All Articles Tagged "wife"
The love I have for my husband is deeper and more exciting than the love I have for my kids. He is my lover, my confidant, and my biggest fan. I am the same for him. It is so clear to me as a wife, mother, and psychologist that if I do not have a strong, healthy, and connected marriage, my mothering abilities are not on track.
Many of the couples with younger children that I see in my private practice find themselves exhausted, angry, and disconnected in their marriage. This is often because the woman focuses on the kids while the husband throws himself into his work.
This may seem like a good idea for a time, but as this goes on, the relationship will begin to suffer greatly. When we get married and before we have kids, as couples, we have the time, energy, and money to devote to our relationship.
We go out to dinner and a movie without a second thought. We can have sex any time without worrying if a baby will wake up or a toddler will come crashing through the door. Once kids enter the picture, we forget what being loved and honored by our partner (without spit up on us) feels like.
The mistake many moms make is they believe that if they are a good mother, their husband will be fine and he will understand.
In reality, the husband may feel pushed out of the parenting role and begrudgingly give up trying to have a relationship with his wife. As a result, they each become resentful of what the other “isn’t” doing in regards to both the kids and the marriage.
In this scenario, the man will continue to retreat and do less and less for the kids, while the woman becomes angrier at this turn of events. She then gives less and less energy to her spouse, which makes him disconnect further and further.
The descent into divorce has begun.
One of the mistakes reality parents Jon and Kate Gosselin made was “putting their kids first.” Every time I heard them say that phrase, it was like nails on a chalkboard to my ears. If they had just devoted some time to their relationship, I believe they wouldn’t have found themselves divorcing and creating such trauma and drama for the entire family.
Good mothers and fathers must start by being a good wives and husbands.
If your emotional needs are not being met by your husband, you will try to fulfill these needs through your kids or elsewhere, which isn’t healthy or positive for the marriage or for your kids. Your husband will also reach outside the marriage to get his emotional and physical needs met. Remember, your esteem as a partner is not the same as your esteem as a parent, but they do directly impact each other.
Do not think your marriage can survive until the children are 18 and off to college unless you start dedicating real time and real energy to your relationship.
I always tell my couples that you are not just setting an example as a mother and father, but even more importantly, your children are watching you to see what being a good wife and husband means.
Unlike women, men are fairly simple. Whether we want to listen or not, they’ll usually tell us exactly what they need. Give them what they need and they’re happy. Most guys are fairly low maintenance and have a whole lot in common.
I’ve spoken with several men of all ages, races and backgrounds and oddly–or obviously–enough, they typically want the same thing in a wife. The key word here is wife. As one guy put it: “There are some things that you like because they’re exciting and fancy but that doesn’t mean you want to keep them forever…” He went on to use this analogy: “Just because you are dying to rent the red sports car doesn’t mean you want to own it.”
So, when it comes to wives–the woman a man chooses to be worthy of his last name–there are a few things most men (over 90 percent!) look for. On a recent episode of R.E.A.L. Single Wives TV, Charlie Ervin shared three characteristics of a woman who’s wife material:
She’s Ambitious… As one guy put it: “She doesn’t have to have a lot of money but she has to be working to get it…she has to be working toward something.” Believe it or not, men appreciate women who have found their passion and are pursuing their dreams. They appreciate a business-minded woman with financial sense, it puts them at ease to trusting you to manage their household. Plus, it’s very easy to lose yourself once you find someone. Give yourself a fair chance by always setting new goals, both personally and professionally.
What are you working toward that doesn’t involve a man?
Up your stock by starting a new venture, finding another stream of income or coming up with new ways to invest your money.
She’s Nurturing… Whether you think it’s unrealistic, disturbing or weird, men are attracted to women who give the same energy as their mother. Men need to be hugged, kissed and cared for just as much as we do. Although we like their tough exterior, we have to remember to stroke their egos and boost their confidence. They need us to be their number one cheerleader while they’re out taking over the world. If you are out werking just as hard (refer to the first point, above) then you understand the need for a solid support system when you are working toward your goals. Charlie shared that he had about 15 business ideas when he met his wife Rissy and she supported his ideas instead of killing his dreams! Being nurturing is a key quality that men look for in a wife.
She’s Easy to Love… She’s not playing games, making him “prove his love” by doing ridiculous things or creating arguments based on her insecurities. A confident woman who knows her worth, understands her flaws and accepts love and support from others is a woman that any smart man will want to keep around. One thing women often fail to realize is the same barriers we put up to protect our hearts often keep out the men who can help heal them. A marriage-minded man will appreciate a fair chance and won’t waste his time doing petty things to prove himself to you. One guy mentioned that he shouldn’t have to, “Start at zero and earn points with you based on your insecurities.” Instead, he should start with all of the points and lose them based only on his own actions instead of your experiences with others.
How many times have you overreacted because your new guy reminded you of something your old guy did?
A woman who’s ready for marriage will be open to receiving real love and freely give it away.
So, how do you add up? Although there are hundreds of qualities men look for in a wife, mastering these three are sure to set you apart from the typical woman on the dating scene. Whether you want to accept it or not, we’re fighting a losing battle in the numbers game. There are far more eligible women than there are men which means men have more options than we do. Please get out of the mindset of thinking that a man should come along and accept you flaws and all, whether you are working to improve them or not. Men don’t mind being a part of your growth process as long as you are in progress. Your goal each day is to be better than the last and when you know better, you do better.
So, now you know!
For more information, visit the author Koereyelle, Founder and CEO of The Single Wives Club here.
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I got married in May 2011 and my husband left six months later after a heated argument when I asked him to leave my house. Needless to say he never returned. I reached out with very little response and the times he wanted to talk he blamed me for everything. Eventually he cut off all communication with me. This went on until June 2012. At this point, I was lost and I prayed and prayed until I said I’m going to try to call him once more. Well, he answered but the response was devastating. He pretended that he didn’t know who I was! My reaction, of course, was filled with tears and pain. I said, “This is your wife.” He laughed at me and hung up. Once again, there was no communication. I filed for divorce on May 1st and he signed the papers the next day. Our divorce was final by July 2012. The process was so swift and fast it was hard to deal with. My question is, why was divorce such an easy outlet for him when he is the one who left and never returned? Why wouldn’t he file for the divorce? It has been almost two years. I feel I’m better and this is my testimony. But I must live with fact that I will never truly know why he left, cut off all communications and made me feel obsolete like the marriage never occurred. It’s a hard factor to live with for the rest of my life. Any advice or thoughts to help me through this?
A Sweet Lady
Read Dr.Sherry’s response at Essence.com
If it’s a great relationship, you shouldn’t have to make too many changes after getting married. You just slapped a license on a deep love. But, your man will appreciate you making these 14 teeny, tiny changes after taking his last name (if that’s something you choose to do).
Marriage is truly what you make of it. Some days will be okay, some days will be amazing, and other days will be downright horrible. However, there are definitely some things you should and should not do to at least try to have as many good days as a married couple as possible. One of those things is to know what you’re saying before you say it. Here are 14 things to never say to your husband, unless you’re looking for a problem.
If you haven’t checked out Bethenny Frankel’s show, you might want to get on that. She really has a knack for this thing. And apparently, she gets the juicy tidbits as well. In a show that will air on Tuesday, September 24, Tiki and his wife Traci announced that they’re expecting in December.
Many of us know the seemingly scandalous way Traci and Tiki got together. Tiki filed for divorce in 2010 from his first wife Ginny Cha. The thing is that Tiki and Traci started messing around not only while Tiki was still married but while Ginny was pregnant… with twins. It’s no secret considering Tiki discussed the ordeal (including details of how he and Traci were doing it in his agent’s attic in Sport Illustrated).
Aaahhh good times.
But alas, what’s in the past is in the past and no matter how these two found each other, we’re happy for the arrival of a new child.
Check out the announcement below.
I am a newlywed. I married the man it seems I’ve loved forever – we’ve known each other for 15 years. We dated on and off again for a couple years in my twenties, went our separate ways for about 11 years, reconnected, dated for another two, lived together for a year, and finally tied the knot last Thursday.
The first question everyone asks me now is “How does it feel? Do you feel married now?”
As weird, or wrong, or strange as it may seem, the answer is…”no.”
Maybe because I’ve only been married a few days, it hasn’t hit me yet. Maybe I don’t know what being married is supposed to feel like. I’ve never done this before – I hope to never do it again – so maybe “feeling” married is something you just ease into. I mean, after all, I still love him the same way. We’ve lived together now for over a year so it’s not like I now have to get used to his smelly socks. I don’t feel like our relationship has changed any since saying “I do.” The only difference I feel now is that my relationship with John is now made legal. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have any real expectations as to what it was going to be like being a wife. I guess you could say now there’s no turning back and our union is more “serious.” I don’t want to downplay the sanctity or the real commitment it takes to betroth yourself to someone else for life, but I took our relationship seriously before we got married. Hearing him declare his love for me to an officiant and me doing the same was a wonderful feeling – and to hear him say he’d take care of me forever was amazing. I’m happy that I’m happy and in love and am his wife. But what does that feel like today as opposed to the day before we got married? I can’t say it feels that much different other than now he’s no longer my boyfriend.
To me, it feels similar to when people ask you if you feel any differently becoming a year older on your birthday. Sure, maybe I felt “grown” when I turned 21, but turning 22 or 23 didn’t feel any different. When I turned 30, I felt I had reached a milestone, but I didn’t feel any differently at 30 than I felt at 27…the age I seem to perpetually be in my head. But if you ask me what the difference is between how I feel at 40 versus how I felt at 15, I can definitely tell you how I’ve grown, matured and developed. There is a sea of time between those two ages where I have had enough experiences to draw on to give a distinct answer.
So maybe that’s what it’ll take. Ask me in a year, five or 10 years what it feels like to be married. Hopefully, in that time we will be raising children together, have faced enough challenges and loved each other more to the point where I can say what being married feels like. Right now, I don’t have an answer, and I think that’s okay. Some women may feel differently the moment they walk down the aisle. My sister told me when she got married, she felt like they were no longer playing games – like they were in it to win it. I understand that marriage changes the game. It’s a challenge we both feel up to so blow the whistle…I’m in!
So my question is this: Should getting married instantaneously make you feel different in your relationship? If you don’t “feel married” right away, is that normal? Do some of you out there feel married and if so, can you explain what that means? Does feeling married become something that happens in time? If you are a bride-to-be, do you have expectations that after your wedding you will feel something uniquely different? I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts on this.
Until then, I guess the best answer to how I feel is simply this: I feel like being called his wife is an honor, even though I’ve never been one to be hung up on titles. But it’s one that slaps me in the face now every time someone calls me “Mrs. McMillon.” It’s like a cool splash of water in my face…and it feels good.
Exchanging wedding vows is one of the most sentimental moments between a couple during their wedding nuptials. Here are a few creative ideas and tips to create the best wedding vows for your mate.
Is what I desire what I truly desire? Is what I want what I really think it is? Do I really know what I am asking for, or is my fantasy greater than the reality I dream of?
So he finally proposed and you’ve set the date. You’ve picked out the perfect dress, selected your bridal party and planned the perfect day to profess your love to the one who professed his love to you when he asked for your hand in marriage. These have been the moments you have been waiting for; being proposed to and planning a wedding and you are now ready to be a wife!
Or are you?
I ask this question because there are a number of single women, and even women who are married, who only desired the union of marriage but they were not ready to take on the task of being a wife. Being married means to unite with the man who has been designed for you in holy matrimony. It also means to take one as an intimate life partner to fulfill your purpose in life together as one unit. Sounds simple enough, right? While marriage is indeed a sacred union, both a man and woman, husband and wife, have roles to play to keep the marriage together. There are a number of women who desire marriage for companionship, financial security, social status, because they want to have children, so on and so on, but how many women want to be a wife in their marriage and not simply a married woman in relationship status?
As a wife a woman has a number of tasks to maintain within the marriage, which I am sure many of us are aware of. However, in order to complete these tasks and to truly call herself a wife, a woman must first know and recognize what it means to be a wife and not simply a married woman. Some characteristics of a wife include possessing superior inner qualities, having dignity, being selfless, being a helping hand to your husband (for those who are single, being helpful to those around you), having moral worth, having a good reputation, having and using wisdom, having respect for your husband and the marriage, possessing skills/abilities and using them to maintain the household, knowing how to communicate (this includes listening and being heard), being one who practices humility, and the list goes on. These are the traits that a woman who is destined to be a wife is ready to possess.
Without these and other qualities, it will be difficult for a married woman to call herself a wife…in fact, it may be difficult for her husband to call her his wife as well. Further fact, it may be difficult for a man who is seeking his wife to find her if she does not possess these traits as a single woman first. I believe many women desire marriage, but really aren’t ready for what it entails. I say this because so many women and men go into marriage blindly and for the wrong reasons. Just watch some of the Bridezillas. Society has a painted a distorted picture of what being a wife is (getting a fancy wedding), and those images have been set in the minds and hearts of so many single and married women. Something needs to change.
Being married is a beautiful blessing for the parties involved directly and indirectly, and it serves a purpose in those lives. But I am curious to know how many women really want to be a wife and not simply a married woman? I challenge you to reflect on and reevaluate your reasons for desiring marriage and ask yourself if you are ready for the challenges and the triumphs of being a wife. Or is that you truly only desire to be a married woman for the status, because if the latter is true, you and your mate may be in for a rude awakening. What are some reasons you desire marriage? Are they self-centered? Do you want to be a married woman, or a wife?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
On her own since she was 15-years-old, Eva Fields was orphaned and supporting herself by her sixteenth birthday. “I was taking better care of myself than my elders were,” she admits. “But, I wasn’t making the right decisions.” By 17, she was pregnant with her second child and told she had tested positive for HIV. Thankfully, her son was born healthy, but she knew things were only going to get tougher from there. Instead of giving in to the fear and the pain, Eva chose to educate herself about HIV and AIDS. She focused on staying positive and helping others learn from her experiences and mistakes. Fields always believed she would never be able to have more children, but with medical supervision, she was able to conceive her third child, a healthy baby girl who was born HIV negative. Her story is powerful and a true inspiration to all women who have ever had to face an unthinkable diagnosis. In honor of National Women’s Health Week, we talked to Fields about protecting our bodies and our children and the importance of spreading awareness.
ESSENCE.com: You told your now-husband your status on your first real date. How courageous! Why did you decide to do it that way?
EVA FIELDS: It was scary, of course. Any time, as a woman, when you meet the one, you have those attractions and you don’t want to lose someone because of a societal stigma. Society as a whole puts a bad label on anyone who’s HIV positive. I just felt it was time to let him know and that if he cared about me enough he would either accept it or not. It was my responsibility as a woman and as an adult to let him know. We were on a lunch date and before he decided to take that first bite, I just told him. For me, it’s never been difficult to tell anyone my status. It’s difficult getting turned down and feeling rejected. That’s what makes it hard for anyone HIV positive wanting to date someone that’s HIV negative.
ESSENCE.com: What was his reaction?
FIELDS: He was like, “Okay.” Just like that. I asked him what he meant by “okay,” as I prepared to put my guard up, and then he said, “Okay. I’m educated. I have the real education, and I’m very educated on the subject.” I felt very blessed. In the past, I had come across people who were not educated and reacted terribly. I can’t blame them. Sometimes, as human beings, we fear the unknown.
Read more on Essence.com.