justkhaotic.com

Here’s a pill that’s hard to swallow: the way things are in your love life is exactly the way you like them to be. Sure, you say you’re not happy being single. And maybe you’re not happy, but you’re comfortable. You’re not facing any of your fears or leaving your comfort zone—two things you would have to do to find a relationship. And, the typical human being tends to prefer what they know—even if they don’t necessarily like it—than the unknown, even if that may come with more pleasure. Here are 8 things and thoughts that may be limiting your chances at a soul connection.

From YourTango.com

By Sabrina Jennings

Biologically, we are all driven to find and bed a mate. From the occasional fling, to locking it down through the legal system, everyone shares that same desire of human connection. So with all of that need coursing through our veins, why are YOU sitting at home in your studio apartment streaming Netflix on your laptop, gaming on your Xbox, or mercilously weeping into ugly couch pillows over the sufferage of a non existent dating life? Why does everyone else seem to be so blissfully in love while you remain the pitied Single of your immediate circle of friends? Sure, you can blame that one Ex for scarring you so greatly making faith and trust in someone new an impossible feat, you can accuse the cosmos for sending every astrological opposite your way instead of the ‘perfect match’ Yahoo Shine religiously insists for you daily via email spam, or you can face the real reason that you haven’t been able to join the rest of the rose colored ranks; You.

In my last article, I did some mentioning of how we can be our own worst enemies by having certain expectations when it comes to our personal lives. If you want to get to a place where you can find and keep a happy, healthy relationship, then you need to get out of your own f***ing way. The roadblocks I’m speaking of are common knowledge, but these are five regular offenses being made anyway that are keeping you dateless and alone.

Check out the five mistakes on YourTango.com.

More on Madame Noire!

• Where Are They Now? 9 Blue-Eyed Soul Singers We Used To Jam To
• He Might Be a Creepin’ Fool, But He’s a Talented One: 5 Classic Songs Stevie J Is Behind…
• The Devil Is a Lie: 7 Types of Hypocritical “Church Folk” Who Know They Need to Quit
• How Ya Going? 9 of Our Favorite Celebs Of Trinidadian Descent (There’s Some Surprises!)
• An Open Letter to My Single Sistas: Being Single is Not a Curse, It’s A Gift
• UGH! 10 Things Men Do That Drive Women Nuts

Many outside influences put pressure on women to find a man and settle down. However, many women looking for a spouse find themselves alone and unhappy.  But why, you’re a great catch?  It may in fact be that the way we project ourselves on the outside, doesn’t match with our inward desire to be loved and accepted by a man.  As reported on Oprah, CNN, ABC News, and the Washington Post, 70% of Black women are single, and 42% are unmarried.  Of course some women desire to be single, and good for them, but for the rest of you, what could the problem be?  It’s most likely something you are completely unaware of.  Take a look at the top 7 reasons you might be alone and how you can adjust your life to make room for a great relationship.

Over the last couple of years or so, I have rediscovered, and basically began to appreciate the art of cooking. No, not the dance made possible by Lil’ B the Base God but the actual process by which we’re able to nourish our bodies. Why? Well because I love food and I love to eat, so I figured that I might as well learn to cook.

In my younger years, I never really knew how to cook. Sure, I knew how to heat up some Ramen Noodles and Hot Pockets but when it came to preparing meals, which required multiple seasonings and steps, I was lost in the sauce. In fact, I am ashamed to admit that I didn’t learn how to fry chicken properly until I was in my mid-twenties. I’ll never forget the day when my mother came over to my house and saved me from crying over four unfolded chicken wings swimming in a pan of lukewarm grease. “Why won’t they fry? *sob, sob* and why won’t the wing tip fold over the drummette?”  True story.

After several years of trying I can say that today I have a few culinary notches on my belt. I credit my newfound catering skills to my weekly ritual of using Sundays as my default cooking day. I spend as much time as I want in my kitchen for some serious experimentation. In fact, planning for a dish, or two, usually becomes an all day thing for me.  It starts in the morning with me scouring the internet, looking for the perfect and tasty recipe to try my hands at. Then it is time to head off the supermarket, usually more than one to seek out the fresh ingredients and herbs the recipe calls for. And then comes the main event, where I turn on the music, throw on the apron, light up the stove and get down to work, mixing, sautéing and pureeing various concoctions to make my meat, vegetables, starches and dessert more delectable. I even make more than one meal so that I have something special to eat for lunch and am not wasting money during the week.

While many women spend their downtime at work, looking at pictures of Christian Louboutins shoes or the newest LV bag on the Internet, I am on Amazon, drooling over stainless steel Faberware and adding Tajines to my wish list (seriously, if anyone was considering a Christmas or Kwanzaa gift, I would certainly appreciate a beautiful crafted Tajine). Through my newfound love of cooking, I have learned to respect the power of ginger and cumin; learned not to fear messing up expensive cuts of meat and have even learned how to make Brussels sprouts not only tolerable but also desirable.  And more importantly, I have learned that why it is easy and time-conscious to crank open a can, order from the Chinese takeout or microwave something, it is not always the healthiest, cheapest or even more self appreciating alternative.  Because nothing says self-love more than cooking for yourself.

However, outside of a few friends, I am somewhat shocked to discover that not that many women today really enjoy cooking. In fact, not that many women actually know how to cook.  Okay, I have a few girlfriends that are on Top Chef-status and can really – and I mean really – thrown down in the kitchen. However, I also know of quite a few girlfriends, who can’t even figure out how to turn on the stove properly let alone boil a pot of water. And who could blame them? Especially with the wealth of fast food, deli and frozen packaged food, upscale restaurants that now do deliveries, why go through the trouble of learning to cook at home?  Unless of course you are trying to snag a man and if that is the case, than you might be in trouble.

It may sound like I am just perpetuating the male dominated patriarchal culture but as many guys will tell you, and believe me I asked a bunch,there is nothing worse than dating a woman who doesn’t know her way around the kitchen. I don’t care how physically bad or astute you are in your sexual prowess, a woman who doesn’t know how to burn it up in the kitchen is a definite turnoff.  As my friend and fellow writer Ricardo Hazell said, “Charing, that country thickness would make me think she could cook in the first place. I would be sick if she had “cakes” and “cookies” and didn’t know how to bake real ones. NO! Cooking is a top 5 quality for wifey.” And that, ladies is a hard truth coming straight from the horse’s mouth.

Sure there are many men, who enjoy cooking just as much as some women. And sure if she was on Halle Berry or Beyonce status, a man might be willing to overlook it – at least for a short time period. However, for men, the idea that a woman without culinary skills sparks an instinctual impression that she might be selfish, not very independent and less than nurturing, which is a deal-breaker for any man looking for a relationship of the long-term value.  As the old saying goes, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” It may sound cliché but at the bases of any formula is a universal truth.

So yeah, if you are among the single ladies out there, scratching their heads and wondering why you are having trouble keeping a man longer than a few months, perhaps it is your inability to perform in the kitchen, which is scaring them away. Perhaps if you invested as much attention and time in a cooking class as you have shopping for new Louboutins, he might think you worthy of more than a good-time gal. If not for the potential him in your life than for yourself because if you can’t manage to take care of yourself the way you deserve, why should you expect anybody else?

Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.

More on Madame Noire!

• Making It: Stars Who Were Once Homeless
• Is His Appetite for Adult Films Killing Your Relationship?
• Ask The Luv Coach: “I’ve Got Drama With My Male Best Friend’s Girl”
• 10 Ways To Be A Better Friend
• 7 Silly Ways You Are Ruining Your Relationship
• Light Skinned Women: Let Go of the Guilt
• Should They Have Stayed? Flames Before The Fame and Fortune

It used to be that every woman could find her match. You found the man of your dreams, got married, and lived happily ever. Sounds simple! Yet, those fairytales are only found in the storybooks now since more and more black relationships have dwindled over the past 50 years. It’s one of the most talked about issues in the black community, and many theories swirl as to why it’s hard for women to find companionship. If we analyze the truth, a ratio of 100 black women for every 87 black men doesn’t sound remotely scarce. But out of those 87, if there are a shortage of marriageable black men versus those who are cheaters, on the down low or incarcerated, then it makes perfect sense! But is that the sole reason we can’t find true love? There could be other alternatives. Maybe these reasons (below) stem from why you’re still single? You tell us!

Read the rest of this entry »