How I Realized I Needed To Take Responsibility For My Problematic Love Life

April 24, 2018  |  


The search for a loving partner has been one of the biggest, and often most daunting quests of my adult life. After a short and mediocre, albeit pleasant relationship with a German guy in college, I’ve largely been single for about six years. There have been flings and close calls, but nothing that came close to my desire to have a loving and mutually respectful partnership. Despite my want for companionship, I found myself largely striking out in the dating arena, constantly making classic mistakes that kept me in a dating purgatory of sorts.

Though I said I wanted a healthy relationship, my actions didn’t always align with my words. For a while, I found myself in situationship after situationship, with people who were emotionally unavailable in some way or another. Instead of living in reality, I tried to fit square pegs into round holes, believing that I could will the relationship to be what I wanted it to be, instead of dealing with what was in front of me.

My desperation knew no limits, as I tried to make something work with men who lied to me about their immigration status in China, women who had on-again, off-again boyfriends, and even individuals who insulted me, like the guy who told me I wasn’t stylish enough to be seen with him. My heart grew a little bit colder with each failure. I began to think there was something wrong with me and I wasn’t capable or maybe not even worthy of having a decent dating life.

Recognizing some of the errors of my ways, late last year I decided to overhaul my dating life in an attempt to cultivate something more pleasurable and fun. I knew if I wanted to actually have the things I said I desired, I’d have to make some major changes and take more responsibility for the people I allowed into my life romantically. When it came to dating, I would mostly just sit on the sidelines, waiting to be approached. Deathly afraid of rejection, I thought this would keep me from having to face my fears, but in reality, it did more harm than good. I allowed all type of vultures and emotional vampires to enter my life, like the woman I met on OkCupid who moved in with me and quickly began berating me for being fat and not her “usual” type.

I started shooting my shot more, asking more women out that I found attractive, and even going on more dates with people just for the fun of it. I kept my fear of rejection at bay by reminding myself that the worst that could happen is they could say no. And while there were some “nays,” there were also some “yeas” thrown in the mix as well. When I stopped operating from a place of feeling like things were scarce, I realized I had more options than I originally thought.

Besides going out more, I began investing in myself more, too. I did more self-care, including meditations on self-love and abundance, EFT tapping (a form of acupressure combined with affirmations), along with a healthy dose of therapy during which time I worked through various issues related to my self-worth. My newfound sense of self-love gave me the confidence to kick people out of my life, both ill-fitted suitors and psuedo-friends, who were holding me back and brought nothing of value.

At the tail end of last year, I started dating someone I’d had a major crush on for close to a year. It was great to finally have a true connection with someone and was the perfect end to my streak of romantic failures. While the relationship hasn’t panned out exactly how I would have planned, there has been an immense amount of happiness, and it’s been quite nice having something that is largely void of drama, and instead filled with so much pleasure. It’s good to know that after doing the work on myself and my spirit, I’m emanating a positive energy that is finally bringing the right kind of people, and healthy relationships, into my life.

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