All Articles Tagged "women"

It’s A Man’s World–Really! There Are Now More Men In World Than Women

February 3rd, 2015 - By Ann Brown
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Men outnumber women in the world by a whopping 60 million, the highest ever recorded, reports Quartz.  Driving this phenomenon is the preference for sons in such countries as India and China, among other things.

According to the Quartz study, which used The United Nations Population Division’s World Population Prospects, via World Bank (2014), in 2013, 49.59 percent of the global population were women. Eighty-one countries had a majority of women, only 37 countries had a majority of men, and 75 were within 0.5 percent of gender parity. Even though more countries have a majority of women, the most populous countries in the world have many, many more men. And in general, more boys are being born than girls.

“In 1961, the earliest year the World Bank provides data for, the world was within 0.09 percentage points of a perfectly equal distribution. Ever since, the gap has widened; now men outnumber women on the planet by almost 60 million,” reports Quartz.

When looking at the BRICS (Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa) states, they can be grouped into three groups. “China and India are strongly imbalanced toward men, Russia even more strongly imbalanced toward women, with Brazil and South Africa firmly somewhere in between,” reports Quartz.

In Rwanda the genocide in 1994 left the country with a significantly more female population than before. Meanwhile. the rest of Africa is pretty balanced.

Actually, most of the countries in Africa have both genders within 49.5 percent and 50.5 percent of the total population. However, with male expectancy rate lower, experts expected that over time, there will be more women than men. Because women, on average, outlive men by fewer years than elsewhere, this has not happened overall in Africa. For example, in Sub-Saharan Africa, the difference in life expectancy at birth is 2.4 years, as compared to 6.8 years in “more developed regions.”
Other places in Africa have seen a major shift. In Libya the female population increased from less than 47 percent in 1985—one of the world’s lowest—to 50 percent in 2013.

Turning to the U.S., there has been an increase in women from the 1960s onward, although there has been a slight rebound toward a more balanced population recently. The life expectancy between men and women widened after 1960 then narrowed starting in the ‘80s and ‘90s.

It will be interesting to see the effects of this shift to a more male society and how it will play into work roles and opportunities for women down the line.

Don’t Let Vaginal Dryness Ruin Your Life

December 26th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Normally, the walls of the vagina stay lubricated with a thin layer of clear fluid, however there are many things that can cause the lining to become dry and irritated. Insufficient lubrication — or vaginal dryness — can cause mild to significant pain (dyspareunia, which is a type of sexual pain disorder) and interfere with sexual pleasure.

Vaginal dryness is nothing to be embarrassed about. It affects many women, especially as they age. If vaginal dryness begins to affect your lifestyle, sex life and/or relationship with your partner; consider making an appointment with your physician. If you’re not sure you need to make an appointment, read on for these signs of vaginal dryness and potential treatments.

What causes dryness?

There are several things that can affect a woman’s ability to lubricate. Reduced estrogen levels are the main cause of vaginal dryness. Estrogen helps keep vaginal tissue healthy by maintaining normal vaginal lubrication, tissue elasticity and acidity. These factors create a natural defense against vaginal infections, but when your estrogen levels decrease, so does this natural defense, leading to a thinner, less elastic and more fragile vaginal lining and an increased risk of infections.

Medical conditions, significant life events, and daily habits such as pregnancy, lactation, menopause, aging, immune disorders, medical conditions, chemotherapy, sexually transmitted infections, smoking cigarettes, and douching will reduce lubrication and may cause the vagina to feel dry and irritated.

Certain medications can also cause dryness, including many common drugs for allergies, cardiovascular, psychiatric, and other medical conditions. Oral contraceptives and irritation from contraceptive creams and foams can also cause dryness, as can fear and anxiety about sexual intimacy. Vaginal dryness may also result from insufficient foreplay and arousal. In many cases, women need lots of sexual stimulation for arousal. The more aroused we are, the more lubrication, which reduces dryness and friction, helping to make sexual intercourse more pleasure.

Vaginal dryness may be accompanied by other signs and symptoms such as:

  • Itching or stinging around the vaginal opening
  • Burning
  • Soreness
  • Pain with intercourse
  • Light bleeding with intercourse
  • Increased urinary frequency or urgency
  • Recurrent urinary tract infections
  • Involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles

What gets me wet?

Vaginal lubricants can support and/or naturally restore your own vaginal moisture. Whether a woman has an issue or not with lubrication, it’s always a good idea to keep lubrication nearby. The more the vagina is lubricated, the less likely the lining of the vagina will have excessive ripping and tearing from intercourse. Rips and tears in the vagina help create a portal of entry for bacteria and other infections. Keep in mind, though, that while the use of a lubricant can make sexual intercourse less painful, it does not address the underlying cause of vaginal dryness itself. Here are a few suggestions to increase your moisture below.

  • Lubricants. Water-based or silicone-based lubricants can help keep your vagina lubricated. Choose products that don’t contain glycerin, which has been linked to yeast infections.
  • Moisturizers: These products imitate normal vaginal moisture and relieve dryness for up to three days with a single application. Use these as ongoing protection from the irritation of vaginal dryness. Before using complementary or alternative treatments, such as vitamin therapies or products containing estrogen, talk to your physician first.
  • Natural and Organic Lubricants: Cosmetic grade oils such as almond, coconut or olive oils act as lubricants and can be helpful in rejuvenating irritated, dry tissues.

Avoid using these products to treat vaginal dryness because they may dry and irritate your vagina:

  • Vinegar, yogurt or other douches
  • Hand lotions
  • Antibacterial or fragrant soaps
  • Bubble baths or bath oils
  • Scented or perfumed products
  • Flavored lubricants are not generally recommended because they can cause a yeast infection.
  • Oil-based lubricants are not meant for vagina use

What can I do?

Just because the vagina’s not wet doesn’t mean she’s not ready for sex! It’s important to note that there’s a difference between arousal and desire. Arousal, which causes lubrication, is physiological and the desire to have sex is psychological. So essentially a woman can have the desire to have sex but not be aroused which means that there may be some type of issue going on that needs to be addressed. In other words, she could want to have sex but her body may not be responding or getting aroused — vice versa she may not desire sex but her body may be aroused. Basically, don’t take it personally if she’s not wet and take this advice.

  • Pay attention to your sexual needs. Occasional vaginal dryness during intercourse may mean that you aren’t sufficiently aroused. Make time for foreplay and allow your body to become adequately aroused and lubricated. Communicate with your Beloved about your sexual needs and what turns you on.
  • Having intercourse regularly can also help promote better vaginal lubrication.
  • Listen to your body. Vaginal dryness may be an indication that something is going on with your body and you need to go to the physician.
  • Boost your water intake. Drinking at least ten 8-oz glasses of water a day may help to relieve vaginal dryness.
  • Follow a hormone-balancing diet. Your body needs the right nutritional support to make and balance your hormones.


Dr. TaMara

Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or


“Good Morning Texts Count” Men Reflect On How To Keep Women Happy In Relationships

December 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Image Source:

Image Source:

From Single Black Male

At this point I am less than a week from my 26th birthday. 25 was a fun year, a progress year. I expect 26 to be more of the same just with some bigger moves to be made. It was my own bright idea to share with my SBM family some thoughts I have and lessons I’ve learned as I begin to enter my 26th year on this here earth. Consider it my last piece of coherent writing prior to Hennypalooza this Saturday, as that is my birthday as well. Check out the following let me know of your own lessons you’ve learned about the opposite sex as you’ve aged:
Men and women are inherently different.

I’ve accepted that men and women will speak different languages on some things. It makes no sense to really be angered by this anymore. I accept how we can be different, I try to be understanding of it all.
Nice guys sort of finish last.

Nice guys really don’t finish last. There’s someone out there for everyone. Someone will dig most aspects about who you are. It can take a while, it can take a long while. These things don’t run on our time. In between relationships, you owe it to yourself to put your energy into bettering yourself and your situation. That positive energy will be rewarded at one time or another. But what won’t be rewarded is bitching about nice guys finishing last. If you run the same play and the defense has figured it out, change the play. It’s that simple.
Good morning texts count.

Now I don’t think the success of your relationship hinges on your ability to send timely good morning text. I do think that good morning texts help. In my early twenties I was horrible at sending those things. I’d get an earful sometimes because someone might not hear from me til maybe 2 p.m. That was just how I was back then. I’m sort of the same way now. I wake up and immediately start getting breakfast,freshening up and getting ready for my day. Many times I’m not really texting anyone. As I got older I used the morning commute to send my good morning text. It’s a nice gesture that she’ll appreciate. It doesn’t hurt, if you can do it make sure that you do.

Read more about women, men and their differences at

All About The Clitoris, Part 2: How To Properly Please Your Pleasure Spot

December 19th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Corbis

Source: Corbis

Forget what you’ve heard about chocolate and diamonds because the clitoris, which we reintroduced you to last week, is truly a woman’s best friend! In fact, they’re inseparable. While the mighty male penis may be a close friend indeed, it’s the clitoris that holds all the secrets to her pleasure. Understanding the secrets of this hot spot can make all the difference in the world between an ordinary and an extraordinary sexual experience!

However before you begin exploring all the ins and outs of the secret workings of the clitoris, be sure to check out these definite do’s and don’ts:

Don’t touch unless your hands are clean!
Just like mama said you should always wash your hands before dinner, you should always make sure you wash your hands before sexual pleasure as well. Make sure your hands and fingers are squeaky clean and your finger nails are well groomed. Bacteria that can mount on the hands and under fingernails can potentially infect the clitoris. Remember bacteria loves to thrive in warm and moist environments. Also make sure your fingernails are clipped and filed. A sharp or jagged fingernail on the most sensitive part of the body does not make for a good situation!

Do make sure you vary your strokes and techniques.
Consider yourself an artist as you paint your masterpiece. Use a combination of various strokes and techniques in order to ensure your greatest work of art comes forward! The same old stroke and/or technique can become pretty dull, boring, and even painful after a while. It can also ruin the entire experience. Consider incorporating the tongue — it’s the perfect tool for pleasure! As one of the strongest and most flexible muscles in the body, the tongue has the ability to twist, bend and fold. It can offer various stokes, apply pressure and even add the element of different textures. Try using fingers and even toys with your clitoral play; lightly nibbling or kissing the clitoral hood also helps spice things up a bit.

Do become intimately acquainted with her anatomy.
That might sound obvious, but very few people actually take the time to learn everything about the female body and how it functions. You don’t have to be a doctor, but you should have a basic understanding of the parts of the female anatomy and how they respond to pleasure. This information will help increase the pleasure you and your sexual partners experience as well as reduce risk for infection. After all, he more you know about how something works, the more you’re able to maximize its usage.

Don’t play too rough, she’s a lady!
The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve fibers. That’s a lot of sensitivity in one location! The wrong touch or move, no matter how slight, can change a moment of pure unadulterated pleasure into a scary nightmare. The same is true when it comes to using your teeth. Teeth are made for grinding and chewing food. Sharp teeth on an extremely sensitive clitoris… need I say more? It’s always best to err on the side of caution when it comes to lady clitoris. If you’re uncertain whether or not the touch or the teeth are too rough, just ASK! She’ll be glad you did.

Don’t skip on the lubrication, she’s not afraid to get wet!
Imagine continuously rubbing a very sensitive area of your body with extra-rough sandpaper. Ouch, right? Well that’s exactly how it feels when you continuously rub a non-lubricated clitoris over and over again. You can prevent this by getting natural vaginal fluids flowing during a steamy session of foreplay. However, if a woman doesn’t lubricate enough naturally, don’t be afraid to apply a water- or silicone-based lubricant. Stay away from coating the clitoris with oil-based or flavored lubricants, unless it’s glycerin free, because they’re not as hospitable to her environment. Remember the wetter the better.

Don’t blow on her. She gets cold quick.
Although it might be her birthday, don’t blow on the clitoris. It’s not a candle! This one might sound obvious, but thanks to advice in popular magazines and porn movies many people think that blowing air on the clitoris is a huge turn on. Not so much. Blowing huge gusts of air on the clitoris will only dry up the lubrication, causing discomfort. However, lightly breathing on the clitoris can provide a warm tingly sensation to the extremely sensitive nerve endings. FYI, blowing on the clitoris and breathing warmly on it are two completely different things. If you don’t know the difference, don’t even try it.

Do consider her time. It’s everything.
The clitoris can be extremely sensitive, especially shortly after an orgasm. Touching it at the wrong time can quickly turn a good time into a bad one. Gauge post-orgasm touch carefully, monitor any reaction and scale back the level of stimulation if necessary. Nothing is more uncomfortable than an over-stimulated clitoris.

Don’t be afraid to use her wing to help her fly!
Don’t just focus on the head of the clitoris!Although they’re not visual to the eye, the wings can help her fly into orgasmic intensity. At the height of sexual pleasure, the internal clitoris is extremely sensitive as well. Using your fingers, penis or a sex toy, to stroke the wings of the clitoris can send you or your beloved soaring into another world.

Do face the truth.
Can we all just face the clitoral truth? The clitoris has miraculous and mysterious power that demands respect, appreciation and attention. The more we understand about the center of a woman’s pleasure, the more we’re able to facilitate experiences of unparalleled bliss. The truth is that without the clitoris a woman would not experience as much sexual satisfaction. And when you combine clitoral stimulation with vaginal, g-spot, breast, vulva or other external stimulation, the experience is absolutely amazing. So, trust me when I say that she will thank you for taking the time to pay her clitoris the special attention it deserves.


Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 1CatalystCon Pic3, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or

Are You Guilty? Things Women Shouldn’t Do To Other Women

December 16th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Violating Girl Code may be a good way to drum up ratings on reality TV, but fans are saying that these celebrities have abandoned it in real life and need to come back over to this side of the fence.

Image Source: WENN

Image Source: WENN

Criticize Who They’re Dating

Not because you don’t know he’s bad news, but because she can’t hear you.

We all get stuck on stupid from time to time and it’s almost impossible to hear good advice when you’re in that position.

We all want Karrueche to do better, but these attacks on her Instagram page are getting out of hand. We thought moms were off limits…

It’s All About The Clitoris: Part 1

December 12th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Who says a woman isn’t supposed to enjoy sex? Especially when women have been perfectly designed with their own special pleasure spot! Did you know this spot is the only organ in the human body with the sole function of providing pleasure? With over 8,000 nerve endings — more than its counterpart, the mighty male (circumcised) penis, which has about 4,000 — it’s no wonder why women can achieve multiple mind-blowing orgasms. According to some researchers, even stimulation of this organ accounts for 50 to 75 percent of most orgasms. And, over 90 percent of women experience their first orgasm through its direct stimulation. Even more amazingly, most women experience multiple orgasms as a result of direct or indirect stimulation of this special spot of precious pleasure. The Clitoris is her name.

So where exactly is she, the clitoris? Many women complain that their partner can’t find her, mistreat her, or don’t spend nearly enough time getting to know her. And the vast majority of women do stimulate her in order to enhance their sexual experience! She is a key player to sexual pleasure. She’s a small, round blossom of pinkish or brownish flesh located just above the vaginal opening. A true cutie but shy at times, she’s usually hiding under a soft fold of tissue called the “clitoral hood” that helps protect it from over stimulation. Her size and shape differs from woman to woman, but on average she’s about two-and-a-half to four inches long, similar to the length of a flaccid penis. How about that? But, it’s important to note that her size does not correlate with the amount of pleasure she gives. Treat her right with the right stimulation and the results of magnificent multitude can be achieved no matter her length.

There’s more to her than meets the eye! Only a small portion of her can be seen by the naked eye since about 75 percent of her is hidden internally. Most people only focus on her pretty bold head or “glans,”  but the clitoris is actually a complex network of nerves that stretch throughout the vagina and up into her woman’s body. Some of her hidden internal parts include: erectile tissue, glands, muscles, blood vessels, and nerves. Internally, the clitoris has a bulb, winged-like figure that is reminiscent of a wishbone and she sits on both sides of the urethra. These pretty wings are made of erectile tissue that extends beneath the inner lips of the vagina, and they fill with blood when her woman is aroused.

Once aroused, her bulb fills with blood, increasing her size and sensitivity, which may retract her hood to reveal her head. At the peak of pleasure or orgasm, she will return to her petite size. But sometimes when orgasm isn’t achieved, or for other reasons, her bulb may remain full. If it’s for longer than a few hours, her condition and discomfort is pretty much the female equivalent of “blue balls.”

Every woman is unique and therefore so is her clitoris — not only in appearance but in the way it maintains a satisfying level of sexual arousal as well. The sensitivity of the clitoris and how she likes it to be handled for pleasure varies greatly from woman to woman. The direct approach is not always the best approach when it comes to the clitoris. Some women don’t enjoy direct stimulation because the overall feeling can be very intense, which may eventually cause pain for them, while other women enjoy the intensity and direct pressure and/or stimulation of their clitoris because it feels exhilarating for them. Then there are others who prefer stimulation from the side area or on top of the clitoral hood and the feeling is just as breathtaking. But, if you or your partner are uncertain of your level of clitoral sensitivity, it’s always best to start out gently, nice and slow, then vary your touch depending on the reaction being conveyed.

Communication and knowing your partner is ultimately the key to providing sexual pleasure. Never assume you know how to please her. What worked for one partner may not necessarily work for the another. Take your time, explore her anatomy and appreciate her womanhood. In the end, your hard work will pay off! A sexually satisfied woman is always more willing to return the favor!

Stay tuned for Part 2 of It’s All About the Clitoris.
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Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram,  or

Shh!! 15 Things Women Do When No One’s Watching

December 10th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Tumblr

Image Source: Tumblr

When you’re finally alone and the bra comes off. These are the things black women do when no one’s watching.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Female Ejaculation

November 28th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

The elusive female ejaculation, commonly known as gushing or squirting, is a phenomenon that has been popularized by the adult entertainment industry and it is actually more real than you think — that is, of course, minus the lights, camera, props and the beauty of editing!

So let’s say you’re having sex with your beloved and they hit that “spot” just right and all of a sudden you get the urge to pee. Afraid you’re going to urinate on your partner, you stop right in the middle of sex, cutting yourself short of experiencing the phenomenon known as female ejaculation. We don’t want you to do that anymore because you’re not about to pee. You’re about to you know what. So here’s everything you need to know about female ejaculation.

What is it? Female ejaculation refers to a watery fluid that originates in the G-Spot and is secreted by the Skenes/Paraurethral Glands through the urethra before and/or during orgasm. Although the fluid released during female ejaculation comes from the urethra, rest assured it is not urine. The fluid is female ejaculate, and it comes from the ducts around the urethra, not from the bladder, where urine is stored. The reason people may confuse female ejaculate with urine is the fact that female ejaculate can also sometimes travel back up into the bladder, which is called retrograde ejaculation. And because the female ejaculate may mix with urine and even share some of the same properties of urine- -urea and creatinine– many people think that it is urine; however that is not the case.

Female ejaculate is also distinctly different from normal vaginal fluid. Normal vaginal fluid can vary in taste, smell, color and consistency, depending on menstrual cycle, hormonal levels, food intake, presence of infection etc. Female ejaculate on the other hand is fairly consistent in taste, smell, color and consistency. It is a sweet smelling, watery type of fluid and is not the typical fluid that one sees when a woman is wet from sexual arousal or having had an orgasm.

What causes female ejaculation? During sexual arousal the G-Spot becomes enlarges and the tissue surrounding the urethra becomes engorged with blood and the Skenes/ Paraurethral glands begin to produce and fill with fluid. The rhythmic pressure from fingers, toys, a penis, or the contractions of an orgasm pushe the fluid out through the urethral opening causing ejaculation.The amount of fluid expelled during ejaculation can vary from woman to woman however the average amount is somewhere around two tablespoons. This depends on how hydrated a woman is and how much she pushes while ejaculating.

Can every women experience female ejaculation? All women have the Paraurethral / Skenes glands so all women are capable of producing this fluid and can eventually achieve female ejaculation! Interestingly enough, many women experience ejaculation during sex, but do not realize what’s happening and as a result, they cut the experience short for fear of “urinating on their partner.” That fear in turn leads to clenching down of the PC muscles which stop the fluid from coming out. The inability to relax, bare down and push prevents the release of the ejaculate. This inability usually comes down to a matter of inhibitions regarding sexuality, embarrassment, guilt, unfamiliarity with the female reproductive system, not being in touch with one’s own body, not having a thorough understanding of female ejaculation, lack of connection and/or sexual compatibility with one’s partner, and stress.

How can a woman increase her changes of experiencing female ejaculation? The first step is to stop trying! Like exploring everything else new in your experience of sex, you should work towards it but not put unnecessary stresses on yourself or your partner by making it your goal. Having goal-oriented sex almost always ensures that you will not reach your sexual goal. Addressing any psychological barriers that may contribute to your inability to fulfill sexual desires may also be helpful and/or it may be just be a matter of finding the right technique.

The most simple and effective way to bring yourself or your partner one step closer to allowing the waters to flow from within is by including some of the following tips into your regular sex play:

  • Strengthen your PC Muscles. Being able to contract and release your PC muscle can help with achieving female ejaculation
  • Add clitoral stimulation to your G-spot stimulation. Multiple forms of stimulation help to increase levels of arousal.
  • Locate your G-Spot. Try using a g-spot stimulator to help locate your G-Spot. Additionally, the G-Spot is usually much easier to locate after the first orgasm.
  • Try to urinate before sex play. Emptying your bladder will help to reduce anxiety around urinating on your partner.
  • Bare down and push when you feel like you are about to have an orgasm rather than clenching tight. This will help to force out any fluid that has built up in the Skenes/ Paraurethral glands. Whatever you do, don’t stop pushing just allow the fluid to flow. The orgasm will be very intense and pleasurable.
  • Seek the advice of a professional sex therapist or counselor. There may be some deeper issue blocking your ability to experience your sexual desires.

So the next time you are in the midst of sex play, give yourself permission to let go and experience the orgasmic intensity of a g-spot orgasm. Don’t worry it’s not pee — unless you didn’t empty your bladder first. Try to make yourself as comfortable as possible and try to enjoy what the experience has to offer you.Give yourself permission and freedom to let go and most importantly, have fun! Remember the journey is just as important as the destination!


IMG_1685Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or


No Thanksgiving Invite? 7 Obvious Sign You’re A Jump Off

November 27th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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7 Obvious Sign You're A Jump Off

Source: Shutterstock

So you’ve been “dating” this guy for quite sometime and you’re really starting to develop feelings for him. You’re ready to take things to the next level but you’re not quite sure how he feels. You finally muster up the courage to ask him just exactly where you stand with him and where the relationship is going and he responds with those dreadful words no woman ever wants to hear: “I’m not ready for a relationship,” “I’m just having fun right now,” or the all time favorite, “it’s not you, it’s me.”

Caught off guard, you can’t believe your ears because, after all, in your mind you have been spending “a lot” of time together, or have you? It’s time for you to assess your situation and realize that you probably were just a jump off. As hard as it may be to face the fact that you’ve been played, it’s a necessary period of reflection so you don’t find yourself in the same position again.

Here are 7 dead giveaway signs that you’re just a jump off. Warning: you may experience one or all of these signs at any given time.

1. The 2:00 a.m. phone calls. It’s 2:00 in the morning and your phone rings. Although you’re halfway sleep, you answer the phone only to hear a voice on the other end asking if he can stop by. Anxiously you agree because, after all, he called you instead of someone else so of course that must mean he’s so into you, right? Wrong! Nevertheless, you immediately jump out the bed and freshen up as you await for your company to arrive……at 2:00 a.m.

2. His friends don’t know you exist. Despite the fact he’s always hanging out with his friends, you’ve never met them nor does he ever invite you to. When a guy is truly into you, he doesn’t hesitate to show you off to his friends. He’s so proud to have you on his arm and in his life that he doesn’t waste anytime bragging on you.

3. No happy holidays. Thanksgiving is here and you eagerly made plans, anticipating spending time together. However he comes up with an excuse for why he’s not available to spend the day with you. Or even worse, he shows up at your house after all the festivities are over. And to make matters worse, he uses his mother, his kids or his job as an excuse.

4. He introduces you as just a friend. Whenever you’re out together and he runs into someone he knows, he introduces you, if he does at all, as just a friend. This introduction is necessary to let others know he’s not committed and still very much available to anyone who’s interested.

5. No daytime dates. Whenever the two of you get together it’s always at night in a low-key location without high visibility. His justification: “I want to spend some quiet alone time with you.” Although these outings are not really dates, he does just enough to show some interest to keep you hanging around just so he can hit it and quit it whenever he wants.

6. Affection equals sex. The only time he shows any affection is when you two are having sex. You desire more affection and attention but P.D.A. is so far off his radar that you would have better luck finding Waldo. Try denying him sex one night and watch how quickly he and your pseudo-relationship disappear.

7. You can’t get in touch with him. Like an old cell phone plan, his nights and weekends aren’t free! He is never available to talk when you want to, so you sit by the phone waiting for a call that never comes. He conveniently comes up with excuses that include: my phone was on vibrate, I didn’t hear it ringing, my phone was in the other room, I left it at home by accident or I was out of the area and I couldn’t get any reception (side-eye).

Whether we want to admit it or not, we have all played the fool for love. We auditioned, got the starring role and were unknowingly cast as the jump off in someone else’s relationship drama. While we can certainly say shame on them for doing us wrong, at some point it becomes shame on us for allowing ourselves to be done wrong. Once you have learned the signs of being a jump off, you have no one to thank, for your best actress in a drama award, but yourself. So take a bow and exit stage left. It’s time for women to become more responsible and accountable for ourselves, get off the emotional roller coaster and require better for our love lives.

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Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist!  Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or

5 Things We Need To Stop Telling Girls About Sex

November 7th, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Stop Telling Girls About Sex

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Mothers and big sisters are usually the first ones to tell their daughters about sex, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. As sensitive a subject as sex is, loved ones should definitely be the first ones to tell adolescents about it. However, our own biases and lack of knowledge can also taint impressionable youths’ vision of sexuality and reproductive health. So in the interest of not leading young girls astray, here are a few things we must stop telling them about sex.

1. Good girls don’t have sex!

Abstinence is great and we all wish that our girls practiced it, but in reality that’s just not the case.  So why turn a blind eye to the situation? It only adds to the problem.  We need to equip our girls with the truth so they can not only protect themselves but embrace and own their sexuality.

When we categorize sex as something that only bad girls do, we subconsciously send the message that “good” girls should not enjoy sex. The challenge this creates is that as our “good” girls grow up and become women who get married, and still are harboring the “good girls don’t” stigma. As a result, they are less likely to experience sexual pleasure with their partner; which can ultimately contribute to significant problems in their relationship. In addition, many girls who grow up with this belief may suffer from sexual dysfunction which may have been prevented if they grew up with a healthy view of sexuality.

2. Douching helps keep the vagina clean and healthy.

For years women have been told to douche in order to feel fresher, cleanse their vagina and keep it smelling spring time fresh. This belief has been passed down throughout generations and still remains a common practice today. The only reason we are still caught up in the belief that douching is relevant is because the media and companies like Vagisil and Massengill have a product to market and sell. It is their job to make us to believe that the vagina is dirty and nasty and in order to feel good about yourself and your vagina you need to use these products that will help the vagina smell like flowers. Having some vaginal odor and discharge is natural. However, if you notice a very strong or foul odor and/or a funny color discharge, it may be a sign of infection.

In recent years, many studies have shown that douching can actually be very harmful to the internal environment of the vagina. Douching can actually have adverse effects on the vagina by washing away healthy bacteria and pushing harmful bacteria further up into the vaginal canal. This can create an imbalance in the internal environment and make it much easier to get an infection.

The vagina is actually designed to cleanse itself. Washing the vagina with warm water is enough to keep it clean. Using perfumed bath and body products only irritate the sensitive lining of the vagina as well as the inner and outer delicate folds of the vulva, the labia minora and labia majoria. Utilize caution when using a face towel or luffa on the vulva, especially as they dry, because they can carry bacteria that may be harmful to the vulva as well. If you must use a soap, then stick to using a non-scented, alcohol-free soap only on the outside of the vulva area.

3. It’s not okay to call your vagina a vagina.

Vajayjay, twat, slit, p*ssy, beaver, kitty, punany, coota mama, coochie, black box, deep hole, down there, titties, watermelon, twins, boobs, and jugs are just a few of the slang names that we use when referring to our body parts. When you stop to think about it, many of these names are not cute at all! They are down right negative and derogatory. They send the wrong message about the female body. Not only that, some of these words are very uncomfortable to hear. When we teach our girls to use cutesy names instead of using the correct terminology for body parts and functions, it takes away the value. When we devalue something, we do not respect it and take care of it. This lack of respect or value of their body places girls at risk for sexually transmitted infections, HIV and pregnancy because they don’t value their body enough to protect it.

Using slang terms also limits girls’ ability to have an educated and informed conversation with their physician. Many physicians are not culturally competent. They do not understand the vernacular and slang terms that are sometimes used when referring to body parts and functions. This lack of understanding can lead to not receiving necessary treatment or appropriate quality of care. The bottom line is that if the physician cannot understand you, then how can s/he help you.

4. Don’t touch your body.

It’s important that we teach our girls that it’s OK to touch their bodies — after all they’re theirs. They must learn the body parts and functions, they must learn how to properly take care of their body, and they must learn what’s natural and healthy for their body. Teaching our girls not to touch their body only sends the message that their body parts and functions are something that is unnatural and nasty. It perpetuates stigma and helps create shame and guilt regarding the body. This negative view will ultimately contribute to unhealthy ideals about sexuality.

In order to fully discover, explore, and embrace their sexuality, girls must become intimately acquainted with their body. It’s essential to having power over of their sexuality and that begins by being comfortable enough to explore their body. Additionally it helps lay the foundation for learning to understand, respect and communicate sexual attitudes, beliefs, needs, wants and concerns, not only to their physicians but their future partners.

Lastly, by teaching girls to love and honor their bodies, it helps reduce body image issues and self-esteem challenges. Girls and women who love, respect and value their body are less likely to put themselves at risk.

5. Nothing 

In a day in age where sex sells everything from diapers to dog food and the media bombards us with oversexualized images of scantily clad women, we can’t afford to remain silent about sex. The danger of not talking to girls about their sexuality is that it doesn’t prepare them for becoming young women. Many adult women have shared horror stories about beginning their menstrual cycle and not having a clue about what was going on or how to take care of themselves. Imagine how terrifying that could be to a girl who has not been educated about her body.

Avoiding conversations about sex does not mean that girls aren’t going to do it. It only means that they are going to sneak and do it. We were created as sexual beings and we will be sexual beings until we die. Sex is a natural part of life. It’s who we are! It encompasses every dimension of our lives. The urge and desire to have sex does not go away. Not properly educating our girls with the knowledge, skills and tools is only creating a recipe for disaster. Ultimately, they will learn the information from somewhere and in most cases what they are learning is not accurate.

When should you start talking to girls about sex….as soon as they start asking questions. Everything should be done in a developmentally appropriate way. Be open and honest. Allow them to ask questions. If you don’t have the answers, find them! Also, please talk to them about all aspects of sexuality, not just about the physical aspects of sex. It’s important to make sure girls understand the emotional, spiritual, social, legal and economic repercussions of having sex. And while education about sex is great, you also need to take it a step further and teach them the skills. It’s great to say “use a condom” but if you don’t teach them the proper steps to use the condom, where to get the condom and how to negotiate safer sex, then it’s useless.

To all the men out there, please also talk to your daughters! Have a no-holds-barred conversation with her from the male perspective on sex and sexuality. Educate them on the qualities and characteristics men look for in a woman he is serious about.  Take your daughters out on a date! Become the standard of what she should look forward to from a man by demonstrating how a man should respect and treat a woman. Your actions will make the difference in the type of relationships and behaviors she engages in. It just might save her life!

While I do understand that having conversations about sex can be very uncomfortable, they are critical. If you are uninformed or uncomfortable talking about sex, then seek out the assistance of someone who is professionally qualified to have the conversation.

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Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality.  She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE Follow her on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, or