What Foreplay Looks Like In A New Vs Long-Term Relationship
Here’s a scene that won’t end the way you’d expect: a woman wearing big, ugly underwear is hand washing a skirt while a man stands behind her in an NFL logo-covered robe, asking her for notes on his resume. Thirty seconds later, they’re having sex. That first part wasn’t exactly the stuff adult movie scripts are made of, am I right? But it is what long-term couple sex is made of. When you’ve been together for a long time, as my boyfriend and I have, and you live together, the moments leading up to sex are just different than what they were in the beginning of the relationship. When you first started dating, you pretty much met up for the sole purpose of having sex. When you live with your boyfriend of over five years, you’re together all of the time. You live your lives together—you don’t just meet up to have fun and have sex. Here is what the pre-sex moments look like in long-term versus new relationships.
New: You talk about dumb stuff
You riff about…whatever. Some inside joke you created. Some funny line from the movie you watched that night. Some silly interaction you had with a cashier at the restaurant. It’s meaningless chit chat.
Long-term: You talk chores and logistics
“Did you refresh the dog’s water?” “Did you tell the landlord about that weird noise the shower is making?” “We only have ten minutes until the pizza in the oven is ready so let’s get on with it.”
New: It’s spontaneous
I mean, you both knew that sex was coming at one point but, you don’t talk about it. You just have fun, and eventually make your way to bed. Then you start making out and one thing leads to another.
Long-term: It’s scheduled
You look at your calendars on Monday and determine that on Thursday, you will both be home from eight to nine pm—you’ll be back from work, and he’ll be home before his friend’s birthday thing—and that’s when you’ll have sex. And you text each other on Thursday morning to confirm that sex is still on for that night.
New: Little talking
In a new relationship, you’re just very in the moment. Maybe there’s a bit of fumbling around while you get to know each other’s bodies but, it’s spontaneous and very physical.
When you’ve been together for a long time, you just talk your way through parts of it to get things going. “Where’s the lube I like?” “In the cabinet next to the Advil” “Okay great. Is your bra off? That’s the complicated one I can’t get off.”
New: You have a drink and chill
In a new relationship you take time to create an atmosphere. You open a bottle of wine and snuggle up on the couch. You tell each other funny things that happened to you that day. You really unwind.
Long-term: Business as usual
In a long-term relationship, you do whatever other chores and tasks you have to do up until the moment it’s time to have sex a-la hand washing skirt/looking over resume moment I mentioned before.
New: Undress each other
You really get into the art of undressing each other in a new relationship. You take each other’s shirts off while making out. You remove each other’s underwear with your teeth. You know—the whole thing.
Long-term: You strip down fast
My boyfriend and I pretty much just meet in the bedroom, at the prescheduled, designated sex time, already completely naked.
New: Accessories and items are fine
In a new relationship, you may each just bring the things you like or want to try to the bedroom from condoms and lubes that produce different sensations to various vibrators. And you both enthusiastically embrace what the other one wants to use.
Long-term: You have input
When you’ve been together for a while, you start being a little more honest about how you feel about the other one’s preferred accessories and so on. For example, my boyfriend had to tell me that the icy hot condoms I like make him feel like he’s developing an STD in real time.
New: You both know you want sex
There’s no question as to whether or not you both want to have sex in a new relationship. You’re in that honeymoon phase—you both want to have sex all of the time.
Long-term: Everyone is half on-board
Before my boyfriend and I have sex now, we both investigate whether or not the other one is even in the mood. There are a lot of accusatory statements like, “Well it doesn’t seem like you’re in the mood because I had to ask you to shut your laptop” and “We don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to.”
Each has its pros and cons
Honestly, I love my relationship and I just laugh at the way our sex life has changed. Sure, maybe it’s not that animalistic, spontaneous thing it used to be. But that’s because we’re comfortable with each other. We have a whole life we’ve built together. It’s different than it was before, but that’s not to say I don’t love it.