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“You know you’re about to be grown, right? You are grown at 25, but when you turn 26 this month, that’s really it. Next is 30!”

My dear, dear, blunt friend told me that this morning. And while she smiled and went on her way, I was left with the nerve she hit. Not the last one, thankfully, but if I’m not careful I may only have a few left! Between wrestling through childhood struggles, figuring out what I want to do with my life, and being reminded of my singleness by all the weddings and baby showers, this past year I’ve been having a quarter-life crisis! And from the texts I get from my friends, I see I’m not alone.

I remember going to college full of hopes and dreams for my future, and graduating with a head full of doubt. Four years later, while I’ve had the opportunity to work with some talented people and had a great deal of fun along the way and still am, I often wonder whether I’ll ever get anywhere near where I dreamed I’d be in life. I’m getting to do what I love (writing) by way of different platforms, but doing what you love doesn’t always pay the bills. Every now and then I find myself on Indeed.com considering applying for a full-time job somewhere I don’t want to work, so that I can stop living the life of a starving artist with supportive parents. I want to be able to pay my bills, give gracefully to my church and other organizations, save, shop, eat good and travel like other grown folks.  Well, I do some of that now, but I want to be able to without praying for a freelance or babysitting gig afterwards to make up for the money I just spent treating myself. I want to live comfortably. But I also want to do what I love. Is that asking too much? I mean who buys cake not to eat it too?

Maybe it’s my parents’ fault. Yeah, that’s it. They spoiled us, especially me. Now, I can’t imagine having to work somewhere I don’t want to. Then again, I blame all the famous people on television that say you can do anything you put your mind to.  Or maybe it’s the (false) prosperity gospel teaching that made me think naming and claiming was the key to unlocking my dreams. Better yet, all the positive thinking speakers and authors sold me some false hope too by giving my words more power than they actually have. None of these people sent a memo to the economy, employers, or my future husband that they were suppose to give me what I desire.

But wait, I’m 25, so I can’t really blame anyone else for what I decide to believe, can I? I can choose what to believe now about success—namely that success is not defined by status. If I’m supposed to be a janitor, then being a CEO is beneath me. That might sound strange, but success is determined by purpose and purpose is prescribed by God. And if you’ve ever heard any Bible stories, then you know God’s purposes are quite different than ours and His means are always unconventional. I could be right where He wants me to be, but too busy looking at where other people are to appreciate and invest where He has me. Now, don’t get me wrong, because of my spoiled upbringing, I do have to check my laziness and be sure that I’m not actually hindering myself. And I should dream and set goals that seem far-fetched, because I don’t know what might be in-store for me. But I also have to pursue contentment in the here and now. I have to embrace the truth that contentment is not about having what you want; it’s about wanting what you have.

Here’s to 26 and whatever it has in store!

Caresse Spencer is a writer for urban and Christian culture by way of Reach Records, Blueprint Church and the Rebuild Network who is currently working on a campaign (All is Vanity) with artist/songwriter Natalie Lauren to help women discover the best path towards getting more out of life. Check out her website CaresseDionne.com and follow her randomness on Twitter @caressedionne

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The gym isn’t like a singles bar: completely different rules apply to what you wear, how you speak, how you move, and in general what the etiquette is. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a great place to meet guys. Hey, the endorphins are already pumping, might as well take advantage!

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It comes and it goes like the sun in this unpredictable weather in Atlanta. Or you wake up with it, and it’s still waiting under your covers when you lie down at night. It doesn’t care if the next day it keeps you locked in your room, neglecting your responsibilities. Nor does it have any respect for the Summer and all the fun others will have once it arrives. Even amidst your Brand New season of life it can show up on the scene and promptly rain on your parade. In a room full of people, its presence can be just as real. And regardless of how many virtual friends you have retweeting and liking you, this can bring you to tears.

It is the feeling of loneliness.

It crept right up on me recently. The lonely feeling always comes first, but I tend to miss it focusing on the byproducts — like being bothered that my friend didn’t respond to my text last night, which isn’t normally a big deal. Or cuing up my R&B playlist on Spotify and putting my headphones on as my friends and I made our way back from a long road trip. Like why I couldn’t imagine getting a job in another state even if it was my dream job. Or stressing out over whether a friend is going to forgive me after the argument we just had. Or like looking to someone, (in my case) a female friend, to keep me feeling happy and loved and wondering why my emotions were skydiving every day.

All those thoughts, feelings and fears ran through me because I was lonely then and sometimes I am now. Talking to a good friend the other day, I realized I wasn’t alone in that. She could recall clinging to a best friend back in high school and how much it had crushed her when that friend made a new friend and abandoned her. Sure she was hurt and her friend had done her wrong, but I realized that if she only focused on her friend’s behavior, she’d miss something telling about her own. Why had she put so much stock in that one friend? I didn’t have to ask. I’ve done it with three different friends in the last eight years. And where did it start?

My feeling of loneliness.

Why do we sometimes get mad at our girlfriends for not being the besties we want them to be or feel like they’re using us? Because we want more. (We probably want a man.) Why though? Because we feel lonely. Why does being single feel like the end of the world and being in a relationship seems like the best life has to offer? Because we feel lonely. Why can’t you go pursue a job or some new adventure in another state? Because you feel lonely in the one you’re in, but at least you have a few good friends and a family nearby—too risky to lose that safety net. Why do women begin reconsidering (lowering) their standards for men after a while?

Because we feel lonely.

Sometimes we think we’re being strong by telling ourselves the opposite…”I don’t feel lonely.” But denial is always a disservice. While our state of being may not be real, the feelings are; so, we need to acknowledge that truth. Otherwise it will manifest itself in other forms. For example, I finally discovered why I love films based around love stories so much. I’d told myself that I was content in my singleness, when in reality, my movie and TV show preferences were telling me otherwise! Seems harmless, but I’m using fiction to compensate for my real loneliness! If unchecked, that could spiral into something darker. So, yes that feeling of loneliness is a real feeling. No need to front.

But there is another truth about our real state of being. You are not actually alone. Look around. (Speaking to myself.) There are tons of people around you, whether you know them or not. They are there. And, if you’re like me, you know many of them, but you’re trapped in your own feelings of loneliness. “Loneliness has become your defense against loneliness.” As if that makes any sense.  Or you’re scared to talk to strangers, because you bypassed the memo that that’s only a rule for kids and girls out late at night. So what one of your friends can’t hang tonight? Call another one! So what you’re single? Grab a Redbox movie for you and your girls to watch Friday night. Go volunteer somewhere. Take the focus off of you and your feelings, and care for someone else. Then again, even get comfortable with just you, yourself, and you.

While surrounding yourself with other people, entering into a relationship, picking up a hobby, or doing something else more active with others can effectively calm those lonely feelings and thoughts, we also must not become codependent on other people and things for our happiness. That’s why we feel lonely in the first place! We must establish a solid foundation within our own selves. As C.S. Lewis said, ‎”Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose, only upon [that which] will never pass away.” So, next time those feelings rise up, acknowledge them, so you can take them captive. And tell yourself a truth deeper than you may even realize–”I am never alone.”

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Rules were meant to be broken, and this applies especially to matters of love and dating. When it comes to getting what you want out of relationships, sitting around and calculating methodic ways to do so—and considering what everyone else tells you to do—not only makes life move far too slowly, but often ends up confusing your partner/boyfriend/date. In the pursuit of being authentic, please disregard these long outdated rules.

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In your mind the relationship is over. Something irreparable has gone wrong, and you’re ready to go your own way. However, before you can officially make yourself a single lady, you’ll have to first breakup with your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. When it comes to breaking up, there are some dos and don’ts that you’ll want to keep in mind, otherwise you’ll end up complicating things and making a bad situation even worse. Here are 14 breakup etiquette tips.

Well, it didn’t take long for the internet to get their hands on this song.

Last night, we told you that Ray J was going to release a song on April 8th called “I Hit It First.” Based on the album art, it is a sort of diss song aimed at his ex, Kim Kardashian.

And here it is.  The song can pretty much be summed up in one word: silly.  Truthfully, the only thing you can do is listen to it and laugh. In fact, Ray J tweeted, “LOL have some fun! Its not that serious.” We know that, sir, because not one person thinks your music career is about to blow up over this track.

“If you were to come back to me, girl I know just how you’d you do me/And if you were to come back to me, girl I know just why you’d choose/And if you were to come back to me, I’ll get it wet jacuzzi (??)/And if you were to come back to me, we’ll make another movie…”

As the song fades, Ray is also “singing” one line over and over: “I put her on, I put her on, I put her on-n-n-n-n-n-n…”

The only thing we can say is listen for yourself and get a full laugh. Ray J is a fool for this one; a pressed fool, but a fool indeed.

So…what do you think of “I Hit It First?”

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Kelly Rowland should be really excited: she’s been busy hosting red carpet shows for major awards shows and she’s prepping for a new album.

Rowland’s new album, Talk A Good Game, is due out in June and much like her last album, she has some heavy hitters putting their stamps on songs with hopes of her cranking out hits.  Her first single, “Kiss Down Below” was produced by Mile WiLL Made It (or just Mike Will) and is slowly picking up steam.  Also confirmed on the album? Tracks produced by Boy Wonder, The Dream and Pharrell, who, as usual, also lends his voice in vocals.  Kelly says the album will be very soulful and straight up R&B music.

But that’s not all. Kelly told Billboard that one of the songs on the album produced by Pharrell will feature her Destiny’s Child sisters, Beyoncé and Michelle. But don’t get it twisted: this is not a reunion.  As Kelly simply put it:

“It’s not a Destiny’s Child track, it’s me featuring Beyoncé and Michelle.”

Kelly told not only Billboard but Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club that the album is really about her getting to a very honest place. She has no problem “going there” in order to reveal her feelings about a lot of subjects, whether it be life, relationships or sex.

Hopefully, Talk A Good Game will give Kelly the musical boost in the United States she seems to be seeking.  While her 2011 single “Motivation” was a hit, the album it was featured on, Here I Am, has still only sold about 270,000 copies.

Good luck to the gorgeous Kelly Rowland!

Are you a fan? Why do you think she isn’t a bigger artist at this point?

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It’s not only the birds and the bees that feel like doing a little cross-polinating once the sun comes out. Spring has arrived and the warmth and colors of everything blooming naturally make you feel happier. And it’s even more natural to want to enhance that happiness by sharing it with somebody else. So how do you use this vibrant time of the year to your advantage to meet men? Try this.

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“I’ve learned to be content in whatever state I am in, for the state I think I desire may not be what I imagine it to be…” –Liz Lampkin

How many times do we hear “I can’t wait to be married” or “I wish I was single again…”? Or how about “I love my husband, but I wish I would’ve waited to get married,” or my personal favorite, “Being single in today’s world is not easy”? Why do we hear these things from women? Why are there so many women who are married but wish they were single again, and why are there so many women who are single that can’t wait to be married? The answers are simple…the married women who wish they were single again did not enjoy their single life, and they might have married for the wrong reasons, so they don’t see the true value or know the purpose for being married; and single women who are rushing to the altar have a jaded view of what it takes to be and stay married, and they don’t see the value in being single.

For many years, women have been tying the knot for a number of reasons. Some of those reasons include  marrying a man for status and money, marrying because they are pregnant, and so on and so forth. While some may view these reasons for marriage as valid, I think if more women married because they want to fulfill their purpose in the world with the man that was designed specifically for them, then more marriages would last. I also believe that if more women would see the value in being single, they would not rush to the altar. Marriage is a sacred union that should be entered into with much prayer and spiritual preparation. It should be handled and valued with care and caution because it is a gift that is often misused and skewed. If more women would spend time during their single life discovering who they are and living out their purpose in being single, rather than spending a bulk of the time desiring a mate and marriage, when and if the time finally comes for them to be married, they will appreciate it.

I’ve learned that one of the primary reasons many women desire marriage is because they don’t want to be lonely, but unfortunately, marriage is not the cure for loneliness. I know a number of women who are married, but they are lonelier than many single women. Being married is a blessing just as much as being single is a blessing. Both life seasons have a distinct purpose for everyone involved directly and indirectly, you just have to be prayerful and positive during both stages of life.

For the married women who wish they were single again, take some time to reflect on your marriage and the good things that have come from it, and be grateful for your husband. Even if he is not the man you think he should be, he is the man you chose to marry. Even if you think you’ve made a mistake, or rushed in too soon, hang in there. Learn from the mistake you made and help others not to do the same. For the single women who wish they were married, talk to a happily married woman who has been with her partner for more than 20 years. Ask her what their secret is to staying happily married for so long. Take intricate notes and reflect on them. When you’ve reflected on the notes and the conversation, ask yourself are you really ready to do what it takes to be this kind of wife, and not simply a married woman, because there is a difference that not many women realize. As I stated previously, being married is a blessing, and being single is a blessing as well. Both seasons of life should be valued and appreciated. Learn to be content in whatever season of life you are in with relationships, because the season you desire may not be the spring and summer you imagine it to be.

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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From Your Tango

By Alan Roger Currie

Whenever I engage in conversations with single men and women about dating and relationships, all I hear is whining and complaining directed at the behavior of the opposite sex.

Many women in today’s society will say, “I don’t need a man; I am fine just by myself.” To them I say: No, you are not. We were not given the opportunity to experience life on earth to be happy at home by ourselves. Men in today’s society will say, “I am never getting married. Marriage is for losers.”  But no, marriage is not for losers. I know many winners who love being married and have been married for many years.

So, why is there so much animosity and resentment among singles today?  Here’s the short answer to that question: It’s due to the increased prevalence of both premarital sex and short-term non-monogamous “casual” sex. In previous centuries, men and women always had their share of philosophical differences related to love, sex, dating and relationships, but members of both genders generally got along. Why? Because prior to the popularity of modern day birth control methods, men and women typically waited until marriage to have sex.

Read more on YourTango.com.