All Articles Tagged "sexual history"
Throughout most of my life, I’ve often heard the phrase “you can’t turn a ho into a housewife.” Whether it’s Snoop screaming on tracks that “[he] don’t love these hoes” or Ludacris rapping about how “hoes are for everybody,” the message is clear: Men don’t want to date, marry, talk to, be seen or associated with hoes. For a minute, we’re going to ignore the immeasurable number of men (famous, infamous, and regular alike) who have found themselves in the same company of “these types” of women and focus on the crux of the problem. The reality is there are men who don’t want to “wife” a “hoe” because they never want to find themselves in a situation where their women’s sexual history will come back to haunt them.
First thing’s first, I used the word “hoe” in the last paragraph. For the purposes of this discussion, we’ll just say a hoe is a woman whose sexual morals don’t fit the same parameters as the man who wants to court her. Now that that’s out of the way, let me take you through a man’s worst nightmare and why potentially wifing up a woman with a questionable past is a terrifying endeavor.
Picture a group of about 10 men chilling in a random basement watching a football game. All the men are glued to the television, cheering on their respective teams, slapping fives and shooting the breeze about the kinds of things men like to talk about. During the game, a man (we’ll call him Greg) receives a phone call. Greg’s face lights up, as his girlfriend, Alicia, has called him up to tell him she bought a case of his favorite beer for the game. Greg is excited, and profusely thanks Alicia. Greg tells her how much he loves and cherishes her, how happy he is to have her in his life and he can’t wait to see her soon.
Sitting next to Greg is Steve, who overhears the conversation. Steve says to Greg, “what the hell are you so happy about?” Greg tells Steve, “nothing man. Just got off the phone with my girlfriend and she’s about to bring me some beers for the game.” Steve laments to Greg about how awesome his girlfriend is and Greg nods in agreement. All of a sudden the room falls silent and all the men turn around to look at Greg. From the back of the room, one of the men yell out “Alicia?” Greg affirmatively nods. Another man says, “Alicia…Stuart? From Queens?” Greg nods again, this time with a bit of nervousness setting in. Finally a third man says quietly, “you’re not talking about Alicia Stuart, a little light skin chick who used to work over at the cafeteria are you?” Greg begins to sweat as he nods slowly and all the men exchange the “look.” The look that says, “bro…I can’t believe that’s your girlfriend.”
That might not mean much to you reading it, but I encourage any of you doubting the terror in this scenario to speak with any man in your life and asks him how he’d feel about this situation. It’s a wildly uncomfortable situation for a man to find himself in and all that talk of “not loving hoes” has everything to do with not wanting to be the “Greg” in this situation.”
Personally, dating a woman with a past isn’t a huge issue. Saying that, however, comes with a few caveats. I have no issues with women who have a past, but I don’t want that past to interfere with our present. Meaning, whatever it is a woman used to do in her past life that might’ve been less than savory, I don’t want to hear about it from someone else. If my girlfriend used to be the talk of the town and got passed around to different guys like malt liquor on a hot summer’s day, that’s not something I care to know about her. I’m not one to make inquiries about my lady’s past sex life because I don’t care. She’s with me now. I know she’s not a virgin. I know I’m not the first person she’s ever put on a performance for. I know I’m not the first guy she did that little thing with her tongue to. I can handle that. What I can’t handle is sitting around a bunch of men talking about football and hearing snickers when my girlfriend’s name comes up…or any videos circling the internet.
In short, I can deal with a woman who had “hoe-like” tendencies in the past, but if I can help it, I’d rather not hear about it.
Sometimes, a good lie can really get the ball rolling; the small seemingly innocent fib about your interest in the San Antonio Spurs mirrors the untruth that he tells about his appreciation of art history to show you’re both interested in the other. And, barring a visit from Tim Duncan or the ghost of Jean-Michel Basquiat to test your knowledge, you’re both in the clear. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, those two lies probably won’t be game changers, and it will probably be chucked to “one of those things that we said when we first met.”
While a few offhand fabrications may make for good utensils for conversation, too many lies, white or otherwise, can color your relationship in a negative way. Some things should never be lied about, especially if the result of that lie will lead to the collapse of your relationship in the future.
Fundamentally, a person is comprised of things that they have said, seen, and done. So, when a person takes to being untruthful about their personal history, it’s a bit more serious than lying about liking Pepsi more than Coca-Cola. The things that a person has witnessed and experienced: deaths, births, school, imprisonment, marriage, and various milestone, are important to share and to be honest about. These collective factors contribute to the type of relationships that they will have or maintain.
Things are hard all ‘round, so while most people aren’t really searching the market for an unemployed partner, most folks aren’t in the position to judge you for being underemployed or unemployed –so don’t lie. In addition to claiming that you have a job when you don’t, please don’t lie about how much you make because you will be found out. There is no reason to tell someone you are rolling in dough when you roll mop buckets across the floor as a custodian at the local junior high for a decent wage. Keep it real.
There’s no need to worry if you tell a lie about knowing how to freestyle or sew. After all, there’s a slim chance that your honey will approach you to spit a verse or sew up the holes in his socks. But, if you lie about your ability to drive or your ability to cook, once again, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll be found out. Some things are not worth the charade that will ensue if you decide to perpetuate that lie. Yes, men love women who can cook, but it’s perfectly acceptable if you don’t know how to do gender-typical roles. That’s what takeout is for, after all. Just be upfront so he can decide how he feels about it.
As close and in love as you may be with your current partner, I think it’s safe to say there’s something your partner doesn’t know about you. While I believe that most couples should have little to no secrets between them, revealing too much or digging up the past that has no bearing on who you are today may be irrelevant, and cause unnecessary drama in your relationship. All couples are different, and if you feel your union is so strong that it can sustain anything that you divulge about yourself, then great! But if you don’t feel obligated to reveal everything there is to know about your life, here are a few things we feel you might be able to keep close to the vest…with a few caveats of course.