All Articles Tagged "why men cheat"
During my visit for Thanksgiving, my mom dropped no less than four hints that she was ready for me to start having kids. I mostly ignored her because my husband and I haven’t even hit our first anniversary and therefore kids won’t be sliding out of my uterus any time soon. Still, our conversation got me thinking about the fact that I’m not financially ready for children because, when I do start having kids, I hope to be able to hire a nanny.
My husband and I don’t live near any family and I don’t plan to be a stay-at-home mom, so when we start having kids, we’re definitely going to need at least part-time help. I’ve heard too many daycare horror stories to consider sending my child to one, so in-home help seems to be the way to go.
One of my closest friends is a nanny and she seems like a total godsend for the family she cares for. When she told me what she does, I thought “Wow, I’m definitely going to need to hire someone like you!” Thinking about it some more, I decided I wouldn’t hire someone exactly like her because, in my opinion, she is way too pretty to be a nanny and I would never even consider hiring attractive help.
It’s not that I don’t trust my husband because I definitely do. He would never even consider cheating on me. However, just because I trust him doesn’t mean I’d give him a wallet full of dollar bills and tell him to have fun at the strip club. And I certainly wouldn’t hire some hot, young girl to traipse around him taking care of our kids. I trust him, but I certainly don’t trust other random women not to try something. What if the family environment a nanny witnesses around her causes her to imagine that this is something she wants for herself, leading to all sorts of silly but real attempts at getting it for herself? It happens! Both Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams married their nannies.
Of course, a live-out (as opposed to a live-in) nanny means that she likely would never interact with my husband because by the time he comes home, she’s long gone. Still, I wouldn’t take any chances that the nanny isn’t all she seems.
Is this some sort of young, pretty girl discrimination? Probably. But there’s just something so weird about the thought of my husband witnessing some beautiful woman on a regular basis who essentially does all of the positive things I would do as a mother if I didn’t have other obligations and who doesn’t give my husband any of the headache.
AskMen.com confirms this suspicion when talking about why men love nannies:
Besides their young bodies, kept fit from chasing munchkins, men think babysitters and nannies are hot for another reason: They have kids that aren’t their own. We like the playful nature and nurturing that babies bring out in women, but hate the weight of eternal responsibility. A nanny is like a villa in accountability. You can just vacation there, play house and go home to your apartment with the rotating cast of one-nighters. Nannies already know their homes and provide a Hot young comfort their busy wives forget.
See? No way!
There doesn’t even have to be a problem in the marriage for a man to be tempted either. Dr. Tammy Nelson told YourTango.com:
Studies have shown that cheating may not be a symptom of a bad marriage. Most people cheat because of opportunity (leading marriage researcher John Gottman says this accounts for 80 percent of affairs).
And what easier opportunity than a woman who is already in the house every day? Better to eliminate that temptation by hiring a nanny that looks like his mother. In that case, it’s just another grandmother-type helping out around the house and I can deal with that. This isn’t to say young, pretty girls aren’t great nannies who would never look twice at another woman’s husband – my friend certainly wouldn’t – but I’d be very hesitant to choose a younger nanny over an older one.
Don’t get me wrong. I realize that if a man is going to cheat, he’s going to cheat even if he’s married to Kennedy royalty and the help looks like Mildred “Patty” Baena. Unfortunately (and oddly), men cheat on their wives for less attractive women every day, but these men are probably known womanizers who have somehow convinced their wives that they’re reformed. In that case, it’s probably best to hire a Manny.
But for those of us married to regular guys who aren’t looking to get their rocks off with any woman with legs, an older woman (who is experienced, good with kids, willing to raise them your way, available and credentialed of course) seems to be the way to go.
What do you think? Would you hire – or not hire – a nanny based on her looks?
Cheating is one of the most guilt-ridden actions a person can partake in, and being cheated on is one of the most painful experiences a person can have. So, why does it happen? Why would someone want to hurt someone like that? When you look at the underlying emotional issues behind cheating, nobody ever meant to hurt somebody else—they were just finding an unhealthy way to avoid their own pain. Here’s what I mean.
I just want to know why a man would continue to cheat after begging a woman to take him back? And does he think that because she took him back that she’ll put up with it? My coworker was telling us about an argument he had with the mother of his baby in which he ended by telling her that he’s not changing. I could see where her anger was coming from to a degree, I mean he did cheat on her so she was expecting him to be grateful that she took him back, but women’s intuition also tells me that she expected him to miraculously turn into a new person. Just some background for you, he admits to having side pieces throughout their entire relationship (including her pregnancy) and they broke up a few months after the baby was born because she found some evidence of his indiscretions. They got back together a few months ago but he still says that he’s cheating and will continue to do so as long as he wants. From the way he describes their current relationship, it seems as though he has gotten even more comfortable and offers no apologies for his behaviors in and out of the house. Of course, I realize that I have only really gotten half of these stories and he could just be exaggerating, but I doubt it. Why does a cheater even want to be in a relationship if he’s decided that he’s not going to be faithful? And does it signal to him that he can continue to cheat if a woman takes him back?
I’ll start off by quoting some statistics for context. I read a story earlier this year that estimated between 15 percent of women and 20 percent of men are unfaithful. Women are less likely to get caught. Ninety-five percent of women and 83 percent of men reported they “successfully” cheated without their spouses ever finding out. These are married people so who knows how desolate the landscape of relationships and pseudo-relationships looks. I only point this out to note that there are a number of unfaithful people among us and many of them will never get caught (or so they believe). Specific to your friend’s situation, you seem have two main questions:
Read the breakdown as to why men cheat at SBM (Single Black Male).
Something I’ve been thinking about since Monday night’s episode of “Love & Hip-Hop” is a statement Dr. Jeff Gardere made while Mimi and Stevie J were in therapy. The practicing PhD-holding psychologist (I know some of you weren’t so sure after he made that “so you’ve been hittin’ it all along” comment), told Mimi plainly that a man only cheats because a woman lets him. Initially I snapped back from the TV, with my “what you talkin’ bout Willis” face thinking way to go putting the onus of a relationship fail completely on women. But after close examination of his statement, I think I have to agree.
The truth of Dr. Gardere’s statement is all in the tense. I imagine, like me, most of the tweeters who twit-chatted with us during the show and took issue with his statement didn’t look at the implication of the word cheats. Cheats infers that it’s a current, ongoing, habitual, and repetitive behavior that one continuously allows. When you look at it that way it makes perfect sense why he said this to Mimi doesn’t it?
Had Dr. Gardere said a man will only cheat if you let him, then we would have been having an entirely different discussion. At one point, and unfortunately some people still think this way, blaming women for why a man stayed or strayed was the popular thing to do. Books, magazine articles, and even lecture series were advising women on how to stop their man from cheating and applauding those who did all the “right” things on a regular basis to keep their man satisfied at home—and faithful. Ironically, I have to thank men for finally speaking up and saying that most times their cheating has nothing to do with what they are or are not getting at home and that essentially all the ingredients needed for cheating are space, time, and opportunity. Thanks to that admission, the tired woman-blaming school of thought eventually subsided; and though many probably felt like Dr. Gardere revived it during his couple’s therapy session we witnessed the other night, he really didn’t.
A man only cheats if you let him because you tolerated the behavior. Of course there are those instances we’ve all heard of where a man has kept up an affair up for years and the wife never knew. I don’t doubt that these spouses didn’t know for sure that their husband was cheating but I would be surprised to find that he didn’t drop the ball in some other way that left the wife unhappy during his affair and yet she still stayed. Men aren’t exactly known for their ability to multi-task and it would be awfully difficult to be a devoted husband and father to your family while still carrying on extramarital relationships—even if they were only sexual in nature. At some point the wife would complain that he travels too much, or stays out too late without calling, or can’t explain his whereabouts, or is antsy, or argumentative, or distracted. At some point, all of her needs as his wife would not have been met and if she stayed through that for a significant period of time without demanding more, then in some ways she allowed the residuals of cheating, which she may not have even known was going on, to happen to her. Does that mean it’s our fault when our husbands/boyfriends are unfaithful? Absolutely not. Does it mean we should be more vocal about our own needs, wants, and expectations in relationships when they aren’t being satisfied? Absolutely.
There is only one person’s actions we are all responsible for on this earth and that is our own. You can’t make anyone do anything just like you can’t make someone not do something. No amount of love, care, attention, affection, or support can prevent a man from straying if he finds himself in the wrong place at the right time and so there is no way to make yourself completely foolproof to infidelity, other than choosing a man who you believe has integrity and values your relationship and will honor his commitment to you—and even temptation sometimes gets the best of those men. What you absolutely can do, though, is stop a man from cheating on you over and over again. That isn’t to say that once a man is unfaithful you have to end the relationship—although that is one surefire way to make sure that particular man doesn’t creep again—what that means is it’s up to you to establish your expectations for your partner’s role in your relationship and hold him accountable to it.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you accept his transgression, but turning a blind eye to it (and your suspicions) and not demanding better from him does, and therefore your partner will continue to do him at your expense because there are no consequences to his actions. At the end of the day you have to look out for self and be real about what’s acceptable to you, not run yourself ragged trying to explain why someone else has commitment issues or try to fix them by being superwife/girlfriend. We’ve all been blindsided and hit with things we never thought we’d encounter in a million years, including being cheated on, and lived to tell about it. Things happen that are sometimes out of our control, but if you don’t see and stop that very same thing when it starts to come around a second time, it’s because you didn’t want to or don’t value yourself enough to nip it in the bud.
What do you think about Jeff Gardere’s statement on why a man cheats? Do you agree or disagree?
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The emotional and psychological challenges experienced by many men attempting fidelity are underrated in mainstream romance. Instead, the problem is exacerbated by highlighting the inevitable outcome of that challenge: cheating. Cheating has been analyzed through a never ending stream of expert opinions and “why men cheat” books and articles. Overwhelmingly, the barrage of cheat-lit takes the much needed stance of helping women either demonize or empathize in addition to ensuring women that there’s something that can be done to prevent a man from cheating. Not this article. This is not your typical, girly, “why men cheat” list intent on giving you false hope. My take on the subject fully acknowledges that at least 50% of of men being coerced to sleep with one woman, and one woman only, are simply not going to. These next few reasons for male infidelity will make you squirm in your seat, get your eyes rolling, head shaking, and flaming the comments. No fluff. Just cold, hard, inconvenient truths about a man you used to, or will soon love — and why there’s roughly a 1 in 2 chance he cheats.