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I admit I enjoy the soap opera that is Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. This series is far from a “reality” program; however there are scenes in the show that provoke thought when it comes to issues that plague men and women every day. This past Monday’s episode left me scratching my head yet again, this time wondering: Why do “baby mamas” have this false sense of entitlement?

Let me fill you in on the background. A local ATL radio personality, Traci Steele, has a son with Chris Brown’s DJ, DJ Babey Drew.  Apparently he travels a lot working, leaving little time for him to spend with his son. In order to stay local, he decides to open a sneaker store and convinces Traci to invest $25,000 into “their” business. Traci insists that she’s giving him the money for their “family” but makes it a point to say that she doesn’t want any “groupie h*es” to “benefit” from her money – whatever that means.

She decides to pop by Drew’s house unannounced in order to give him the check he’s been asking for. Well, to her surprise (not that the producer’s had anything to do with it), she finds him there with a “random” girl and goes ballistic. Even though Drew reminds Traci that they are no longer together, it seems she thought her “investment” would keep them together as a family. She goes off on him, and the poor girl who was sitting there, and storms out. As Drew follows behind her trying to understand why she’s ripping up the check, she tearfully proclaims that she never wanted to be a “baby mama,” and that he made that choice for her.

And that is where I begin scratching my head. Huh?

Let me first say this post is not to bash single mothers. I prefer to use that term rather than “baby mama,” but since Traci referred to herself as such, I’ll just go with it. There are plenty of women who never chose to be single mothers, but are holding it down nonetheless and they deserve to be respected if they’re doing it all alone.

But to say that someone made you a “baby mama” is a bit dramatic. If you are dating a man and not married to him and decide to engage in unprotected sex, there is a chance you could become pregnant. It is a woman’s choice to engage in that behavior and to deal with the consequences. Drew didn’t make her a baby mama, she chose to be one. I’m not saying that women should get abortions or give up their children for adoption so that they can’t be labeled as a “baby mama,” and I’m also not suggesting that people run out and get married in order to legitimize their children. All I’m saying is everyone has a choice when it comes to having sex and having babies. No one forces anyone to do anything.

Now Traci,  that poor girl has unresolved issues. And unfortunately she isn’t the only one.

There are many women who feel that giving birth to a man’s child entitles them to the man himself. While I understand that many of them felt that they would get married, or at the very least stay together, a woman needs to understand that her status as “mother” is very different from her status as “significant other.” Once the romantic relationship ends, a woman can’t expect her child’s father to show her the same love, affection, or consideration that he would show a new love interest. The feelings simply aren’t there anymore, and if a woman still feels that he should put her first, rather than the child, then she is delusional.

There are a lot of baby mamas out there who feel that she and the child are a package deal. She may determine that if he doesn’t want her, then he can’t see or be with the child either. It’s sad, but true. She doesn’t just want him to be a father to their child. She also wants him to be her lover, her husband, her bank…her everything, even when he isn’t obligated to be anything other than a father and provider to his child(ren). The child’s mother feels this man owes her his life, when in fact all she is entitled to is his respect, his financial support for the child if she is the custodial parent, and his commitment to co-parent.

Traci’s problem, like so many other women in her situation, is she hasn’t let go and moved on. She probably felt that baby Drew was her insurance policy to keep Big Drew around. But the fact of the matter is if he doesn’t want you, no baby is going to change that. His responsibility is to his son, not to make Traci an honest woman. He doesn’t belong to her, and he can’t be bought with $25K. Traci thought she could buy a false sense of security, therefore making him feel like he “owes” her his loyalty or that he “belongs” to her somehow. Poor girl was sadly mistaken.

Ladies, if you feel that having a man’s baby should automatically make you a priority in his life, think again. His child should be his priority, and he has the right to move on once you are broken up. Relationships can end, and breaking up is hard to do. Letting go can be even more difficult. But once it’s over, you can’t expect him to be the partner you wanted him to be as far as a romantic involvement is concerned. You won’t get the same treatment you did before the relationship ended, and you shouldn’t expect it or “guilt” him into loving you the way he once did – if he ever did. It’s a hard pill to swallow I’m sure, but it’s time to grow up, move on and let go. He should be civil and respectful to you, and be willing to work with you to be a good parent – nothing more, nothing less. He can’t live his life tip toeing around you hoping that you won’t get hurt or angry. Put your big girl panties on, gain some closure and get over him. It’s a simple choice and not one that someone has to make for you.

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There are more single mothers in the United States than ever before, a trend that has been in the works since the 1940s. But according to a new report by the U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey, while the rate of single motherhood  has been steadily increasing, there are some groups in which the figure has spiked in recent years.

“Sixty-eight percent of black women who had given birth in the past year were unmarried, compared to 11 percent of Asian women, 43 percent of Hispanics and 26 percent of non-Hispanic whites,” reports The Huffington Post. And the more education, the less likely the woman was a single mom.  Fifty-seven percent of recent mothers without a high school diploma were unmarried while just nine percent of recent mothers with a bachelors degree or higher were single. Higher income as also a factor: Sixty-nine percent of recent mothers in households with incomes with $10,000, compared to nine percent of recent mothers with households earning $200,000 or more.

As we wrote on this site just yesterday:

Not everyone is meant to be in a monogamous relationship. Not everyone, regardless of education or status, has the tools necessary to compromise or make the sacrifices necessary to have a successful marriage. Success in a career is VERY different than success in a relationship in many cases, so marriage may not be for everyone. Success and happiness no longer have to include a wife, a husband or a child. Sometimes a job and the freedom of singlehood are really enough.

As the ages of the women included in the Census report increased, there were fewer single mothers.  For women between the ages of 35 and 39, the percentage was 17 percent.

In 2007 the birth rate for single mothers was 80 percent higher than it was in 1980, and 20 percent of that increase happened between 2002 and 2007, according to the report. HuffPo says the numbers are particularly high for recent mothers (mothers who gave birth in the previous 12 months) between age 20 and 24. “In 2011, 62 percent of women between ages 20 and 24 who had recently given birth were unmarried,” writes HuffPo.

Overall, 36 percent of the 4.1 million women who reported they had given birth in the past year were unmarried. This is an increase from 31 percent in 2005.

So we asked yesterday and we’ll ask again, “Should parenthood be limited to those who want to also be married, or should people who are committed to being good parents have children without saying “I do?”

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Not long ago, Tyler Perry was a guest on the Steve Harvey Show and expressed his desire to have children one day. The media mogul, at age 43, didn’t mention anything about marriage, even though he’s said in the past that he’d like to be married one day. However, it’s not surprising that many men and women feel the need to fulfill their desires to be parents without necessarily walking down the aisle first.

It seems more and more men and women are putting off marriage so that they can build their career and having children has been pushed back a little too. And then there are those who are deciding not to do either altogether so that they can focus on building successful careers rather than child rearing. Lately, I’ve been reading articles about the double standard between single, Black, 40-something year old men who are successful, but choose not to get married or have children and their female counterparts who decide the same. It appears that some women are considered “selfish” if they choose their career over parenthood, while men may not be judged at all for making the same choice. If Tyler Perry decided to never have kids, would we care? I’m not saying we’d care if Janet Jackson or Oprah never had children, but for some it just seems “odd” when a successful woman decides to never have a child.

But for those African American men and women who DO want to have children but don’t have any prospects in sight for a mate, what do they do? Statistics state that 72 percent of black children are born to unwed parents and they led me to wonder: if a black man or woman, for whatever reason, decided that they never wanted to get married, should they NOT have children? Ever?

I ask because it seems that even though we’re not getting married the way we used to, we’re certainly still having kids. Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you that children are never a mistake. They may not always be “planned” but I believe that if you are here, it’s because you were meant to be here. Period. But there are those who say that black men and women who have children out of wedlock are “polluting” and/or “diluting” the gene pool of “desirable” parents for the next generation of our children. Basically, that means that successful, educated black men of a certain age with the means to take care of a child are opting NOT to get married and have children, while “Pookie annem” are having babies all willy nilly and not taking care of them. The same can be said for successful, black women who are choosing their career over a family, but the “Shenene’s” of the world are popping them left and right.

I’m not saying this is true, but that is the perception. Don’t shoot the messenger.

But what if the successful, educated black man/woman with the means to take care of a child actually decides to have one, but still doesn’t want to get married – then what? Should he/she be criticized for bringing a child into an “unwed” situation, even if they are an active parent in the child’s life, can provide for them financially, teaches him things, spends time with him and loves him? Or would they be contributing to the breakdown of the black family – even if they’d probably end up divorced if they got married anyway? As we’ve all heard by now, many feel that marriage is becoming obsolete – but being parent doesn’t seem to be going out of style any time soon.

Not everyone is meant to be in a monogamous relationship. Not everyone, regardless of education or status, has the tools necessary to compromise or make the sacrifices necessary to have a successful marriage. Success in a career is VERY different than success in a relationship in many cases, so marriage may not be for everyone. Success and happiness no longer have to include a wife, a husband or a child. Sometimes a job and the freedom of singlehood are really enough.

But can you be a great parent while not a great spouse? Or do you think they should go hand in hand? Is a person who would be considered a “desirable” parent selfish for not choosing to have children, or are they smart for knowing what they want or what they can or cannot handle? I’m curious to hear the answers to this one because some folks can clearly see themselves as a mother or father, but not a spouse – just like Tyler Perry may be ready to be a father, but not a husband. With so many celebs (Kim K. and Kanye come to mind) and non-celebs these days opting to have their family the way they see fit, do we care about marriage the way we used to? Should parenthood be limited to those who want to also be married, or should people who are committed to being good parents have children without saying “I do?”

Check out Tyler Perry’s interview with Steve Harvey and tell us what you think.

Credit: Shutterstock

From YourTango

According to an article in The Atlantic, “The National Marriage Project reports that 58 percent of first births in lower-middle-class households and 40 percent of all U.S. births are to unwed mothers.” This is being attributed to young adults in the United States who delay getting married until their mid-20s.

This means that more and more single moms are out there navigating uncharted territory and they are definitely not a one-size-fits-all group. Maybe they are parenting without an active father. Maybe they’re single, but co-parenting with the child’s father. Maybe they are co-parenting with a stepfather. And then there are those women who find themselves parenting alone the death of a co-parent.

I fell into that last group. I got married and found myself parenting our two boys alone after my husband died. So, I’d like to share some lessons I learned you might find helpful as you walk down the path of being a single mother.

Read more at YourTango.com.

Source: Shutterstock.com

Dear Readers,

I have to admit, I was that annoying friend who got giddy over Valentine’s Day.  Regardless of whether I had a Valentine or not, I LOVED Valentine’s Day!  One of my fondest memories from high school was my senior year.  My entire group of friends were all single so I bought them all candy, flowers, and balloons, and had it delivered to them in their classrooms and after school we went bowling.  It was a great night.

I carried that tradition with me to college.  Even if I had a boyfriend, I would get gifts for my friends.  I just love celebrating it.  It wasn’t until last Valentine’s Day that I experienced a funk.  It was just over a month since I’d left my husband and became a single mother.  I took advantage of my daughter not knowing that it was Valentine’s Day and moped around feeling sorry for myself and thinking about my failed marriage.

But, I am back to my giddy love of Valentine’s Day with a new understanding of how lonely it can be for single parents.  So, I’m here to let you know that you’re not alone, and though you might not have a spouse to share it with, there’s still a very special person(s) who will be happy to fill that void for you.  So, if you’re a single parent and feeling a little anxious for Valentine’s Day, here are a few things to think about:

First, try to revamp how you look at Valentine’s Day.  Instead of seeing it as a day for lovers, see it as a day to express the love you have for your family, your friends, and most importantly your child(ren).  They are in your lives, and they deserve the recognition of loving you when you might feel as though you’re unlovable.  Especially your children.  They don’t want to see their mother or father sad and feeling lonely when they are there to offer comfort.  Celebrate this day with them.

Second, while you’re celebrating your love with them, celebrate them as well.  Take the same drive that you might have used to make Valentine’s Day special for your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend and use it to make it special for your child.  Surprise them with gifts and other tokens to remind them that they are special and loved on this day.

Finally, pick a fun activity to do with them.  Turn decorating into a joint arts and crafts project.  Bake valentine treats and allow them to help you, or take them out to something they might enjoy, like bowling, skating, or the movies.  Something to bring a smile to their face and let them know that even though you love them all year round, Valentine’s Day is just another day to celebrate their presence in your life.

Now, I don’t want to seem like I’m stuffing “HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS!” down your throat.  But, just speaking from personal experience, sitting back with contempt for Valentine’s Day (and those stupid happy couples that seem to mock you with their relationships) isn’t going to help you.  Your child is there, and that child/children loves you, and they deserve the same attention that you would want a significant other to shower you with, or what you would shower them with.  So, HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS, DARNIT!

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?  Let’s tweet about it, @kkoger   

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Dear Single Sistahs,

I am writing this letter to all of you who are singly mothers by choice, by force, by divorce, or by other circumstances. I am writing this letter to all of my Single Parent Sistahs to encourage you to be the best mother and parent you can be to your child or children. I’m writing this letter to encourage you to be your child’s parent, particularly be your child’s mother because as the first woman in your child’s life, you set the tone for how he, she or they will view, treat and react towards women. You set the tone for how your child will view women because you are the first example of a woman he/she will see and know.

For my Single Parent Sistahs who are mothers of daughters, you set the tone for the way your daughter will dress, the way she will speak, the way she will carry herself, the way she will maintain a household, and especially the way she will conduct herself in relationships with men. Not only do you set the tone for the way she will speak, dress, conduct herself, and maintain a household but you set the tone in the way your daughter will view herself as a woman as the first woman in her life. For my Single Parent Sistahs who are mothers of sons, you set the tone for the type of woman your son will bring home to you, the way your son will view women, the way your son will treat a woman, and the way he will conduct himself while in the presence of a woman. Not only do you set the tone for the way your son will view, treat and conduct himself in the midst of a woman, but you set the example of what a woman should be or should not be.

My Single Parent Sistahs, it is so important that we are positive role models for our children. I know many of you may be saying that you didn’t have that example of how to be a positive mother because your mother was not a positive example, but the truth of the matter is, whether or not your mother was the example you thought she should have been she was still an example.

My Single Parent Sistahs, I also encourage you to be a single mother who is not desperately searching for a father to help you raise your child. While I do agree that a man’s presence in the household is extremely valuable to a child’s well being, I don’t agree with the way many unmarried mother forget about the fact that they have a child to raise and have the tendency to focus more on having a man around rather than focusing on raising their child. Focus on being a good mother to your child, then a man of quality will take notice of your sincere actions with your child and admire you for being a good mother and the rest will follow.

Lastly my Single Parent Sistahs, I encourage you to see the beauty that is your child. Learn how to spend quality time with your child and enjoy it. Talk to your child daily (no matter how young or old they are) and not just when they’ve done something good or bad…just talk to them to see how their day went. Set some time aside daily to bond with your child, and see the blessing that they are, and if you don’t think your child/children are blessings from God just ask a woman who wants to have children but can’t. I know at times this journey can get very tiresome, trying and discouraging, but I urge you to hang in there. Not only do I urge you to hang in there for your child, but I also urge you to find balance in being a parent and also being you. This is something I often struggled with as a single mother. I would feel guilty for going out (not all night) while my child would be home with a sitter, but I soon learned that it was okay for me to go out and enjoy myself with friends. Finding that balance and taking time for myself made me love and appreciate being a mother more than ever. Why? Because when I was out, I knew I had a beautiful child to return home to, whether I had a good time or not. I also learned that I need  time for myself to be a better me and to be the best mother I can be to my son. So as I close this letter to all of my Single Parent Sistahs, I wish you and your child/children the best on your journey in life. Remember, kids are a gift from God, and we should cherish every moment we have with them… no matter what.

Sincerely, Your Single Sistah,

Liz

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Caption: funkadelicsquared.blogspot.com

Whenever women congregate, the conversation may easily turn toward endless tales of “no-good men.” You know, the liars, cheats and heart breakers. Chances are, you’ve dated, been in love with, or even married a man before realizing he was of the “no-good” variety, without considering how he got that way.

Society’s unspoken secret is that parents influence your habits, tendencies and relationships, for better or worse. No one’s perfect, including mom and dad. The most many can hope for is that your parent’s imperfections balance each other out so neither screws you up too much.

Far too many boys in black communities are being raised by single mothers, which throws the whole balancing act off. It also puts all the child-rearing on moms shoulders. Many of the lessons children learn from parents are informal and so subtle that you can teach plenty of bad lessons without even trying.

Fast forward a couple decades and your sweet little boy is the grown man women love to complain about. Clearly, grown people are responsible for their own actions, but it’s a lot harder to make better decisions when you’ve been weaned on no-good habits since birth.

Parenting is a challenging job, with far too few displays of recognition or positive guidance. But no one wants to raise a child who causes heartbreak and suffering to others.

If you can identify with any of the following, stop, think about your goals for your child, then take action.

Source: StyleBlazer.com

From StyleBlazer.com

With Mothers Day right around the corner, it’s only fitting that we paid tribute to seven celebrity single mothers. It’s tough out there raising children on your own and just because you’re a celeb doesn’t mean you have it easier. These ladies have had children at 17, hit rock bottom financially, and have dealt with tragic losses, yet still pressed on.

Join us in saluting 7 hollywood moms who are holding it down raising kids alone at StyleBlazer.com.

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When are republicans going to stay out of women’s wombs long enough to actually take care of things that need to be done?

Republican Senator Glenn Grothman of West Bend, WI, has sponsored a bill that would formally consider single parenthood a contributing factor to child abuse. Section 1. 48.982 (2) (g) 2. of Senate Bill 507 is amended to read:

Promote statewide educational and public awareness campaigns and materials for the purpose of developing public awareness of the problems of child abuse and neglect. In promoting those campaigns and materials, the board shall emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.

Section 2. 48.982 (2) (g) 4. of the statute is also amended to read:
48.982 (2) (g) 4. Disseminate information about the problems of and methods of preventing child abuse and neglect to the public and to organizations concerned with those problems. In disseminating that information, the board shall emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.

From reports on this outrageous law it’s not clear whether the Senator actually has any data to back up this claim, but my guess is no. As is often the case with outlandish legislation such as this, Sen. Grothman has a history of declaring a war on single parenthood. Last year, he proposed a conspiracy theory that single parenthood is all apart of a Democratic ploy for bigger government. He wrote that the:”Left and the social welfare establishment want children born out of wedlock because they are far more likely to be dependent on the government.”

While I’m no advocate for single parenthood, you can’t make that lifestyle a right or wrong issue. It’s about responsibility in some ways and for others evidence of a change in societal attitudes toward two-parent homes. Although according to Grothman, “the rise in single motherhood has been driven by all the great financial benefits single, low-income mothers receive.” So what should women do, have an abortion? Oh wait, you don’t want us to do that either.

This alleged link between child abuse and single parenthood is a slap in the face of single mothers (and fathers) everywhere who are handling their parental responsibilities. There are far better ways to discourage being a single parent.

Do you think this law has a chance of getting passed?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Much in the way that married couples are expected to become the minority in America within the coming years, single parenthood has already become the official norm among women under 30, with more than half of these births occurring outside of marriage. The face of the single mother has also changed in some ways too. While stereotypes would have you think only minorities have babies out of wedlock, a New York Times report found that the fastest growth in the last two decades has occurred among white women in their 20s who have some college education but no four-year degree.

While overall, most women are married when they have babies—59 percent, according to 2009 data—the trend among women under 30 foreshadows a transformation that may come with future generations, and one that may not be beneficial. As The NYT points out, “researchers have consistently found that children born outside marriage face elevated risks of falling into poverty, failing in school, or suffering emotional and behavioral problems.”

An educational divide may explain this growing issue, as college graduates as a whole don’t fit the trend. About 92 percent of college-educated women are married when they give birth, compared with 62 percent of women with post-secondary schooling, and 43 percent of women with a high school diploma or less, according to Child Trends, a Washington research group that analyzed government data.  Despite the growth among young white women, minority women still constitute a large portion of these births with 73 percent of black children being born outside marriage, compared with 53 percent of Latinos and 29 percent of whites.

Depending on your perspective, this data is either cause for alarm or a testament to changing attitude’s toward marriage and women’s independence. Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania, said “Marriage has become a luxury good,” and Teresa Fragoso, 25, a single mother in Lorain, OH, backed up that thinking by saying “Women used to rely on men, but we don’t need to anymore. We support ourselves. We support our kids.”

As the stigma around singlehood and single parenthood continues to lift, it can only be expected that this trend will continue—and the consequences will only be revealed as time goes on.

What do you think about this trend? Is it fine for women to embrace single motherhood or is this more evidence of the breakdown of American families?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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