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A little more than a week ago we lost the beauty and brilliance that was Kim Porter. For many, Kim was a famous girlfriend that had lived with and loved some of our culture’s greats, like Dallas Austin, Al B. Sure! and Sean “Diddy Combs.” B while that is a small portion of her truth, Kim Porter was so much more. Kim was a model and actress that worked hard and advocated for women all over the world, and I am sure those close to her could add far more than I can to her resume. However, for me, Kim was the notorious girlfriend in my head. She was a great mother who was also a great woman who loved and lived life to the fullest. She was beauty on display, both inside and out, which is what I am sure made loving her so easy and mourning her so damn hard.
As tributes celebrating Kim begin pouring in from around the globe, what caught my attention was all of the love and respect being shown by her personal girlfriends. Women like Kimora Lee Simmons, Eboni Elektra, Sincerely Ward, and Monyetta Shaw were very close to Kim and had spent years building a sisterhood with her. Now those same women are looking for a way to live with the void that I know is unfillable.
Twenty-one years ago, I lost a childhood friend, Shonda King, to domestic violence; 12 years ago, I lost my best friend, Shannette Elijah, to Sickle Cell Anemia just one day after giving birth to her daughter; and two years ago, I lost my college ace, Luchiana Stewart, to domestic violence. These losses made the loss of Kim Porter all the more painful and relatable. Like Kim, I am a woman’s woman;. I connect with other women deeply.
I believe that every girl and woman needs a diverse group of good girlfriends. I know that the kids now refer to it as a squad but for the more mature women like myself and many of Kim Porter’s friends, we call it our tribe. Either way you slice it, girlfriends are a necessary part of our journey on earth and they say a lot about the woman you are and the woman you want to be. Your tribe likely consists of women who you are just alike and others from whom you couldn’t be more different, but at the end of the day what you all have in common is that you have each other’s back. You lean on one another in times of frustration and transition and you celebrate one another’s victories. You’re loyal to one another and the love you share isn’t easily replicable or replaceable.
No matter how by the book you follow the stages of grief, the absence of a girlfriend will never get more comfortable — I actually think that it gets harder as time goes on. There are days when life is business as usual and responsibilities fill my every moment and I don’t think about the missing members of my tribe as much. And then there are days when things happen and I only want to call Luchiana to pour some tea and crack jokes. There are others days when I receive beauty products that I want to share with my bestie Shannette because I am living both of our dreams and I know she would have loved this influencer lifestyle. Many of the days that I have wanted to share with my girls, I grabbed my phone only to be broken down by the harsh reality that I won’t have the pleasure of catching up with them until the next lifetime.
The reality of losing a member of your tribe is more than a mental discomfort, it is a physical pain too. My mind, body, and soul literally ache from the loss of the members of my tribe. I believe in God and I know that heaven is much greater than earth but I just can’t seem to process the “right” in it. While I can’t say for certain how Kim’s tribe feels in this moment (because I would never compare my pain to that of anyone else’s), what I do know is that it is vital that you find a way to live your life after the death of one of your girls. These are a few ways that I have found peace while dealing with the loss of my tribe members.
- Cry. There is no shame in the sadness your heart is feeling. While many may encourage you not to cry, I suggest you do (if crying is your thing). For me, crying is a way to release pain. In order to heal, that pain has to be released.
- Pray. The truth is, most times the answers that we want and need can’t be given by our family and friends; we have to be willing to go higher. I know that the rule is to never question God, but it is in asking that you will find the peace that you need to even begin the healing process.
- Remember. I have been able to steal many happy moments simply remembering the joyous times that I shared with the tribe members I have lost.
- Connect. Many times you can connect with others who share the same sorrow for the loss of your tribe member, be it another friend, family member, or even a stranger. You may not be able to completely console one another, but the silent respect of what you are going through can be enough to get you through a moment or two.
- Dedicate. Dedicating a little time and energy to people and things that your tribe member loved is a great way to find peace and honor them as well. All of my sisters had children, parents, and other siblings that they left behind, I find comfort in being able to be there for them as much as I can.
- Assemble. Make sure you continue to gather with your remaining tribe members. It always does my heart good to be with my girls and, most times, we do all of the above together.
