All Articles Tagged "single"
I am a 34-year-old female and I’ve been working at a firm for 13 years and I’m not even making $30, 000 a year. I have two children and I can hardly pay for their tuition and my others bills every month. I have bad credit and I am drowning in debt. I feel that no matter how I try I can’t see my way out of all this debt. I live in a studio apartment that I rent from my parents (when I can afford to pay them) and neither of my kids have their own room or space. What hurts even more is that when my parents need my help financially I can barely help myself much less to help them.
I feel like such a disappointment to my kids, my parents and myself. I have been feeling so bad for the past five months that I am wondering if
I am falling into depression. I feel that I am not worthy of happiness or anything good. Do you know how it feels for your kids to want to do the simplest of things on the weekends and you can’t afford it? How can I get my life back? Where do I go from here? Honestly, if I continue on this pathway of life I really don’t know where I am going to end up emotionally.
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com
“So, why are you still single? have you met anyone ?” – every family member, every holiday, every year.
Most of society will tell you singleness and the holidays are two things that just don’t mix but you try to make it work every now and again, like plaids shirts and stripped pants. Whether you are the last single friend or the last single family member, someone is going to ask you this question. It’s up to you to approach the holidays with a good spirit and deck the halls with joy or misery.
There are a few things you can do to ensure that you are not single AND miserable this holiday season.
Duck, Dip, Dodge
Avoid any negative or self-loathing conversations with yourself or anyone else. When your aunt approaches and corners you with egg nog to inquire about your love life and offer tips how you can “get back out there” or “finally find someone if you fix yourself up a bit,” politely excuse yourself to get more pie. Having to explain why you are single as though it’s some sort of disease or curse isn’t fun for anyone. Single isn’t a curse and so you don’t have to explain why to anyone. Politely dip, duck and dodge those sticky conversations.
Get Out the House
It’s Christmas Eve and you resigned yourself to a pity party built for a queen, complete with snacks, wine, and romantic comedies that will send you into a flurry of feelings. Stop. Get up. Take off the pajama pants and get out the house. If you aren’t with family and friends during this holiday season, don’t sit around and wallow in being alone. There are plenty of people who need your help at a toy drive, soup kitchen, or even a nursing home. We attract into our life what we give out so show a little love and compassion to the less fortunate any time you are tempted to just sit in the house and pout.
No date? No problem.
Sure there will be 20 couples at the holiday party but you were invited and you should still go. Never let the idea of being the only one without a date drive you into being a hermit. Look good and show up. You never know if there’s another single person who decided to do the same thing. You’ll never meet someone if you don’t attempt to get out there and go for it. And don’t wait for your home girl or homeboy to go with you! Sometimes you’ve got to learn that you are fabulous and confident by yourself as much as you are in a group. Arrive single to the party and WERK it!
Host a party. Go to a nursing home and talk to the elders. Finally, visit your family again. Bake some cookies. Go to Bible study. Babysit for your married friends. Create activities in your life that will keep your mind off the fact you are single. The holidays can be an incredibly lonely time so you need to fill your space, heart and mind with activities that have purpose and fun. This is no different than any other day and the last thing you want to do is waste time being miserable and unproductive.
Stay Filled with Joy
Make up your mind that no matter how cold it gets, how many times someone asks why you are single, or how much it seems like everyone is married/dating but you, that you will be FILLED WITH JOY no matter what. Being comfortable and happy in your current position is the key to surviving the holidays without hitting someone with mistletoe. If you aren’t comfortable being alone and enjoying your own company, you’ll never find fulfillment from someone else. That comes from the inside.
Dee Rene is the author and creator of Laugh.Cry.Cuss. Check it out at http://laughcrycuss.com or @laughcrycuss
By Ashley Caprice
I called my grandpa recently to wish him a happy birthday and during the course of our hour-long conversation he managed to slip in the never-ending question, “So…do you have a boyfriend yet?” Dang! I thought we would be able to talk about sports, social issues, and family without bringing up that question…again. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case as he went on to say, “You’re approaching 30…You have to get a man.”
I understand my grandpa is older and that back in his day dating and marrying at a young age was common. But fast forward some decades and we’re now in an era where women are more independent. Men are not the sole providers and the only onesm“bringing home the bacon.” Women are advancing in their careers, making their own money, and supporting themselves. So we’re not necessarily in a rush to get married because we’re still living our own life. Though we will need our man…eventually. *Cues Jill Scott –The Fact Is “I need you…We need you.”
Of course I don’t always want to fall into the “Single, Educated Career Woman” category, but for now, I don’t mind being labeled as such. It’s not as though I’m dodging guys; I date. I’m completely aware that my job isn’t going to keep me warm at night, but right now I’m content. Wale said it best in his song, Ambitious Girl, “You just wanna win, and you’d rather chase your dreams, than to try to chase these men.”
Finally someone understands!
People ask about your relationship status and act as though you have a disease when you say, “I’m single.” It’s not that serious. I’ve been described as a career-driven woman so my focus is on growing and excelling in my industry first. Besides, I’m only in my twenties! And I believe my 20s is a time for me to date around. It’s my time to figure out what I want and what I do not want in a man. I’m also learning and understanding who I am. I’m recognizing my flaws and working to improve them. I’m building my career. I’m giving myself time to grow and mature mentally, emotionally and spiritually before I open my heart completely to a man.
Even married actress Paula Patton understands the conundrum that is women’s singleness. While speaking on a panel about her latest movie, Baggage Claim, she said, “People are very tough on women. It doesn’t matter that you have a successful career, you volunteer, hang with your nieces and nephews…it’s always ‘do you have a man and kids?’ as if everything else doesn’t matter.” I, along with many others, could totally relate to that statement. I do all of those things and people still ask about my invisible man. People always preach, “A man should not complete you, he should complement you,” but when people ask “do you have a boyfriend yet?” it implies that a woman is, in fact, not complete if she doesn’t have a man. Being in a relationship and having children does not define a woman’s whole existence. We are much more than that.
Once I’m in a relationship and married, I will spend the rest of my life building a foundation, a family and bond with someone else. But for now, I’m living for myself. So I’m speaking for the under 30, single, fabulous, working woman: do what’s best for you. Let life happen and don’t let others dictate what you should have in your life. One day my grandpa will be happy and see me with a great guy, but not now. As far as me getting in a relationship before I’m 30, I replied, “Well that gives me about 36 months, which is over 1,000 days, so I have plenty of time.”
From Single Black Male
Unfortunately, if you’ve played the dating game long enough you’ve probably (accidentally?) dated a married person or suspected you dated a committed/married person. You might not have any concrete evidence that they’re lying, but their actions don’t match their words. Maybe you can relate to this story.
Boy meets girl. Everything is going great. They claim to be single. They’re wonderful to hang out with – usually in awkward hours. They meet all of your needs and the rest of those superficial qualities you want in a mate. But, something just isn’t right about them. They have great text-based conversations between the hours of 8:01am – 4:59pm, THEN THEY FALL OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!
A quick story from my own personal well of experiences…
Young WIM – literally young, I was probably 23 or so and equally as dumb in the ways of the world. I met this woman off of BlackPlanet.com (strike one) and she tells me she’s “separated” (strike two). I wasn’t even familiar with the term. I just saw a pair of 28-year-old yams that I thought needed further investigation. Anywho, flash-forward to the first night we finally have a chance to meet due to her ever-changing, frequently erratic schedule (strike three).
Why did she have Young WIM ducking behind club pillars because her husband showed up? They were indeed legally “separated” but she left out the “he’s crazy, big and liable to kill you and everyone in this club” part.
*sigh* Women, be women-ing.
Because I feel like we’re family here, I can’t lie to y’all and say #SheWasTooFine.
But I can say #SheWasThick.
Read more at SingleBlackMale.org
Desperately seeking Prince Superman:
Requirements:Tall. Dashing. Handsome. Strong. Romantic. Thoughtful. Hot. Humble. Philanthropist.Rich. Loves his mother. Great in bed. Loves to give massages. Volunteers at the local shelter. Reads to the blind. Rocket Scientist. Six foot two. Perfect teeth. Always in a great mood. Loves cellulite. Buys flowers every Wednesday. Always has good breath. Has own private jet. Does the dishes. Exactly like my father. Exactly NOT like my father. Makes the bed. Has NO FLAWS WHATSOEVER.
The list goes on and on and on.
Unfortunately, I’m not making any of these up. These are examples of things I’ve heard from my women clients regarding what they want in a man. Of course, there are things on that list (and every girl’s list) that are perfectly appropriate and reasonable depending on unique, individual needs…but would you really rather be single and alone just because he forgot you prefer Oriental Lily’s and brought you Daisies instead?
Here’s the problem that I see time and time again…unrealistic expectations. It’s probably one of the top reasons many people have such a hard time finding the right person for them…because what Ms. Single and Looking defines as “Right” is actually completely “Wrong”!
So let’s look at this phenomenon a little more closely. Why do we have such unrealistic expectations to begin with? Where do these ideas come from? Who taught us that if it’s not“Happily Ever After” then it must not be “True Love”? Aside from the obvious cartoons we all watched with princesses, dwarves, and fairy tale creatures…we get our lessons in love from what we witness growing up. Of course there’s a bajillion and one messages people get from their families depending on the dynamics, parental relationship (or lack thereof), and ways we each interpret those messages as kids.
For example, if your mom constantly put your dad down and criticized him all the time, you might learn that women should emasculate men and men should be doormats. If your mom did everything for everyone else and always played the martyr (i.e.: never taking care of herself…whoasme), then you might learn that your own needs are not as important as everyone else (and you might end up with a man who needs a mommy for a partner). If your dad was always betraying your mom and she looked the other way and always tried to make it work, you might learn that women should put up with anything and let any and all indiscretions be OK.
Read more at YourTango.com
You tell yourself, “That will never be me” when you see the haggard looking woman across the street come out for her newspaper in the only thing you’ve ever seen her wear—her bathrobe. But she never thought that’d be her either! That’s because she missed these crucial signs that she was on her way to becoming a crazy cat lady.
From Single Black Male
It’s that time of year in the basketball world where free agency is upon us. A recent conversation with one of my cousins led to me explaining that free agents and single people have a lot in common. Today I’d like to share with you my long a** analogy. If you’re a sports fan like myself you’ll resonate with it seamlessly. If you’re not a sports fan, I hope I’m clear enough in my delivery. In any case, here goes it:
Being The Free Agent
I explained to my cousin that at some point or another we are star free agents in this game of love and lust. At some point in our careers (lives) we will be scouted and we will be sought after. As free agents we get to scope the scene, weigh options and then we make decisions. When you’re a star player you take many things into consideration. Truth be told some teams(prospective partners) are a better fit for you than others. But during this whole recruiting process (dating) you wonder as the player “What’s in it for me?” The teams seeking you are basically selling themselves to you. They will paint the greatest picture to entice you to go with them. No matter how well some teams try to make themselves look, you can still see some qualities in which you may not be interested.
Seeking The Free Agent
Now as the team seeking someone’s partnership or services, what picture are you painting? No team is perfect that’s a given, but what steps are you taking to become a winner? In this league of love and lust there are teams that are proven winners and teams that aren’t. Now what team are you? Are you the team that has been a proven winner? Or are you the team that hasn’t had a championship since the civil rights movement?(Cleveland) Or are you a team dedicated to winning and are taking steps to do so? Here’s a quick overview of the types of people we can classify ourselves as.
Read more at SingleBlackMale.com
Destiny’s Child in the house! This past week we got to chat with one part of the DC trio, Michelle Williams, at Essence Festival, and given the drama she’s had to deal with this year with black women in the industry, i.e., Keyshia Cole, we had just one question for the singer: how does she feel about black women and sisterhood.
Though Destiny’s Child seemed to always have a tight bond, we wondered how Michelle is making due as a solo artist and whether haters like Keyshia are the norm, or she has a supportive group of girls around her. Michelle also gave us a little background on her new single “If We Had Your Eyes” and told us she’s a big fan of MadameNoire (smile!). Check out her interview up top and if you haven’t heard her new single, listen to it below.
Many singles have a lot of misconceptions about how online dating works. As a dating coach for women over 40, I have come up with the most frequent mistaken ideas that need to be dispelled. Once you have a more accurate understanding of how the process works, your chances to connect will improve dramatically!
1. The steps required to find love online are not obvious.Most women think they already know everything needed to find love online, but that’s not often true. Assumptions cause daters to become disillusioned quickly. Take time to learn what works because online dating does require some skill to have good experiences.
2. There are so many choices that you can afford to be picky. Yes, there are millions of singles online and yet, I’ve had clients who viewed 5,000 profiles and couldn’t find more than five decent men to contact. It’s easy to disqualify men quickly. But, to find love, say yes to more men and actually meet them because dating is a numbers game. The more men you meet, the better your chances will be of finding a good match.
3. Your profile should say everything there is about you. This big misconception leads women to write long and boring profiles that men do not read. Your online dating profile is not your resume. It’s a form of advertising meant to capture a man’s attention so he emails you. You can fill him in about the rest later as you get to know each other.
Read more at YourTango.com
Women and men alike can fall into all sorts of dating traps. With everyone coming into relationships with different dating experiences, it’s not uncommon for someone to fall into a bad dating pattern and continue on with it out of habit. But that’s not what you want to so. So, here are 11 of the most common dating traps that people seem to fall into as well as four ways to avoid falling into them altogether.