Ok, I REALLY need help.

Rundown:
–BF and I have been dating for 7 years
–He proposed a year ago but never gave me a ring, so I’ve been waiting
–His car recently got repo’d for not paying tickets, so he had to pay $5k to get it all out. (Money was borrowed from aunt.)
–In April, I told him that he had until the end of the year to give me my ring and officially propose or I would leave. The other day, he told me he would miss that deadline since he paid so much to get his car out.

What should I do???  Help please!

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“If you don’t marry me, I’m leaving!”

“I’m either going to be your wife to be, or your soon to be ex.”

“If we’re not engaged by the end of the year, I’m moving on with my life.”

“I’m pregnant!”

How many of us have heard one of our close girlfriends or family members say one of the lines above?  Or better yet, how many of us have repeated one of the lines above? Ultimatums are often defined as an uncompromising set of terms or demands given by someone, which can lead to the beginning of a new segment in a relationship, or the severing of one. Ultimatums are generally given by women to men, who have been in a monogamous dating relationship for quite a while, women who are cohabitating without the commitment of marriage, or women who are or have been involved in long-term engagements, and the general purpose of them in regard to relationships are to achieve the goal of marriage. However, my question to women who have given ultimatums and to women who may be contemplating the thought of issuing an ultimatum is, why?

Why would you give a man who says he loves you and wants to be with you an ultimatum? Or better yet, why would you not give yourself an ultimatum instead of your mate? One part of the definition of the word ultimatum people often overlook or ignore is the part where it says that an ultimatum is an uncompromising set of terms or demands. This part of the definition is vital because it lets people know that they should set standards and not compromise them. The mistake that is often made though is that both women and men do not set and establish individual and relationship standards at the beginning of a new relationship. And if they do, they do not maintain them and often become complacent. If people would learn to take the time to establish standards and keep them then maybe there would not be a need to issue ultimatums.

Ladies, issuing an ultimatum may bring you closer to achieving the goals you have set for your ideal relationship, but the goals you have set may not be the goals your mate has, or have in mind. And if you are planning to have a productive relationship then you must be on one accord with your mate. Also, if you do give your mate an ultimatum and you get the results/commitment you desire, is that commitment sincere? The ultimate goal of an ultimatum is to start something new in a relationship, and while it may begin something new, it may also bring forth the forcing of something that should not be. So ladies, if you are contemplating giving your man an ultimatum, ask yourself these questions before you do; 1. Why am I giving him an ultimatum? 2. Will giving him an ultimatum make him commit to me any faster? 3. Will the commitment be from his heart?  4. Am I prepared for results that are the opposite of what I wanted? 5. How much longer do I plan on staying in a relationship that lacks a sincere commitment? 6. Are we equally yoked, and have the same mindset when it comes to commitment?

Answer these questions open and honestly before you decide to give an ultimatum because you don’t want to make a mistake, and the mistake could be you pushing your man away, or you staying and missing the blessing that is your true soul mate…not to mention, blocking his too. I know some of you may be saying that ultimatums work, and that men need a little push from time to time, and this may very well be true. But it is my belief that if a man wants to be with you, and if he is indeed the man for you he will say and show so without any push from you, but a push from his heart. Ladies, it is said that you should not be anxious for anything, and if you believe this then there is no need to think about giving an ultimatum. However, if you do decide to give an ultimatum, give it to yourself. Ask yourself how much longer you will stand for something, set that standard, and do what you need to when you feel the time is right. But don’t pressure anyone else to give you what you want.

Do you think giving an ultimatum is a mistake?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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When a man gets into a relationship with a woman, he knows there’s certain concessions that he will have to make. He knows that compromise is essential, but there is going to be times where his woman will just talk about subjects that anger him. When a woman’s fed up, she uses one of the most powerful communications tools she has: the ultimatum. She will make a certain demand and require a specific action to be taken by her boyfriend, otherwise penalties will be incurred. As effective as this might be for woman, men HATE it! Let me articulate a few reasons why men hate ultimatums.

Men Don’t Like to be Directly Challenged

A man’s pride can be his greatest gift and his most hindering quality. We will let our pride guide our decisions for better or worse. The more strong willed the man, the more firm he is in his convictions. This actually shows a great contradiction with men in relationships. Most men like to be challenged by a woman. We don’t want a pushover or someone who will agree with anything we say. We like women who can think for themselves, have the same type of conviction in opinion, and can inspire a man to be better. However, when a woman presents an ultimatum to a man, you put the spotlight on his decisions. You directly try to force him to accept your way “or else”. Men don’t want to hear that! All men hear when they receive an ultimatum is that their opinion doesn’t matter, that she is the boss, and that you better shape up or bounce! Now, that may not be entirely accurate, but a man’s pride will serve as his personal hype man and urge him not to fold under pressure and to retaliate with ultimatums of their own, or a complete disregard for the words a woman speaks.

You are NOT the Father Mother!

Men don’t want to date their mothers. We remember when we were young boys and didn’t have a say in anything we did. Our mothers would lay out the ground rules and demand obedience. Eventually, when we come of age to somewhat challenge these rules, no matter the outcome (which was usually an A$$ whoopin), we would feel liberated. We knew that we earned a certain level of respect for standing up for ourselves and showing character, and the work we put in now would eventually translate into more trust, respect, and camaraderie with our parents. As adults, we don’t want to go through that fight again, especially with our significant others. So when you pose ultimatums to men, you invoke feelings of a parent who devalues a child’s opinion because they don’t know any better. They don’t want to feel “lesser than” and men will immediately hop into defense mode and battle you at every point. In other words, you talk to a man like he is a kid and he will react negatively.

From HelloBeautiful.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Eight months ago I began dating the boy, because he is far from a man, that I absolutely loved in high school. His friends were my friends and they decided to hook us up. We never went on an official date, never had the honeymoon phase of the “relationship,” and I never understood that those were stages that most people had when beginning a relationship because I’d never had a “real” one without cheating.

Time rolls by, he would call every Saturday, and I liked that. We both worked throughout the week, so I didn’t mind him not calling or text throughout. When we hit the “relationship” stage I had to ask if we were a couple. When Friday night came around I would have to ask did he want to do anything with me.

Now, let me describe him for you. He was thirty years old. He lived at home with his mama. I could understand that because I live at home too because of student loans. But, he lived at home because his ex put him out. I didn’t know the story at the time and continued to TRY to see the good in him when I found out.

He did not have a car!!! I thought it was because of his wreck he had, which turned out to be a DUI and he had a suspended license. I still stayed.

He was a horrible boyfriend! We never went out period, unless drinking was involved. I would text him, no reply. Then I would stop texting he would say, “What’s wrong with you, haven’t heard from you in a while.” I got to the point where I started cheating, I didn’t sleep with any of them, and doing things alone or with other people, then he would call and text a billion times “What you doing?” I would tell him the truth, because I would ask him first to do the things with me.

I stopped cheating on him and about the fourth month we began to have sex. Can you say, WTH!!!! I thought it was my fault that the sex was bad, but um…no! I still stayed because when we did see each other, (sometimes once a week even a month and we stayed five minutes away from each other) we would be great. He started off saying he loved me and I was a deer in head lights. I would say it back but not mean it in that type of way. My family was going through deaths and sickness, and you would think you could call and rely on your man. Child please!!!. He would be fishing and playing basketball with his friends.

To sum all this nonsense up: He was broke. Never spent time with me unless we were drinking, always with his friends, and when I say always I mean 6 days out the week, you knew it rained the seventh day because he would be at home. He drunk too much, lied about what days he worked and didn’t work.

I finally woke up the eighth month and give him a list of choices, and when I say list I mean typed and copied and handed it to him. Choice one: Break up. Choice two: Get serious about us. Choice three: Stay the way we are and I will cheat and you don’t get that privilege because you are happy being unhappy. He decided to stop speaking to me. Meaning he cussed and fussed to his friends and completely avoided me. My friend said I had the right to do it but I need to sit down and talk with him to see if we could work it out. I think she’s dumb because she’s taking care of a sorry nergo and always crying.

My question to you, am I wrong for caring about myself and giving him ultimatums or was I wrong and seemed selfish and not caring about the “relationship” and his nonexistent feelings. -Ms. I Come First

Check out what Terrence Dean, a.k.a., the gay best friend has to say about her decision at HelloBeautiful.com.

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women.com

It’s no surprise that in 2012, women are going after what they want. Black women in particular are known for being assertive, and when it comes to education, a career, a family, even a man, we’re making it happen. But going after what you want when it comes to love could backfire on you, even be a bit creepy. Men are taught to be the chasers, while women are taught that if a man is truly interested, he’ll pursue you. So is asserting yourself in your love life a good thing? While confidence is definitely hot, there are some behaviors that some men consider a turn off.

Here are 6 things women do that can send a man in the opposition direction….

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