All Articles Tagged "trust issues"
No one goes into a relationship with the thought that they will fall out of love. But, in some relationships, love just doesn’t last a lifetime. While you may still care about the person you’re in a relationship with or were in a relationship with, looking at things now, you realize that the love you once had is gone. If you don’t understand why, here are a few likely reasons.
The so-called ‘bitter black woman’ that has been used and abused in her past but somehow brings the issues into her new relationships, has a brother; and he’s known as the ‘bitter black man’. And the woman who men consider full of baggage because of kids, bad relationships, or credit debt is also not alone. You see, men can also be bitter; and although many would hate to admit it, they too can come with baggage.
I’ve been both fortunate and unfortunate to meet a man who came equipped with more emotional baggage than my girlfriends and I combined. What’s so fortunate about it? Well, it finally allowed me to diagnose the disease that plague many men. The symptoms usually include closing people off, infidelity, miscommunication, and other actions caused by trust issues. Most men have also been hurt, just like women, and often times they don’t deal with those issues before getting into a new situation. A previous relationship with a guy named *Justin, taught me this.
Justin appeared to have it all together on the outside. He was a few years older than me, so immediately I thought he would be more serious than many of the knuckleheads I had recently met. He was successful and ambitious, with a career that backed it up. He didn’t possess all of the physical traits that I liked, but was still easy on the eyes.
Justin was caring, supportive, and considerate. Plus, he listened to me when I went on my long rants about work. He was easy to talk to….until he felt us getting closer. He began accusing me, without accusing me. He would make jokes about me not answering the phone because I was with my ‘other guy’; then his mistrust would cause him to become distant. He became inconsistent and often moody.
You may be thinking, he doesn’t sound emotional, just typical; but I later found out that he had issues getting close to women because his former fiancée had left him a few weeks before their wedding. He didn’t trust easily and when he did, he would become doubtful of the person and push them away. He didn’t feel ‘good enough’ because someone had left him; and most of all he was afraid of being hurt again. He wanted a woman, but considered all women liars and cheaters. Sound familiar?
Justin was a typical ‘bitter black man’, and his attitude was affecting our relationship. While he didn’t come with a lot of physical baggage (he had good credit, single, and no kids), he had enough emotional issues to make up for it. Justin was an eternal pessimist when it came to love. In his eyes, love was meant to hurt; and usually he tried to hurt others before they hurt him. Luckily I realized his faulty logic and dipped before I became another him.
People often talk about double standards between genders. By considering women the only ones with baggage, this is a double standard at it’s best. We might handle our baggage differently, but it all comes out in different ways. Some men have more issues than women when it comes to relationships, and usually they don’t talk about them or even identify them. If they’re not acknowledged, how can they be fixed? Usually they can’t, and they’re then transferred into another relationship.
Justin came into my life lugging enough emotional baggage to take our relationship on a trip straight to break-up land. Just like women with baggage, he had a lot of good traits, but they were overshadowed by emotional issues.
Both men and women go through situations that can make them better or worse. Some learn to deal with them, others never do. Dating a man with baggage isn’t necessarily a no-no, just like dating a woman with a lot of baggage shouldn’t be. The only time it becomes dangerous is when they don’t realize they have baggage. In my case, Justin didn’t and the death of our relationship was the result.
Some time ago I found myself in a conversation with a group of women about men and their obsession with strip clubs. Up until a few years ago, strip clubs were a dirty, stinky, and smoky place where men congregated to stare at women in the nude while tipping single dollar bills each song. Then something strange happened, it went from being about a secret hideaway for men to exercise their right to lurk, to being about “tip drilling” and “making it rain.” That’s right, the strip club became a place to not only have fun, but to have out in the open fun almost as if you were in a nightclub. It wasn’t short after this that women decided it was time for them to get involved in the fun too. If you go to any popular strip club in a major city these days, you’re likely to see not only men partaking but women too.
But what about the women who still aren’t comfortable going to the strip club, or aren’t warmed up to the idea of their boyfriend frequenting the place either? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if it’s a big deal or it’s a sign of a woman being a little overbearing. Inevitably it comes down to a few things: how much you trust your man and what lets you sleep at night.
In defense of women everywhere, let me start off by saying a few things to the guys. If you are the type of man who goes to the strip club to cop a feel and get your rocks off to the dancers, your girlfriend has every right to not want you to go. She may not exercise that right, but she has a right to. So here’s my thought for you ladies, you shouldn’t be dating a guy who tries to get his rocks off to someone other than you. That’s just nonsensical.
However, there are a bunch of men who go to the strip club just for the show. They don’t really take anything away from it, but just that — a show. They’re not gawking over the women, they’re not lusting after them like pieces of meat, and they aren’t spending any of the rent money on toe touching. Personally, I’m a bit of a strip club connoisseur – I tend to often go to strip clubs in my area. I have been in and out of relationships during my time at strip clubs, but I always make it clear to the women I’m dating what happens when I go to strip clubs. I don’t touch the women, I don’t do private dances, and if she ever wants to come along with me, I have no qualms or problems with that. This typically eases the worries that women have with me being in the strip club. But I won’t lie, sometimes it doesn’t.
For the women who have a problem with me frequenting strip clubs no matter how hard I try to explain my dealings there, I just have to accept it. I don’t think it’s a big deal for a man to go to a strip club, but as I said earlier, if she can’t sleep at night or get it out her mind, then it is a big deal for her. As a man, I have to make a decision whether my love for strip clubs is worth risking my relationship. On the flip side, if a woman already has trust issues with a guy and that’s the basis for why she doesn’t want him in the strip club, she should just break up with him.
Any woman worried that her man may do something inappropriate in a strip club is clearly in the wrong relationship. The most blunt answer that I can give to anyone who asks, “is the strip club that big of a deal,” is, if it is, there are bigger problems at hand. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of strip clubs, but everyone is also entitled to free will. If you’re worried your significant other may cheat or lust after another in the strip club, then I don’t know why you’re not worried each and every moment that they are walking this earth. In my opinion, it’s a lot easier to cheat when you’re not in the strip club than when you are. That’s probably the most quintessential conundrum that every relationship must address — exactly why you’re worried about the strip club. If it’s a trust issue, then address that in your relationship. If it’s just not your cup of tea, then address that with your significant other and move on.
Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated. Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.
Okay ladies, we know that no one is perfect and we all have our character flaws, but one of the biggest and most common flaws that many females suffer from is being jealous. Jealousy stems from all sorts of things, but the fact is that going through life with a jealous outlook just won’t do, especially when it comes to relationships. Remember, you want a man who respects a confident woman, so you’ll want to fit the bill. Here are 7 signs that you are a jealous girlfriend and 7 ways to grow out of it, quickly!
Whenever we talk about someone having trust issues, we always try to get to the so-called root of them. Meaning it’s usually not our current partner’s actions that are making us insecure, but likely something that happened to us a long time ago, either in a previous relationship or even as a result of observing dysfunctional interactions between our parents and other couples. One thing people rarely think about, though, is how they cause their own trust issues. Sometimes it’s not just what someone did to them, but what they have done to other people.
Last night I was catching up with an old guy friend of mine who I hadn’t had a heart-to-heart, what have you been up to the last few years convo with in a long, long time. He was giving me the rundown of a pretty trifling young lady he’d been involved with as he confessed to be in the “healing” phase of recuperation after that relationship. But later when he mentioned excitement over becoming a father one day, I asked him if he was interested in getting married and in a far less enthusiastic tone he said he wasn’t too sure about that. Loosely reiterated, he said something along the lines of having dealt with too many married women and not being so sure about a potential future wife’s ability to be faithful.
A couple of things went through my mind: one, he clearly waited too long to check in; and two, this is one of several prime examples of why you don’t get involved in messy situations like this. When it comes to infidelity, we tend to only think the person cheating and their unsuspecting partner are the only ones who get damaged. But the sidepiece doesn’t exactly come away unscathed either. Sure, their feelings may not be completely invested – although there are plenty of mistresses who walk away bruised because they thought their lover was going to leave their committed partner for them – but at the very least, interrupting someone else’s relationship tends to leave you jaded and in anticipation of the worst happening to you somewhere down the line as well. This is why people often say when your partner keeps hounding you and questioning whether you’re cheating, it’s likely because they’re cheating themselves. It’s paranoia run amok.
My friend reminded me a lot of an ex last night as I thought about my old boyfriend running that same line down to me. I don’t recall him ever telling me he’d been cheated on by a girlfriend, but when it came to me having male friends and spending any significant amount of time with them in-person or on the phone all of a sudden his antennaes were on ten. Why? Because like a fool he’d chosen to get involved with a married woman in the past and now had a tainted view that all women were just looking for time, space, and an opportunity to be unfaithful. I personally wasn’t interested in paying for his mistakes and had to not so politely remind him that he wouldn’t be so suspicious of other people doing dirt if he hadn’t done too much of his own.
Trust issues are a very serious and legitimate barrier to healthy relationships. Unfortunately, some of us can’t help the things we were exposed to at a young age or the poor character judgments we’ve made that allowed someone else to trample on our heart. But when your skepticism and apprehension is a result of your own wrongdoing, it’s time for a little self-examination into why you did the things you did so you can understand not everyone has those same issues and is going to be the messy individual you once were. And if you’ve yet to cause someone else heartbreak in this way or rack up a pattern of disloyal behavior, let this be another reminder not to. Sometimes it’s not enough of a motivator not to hurt someone else with your actions but when you remember that you also hurt yourself and your chances of allowing genuine love into your life down the line by doing others wrong, it ought to be enough to keep you on the straight and narrow.
Have you ever been the cause of your own trust issues in a relationship?
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In life you’ll learn that there are multiple extremes that are typically separated by a single “line.” Though you try to be on the normal side of that behavioral line, there’s always a slippery slope into madness if you’re not careful.
Facebook is a weird online universe and its constant changes can turn its users into an inadvertent stalkers. The moment you log in you’re bombarded with the immediate details of people’s lives. Their new pictures pop up, their status updates alert you into what they’re feeling or accomplishing at that moment and you’re made privy to people’s birthdays who you haven’t talked to in years. It’s easy to get lost in the minutia of your peers’ lives when it’s thrown at you and it seems all too interesting. I understand, I’ve fallen in the trap too.
But where the “normal” slope gets slippery when you start dating someone new. It’s understandable that when you get into a new relationship you’re interested in knowing as much as possible about the person you’re dealing with. So if the person has a Facebook page, Twitter, or whatever Instagram is, you might spend a few minutes/hours “researching,” trying to find out as much information to fill in the holes of what makes that person tick. While you’re, “researching,” the name of their ex might casually pop into your mind and you want to know “what does he/she look like” and “how do I measure up?” Just know that you’re not alone in wanting information on who else is in your partner’s past, but don’t let it consume you.
I mentioned before that I got married sort of young. My soon to be ex husband and I met at a job together. We worked at an after school program.
When I first started working, there was a girl who worked at a different program who was just incredibly rude to me. We were around the same age. Being the gregarious person that I am, I was thrown off by her attitude; but knowing that you can’t make everyone like you, I just shrugged it off. It wasn’t until a month later that I found out that before I started the job they were “talking.” He told me that nothing happened, they weren’t compatible and he stopped talking to her about a week before I started.
I’m a person that can ignore stupidity very well, but things started going overboard when I would leave the room and come back and she would be up close to him and I once overheard her telling him that she “needed some man-meat” in her life. Really? Then to top it off, she would not only still text my guy, but she would text him about all of my flaws: “Your friend’s thighs are getting fat.”
Confused on what was going on with her internally, I looked her up on Facebook. Seeing her page didn’t resolve any of my feelings or answer any of the questions of what was wrong with her. So I called a friend and told her to go to the page as well. We dissected status updates, decisions on profile pictures and everything else until I started thinking, What’s wrong with me? Why should I care?
In all honesty, I was looking at her page to try to find something to make me feel a little bit better about myself. She spent a good portion of her time cutting me down at our job, and I wanted to find some info that I can internally hold in my head to remind myself that she’s just a sad, silly person.
Something both men and women have in common when it comes to love is that, they don’t want to know the truth. We’re willing to turn our brains off before we’re finished thinking something through because we don’t want to come to an unpleasant conclusion. It’s a major shame because face it: the events of life usually force you to come to those conclusions anyways. If you would have forced yourself to face them on your own, you could avoid a lot of struggle.
As humans, we always forget the big picture: life is short. We forget that we don’t have all the time in the world to enjoy ourselves, just as soon as we’re done fixating over this stupid, insignificant thing. But, we should strive to pause as often as we can and ask ourselves, “Is it worth it?” Is getting upset, saying something mean, debating or nit-picking about this particular thing worth it? We’d avoid so much headache (and even breakups!) if we did.
When I first met my husband, he was actually dating someone else. A woman who worked in the same building as us. They only dated for about a week or two. I started a month after he did, so by the time I got to the job, he was ending his relationship with her. (No homewreckers here, babe.) But when we started dating, the girl who he used to date began to pursue him with a thirst that I’ve never seen in any woman before. One night, our work schedules called for us to be in the same room with his ex.
Saying I was uncomfortable was an understatement, especially when she kept on texting him right in front of me, or if I were to leave the room and come back she always made sure to make her way on over to him, and then give me a smug smile while walking away. While I was in the bathroom, one of my coworkers came in, said that she noticed that I wasn’t my happy, bubbly self, and wanted to know what was bothering me. The coworker was new and wasn’t familiar with my “Dawson’s Creek” type drama, so I filled her in. Feeling good that I was able to vent and feeling like I’d made a new friend, I wasn’t caught off guard when she started asking for more information about my relationship.
To not create tension in the workplace, my boyfriend at the time and I would spend as little time as possible with each other at the job. So I understood why my “friend” would ask questions, because we weren’t around each other, but still claiming each other. I felt like my “friend” knew the truth.
So, pick me up off the floor once I noticed her flirting with him. Inviting him to go clubbing with her and then showing off her dancing moves while–I guess she was trying to be seductive–walking up to him. All this right in front of me. I began to have a few more head tilt moments when he revealed to me that the coworker propositioned him for sex (or at least oral pleasure) multiple times. It became apparent that the girl thought that I was in denial about my relationship with my future husband; and if he would leave one girl at the job, then surely he’d leave another. Also, all of the information she pried out of me about the nice things he did, she wanted the same things as well. Oh, okay.
When I began my retrospection, I thought back to moments when I felt betrayed and realized that it was because I was too trusting. Now, I could dig into my past and explain to you why I have a tendency to be too trusting (if you really want to know, just read more here, all answers will be revealed) but instead, I’m going to give you tips on not to be so trusting. However, I’m not trying to make you paranoid and think that everyone’s out to get you, but before you let the person sitting next to you on the bus know you’re entire life story, remember these tips:
Thirst is suspicious
In most normal relationships, there’s an unsaid understanding that you’ll gradually learn about the other person. However, if you’re not in a job interview and someone is pressing for a lot of very specific personal information, their motives might not be in the right place. Consider that a red flag.
Try a counselor
As passive aggressive as that sounds, I promise you, it’s not. People who tend to over share their lives are people who need an outlet to vent, and have someone to talk to and in respect, to listen to them. A counselor or therapist is a great way to get your thoughts out to a neutral party who won’t use your secrets against you later when you make them mad.
Is there an obvious motive?
I’m a people person and I tend to make friends very easily. However, there have been times in my life that I noticed that people didn’t initially fancy me, but then did a drastic change when I was attached to something appealing. Whether it was a good looking best male friend, a good looking family member that they didn’t know I was related to, or a friendship I had with someone they hoped to work for. Now, there’s nothing wrong with networking, but don’t confuse that person’s networking with instant friendship. Keep it in perspective.
So what happened to me and “coworker”? She stopped acting foolish, and we’re cool. But will I ever trust her again? Not really. But I will always thank her for the important lesson she taught me that sometimes it’s smart to keep your guard up. Thanks, “Friend”!!
Kendra Koger would trust that you learn you lesson too, and follow her on twitter @kkoger.
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If only women would see the big red flags hiding behind these seemingly inconsequential things, a lot of rough and toxic relationships could be avoided.
Here are the most common misses….