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topics off limits during pillow talk


The other day during my lunch break I found myself earlobes deep on Youtube catching up on Revolt’s State of The Culture, a show featuring a panel of hip-hop artists and enthusiasts including rappers Joe Budden and Remy Ma breaking down the latest news headlines, record releases and rap beefs. One popular topic to come up was the Drake and Pusha T beef that occurred this past summer when Pusha T backed up by the problematic Kanye West released the track “The Story Of Adidon”. The song seemingly pulled the curtain off the confirmation that Drake had indeed fathered a child that he had not yet publicly claimed with a woman he was no longer involved with. Drake later came clean about his new role as a father when he dropped his fifth studio album Scorpion and months later after never properly dropping a diss back recently was a guest on NBA player Lebron James “The Shop”. During the appearance he addressed that he was the one who revealed to Kanye the details of his personal life, but during another interview Pusha himself shared that he actually learned of Drake’s little one and co-parenting woes from a woman that Drake’s best friend and producer Noah “40” Shebib was dating at the time. If what Pusha says is true, it leads to only one question: Is anything off limits when it comes to sharing the personal details of your bestie’s lives during pillow talk?

The thing about pillow talk is that it’s just like jail talk: It especially sounds good because of the situation you’re in. Pillow talk typically refers to the intimate conversations you have in bed usually before or after engaging sexual activity, it’s accompanied by cuddling, caresses, kisses and some ish you wouldn’t say if your frontal lobe was working at full capacity and not overwhelmed by oxytocin. I once had an ex hand me his phone and tell me to quit my job because he was going to buy me a house and pay my bills during “pillow talk”. Little did I know the man had a whole other girlfriend at the time, but you didn’t see me giving my two weeks, because pillow talk is just that: all talk. If there’s truth to Pusha’s claim, old girl could’ve easily gotten an earful about not only on Drake’s child support payments, but his hidden birthmarks and what his mama’s prescriptions are for too.

But are some topics off limits when it comes to pillow talk? State of the Culture host Joe Budden easily understood how 40 could’ve spilled the beans while laid up under the sheets, but Remy Ma wasn’t so quick to sympathize.

“Friends are not supposed to tell the business of their friends to their mates.”

Here’s the thing: Whether my husband and I have just made mad passionate love or are shopping for window treatments, I’m probably gossiping about the trials and tribulations of my best friends, my boss, my colleagues, the security guard in my office building, the Dunkin Donuts’ barista and everyone in between. Unless anyone of them state something is specifically classified information, you can assume my husband knows. We all have that one person we vomit all of our ups and downs of the day on to process our own feelings. Before I got married, I would run down the day to my sister on the phone while riding the train. None of us have to worry about getting exposed on in front of hip hop fans all over the globe, but is blasting your friends’ personal business to your bed mate breaking all kinds of bro and girl code?

Here’s the thing: Good sex will have your frontal lobe shutting all the way down and you shouldn’t be baring your should to everyone you bare your naked body to, particularly when you’re not just divulging your own business, but everyone else’s as well. I know my husband isn’t going to drop an Instagram live session running down his opinion on my bestie’s experience with vaginal steaming. After a 10+ years of being together, I can say with confidence anything I share with him won’t be leaving our home address. However, those same rules may not apply to the guy you just met through your Instagram DM’s or even the UPS guy you’re kind of talking to. You truly have to proceed with caution when it comes to intimate conversation and carefully curate the topics you choose to touch on. Your best friend might not care if you talk about the French bulldog she’s buying herself for her birthday, but the abortion she had in 2012 is probably a highly-sensitive topic and shouldn’t be the center of the debate while you’re in bed with with your bae fresh out of his brown uniform.

There’s a reason we all enjoy a little pillow talk from time to time. Science says the whispers exchanged while half-dressed help to increase a sense of intimacy leading partners to believe they’re a lot closer than they actually are. But a good orgasm shouldn’t be transforming your full-size mattress into a confessional and every partner you bring into it doesn’t deserve the deep, intimate details of your life nor the people in it. Stick to empty promises of buying condos together and never returning to your 9-5’s, and keep your friend’s business out of the bedroom.

Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

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