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My boyfriend and I have only a handful of couple friends that, when we hang out with them, we feel like everyone is winning. We can just feel that all four people are equally happy to be there, and very happy to be there at that. When someone starts an email thread about planning a dinner or trip, everyone responds right away, and works very hard to make it work. But acquiring those couple friends took years, and don’t think that we didn’t lose a few couple friends along the way. Let’s not even talk about the fact that some of my girlfriends ask me constantly why we never take couple’s vacations, and I don’t know how to possibly explain to them that the foursome chemistry just isn’t there. I love those women, and our dudes just…like each other. But not love. See, the couples friendship dynamic is a tough one. Here are the challenges you’ll face trying to make couples friends.

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First, it’s hard enough to make individual friends

First off, it’s hard enough to make individual friends after college. You don’t have a setting (like the dorm building or high school) where you’re thrown into the same space with people who have lots of time and few responsibilities. Sure—you’re in the same space with your coworkers as an adult, but they have families, second jobs, and preexisting friends. It’s just hard to really form a bond with one person as an adult. Try to find a person who is with another person who your partner also likes, and you’ve just quadrupled the challenge.

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