All Articles Tagged "single black male"

What It Means To Be A Free Agent In The Game Of Love And Lust

July 12th, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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From Single Black Male 

It’s that time of year in the basketball world where free agency is upon us. A recent conversation with one of my cousins led to me explaining that free agents and single people have a lot in common. Today I’d like to share with you my long a** analogy. If you’re a sports fan like myself you’ll resonate with it seamlessly. If you’re not a sports fan, I hope I’m clear enough in my delivery. In any case, here goes it:

Being The Free Agent

I explained to my cousin that at some point or another we are star free agents in this game of love and lust.  At some point in our careers (lives) we will be scouted and we will be sought after. As free agents we get to scope the scene, weigh options and then we make decisions. When you’re a star player you take many things into consideration.  Truth be told some teams(prospective partners) are a better fit for you than others. But during this whole recruiting process (dating) you wonder as the player “What’s in it for me?”  The teams seeking you are basically selling themselves to you. They will paint the greatest picture to entice you to go with them. No matter how well some teams try to make themselves look, you can still see some qualities in which you may not be interested.

Seeking The Free Agent

Now as the team seeking someone’s partnership or services, what picture are you painting? No team is perfect that’s a given, but what steps are you taking to become a winner? In this league of love and lust there are teams that are proven winners and teams that aren’t. Now what team are you? Are you the team that has been a proven winner? Or are you the team that hasn’t had a championship since the civil rights movement?(Cleveland) Or are you a team dedicated to winning and are taking steps to do so? Here’s a quick overview of the types of people we can classify ourselves as.

Read more at SingleBlackMale.com 

What ‘The Godfather’ Can Teach You About The Men In Your Life

June 27th, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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Source:  SingleBlackMale.org

Source: SingleBlackMale.org

 

From Single Black Male

As a child, watching Francis Ford Coppola’s cinematic classic The Godfather and its sequels was a rite of passage. The men in my family forced me to watch them long before I was ever really old enough to understand them, and over time – they came to hold a particularly special place in my heart. One of the tangential benefits of having watched these films dozens of times has been that I’ve come up with this theory … The Corleone Theory. The Corleone Theory is the idea that every man you’ll ever meet in life is either a Vito, a Santino (Sonny) a Tom Hagan, a Fredo, or a Michael.

As a man, knowing which one you are can be useful in all facets of life — from how you approach your career to how you deal with stress, to how you relate to your family. For men and women, the ability to categorize the men you know and meet through this lens can be super helpful when deciding what kind of role you want the men you meet to play in your life (No Hibbert).

Lets explore each:

Vito Corleone:

In The Godfather, Vito is the family patriarch. He’s a builder. His primary focus is the preservation of family through whatever means that might require. Having lost both parents at a young age and having traveled alone to America, Vito seeks to carve out a substantial niche for himself and his family. Likewise, in real life, a Vito believes in family and values his ability to shape it. Relationships with those not of his family never go further than the extent to which their interests coincide with that of the family’s. With family, he’s a nurturer, seeing the best and worst in those he loves. He works to bring out the best while gently mentoring to subdue the worst. With all people, he is a great judge of character.

Ladies, for these reasons, Vitos make great mates, the best option for building a family. Vitos are too loyal and disciplined for infidelity, too loving for physical abuse, and too good at leading to do a whole lot of arguing.

Read more at SingleBlackMale.org 

Be Honest: Are You Chasing A Title Or A Relationship?

June 12th, 2013 - By Madame Noire
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Source: Shutterstock

From SingleBlackMale

In college, life was in a stage of transition. We are transitioning in our academics, and we’re transitioning within ourselves. We go through so many changes and these have an impact our relationships. Our wants and needs in relationships can change as well. In college, we forged many new relationships with each other. It is also often said that you’ll meet some of your lifelong friends in college.

In college, we built strong bonds with people; some of which are translated romantically. The nature of your relationship with someone really depended on whatever medium the two of you meet. When I say medium I am referring to an agreement or compromise. To be clear; relationships and titles were two totally different things.

Were you engrossed in the feeling and validation of a title? I.e. being a boyfriend or girlfriend — or do you appreciate a companionship more? The truth is, back in college, there were many people with titles on their relationship so that others could define what they had. It gave you a sense of security if you were not sure what you meant to someone.

Titles offer validation, some authenticity; just like a title on a car or deed on an apartment. By no means am I against the institution of a relationship between a boyfriend and girlfriend, but such relationships must be forged in the right spirit. You want both parties to be willing and able to contribute the way that they should.

Your relationship is really where things happen. Your relationship is the foundation, which should be higher on your priority list. Your relationship is the bond you share with someone and to me, is the core of anything resembling a title. I say that to say this, a relationship may allow more flexibility than a title. Believe it or not, titles conjure up some obligations that aren’t always able to be met. Although these obligations may be few they may be hard to always keep up.

Read more on SingleBlackMale.org

You Might Want To Avoid Large Groups of Girlfriends While Meeting Men

December 17th, 2012 - By madamenoire
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Credit: Sutterstock

Credit: Sutterstock

From Single Black Male

I don’t go out as often as I used to in my younger days, but there is one phenomenon that has baffled me since I was young: large groups of single women “looking” to meet a man. To be clear, most large groups of women aren’t looking to meet men.  Most women (claim they) go out to enjoy the company of their friends, drink, and have a good time. The last thing they (claim they) want to do is meet a man! This is despite the fact that they spent hours shaving, plucking, and dressing in an sexually appealing manner, yet will simultaneously argue that they didn’t shave, pluck, and dress up for other women. So who are they dressed up and looking good for? I have no idea; themselves, I guess.

On the other hand, most men go out to meet women.  Men shave and dress up for women – and they admit it. Some people report that you can’t find your wife/husband in the club – or apparently, anywhere on Earth that men and women might consistently frequent – which is strange, since the people who say this are the same people who frequent these places the most often. But, back to the issue at hand. Why do women bring so many other women with them to places they claim they want to meet a man, and why are they so hesitant to go to those places by themselves?

Read more at SingleBlackMale.org.

Straight From His Mouth: Can A Romantic Relationship Be Spawned From An Online Connection?

November 19th, 2012 - By Dr. J
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These days more and more connections are starting from online communication. Whether that be because of Twitter, Facebook, or the comments section of a popular blog, the hook ups are happening almost at the same rate we saw back in the days of Blackplanet and AOL/Yahoo chat rooms. Keeping that in mind, the next logical question is, exactly how far can these connections go and is it really possible that a romantic relationship could be spawned from these connections? I say yes. In fact, I think that your chances of finding love or potential dating partners are just about the same if not better when dating online. The obvious criticism of online dating is that you don’t really know the person behind the computer; however, that’s really no different than meeting people is person.

Logically speaking, you may meet someone in a bar or even at a bookstore but you really have no clue who they are, and typically your next interaction will come a lot quicker than it would in an online relationship. How many times do you hear a story about a woman who is dating a man only to later find out that he has a wife or existing girlfriend? Now think about whether the chances of that happening are actually greater when dating someone you met online versus in-person. There’s really no real way to say either is safer or a surer bet.

I had a friend ask me if I’ve ever seen a romantic relationship develop between the readers of my blog, SingleBlackMale.org. I told her not only have I seen relationships develop, I’ve seen them prosper. I’ve seen everything from casual encounters all the way to marriage. Yes, there are people who meet in the comments section of a blog who go on to end up connecting with each other and then dating to the point of marriage. I also went on to say that dating people you meet online allows you to create buffers that aren’t always afforded in in-person connections. When you meet someone in a coffee shop and you’ve already seen one another, you’re likely to move towards seeing each other again as soon as possible. However, when you meet someone online you’re likely to email, Gchat or Skype a few times before you actually decide to have an in-person date. That’s a great advantage.

The other thing that these online connections benefit from is their ability to allow you to get to know each other by doing your research. Typically, when we go out and try to find information on a potential partner we ask mutual friends or we set up group meetings so that we can bounce our impression off that of our friends. When you meet someone on Twitter or Facebook, while I don’t recommend stalking, you have the ability to see the full body of work of a person. You can obtain a bird’s eye view into their sense of logic, humor, and values. This is all provided that a person doesn’t use their Twitter account to be someone that they’re not, and that’s something that most can determine just by noting the personality consistency over various mediums of communication.

Just to circle back to a previous point and expand for a moment, for anyone who might be interested in dating someone they’ve met online let’s be clear: You can’t use online platforms as a crutch for real contact and communication. The only thing that is going to change when you date online is the medium in which you meet the person. The opportunity to share a few emails and Gchat sessions gives you a chance to get to know one another before you’re having an awkward coffee date or sharing a meal together. It is not an excuse not to use traditional communication tools. There should still be phone contact, there should still be a genuine interest in meeting one another in-person, and while most of us love Gchat we have to find ways to transition to platforms like Skype or a video chatting platform. My reason being is that Skype is one-on-one attention as opposed to Gchat where you can hold multiple conversations at the same time. The point is that the online dating creates a buffer between the initial contact and the time which you meet in-person or actually decide that you like this person enough to take things to the next level.

I agree there are creepers everywhere. The internet used to be a safe haven for them to prowl. What I’m seeing lately is more of an interest from Twitter followers and Facebook friends to notice consistencies in a person’s online persona versus their real-life persona. When you meet online, you take away the potential that your relationship grows because of a physical or sexual attraction without getting to know each other mentally and emotionally. Those are the real predators and creepers. In my opinion, there’s no real difference between receiving a surprising DM in your Twitter inbox and walking through a lounge and being hit on by a random. The only difference is that, if you decide, one of those people can be ignored and the other is standing in front of you threatening to ruin your night.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

Five Crazy Things Women Expect From Men

November 12th, 2012 - By madamenoire
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From Single Black Male

I haven’t dated a lot but I’ve dated enough. Over the years, I’ve learned that women – and ladies, I love you dearly – have some ridiculous expectations when it comes to what a man is supposed to do in the relationship. I’m not talking about things like courtship in 2012 even though a lot of you “independent women” make more money than us and have more graduate degrees than us or how men always have to be the first to approach. I think we can all agree those things and many others are ridiculous, but at least they make logical sense and have a basis grounded in history. Today, I’m talking about expectations that really are ridiculous and their ridiculousness aren’t up for debate. While I could have made a list of 100, I chose to start-off with five. I trust my brothers-in-arms can add to the list in the comment section. Without further ado…

Read more at SingleBlackMale.org.

Straight From His Mouth: Is It Really Easier For Men To Find Their Soulmates?

November 12th, 2012 - By WisdomIsMisery
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Last month, I wrote about Why Men Settle. As part of that discussion, a number of women wondered why a man would ever settle in love when it seems like they have far more choices than women do. I understand how that might seem confusing, but I’m also unsure this popular sentiment is even true. For one, I’m on the fence about if dating is really easier for men. Taking it a step further, is finding a wife/love/soul mate any easier for men than it is for women? I don’t think so. Let’s break down the various assumptions about dating for men.

There are not enough good black men: True and false.

The popular headline is that there are less viable black men for viable black women. There are generally a few errors when this much re-hashed story breaks. First, it assumes a ‘viable black male’ can be quantified using objective measurements, usually schooling and income. For example, they report that more black men are in jail than in college. This is a blatant lie, which you can read more about from this unlikely source here, so I won’t bother dissecting it. They go on to report that we have a high number of high school drop outs, which is true, but they don’t account for the fact that high school drop outs and jail rates are both interrelated and often reflective of the same population. As an extension of this point, the same can be said for college graduation rates – as black women do outnumber black men in enrollment and graduations, but only 30% of Americans have a college degree and miraculously, people still get married every day of the week.  Income is by far the fairest measurement; however, simple arithmetic dictates that the higher your income requirement for a prospective mate – and you are free to have one – the less people will meet it.

Potential mate populations aside, I’m willing to admit that the way people traditionally date – with the expectation that men approach women – might make it easier for a man to initially meet a woman. The real question is how much impact does one to one ratios matter if women don’t proactively choose from available men anyway?

The dating odds are in men’s favor: False.

For this to be true, we have to assume that men 1) like approaching women and 2) are good at it when they do. I’m fairly certain the claims about huge numbers of men that like approaching strange women and risk getting turned down every time they do is greatly exaggerated. However, for the sake of today’s argument, we can assume men like approaching strange women and vying for their attention.

Regardless if this is true or false, the difference for men and women is that if there is a certain type of men women want to approach them, women can at least go to an establishment where those types of men are more likely to reside and place herself in the “line of fire.” On the other hand, if a man isn’t good at approaching women, there is no way to overcome it (unless he’s a baller?). A man who doesn’t have “game” will be equally unsuccessful in a room full of attractive women as he will be in a room full of unattractive women. Independent of the environment he is in, it is the embodiment of the woman that he will always struggle to approach. Even if the availability of women is in his favor, it doesn’t improve his success rates in the slightest.

To be fair, let’s assume the man we’re discussing is decent at approaching women, has money, is educated, and hasn’t been to jail. Are we still assigning blame to the wrong part of the dating problem?

An Unfaithful Man Answers The Question: Why Do Men Cheat?

October 22nd, 2012 - By MN Editor
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Dear SBM,

I just want to know why a man would continue to cheat after begging a woman to take him back? And does he think that because she took him back that she’ll put up with it? My coworker was telling us about an argument he had with the mother of his baby in which he ended by telling her that he’s not changing. I could see where her anger was coming from to a degree, I mean he did cheat on her so she was expecting him to be grateful that she took him back, but women’s intuition also tells me that she expected him to miraculously turn into a new person. Just some background for you, he admits to having side pieces throughout their entire relationship (including her pregnancy) and they broke up a few months after the baby was born because she found some evidence of his indiscretions. They got back together a few months ago but he still says that he’s cheating and will continue to do so as long as he wants. From the way he describes their current relationship, it seems as though he has gotten even more comfortable and offers no apologies for his behaviors in and out of the house. Of course, I realize that I have only really gotten half of these stories and he could just be exaggerating, but I doubt it. Why does a cheater even want to be in a relationship if he’s decided that he’s not going to be faithful? And does it signal to him that he can continue to cheat if a woman takes him back?

I’ll start off by quoting some statistics for context. I read a story earlier this year that estimated between 15 percent of women and 20 percent of men are unfaithful. Women are less likely to get caught. Ninety-five percent of women and 83 percent of men reported they “successfully” cheated without their spouses ever finding out. These are married people so who knows how desolate the landscape of relationships and pseudo-relationships looks. I only point this out to note that there are a number of unfaithful people among us and many of them will never get caught (or so they believe). Specific to your friend’s situation, you seem have two main questions:

 

Read the breakdown as to why men cheat at SBM (Single Black Male).

Single Black Male: How Do Men Feel About Turning 30?

October 8th, 2012 - By Dr. J
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Last week, I celebrated a birthday. Without getting too deep into the details of a man who is struggling with the fact that age 30 is soon to come, let’s just say, it’s right over the horizon. Many of my close friends, mentors and family began to ask me more this year, “What are your goals for this year?” I’ve never gotten this question as much as I got it this year, but it made me think to myself. What goes through a man’s head when he’s facing 30?

I would imagine this question would be a lot easier to answer if I had hit some of those life landmarks that many others have, but I haven’t. I’m single, I live in an apartment, I still live in the city that I was raised in (despite leaving for college), and it’s becoming increasingly important that I focus on my career as I head into my highest earning years.

Career

In your early twenties, you’re just starting out in your career. You haven’t made any firm decisions on grad school or if you’re actually in the career that you want to stay in for the rest of your life. However, in your late twenties it becomes evident that you’re either in the career that you’ll be in for a long time, or it’s time to get out now in order to avoid being stuck. In my early twenties, I spent most of my time focusing on hitting my goals at work, but also doing just a little less than my ultimate best. Happy hour much? I sure did. Now that I’m in my late twenties and looking at thirty, I’m thinking about exactly who I want to be professionally and what position I want to be in as I reach thirty. This requires that I spend more time focusing on being my best daily at work and sacrificing temporary fun in nightlife for high powered days in the office.

Location

There comes a point in everyone’s life when they start to ask themselves if they’ll ever leave their hometown. It’s a safe network and if your family is around, you’re used to it. Of course, many of us go away for school, but many of us come right back afterwards and settle back into our old routines. I’m originally from Washington, DC, and I love this city dearly. I’ve spent extensive time in New York and Atlanta, but neither fit me the same way that DC has fit. I know that I don’t want to be in DC for the rest of my life because I know there are new experiences that I want to encounter. I also know that this requires that I really begin giving this some thought now. Inevitably, as my family ages, there may be a need for me to come back one day, so it’d be best I leave soon.

Home Ownership

Personally, I think that young adults put too much emphasis on home ownership. I’ve always felt like I didn’t want to purchase a home that was less than the quality of living I desired, just to call myself a homeowner. However, the nature of renting is that the cost goes up every year. At a certain point, you look up and you’re as angered by your rent as the taxes that come out of your paycheck. What does this mean for me? It means that it’s time that I make a decision. Do I want to save a huge chunk of money for a home, or do I want to just YOLO the experience and see what type of condominium my current financial situation will allow me to purchase?

Relationships

As a man reaches the age of 30, we realize that being married by the age of 30 is not all that important. We’ll be just fine if we’re single well into our thirties. However, if we’re smart we begin having a conversation with ourselves about what we really want out of a mate. Whether that is a girlfriend or a potential wife, we have to stop playing games with women we really don’t see any type of future with and focus on substance. That conversation we have with ourselves leads us to an introspective look into whether we want children, and if we think that marriage is a part of that desire. I think that where I am is realizing that I have no intentions of bringing children into a single parent household and that means that I’ll have to find a mate who agrees.

As men near thirty the conversations that we have with ourselves become heavy. They become meaningful and they become conversations that aren’t as youthful as the ones we had in our early twenties. We’re running out of years to make mistakes and have them categorized as excused absences. I think I reached this birthday and I told myself, this is it Jay. I’m not sure many men feel the same way; 30 is not the end of the world, but it is surely the end of your twenties.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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Single Black Male: Why Don’t Women Understand When Men Are Just Trying To Sleep With Them?

September 17th, 2012 - By Dr. J
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“Is he just trying to have sex with me, or is he really interested?” 

Perhaps, the reason it’s so difficult for women to figure out if a man’s sole purpose is sexual is because most men are raised with the foundation of their “game” rooted in “tell her what she wants to hear.” It may not have been our father, older brother or cousin, but somewhere along the way, a group of wise men sat in a room and bestowed upon us that in order to get anywhere with a woman you just “tell her what she wants to hear.” Inevitably this causes women to live in a constant state of paranoia and confusion.

A Feeling of Invincibility 

To be honest, the main reason why most women can’t tell when men are trying to sleep with them is because of a feeling of invincibility. Many women believe that they mature faster than men; some even go as far to think that women are smarter or cleverer than men. This is simply not true in all cases. This feeling of invincibility or superiority in the game of the birds and bees allows men to deceive women because they could never imagine that a man would be able to outsmart them. In some cases, it may not even be an issue of wisdom, but an issue of being overly confident. “Who in their right mind wouldn’t want me?!” That mindset will lead you into situations where men take advantage of you.

The Difference between Dreams and Reality 

All of us struggle with separating dreams and reality. We have an idea of how we’d like the situation to be in our head, and at times, nothing could be further from the reality of the situation. Women will tell their friends that the reason he only texts and never calls is because “he’s busy.” They’ll also tell their friends that the reason why he only comes by late at night and never stays over is because “he’s got a lot going on at work.” In their mind, everything makes sense because of his “situation,” but they often neglect their own situation. He may be your dream guy, but in reality he’s giving you no more than a booty call.

Inability to Accept Failure 

In addition to a feeling of invincibility or inability to separate dreams from reality, women sometimes don’t want to admit failure. They want to think in their mind that in the end this will lead to a relationship or marriage. They want to think that if they put in the effort, then good things will come to them. Even when they’re faced with the obvious truth, they don’t want to admit their circumstance because they don’t want to feel embarrassed. There aren’t many women out there who are bold enough to admit to their friends, “All he wanted was sex.”

So, what can women do to avoid this situation? 

The solution is simple. Evaluate your relationships with men based on the connections that you have. Is the connection or attraction, sexual or emotional? It’s actually just that simple, but we overcomplicate it trying to avoid having the egg on our face. If a man is interested in pursuing something serious with a woman he cares about how, he will communicate emotionally, not just sexually. His communication won’t always lead to sex or something physical, but they will be more emotional in nature.

Think of it this way, he’ll ask you, “How was your day?” instead of “What are you doing later tonight?” He’ll tell you, “I really like where things are going” instead of “I’m trying to see what’s good.” You’ll have to be honest with yourself too. In all things relationship related you have to take things at face value, and if they don’t make sense, speak up. If you are confused about where things are going, there’s nothing more clarifying than a simple question, “Where is this going?” If a man finds it hard to respond to this question, or hesitates, it’s a sign. Don’t ignore those signs, pay attention to those signs, and check your goals in a relationship against his actions. If you’re able to come to an honest assessment about your situation, whether privately or with the help of friends, you’ll avoid being just another girl in a man’s sexual adventures.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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