All Articles Tagged "the list"
In this special edition of Ask a Black Man, the men discuss “The List” and why do we need one in the first place? When does the list become overwhelming and do men have a strict list like most women? The men also discuss their thoughts on black love, the plight of the black man and how society has taught black women and men not to love each other. What are your thoughts on this episode? Make sure you leave a comment below and let us know your thoughts.
Be sure to check out FYI’s new series #BlackLove on December 8th @10:15/9:15c
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Every woman has one. A literal or figurative list of traits and qualities she would like in a man. Charming, handsome, funny but not goofy, between 6′ and 6’5″, an average salary of $80k, loves his mother, has a great relationship with his father, etcetera, etcetera. This “Yes” list–an aspirational but certainly attainable list of attractive qualities that would deem a man worthy of putting a ring on it–while penciled in, isn’t usually etched in stone. This is a list which is often compromised. You meet a history teacher and he makes $60k a year and he’s an awesome guy, so you date him. You find out the cute doctor you’ve been dating hasn’t spoken to his mother in fifteen years, but he’s respectful, funny, and absolutely adores you, so you date him. There are myriad reasons for exceptions to be made on The List, and usually, everything ends up being just fine.
And then, there’s the “No” list: No short men. No pilots. No Aries. “I do NOT date men who went to Syracuse.” No Kappas. No HBCU men. The No List is often extensive and specific, and however arbitrary it may seem, is completely fair and rational to the respective woman who wrote it. She knows what she can absolutely not deal with, usually based on past experiences with men who fit in those various “No” categories. Whether consciously or not, the No List is rarely compromised. Once the line is drawn and the offending Do Not Want is placed on the list, it is usually avoided altogether.
A couple of years ago, my No List was relatively short and contained about five descriptors which had proven time and again to be not at all what I wanted in a man. Which is why I scoffed when a man whom I had known of through various online social networks, started showing interest in me. He proudly had not one but two of the things on my short list of Nos, and I had already decided to tune out any flirtation before it even had a chance to develop into anything else. These two Nos were a big part of his life, one being a side occupation and one a fraternity he’d devoted himself to, and even though he didn’t know these were two automatic strikes, I’d kept him at a safe distance.
When I was in his city on business and he requested to go to dinner while I was in town, I went against my list and agreed while lounging in my hotel room after a long day. What was the harm in grabbing a bite to eat with a handsome guy? …Then I fell asleep in my hotel while he waited downstairs in the freezing cold. I felt so bad, thought for sure he’d never speak to me again when I woke at midnight and saw the messages from him two hours earlier. Despite him having undesired qualities, he seemed to be a nice guy and I hadn’t meant to fall asleep so rudely. Imagine my surprise when he not only told me “no worries” about falling asleep, but talked to me for the rest of the night and into the morning, until it was time for me to catch my 7 a.m. flight. It was a refreshing and surprisingly comfortable conversation, filled with jokes that kept me laughing in my pillow, and having many “you too? I thought that was just me!” moments. Maybe he deserved a chance after all.
A year and a half later, I am still amazed at how we came to be. Happening upon a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who I was so strongly against dating (I had second, third, and fourth thoughts before we decided to make it official) made me realize that sometimes, taking a look at your “No” list is just what you need. Maybe he’s exactly your height and you love to wear heels. Should that stop you from the potential of Love? Doesn’t have a degree? Maybe he hit a few rough patches in life and is playing catch up. If I’ve learned anything in the past couple of years, it is that what you think is so important may ultimately prove insignificant in the fabric of your relationship, because they are all different. I had refused to date a “serious” blogger, even being a blogger myself. Now I find myself attending various events and panels with him, helping with post ideas, and have actually found it quite cool to date a fellow writer, even if we have vastly different end goals. Love, in all its complicated simplicities, cannot be placed into a neat box, categorized and check-marked. I’ve realized that was the best decision I’ve made thus far.
As women we have it somewhat easier than the guys when it comes to the delicate subtleties of the dating world. While we undoubtedly go through our fair share of drama, I can’t help but feel like men are put at a disadvantage from the start. I mean it has to take a lot of guts to approach a woman, a complete stranger, trying to convince her she should get to know you better. As someone who doesn’t take kindly to rejection, that’s not a job I’d want…at all. While we women must show discernment when deciding who we’ll dedicate our time to, we shouldn’t eliminate potential suitors for no good reason. Many of us, not all but enough of us, have such shallow, downright frivolous criterion for even engaging in conversation with a man, that it needs to be addressed. Are you one of these women? Well, do you subscribe to one of these schools of thought?
Do you have list? You the list of characteristics and qualities you would like to have in a man. Many women do, even if it’s not a tangible piece of paper.
While you may have your list all ready to go, perhaps you should ask yourself, are the the qualities you’re really concerned about viable and relevant in the real world?
Does your list have things like “six figure salary” but neglects to mention whether or not the man is kind and decent? Make sure your list and the men you choose are more “candy bars than apples.”
Find out what I mean by this and what qualities should be on your list at Your Tango.com
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by Quierra Davis-Martin
I’m sure we’ve all at one time or another in our lives made that so called “list”. Our special list of qualities we’d all want in a man. Chili from the VH1 show “What Chili wants” made the so called “list” famous again. Not many were happy with all her many wants on the list either. Both men and women thought the list to be extreme and over the top. Everyone knew for sure that Chili would be single forever if this list didn’t go down the drain. Besides, nobody’s that perfect right? Should we as women still be operating off of our special “list”? Or should we only be trusting in attraction and chemistry to lead us to Mr. Right?
When thinking about a potential life partner I do think it’s important to have an overall idea of what you’d be looking for in a mate. It is important to be choosey since ultimately you will be spending your entire life raising a family with this person. Marriage should be till death do you part so it’s fair that you get exactly what you want right? Now realistically we can’t have it all unfortunately. No human is just that perfect. You may get height in a man but he may come with a beer belly. Or you may get the handsome face but boring personality. It all comes down to what’s most important to YOU. It really sucks to have to pick particular qualities in a man that you’d prefer most but if we want to be happy with someone it has to be done. I surveyed a few women and got 3 of the most important qualities that a man needed to have. I will call them the “3 bigs”! A big penis, a big heart and a big bank account. I’m sure we’ve all thought about each and every one of these qualities in a man but out of the 3, which is really the MOST important?
We’ve heard from men especially that sex is very important in a relationship. We as women view sex a little differently than men but it is still very very important. Sex for me personally is very emotional. I have to feel attached and connected to the person to even want to experience sex with them. To others sex may be purely sexual. Sex is important because it also reinforces the attraction you have within your relationship. I hear a lot of women say that even if they don’t feel like having sex with their partner they still would like for him to ask even if the answer is no. This reminds the woman that she is still wanted by her man. So overall sexual chemistry and the idea of sex alone really sets and creates the tone of any relationship. To some women size matters as well! I’ve heard from many women that it’s completely impossible for them to enjoy sex with someone who isn’t well endowed. This could for sure damage any relationship. Therefore good sex at a good size is for sure a must for some women!
Moving onto a big heart. Of course this is important because who wants to live with a mean, angry, selfish man. A man like this can make you miserable for the rest of your life! I recently came across a quote by Shakespeare that reads “choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90% of all your happiness or misery”. This is so very true! Every woman wants that man who sweeps her off her feet and buys her roses and candy. This is a dream come true for us. Only a man with a big heart would think to do things like this. Men like this are considerate and thoughtful. They are always finding ways to make their special woman happy. Little love notes on the pillow, a surprise bubble bath when you come home and constant reminders that you are his princess. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman that’s said she doesn’t want a man with a big heart, but is this always enough?