thinkstockphotos.com

How many times have we heard, or even said one of the following statements; “Good men are hard to find,” “There aren’t any good men available,” “A majority of men are homosexual or on the down low,” or “All good men are already taken.” These statements and many others have more often than not been said by woman of all races, creeds and color for a number of reasons. However, what I want to know is what is the definition of a good man? What does he look like? Does he carry himself in a certain manner?

There are a variety of adjectives that can describe and define a good man, but are these adjectives based on what he has, or who he is? Most women may initially define a man as good, or a good catch based solely on his exterior; meaning we have the tendency to focus first on the way he looks, his style of dress, what kind of job/career he has, so on and so on. But do these things truly define a good man? The answer is no. Now don’t get me wrong, these characteristics are nice to have, but they should not be the primary or the initial focus of a man, nor should they increase his value. The makings of a good man are not his outer possessions, but they are within his internal character.

As women, me included, it is imperative that we learn how to look in a man, rather than looking at him. And not only that, but we must learn what to look for inside of a man because his internal characteristics are what make him who he is. But I believe this is not simply a question of what we as women desire in men, but it is a question of what our morals and values are. Do we value physical and exterior qualities more than we value internal qualities? Or is it that we don’t know what characteristics to look for in a man? But then again, it could also be a question of how many women were raised to view men.

I recall a case study I conducted of one hundred women from a wide range of ages, socio-economic, religious, and educational backgrounds. The study asked women to list the top ten traits/characteristics (ten being the least important, one being the most important) they desired in a mate along with a brief explanation as to why these particular traits were vital to them as a woman, and the results were as follows: 10. a tie between intelligence and being physically fit, 9. selfless, 8. a tie between faithful and financially stable, 7. a good communicator, 6. a tie between career/goal-oriented and loving, 5. respectful, 4. a tie between family-oriented and honesty, 3. attractive (as in good looks), 2. God fearing. And the number one trait women desire in a mate is a sense of humor.

Other traits and characteristics women desired were: romantic, legally employed, outgoing, trustworthy, a good lover, understanding, loves children, open-minded, educated, stylish, supportive, dependable, great personality, a leader, caring, a great listener, likes to travel, tall, a friend, spiritual, affectionate, a good cook, strong, patient, independent, helpful, healthy, Christian, loves his mother, a protector, mature, a great provider, and disease free. While all of these traits and characteristics make sense, and reveal what different women think defines a good man, my questions and concerns are what traits matter more to women, and why? And how do we as women truly define what a good man is? Many times a lot of women measure a man by standards they set based on what they have (the independent woman), what they don’t have (the completion seeker), and what they desire to have (the potential gold digger), so on and so on. Rather than doing this what women should do is measure a man for who he is by observing his character, his good works, the way he speaks and interacts with people, so on and so on to see who he really is and begin to define him from who he shows he is. Good men are not hard to find, they are not all taken, and yes there are plenty available to have a productive and prosperous relationship with. It just depends on how one defines what good is. Ladies, what characteristics do you think define a good man? What matters more to you?

Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

More on Madame Noire!

• CASTING CALL! TV Shows That Should Come Back With A New Cast!
• Are You A Nice Girl or A Pushover?
• Things Women Think Are Hot But Men Don’t
• Free Drinks Are Never Free: The Price Of Being Thirsty
• You Should Take Things Slow, But How Slow Is Too Slow? 7 Signs You’ve Been Put In The Dreaded “Gray Zone”
• Bison For Life: 10 Famous Ladies Who Went To Howard University
• How I Learned To Stop Expecting My Vagina To Smell Like Roses And Just Loved It For What It Is

Source: www.chimovement.com

What are the primary traits women want in men? Intelligence, physique, selflessness, faithfulness, financially stability? Someone who is a good communicator, career/goal oriented, loving, respectful, family-oriented, honest, physically attractive, God-fearing, and with a sense of humor?

Many women create a certain type of perfect image for a mate that we have to meet, fall in love with, and marry. But more often than not, the person we have designed in our imagination may not be of our own image; meaning that the traits and characteristics people desire in someone else may not be reflected within the person who created the image.  Most women have an idea of the type of man she wants to spend her life with.  We know what we want him to look like, dress like, sound like, and act like.  We even know what we want him to have in his bank accounts.

But are the things we want, expect and sometimes demand realistic?  Do we have the things we want in ourselves that we want and require from men? I recall an elaborate list of traits and characteristics I devised of things I wanted in a mate. The list was compiled of more than forty adjectives that described the perfect man just for me. After I created the list, I placed it in my Bible, and every night before I laid down to sleep I would grab the list, read over it to be sure I wrote down everything I wanted and would start praying for this man I created. I repeated this regimen for about a year, until one day a powerful question ran across my mind: was I a reflection of the man I was praying for?

This was a very convicting question that made me take a long look at the list I created. Not only did this question make me look at the list I created, but it also made me look at who I was as a woman. So I examined the long list of traits and characteristics I wanted in a man and quickly came to realize a few things. First I realized that no one in reality existed like this; next, I discovered I was not a reflection of who I was praying for; and, third, I needed to know why I created such an elaborate list.  After realizing these things I came to the conclusion that I needed to take some time to reflect on who I was, and find out what it meant to be a reflection of someone else.

When I began this journey of self- reflection, I discovered a lot of things about myself.  I learned a lot about who I am while in and out of a relationship, I learned about my different personalities, I learned how to set realistic standards and expectations for myself and the relationships I encountered, and I learned that while I do deserve a good man, no man is perfect. I also realized that I created an elaborate list of traits and characteristics because I wanted a man to complete what was missing within me.

After this discovery, I took some more time to get to know who I was thoroughly and prayed to become a better, stronger woman rather than praying for a man who did not exist. In addition to learning who I was on this journey, I learned what it means to be a reflection of someone. To reflect or to be a reflection of a desired mate is to be able to relate to them, have the ability to be in a relationship with them; it is to be a comparable, compatible, and complementary individual to someone and share an identity with them. This simple, yet profound definition made me realize that my focus for a mate and a relationship was all about me and having my needs met. It also made me realize that while I am a good woman with a lot to offer a man, I must keep in mind that I must be a reflection of who he is in order for the relationship to be balanced, for it to prosper and for both of our needs to be met. At some point in our lives, we have created a list of things we want in a man, be it mental or physical. But before we begin searching and even diligently praying for whom we have created in our minds, we have to ask ourselves if the things we want are realistic, and if the things we want in someone else exist within. Are you a reflection of the man you pray for? Would you want a relationship with yourself?

Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

From YourTango.com

By Carmelia Ray

As a matchmaking expert, I have helped thousands ofsingles find, meet and connect with other singles wanting long-term relationships through one-on-one personal compatibility matching. I ask every person the same question: “What are you looking for in your ideal partner?” … and out comes the list of personality and character traits.

Generally, men and women want different things. For instance, most men place more emphasis on looks, sexual chemistry and confidence, whereas most women feel that commitment, communication and trust are most important. Still, there are many personality traits that both sexes hope to find in their special someone. They are:

Read about the other four traits at YourTango

More on Madame Noire!

• Confession: I Felt Joy Hurting a Man
• Well, Hiya To You! Shouting Out Some Of Our Favorite Black Imports From Britain
• Why I Think Natural Hair is Indeed a Political Statement
• Where You Been Cherie Johnson?
• Grieving Over a Girlfriend: 7 Ways to Move on After a Break-up…Between Friends
• What’s Black Enough For You?

http://www.bet.com

As an Inc.com article points outs, “good entrepreneurs make money. Great entrepreneurs make serious money.” Of course, it’s not just about the financial difference; it’s an attitude adjustment as well. If you find you’re an entrepreneur with a good steady income but still feel you could do better, here are a few qualities you should try to incorporate in your daily life.

Find happiness in the success of others. Value your teammates and help them understand their own role, don’t be afraid to make sacrifices for them. When you can rejoice when colleagues reach their goals, you’ll find your own personal success will grow.

Continually search for new experiences. Although many may view easily changing interests and switching commitments as a drawback, the ability to novelty seek as it is often called can also have its advantages for business growth. Dr. Robert Cloninger, a psychiatrist, tells Inc.com that “Novelty seeking is one of the traits that keeps you healthy and happy and fosters personality growth as you age… if you combine adventurousness and curiosity with persistence and a sense that it’s not all about you, then you get the creativity that benefits society as a whole.”

Don’t think work/life balance, just think life. Entrepreneurship isn’t just about working. It’s about developing a business idea and watching your dream grow into a lucrative reality. You gave birth to the idea and it’s your baby. So of course your business is your life. The difference between good entrepreneurs and great entrepreneurs is that they find ways to include their family and friends into the equation instead of exclude them or their work. They know how to bring passion and personal values into their professional life.

Great entrepreneurs are exceptionally empathetic. They realize that their success is dependent on putting themselves in a person’s shoes and finding business solutions to a problem. They also realize that they can’t stop at emphasizing with clients alone. They must also be able to put themselves in their employees’ shoes. They realize that success also centers on the happiness and effectiveness of the employees.

To great entrepreneurs, money isn’t a reward of good business, it’s a responsibility. Money earned isn’t simply to buy expensive cars and clothes or to throw grand parties. They recognize that money isn’t just to improve their own life; it’s also to assist the people around you. It’s a way to grow your business, reward and professionally develop and train your employees and to give back to the community.

Lastly, great entrepreneurs don’t realize just how great they are. Although they know that their success is a result of personal ambition, persistence and execution, they also recognize that great business wouldn’t be possible with great mentors and employees. They remain humble, continue to ask questions, seek advice, learn from others and give praise where it’s due.

More on Madame Noire Business!

• Behind the Click: Asmau Ahmed, Founder of PlumPerfect.com
• How She Made It: Alia Jones-Harvey, Producer of A Streetcar Named Desire
• The Career Freshman Part II: Getting To The Next Level in Your Career
• Crisis Management Lessons: Handle Scandal Like Your Name Is Kerry Washington
• How She Made It: Jeri Lynne Johnson, Founder of Black Pearl Chamber Orchestra
• Entrepreneur Spotlight: A Sister-Run Business Brings High-End Tea Stateside

From YourTango.com

thinkstock.com

While a sultry dress and stilettos may make him look, what really gets him going might surprise you.

So you’ve spotted a guy who looks like he could be the man of your dreams across the room, and before you know it, he’s noticed you too. He walks over, gives you a cheesy (but cute) opening line, and now you’re talking to him.

You and I both know that you are all that, but right now he only knows that you look great. So what will make him realize that you really are the girl he’s been waiting his whole life for and make him want to retire his little black book for good? Here are 6 personality traits that will make just about any guy fall head over heels for you.

For all the tantalizing tips, visit YourTango.com.

More on Madame Noire!

• Nicki Who? 7 Female MCs Who Could Be Coming For Nicki Minaj’s Spot
• Does Cohabitation Set A Bad Example?
• Think Like A Man Cast Tells Madame Noire Why Folks Need To See This Film
• Please, Baby Baby Baby, Please: 6 Things Men Say and Do When They Want You Back
• Tuesday Talk: Lamman Rucker Discusses Forplai, For Play And Foreplay
• NEW EPISODE: “Ask A Black Man” Episode 4: The Marriage Episode
• Just Like His Big Bro: Usher’s Little Brother Has Custody Drama
• The Pros And Cons Of Dating A Male Virgin

Black women are often criticized for having a laundry list of qualifications that a man must meet in order to date him, but a love list can be a useful thing when it comes to dating, if you use it the right way.

I remember the cover of the February 2008 issue of O Magazine had a teaser for “The Love List,” and inside was a story about a woman who had made a list of 100 qualities she wanted in a partner, tucked it away, and five years later the man of her dreams (list) appeared. They got married, and shockingly, her new husband met 98 of those criteria.

I got right on that and made my own list of things I wanted, though I didn’t quite make it to 100. I still have the list, and I’m still waiting for whatever concoction of a man I tried to describe on a piece of paper to appear, although it probably needs a little refreshing at this point.

Luckily, there’s a less labor-intensive way of finding “the one” without trying to create him from scratch. This list is more like a screening tool for the guys you already come in contact with. Jill Di Donato, an Adjunct English Professor at F.I.T, calls it the list of 10 things to ask yourself before you begin dating someone:

1.     Is he age appropriate?
2.     Is he smart?
3.     Is he sensitive towards my feelings?
4.     Is he trustworthy?
5.     Does he have a stable job/career that offers steady income?
6.     Have we been intoxicated every time we’ve hung out?
7.     Have I caught him in a lie?
8.     Has he shown signs of meanness?
9.     Does he have a good relationship with his family?
10.     Does he make an effort to contact me, or is he literally unavailable?

I love the intoxication question but sometimes it’s necessary to ask. I feel like this list should be made into an app so you can keep track of these qualities for different men in case you conveniently forget that ol’ boy lied to you about having a job or he constantly has an excuse for why he can’t see you. A notification should go off when a man has two red flags—Professor Di Donato’s rule—and then you know it’s time to go in the other direction—ASAP.

What I like about these qualities is that they are mostly focused on character. In the O story, the woman listed character traits but she also wrote down things such as “he likes gardening, fishing, and wears dark gray socks.” Sure, it would be cool to have the same hobbies as a couple, but those things have little to do with whether someone is good for you or will treat you well.

There’s one thing I might add to the list like, is our relationship strictly physical, because we all know the chances of that escalating to something more meaningful are slim to none. I could swap that in for “age appropriate” to keep the list to 10 items, but other than that I think these qualities are pretty dead on. They point out the subtle things that tend to get overlooked but are huge warning signs that you’re on the road to nowhere. There may be more fundamental things that you’re looking for in a partner, but I think these are a good starting point to keep you from pulling a Vivica and falling in love with a six pack and a smile.

What do you think about this list, does it cover the most important things you should look out for when you’re thinking about dating someone? Is there anything you would add or remove from the list?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• The TSA & The Fondling of Natural Hair Everywhere: Okay or Not?
• L is For Loser: Bros Who Mooch Off Their Celebrity Siblings
• 7 Ballsy Moves Every Woman Should Try
• Steal These Looks! Star Style For Less
• 7 Signs That You’re Ready to Move In Together
• Somebody Lied to You: People Who Swear They Can Sing But Really Can’t
• Is Social Media Killing Today’s Relationships?

(Inc) – There is no magic formula for small business success, but most owners who do well share the same six personality traits, according to a new report. The Guardian Life Small Business Research Institutereport hopes to explain why only 1 in 2 small businesses will survive more than five years, according to Small Business Administration figures. The study – called Six Dimensions That Characterize Success-Oriented Small Business Owners – is based on analysis of a survey of 1,100 small businesses with between 2 and 99 employees. (The Institute is run by the Guardian Life Insurance Company of America, and it conducts ongoing research on what it calls “the Index of What Matters Most” to small businesses.)

Read More…

(CHealth) – Racism is not an innate human reaction, new research suggests, it’s taught.

And the proof lies deep in the neurons of the human brain.

When we see an action performed by someone within our own racial group – like, say, drinking a glass of water – our brains mimic that action, even though we don’t physically go through the same motions.

Read More…