Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

With all the talk about people slowing down their baby making because of the economy and the decrease in marriage—and the inherent headaches we know come with child rearing—it was sort of assumed that childless adults are happier than parents but that’s not necessarily the case.

Two new studies presented at the Population Association of America’s annual meeting on almost 130,000 adults, 52,000 of which are parents, shows parents today may actually be happier than non-parents. And even though parental happiness levels drop some, they don’t fall to what they were before having children.

“We find no evidence that parental well-being decreases after a child is born to levels preceding the children, but we find strong evidence that well-being is elevated when people are planning and waiting for the child, and in the year when the child is born,” according to the study presented by co-author Mikko Myrskylä of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, Germany.

So basically having a child doesn’t mean your life is over like some adults think.

Another study had a slightly different finding. Among some 120,000 adults from two nationally representative surveys between 1972-2008, parents were indeed less happy than non-parents in the decade 1985-95, but parents from 1995 to 2008 were happier. According to co-author Chris Herbst of Arizona State University, what’s happened is happiness among non-parents has declined, making parents happier in comparison. Although the evidence isn’t clear as to whether the average parent today is less happy than someone without kids, he says what’s “undeniable, however, is that parents have become relatively happier than non-parents over the past few decades.”

The age you decide to have children has some effect on the level of happiness. Those who become parents at younger ages have a downward happiness trend, while postponing parenthood results in a higher happiness level after the birth—although researchers say that doesn’t mean women should wait until very delayed ages to procreate. The number of children one has may also play a part. According to Myrskylä:

“The first child increases happiness quite a lot. The second child a little. The third not at all.”

So much for the benefits of being the baby in the family.

Are you happier as a parent than you were without kids?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Source: Zimbio.com

I think Toni Braxton may be going through some sort of Mariah Carey-I don’t know my real age phase (said with love) because at 44, the singer is still putting on this sexually-inexperienced, non-romantically liberated persona when it comes to relationships and it just seems odd.

In an interview with The Huffington Post, the six-time Grammy Award winner said now that her latest album is almost complete, she’s embarking on a new challenge:

“I’m trying to get comfortable with my inner Slore,” she said speaking on her love life. “The inner Slore does not just date one person, does she?” I have to find out if it’s in me!”

Way to set women back a few centuries with the idea that a lady dating more than one person is a you know what. Making the dating game seem way more complicated than it needs to be, Toni added:

“It’s a work in progress. I was married for all those years. Now I’m getting out there and dating and figuring out sex. Everyone says you have to wait this long, and some people say you can do it whenever you want. I’m trying to get comfortable with that part.”

When the interviewer suggested that Toni would know when the time is right (go figure), she agreed.

“That’s what they say. When you’re comfortable, you can [have sex] whenever; there are no rules. There are no five dinners anymore. It may be one dinner.”

Considering Toni’s goal to become sexually liberated, it makes sense she’d look to someone who is clearly about that life. When the Huff Post asked her which younger artists she admires, she said none other than miss “cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.”

“My favorite of all the girls is Rihanna. I love her,” Toni said. “She’s not afraid of her sexuality. I think in our generation — and not that I’m a million years older than her or anything — but we could only take sexuality to a point. The brave one was Madonna. She did it. She got beat up a lot for it, but she didn’t care. She broke down the original barriers.”

Checking to see whether Toni wants to break down her supposed prudish walls for a current beau or if she’s on the market, the Huff Post asked her about a few romantic rumors she’s been linked to lately. When it comes to Eddie Murphy she said they’re absolutely just friends and as far as playing in the snow goes, she’s over it.

“I went out with the “Snowflake” for a second. It was something to get me out there. It was my transitional thing. I hate to say that,” Toni said.

Whatever Toni is on romantically, we’re sure to see evidence of it in her upcoming album. “Heartstrings & Synagogue Vibes” is expected to be released next month and the most famous of the Braxton clan says the sound is “different.”

“I’m going to push the envelope a little. Not for anyone else but for myself. I’m feeling kind of s[w]exy. I’m going to be a little more freelance with my sexiness.”

Guess we’ll have to wait and see what you get when you mix 2012 Rihanna with 1990s Toni Braxton.

What do you think about Toni’s interview? Is she taking this whole dating thing too seriously?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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There’s a new book by North Philadelphia Pastor Jomo K. Johnson titled Call Tyrone: Why Black Women Should Remain Single Or… that’s causing a little buzz around the Internet. The book comes from the same preacher who wrote the controversial 2010 article, How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely, in which he talks about single christian women being exploited by men in the church, which is why I find this book that appears to do the same so interesting.

What Pastor Johnson claims is a new perspective on the traumatic life of the single black christian woman sounds no different from the Think Like a Man types that we’ve already blown through and dismissed—if you couldn’t already figure that out from the title. At first, the pastor gives this description of the book:

“First and foremost, [I] have a desire to inform and educate all women that they are precious and priceless in the sight of God,” he said. “Because of that, a woman shouldn’t lower herself in any way. In the book what I seek to do is exalt and extol the value of singleness; how it can be a gift of God [and] how it is a blessed gift. The Lord Jesus was single, and he was able to embrace his singleness and use it for the purpose of ministry. I also point to women in history who have given their lives in singleness and really thought to serve others. Singleness is something that the Bible really condones and promotes.”

But somewhere around the end he begins to encourage women to date interracially and then claims the book isn’t only for the lonely female types on the front pew:

“This book also serves as a wake-up call to African-American men who aren’t taking care of their own lives, [and] who aren’t seeking to be faithful or responsible to African-American women in their community.”

I’m pretty sure if none of us were born with fingers or toes we would still have more extremities than the number of men who are going to pick up a book titled Call Tyrone that is giving advice to black women about dating. If this pastor really wanted to help single women in the church find some husbands how about writing a book and engaging in some outreach to get those brothers inside the sanctuary.

Too often the church is guilty of sending mixed messages about being a single woman in church. I’ve often half-facetiously joked with the girls in my age group at the church I grew up in that if I get to be 35 and unmarried I’m just going to stop coming to church. It wouldn’t be because I couldn’t stand to be alone it would be because I couldn’t stand to be one of the women I see now who are singled out like a Beyonce single ladies video and hooked up with the one single man who enters the church every year. You can’t tell women not to be upset about being alone because we’re designed for companionship, then tell them it’s a blessing to be single like Jesus, and then act as though if they don’t throw themselves naked on the altar when the gates of heaven open and a single man happens to wander his way into a pew they’re not right.

I’ve seen the instances of the same five or six women being hooked up with the same brother over and over again. The matchmaking attempts are shameless and they won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus. Within one minute of being two feet from a single man someone will run up on him saying, Hi this is X, she’s single. You should go out. If there’s nothingbad about being single what’s with the sense of urgency to marry a woman off every chance they get? There seems to be an assumption that women aren’t just checking their watches in church to see when the preacher will be done with his sermon, they must also be watching their biological clocks tick toc by.

Simply going by the description this pastor has given of his own book I see no separation from the Steve Harvey ilk which is a shame. It would be refreshing for someone to only focus on the benefits of being a single woman and the rewards to your ministry. All you have to do is look at 1 Corinthians chapter 7 to read Paul’s thoughts on that. But somehow with this effort the group that is supposed to be set apart from the rest of the world sounds just like it, mimicking the same old tired meme about dating outside of one’s race while making assumptions about everyone’s desire to get married. I guess Pastor Johnson didn’t get the memo that we left that in 2011.

It completely makes sense that this preacher would write a book for women, that’s the audience in his pews every Sunday, but he certainly gets no points in my book while focusing on the flock instead of the sheep that got away. There’s a reason there aren’t any single men in the church and maybe Steve Harvey, Pastor Johnson, and Michael Baisden can put their heads together on that issue and the rest will fall into place.

Do you think the church places too much emphasis trying to hook up single women while telling them be content in the same breath?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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examiner.com

So, you’ve been seeing each other for quite a while now and you’re not sure of what to expect next. You’ve been very intimate, met his family, and by now, you’re really feeling him. What’s missing? A title for your “relationship” is what’s missing. He just doesn’t want to be serious right now and he thought that you understood that from the very beginning.

Situations like this happen often. The two of you started out as friends or maybe just bed buddies. The next thing you know, there are talks of future plans, but this man still makes it clear that he’s not ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. Those are mixed signals, right? This is not your average friend with benefits situation. The greatest issue is that you’re invested. You’re so invested, that if he decided to go out with the next chick or never call you again, you’d probably be devastated. In this type of “union,” the heartache is constant. Anyone looking forward to monogamy should exit stage left when it comes to this particular kind of guy.

There’s no mystery as to why the two of you remained “just friends” for so long. He has made you his make-shift girlfriend. He may have even added a full disclosure clause. If either one of you sleep with someone else, you have to let the other know. He hasn’t told you that he’s slept with someone else and he’s your only partner, so things are looking up.  That setup almost feels secure. However, here is your official status: You are not his woman. In your eyes, he will change his mind, and one day soon he’ll be ready. That day wasn’t yesterday. It won’t be tomorrow and for sure, not the day after that. The truth is, he’s keeping his options open. He made no promise of monogamy to you. So, when it’s time for him to possibly get his cuddle on with someone else, you’re not supposed to act a fool about it.

But, how long is too long to wait for a relationship? That answer varies depending on the circumstances. Whether you choose to believe so or not, you’ve given him the upper hand. From the duration of this “relationship,” he’s been able to dictate the parameter of your involvement with his personal life…the one that doesn’t include you. It’s possible that you never saw it that way. No one meets someone and finds themselves in a relationship the same day. You did as most people do when they’re trying to feel someone out. You exercised patience and understanding to meet the needs of your prospective partner. In return, he’s treated you like a lady, touched your heart and probably even your body. That title should’ve been right around the corner, or was it? There was a turning point in this situation. It was right after he told you that he wasn’t ready and definitely before you introduced him to your friends and even some of your family. In short, this debacle could have been prevented by none other than you.

Don’t beat yourself up. You did what a lot of women do. You met a man, who didn’t quite meet your needs at that time or want exactly what you were looking for, but what you saw in him was (wait for it)…potential. Potential is the decision making kryptonite for many women. We sometimes refuse to acknowledge what is right in front of our face. When a man doesn’t live up to the potential, we feel cheated and wronged, when in actuality, a spade was a spade. He didn’t lie or promise you the world. That man couldn’t have been clearer. It was the nurturer in you that felt like you could possibly love him into submission or change his mind. Rest assured, if this is your experience, there are brighter days ahead. You deserve a man that is willing to attend to your specific needs. If the man you meet isn’t open to that job, I wouldn’t recommend wasting the time. Your time is precious and he’s really not worth it, at least not at this point in your life.

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From YourTango.com

thinkstock.com

There are literally dozens of online dating sites. If you’ve been single anytime in the past decade, you’ve probably even tried a few. Some even claim that they can match you up with your “perfect dream partner.”

Guess what? I don’t believe it can be done! Many sites, even those using fancy algorithms to match you with your soul mate can help you meet and date dozens of people, if that’s all you want. They can even land you a warm body you may believe is your life partner but chances are, you still won’t find the right person for you.

Why? Chances are if the right person was standing right next to you, you might not even notice them. Why, again, you ask? Simple. You may not know yourself well enough to know who you are let alone who you is right for you. Most people are too busy running around trying to be “the person they think everyone else wants them to be” to know who and what kind of relationship would work best for them.

For all the dating tips, visit YourTango.com.

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Most single people relish not having to share their home space with anyone else, but a new seven-year study found people who live alone are about 80 percent more likely to be depressed than people who don’t.

Among the nearly 3,500 men and women between the ages of 30 and 65 who were studied by the Institute of Behavioral Sciences at the University of Helsinki, those who lived alone were more likely to be depressed and on medication. Looking at database information, one quarter of those who lived solo filled a prescription for antidepressants, compared to just 16 percent of those who didn’t.

Obviously, no cause and effect relationship could be established since the people studied could have just as easily decided to live alone because they are depressed as opposed to becoming depressed because they live alone. Plus plenty of men and women who live alone have active social lives and aren’t affected by coming home to an empty house. If there’s a sudden change in someone’s behavior that causes them to want to live or be alone all the time, then there may be cause for concern.

“Being depressed certainly can cause you to not only feel, but [also] become, more isolated,” said John Newcomer, MD, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine, who commented on the study to MSN Living. “You feel hopeless that you’re ever going to be able to have relationships, but even at another level, you…just don’t feel like getting up and going out. You’re undermotivated to do the various steps that are necessary to achieve social engagement.”

If you’re not feeling any of those things, chances are you’re just fine living single.

Do you think it’s good to live alone?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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From EurWeb.com

Kanye West’s G.O.O.D. Music label will release a new single, “Mercy,” on Friday, April 6, according to a tweet from the Clipse rapper Pusha T. He’s currently working on his official debut album for the Def Jam imprint.

“April 6th is GOOD Friday… “MERCY” drops..” he posted on Twitter.

Def Jam has revealed the single artwork, which confirms that West, Pusha T, Big Sean and 2 Chainz will be on the single.

The G.O.O.D. Friday move — which coincides with the Good Friday holiday this week — was originally started by West in 2010 as a means of promoting his “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” album.

For all the goods, visit EurWeb.com.

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From Black Voices

After 16 seasons of being on the air, ABC’s reality dating game show, “The Bachelor”has managed to fulfill a void for various eligible contestants. However to some fans disappointment, the show’s lack of diversity has raised a few questions as to why there has never been a non-white bachelor? Last year show creator, Mike Fleiss told Entertainment Weekly that he and his production team are always looking to cast for ethnic diversity, “it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would.”

Well look no further, Portland-based sportscaster Lamar Hurd is vying to become the show’s first African American hopeful. Initially the multifaceted commentator and entrepreneur was reluctant to apply for the show’s upcoming season, but thanks to his assistant, Tammy, Hurd has a different point of view.

For the complete story, click here.

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According to the New York Times trend piece, living alone can make you crazy. Seriously, that’s what it says. And here I was thinking that living with a house full of kids and a thankless husband would be a nightmare…

Steven Kurutz, the writer of the Times piece, says that 1 in every 4 American households is occupied by someone living alone. While the benefits are plentiful including the freedom to come and go as you please and the space and solitude to recharge one’s batteries, Kurutz says that the single-occupant home lacks the certain social checks and balances required to keep folks on the straight and narrow.  As such, living alone can also be a breeding ground for “Secret Single Behavior. ”

What classifies as Secret Single Behaviors? Well Kurutz uses examples in the form of two people who live alone, who have eccentricities such as running in place during TV commercials; speaking conversational French to themselves while making breakfast; singing Journey songs in the shower; sustaining oneself largely on cereal, nuts and seeds; turning your dryer into a makeshift dresser (because you are too lazy to take the clothes out of the dryer and put them in its proper place), and never closing the bathroom door when…er… handling your business. All this kind of makes you crazy.

Wait, why would you need to close the bathroom door if you live alone? Perhaps Kurutz has never thought about the serial killer, who is waiting to break into your home and plans to sneak up on you while you take care of business on the toilet. He can’t sneak up on you if you see him coming. Or at least that is what I got from watching lots of horror films. All alone. By myself. Hmm, maybe he has a point.

I mean I do talk to both my cat and dog, although it is only my dog Coltrane who pays attention to what I’m saying. And yeah, at times while watching television, I do talk to myself but that is only because I tell funny jokes and it would be rude not to laugh.  And okay, I admit it; Lucky Charms taste just as good for dinner as much as they do for breakfast. But is that really eccentric? I mean, I am sort of socially inept out in public, so perhaps my chosen home-based solitary confinement is the source for my own social awkwardness? Nawh, I don’t think so.

For me, living alone is an escape from the outside world. There is a lot of psychiatric illness out there, particularly if you live in the city. Places with denser populations also mean that folks are constantly subjected to bright lights and loud noises, poor environmental climates, crime, high taxes, low wages, long work schedules, proper protocols and greater socioeconomic divide. As such, it is easy to develop or become at-risk for anxiety disorders, mood disorders, and schizophrenia. In fact, in a study of more than 7,000 people in the Netherlands, investigators found that both full-blown psychotic disorders and milder psychosis-like symptoms were more common among those living in urbanized areas. So perhaps having your own personal space, which requires you to spend at least a few hours a day away from other people, might be the therapy that some folks need to not only decompress but also to act out all of those “eccentricities” without fear of looking odd or crazy out in public.

And there are definitely fun perks to living alone.  Like being able to walk right into the house, unhinge the bra and throw it on the couch without worrying that someone is going to chastise you for not putting your clothing in the hamper. Like lounging around on my couch, channel flipping and doing absolutely nothing productive without someone saying, “is that what you did all day?” Yes, it is and l liked it a lot. Like cooking unbalanced meals such as corn on the cob, skittles and pita bread and eating it all with my fingers. Like not having to rush to do the dishes or vacuum or even make my bed.  Like walking around the house in mixed matched sweats, holey socks and drawers or naked if I want. The possibilities of all the crazy stuff you can do at home, by yourself, are both endless and awesome.

Of course, you can have too much of a good thing.  And while I do cherish my moments of solitude, I’m also aware that long periods of time alone can make me feel like I’m becoming lazy and going crazy- especially if Coltrane, my dog, refuses to talk to me. I do have to remind myself to clean, to get off the couch and be productive and social with real people outside of my abode and to eat something nutritious. But that’s when individual accountability and responsibility come into play.  If a grown up has to live with someone just to keep him/her in check socially, well then you are not doing it (adulthood) right.

Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.

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For singles in America, if you like it you don’t necessarily have to put a ring on it anymore. Results of Match.com’s second annual Singles in America survey show nearly two-thirds of singles are unsure about getting married in the future.

A decent portion of Americans over the age of 21 still want to jump the broom some day—about 34.5%—but another 27% say no thanks to exchanging vows, and the remaining 38.5% say they’re uncertain about the whole thing. Of the 5,541 single adults included in the survey, 90.5% are heterosexual; 56.5%  have never married, 30.9% are divorced, 10.2% are widowed, and 2.4% separated.

Marriage has been on the decline for several decades now, so the finding isn’t totally surprising. About 21.3% said they don’t have time to be with someone or they prefer to be alone, and only 12.7% are actively seeking a relationship. Nearly half (46.8%) say they are not actively looking for a relationship but if they met the right person they would consider it; 16.9% are dating someone; and another 2.2% like to keep their options open.

Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara, who wasn’t involved with the study but researches singles, says the findings show staying single is actually an option that many embrace—despite the “woe is the single woman” banter that’s constantly thrown around.

“It smashes probably the most pervasive myth about single people is that what they want most is to escape being single,” she says. “These numbers are in the context of a society that still greatly glorifies marriage.”

What would be great is if when people saw these results they would realize they apply to black women too and they’ll stop trying to figure out how to get us married. As the findings show, we’re not all drying to cross the threshold like yesterday.

Are you in the uncertain/don’t want to get married category or are you still hoping to walk down the aisle?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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