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From Essence

Dear Dr. Sherry,

I am a 49-year-old woman who has been married for 28 years. I have devoted my life to my husband and my daughter. The moon rose and set on the two of them, and I had great faith in my husband and believed everything he told me as gospel until about five years ago. My husband had a 2-year relationship that almost tore our marriage apart. I asked him to leave and he move out. After three months, he said he had made a mistake and we reconciled. Fast forward to after the affair. I began to analyze myself. I had really neglected myself, to the point, I had gained weight, neglected to finish school and stop going out with my friends because as I was just too busy with my family. I gave up all my power as a woman to my husband. It was not his fault.

In 2011, I decided I needed a change. I had gastric bypass surgery and I’ve lost almost 70 pounds so far. I enrolled in college at my job and I’m almost finished and looking forward to my new career. I have also made new friends and go out at least once a week. I am having the time of my life! However, there are problems: My husband has been extremely resistant to my changes, I know he does not like it, and at this point his opinion no longer matters. Dr. Sherry, for the past three years my husband has been in the hospital because he refuses to take care of himself. He has a host of illnesses; diabetes, HTN, eye-problems, hearing problems etc., which all came about after the affair. Just recently, he lost his job, and then, for no apparent reason, stopped taking all of his meds. Last Thanksgiving he had a mild stroke, and my husband is only 52 years old. Also because of my husband’s last stint in the hospital and job loss, we are now behind in the mortgage payments and in foreclosure.

My husband is recovering from the stroke and has found a full-time job. We are now negotiating with the mortgage company. I’m tired and at the end of my rope. I’m tired of always having to run behind him and to put out the fires. My daughter is going off to college, and I no longer want to be married. I refuse to leave because he needs me, since he is still recovering from the stroke. Please help. What do I do? I love my husband, but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore.

Signed,

Don’t Know What to Do

See what Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this on Essence.com.

Tommie Harris, member of the San Diego Chargers football team, has suffered a sadly similar experience to NFLer Chris Draft this week. On Sunday evening, his wife, Ashely Harris, passed away after being hospitalized just two days prior for a stroke or brain aneurysm.

Ashley was only 29, and she and and Tommie just said “I do” on New Year’s Day. The couple was planning a reception in Oklahoma where Tommie played college ball but sadly they weren’t able to finish their plans. The young mother had also recently given birth to the couple’s second child, 4-month-old Tinsley, and they also have a 3-year-old named Tyson together.

Family friend Bill Horn told the Chicago Sun-Times:

“Tommie has been overwhelmed by the support of his former teammates, the Bears organization and the city of Chicago. Please continue to pray for him as he and his children grieve the loss of his wife.”

Ashley and Tommie were visiting Oklahoma last week when Ashley suddenly collapsed and was taken to the hospital. An official cause of death has not yet been confirmed and the autopsy is currently pending. Ashley’s funeral will be held in her birthplace of New Orleans on Friday.We’re definitely sending prayers to the family.

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Just a couple months ago, when I was hanging out with my mans and his girl – smarting from a big war between my girlfriend and me. We were waiting on her to get ready to go see 9^th Wonder spin, and while we waited we sat down to “Patrice O’Neal: Elephant in the Room” on Netflix stream.

The Shyte was hilarious. I didn’t want to move. O’Neal was aiiiiight on “The Roast of Charlie Sheen”, but I hadn’t been so enthralled by a stand-up comedy since I saw Katt Williams’ Cincinnati show about seven years ago.

After watching O’Neal’s show, all I thought was, “I’m absolutely following this cat’s career from now on.”

Alas, it wasn’t to be. Following his November 29th death after complications following a stroke a month prior, “Elephant in the Living Room” seems oddly prescient, considering he speaks a lot about his illness and the potential death that could come of it.

Now when I look at O’Neal during that stand-up, I see a man sadly headed down a physical road of doom that so many black men have and will continue to endure.

It burns me to see so many black folks in Chicago and Detroit (the “fat” cities in which I reside) find some level of comfort or apathy in being obese or woefully out of shape. Our cultural mindset skews toward an affinity for “bigness” in the sense that some extra weight is simply a by-product of being black.

No. Perhaps you can be somewhat meaty and still healthy – the BMI is not so much the issue as is what’s going on under the hood. Diabetes, which O’Neal was inflicted with, is an entirely manageable, treatable disease. Eating in general is often an addiction, and sweets are even more insidious. But we owe it to ourselves to understand that food is an addiction and that every addiction can be overcome given the right steps. Just a few years ago I saw myself headed down his path: I was far from morbidly obese, but I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and I was pretty thick-ums.

When I lost my job, I turned my anguish and defeat into an excuse to work out everyday. I lost a good 20-plus pounds and knew I’d never, ever go back. Simply put, I’d like to hang around for my unborn kids, be able to throw around a ball – any ball – with them and grow old without tubes running out the side of my butt at age 55 because I didn’t take care of myself.

Another issue black men have is an inherent mistrust of doctors. We tend to think they’re all out to either sell us something we don’t need and can’t pay for, or even more dubiously, make us sick when we weren’t already. My best answer to this is to find a (consciously) black doctor that recognizes your concerns and will do well to be cool with your issues.

I don’t need to spend an entire column preaching to you all about the skewed health factors that affect black folks – especially black men. But think about O’Neal, how he went at an all-too-young age of 41 and what it means to stick around for a while. It’s hard to control stress all the time and it’s nearly impossible to control what the Fawk the police will do at any given moment…but what you can control is what you put in your body.

According to The National Stroke Association one half of African American women will die from stroke or heart disease. That’s a sobering fact.

But you can do something about it, today. Icilma Fergus, MD. FACC., assistant professor of clinical medicine at Columbia University Medical Center said one of the best preventative measures in avoiding these diseases, is eliminating processed foods and foods that include high fructose corn syrup.

Fergus, a member of the Association of Black Cardiologists, provided a list of foods that can prevent diseases that are so prevalent in the black community. She mentioned, green leafy vegetables, fish and kidney beans.

Check out the full list over at Black Voices.

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How Did I Have a Stroke in My 20s? [ENTREZ]