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Ever have someone ask you if you were in a relationship and your reply was, “It’s complicated”? I think most people have experienced at least one of these in their lives. It’s the kind of thing where you don’t really know where you stand as a couple; you’re not sure if you’re together, friends with benefits, bed buddies, or just plain ol’ friends. The two of you may take a day-long, week-long or even month-long break on a regular basis, only to reunite, and you often wonder to yourself, “What are we doing?” You’re on-again-off-again and undefined, and whatever it is you’re doing has you, him and everyone around you confused.

In a lot of these cases there is a strong bond between the two involved, so it’s hard to let go even if you both think it’s the best thing to do. A close friend of mine is in a situation like this. Her and her childhood sweetheart are together one week and not talking the next, but they’re “just friends.” They both date other people but continue to hang out, go shopping with one another, buy each other gifts and celebrate birthdays together. There’s no sex between them (or so they say, but honestly, I don’t believe them), no intimacy at all, yet they still discuss kids, marriage and their future together as a whole, but again, they’re “just friends.” Talk about complicated, I would say that they are the absolute definition of the word. It’s as if they want to have the other around, but don’t know if they really want to be in a relationship. Either way, it’s a mess.

The worse ones are the relationships where you consider yourself to be involved, but you go through so much drama and separations that you don’t even want to claim each other half the time. Like another one of my friends whose promiscuous boyfriend can’t decide if he wants to be with her and only her, so they break if off at least twice a week, and every time he switches up and changes his mind about what he wants. She knows his entire family, is close with all his friends and even hangs out with his sisters, but his nonsense has her feeling silly and she often finds herself telling people that they’re only “cool” when they’re actually madly in love with one another. However, he just can’t keep it in his pants, and she hates him for it.

But at some point, these kind of relationships get draining, right? You get tired of the confusion, the aggravation, anger, the pain. Sometimes you just have to say “enough is enough.” When? If you find yourself losing sleep, spending all day wondering if it’ll work, sad and deprived of joy, neglecting your friends because not only is your spirit is too low to go out and have fun, but because you’re leaving your schedule open in case he calls, do what your grandma would say and “let that be.” You have to do what’s best for you, and anything or anyone who’s not contributing to your happiness and well-being doesn’t deserve a spot in your life. And, let’s be real, it’s not always the guy’s fault. A lot of times, we’re the ones to blame. We sometimes give men the runaround, unsure of what we really want, if we want to be friends, married, single, or just have fun, and often times we just don’t know. So if you’re with a person who’s serious about you but your indecisiveness is taking a toll on their emotional health, do what’s right and tell them to move on as well. Even if they don’t want to, you know that you don’t have yourself together, so respect them enough to let them go. Either way, you don’t want to waste too much time playing the complicated game and blocking yourself from the person who is out there waiting for you.

You and your man argue all the time. It’s to a point where you can’t even look at him without wanting to turn up your nose or slap his face. You try to make things work, but time and time again, he proves that he’s not going to change, and he doesn’t seem to be putting in much effort either. Whether he’s sleeping around, lazy and bumming it up, messing up the bill money, or just mean and vicious to you, his behavior has got you fed up.
Simply put, you want out. You pack up your stuff—or his—telling yourself that this time is different. You’re going to put an end to this, for real. But as you sit and think, a wave of emotion rushes over you and you find that you just can’t do it. Unfortunately, this happens all the time, and your man notices.

Why? You love him. Or maybe you think you need him. Some women put up with the pain simply because they don’t think they can handle paying the bills on their own. Others feel that they are too old, too unattractive or have too many kids to find anything better. What man is going to take in someone else’s seeds as their own or overlook all of those hideous flaws that you keep telling yourself are unattractive, right? Or, as it seems sometimes, some women are just plain scared of being lonely.

Whatever the case, anytime you’ve seriously contemplated exiting a relationship, more than once, it’s pretty obvious that this rollercoaster ride you’re on with your man is plain ol’ TOXIC. He’s no good for you. And your arguing makes it no better. It only keeps you stressed and angry and makes him bitter because you keep nagging and trying to change him. Trust me, I’ve witnessed this firsthand because I’ve been through it. And because you always claim you’re going to book it, but continue to keep running right back, he’s going to keep taking you for granted, feeling like he can proceed to do whatever he’s doing that drives you nuts, because ultimately, you’re not going anywhere anyway.
And could you blame him for thinking this way? How could you really expect him to take you seriously if you keep letting him get away with the same things? It’s like trying to teach a child right from wrong but rewarding them whenever they do something good AND when they’re bad. It’s backwards. In situations like this, it boils down to this: you have to know your worth. If you’re a woman who takes care of her man, cooks, cleans, has the ability to keep him smiling and make him feel comfortable, all while excelling in life and taking care of yourself, then you don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t respect you or give you the same kind of love and nurturing in return.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to get it together eventually, boo. If things are really meant to be between the two of you, he will eventually come around and do better, and maybe then you can live happily ever after. If that’s honestly what you want. But in the meantime, find the inner strength to let him go. If not, you’ll continue to drown in misery for a very long, long time.

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From YourTango

New York, NY (December 17, 2012): A survey of YourTango Experts exposes the ugly truth about toxic relationships. For starters, a staggering eighty-nine percent agree that half or more of all people have toxic relationships in their lives.

But how can you tell if you are in one? The top three indications of toxicity include: “spending more time fighting than enjoying each other,” “regularly feeling like you can’t do anything right” and “feeling depressed and/or anxious.” Two other telltale signs of toxic relationships are when the relationship stops being fulfilling and when you notice friends start distancing themselves from you.

Additionally, 71% of experts identify poor relationship role models, including parents, as the leading cause of toxic relationship habits, followed closely by low self-esteem, with “fear of being truly open with someone else” clocking in third.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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Subtract the recreational drug use and manic, extreme decision-making and I know what it is to find love in a hopeless place. I met someone in the least attractive of ways, all signs said “NO!” Every angel guarding me tried to pull me away, but I allowed “lonely” to lead me to him. I filled my days and nights with him. Great conversation and intense physical attraction. Nothing but us. He adored everything about me, or so he said. How could something so wrong, feel so amazing? I was flying high, with a small storm cloud looming in the distance. But hey, it was in the distance so I willed myself not to worry about it right now.

He feigned interest in my faith and my concern for my health, but tried to feed me propaganda excluding the God I believe in and tried to push me into getting on birth control so he wouldn’t have to use a condom. Condoms “don’t be hittin’ right” as he so eloquently put it. He said he loved me just the way I was, but I noticed a pattern of the smallest, negative jabs he would throw whenever I refused to give in to his opinion on any given topic. “You’re stuck up,” “You probably wouldn’t support your husband,” “I misjudged how fragile your feelings are.” He found ways to belittle me whenever I stood up for myself and in my silly attempt to not seem so ‘fragile’ I just took it.

It was a constant tug-of-war. Was I going to make bad decision after bad decision, disfiguring my self-esteem and worth just to keep him in my life? Or was I going to lay my armor down and walk away? I had never had a man so blatantly play such mind games, disregarding my values and vulnerability in all my years of dating. I had walked away from him before so surely I could do it again and this time for good.

What many of us fail to realize in these sideways relationships is that it very rarely gets better. He told me once that just because he may have felt badly about the way he treated women in the past, it didn’t mean it changed his behavior for the better. That woke me up. A light bulb turned on and kept me awake. If he arrogantly acknowledged that he has been horrible to women in relationships but his behavior hasn’t/won’t changed, then what the HELL was I still doing there? Where did I lose my mind in thinking I needed this guy? I had enough. I told him exactly what I thought of him and where he could go. I took back what I never should have given away in the first place. The war was over. He could keep texting, telling me how wrong I was and how I had given up on us. He could keep trying to engage, but you can’t fight someone who steps out of the ring. He wasn’t worth it.

It’s easy to get caught up if you allow a moment of “lonely” to overwhelm you. You start fighting for something that never even proved its value to you. I used to judge women who kept sticking around the same manipulative, no good men. That is until I looked up and realized that I had become one of them.

We fail ourselves by confusing the fool’s gold shimmer of lust and a good time for something real. We find ourselves battling to keep our footing with a manipulator because they always come in an attractive package. And even though everything within us is screaming “DANGER!” we still step forward like moths to a flame, thinking that maybe this time will be different. What we must understand – man or woman – is that WE must hold ourselves in higher regard than to willingly become guinea pigs, testing to see if a cheater, liar, and manipulator has changed. If we can’t clearly see the change before we get involved, it has not happened and we are foolish to believe otherwise. Love doesn’t break down, it builds up. It restores. It heals.

He only went as far as I allowed him to go in my lapse of good sense. I can recognize, adjust and move forward now. I only fight when it’s worth it and the war is over.

blackromance.com

If you’re used to toxic, passionate, roller coaster relationships, and then you stumble into a good relationship, you might ask about the following dynamics, “Is this normal?”

Here are a few signs to confirm your love is really genuine …

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Are you in a relationship where you’re constantly wondering whether you should promptly throw deuces? While every relationship will take some degree of commitment and compromise, you should never feel like you’re getting the short end of the relationship stick. Relationships should be emotionally, psychologically, and physically rewarding for both parties. If any of these 10 scenarios sound like your current relationship, then you should strongly consider breaking up.

(Seattle Post Intelligencer) — Money-toxic friends tend to put you in situations that encourage you to overspend or strip you of control over your money. This can include ordering lots of expensive drinks on a communal tab, suggesting pricey group activities that leave you feeling peer pressured, or even giving you a present that’s uncomfortably costly–making you feel obligated to reciprocate with something equally expensive.

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