Can You Have A Crush When You’re In A Relationship?

March 27, 2018  |  
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Just because your partner is your soul mate, your one and only, the ying to your yang, your other half, and your missing puzzle piece, doesn’t mean that you are just blind to members of the opposite sex. You’re constantly analyzing personality types in your life, deciding who would make a good friend, who would make a good baby sitter for your child, who would make a trustworthy co-worker—you’re bound to notice when somebody would make a good romantic partner even if you aren’t looking. What I’m saying is that crushes happen, even when you are totally smitten with and committed to your partner. There is no need to demonize yourself for developing a little crush. You can’t help what you feel, but you can help what you say and do. So, can you have a crush while you’re in a relationship? Honestly, it just depends on how you handle it…

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He shouldn’t be your confidante

It’s okay to have a crush, but your crush shouldn’t become your new confidante. Your partner, who you love and have a history and bond with, should still be your confidante. If you start confiding in your crush more than your partner, something’s gone awry—you’ve let things get out of hand.

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And he shouldn’t be your new BFF

You probably shouldn’t try to make your crush your new BFF, going to movies and lunch together every week. Spending that much one-on-one time with someone you have an innocent crush on can lead to something that isn’t innocent, very quickly. Keep interactions with your crush to group settings.

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Don’t flirt

Do not flirt. Make sure you put up clear boundaries. Interact with your crush in a way that doesn’t let him know at all that you have a crush on him. Once your crush knows you have a crush, you’ve crossed a line and are doing some emotional cheating on your partner. It’s okay to crush…from a respectful distance.

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Who do you look pretty for?

Your partner should be the first person you get dressed for in the morning (well, after yourself, of course). If you find yourself putting in zero effort on the hair and makeup front for your boo, and suddenly stepping up your game when you know you’ll see your crush, you’ve let the scales tip too far in the wrong direction.

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Let your crush date

You have a partner whom you love. So let your crush go find one. Don’t criticize the women he dates or in any way make him second-guess his choice in dates. You don’t get to have your cake (your crush) and eat it too (your relationship). Your crush is free to do what he wants.

A troubled wife turns to Reddit for advice after struggling to forge a relationship with her new husband's ex.

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Be nice to his girlfriends

And when your crush dates women, you have to be nice to them. If you are really, truly happy in your relationship, there’s no need to scare off the girlfriends of your innocent, meaningless crush. He isn’t your property.

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Realize you don’t really know him

When your imagination runs a little too wild, remember that you don’t actually know your crush very well. Your interactions are limited, they are always in fun environments, and they don’t come with any real sort of pressure. So, of course, they’re always pleasant. But you have a partner who you love and have a quality relationship with. And you know that through experience. You know nothing about the type of partner your crush would be.

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Crushes don’t have to mean anything

Don’t put too much stock in a little crush. If you know the person you’re with is the person you want to marry and be with forever, don’t second-guess yourself because you find someone else attractive and fun to talk to. If you do that, you’ll second-guess all of your relationships a lot. Even if you dated the current crush, you’d develop another crush, and so on and so on. Choose your love and love (commit to) your choice.

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Your partner probably has crushes too

Just so you know, your partner probably has crushes, too. You just don’t know it because he’s been decent enough not to show it, not to be inappropriate with those crushes, and not to diminish his affection towards you at all. If he’s done that for you, you should do that for him.

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Don’t give him special attention

If you’re at a party and the crush is there, make sure to talk to everyone in the room—not just the crush. It’s easy to get sucked into chatting with him all night, but that’s just disrespectful to your partner.

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Cherish and appreciate your partner

It’s alright to acknowledge that someone else has qualities you find attractive so long as you actively acknowledge, every day, what a wonderful partner your partner is. Tell him. Show him. Make him feel incredibly loved. You can think your crush is great, but you should show that your partner is wonderful.

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Your crush is a reflection of your partner

At the end of the day, your crush is probably just a reflection of your partner. Break it down and you’ll realize he shares many qualities with your partner. You just have a crush there because that relationship doesn’t come with the pressures and responsibilities of a real relationship. But ultimately, you like your crush because he reminds you of the partner you love.

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Recognize that a good relationship is hard to find

Just remember how much you went through to find this wonderful relationship you’re in. Anytime you wonder, “What could be…” with the crush, remember that, right now, in your lap, you have a thing that is—and it’s great.

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Don’t torture your crush

Don’t lead your poor crush on. It’s really important he doesn’t have any idea that you have a little crush on him. At the end of the day, if you want to stay with your partner, then letting your crush know you crush on him is just cruel.

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Don’t tell your partner

Unless you’re one of those super comfortable couples who have been together for decades, you should not mention to your partner that you have a harmless crush on someone. There is nothing harmless about it to him. If the tables were turned, you’d be devastated.

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