All Articles Tagged "single"

Why Are People Bothered By Your Singleness?

August 13th, 2014 - By Kendra Koger
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I remember the first time it happened.  Pay attention closely, because you might not realize you’re in this same predicament until it’s too late.  So here are the warning signs:

First, everyone is going to stop doing whatever they are doing after the question is asked.  Second, their eyes are going to widen and they’re going to lean in to you with bated breath.  Finally, the air is going to go stale around you and the ground is going to open up if you don’t have a good enough answer for them, so be prepared to jump in… or that’s what I wished I could have done EVERY. SINGLE. TIME someone demanded to know:  “Why are you single?”

The time that I mentioned earlier, happened in high school.  My best friend at the time invited me to hang out with her, her boyfriend, his roommate, and his girlfriend (someone else who went to high school with us) while they bar-b-cued.  After all the games and practical jokes were out of the way, Peggy’s* boyfriend asked me:  “Kendra, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

All the fun stopped, and suddenly I was the center of unwanted attention.  “Um… I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it.”  I thought that that would have been it, but then he persisted, and then everyone else joined in almost demanding to know why I was single.

The pressure, my goodness.  The pressure.

But I felt better when I read Erica Renee’s “Annoying Misconceptions About Single Women”  and felt myself nodding through the whole thing.  But once I was done, it also made me sad because why is this a topic that needs to be discussed?  Why is it that people are so quick to throw a misconception on a single person than actually ask them and probably get a true answer from them anyway?

Just like at the bar-b-cue, I was having a great time.  I didn’t even notice that people were paired off because I was enjoying the company.   But then the fun got sucked out of patio when they started demanding to know “what is your deal?!”  Or that time I was at a wedding, and at the reception someone told me to “hang in there, that’ll be you next.”  Or after someone asked me why wasn’t I dating after I left my husband and they told me:  “You shouldn’t give up on yourself.”  I wanted to yell:  “I’M NOT!”  How did you equate me taking some time to myself, giving up on me?!?!  I LOVE ME!

After periodic years questioning I began to wonder myself:  “Well, why aren’t I dating?  Am I giving off some type of no-man vibe?”

Once the questions began to turn to criticism I had to shut myself down and remind myself that my singleness wasn’t affecting me, only other people who were too preoccupied with it.  Who cares if other people are uncomfortable with me being single, because I’ve never been!

Honestly, I LOVE it!  Not saying that I have closed myself off from ever wanting to be with someone, but I’m not going to rush it just because people expect me to.  I’m honestly enjoying life right now.  If I’m happy, then be happy for me.

Also, to all single people, please don’t allow someone to push you into a relationship you’re not ready for just so they can stop feeling sorry for you.  Truth of the matter is, they’re not going to be there when you go through the emotional pitfalls of a failed relationship because you weren’t ready to to be in it.  Most of the time it’s someone trying to live vicariously through you anyway.

Be happy, whether you’re single, actively looking, or actively not.  Plus, how can you truly enjoy being with someone else if you can’t even enjoy being with yourself?

Kendra Koger enjoys dropping knowledge and the occasional tweet @kkoger.

 

Single In The Summer: 15 New Adventures To Try This Season

June 23rd, 2014 - By Courtney Whitaker
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Every summer, we partake in our favorite activities and enjoy the warm weather. However, this summer we’ve created 15 new adventures we challenge every single young women to do! If you’ve already done some of them, sound off in our comment section! Enjoy the summer ladies!

 

 

 

Marriage Isn’t Everything: Why Little Girls Aren’t Taught To Grow Up And Be Single

May 27th, 2014 - By Liz Lampkin
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Ladies, when you were growing up, or even now as an adult, how many of you remember hearing your mother, aunt, grandmother or another influential woman in your life ask or say to you, “When are you gonna get married?” “Are you seeing anyone special?” “Now, sweetie, you’ve gotta learn how to cook. You know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…” Or my personal favorites: “You gotta know how to keep a clean house for your husband!” and “Always go out looking your best, you never know who’s out there looking for a wife.” While I do believe this advice is valuable for women so that we can learn these skills for survival and take personal pride in ourselves, I don’t think these things should be valued and viewed as ways to secure a husband and find happiness.

When growing up, little girls are not taught certain tricks of the trade to just live independently and be single, but they are often taught to learn certain things in preparation for marriage. Why is this? Why are girls trained up to be wives more so then women who can be happy single? The answer is simple: Some people tend to view single women as less valuable than those who are married, and this is because society has the tendency to place a higher emphasis on people living happily ever after together rather than them simply living happily ever after by themselves. Not only that, but friends and family members often make a huge deal out of a person’s long-term happiness based on having a significant other by asking questions like, “Don’t you want to grow old with somebody?” or “Don’t you think you need someone to spend the rest of your life with?” While they mean well, they let you know right away that they think you should be married and not single, however, the reality of it all is that everyone is not destined to be married, and even if a woman does get married, there is no guarantee that she and her husband will grow old together. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for happy marriages and relationships, but at some point in life a person will live in singleness whether they have been taught how to live in it or not.

So how does a person live in singleness and be happy? Or better yet, as mothers, aunts, teachers and mentors of growing girls, how do we teach them the skills they need to live and be a lady without the underlying message of marriage?

The first thing to do is talk about being single or married with a positive attitude. Many women talk about marriage with a different tone than they do about being single. They often make it seem as though your life has little to no meaning, or they may imply that you won’t be happy unless you’re married. I believe if more women would learn to see equal happiness in both options, there wouldn’t be any pressure on single women to seek a ring by any means necessary.

Next, older women should teach younger women the value of being a single woman and let them know that their happiness lies within who they are first, and that no man or marriage will give that to them.

Lastly, single women should set positive examples of how to live a productive life as an unmarried woman and stop complaining about being single! It is a gift that is often overlooked because we were never taught to appreciate it, but if all you see and hear about are the woes of singlehood, how will young women know what to look forward to from that aspect of life?

While transitioning through life from a child to an adolescent into adulthood, there are a number of valuable lessons that will be learned along life’s journey that will stick with us. But the one lesson that all women should take with them and should be taught is to be content in whatever state you are in, because you won’t move forward to greater things until you’re purely happy with where you are. Were you taught to live the single life growing up, or was marriage the forefront of your lessons?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

Things You Realize You’ve Missed Once You Become Single — Like Not Shaving Every Day

March 17th, 2014 - By Julia Austin
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The first few days (or weeks) after a breakup you’re certain that the split was nothing but a bad thing. All you can focus on is what you lost. But, eventually, you start to remember the little things that make being single not so bad. In fact, there are things you missed while in a relationship!

 

 

 

 

Fun In The Sun! Michael B. Jordan Spotted On Miami Beach With A Mystery Woman!

January 26th, 2014 - By Drenna Armstrong
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"Michael B. Jordan pf"

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First, let’s point out how we’re in the middle of winter and battling freezing temperatures and constant snow in many states, but Michael B. Jordan and his lady friend are kicking it in Miami shirtless and in a bikini, respectively, down in Florida.

But I digress.

The Fruitvale Station and That Awkward Moment star was spotted this weekend in Miami with a young lady very close by the entire time. The two hit the beach for some sun and jet skiing.

"Michael B. Jordan pf"

AKM-GSI

Now ladies, I know that some of you have already claimed Michael as “yours” and he’s been saying that he’s single so don’t let these pictures deter you. Yes, she looks like she’s cute and she appears to have a great body and this is the first woman he’s been spotted with since he and his ex-girlfriend broke up, but what does that mean? I’ll tell you: not a thing! As far as we’re concerned, he’s still up for grabs.

Anyway, check out a couple more pictures of Michael and his “friend” as they enjoy that beautiful Miami weather and water.

"Michael B. Jordan pf"

AKM-GSI

 

"Michael B. Jordan pf"

AKM-GSI

14 Crazy Thoughts You’ll Think If You’re Single New Year’s Eve

December 31st, 2013 - By Julia Austin
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Single New Year's Eve

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Come New Years Eve at midnight, there is a big magical moment and you’re either inside of it or you feel very, very outside of it. And where do you go when you feel left out? In your head, of course. Here are 14 crazy thoughts you’re likely to have if you’re single New Year’s Eve.

You Better Not Pout, I’m Telling You Why: The Benefits Of Being Single During The Holidays

December 23rd, 2013 - By Ashley Page
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Source: Shutterstock

With the holiday season in full swing now, it’s not uncommon to see couples out shopping, ice skating, and sitting in front of a fireplace being all romantic and such. As a single woman you may find that you’re not completely able to truly enjoy the holidays because you don’t have a man. While you may not believe it, you don’t have to be in a relationship to enjoy the season and have fun during these times. In fact, there are some true perks. Here are 14 benefits of being single during the holidays.

40 And Still Single…One Isn’t the Loneliest Number After All

December 13th, 2013 - By Ezinne Ukoha
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Source: Shutterstock

I always thought that by the age of 30 I would be comfortably immersed in blissful domesticity. But alas! I just hit the big 4-0 and my proposed agenda is currently undergoing major revisions.

There have been moments of intense dissection on my part and I have spared no expense when it comes to carefully peeling off the layers in an effort to expose the reasons why I am still a single gal.

I have also endured the repercussions that come with being labeled an “old maid” and I have to admit that there were many nights that I lay awake staring into the darkness imagining what it would be like if I had the perfect specimen lying beside me.

But despite intervals of self-doubt and the ravings of my frustrated parents, I have come to realize that being unattached isn’t the most tragic experience I will go through. It could be a lot worse.

I seem to have a knack for summoning deep thoughts from people that I am not particularly close to and this allows me to be privy to certain information that ordinarily would be reserved for a valued confidant. Due to my unrestrained access I have been able to arm myself with the knowledge necessary to assuage my fears of being single and alone forever. Of course I would love to have a dedicated and loving partner who I can eagerly share my life with but at the same time I am not willing to sign on the dotted lines until I get the green light.

I seem to be surrounded my women either younger than me or a little older who are in seasoned marriages that don’t seem to be living up to the fairytale images that we all have conjured up in our consciousness. As we all know, there is no such thing as a “perfect relationship” but when the fundamentals are absent, that’s when the foundation starts cracking, sometimes beyond repair. I always thought that the one amazingly gratifying thing about being betrothed is the security of having someone that has your back, who you can open up to without reservation, and most importantly, someone who will be a source of comfort and encouragement, especially during challenging times. But after assessing the reports from my partnered up counterparts, I have come to the conclusion that one may not be the loneliest number after all. You can have a better half and still feel completely alone and misunderstood, and yearn for the yesteryears when you were still searching but also reliant on your supporting cast. For me the core of a relationship is being able to trust the other person to lift me up when I am down, and to have the instinctual tendencies to recognize the signs when I am nearing a mental breakdown or overwhelmed with everyday chores.

But in reality that might be too much to ask and perhaps it is a good thing that I have waited this long to commit because my expectations wont be ridiculously high and I will be prepared for the periods of disappointment and loneliness, which isn’t a bad thing.

It just reassures me of the fact that I was a step ahead in the game of single vs. taken, and for now I am quite content and will proudly declare my status without hesitation. My best days are NOW.

 

 

I’m A Single Mother And Feel Like A Disappointment To My Kids

December 6th, 2013 - By Madame Noire
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Source: Shutterstock

 

From Essence 

Dr. Sherry,

I am a 34-year-old female and I’ve been working at a firm for 13 years and I’m not even making $30, 000 a year. I have two children and I can hardly pay for their tuition and my others bills every month. I have bad credit and I am drowning in debt. I feel that no matter how I try I can’t see my way out of all this debt. I live in a studio apartment that I rent from my parents (when I can afford to pay them) and neither of my kids have their own room or space. What hurts even more is that when my parents need my help financially I can barely help myself much less to help them.

I feel like such a disappointment to my kids, my parents and myself. I have been feeling so bad for the past five months that I am wondering if
I am falling into depression. I feel that I am not worthy of happiness or anything good. Do you know how it feels for your kids to want to do the simplest of things on the weekends and you can’t afford it? How can I get my life back? Where do I go from here? Honestly, if I continue on this pathway of life I really don’t know where I am going to end up emotionally.

Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com 

Single Around The Holidays? Here’s How To Cope

December 6th, 2013 - By Dee Rene
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iStockphoto

“So, why are you still single? have you met anyone ?” – every family member, every holiday, every year.

Most of society will tell you singleness and the holidays are two things that just don’t mix but you try to make it work every now and again, like plaids shirts and stripped pants.  Whether you are the last single friend or the last single family member, someone is going to ask you this question. It’s up to you to approach the holidays with a good spirit and deck the halls with joy or misery.

There are a few things you can do to ensure that you are not single AND miserable this holiday season.

Duck, Dip, Dodge

Avoid any negative or self-loathing conversations with yourself or anyone else. When your aunt approaches and corners you with egg nog to inquire about your love life and offer tips how you can “get back out there” or “finally find someone if you fix yourself up a bit,” politely excuse yourself to get more pie. Having to explain why you are single as though it’s some sort of disease or curse isn’t fun for anyone. Single isn’t a curse and so you don’t have to explain why to anyone. Politely dip, duck and dodge those sticky conversations.

Get Out the House

It’s Christmas Eve and you resigned yourself to a pity party built for a queen, complete with snacks, wine, and romantic comedies that will send you into a flurry of feelings. Stop. Get up. Take off the pajama pants and get out the house. If you aren’t with family and friends during this holiday season, don’t sit around and wallow in being alone. There are plenty of people who need your help at a toy drive, soup kitchen, or even a nursing home. We attract into our life what we give out so show a little love and compassion to the less fortunate any time you are tempted to just sit in the house and pout.

No date? No problem.

Sure there will be 20 couples at the holiday party but you were invited and you should still go. Never let the idea of being the only one without a date drive you into being a hermit. Look good and show up. You never know if there’s another single person who decided to do the same thing. You’ll never meet someone if you don’t attempt to get out there and go for it. And don’t wait for your home girl or homeboy to go with you! Sometimes you’ve got to learn that you are fabulous and confident by yourself as much as you are in a group. Arrive single to the party and WERK it!

Get Busy

Host a party. Go to a nursing home and talk to the elders. Finally, visit your family again. Bake some cookies. Go to Bible study. Babysit for your married friends. Create activities in your life that will keep your mind off the fact you are single. The holidays can be an incredibly lonely time so you need to fill your space, heart and mind with activities that have purpose and fun. This is no different than any other day and the last thing you want to do is waste time being miserable and unproductive.

Stay Filled with Joy

Make up your mind that no matter how cold it gets, how many times someone asks why you are single, or how much it seems like everyone is married/dating but you, that you will be FILLED WITH JOY no matter what. Being comfortable and happy in your current position is the key to surviving the holidays without hitting someone with mistletoe. If you aren’t comfortable being alone and enjoying your own company, you’ll never find fulfillment from someone else. That comes from the inside.

Dee Rene is the author and creator of Laugh.Cry.Cuss. Check it out at http://laughcrycuss.com or @laughcrycuss