Source:www.blacktating.com

Dear Single Sistas,

I’m writing this letter to my Single Sistas who may be feeling down in the dumps during this Christmas season because they don’t have a mate to exchange gifts with or spend quality holiday time with. This letter also goes out to those who may feel extremely lonely during this season because  they are fresh out of a relationship and this is your first time without a significant other. I’m writing this letter to encourage you to celebrate this holiday season in your season of singleness, and see and embrace the beauty that it is. I know many of you may be saying or thinking that you enjoy the holiday season with friends and family, but it would be nice to have a special man in your life to exchange a kiss or two under the mistletoe with, or exchange a kiss at midnight with at the beginning of a New Year. While I agree with you, I want to encourage you to find different ways to enjoy the holiday season while you’re single. One of the things you can do this season is volunteer at a shelter, or soup kitchen. Not only will this gesture help someone else, but it will make you see how blessed you are for the things you have and make you forget about not having a mate (at least for the moment).

Another thing you can do is spend the extra money you would have spent on a gift for your mate on yourself! Treat yourself to something extremely special and out of the ordinary and place it under your tree addressed to you from you! You can also spend that extra money on a weekend getaway for yourself, or start a new savings account to ring in the New Year. Another thing you can do during your single holiday is spend time reflecting on what the holiday season really means. So many people get caught up in the commercialization of the holidays that they have the tendency to forget what they are truly designed to be about…Thankfulness. One more thing you can do during this holiday season of singleness is actually just enjoy the fact that you are single! While spending time with friends and family is a wonderful thing, it’s also a wonderful thing to have quiet time for self-reflection.

Look back and reflect on your accomplishments, the good times you had this year, and focus on new beginnings and how you will be the best single woman you can be until the time comes for your season of singleness to end. I know it’s hard when you see and hear of friends getting engaged on Christmas or at midnight on New Year’s Eve, and you find yourself waning the same thing. I also know it’s hard to see the lavish gifts from a friend’s significant other too, but I encourage you to stay positive and grateful for all you have because your time will come when the time is right. Don’t be down this holiday season. Lift your heads and hearts because your/our season of singleness is a gift that’s not only given once a year, but all year round if you allow it to be the gift that it is, because the truth of the matter is, I’d rather be a single woman happy and enjoying my holiday without a relationship, rather than being a woman in a relationship, yet still single and more alone than you think during every season of the year. So I say to all of you, enjoy this and every holiday season in your season of singleness because there may come a time in your life when you wish you had done so. Enjoy being single, and appreciate it for what it is.

Sincerely, Your Single Sistah,

Liz

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A few years ago, I decided to take a hiatus from the dating scene for personal and spiritual reasons. I decided that I needed a break before I delved back onto the dating scene because I needed time to heal from past relationships, I needed to uproot the bitterness I’d buried within and learn how to turn that hurt and pain into positive lessons I could take with me on my continued journey through life. I also needed time to reconnect and build a more profound relationship with God in order to truly know and understand my purpose as a single woman. Taking this hiatus was one of the best decisions I made for myself. I learned a lot about myself, which made me more confident in who I am, and helped me to discover the type of man I truly desired a relationship with when the time was right.

During the early stages of my break from dating, close friends and family would always ask was I dating anyone, or was anyone interested. I would gleefully reply no and no! They would say okay with a smile, but then ask why not? I would then tell them that I was finally in a good place and that I was joyful in my heart and spirit about my single life. After hearing my explanation, they understood why I responded the way I did and encouraged me to continue taking my time. While on this hiatus, I’ve met a number of guys that wanted to ‘go out’, or meet up for drinks, and have even exchanged numbers with a select few. I even toyed with the thought of returning to the dating scene, but then I soon realized that I really enjoyed being completely single and unattached.

Then one day while walking along my merry way, I glanced over my right shoulder and I noticed a guy walking slightly next to me. The next thing I know we had struck up a conversation.

During our conversation I found out that we worked in the same area, in the same field and that we were both on short lunch breaks. We exchanged phone numbers and said goodbye for the moment. After that interaction, I immediately asked myself, why did you do that knowing that you are not interested in dealing with any man on any level right now? So I thought about it and I said that it’s nothing serious, and he seems like a good guy to have as a friend. After rationing with myself, it was set in my mind that this new guy in my life would only be my friend. I mean after all, male friends are the best friends a woman can have sometimes. The next morning, I received a text from my new found friend wishing me a good day. I replied the same and moved on with my day.

This type of communication went on consistently for about two weeks before our first phone conversation. We communicated consistently for about two to three months before my new friend asked, when will I see you again?  I’m thinking to myself…here it goes. While not trying to jump to conclusions, I knew my friend wanted to be more than friends. Before I answered I thought to myself, what harm could meeting up with him do? He’s a nice, well-rounded guy that I enjoy talking to. But then I thought what if he tries to come on strong and I have to shut him down? Will that ruin our budding friendship? After thinking quickly I told him that we could meet for lunch whenever our schedules permitted. He agreed and we ended our conversation shortly after. When we got off the phone I was looking forward to our future lunch date, but I was hoping that we would end up on the same page with both of us remaining friends because in times past, I’ve gone out on what were seemingly harmless dates that led to relationships real quick.

However, during my hiatus, I learned why that happened: because I feared losing a good man more than I valued being single. I thought that I could not live a productive life without a man and that I could never be happy being single. Boy was I wrong! But I had to take a step back from the dating scene to find out who I was as a single woman, and learn how to be completely single. I’m also learning that there are a plethora of good, single men in the world to have productive relationships with and that I don’t have to be in a rush to settle down. I’ve learned that every man that comes into my life has a purpose, and I need to pray and ask for direction on what that purpose is before I miss out on the blessing that he will be to me, and I to him. At this point I’m not sure what my friend’s purpose in my life is, but I know he has one and as we continue building our friendship it will be revealed. What do you think ladies? Has a good guy ever come into your life at the wrong time, or at a time when you weren’t ready for a relationship?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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From YourTango

It’s a Friday night. Your girlfriends all have date nights planned with their boyfriends. They’re going to dinner, the movies or staying in and spending time together. And you? You’re alone and it doesn’t take long for you to wonder why.

Well, the answer isn’t as simple as you may think. In some cases, it’s simpler than in others. Here are some of the most common reasons why a woman doesn’t have that special man in her life:

1. Your standards are too high. It’s great to have high standards. No woman should sell herself short and then be stuck in a situation she regrets. There is such a thing, however, as having standards that are too high.

What’s the difference, you ask? Well, normal standards are something like this: “I want him to respect me, treat me right and be honest and decent.” Too-high standards look like this: “He better drive a Lexus and have a job making six figures.”

It’s good to have expectations but ultimately, whether or not he’s a high earner isn’t going to bring you happiness or a stable relationship. Also, don’t let your standards get in the way of a good guy. Sometimes, women will pass on a man, believing they can do better, only to settle with a lesser someone years later.

2. Negativity is your middle name. Do you need to win every argument? Are you confrontational or super defensive? Do you never give compliments, are always negative or can’t be pleased? If so, this might be something to look at.

Believe it or not, there are certain personality traits that will turn men off, no matter how gorgeous a woman is. If you always walk into a relationship like nothing he does is good enough, he will not stick around. And if, when you first meet a man, you’re not willing to engage him in conversation about his interests, he will also not stick around.

Don’t be combative or hostile and don’t let one thing he says turn you off to him completely. Open up a little more and don’t stress. Men who see women as unfairly and overly negative usually head for the door.

Read the rest at YourTango

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Rebuilding your life after a divorce can seem like an impossible task. You have to mourn the loss of your relationship, accept the past and then assess the quality of your life and your state of happiness going forward. But this time is also filled with great opportunities to rediscover yourself, focusing on no one but you…looking for self-love in every new moment. If you want to be happily divorced ever after, consider these benefits of going from a spouse to the single gal in the city!

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