All Articles Tagged "sex"

Don’t Let The Sex Talk With Your Kids Be Taboo

August 28th, 2015 - By Allyson Leak
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Pre-Teens in Texas Having Sex?!

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I’m 33-years-old and a mother now, and a few years ago I asked my friends if their mothers ever had the ‘sex talk’ with them. To my surprise they all said ‘no.’ I was in that same boat because my mother never had the ‘talk’ with me either. We all just learned on our own, and in hindsight, I wish someone would have talked to me.

I guess the conversation was a little taboo for my mother’s generation, but sexuality is such an important part of a person’s identity. Sexuality should be embraced as something beautiful that is to be respected. It’s so important to talk to kids about sex because they’re receiving messages about sexuality from TV, music, and their peers–and the messages they get aren’t always positive.

A study from the National Survey of Family Growth held from 2006 to 2008 showed that more than 40 percent of U.S. teenagers have had sex at least once.

If you have a preteen or teenager and you haven’t had the sex talk with them yet, here are some things to consider:

Assess Your Beliefs First
It’s important to first assess your own thoughts and feelings surrounding sexuality before talking to your child. Your tone in the conversation is very important, so if, for example, you have negative feelings surrounding sexuality you should deal with those first.

Keep The Goal In Mind
The goal of sex education with your child shouldn’t only be to scare them to death. It should be for them to gain a positive view of sexuality, understand their bodies better, know some of the cons of having sex too early, and to learn about safe sex practices. You want them to be able to make healthy decisions on their own based off of what you tell them.

Conversation Starters
This can be an awkward conversation for some parents and teens, so you could use an example from a movie that you saw together as a family and ask their opinion about a certain scene. To kick things off, could also make up a scenario question and ask them which answer they think is the best.

Connect
You may want to consider explaining why you feel the way you do about sex. This is the time to use any examples that support your values. Sharing a tidbit from a personal experience allows you to connect and may help them feel more comfortable opening up with you in the conversation or in the future.

The Birds And The Bees
You can use an online program for sex education to help guide you or you can use diagrams with images and explain both the male and female bodies. Then you can ask them what they already know and then explain what happens during sexual intercourse.

Abstinence
After you have explained how sex works, talk to them about why it’s important to wait until it’s with the right person and the right time. You can give them suggestions and brainstorm together about ways they can talk with their romantic partners about delaying sex.

Safe Sex
Regardless of whether they are sexually active or not, talking about safe sex is important. Based on the statistic above, if you want them to avoid an unplanned pregnancy or getting an STD then their knowledge about contraception is important. Make sure he or she knows where to get safe sex supplies and birth control. Let them know that you are more than willing to take them to a sexual and reproductive health center if they want to go.

Last Resort
If by any chance your child is so uncomfortable that they refuse or are totally tuned out when talking with you, then tell them their other option is to talk with a professional at a local reproductive health center. Even though you may want to be the one to have the talk, it’s better that they have it with someone versus no one at all.

“I Don’t Understand This Obsession With Tightness”: South African Web Series Goes There With Black Women And Sex

August 26th, 2015 - By Chelcee Johns
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“Women On Sex” Screenshot

A South African based web series is tackling the topic of Black women and sex head on in their candid conversations. Mmabatho Montsho, a South African actress, produced “Women on Sex” to explore the impact of sex in the everyday lives of South African woman, but many of her honest talks impact Black woman across the world.

The latest installment of the 10-part series discusses Emancipating the Vagina and Rape Culture. In talks of freeing a woman’s private parts, ladies can be seen discussing common sex myths attached to frequent sexual activity.

“I heard that you could tell a girl has too much sex by the amount of cellulite on her thighs. So, I used to workout so hard… so people don’t accuse me of having sex,” said South African actress Masasa Mbangeni.

Mbangei was not the only woman once worried about what others thought of their down below.

“I heard if you have a big bum and you’ve got a gap (between your thighs) that means your vagina is tighter. I don’t really understand this obsession with tightness,” Mbangeni says while shaking her head.

And while you may not have kept in the gym to wan off sex rumors, many women have taken up using kegels to tighten their vaginal walls due to the myth of unrecoverable “looseness.”

“There are people who have arguments, literal debates on Twitter about, ‘This woman is so loose and we know. Because, now, when I had sex with her, I didn’t feel anything because her vagina’s just so loose,'” said Tshegotaso Senne. “And I’m like, ‘But if a woman can give birth and her vagina can bounce back, then what is your penis going to do?'”

Senne and many other professional women laugh and joke as they discuss the mentalities surrounding Black women’s sexuality, but there is one topic that is of acute seriousness. In the latest episode, Rape Culture, the women discuss men’s aggressive nature in pursuit.

“When I wear something short… I might feel confident and I might feel comfortable, but I have that fear that the men who are looking at me, may want to do something. We’ve normalized that fear, that if you wear something short, you must know you might get attacked,” said Itumeleng Modise.

Montsho, the web series’ creator, began the show as a part of South Africa’s Women’s Month, but believes these conversation should be explored at all times.

“There are so many factors that influence not only how and when black women have sex, but also how, where and when we are able to talk about it freely,” Montsho said. “Social media has provided a wonderful platform for black women to ensure that their voices are heard and as a budding director, I felt I could contribute another platform for candid conversations about sex and to put it on record.”

Born Again Virgin Chronicles: Why I Started Practicing Celibacy

August 22nd, 2015 - By Liz Lampkin
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Source: Corbis

Source: Corbis

There’s a lot to be said about a person, or a couple who decides to walk away from the normal routine of engaging in sexual intimacy in relationships and decides to practice celibacy. With all of the temptations through song lyrics, movies, television, and of course the all mighty Internet it’s easy to fall prey to sexual temptations. A few years ago, I made the unconscious choice to practice celibacy. I say unconscious because I hadn’t been actively dating anyone, and I’ve never been the type to randomly sleep around so going without wasn’t an issue. I also had no real intentions of not having sex before marriage. Why would I? There was no real reason too, and honestly speaking I enjoyed having sex! So why on earth would I deliberately give it up (no pun intended)? As time passed I did some soul-searching and reflecting about my past relationships, and I realized that each of them failed miserably because they were built on physical attraction and satisfying my sexual needs. So, I made up in my mind that, that way of thinking was no longer good enough for me.

After taking a deep look into my heart, I made the conscious decision to delve into the journey of practicing celibacy. However, before things were set in stone I had to be sure that my reasons were not superficial, and that I would be a stronger person as a result of doing this. So I thoroughly reviewed everything that was in my head and on my heart about celibacy; things like how do I tell a guy I’m dating that he’s not getting any? When do I tell him? How will he react towards me? Will he still be interested in me? How will I survive my urges? And most importantly, can I have a viable relationship without having sex? Plus, I had to consider what it truly meant to practice celibacy and seriously think about everything I would be giving up: no oral sex, no masturbation (not that I did it anyway), no toys, foreplay, nothing! I couldn’t engage in or have any sexual pleasure of any kind.

Naturally I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about what I was about to do, but after much deliberation and prayer I finally came to the conclusion that this was the right thing for me to do. I also discovered that not only was this a good decision for me, but a good one for my future husband. Why? Let’s think about it, what man wants a wife whose vagina is that of a revolving door? Putting a lock on my treasures is the least thing I can do for my future spouse, right? I mean after all, I’m already not a pure virgin so I can at least be a born again virgin in his eyes. I’ll admit, while thinking about my reasons for making this commitment I got nervous, and I trembled almost to the point of tears because I was unsure of what I was truly getting into. Then I further thought, “What if no man is willing to accept my decision? Will I die without ever having sex again?” As much as these questions and other thoughts plagued my mind, I knew in my heart this was the right thing to do at this point in my life no matter how much it frightened me.

I know this won’t be an easy course, but I have to remain positive, and stay committed to the choice I made. Besides, who knows what will come of this journey…one things for sure, it won’t be me anytime soon.

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For?, a motivational speaker, and an advocate for single women to live their best single lives God’s way. Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Thoughts Every Woman Has When She Sees “It” For The First Time

August 19th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Tumblr

Image Source: Tumblr

You’re in the bedroom; he’s unzipped and the moment of truth is at hand. But whether it’s your first time or you’re anything but a newbie when it comes to sex, these are the thoughts that run through every woman’s head when she first gets a glimpse of what a guy is packing.

You Carry The DNA Of Men You’ve Slept With And Other Reasons To Be A Choosy Lover

August 17th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Think you’ve found Mr. Right Now? You might want to think again. We have 14 surprising reasons to think twice before choosing your next partner for a roll in the hay.

Still Faking Your Orgasms? Easy Routes To The Real Thing

August 13th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

When it comes to reaching the big “O,” climaxing occasionally is not enough. Luckily, the key to having more orgasms is just a position away.

Is Recreational Viagra The Newest Hollywood Trend? Celebs Who Have Used The Little Blue Pill

August 12th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Source: WENN

Source: WENN

According to reports, Joe Jackson reportedly suffered a stroke and three heart attacks recently after popping Viagra while in Brazil. Thankfully, he’s doing okay thanks to a pacemaker, but news of his use of the little blue pills isn’t surprising. In fact, quite a few stars have opened up about using Viagra from time to time. From Big Boi to Ben Affleck, these stars weren’t ashamed to admit that they’ve tried the popular pill.

Sexual Healing Is Actually A Thing: Scientific Ways To Heal Yourself With Sex

August 4th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Sex can do a lot more than just make you feel good. Heal yourself with sex and you can double your pleasure and possibly live longer.

Would You Have Closure Sex?

July 30th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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First date sex

Source: Corbis

Jill Scott’s number one selling album Woman really tells some complex stories. Earlier, we told you about the single “Closure” about deciding to sleep with a man one, last time before you end the relationship. When Jill  appeared on “The Breakfast Club,” Angela Yee couldn’t wait to ask her about this concept and whether or not she believed this could work in real life.

See what Jilly from Philly had to say about the concept.

I think it can work. Hey, listen, any port in the storm is where I’m at with it. It’s worked. 

For me, I’ve had that experience and that last one was not the best one. My feet were already on my way out. I knew this was it. It’s a rap. This is the last time, Making a conscious decision and then saying I’m going to give my body this one more time. I didn’t second guess or regret or anything. 

Charlemagne: What’s the point of that though? Why can’t a phone conversation be the end of it?

Sometimes phone calls work with some people. Sometimes they don’t. Like I said, any port in a storm. When you’re trying to get away from something that’s not necessarily beneficial to you–you’ve had that conversation before. ‘Look, we’re not going to do this anymore. It was great but…I want more for my life.’ Then here he comes again, smelling like that and then all of a sudden, you change your mind and then you’re right back where you started. You know when someone has that “thang” it’s really challenging to walk away from it. 

This is not about a love relationship. This is about two people that are friends, homie, lover, friends if you will. And we have a great time. But in order to get more, in order to have a well-balanced relationship, a participant in your life. Not just somebody who makes it good, real quick and then disappears. I’m talking about a partnership, in order to have that, you’ve got to make way, you’ve got to make room. That’s the reason for the Closure. 

Hmm…

Initially, when I heard that song, I thought Jill was talking about a man she’d once loved. But listening to the sound of that broke down brotha’s voice, I should have known better. This man was just a cut buddy. Which changes things. True, there is still a chance that you could get in that room and experience some things that will make you reconsider; but if you never loved the person, then it might not be so hard to walk away.

Still, it’s easier said that done.

I know a few women who like to pretend they can have sex casually. But truth be told, they cared more than they wanted to…and in most cases, couldn’t even save face and hide it.

Proceed with caution.

What do you think about this concept? Are you the type of woman who could have closure sex? Have some of you done it before? Did things work out as planned? Do tell.

Sex And The Single Sister: Booty Calls And Hook Up Rules

July 8th, 2015 - By Rich
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Love Lesson: The Rules of Hookup Buddies, Booty Calls and No Strings Attached Casual Sex

Author Daniel Bergner’s book “What Do Women Want” became a hot topic when he revealed, “women’s desire – its inherent range and innate power – is an underestimated and constrained force.” His research uncovered that, “despite the notions our culture continues to imbue, this force is not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety.” He brings the point home with, “one of our most comforting assumptions – soothing perhaps above all to men, but clung to by both sexes – that female eros is much better made for monogamy than the male libido, is scarcely more than a fairytale.” Really?

It’s taken for granted that men have sexual needs but for some reason it is still shocking in our society that women are sexual creatures. That’s what all of the articles on hook up rules, culture and BET’s “Being Mary Jane” are saying between the lines – wow, look, women want and need sex. On the other hand, you are probably having the same reaction I that had when I read that quote. Obviously, sir.

Let’s all breathe a collective “duh” into the ether and move forward. After all, we women have the only body part that exists solely for the purpose of pleasure. The beatific miracle called the clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings. Eight thousand! Yes, desire is a part of our domain.

Desire is defined by dictionary.com as “a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.” I define desire as a force of passion. When we are passionate about our families, our careers, our health and our bodies, we are clear with ourselves about our desires in these areas.

Let’s discuss sexual desire and the single woman.

You are single. Your name is neither Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte nor Miranda but you are an unattached woman in a city, village or town somewhere. You are an adult woman with physical needs. What’s a consenting and desiring goddess to do?

Forget a fish out of water; when I became suddenly single after a ten-year relationship I felt like a fish tossed into a restaurant. I was flip flopping around without a leg to stand on. From flirting signals to dating rules, everything was new and confusing to me. When I finally got my sea legs I realized that I had no significant other to make decisions about my life. I never felt more free; free to say yes, no, maybe and next.

Singlistas, take the opportunity of your current unnattached status to live for you, without apology. We’re all used to being the sexual object of men. It’s an entirely different stance altogether to think of yourself as the subject, the leading lady of the story, not just the supporting the wife, girlfriend or mother role. You are not the image in someone else’s gaze.

Can we retire the whole virgin-whore concept already?

It’s not about “slut shaming” or “prude shaming.” The sexuality of real, full-blooded women is usually much less extreme.

I always have been a monogamy kind of girl. To each her own but casual sex just does not interest me. I enjoy gourmet intimacy, not fast food hookups. I also hold what I’m working with in high esteem. If I had a bounty of rubies and pearls would I offer them as a party favor? Probably not. A counter argument, though, is that one abundant in precious jewels might gain pleasure from sharing them. Your call.

Don’t get me wrong. I am far from a sexual snob. I’ve just never had a one night stand but then again that’s just semantics. Have I “made out” with someone and then opted not to see him again? Sure. The first, second, third base stuff from grade school is ridiculous. We use this supposed hierarchy of sex to make some encounters more or less egregious than others.

“I did not have sex with that woman.” Sure he did. You may not have had intercourse but you had sex. You exchanged sweat and sexual energy. You had sex. The same is true for all of us. Deal with it.

I speak to teen girls about discovering the strength to stand firmly in their own choices. I tell them that the decision of whether to have sex has nothing to do with being pure, chaste or untouchable but knowing instead that their bodies belong to them. You can’t “lose your virginity” like you lost your favorite locket.

I also add, when speaking to women no matter the age, that it is about having a sense of self-worth. You are not some dainty, weeping willow but what you are is more divine than anything on the planet. You are a succulent and juicy creator who deserves to be selective about who she allows into her heart, mind, spirit, womb and panties.

When it comes to being sexually empowered, two people could be taking what looks like the same actions with completely different intentions. Self-worth is the difference between a girl flashing her boobies in a “Girls Gone Wild” video for 10 seconds of peer-pressured infamy and an empowered woman who truly knows and values herself choosing to be a burlesque performer on a pole. The second woman seemingly has more agency in her life although we hold no judgments against the choices of the first.

If you are sleeping your way across the Garden State because it’s the only way you can feel loved, then you have an issue with self-loathing. If you decide like “A Year of Sex” author Mia Martina to be a sexual explorer because you want to know more about who you are, then have at it. As Brown Girls Burlesque star and “Prose & Lore” writer Essence Revealed says, “One of the biggest steps was when I stopped putting more value on other’s opinions of me than I did on how I feel about me. Once you stop caring about what ‘they’ will think, life gets so much better.” Indeed.

So, you find yourself unattached & horny.

This is where the Afrodite Encounter comes in. What’s an Afrodite Encounter? You may also know it as a Booty Call, No Strings Attached Sex, a Casual Encounter, One Night Stand, F*ck Buddy or Friends With Benefits arrangement. Aphrodite, of course, is the Greek goddess of love, pleasure and beauty. Her Egyptian contemporary is Hathor, the goddess of feminine love and joy.

Here are the “official” self-love rules for “casual encounters.” Remember, whomever you’re sleeping with, you still have to wake up with yourself. No matter how quick, short, small or whatever, it’s a sacred energy exchange. Treat yourself with care and respect your partner as well.

1- Be honest.

Tell the truth to yourself and to your lover. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? The correct answer should be, because I want to I had a client who felt that she was punishing your ex by being promiscuous.

Sexual repression forces people to feel that they have to be underground with the fact that they are a sexual being. Own your needs. Don’t lead anyone on. Be clear about what is happening. If you don’t want things to lead to a relationship, say so.

2- No Expectations.

Don’t feel a need to make it what it is. A booty call or one night stand is not a binding social contract. You know how many letters I get from women saying that they’re secretly in love with their hook up buddy and don’t know what to do about it?

Know what you can handle. You are signing up for an “it is what it is” status. Don’t try to turn it into “it’s complicated.” “It is what it is” does not include: being upset that he didn’t call or text, wanting breakfast in the morning, expecting that he will be an amazing lover or wanting him to give you money or presents. Those things would be great but if they weren’t a part of the deal so be it.

3- Use protection.

When I heard the stats of African American women contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases I had to create a Safe Sex Initiative. Safety comes first. Pretty penises spread diseases, too. Subscribe to the B.Y.O.C. school of dating.

If you think that there’s a chance that you will be naked together, Bring Your Own Condom. If the man thinks that you’re a slut because you want to be safe, keep it moving. He’s not worth your time anyway – and probably has a small wenus.

Safe sex also means sex that is emotionally safe. Make sure that your partner is reasonably sane before being alone with him. You always have the right to be treated with dignity. You’re not the jerk whisperer. Make your bedroom a toad-free zone.

4- Easy on the booze.

I know, I know. Liquor has been getting people laid since the beginning of time. One could certainly theorize that there might be little hookup culture without this social-sexual lubricant.

The fact is that we are more likely to have regrets if we’re blinded by wine goggles. On the more dangerous side of things, it’s easier for boundaries to be crossed when you’re drinking. Of course, you have the right to say no at any time. When we don’t have our faculties clear, we can easily place ourselves in harm’s way.

5- The Girlfriend Protection Club.

Always text your girlfriends the name and address of the person you’re meeting. I ask my friends to also send me quick license plate and photo face shots or any “stranger” they’re going out with. Paranoid? I think not. Have your fully charged phone with you at all times. (No, don’t answer it during.)

6- Be wary of the social media trail.

Have you ever laughed with friends over a photo of some man in a compromising position? You do know that they do the same, right? There are whole listservs dedicated to dudes trading photos and stats on hookups.

Is he tweeting, facebooking or instagramming about you? Be informed. This ain’t your grandma’s hook up days. The trail of your time together could last longer than the actual interaction.

7- Don’t linger.

Unless invited to stay longer, when your partner leaves the bed you should too. This guy told me that he often pretended he had to go somewhere and would actually get on the subway to get rid of women after a one night stand. Need clarification? Reread the section on “No expectations.”

Don’t “accidentally forget” your sweater. Give a hug and say goodbye. Know that lounging around with someone you’re not connected to won’t help you be less lonely or heal a broken heart. Letting the other party know that you’re open to a daytime date is a more honest way to go.

8- You can always change your mind.

You invited him over or went home with him and now you’re having second thoughts. You’re not obligated to do anything with him! At any point you have the right to change your mind. It doesn’t matter if you’re both completely naked. Your body, your choice.

As I have said often, someone buying you dinner (or anything) does not obligate you to have sex with him. Know your worth. No monetary scale exists to calculate your “P power.” Within you exists the power that creates worlds. Don’t barter that for the skirt steak.

9- Explore.

Feel free to step out of the box. Have fun! That’s why you’re there, right?

10- Practice being shameless.

A popular Guyanese insult via my mother and aunts is, “You got no shame?!” This could apply to anything from a wrinkled shirt to a failed grade. Guilt says ‘I did a bad thing’ and shame says ‘I am a bad person.’ Release them both. Shame and guilt are useless emotions.

Own your behavior. Take full responsibility for your actions as an adult.

You make choices. Some of them are great and others not so much. So what if it wasn’t your shining hour. Big deal. Welcome to the club of being human. You’ll make better choices tomorrow. Beating yourself up after the fact changes nothing.

Enjoy. You came, you saw, you conquered; not necessarily in that order. Lucky you.

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.