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You know you have a “type.” It may not be obvious. Your last three girlfriends might have been a tattooed biker, a pageant contestant and a hardcore feminist, but their similarities probably ran deeper than skin deep. If you analyzed your last handful of relationships, you would probably find that the dynamics between you and your partners were uncannily similar. You’re looking for something–some sort of personal fulfillment–from the women you have in your life (whether they’re there for a hot second or years). But just what is that mysterious fulfillment? Like any good psychologist would ask: what do you really want?

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When asked what your “type” is, you probably start listing off physical characteristics: surfer type, preppy, muscular, hipster, put together etc. And, typically, your inquisitor will then say, “But that doesn’t tell me anything about what kind of personality you like!” Okay, so points to them for noticing you’re a bit superficial in your answer. However, if they looked beneath the surface, they’d find that you are telling them what sort of personality you like, all by telling them the type of appearance you like. Think about it: you dress, do your hair, stick to a certain diet and wear your makeup a certain way to tell the world who you are. You try every day to send a message to the world whether that’s, “I am confident” or “I feel like crap today” or “I am strong.” Your appearance is more honest and more telling than you may realize. Same goes for men and when you see a certain type of body or a certain style, you’re seeing a personality, or at least an essence of it.

Everybody has patterns. If you think you don’t have one, then your pattern might just be constantly fighting not to do the same thing you did in all of your previous relationships, which is a pattern in itself. Falling into these patterns might be slowing you down in your search for Mr. Right:

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Misunderstanding comfort
Have you ever met someone you feel oddly comfortable with right off the bat? You somehow have them figured out already—you know what makes them laugh, what not to say around them, and there is instant chemistry. And you can’t quite put your finger on why. Often it’s because he has certain traits (the bad traits) your ex had, and nearly every ex before that, and you aren’t picking up on them yet. All you’re picking up on is the chemistry, because that chemistry is strong. But don’t let it be overpowering. If you feel an instant click with someone, ask yourself, “Is he similar to my ex?”