All Articles Tagged "women"

How To Have A Normal Sexual Life With A Cloacal Malformation

May 22nd, 2015 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Over the past few days, websites have been buzzing with a story about a pregnant woman who reportedly got pregnant by having anal sex. Before we go any further, let’s be clear in most cases a woman cannot get pregnant through anal sex; however this particular woman has an extraordinarily rare situation. Her pregnancy was the result of a condition known as cloacal malformation.

So what exactly is cloacal malformation?

Cloacal malformations encompass a wide array of complicated defects that occur during development of the female fetus during pregnancy. Cloacal malformations occur when failure of the urogenital septum to separate the cloacal membrane results in the urethra, vagina, rectum and anus opening into a single common channel instead of three separate openings: urethra, vagina, and anus.  Additionally, the clitoris looks like a penis, causing gender confusion. Cloacal-related malformations and/or abnormalities can also result in multiple vaginas, a malformed anus, and other defects of the ureters and kidneys. The literature reports that the incidence rate of cloacal malformations is approximately 1 per 20,000-25,000 live births

Cloacal malformations are discovered typically at the time of birth. Upon physical examination of the newborn, the physician discovers a single opening in the perineal area. The newborn may also have abdominal swelling. After the physician has made the physical diagnosis of cloaca, the full extent of the malformation is typically determined with a complete medical examination and advanced imaging. Patients may undergo many radiologic examinations such as X-rays, ultrasounds and MRI. Failure to identify a cloaca as being present in a newborn and repair immediately may result in serve complications.

Treatment of a cloacal malformation

Cloacal malformations require surgical repair, but the procedure depends on the type and extent of the abnormality. The goal for treatment of a female born with cloaca is to achieve bowel control, urinary control, and sexual function, which includes menstruation, intercourse, and possibly pregnancy. Repairing a cloacal malformation requires a collaborative effort by an experienced multidisciplinary team of surgeons. Special focus is given to separating the rectum, vagina and urethra while still maintaining urinary control, bowel functioning, and preserving sexual and reproductive capacity. While the initial goal is to stabilize the child and relieve blockages in the urinary and intestinal tract, the long range goals are directed at restoring anatomy and function. Great variation exists in anatomy and corrective efforts must be individualized.

Although a cloacal malformation may repair at birth, it is essential that adolescents with a cloacal malformation transition to specialist teams with appropriate expertise as they become adults to monitor any issues.

Sexual functioning in adult females with a cloacal malformation

Gynecological outcomes include menstruation, sexual function and fertility. The aim of reconstructive surgery should be to achieve sexual function, which includes those things. Although reconstructive surgery is used to correct the cloacal malformation, and for the most part the genitalia looks relatively natural, sexual challenges still may present. Sexual functioning can be affected by both physical and psychological factors including:

  • vaginal stenosis
  • scar tissue after the vaginal repair
  • other co-existing medical conditions like renal failure
  • bowel management
  • incontinence
  • fertility challenges
  • premature birth
  • vaginismus
  • dyspareunia
  • reduced sexual sensitivity and sexual satisfaction
  • body image issues
  • lack of self-esteem
  • lack of relationship satisfaction
  • depression
  • other mental health conditions

Once the cloacal malformation is surgically corrected and the patient is working collaboratively with a team of expert clinicians, an enjoyable sex life is possible. If vaginal and/or anal intercourse is unbearable as a result of the condition, working with a sexologist or sex therapist can help women explore alternative techniques and tools to enhance sexual pleasure. Additionally, it is extremely important that a female with a cloacal malformation establishes open, honest and consistent communication with sexual partner(s) regarding her condition. This open line of communication can help minimize anxiety and discomfort as well as increase support, intimacy and sexual pleasure.

Unfortunately, the cause of this condition is unknown and the lack of available long-term follow-up data for women with a cloacal malformation presents challenges within the medical community. Nevertheless, in order to optimize health outcomes, it is essential that adult women remain under the care of specialized multidisciplinary teams, including a gynecologist, urologist, internal medicine physician, sexologist or sex therapist that are familiar with the management of cloacal-related malformations and/or abnormalities.



11162189_10152909148383315_4765678910343590883_nDr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a certified clinical sexologist, sex therapist, best selling author and powerful motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara- Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE. Dr. TaMara is also the Editor-in-Chief of Our Sexuality! Magazine. Our Sexuality! is the premiere magazine for women’s sexuality and sexual health. Dr. TaMara is a “Thought Leader” for the Association of Black Sexologist and Clinicians. She is also a member of the American College of Sexologists International. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook at LIFE by Dr. TaMara or Instagram, or her Live Inspired Feel Empowered (L.I.F.E.) blog Join Dr. TaMara movement of Healthy Sexuality #HowDareINot #ISaveLives

Why Am I Crying?! 15 Feelings Only Women Understand

April 30th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Men and women may get along, but sometimes it really does feel like we’re from different planets. When it comes to these joys and struggles, they come with feelings only women seem to understand.

Do You Owe Your Man’s Ex A Thank You Card?

April 7th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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Do You Owe Your Man's Ex A Thank You Card?


Last month, my sister’s ex boyfriend of four or five years got engaged. I saw the Facebook announcement before she did. My initial reaction was numbness, then a little resentment and finally resolve. Good for him. But in the midst of all those rapid fire emotions, I was asking myself, Does my sister know? How will she feel? Should I tell her or wait for her to find out on her own? 

I called my parents to see what they would suggest.

They were much calmer about it than I was.

My dad: Tell her!

My mom: I bet you she won’t care.

Yeah, right.

I walked into my sister’s room and lead with a bit of small talk before I finally asked her, “Have you seen _________’s Facebook page?”

“No, why? What’s up?”

I softened my voice, bracing for impact.

“He got engaged.”

My sister, without missing a single beat, “Good for him.”

In my mind, a lot of things could have happened. She could have gotten angry, cried, screamed, shrugged her shoulders in mock nonchalance; but this contentment, this calm I hadn’t anticipated.

“Oh, you’re really good, huh?”

“Yeah gurl, I told you I’ve released him.”


I love and am proud of my sister everyday, but particularly in that moment. Hell, she was taking this better than I had and I didn’t even date the dude. Seeing that my sister was cool with it, I realized that I should naturally adopt her attitude of contented acceptance. Not only because if she could do it, I could do it. But also because it was just the right attitude to have.

No doubt ______ put my sister, my love, through some thangs. And on the surface level, it would seem that this new girl…excuse me… his fiancée, is benefitting from the fruits of my sister’s labor. Honestly, when my sister and ______ started dating, he lacked direction, spiritually, professionally etc. But now, his businesses are flourishing, he was recently baptized and, from the looks of things and the step he’s about to take, he seems like he’s grown into a better man, and consequently a better partner for his fiancée.

Real talk, and not to sound cocky or arrogant, ______’s fiancée owes my sister a debt of gratitude. What we didn’t know at the time was that the work my sister and really my entire family put into knowing and loving ______ were going to be passed on for another woman to enjoy. In the beginning of that realization, it was hard to accept and even understand such a concept. But once my sister and eventually my family got to the place of contented acceptance, it was actually quite nice to see that no, the time devoted to the relationship wasn’t wasted. She, we and most importantly God helped someone grow and develop as a man. And even though my sister wasn’t meant to be with the version of the man she helped mold, helping someone is never a waste of time.

Watching my sister go through this ordeal with her ex and his future wife reaffirmed for me that notion that as women, even when we don’t know each other, we are all each other’s sisters. We have to think more seriously about the ways in which we regard and treat other women, either directly or indirectly.

In this misogynistic, self driven society, it’s easy to slip into dangerous behaviors like talking to, texting or sexing someone else’s man. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that foul. Knowing only one side of the story, we regard our partners’ exes as “bitches,” just because. But we owe each other more than that. Not to be all kum ba yah, but we are all closely connected. Far too often our behavior affects the lives of other women, whether it’s woman-to-woman or woman-to man-to new woman. We’ve all dated the dude who’s just been dogged by a woman and believes that all women are the devil. That first woman, his ex, in the mistreatment of the man, is making this new woman’s life hell. And we’ve all seen women who are suspicious of every person with a vagina, who breathes the same air as her man. Somewhere along the line, a woman– but perhaps maybe just a low down man,– made it impossible for her to trust other women. Our actions in this world rarely affect just one or two people. They ripple out; and because karma is real, they ripple back too. For that reason alone, we should never seek to betray or berate another woman. Because you never know who you might owe a thank you card.

The Struggle To Find Your Identity As A Carefree Black Girl

April 2nd, 2015 - By Deja Jones
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Through an examination of our history’s finest women, you can see that the carefree black girl has always existed. Women like Josephine Baker, Eartha Kitt, Diahann Carroll, Maya Angelou, Solange Knowles, Corinne Bailey Rae and Janelle Monaé have constantly created new and positive images as black women from the past and present in the public sphere. But in 2013, creating new and positive images as a black woman for one’s own self became an official movement: The Carefree Black Girl Movement.

It sought to celebrate all things joyous and unique about black women all over the globe. The hashtag, #carefreeblackgirl, has flooded several social media channels, including Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. The hashtag has highlighted images, ideologies and theories of women who dance to the beat of their own drum. It has helped many celebrate black womanhood in all its glory.

Carefree Black Girls are eccentric women brave enough to mix and match patterns, sport big and brightly colored hair, wear bold lipsticks and stand up for social justice issues. These are women who do not live by the rules that society creates–they create their own platforms and live according to whatever is pleasing to them. While they may be aware of the many issues that plague black women, they have decided to be the breath of fresh air many of us need; a reprieve from the exhaustion of tackling race and gender hardships, and stereotypes that we deal with every day.

While speaking about the Carefree Black Girl Movement, writer Jamala Johns said, “As I continued to encounter more sites dedicated to an endless array of hair textures, personal styles, and creative endeavors, I realized that I wasn’t alone in trying to capture a certain quality that eludes black women in traditional media.”

There’s a story behind the woman with the giant afro and floral crown sitting perfectly in a lush green field. There’s something so captivating about the group of women in colorful patterns with bold lips curled into big smiles showing their pearly whites. And while we celebrate their beauty and diversity, there’s a story that often goes untold. A story of misunderstanding and loneliness that a carefree black girl too often deals with.

Johns credits the Carefree Black Girl Movement with being a form of escapism from the “archetypes of black women (jezebel, strong black woman, mammy, welfare queen, and video vixen).” She points out that it is important to note that carefree and careless are not synonymous and that we should not think of a carefree black girl as a careless one. However, these labels are often bunched together, and for a movement that’s supposed to uplift and celebrate black women, many find themselves still searching for something well-defined. They’re often misunderstood.

The carefree black girl who chooses to artistically promote body positivity through self-portrait photography and nudity often finds herself at a crossroads: she has to offer an explanation as to how her movement is different from what we might label as that of a hypersexual vixen or pornography. One of the stereotypes that black women often face is the criticism of our sexuality. The way black women are portrayed today in popular media makes it hard for a carefree black woman to openly express herself sexually while trying to avoid such labels. Just ask the carefree black girl who chooses to embrace love as the movement. She is often forced to find a way to differentiate herself from the jezebel, which depicts black women as sexually promiscuous and driven.

Yes, it’s a struggle to be a carefree black girl who chooses to take life by the horns and make her own rules. In a patriarchal society, she is labeled as a strong black woman too independent for a man. She even receives backlash from her own men, who have redefined the word “independent” and given it a negative connotation. It can be tough. It’s not all floral crowns, peace signs and polka dots all the time.

In her piece on the movement, Johns concludes that the idea of the carefree black girl is one who “embodies not letting outside gaze rule the way you express yourself.” While that may be the intention, we as black women still find ourselves fighting against what’s been perpetuated through mainstream media. We work to redefine ourselves and make our presence known, but there isn’t enough ammunition to combat the reality TV plague that takes over our channels on a regular basis. And even when we try to be carefree, we still have criticism and questions swatted at us.

Even though we have a ways to go in shifting the way black women are viewed as a collective, I will say that the Carefree Black Girl Movement has been a step in the right direction, even if this black girl is fighting to create her own identity within her race.

Is Dyspareunia Making Sex Painful For You?

March 27th, 2015 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Dyspareunia is recurrent or persistent genital pain before, during, or after sex. It can be acquired or congenital, generalized or situational. Dyspareunia is not a disease, but rather a symptom of an underlying issue such as a physical, biological, psychological, social and/or relationship concern.

A woman with dyspareunia will usually report experiencing pain. Some women describe feeling pain at the opening of the vagina or on the surface of the vulva when penetration is initiated. Other women may feel pain within the pelvis upon deeper penetration. Some women feel pain in more than one of these places. Determining whether the pain is more superficial or deep is important in understanding what may be causing it and provide options for more effective treatment.

When the pain occurs, a woman with dyspareunia may be distracted from feeling pleasure and excitement during sex. Due to the persistent experience of pain during sex, a woman may still experience pain during sex even long after the original source of pain has disappeared, simply because in her mind she expects to.

Dyspareunia is a condition that has many causes and is not a diagnosis of itself.  Some of the causes for dyspareunia may include: vaginismus, which is a condition that affects a woman’s ability to tolerate vaginal penetration, insufficient vaginal lubrication, vaginal thinning and dryness of the vaginal wall. Medical conditions such as endometriosis, cancer, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors, sexually transmitted infections, pain from bladder irritation, etc., an injury to the genital area or past surgeries that have left scar tissue can also result in vaginal pain. Inadequate foreplay and certain sexual positions can also be the cause of dyspareunia.

Some symptoms of dyspareunia may include a burning, ripping, tearing, or aching feeling associated with vaginal penetration. The pain may also be felt throughout the entire pelvic area and the sexual organs, especially during deep thrusting or with certain sexual positions.

Treatment for dyspareunia is aimed at identifying the underlying source of pain. Depending on the root cause, treatment options include: estrogen therapy, sex therapy, and medication. Unfortunately, there is no definite way to prevent dyspareunia, but here are some options that may help you reduce your risk for dyspareunia and/or manage the pain:

  • being intimately acquainted with your body
  • communicating with your partner
  • communicating with your physician regarding any changes in your body
  • engaging in more foreplay
  • using more lubricant
  • changing how you feel about sex by making it fun
  • using proper hygiene habits and staying away from using perfumed products in the genital area

Because symptoms of dyspareunia may mimic symptoms of other reproductive health conditions, including sexually transmitted infections, it is extremely important that you speak with your physician and/or sex therapist about your concerns. DO NOT try to diagnose yourself! Your true condition may not be what you think and you can potentially end up doing more harm to yourself and your body.

Many women  will experience relief when physical causes of dyspareunia are identified and treated. However, it is extremely important to also identify and address psychological, social, spiritual, or relationship factors that may be contributing to the pain as well. 

Living with dyspareunia is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about! The condition can be manageable if you are proactive and stay on top of your health. Learn all you can about dyspareunia, work with you physician and/or sex therapist to get treatment and communicate your needs to partner. You can still maintain a quality sex life, as long as you are willing to go the extra mile to reduce the pain.


Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE. Dr. TaMara is also the Editor-in-Chief of Our Sexuality! Magazine. Our Sexuality! is the premiere magazine for women’s sexuality and sexual health. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram,

It’s A Man’s World–Really! There Are Now More Men In World Than Women

February 3rd, 2015 - By Ann Brown
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Men outnumber women in the world by a whopping 60 million, the highest ever recorded, reports Quartz.  Driving this phenomenon is the preference for sons in such countries as India and China, among other things.

According to the Quartz study, which used The United Nations Population Division’s World Population Prospects, via World Bank (2014), in 2013, 49.59 percent of the global population were women. Eighty-one countries had a majority of women, only 37 countries had a majority of men, and 75 were within 0.5 percent of gender parity. Even though more countries have a majority of women, the most populous countries in the world have many, many more men. And in general, more boys are being born than girls.

“In 1961, the earliest year the World Bank provides data for, the world was within 0.09 percentage points of a perfectly equal distribution. Ever since, the gap has widened; now men outnumber women on the planet by almost 60 million,” reports Quartz.

When looking at the BRICS (Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa) states, they can be grouped into three groups. “China and India are strongly imbalanced toward men, Russia even more strongly imbalanced toward women, with Brazil and South Africa firmly somewhere in between,” reports Quartz.

In Rwanda the genocide in 1994 left the country with a significantly more female population than before. Meanwhile. the rest of Africa is pretty balanced.

Actually, most of the countries in Africa have both genders within 49.5 percent and 50.5 percent of the total population. However, with male expectancy rate lower, experts expected that over time, there will be more women than men. Because women, on average, outlive men by fewer years than elsewhere, this has not happened overall in Africa. For example, in Sub-Saharan Africa, the difference in life expectancy at birth is 2.4 years, as compared to 6.8 years in “more developed regions.”
Other places in Africa have seen a major shift. In Libya the female population increased from less than 47 percent in 1985—one of the world’s lowest—to 50 percent in 2013.

Turning to the U.S., there has been an increase in women from the 1960s onward, although there has been a slight rebound toward a more balanced population recently. The life expectancy between men and women widened after 1960 then narrowed starting in the ‘80s and ‘90s.

It will be interesting to see the effects of this shift to a more male society and how it will play into work roles and opportunities for women down the line.

Don’t Let Vaginal Dryness Ruin Your Life

December 26th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Normally, the walls of the vagina stay lubricated with a thin layer of clear fluid, however there are many things that can cause the lining to become dry and irritated. Insufficient lubrication — or vaginal dryness — can cause mild to significant pain (dyspareunia, which is a type of sexual pain disorder) and interfere with sexual pleasure.

Vaginal dryness is nothing to be embarrassed about. It affects many women, especially as they age. If vaginal dryness begins to affect your lifestyle, sex life and/or relationship with your partner; consider making an appointment with your physician. If you’re not sure you need to make an appointment, read on for these signs of vaginal dryness and potential treatments.

What causes dryness?

There are several things that can affect a woman’s ability to lubricate. Reduced estrogen levels are the main cause of vaginal dryness. Estrogen helps keep vaginal tissue healthy by maintaining normal vaginal lubrication, tissue elasticity and acidity. These factors create a natural defense against vaginal infections, but when your estrogen levels decrease, so does this natural defense, leading to a thinner, less elastic and more fragile vaginal lining and an increased risk of infections.

Medical conditions, significant life events, and daily habits such as pregnancy, lactation, menopause, aging, immune disorders, medical conditions, chemotherapy, sexually transmitted infections, smoking cigarettes, and douching will reduce lubrication and may cause the vagina to feel dry and irritated.

Certain medications can also cause dryness, including many common drugs for allergies, cardiovascular, psychiatric, and other medical conditions. Oral contraceptives and irritation from contraceptive creams and foams can also cause dryness, as can fear and anxiety about sexual intimacy. Vaginal dryness may also result from insufficient foreplay and arousal. In many cases, women need lots of sexual stimulation for arousal. The more aroused we are, the more lubrication, which reduces dryness and friction, helping to make sexual intercourse more pleasure.

Vaginal dryness may be accompanied by other signs and symptoms such as:

  • Itching or stinging around the vaginal opening
  • Burning
  • Soreness
  • Pain with intercourse
  • Light bleeding with intercourse
  • Increased urinary frequency or urgency
  • Recurrent urinary tract infections
  • Involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles

What gets me wet?

Vaginal lubricants can support and/or naturally restore your own vaginal moisture. Whether a woman has an issue or not with lubrication, it’s always a good idea to keep lubrication nearby. The more the vagina is lubricated, the less likely the lining of the vagina will have excessive ripping and tearing from intercourse. Rips and tears in the vagina help create a portal of entry for bacteria and other infections. Keep in mind, though, that while the use of a lubricant can make sexual intercourse less painful, it does not address the underlying cause of vaginal dryness itself. Here are a few suggestions to increase your moisture below.

  • Lubricants. Water-based or silicone-based lubricants can help keep your vagina lubricated. Choose products that don’t contain glycerin, which has been linked to yeast infections.
  • Moisturizers: These products imitate normal vaginal moisture and relieve dryness for up to three days with a single application. Use these as ongoing protection from the irritation of vaginal dryness. Before using complementary or alternative treatments, such as vitamin therapies or products containing estrogen, talk to your physician first.
  • Natural and Organic Lubricants: Cosmetic grade oils such as almond, coconut or olive oils act as lubricants and can be helpful in rejuvenating irritated, dry tissues.

Avoid using these products to treat vaginal dryness because they may dry and irritate your vagina:

  • Vinegar, yogurt or other douches
  • Hand lotions
  • Antibacterial or fragrant soaps
  • Bubble baths or bath oils
  • Scented or perfumed products
  • Flavored lubricants are not generally recommended because they can cause a yeast infection.
  • Oil-based lubricants are not meant for vagina use

What can I do?

Just because the vagina’s not wet doesn’t mean she’s not ready for sex! It’s important to note that there’s a difference between arousal and desire. Arousal, which causes lubrication, is physiological and the desire to have sex is psychological. So essentially a woman can have the desire to have sex but not be aroused which means that there may be some type of issue going on that needs to be addressed. In other words, she could want to have sex but her body may not be responding or getting aroused — vice versa she may not desire sex but her body may be aroused. Basically, don’t take it personally if she’s not wet and take this advice.

  • Pay attention to your sexual needs. Occasional vaginal dryness during intercourse may mean that you aren’t sufficiently aroused. Make time for foreplay and allow your body to become adequately aroused and lubricated. Communicate with your Beloved about your sexual needs and what turns you on.
  • Having intercourse regularly can also help promote better vaginal lubrication.
  • Listen to your body. Vaginal dryness may be an indication that something is going on with your body and you need to go to the physician.
  • Boost your water intake. Drinking at least ten 8-oz glasses of water a day may help to relieve vaginal dryness.
  • Follow a hormone-balancing diet. Your body needs the right nutritional support to make and balance your hormones.


Dr. TaMara

Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or


“Good Morning Texts Count” Men Reflect On How To Keep Women Happy In Relationships

December 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male

At this point I am less than a week from my 26th birthday. 25 was a fun year, a progress year. I expect 26 to be more of the same just with some bigger moves to be made. It was my own bright idea to share with my SBM family some thoughts I have and lessons I’ve learned as I begin to enter my 26th year on this here earth. Consider it my last piece of coherent writing prior to Hennypalooza this Saturday, as that is my birthday as well. Check out the following let me know of your own lessons you’ve learned about the opposite sex as you’ve aged:
Men and women are inherently different.

I’ve accepted that men and women will speak different languages on some things. It makes no sense to really be angered by this anymore. I accept how we can be different, I try to be understanding of it all.
Nice guys sort of finish last.

Nice guys really don’t finish last. There’s someone out there for everyone. Someone will dig most aspects about who you are. It can take a while, it can take a long while. These things don’t run on our time. In between relationships, you owe it to yourself to put your energy into bettering yourself and your situation. That positive energy will be rewarded at one time or another. But what won’t be rewarded is bitching about nice guys finishing last. If you run the same play and the defense has figured it out, change the play. It’s that simple.
Good morning texts count.

Now I don’t think the success of your relationship hinges on your ability to send timely good morning text. I do think that good morning texts help. In my early twenties I was horrible at sending those things. I’d get an earful sometimes because someone might not hear from me til maybe 2 p.m. That was just how I was back then. I’m sort of the same way now. I wake up and immediately start getting breakfast,freshening up and getting ready for my day. Many times I’m not really texting anyone. As I got older I used the morning commute to send my good morning text. It’s a nice gesture that she’ll appreciate. It doesn’t hurt, if you can do it make sure that you do.

Read more about women, men and their differences at

All About The Clitoris, Part 2: How To Properly Please Your Pleasure Spot

December 19th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Corbis

Source: Corbis

Forget what you’ve heard about chocolate and diamonds because the clitoris, which we reintroduced you to last week, is truly a woman’s best friend! In fact, they’re inseparable. While the mighty male penis may be a close friend indeed, it’s the clitoris that holds all the secrets to her pleasure. Understanding the secrets of this hot spot can make all the difference in the world between an ordinary and an extraordinary sexual experience!

However before you begin exploring all the ins and outs of the secret workings of the clitoris, be sure to check out these definite do’s and don’ts:

Don’t touch unless your hands are clean!
Just like mama said you should always wash your hands before dinner, you should always make sure you wash your hands before sexual pleasure as well. Make sure your hands and fingers are squeaky clean and your finger nails are well groomed. Bacteria that can mount on the hands and under fingernails can potentially infect the clitoris. Remember bacteria loves to thrive in warm and moist environments. Also make sure your fingernails are clipped and filed. A sharp or jagged fingernail on the most sensitive part of the body does not make for a good situation!

Do make sure you vary your strokes and techniques.
Consider yourself an artist as you paint your masterpiece. Use a combination of various strokes and techniques in order to ensure your greatest work of art comes forward! The same old stroke and/or technique can become pretty dull, boring, and even painful after a while. It can also ruin the entire experience. Consider incorporating the tongue — it’s the perfect tool for pleasure! As one of the strongest and most flexible muscles in the body, the tongue has the ability to twist, bend and fold. It can offer various stokes, apply pressure and even add the element of different textures. Try using fingers and even toys with your clitoral play; lightly nibbling or kissing the clitoral hood also helps spice things up a bit.

Do become intimately acquainted with her anatomy.
That might sound obvious, but very few people actually take the time to learn everything about the female body and how it functions. You don’t have to be a doctor, but you should have a basic understanding of the parts of the female anatomy and how they respond to pleasure. This information will help increase the pleasure you and your sexual partners experience as well as reduce risk for infection. After all, he more you know about how something works, the more you’re able to maximize its usage.

Don’t play too rough, she’s a lady!
The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve fibers. That’s a lot of sensitivity in one location! The wrong touch or move, no matter how slight, can change a moment of pure unadulterated pleasure into a scary nightmare. The same is true when it comes to using your teeth. Teeth are made for grinding and chewing food. Sharp teeth on an extremely sensitive clitoris… need I say more? It’s always best to err on the side of caution when it comes to lady clitoris. If you’re uncertain whether or not the touch or the teeth are too rough, just ASK! She’ll be glad you did.

Don’t skip on the lubrication, she’s not afraid to get wet!
Imagine continuously rubbing a very sensitive area of your body with extra-rough sandpaper. Ouch, right? Well that’s exactly how it feels when you continuously rub a non-lubricated clitoris over and over again. You can prevent this by getting natural vaginal fluids flowing during a steamy session of foreplay. However, if a woman doesn’t lubricate enough naturally, don’t be afraid to apply a water- or silicone-based lubricant. Stay away from coating the clitoris with oil-based or flavored lubricants, unless it’s glycerin free, because they’re not as hospitable to her environment. Remember the wetter the better.

Don’t blow on her. She gets cold quick.
Although it might be her birthday, don’t blow on the clitoris. It’s not a candle! This one might sound obvious, but thanks to advice in popular magazines and porn movies many people think that blowing air on the clitoris is a huge turn on. Not so much. Blowing huge gusts of air on the clitoris will only dry up the lubrication, causing discomfort. However, lightly breathing on the clitoris can provide a warm tingly sensation to the extremely sensitive nerve endings. FYI, blowing on the clitoris and breathing warmly on it are two completely different things. If you don’t know the difference, don’t even try it.

Do consider her time. It’s everything.
The clitoris can be extremely sensitive, especially shortly after an orgasm. Touching it at the wrong time can quickly turn a good time into a bad one. Gauge post-orgasm touch carefully, monitor any reaction and scale back the level of stimulation if necessary. Nothing is more uncomfortable than an over-stimulated clitoris.

Don’t be afraid to use her wing to help her fly!
Don’t just focus on the head of the clitoris!Although they’re not visual to the eye, the wings can help her fly into orgasmic intensity. At the height of sexual pleasure, the internal clitoris is extremely sensitive as well. Using your fingers, penis or a sex toy, to stroke the wings of the clitoris can send you or your beloved soaring into another world.

Do face the truth.
Can we all just face the clitoral truth? The clitoris has miraculous and mysterious power that demands respect, appreciation and attention. The more we understand about the center of a woman’s pleasure, the more we’re able to facilitate experiences of unparalleled bliss. The truth is that without the clitoris a woman would not experience as much sexual satisfaction. And when you combine clitoral stimulation with vaginal, g-spot, breast, vulva or other external stimulation, the experience is absolutely amazing. So, trust me when I say that she will thank you for taking the time to pay her clitoris the special attention it deserves.


Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 1CatalystCon Pic3, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or

Are You Guilty? Things Women Shouldn’t Do To Other Women

December 16th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Violating Girl Code may be a good way to drum up ratings on reality TV, but fans are saying that these celebrities have abandoned it in real life and need to come back over to this side of the fence.

Image Source: WENN

Image Source: WENN

Criticize Who They’re Dating

Not because you don’t know he’s bad news, but because she can’t hear you.

We all get stuck on stupid from time to time and it’s almost impossible to hear good advice when you’re in that position.

We all want Karrueche to do better, but these attacks on her Instagram page are getting out of hand. We thought moms were off limits…