All Articles Tagged "wife"
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I got married in May 2011 and my husband left six months later after a heated argument when I asked him to leave my house. Needless to say he never returned. I reached out with very little response and the times he wanted to talk he blamed me for everything. Eventually he cut off all communication with me. This went on until June 2012. At this point, I was lost and I prayed and prayed until I said I’m going to try to call him once more. Well, he answered but the response was devastating. He pretended that he didn’t know who I was! My reaction, of course, was filled with tears and pain. I said, “This is your wife.” He laughed at me and hung up. Once again, there was no communication. I filed for divorce on May 1st and he signed the papers the next day. Our divorce was final by July 2012. The process was so swift and fast it was hard to deal with. My question is, why was divorce such an easy outlet for him when he is the one who left and never returned? Why wouldn’t he file for the divorce? It has been almost two years. I feel I’m better and this is my testimony. But I must live with fact that I will never truly know why he left, cut off all communications and made me feel obsolete like the marriage never occurred. It’s a hard factor to live with for the rest of my life. Any advice or thoughts to help me through this?
A Sweet Lady
Read Dr.Sherry’s response at Essence.com
If it’s a great relationship, you shouldn’t have to make too many changes after getting married. You just slapped a license on a deep love. But, your man will appreciate you making these 14 teeny, tiny changes after taking his last name (if that’s something you choose to do).
Marriage is truly what you make of it. Some days will be okay, some days will be amazing, and other days will be downright horrible. However, there are definitely some things you should and should not do to at least try to have as many good days as a married couple as possible. One of those things is to know what you’re saying before you say it. Here are 14 things to never say to your husband, unless you’re looking for a problem.
If you haven’t checked out Bethenny Frankel’s show, you might want to get on that. She really has a knack for this thing. And apparently, she gets the juicy tidbits as well. In a show that will air on Tuesday, September 24, Tiki and his wife Traci announced that they’re expecting in December.
Many of us know the seemingly scandalous way Traci and Tiki got together. Tiki filed for divorce in 2010 from his first wife Ginny Cha. The thing is that Tiki and Traci started messing around not only while Tiki was still married but while Ginny was pregnant… with twins. It’s no secret considering Tiki discussed the ordeal (including details of how he and Traci were doing it in his agent’s attic in Sport Illustrated).
Aaahhh good times.
But alas, what’s in the past is in the past and no matter how these two found each other, we’re happy for the arrival of a new child.
Check out the announcement below.
I am a newlywed. I married the man it seems I’ve loved forever – we’ve known each other for 15 years. We dated on and off again for a couple years in my twenties, went our separate ways for about 11 years, reconnected, dated for another two, lived together for a year, and finally tied the knot last Thursday.
The first question everyone asks me now is “How does it feel? Do you feel married now?”
As weird, or wrong, or strange as it may seem, the answer is…”no.”
Maybe because I’ve only been married a few days, it hasn’t hit me yet. Maybe I don’t know what being married is supposed to feel like. I’ve never done this before – I hope to never do it again – so maybe “feeling” married is something you just ease into. I mean, after all, I still love him the same way. We’ve lived together now for over a year so it’s not like I now have to get used to his smelly socks. I don’t feel like our relationship has changed any since saying “I do.” The only difference I feel now is that my relationship with John is now made legal. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have any real expectations as to what it was going to be like being a wife. I guess you could say now there’s no turning back and our union is more “serious.” I don’t want to downplay the sanctity or the real commitment it takes to betroth yourself to someone else for life, but I took our relationship seriously before we got married. Hearing him declare his love for me to an officiant and me doing the same was a wonderful feeling – and to hear him say he’d take care of me forever was amazing. I’m happy that I’m happy and in love and am his wife. But what does that feel like today as opposed to the day before we got married? I can’t say it feels that much different other than now he’s no longer my boyfriend.
To me, it feels similar to when people ask you if you feel any differently becoming a year older on your birthday. Sure, maybe I felt “grown” when I turned 21, but turning 22 or 23 didn’t feel any different. When I turned 30, I felt I had reached a milestone, but I didn’t feel any differently at 30 than I felt at 27…the age I seem to perpetually be in my head. But if you ask me what the difference is between how I feel at 40 versus how I felt at 15, I can definitely tell you how I’ve grown, matured and developed. There is a sea of time between those two ages where I have had enough experiences to draw on to give a distinct answer.
So maybe that’s what it’ll take. Ask me in a year, five or 10 years what it feels like to be married. Hopefully, in that time we will be raising children together, have faced enough challenges and loved each other more to the point where I can say what being married feels like. Right now, I don’t have an answer, and I think that’s okay. Some women may feel differently the moment they walk down the aisle. My sister told me when she got married, she felt like they were no longer playing games – like they were in it to win it. I understand that marriage changes the game. It’s a challenge we both feel up to so blow the whistle…I’m in!
So my question is this: Should getting married instantaneously make you feel different in your relationship? If you don’t “feel married” right away, is that normal? Do some of you out there feel married and if so, can you explain what that means? Does feeling married become something that happens in time? If you are a bride-to-be, do you have expectations that after your wedding you will feel something uniquely different? I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts on this.
Until then, I guess the best answer to how I feel is simply this: I feel like being called his wife is an honor, even though I’ve never been one to be hung up on titles. But it’s one that slaps me in the face now every time someone calls me “Mrs. McMillon.” It’s like a cool splash of water in my face…and it feels good.
Exchanging wedding vows is one of the most sentimental moments between a couple during their wedding nuptials. Here are a few creative ideas and tips to create the best wedding vows for your mate.
Is what I desire what I truly desire? Is what I want what I really think it is? Do I really know what I am asking for, or is my fantasy greater than the reality I dream of?
So he finally proposed and you’ve set the date. You’ve picked out the perfect dress, selected your bridal party and planned the perfect day to profess your love to the one who professed his love to you when he asked for your hand in marriage. These have been the moments you have been waiting for; being proposed to and planning a wedding and you are now ready to be a wife!
Or are you?
I ask this question because there are a number of single women, and even women who are married, who only desired the union of marriage but they were not ready to take on the task of being a wife. Being married means to unite with the man who has been designed for you in holy matrimony. It also means to take one as an intimate life partner to fulfill your purpose in life together as one unit. Sounds simple enough, right? While marriage is indeed a sacred union, both a man and woman, husband and wife, have roles to play to keep the marriage together. There are a number of women who desire marriage for companionship, financial security, social status, because they want to have children, so on and so on, but how many women want to be a wife in their marriage and not simply a married woman in relationship status?
As a wife a woman has a number of tasks to maintain within the marriage, which I am sure many of us are aware of. However, in order to complete these tasks and to truly call herself a wife, a woman must first know and recognize what it means to be a wife and not simply a married woman. Some characteristics of a wife include possessing superior inner qualities, having dignity, being selfless, being a helping hand to your husband (for those who are single, being helpful to those around you), having moral worth, having a good reputation, having and using wisdom, having respect for your husband and the marriage, possessing skills/abilities and using them to maintain the household, knowing how to communicate (this includes listening and being heard), being one who practices humility, and the list goes on. These are the traits that a woman who is destined to be a wife is ready to possess.
Without these and other qualities, it will be difficult for a married woman to call herself a wife…in fact, it may be difficult for her husband to call her his wife as well. Further fact, it may be difficult for a man who is seeking his wife to find her if she does not possess these traits as a single woman first. I believe many women desire marriage, but really aren’t ready for what it entails. I say this because so many women and men go into marriage blindly and for the wrong reasons. Just watch some of the Bridezillas. Society has a painted a distorted picture of what being a wife is (getting a fancy wedding), and those images have been set in the minds and hearts of so many single and married women. Something needs to change.
Being married is a beautiful blessing for the parties involved directly and indirectly, and it serves a purpose in those lives. But I am curious to know how many women really want to be a wife and not simply a married woman? I challenge you to reflect on and reevaluate your reasons for desiring marriage and ask yourself if you are ready for the challenges and the triumphs of being a wife. Or is that you truly only desire to be a married woman for the status, because if the latter is true, you and your mate may be in for a rude awakening. What are some reasons you desire marriage? Are they self-centered? Do you want to be a married woman, or a wife?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
On her own since she was 15-years-old, Eva Fields was orphaned and supporting herself by her sixteenth birthday. “I was taking better care of myself than my elders were,” she admits. “But, I wasn’t making the right decisions.” By 17, she was pregnant with her second child and told she had tested positive for HIV. Thankfully, her son was born healthy, but she knew things were only going to get tougher from there. Instead of giving in to the fear and the pain, Eva chose to educate herself about HIV and AIDS. She focused on staying positive and helping others learn from her experiences and mistakes. Fields always believed she would never be able to have more children, but with medical supervision, she was able to conceive her third child, a healthy baby girl who was born HIV negative. Her story is powerful and a true inspiration to all women who have ever had to face an unthinkable diagnosis. In honor of National Women’s Health Week, we talked to Fields about protecting our bodies and our children and the importance of spreading awareness.
ESSENCE.com: You told your now-husband your status on your first real date. How courageous! Why did you decide to do it that way?
EVA FIELDS: It was scary, of course. Any time, as a woman, when you meet the one, you have those attractions and you don’t want to lose someone because of a societal stigma. Society as a whole puts a bad label on anyone who’s HIV positive. I just felt it was time to let him know and that if he cared about me enough he would either accept it or not. It was my responsibility as a woman and as an adult to let him know. We were on a lunch date and before he decided to take that first bite, I just told him. For me, it’s never been difficult to tell anyone my status. It’s difficult getting turned down and feeling rejected. That’s what makes it hard for anyone HIV positive wanting to date someone that’s HIV negative.
ESSENCE.com: What was his reaction?
FIELDS: He was like, “Okay.” Just like that. I asked him what he meant by “okay,” as I prepared to put my guard up, and then he said, “Okay. I’m educated. I have the real education, and I’m very educated on the subject.” I felt very blessed. In the past, I had come across people who were not educated and reacted terribly. I can’t blame them. Sometimes, as human beings, we fear the unknown.
Read more on Essence.com.
New dad T.J. Holmes is officially on diaper duty.
The former host of BET’s late-night talk show Don’t Sleep says he does his best to help his wife Marilee Fiebig with caring for their two-month-old daughter Sabine.
“I probably change more diapers than her because she breastfeeds and she has to do that,” Holmes told ESSENCE.com at the premiere of Free Angela. “So I do the thing that I can do and that’s change diapers.”
Awww, isn’t that sweet! Men don’t really like to help with diaper changes (it isn’t a woman’s favorite thing either) so it’s nice to see he’s become a pro at it. You can read the rest over on Essence.
What have been some of your most memorable moments as parents?
He took you out once. That was perfect. He told you you’re “so beautiful.” That was sweet. He kissed you. That gave you butterflies. He said, “I can see myself with you.” That made your heart skip a beat and your mind race to marriage. He listened when you were distressed over that horrible situation plaguing your life. That comforted you. He cuddled and watched television with you a few times. That felt so good. He’s funny. He seems genuine. He has potential. How cute.
And those are reasons to sleep with him? Those are reasons to cook for him and clean his apartment as if your name were on the lease? Those are reasons to shut out thoughts of any other possibilities for your love life? Those are reasons to compromise pieces of yourself that you sometimes worry that you shouldn’t have compromised?
Baby girl, you’re doing too much and he’s not doing enough. You know how I know? Because I’ve been that girl. You got so wrapped up in his primary packaging that you didn’t bother to look inside. You were sold. It looked good. At first. It felt good. At first. But “at first” is long gone and so is the spark and you’re not sure why he’s not doing all the things he was doing before. You’re wondering why you no longer seem to be a priority. You’re a little crushed but keeping Melanie Fiona on replay is bolstering your spirit just enough to keep truckin’ along. You still wonder though.
Take it from someone who has been a semi-consistent victim of her own overly active emotions: If he didn’t have to earn it, he won’t honor it. More than once I was so eager to be in love that I took off from my starting block before the gun even got in the air, let alone fired a shot. That kind of impatience – especially when dealing with love – WILL backfire and leave you losing. Every time.
And don’t misunderstand. This is not about playing games. It is however, about guarding your heart and your emotions until the he proves that not only are his intentions honorable but that he will consistently honor YOU. You will never get to that point of assurance if you’re filling girlfriend shoes without him ever having actively given you the title. Or picking out “His and Hers” bath towels and he hasn’t even thought about putting a ring on it.
Much of the hurt we face when dating is a result of our own impatience and need for affection when, as a mentor of mine once said, “Patience reveals all deception.” If he’s for real, you’ll be able to see consistency in his actions over time. If he’s just putting on a mask to get the good-good, then time will tell that as well. Whether young or old, patience has never been anything but a virtue. And in the case of love, wouldn’t you rather keep some mystery about yourself, guard your heart and make him work for your love than to give it away off the strength of a cheap date? To give a man who has not proven worthy access to you physically and/or mentally is like making small tears in your view of your own value. What are you worth? A few drinks at a swanky bar? A few compliments about your hair? What’s your price? Or are you invaluable?
Listen to: “Earn My Affection” by Amel Larrieux
I’ll answer for you. You’re invaluable. But that is a fact you have to know for yourself and refuse to accept any treatment that suggests less – even from yourself. Exercise some patience. Let him work for it. Don’t put yourself in compromising positions. If you know you might sleep with him prematurely, don’t go to his house. Insist on active dates. If you know you’re prone to getting too drawn in emotionally too soon, steel your mindset against getting too attached too soon and enlist the help of your girls for support.
Women hold more power than we give ourselves credit for. Men follow our lead. Let’s be absolutely convinced of our worth with our actions and interactions as evidence. Then, men will have no choice but to be convinced as well and either manifest cowardice by shrinking back, wanting something easy OR stepping up to the plate and earning our affections.
La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check her out on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.