Hilarious Ways Vanity Dies In Long-Term Relationships
I wouldn’t say that I no longer care if my boyfriend finds me attractive—I would more say that now, I’m so much in his good graces, and he knows and loves my personality so much that, he can find me attractive even when I drop the ball on the aesthetic efforts. Okay who are we kidding? I don’t put that much thought into it. Somehow, over the years, I just stopped taking all the steps I used to take to make sure I looked presentable in front of my boo. I looked in the mirror this week and thought, “The old me would be mortified if she knew that one day, I’d look like this, in front of the man with whom I have sex.” Oh, and it gets worse—I’ve had sex with him looking like that. Yeah, I don’t even really class it up for sexy sexy time anymore, either. There’s just so much else to do! Here are hilarious ways vanity dies in long-term relationships.
Taking things out of the hamper
I have plucked things out of the hamper in front of my boyfriend, given them a sniff, and then put them on my body. I’ve even asked him to give them a sniff so I could have a second opinion.
Letting pit hair go for a while
I’ll let my armpit hair grow until my boyfriend says something about it—that’s the only measuring stick I need for that matter.
Abandoning leg shaving entirely
I kind of just don’t shave my legs anymore. Boyfriends do not run their hands up and down their legs the way they do in commercials for razors. In sex, they go straight for the private parts and skip everything else.
Living in a robe
I just live in a robe at home. I have so many robes—so many. I have a pink long fluffy one, a pink short fluffy one, a plaid one, a polka dot one… I’ve really moved onto curating my robe collection instead of my clothing one.
Wearing bad underwear for sex
I don’t put on cute underwear for sex because A) I don’t have cute underwear and B) Even if I did, I’m about to let this man have sex with me so, he doesn’t need a song and dance, too. This is just one way sex changes in a long-term relationship.
Leaving the bathroom door open
Why would we close the door when we go to the bathroom? How are we supposed to continue to bicker and make our hilarious comments through a closed door?
Makeup is for other people
I wear makeup if we’re going out with other people. I don’t wear makeup to sit at home with my boyfriend. And I don’t wear makeup to go out to dinner, just with him, to some casual spot where we won’t run into anyone.
Done hair is for other people
Oh and doing even one thing to my hair is basically reserved for weddings and other special occasions. Otherwise, it’s all messy top buns as far as the eye can see.
Eating ‘til you explode
I used to try to be a delicate eater in front of my boyfriend. Now I’ll put on my stretchy pants when our food arrives because I know I’m going to eat until I feel like I might explode, and then I’ll lie on the couch and groan for a few hours.
Wearing that retainer
The retainer, the weird eye mask, and whatever other strange accessories you need to sleep—you know you bust those out when you’ve been together for a long time.
Having him dye your hair
I didn’t even want my boyfriend to know I dyed my hair back in the day. I wouldn’t let him come over when I was dying it, and I didn’t tell him I dyed it. Now, I ask him to help me dye it.
Bras are for other people
I wear bras for formal occasions and exercise. The moment I get home, I take my bra off, under my shirt, and fling it somewhere.
Asking him to examine you
I once pretended to be flawless; now I ask my boyfriend to examine warts and abnormalities on my body as if he’s my doctor.
Being SO cheap
“Money was no object” when we started dating. Now, in front of my boyfriend, I’ll make the whole line at the store wait while I collect my coupons and ask for “The cheapest wine you have.”
Pretending to be sweet
I am sweet but I’m not that sweet. I would have never teased my boyfriend’s appearance back in the day—I was all patience and grace. Now we’re both pretty quick to tell the other that their outfit is ridiculous.