All Articles Tagged "therapy"
Love Lesson: How to Heal Your Love Traumas with Therapist Meg Batterson
Today, we’re doing a love class with Meg Batterson a licensed psychotherapist practicing in New York City. Meg does after care for guests of a nationally syndicated talk show where I am a recurring life coach. Meg works with couples and individuals.
Abiola: Tell our readers about your work, Meg.
Meg Batterson: I work in private practice in the Flatiron District. I’m a relationally oriented therapist; I’m always curious how we as humans impact each other and how our environment impacts our well being. I seek to help people live out their potential, actually paradoxically, by supporting them where they are. I really feel like I want to help my clients be present with their feelings and not get stuck in the past or worry too much about the future.
I give talks about what I call “post-traumatic love disorder.” I coined that phrase because I feel like so many of us are like the walking wounded out here. One of the most common situations that I encounter as a coach and when I speak to large groups is women telling me, “I know it should be over but I can’t let it go.” Why can’t people just walk away?
Letting go is a really tricky lesson to learn in life both while you’re in the context of a relationship and also when something ends. One theory actually is that attachment is such a powerful bond. In the beginning of a relationship we release those intense chemicals like oxytocin that make us bond together. That’s really important for survival because it’s about procreation and we need to bond together in order to have a child.
It’s my impression that something in us biologically feels compelled to stay even just for survival reasons. We need to stay connected as human beings in order to survive. That’s a definite truth. Even though psychologically we’re caught up in a relationship that we know isn’t good for us, I think there’s something biologically — it must also be somewhat psychological — that compels us to stay.
Even if there’s a situation of abuse, there are lots of women in those situations and people often wonder, why do they stay? Well, I think part of the reason that they stay is because of this biological need to stay together no matter what.
That makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint.
And now here we are in 2014 and we’re surviving, and we need each other but we don’t need each other quite in the same way that we did back then. I think that’s still left over. There are many theories but that’s just one theory.
The oxytocin and those feel-good chemicals that are generated when we’re in love or when we’re hugging someone or when we’re cuddling are addictive chemicals. From an intellectual point of view, that’s great. But if you are a person the situation I mentioned, what should you do in order to break away?
I think one of the keys to that is the body. We have our mind, our brain that’s usually caught up in some obsessive thinking about the person or the relationship. You’re chewing it over and over, and you’re going over everything you did together, all the good memories. Maybe even minimizing some of the bad memories. But I think if you are able to just sit quietly with your body… Maybe you get into some kind of meditation practice or yoga practice or even just sitting on your couch and dropping and checking into your body and not focusing so much on what your brain is telling you. The brain is rationalizing I should stay in this bad situation or I need to stay connected to this person, I can’t let go.
If you drop into your body you kind of allow yourself to drop into that grief process and you make contact with, ‘what is my heart feeling? What am I feeling in my stomach?’ Then you maybe start to get new information that you didn’t have access to when you were obsessing over the old story. When your mind is telling you, this is the right thing for me or I just want it to be, it has to be. I don’t want to be a failure having those obsessive thoughts.
If you drop into the body then maybe you have access to some new content, some new information that can create a new story for yourself. I think people often just want to avoid pain to stay away from the body. They don’t want to drop into that grief process and loss because it’s scary.
Yes! Currently I am running online coaching programs to help clear toxins from our lives. My Love, Body, Spirit Detox is about detoxifying from those toxic love relationships and learning how to do that. The other is called Heal Your Heart. Our mothers and fathers didn’t know necessarily how to heal or to tell us, “drop into your body.”
Some people don’t even know what drop into your body means. It can be interpreted in so many ways so we need education on how do we get out of the incessant thinking. Maybe our parents weren’t able to teach us because they didn’t know, we have inherited ways of being. We learn behavior through what our parents show us and so I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing these programs because I think education is really key for a lot of people in this area.
That’s where we get into trouble because like you said our instinct is to naturally run from pain. People drink or take drugs, or go into another relationships, have sex or whatever it is to try to avoid or numb the pain rather than going into it. We think we’re going to close my heart but the healing comes from opening your heart not from just closing down or shutting down.
Absolutely. And oftentimes we shut down when we don’t have our bridge. We don’t have relationships. I think relationships are another really important factor that plays into this concept of learning how to let go. We need each other, we can’t do things alone. It’s a fallacy to think that you’re this independent being roaming around out there.
Most Americans like to think of themselves as individualists, yeah you can be an individual but we also need to be connected and we need each other in order to heal. Reaching out to your friends, and family, and going into yourself but then going back to others and talking about your story is also really important.
This week is National Marriage Week, a time dedicated to strengthening marriages across the United States. Whether you are married or not, this week is a great time to gather information about what makes a marriage work well and what couples can do to strengthen their union.
Marriage is hard work. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or has never been married. The challenge for any married couple is whether or not they are willing to put in the work to make their marriage work – to make it last.
Making your marriage stronger doesn’t have to feel like hard work, though, because every day things you do can be steps towards strengthening your relationship. We also have to remember that what you need to make your marriage better may be very different that what your friend needs to improve her marriage. We are all in different places and we all require different things from our partners, but here are seven small things we can all do to make our marriages better.
7 Simple Things That Can Make Your Marriage Better
During my undergraduate tenure at Florida State, I had the fortune of being taught by one of the most important black psychologists in the country, Dr. Naim Akbar. Dr. Akbar, while discussing the psychological state of black people in America, said “every negro living in America needs some form of therapy. When you think about what’s been done to us and our history in this country, America is lucky that it isn’t overrun with a bunch of crazy n*****.”
When asked what it would take to get men, specifically black men, to attend a therapy session, I thought of 1,000 different reasons it wouldn’t happen. When I say “therapy,” I’m making specific reference to sessions which include couches, a licensed psychologist discussing a patient’s feelings, and daily/weekly visits. Discussing black men’s aversion to therapy without talking about the barriers would be pointless, so I’ll start there. Afterward, I’ll discuss how those barriers can be broken.
Men “being men” isn’t the answer
Firstly, we need to understand how the stereotype of men’s emotional disposition can prevent them from seeking therapy. Society says men are supposed to be strong, unemotional, and silent. If a woman needs help, she has an almost endless amount of resources to choose from. The stereotype of the man being strong and silent works against men, especially black men, because we aren’t allowed to verbalize what is wrong with us without being seen as weak. This is particularly destructive for black men because carrying the burden of being one of the most oppressed groups in the United States has been a direct cause of so many young black men ending up in the prison system. The rules need to be rewritten to show black men that talking about problems and dealing with them head on in a safe environment is an example of strength, too.
It starts with the parents
A discussion of how the stigma of mental health and how it’s viewed in the black community needs to be addressed. What I’ve found in my previous experience as a mental health counselor for “at risk” youth is that parents have a hard time understanding the problems at hand so they’re either perplexed on what to do or believe the problem to be temporary. Instead of parents admitting there might be something wrong, parents simply say “there’s nothing wrong” or the kids are “just acting up.” That attitude is carried for those same children when they turn into adults. Rather than concede there is an issue, black boys grow up to be black men who think “there’s nothing wrong” or that whatever is bothering them will simply go away. A refusal of their parents to acknowledge a little black boy’s actions not being “normal,” turns into black men who can’t own up to the notion of something not being quite right with them and to then seek help.
Therapy ain’t cheap, or just for white people
The last barrier I wanted to touch on are the costs associated with seeking treatment. A cursory glance on your favorite search engine will give you a wide array of prices on therapeutic services. The price can range from $60 an hour all the way up to $250+ an hour. Certainly nothing to sneeze at. Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that a large portion of the black community believes therapy, on the whole, is “for white or crazy people.” Ignorant? Absolutely, but I’ve seen it and heard it a hundred times over so I know this line of thought exists.
We know the problems, what are some solutions?
So how do we combat all of this? These solutions are available, but I’ll admit they’re not as easy to do as they are to write about. For starters, there would need to be a paradigm shift in the way men are treated in society. We need black men to realize that seeking help to deal with certain issues is perfectly acceptable. Being able to ask for help, instead of carrying the entire world on their shoulders, needs to be seen as a sign of strength. Not the other way around.
Secondly, the stigma of seeing a therapist needs to be reduced. Building up more support in the black community about the benefits of attending therapy sessions, black parents being able to admit they may need some outside assistance in finding out what’s wrong with their child, and newfound respect for the work mental health professionals can help tremendously.
Finally, though therapy costs can be costly, I’ve noticed that there are insurance policies available that can cut the costs down. If that’s not an option, black men can look for other resources that provide an open and safe place for them to share their burdens. Whether it’s group therapy, counseling sessions at whichever college they attend, or simply talking to someone else about what’s going on, there are alternatives to traditional forms of counseling and resources for those who can’t afford to pay the full cost. One just has to look for them.
Getting men to go to therapy, no matter the race, is a tall order. As a black man, I can attest that gender stereotypes, how mental health is viewed, and the costs associated with therapy are definite barriers to seeking help in this manner. Though I talked about some other solutions, I also want to take the time to say that black women can definitely play an integral part in pushing men to seek help as well. Author Charles W. Chestnutt once said “when it is said that it was done to please a woman, there ought to be enough said to explain anything; for what a man will not do to please a woman is yet to be discovered.” In other words, plenty of men out there will do anything to please their woman and if going to therapy is what would make her happy, he’d damn sure at least consider it.
Rarely will you find that a relationship or a marriage is able to tread a smooth and stable road. Instead, most relationships and marriages come with plenty of road bumps and even a few road stops. When a couple can’t come to an agreement on a certain problem, sometimes couples therapy is the only thing that can help them move past it. Here are 7 signs you need couples therapy and 7 ways this type of therapy will really help.
Does Chris Brown really want the masses to celebrate him when he does something “good” or “right?” We can’t tell.
He’s been ranting all week about this, that and the other, but now, TMZ has photos of his latest work and apparent gang affiliation.
Breezy has been in Hawaii for the last couple of days (he performed on Friday) and while there, he had a local guide take him to an area of the island where doing graffiti is legal. His portrait, reminiscent of his recent “Eff the police” tweets, was tagged with his initials in the shape of a heart along with “Fruit Pirus!!!!,” right next to it.
For those of you who aren’t aware, the Pirus are a notorious gang from Los Angeles who are mostly made up of original blood gang members. The distinction of Piru groups is very confusing and since we are not gang members, we don’t need to go through figuring it out. To be honest, I’ve only done “research” on this after hearing Kendrick Lamar denouncing the gang lifestyle on his album.
Back to Chris. This is the second time in a week that he’s referred to the gang. When he talked about collaborating with Beyonce, he added that “JAY might have a problem wit it but this PIRU!”
Now, if Chris has any concern over how fans might deal with the idea of him being in a gang, he’ll try to have his publicists spin the story to make it seem like he’s not in a gang. I mean, that’d be the smart thing.
You can check out the rest of the photos over on TMZ.
Here’s the question: What kind of grown a** man waits until he’s in his 20s to join a gang? You don’t have anything else better to do with your grown a** life than to run around being involved with a gang…allegedly?
In mid-February, Bea Arthur appeared on ABC’s investment and invention driven television show Shark Tank. She presented to the judges with confidence, delivering a memorable pitch that revealed the makings of her online therapy counseling service Pretty Padded Room — “A nice place to go crazy.” Although small, Arthur’s business was already running and successful before the show.
At the time of taping — last September — Arthur considered the not-bitten pitch to be a sorely missed opportunity. Nonetheless, Pretty Padded Room has since experienced beneficial adjustments. The most helpful advice received from the judges, Arthur said, was to find a business partner — and fast.
“I realized that I couldn’t build a business while I was running the business. If you’re a solo entrepreneur, you get bogged down by the day-to-day operations, “ Arthur admitted.
“At the time I had eight people working for me and 40 clients per month. Working from home on my futon full-time took all of my time. I wasn’t in the mindset to be doing the things I needed to do to get to the next level.”
Though a partnership between Arthur and an investor on the show didn’t materialize, she’s found other investors and currently owns 84 percent of the business.
“Since that time a lot has changed in how I operate my business. At the time I was really bummed out. I really felt like I had it and they would like it,” Arthur said. “I got tripped up on a couple of questions. I do feel like had I given them the answers they wanted, I could have gotten a deal.”
The Birth of Pretty Padded Room
Arthur thought up the idea of Pretty Padded Room in 2010, after her first venture Me Time failed. While a graduate psychology student at Columbia University, Arthur often babysat to earn extra money. Considering the moms that got very little time off — and to themselves — she launched a social site for mothers who maybe wanted to chat with other adults and moms alike.
“At the time I was 25 and didn’t have any kids so here I was telling these women they had a need. It was nice in theory, but what I found out later was that if I was a stay-at-home mom and had an hour free, I’d want to take a nap or go hang out with other moms,” Arthur added. “I wasn’t my target market. With this business I am my target market.”
Arthur discovered that therapy was her forte while working in real estate. Fairly different than her time prior spent as a domestic violence counselor — in real estate Arthur learned that beyond her job she enjoyed engaging with clients. That’s when, in 2006, she decided to go back to school to earn a Masters and EdM in Counseling Psychology.
“In having a lot of clients I just realized that I wanted to talk more to people. I was really curious about human behavior and the human condition,” She said.
Following the fall of Me Time, Arthur became depressed. Despite being a therapist herself, she strayed away from getting help because of two issues: the first, she didn’t want friends to know what she was going through; two she couldn’t afford continual therapy sessions.
Reshaping the Accessibility of Sanity
“I said if I’m a believer of this and can’t afford it, some of our clients must feel this way too. I felt like there was a big disconnect in this really necessary and valuable service and what people thought about it — and what they were able to get out of it,” Arthur said.
You ever have a moment where your “you so crazy friend” seems really crazy? Some celebrities’ wile-out moments have me worried about their mental health. Sometimes the spotlight sheds some light on your mental deficiencies. Are these celebrities really crazy or just acting a fool for ratings?
Another Day, Another Crazy Athlete: Former Baseball Star Milton Bradley Facing Spousal Abuse Charges
Most professional sports leagues do psychiatric testing on their players at some point but maybe they’re missing something because some of these fools are insane.
Former baseball star Milton Bradley is facing 13 charges related to spousal abuse, according to TMZ. If you’re a baseball fan, you know Badley’s name and know he’s had lots of trouble on and off the field most of his career. He and his wife Monique married in 2005 but Bradley filed for divorced 11 months later after the police had been to their house three times during those 11 months on domestic related calls. He was never arrested and the divorce was never finalized.
Two years ago, he was arrested for making criminal threats to Monique but in exchange for an out-of-court hearing, the charges were dropped. However, seven months later, he was arrested for allegedly attacking his wife with a bat and yet again in March 2012 for threatening her with a knife and adding, “You’ll be dead before you divorce me, Itchbay.”
These 13 counts of domestic charges stem from all the aforementioned accounts and another in November where Monique claimed Milton choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop smoking weed in front of their two children.
The charges are as follows: 4 counts of spousal battery, 4 counts of criminal threats, 2 counts of assault with a deadly weapon, 2 counts of vandalism and 1 count of dissuading a witness from making a report. If convicted, he faces up to 13 years in prison.
He’ll be arraigned on January 24th and is denying the charges.
I’m sure many of you are wondering why his wife didn’t just leave but based on the descriptions of his attacks, she likely feared for her life and the lives of her children. Hopefully, she can finally get out and she and her children get the help they need.
What is it about Hollywood break-ups that feed the secret voyeur that lives in some if not all us?
Looking back at 2012, America was faced with the breakup of some major Hollywood stars and even experienced a false alarm when one couple threw in the towel temporarily after a cheating scandal was uncovered. What is it about Hollywood break-ups that feed the secret voyeur that lives in some if not all us? In general, I was totally unaffected by the news that Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson called it quits after she allegedly cheated only to get back together again very shortly thereafter *sigh*.
However, I did go through roughly a week’s worth of mourning when I heard about Heidi Klum and Seal’s semi-sour ending and ultimate split. I still experience a sudden rush of sadness when I see Paparazzi pics of Heidi with her bodyguard boyfriend and her kids. But why? Heidi and Seal, Kristen and Robert, none of these people or their relationships have a thing to do with me and my life. When it comes down to it, I think we look at celebrity relationships as examples of what our own should or will be. Some of us tend to place stars on a pedestal making the misguided assumption that somehow the money and fame equates to a happiness that supersedes our own.
As a result, when it all comes crashing down publicly for them, it strikes fear in the hearts of us common folk as we pose the question: if Kimora Lee and Russell couldn’t do it with millions, will my marriage make it through with far less? Truth be told, you may have a better shot at lasting love than would a Hollywood A-lister rolling in the dough. Work on mastering your own relationship and you may come to find that true love can’t be bought or sold.
Words by Sid Powell
Sid Powell is the NAACP-nominated screenplay writer of ‘Somebody’s Child’, a mother of two, and the owner of SIDPo Productions. Read more about how SIDPo Productions is ‘Changing Everything’ at www.sidpoproductions.com.
Too often television shows and movies feed couples the fairy tale of what marriage looks like. Don’t be fooled. Anytime you merge two individuals as well as their families, beliefs, and feelings, you are bound to run into some rough spots. If you think you’re never going to be angry beyond words, think again. You will.
But, just because you’re marriage doesn’t resemble the model marriages you think other people have – doesn’t mean you two won’t make it. In essence, you have to find your own path and do what works for you and your spouse. Cookie cutter advice is cute, but it’s seldom helpful in the heat of the moment or four days into an argument that you can’t even remember. Here are a few tips on how to make it last forever or at least longer than my marriage lasted.
– Say you’re sorry if you’re wrong – Sounds simple but some people are way too stubborn when it comes to this.
– Choose your battles – Rest assured you’ll have another opportunity to be the victor. Let it go every now and then just because.
– Do unto others – This oldie but goodie still works believe it or not! Treat him the way you want to be treated.
– Learn to be a good listener – No one likes to be cut off and talked over.
– Don’t compare – Your husband is not your best friends husband or your sister’s husband, he’s your husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to be himself.
– Be nice – Just do it.
– Be quiet – Just don’t talk sometimes, at all.
– Do and say the unexpected – We tend to become predictable in relationships. If you want to really shock him, shake things up and do the exact opposite of what he’s expecting you to do or say.
– Remember to have fun – Don’t take everything so serious, he fell in love with the part of you that was able to have a little fun.
Sid Powell is the NAACP nominated screenplay writer of ‘Somebody’s Child’, a mother of two, and the owner of SIDPo Productions. Read more about how SIDPo Productions is ‘Changing Everything’ at www.sidpoproductions.com.