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From Single Black Male

I don’t go out as often as I used to in my younger days, but there is one phenomenon that has baffled me since I was young: large groups of single women “looking” to meet a man. To be clear, most large groups of women aren’t looking to meet men.  Most women (claim they) go out to enjoy the company of their friends, drink, and have a good time. The last thing they (claim they) want to do is meet a man! This is despite the fact that they spent hours shaving, plucking, and dressing in an sexually appealing manner, yet will simultaneously argue that they didn’t shave, pluck, and dress up for other women. So who are they dressed up and looking good for? I have no idea; themselves, I guess.

On the other hand, most men go out to meet women.  Men shave and dress up for women – and they admit it. Some people report that you can’t find your wife/husband in the club – or apparently, anywhere on Earth that men and women might consistently frequent – which is strange, since the people who say this are the same people who frequent these places the most often. But, back to the issue at hand. Why do women bring so many other women with them to places they claim they want to meet a man, and why are they so hesitant to go to those places by themselves?

Read more at SingleBlackMale.org.

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These days more and more connections are starting from online communication. Whether that be because of Twitter, Facebook, or the comments section of a popular blog, the hook ups are happening almost at the same rate we saw back in the days of Blackplanet and AOL/Yahoo chat rooms. Keeping that in mind, the next logical question is, exactly how far can these connections go and is it really possible that a romantic relationship could be spawned from these connections? I say yes. In fact, I think that your chances of finding love or potential dating partners are just about the same if not better when dating online. The obvious criticism of online dating is that you don’t really know the person behind the computer; however, that’s really no different than meeting people is person.

Logically speaking, you may meet someone in a bar or even at a bookstore but you really have no clue who they are, and typically your next interaction will come a lot quicker than it would in an online relationship. How many times do you hear a story about a woman who is dating a man only to later find out that he has a wife or existing girlfriend? Now think about whether the chances of that happening are actually greater when dating someone you met online versus in-person. There’s really no real way to say either is safer or a surer bet.

I had a friend ask me if I’ve ever seen a romantic relationship develop between the readers of my blog, SingleBlackMale.org. I told her not only have I seen relationships develop, I’ve seen them prosper. I’ve seen everything from casual encounters all the way to marriage. Yes, there are people who meet in the comments section of a blog who go on to end up connecting with each other and then dating to the point of marriage. I also went on to say that dating people you meet online allows you to create buffers that aren’t always afforded in in-person connections. When you meet someone in a coffee shop and you’ve already seen one another, you’re likely to move towards seeing each other again as soon as possible. However, when you meet someone online you’re likely to email, Gchat or Skype a few times before you actually decide to have an in-person date. That’s a great advantage.

The other thing that these online connections benefit from is their ability to allow you to get to know each other by doing your research. Typically, when we go out and try to find information on a potential partner we ask mutual friends or we set up group meetings so that we can bounce our impression off that of our friends. When you meet someone on Twitter or Facebook, while I don’t recommend stalking, you have the ability to see the full body of work of a person. You can obtain a bird’s eye view into their sense of logic, humor, and values. This is all provided that a person doesn’t use their Twitter account to be someone that they’re not, and that’s something that most can determine just by noting the personality consistency over various mediums of communication.

Just to circle back to a previous point and expand for a moment, for anyone who might be interested in dating someone they’ve met online let’s be clear: You can’t use online platforms as a crutch for real contact and communication. The only thing that is going to change when you date online is the medium in which you meet the person. The opportunity to share a few emails and Gchat sessions gives you a chance to get to know one another before you’re having an awkward coffee date or sharing a meal together. It is not an excuse not to use traditional communication tools. There should still be phone contact, there should still be a genuine interest in meeting one another in-person, and while most of us love Gchat we have to find ways to transition to platforms like Skype or a video chatting platform. My reason being is that Skype is one-on-one attention as opposed to Gchat where you can hold multiple conversations at the same time. The point is that the online dating creates a buffer between the initial contact and the time which you meet in-person or actually decide that you like this person enough to take things to the next level.

I agree there are creepers everywhere. The internet used to be a safe haven for them to prowl. What I’m seeing lately is more of an interest from Twitter followers and Facebook friends to notice consistencies in a person’s online persona versus their real-life persona. When you meet online, you take away the potential that your relationship grows because of a physical or sexual attraction without getting to know each other mentally and emotionally. Those are the real predators and creepers. In my opinion, there’s no real difference between receiving a surprising DM in your Twitter inbox and walking through a lounge and being hit on by a random. The only difference is that, if you decide, one of those people can be ignored and the other is standing in front of you threatening to ruin your night.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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From Single Black Male

I haven’t dated a lot but I’ve dated enough. Over the years, I’ve learned that women – and ladies, I love you dearly – have some ridiculous expectations when it comes to what a man is supposed to do in the relationship. I’m not talking about things like courtship in 2012 even though a lot of you “independent women” make more money than us and have more graduate degrees than us or how men always have to be the first to approach. I think we can all agree those things and many others are ridiculous, but at least they make logical sense and have a basis grounded in history. Today, I’m talking about expectations that really are ridiculous and their ridiculousness aren’t up for debate. While I could have made a list of 100, I chose to start-off with five. I trust my brothers-in-arms can add to the list in the comment section. Without further ado…

Read more at SingleBlackMale.org.

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Last month, I wrote about Why Men Settle. As part of that discussion, a number of women wondered why a man would ever settle in love when it seems like they have far more choices than women do. I understand how that might seem confusing, but I’m also unsure this popular sentiment is even true. For one, I’m on the fence about if dating is really easier for men. Taking it a step further, is finding a wife/love/soul mate any easier for men than it is for women? I don’t think so. Let’s break down the various assumptions about dating for men.

There are not enough good black men: True and false.

The popular headline is that there are less viable black men for viable black women. There are generally a few errors when this much re-hashed story breaks. First, it assumes a ‘viable black male’ can be quantified using objective measurements, usually schooling and income. For example, they report that more black men are in jail than in college. This is a blatant lie, which you can read more about from this unlikely source here, so I won’t bother dissecting it. They go on to report that we have a high number of high school drop outs, which is true, but they don’t account for the fact that high school drop outs and jail rates are both interrelated and often reflective of the same population. As an extension of this point, the same can be said for college graduation rates – as black women do outnumber black men in enrollment and graduations, but only 30% of Americans have a college degree and miraculously, people still get married every day of the week.  Income is by far the fairest measurement; however, simple arithmetic dictates that the higher your income requirement for a prospective mate – and you are free to have one – the less people will meet it.

Potential mate populations aside, I’m willing to admit that the way people traditionally date – with the expectation that men approach women – might make it easier for a man to initially meet a woman. The real question is how much impact does one to one ratios matter if women don’t proactively choose from available men anyway?

The dating odds are in men’s favor: False.

For this to be true, we have to assume that men 1) like approaching women and 2) are good at it when they do. I’m fairly certain the claims about huge numbers of men that like approaching strange women and risk getting turned down every time they do is greatly exaggerated. However, for the sake of today’s argument, we can assume men like approaching strange women and vying for their attention.

Regardless if this is true or false, the difference for men and women is that if there is a certain type of men women want to approach them, women can at least go to an establishment where those types of men are more likely to reside and place herself in the “line of fire.” On the other hand, if a man isn’t good at approaching women, there is no way to overcome it (unless he’s a baller?). A man who doesn’t have “game” will be equally unsuccessful in a room full of attractive women as he will be in a room full of unattractive women. Independent of the environment he is in, it is the embodiment of the woman that he will always struggle to approach. Even if the availability of women is in his favor, it doesn’t improve his success rates in the slightest.

To be fair, let’s assume the man we’re discussing is decent at approaching women, has money, is educated, and hasn’t been to jail. Are we still assigning blame to the wrong part of the dating problem?

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Dear SBM,

I just want to know why a man would continue to cheat after begging a woman to take him back? And does he think that because she took him back that she’ll put up with it? My coworker was telling us about an argument he had with the mother of his baby in which he ended by telling her that he’s not changing. I could see where her anger was coming from to a degree, I mean he did cheat on her so she was expecting him to be grateful that she took him back, but women’s intuition also tells me that she expected him to miraculously turn into a new person. Just some background for you, he admits to having side pieces throughout their entire relationship (including her pregnancy) and they broke up a few months after the baby was born because she found some evidence of his indiscretions. They got back together a few months ago but he still says that he’s cheating and will continue to do so as long as he wants. From the way he describes their current relationship, it seems as though he has gotten even more comfortable and offers no apologies for his behaviors in and out of the house. Of course, I realize that I have only really gotten half of these stories and he could just be exaggerating, but I doubt it. Why does a cheater even want to be in a relationship if he’s decided that he’s not going to be faithful? And does it signal to him that he can continue to cheat if a woman takes him back?

I’ll start off by quoting some statistics for context. I read a story earlier this year that estimated between 15 percent of women and 20 percent of men are unfaithful. Women are less likely to get caught. Ninety-five percent of women and 83 percent of men reported they “successfully” cheated without their spouses ever finding out. These are married people so who knows how desolate the landscape of relationships and pseudo-relationships looks. I only point this out to note that there are a number of unfaithful people among us and many of them will never get caught (or so they believe). Specific to your friend’s situation, you seem have two main questions:

Read the breakdown as to why men cheat at SBM (Single Black Male).

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Last week, I celebrated a birthday. Without getting too deep into the details of a man who is struggling with the fact that age 30 is soon to come, let’s just say, it’s right over the horizon. Many of my close friends, mentors and family began to ask me more this year, “What are your goals for this year?” I’ve never gotten this question as much as I got it this year, but it made me think to myself. What goes through a man’s head when he’s facing 30?

I would imagine this question would be a lot easier to answer if I had hit some of those life landmarks that many others have, but I haven’t. I’m single, I live in an apartment, I still live in the city that I was raised in (despite leaving for college), and it’s becoming increasingly important that I focus on my career as I head into my highest earning years.

Career

In your early twenties, you’re just starting out in your career. You haven’t made any firm decisions on grad school or if you’re actually in the career that you want to stay in for the rest of your life. However, in your late twenties it becomes evident that you’re either in the career that you’ll be in for a long time, or it’s time to get out now in order to avoid being stuck. In my early twenties, I spent most of my time focusing on hitting my goals at work, but also doing just a little less than my ultimate best. Happy hour much? I sure did. Now that I’m in my late twenties and looking at thirty, I’m thinking about exactly who I want to be professionally and what position I want to be in as I reach thirty. This requires that I spend more time focusing on being my best daily at work and sacrificing temporary fun in nightlife for high powered days in the office.

Location

There comes a point in everyone’s life when they start to ask themselves if they’ll ever leave their hometown. It’s a safe network and if your family is around, you’re used to it. Of course, many of us go away for school, but many of us come right back afterwards and settle back into our old routines. I’m originally from Washington, DC, and I love this city dearly. I’ve spent extensive time in New York and Atlanta, but neither fit me the same way that DC has fit. I know that I don’t want to be in DC for the rest of my life because I know there are new experiences that I want to encounter. I also know that this requires that I really begin giving this some thought now. Inevitably, as my family ages, there may be a need for me to come back one day, so it’d be best I leave soon.

Home Ownership

Personally, I think that young adults put too much emphasis on home ownership. I’ve always felt like I didn’t want to purchase a home that was less than the quality of living I desired, just to call myself a homeowner. However, the nature of renting is that the cost goes up every year. At a certain point, you look up and you’re as angered by your rent as the taxes that come out of your paycheck. What does this mean for me? It means that it’s time that I make a decision. Do I want to save a huge chunk of money for a home, or do I want to just YOLO the experience and see what type of condominium my current financial situation will allow me to purchase?

Relationships

As a man reaches the age of 30, we realize that being married by the age of 30 is not all that important. We’ll be just fine if we’re single well into our thirties. However, if we’re smart we begin having a conversation with ourselves about what we really want out of a mate. Whether that is a girlfriend or a potential wife, we have to stop playing games with women we really don’t see any type of future with and focus on substance. That conversation we have with ourselves leads us to an introspective look into whether we want children, and if we think that marriage is a part of that desire. I think that where I am is realizing that I have no intentions of bringing children into a single parent household and that means that I’ll have to find a mate who agrees.

As men near thirty the conversations that we have with ourselves become heavy. They become meaningful and they become conversations that aren’t as youthful as the ones we had in our early twenties. We’re running out of years to make mistakes and have them categorized as excused absences. I think I reached this birthday and I told myself, this is it Jay. I’m not sure many men feel the same way; 30 is not the end of the world, but it is surely the end of your twenties.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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“Is he just trying to have sex with me, or is he really interested?” 

Perhaps, the reason it’s so difficult for women to figure out if a man’s sole purpose is sexual is because most men are raised with the foundation of their “game” rooted in “tell her what she wants to hear.” It may not have been our father, older brother or cousin, but somewhere along the way, a group of wise men sat in a room and bestowed upon us that in order to get anywhere with a woman you just “tell her what she wants to hear.” Inevitably this causes women to live in a constant state of paranoia and confusion.

A Feeling of Invincibility 

To be honest, the main reason why most women can’t tell when men are trying to sleep with them is because of a feeling of invincibility. Many women believe that they mature faster than men; some even go as far to think that women are smarter or cleverer than men. This is simply not true in all cases. This feeling of invincibility or superiority in the game of the birds and bees allows men to deceive women because they could never imagine that a man would be able to outsmart them. In some cases, it may not even be an issue of wisdom, but an issue of being overly confident. “Who in their right mind wouldn’t want me?!” That mindset will lead you into situations where men take advantage of you.

The Difference between Dreams and Reality 

All of us struggle with separating dreams and reality. We have an idea of how we’d like the situation to be in our head, and at times, nothing could be further from the reality of the situation. Women will tell their friends that the reason he only texts and never calls is because “he’s busy.” They’ll also tell their friends that the reason why he only comes by late at night and never stays over is because “he’s got a lot going on at work.” In their mind, everything makes sense because of his “situation,” but they often neglect their own situation. He may be your dream guy, but in reality he’s giving you no more than a booty call.

Inability to Accept Failure 

In addition to a feeling of invincibility or inability to separate dreams from reality, women sometimes don’t want to admit failure. They want to think in their mind that in the end this will lead to a relationship or marriage. They want to think that if they put in the effort, then good things will come to them. Even when they’re faced with the obvious truth, they don’t want to admit their circumstance because they don’t want to feel embarrassed. There aren’t many women out there who are bold enough to admit to their friends, “All he wanted was sex.”

So, what can women do to avoid this situation? 

The solution is simple. Evaluate your relationships with men based on the connections that you have. Is the connection or attraction, sexual or emotional? It’s actually just that simple, but we overcomplicate it trying to avoid having the egg on our face. If a man is interested in pursuing something serious with a woman he cares about how, he will communicate emotionally, not just sexually. His communication won’t always lead to sex or something physical, but they will be more emotional in nature.

Think of it this way, he’ll ask you, “How was your day?” instead of “What are you doing later tonight?” He’ll tell you, “I really like where things are going” instead of “I’m trying to see what’s good.” You’ll have to be honest with yourself too. In all things relationship related you have to take things at face value, and if they don’t make sense, speak up. If you are confused about where things are going, there’s nothing more clarifying than a simple question, “Where is this going?” If a man finds it hard to respond to this question, or hesitates, it’s a sign. Don’t ignore those signs, pay attention to those signs, and check your goals in a relationship against his actions. If you’re able to come to an honest assessment about your situation, whether privately or with the help of friends, you’ll avoid being just another girl in a man’s sexual adventures.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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The Thirst Is Real.” Is it? Isn’t it? These days, “the thirst” has become a ubiquious term showing up everywhere from Frank Ocean’s tweets to ratchet reality shows. But what is the thirst? In our series “The Thirst Files,” we decide to share stories and essays that communicate one angle of the thirst whether it involves a woman who develops a sexual addiction or a married man who stalks for affection via the internet. Just so you know, we’re not taking ourselves too seriously here but wanted to take a more focused approach to understanding this thing called “The Thirst” lol. Enjoy this third installment and let us know what other angles of the thirst you’d like to see explored.

There was a time when what is totally acceptable in this day and age would  have gotten you 20 to life in a maximum security prison surrounded by water on all four sides. It’s shocking to me how these thirst-sponsored activities have become normalized. I say this with the sincerest of hearts: Facebook, and the Internet in general, has made us all crazy.

I’m not proud of this but I was born in a time many of you may not recall. Scientist refer to this period as “the 80′s.” The nonscientific community classifies me as an “80′s baby.” The 90s, right around when the Internet was coming of age, dominated my impressionable years. Yes, I am old enough to remember a time when the Internet did not exist. In Internet years, this makes me practically Jurassic, which means in the minds of many young people, the fact that I lived before the Internet is equitable to me walking the Earth at the same time as dinosaurs. Regardless, this impressively expansive coverage of chronological periods has given me some perspective.

Back in my day, if you spent 26 hours of a 24-hour day following your X around, this activity would be widely frowned upon. Actually, you would be labeled a “crazy person” by most observers and might even be arrested. This is no longer the case. Today, it is widely accepted – and in some cases even encouraged – for people to follow the every micro-movement of their current or past girlfriends/boyfriends. As best I can tell, Facebook’s entire platform is based on the premise that most people are inherently narcissistic, self-centered, and yes, crazy. These neurotic symptoms are matched only by their penchant to want to monitor the narcissistic, self-centered, and crazy habits of their peers.

Many social media sites survive on magnifying the worst of us. For example, before the Internet realized the horrors of this activity, many social media sites had a little thing called “visitors.” Visitor counters monitored who visited your site and how often. This allowed you to at least see that your X visited your page 39 times in the last 15 minutes. You’ll notice this feature has largely been removed. Thirst-like activities exploded exponentially, easily by 1,000%.

Now men and women are free to monitor whomever they choose for however long they choose. People can spend an entire workday angrily monitoring their X or stalking their favorite video vixen on Twitter, Instagram, or World Star Hip Hop. You know who you are, bro.

While scientists believe the fastest thing in the universe is the speed of light, they have obviously never witnessed the speed one moves when they are tagged in a photo that their current significant other would not approve. I’ve seen people leave office meetings to remove themselves from a less than flattering photo on Facebook. That should be the true measurement of speed. I assure you it is far more accurate and relatable. How far is the nearest galaxy?

“The nearest galaxy is 7 Tyrone’s tagged in his x-girlfiend’s birthday photos that he wasn’t supposed to be at in the first place because his new girl don’t trust that [female dog].”

It’s no secret to anyone who follows Hip Hop and Entertainment that the rumor’s out; Jay-Z and Beyonce aren’t taking too nicely to Kanye’s girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. My initial reaction to this news was that it was pretty obvious that not all four of those people would get along. Jay and Bey have always struck me as extremely private people, meanwhile, Kim lives her life in the limelight almost 24/7. The real question is, should Kim spend a lot of time trying to figure out a way to get into their inner circle, or just leave it alone? In my opinion, she’s best to leave it alone.

There are several reasons why your boyfriend’s close friends may not actually like the person he’s dating. At times, it’s not even a great sense of dislike, but disconnect of mutual connection points required for a potential friendship. Keep in mind that as a girlfriend, your main connection point with your man is emotional, with his friends it’s friendship. Moreover, it’s rare that two people who are the exact same are in a relationship. Often times, opposites attract. With that said, it’s a good chance that you have nothing in common with his friends.

Furthermore, there are fundamental differences in the way men and women develop friendships. Most men are likely to develop friendships early in life and keep them forever. Women possess the ability to meet women along the way and then build and maintain really meaningful friendships. What this means for you is that there’s a chance most of your boyfriend’s friends are comfortable with their current circle and aren’t looking to add to it.

Personally, I’ve always struggled with assumptions that placed expectations on my actions. Many times, my best male friends have dated women that I didn’t much care for at all. It didn’t mean that maybe my male friends and I didn’t have much in common, but maybe we don’t have the same taste in women. That’s not a reason for us to stop being friends; I’m not the one he’s looking for as a romantic companion in life.

There are three points of advice that I can pass to you if you’re struggling to understand the distance between your boyfriend’s friends and yourself.

Examine your desire to have a relationship with his friends – If you think that his friends think you’re trying to steal away their friend to a place they’ll never be able to see him again, then that’s one thing. However, if you’re just checking off a box for your relationship that tells you that a great girlfriend blends in like just one of the guys, forget it. I’ve been in more than a handful of weddings, women always ask us, “Do you like his wife?” Real men all answer that question the same way, “It doesn’t really matter, I’m not marrying her. If she makes him happy, then I like her.”

The best way to get his friends to like you is to be yourself. Don’t go out of your way to watch the football game with us when it’s obvious it’s not your thing. Don’t hold your tongue if you disagree with a point in the conversation when you really feel different. As men, we don’t want to feel forced into something or that someone is trying too hard. We just want you to be yourself and be comfortable with the level of friendship we have. In time, things will grow if it’s meant to be.

Demand respect over a friendship – There will be times when you’re not going to be able to foster a relationship with your boyfriend’s friends. All of my friends know this one thing, “we don’t always have to agree, but we must respect each other.” Therefore, his friends don’t always have to like you, but they must respect you. If you find yourself in a situation where his friends seem a little distant, focus your efforts on garnering their respect.

Let me be clear, I’m not telling you to not make any attempts to be cordial or friendly with your boyfriend’s friends. There are some men that their girlfriend getting along with the guys is an important thing. What you should take away from this message is that if you’ve extended yourself and his friends seem hesitant, don’t waste too much time on it. There are surely so many more pressing items in your relationship that need your attention.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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A few years ago I found myself perusing a friend’s Facebook photo album when I noticed one of her attractive sorority sisters. I did what most men do, I asked my friend to arrange an introduction. I thought nothing of it at the time, but a simple question, “Why is she single?” turned into the inevitable end of my interest. My friend explained that she had been in an on-and-off again situation with a man for the last two years. She ended with, “Thank God!” Her response raised a flag with me, I asked a few more questions until she shot back at me, “He was just very controlling and jealous.”

My reply: “That’s okay, not interested.”

I knew it was wrong to pass judgment on dating her because she spent two years in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, but I knew I’d always keep going back to that past experience of hers. I wasn’t able to understand what would make a person endure that behavior for so long. I concluded that she needed time to grow before I could ever consider dating her.

Now that the secret is out, I’ll admit to women that men definitely take into consideration the past of our potential partners. At times, it’s a good thing to know that you’re in good company and at other times, a questionable ex could be a sign of character flaws that are easily hidden during the courting phase. Below, I categorize a woman’s past partners into five categories and the negative impact it can have on you as as a potential partner.

1. The Control Freak feels a need to always exert control over their significant others.  As I stated above, I have never been able to understand why someone would endure this behavior. Perhaps, they have a secret desire to be submissive or fear being placed in the position of a decision maker. Men don’t ask their women to be combative or argumentative. We just like to know that she has her own wants and desires and the backbone to be heard.

2. The Doormat allows himself to be placed in the submissive position of his significant other, always electing her needs while compromising all of his. When a man notices a woman has The Doormat in her relationship history he recognizes her almost immediately as, “High Maintenance.” It makes you question the character of the woman who takes advantage of the weak. It’s the epitome of “kicking them while they’re down.”

3. The Greeks called Adonis, the god of Beauty and Desire. From head to toe, Adonis makes her mouth water. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much all he brings to the table. Depending on how long you choose to stay with a man like Adonis, it can be an indicator of how many of your expectations you are willing to sacrifice for good looks. Men have been known to date airheads solely on the basis of looks. It’s never been good for them, it’s never going to be good for women either.

4. The Outlier is the man who resembles none of the men a woman dated in her past. The Outlier strikes everyone as odd, he’s the one her friends refer to as, “I don’t know what she was thinking with him.” However, The Outlier is almost always an act of desperation. Acts of desperation are strong indicators of a person’s propensity to quit when things get tough or seem impossible to accomplish. Men want women who identify goals and achieve them.

5. Men are taught to beware of the The One That Got Away. Chances are she’s still in love with him. All of these situations didn’t end in cheating or some huge blowout. Sometimes, it was just bad timing and looking back on it, she realizes she would have been better off if they had worked things out. Men fear The One That Got Away because he’ll likely be lingering around forever, causing us to wonder if he’ll ever reappear.

There is an outside chance that a woman’s ex does not fall into these categories. It makes men wonder why they still aren’t together anymore. If they don’t fall into these five categories, chances are they just weren’t compatible. That’s fair, I’ve always felt that it’s possible for two great people to meet, date, and later on realize that there is no emotional or romantic connection there. Those people typically part as friends, no harm, no foul. However, women must beware of the exes that reveal negative traits or flaws in their character. It’s an opportunity for growth and reflection, but unattended it’s a recipe for disaster in your next relationship.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.