“We currently have a belief that the cornerstone of a relationship is sex, so if you’re not having lots of exciting, novel sex, your relationship is in crisis,” Dr. Petra Boynton said.
Is Your Sex Drive Higher Than Your Man’s?
Men often get pegged as the hornier gender, but many modern women may catch themselves initiating sex more often then their partner initiates sex.
According to Telegraph, these bedroom dynamics may be more common than you think.
“Part of the belief in the ‘men are always up for it’ myth actually comes from statistics that indicate that men are more sexual beings,” says Dr Gary Wood, social psychologist and author of The Psychology of Gender.
“They say that men have more partners and men masturbate more, because, put simply, women underreport on these things for fear of the double-standard that exalts men as ‘studs’ but women as ‘slags’.”
So perhaps the public perception pointing to men as more sexual than their female counterparts is simply a result of an information dearth. Women traditionally being shamed for their sexual fantasies and desires definitely puts the pressure on men to take the lead and always be “on”, even if they’re not.
“You literally get men who think they’ve got a problem because don’t want sex all the time,” Dr. Petra Boynton told Telegraph, “they’re worried that because they only want it occasionally, something must be wrong with them.”
Or in the inverse, women can feel their partner isn’t attracted to them if their man isn’t as sexually hungry for them. I personally have been in relationships with partners whose cravings couldn’t seem to keep up with mine, and it’s isolating af.
Asking your partner for more sex is a really vulnerable position to be put in. I think because sex is thought of as a raw, primal urge, not something you need to coax out of someone that genuinely desires you. But according to the experts, it’s normal for those urges to peak and wane.
“Whereas, actually, there may be many things you enjoy together, and sex might just be part of it. The only thing that really makes it a problem is when the person who doesn’t want sex won’t talk about it, because it’s often not a mismatch in desire that’s at work, but a mismatch in communication.”
Communication seems to be the bridge between feeling undesired and just understanding your partners drive. There are ways to spend time and convey attraction without always “getting it on.” So for both men and women, don’t let a lack of sex immediately spell out relationship trouble, it could be just information you need to learn to connect in other ways.