Things You Stop Caring About When You Become A Mom

March 19, 2018  |  
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Gettyimages.com/Black mother and daughter posing for cell phone selfie

I’ve been told by my mom friends that, once you’re fully responsible, 24 hours a day, for a living, breathing human who cannot take care of himself at all, you realize just how much spare time you used to have on your hands. You thought you were busy then, but mom you laughs at you back then. HA! That was busy? Oooh. Poor little you. Had to hit the gym before work and grab drinks with friends after work. Maybe do a little house cleaning after dinner. When you become a parent, you’d be grateful for a day like that—sounds like a vacation. You also realize how much space you used to have in your brain. You realize it because now, there are just so many things you used to fixate on and obsess over that you’ve entirely forgotten existed. You can’t even mourn them. You can’t even care. You don’t even have the mental capacity to mourn your life, pre-baby. Here are things you stop caring about when you become a mom.

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Cleaning the place before hosting

You are not going to make any attempt to make the place look nice before guests come over. You’re honestly a hero for having guests over at all. But making the place look spick and span? Not happening. You may just shove all the dirty laundry and toys into a couple rooms and tell people not to go in there. That will be the extent of your cleanup.

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Waiting in line for anything trendy

You don’t care how good the new taco place is—no place is good enough to stand in line for. You’ll always choose the closest place with no line, any day of the week. You’re on your feet enough and refuse to stay on them for some fried tortillas and shredded chicken.

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Wearing makeup for guests

You definitely aren’t going to put on tons of makeup for guests. Perhaps you’ll change out of the top that has vomit on it to one that doesn’t, and slap on some lip gloss, but gone are the days of actually dedicating real time to your appearance for guests. They can either have food and drinks ready or your face ready, but they don’t get both.

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Having an activity with friends

You feel no need to come up with some grand scheme when you see friends. You don’t need to try this bar or go on this hike or check out this boutique. Can’t you all just sit on a couch, drink wine, and talk?

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Eating like an adult

You don’t care about eating like an adult in any shape or form. You don’t mind eating out of ziplock bags. You’ll eat your baby’s puff snacks. You’ll eat grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken nuggets (with a side of sautéed spinach, sure). But you do not care if your meal would pass muster on a cooking show.

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Celebrity gossip

You barely have the mental capacity to keep up with the minute changes in the dating lives of your friends who you love. So no, you don’t have a smidgen of room in your brain for whom Jennifer Lawrence is vacationing with.

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Designer…anything

Is it a t-shirt? Just a t-shirt, right? It doesn’t turn into a magic carpet at night or, miraculously clean your bathtub for you? It doesn’t make all your dreams come true, correct? Then you don’t care whose name is on the label, you are not spending $40 on it.

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Overly-sensitive people

You just…can’t. You can’t handle people who don’t say what they mean, or who get upset if you don’t couch what you’re trying to say in a dozen fluffy couches. Your brain has just enough energy to say what you need to say, but not enough to sugar coat it.

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Seduction

Who has time for that? You and your partner just have to get it in when you can. If you find a spare 15 minutes when the sitter or your parents took your kids out and you miraculously have energy, you aren’t wasting eight minutes of it on any seductive song and dance.

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Having abs

You’ll just be grateful if you have a stomach that passes as flat again, and doesn’t jiggle so much. But abs? Those are for superheroes.

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Re-wearing clothes

You laugh at the way you used to clean every item of clothing after wearing it once. What a luxury. Now, you just sniff your jeans, and if you can stand the smell, you put them back on.

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Being polite in parking lots

Yeah…you have a crying baby in the car and exactly 12 minutes to accomplish this errand—you’re taking that spot. You’re not letting some single dude, with no baby in his nice car that he clearly has time to wash have it. He doesn’t need it.

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Knowing about nutrition trends

Oh, you’re not supposed to eat that veggie anymore because apparently it slows your metabolism and this grain isn’t great for your hair? WHO CARES! You don’t have time for this. You’re ordering what you want. It’s a luxury to even be at a restaurant—you don’t need anyone’s judgment on your order.

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Changing out of workout clothes

You have exactly two modes: workout clothes, or ball gown. You pretty much never have an occasion for the latter but something would have to have a red carpet in order for you to change out of your workout clothes.

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Spoiler alerts

It’s fine if people spoil hot movies and shows for you. By the time you get around to watching them, you will not remember the spoilers. Really—it may take you five years to watch the movie everyone is talking about right now.

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