All Articles Tagged "sex"
We all go through a dry spell from time to time. But there are some good reasons to go out there and get your groove back. These consequences of not having sex (including the DIY kind) might surprise you.
My best friend and I sat at a local bar recently, commiserating about relationships over a basket of honey BBQ wings.
Her issue is that she loves them, they hurt her, she stays because she doesn’t want to be alone until she can’t stay any longer and then moves on to the next one without a break in between. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
My issue is that I love them, they hurt me and I swear off men for unnatural lengths of time until I get the courage to try and fail again. Then it is: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
We both confide in each other how much we admire the others strength. She admires my willpower and strength to be alone. I admire her ability to love freely, regardless of the outcome.
But at the end of our conversation we both came the realization that our separate love lives were the product of the same coin: the loving men coin. And regardless of what path we choose, we will both have to learn to love in a way that is comfortable for us.
I mention this story because of there is an interesting debate happening online among women about relationships.
On one side is Team Mo’Nique who recently caused quite a stir with comments she made about marriage. More specifically, the “I hate skinny girls” turned thin mint comedian confirmed, once again, that she is in fact in an open marriage. And as she tells True Exclusives.com:
“The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them. And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’… see when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually and I wanna share it with you’.. when you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations. Often times people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue and you say we’re just human beings and all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’. Now if you wanna go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you wanna sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”
That’s an interesting perspective to say the least. And a bit refreshing, especially when compared to the many wives in denial about their husband’s own philandering eyes.
Still there is the other side of the debate, which is Team Shonda Rhimes. And earlier this week, the 45-year old queen of scripted series appeared on Oprah’s Super Sunday to remind folks of all the fun she is having not being married to the same peen for the rest of her life.
More specifically, she told Oprah:
“I’m one of those people, since I was 5, I could tell you I was going to have kids. I could tell you I was going to have three. I could tell you they were going to be girls,” she says. “But I have never wanted to get married. I never played bride. I was never interested. I don’t know what it is; I never wanted to get married.”
Again, nothing wrong with owning your own decision.
Yet for the last couple of days, I have watched women – married, single and in between – go to battle with each other over which woman has the best philosophy on relationships. There is one side who feels that Mo’Nique is dumb and insecure. And then there is the other side who thinks Shonda is just a bitter old hag.
Meanwhile I feel like both sides are wrong. Because honestly, there are many definitions of a healthy relationship.
While most people have already written Mo’Nique off as a woman with low self-esteem, what I actually see in her is a woman who still desires a relationship with a particular man, but has also let go of the idea of what a relationship is supposed to look like.
Call it having a lack of faith in all men, but there is also the reality that regardless of how well she cooks, cleans, screws, or caters to her man, he is going to do whatever is in his heart to do. She can wait forever for that one guy that will be all of the things everyone tells her she should have in a relationship. But as many of us know, that wait might be a very long time. And more importantly, that dream relationship may never come.
Like my best friend, some people are just not down for sleeping alone. So she takes her imperfect relationship and makes it work for her. He has friends on the side. She has friends on the side. And at the end of the day, they are each other’s best friend. And that bond is likely more important than what they do sexually with other people.
Her relationship may not be what most of us grew up dreaming about (certainly not my cup of tea), but neither is life in general. Plus, clearly she has other things happening in her life – including kids, her career and gym times, besides worrying about what her husband is doing.
On the flip side you have Rhimes who from a very young age just said, “bump this dream mess all together, I’m going to just do me. And him. And him. And yes Gawd, him too”
And you know what: ain’t nothing wrong with that either.
Point is, although both of these women exist on opposite sides of the relationship coin, both have come to the same conclusion. Neither want to feel owned. Neither is seeking validation through traditional values and expectations. Both are determined to do love on their own terms. And neither of them give a damn what we feel about it.
And as sad as both situations sound to some folks, particularly those judging from the outside, both women have figured out what many of us are still learning. Basically, sometimes letting go – or never feeding into – expectations can bring its own happiness and rewards.
Personally, as I get closer to middle age, I am starting to desire commitment less and companionship more. I can’t tell you for sure what that looks like, but I can tell you it involves separate places and spaces.
It may not be ideal for everyone, but as long as I am happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?
Female ejaculation is a fascinating phenomena, mostly because, like orgasms, it's an art not everyone can achieve. If you've ever squirted yourself but weren't sure what it was, or always wondered how you could experience this expulsion of fluid during sex, here's your go-to guide.
Just a few months ago, we were debating about how long sex should last. Now, the focus is on frequency.
According to Forbes, a new study published in the journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science—that was one of the largest to explore the correlation between sex and happiness—suggests that one is the magical number when it comes to how often happily married couples are getting busy in a 7-day span.
Researchers poured over responses submitted by 11,000 men and 14,000 men who participated in the General Social Survey between 1989 and 2012. What they found was that most established couples are doing the horizontal mambo once a week, and they’re satisfied. Additionally results suggest that adding a night or two of sex didn’t boost happiness. Interestingly, they found no link to gender, and this trend seems to apply to newlyweds as well as couples that have already passed the golden anniversary.
Since the study only focused on correlation, we should note that the results do no suggest that setting out to have sex once a week makes a couple happier. And apparently, not everyone is here for these findings. Famed sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer slammed the “silly study” on Twitter because “all couples are different.”
Instead of allowing this survey to rule your sex life, she recommends that couples be vocal with one another about their sexual expectations.
“Couples should talk about how often they want to have sex & then try to meet whatever goal they agree on,” she tweeted. “Communication is key.”
Couples should talk about how often they want to have sex & then try to meet whatever goal they agree on. Communication is key
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) November 18, 2015
Growing up, dancehall music taught my friends and I that a tighter pum-pum (vagina) meant you’d have a better life. Essentially, your man would remain faithful, no other woman could ever compare to you, and you would be highly respected, if not worshiped. Unfortunately, Vybz Kartel’s lyrical fantasies do not hold weight in real life. Despite this, women across the globe invest in various products to help tighten their vaginal muscles on a daily basis. The financial benefits of this industry are so lucrative, France administers vaginal physical therapy to women who’ve had natural births. Luckily, if you don’t plan on moving to France anytime soon, there is a new product on the market to help with such needs: The Elvie.
The tiny gadget is an egg-shaped insertable device that has a long tail to wrap around your vulva in order to stay in place. Internally, the Elvie is embedded with a Bluetooth that connects with your phone to help record your exercise sessions. Users of the Elvie also have to download its app to follow exercise instructions. Before you begin, the Elvie reveals a breakdown of the training sessions into three sections: Training, Beginner, Intermediate and Advanced.
Starting as a Beginner, Reporter Elissa Strauss of Elle Magazine said she was instructed to move the Elvie to various locations in her nether region using only the muscles of her vaginal wall. After the exercise was completed, the Elvie gave her a score which Strauss said was low. However, she wasn’t surprised because she recently gave birth to a nine-pound baby and didn’t perform kegels regularly.
The Elvie instructed her to do these three exercises as follows: “[first] you lift, hold, and drop the “ball,” another requires you to pulse, and the third commands you to squeeze as hard as you can.” After regularly working out with her Elvie, Strauss claimed that it was easier for her to urinate and she felt more confident during sex, especially since she gave birth to her child. She explained that childbirth places a lot of stress on a woman’s pelvic floor. Because of this, a woman can experience leaking, uterine prolapse or incontinence. When vaginal muscles are stressed because of the birthing process, they either contract weakly, or not at all, during an orgasm. When this happens, a woman may not feel sexually satisfied after giving birth.
The Huffington Post also noted that stronger pelvic floor muscles help increase a woman’s libido. “When pelvic floor strengthening exercises are used, it creates a stronger genital mind connection, promoting more blood flow to the area. A stronger awareness can more easily put you in the mood when you otherwise might not be.”
Although vaginal strengthening is viewed in pop culture as a way for women to please men, it also helps women who have weak bladders or whose uterine walls are on the verge of collapsing. These health risks can cause discomfort and a woman’s uterus can even fall out of her vagina. Knowing this information, would you purchase the Elvie for $199 to for a stronger vagina?
When one celebrity says it happened, and the other denies it, who do you believe? From Matt Barnes and Rihanna to Andy Cohen and Lance Bass, these are all of the celebrities who spilled too much tea about their sex lives and had people wondering which party was lying.
Is the secret to having more orgasms demanding them? These celebrity women say they demand an orgasm every time — and it has transformed their sex lives.
by Jonquil Harris
I was 10 when I first begged my parents to tell me about “the birds and the bees.” I wanted to hear details about this thing that everyone fussed over so much. I didn’t have any preconceived ideas or colorful visions running through my imagination; I was simply curious and felt I was old enough to hear about this very important matter. I sat on the sofa with my ankles crossed and my hands clasped tightly in my lap, eager as if I were waiting to receive a huge bag of candy.
My parents sat on either side of me and took turns providing me with an overview of how the male and female body parts fit together, and that the result of the meshing of the two was a baby. Then they handed me a cartoonish book—which looked like it was printed in the late 1960s—and left me alone to delve into its contents. I saw both the male and female body parts of a couple who was married and in love, and even a G-rated sex scene. So, there it was all laid out in front of me; I now knew what sex was and I felt satisfied in the knowledge that was bestowed upon me.
But what I didn’t realize then was that sex is more than just a physical act. I was educated on the mechanics, but not everything that comes with it. It takes a higher level of maturity to discern when you’re ready and determine if you’re with a suitable partner. Although you will never know all there is to know, you must assume responsibility in making wise decisions that keep you emotionally and physically safe.
Now that my daughter is 10, I am formulating a sex talk for her I wish had been given to me. I want to have more than just one single discussion centered solely around the inner workings of the body and warnings about STDs, pregnancy, and staying away from bad boys. While these things are essential and must be pointed out, it is equally important to go a step further and have an ongoing conversation about everything that emanates from being intimate.
I will tell my daughter that while it’s easy to tell when you are physically ready for sex, it’s not as simple to determine if you are emotionally ready. When you’re young, it’s easy to be susceptible to the pressure of having sex. After my first experience, I assumed sex was something that should happen all the time. Speaking up and saying what I wanted never even occurred to me. My daughter will know how to set boundaries and that she has the final say in what does or doesn’t happen.
I want my daughter to have realistic expectations about sex. When you’re constantly told that you should abstain and wait until marriage—or that you should be a certain age, or that “nice girls don’t do things like that”—it forces you to ignore natural thoughts, feelings, and curiosities that should be explored. It gives you a very skewed view of what you may actually want for yourself. I was taught that you should be in love before you have sex. That’s a nice thought, but I don’t believe love should be the only precursor. Sex and love are not interchangeable; focusing only on the emotion creates an imbalance in the act and in the dynamics of the relationship.
Most importantly, I want her to know who she is as a person and as a young woman. Having sex, especially for the first time, can change who you are as a person—it can also change your relationship. Confidence and good decision making can quickly go out the window when you’re unsure of who you are and what you want. I want her to have sex on her terms and to know that her body does not exist solely for the pleasure of a man.
My parents didn’t discuss these things with me and I struggled, succumbing to what I thought was expected of me instead of finding out what it was that felt most comfortable for me. My desire for this updated sex talk is ambitious, and some may even think it’s absurd, but these discussions will not happen all at once; some things can wait until she reaches certain levels of maturity. But the basis of our talks will be to provide her with facts, answer any questions she may have, and create a space where she isn’t told how she should feel and what she is supposed to do. As my daughter becomes a young woman, I want to have an open and honest dialogue with her about all things sex, from the moment we have our first conversation and throughout her adult years.
How did you or will you have the sex talk with your kids?
In light of that whole “presenting your father with a purity certificate” story that swept the country, and Amber Rose’s recent Slutwalk, I think that the way in which women view their sexuality is very problematic these days. We’ve created a conflict between those who abstain and those who indulge. There’s no middle ground. We’ve formed this division where we believe what we believe and leave no room for understanding. I know because I used to be part of one extreme while shunning the other.
I used to think that sex had to be some sanctimonious event for it to be done right. You HAD to be in love, you HAD to be in a committed relationship, or to be even more proper, you HAD to be married. I believed that the only way to have great sex was if real, tender emotions were involved. I was made to believe that sex without love was empty and that I should wait until I had those feelings. Now, while I don’t disagree with that entirely, my way of thinking changed when the best sex I’ve ever had up to this point in my life happened during a one-night stand. It warped my whole way of looking at sex.
Nowadays I can say that I think you should do what you feel and do it because it was your decision. And while I wouldn’t recommend that everyone run out and do it, should you decide to take a walk on the wild side and have a one-night stand, there are some things you should know beforehand.
So check it: You walk into a bar with your girls and a fine fella catches your attention. You’re not really on the market for anything serious, but you are intrigued by this man and he’s unleashing all types of primal energy your way. He offers you a drink and asks for your name. You hit if off with small talk that turns into some lively chatter about dating, relationships and sex. Your girls give you that knowing look. The look that says, “He’s trying to charm your pants off.” You know it too. So you have two choices: Indulge, or just take his number and get to know him better some other time. You decide that you want to indulge. If this is you sometime in the near future, keep the following things in mind.
Be Certain That This Is What You Want
Get your panties out of a bunch and give yourself permission to engage in a one-night stand. Trust me. It’s okay. And I’m 100 percent certain he is not judging you. There are far too many women concerned with how they should act, how they will be perceived, or what is considered moral that they never allow themselves to delve in casual encounter sexcapades, and this is partly due to society’s perception of what is “ladylike.”
For me, this is very important. I’m very particular about my space and who I allow into it. I also believe that there is a sense of control when it comes to whose house you decide to go to. If you both decide on your place, you can kick him out whenever you want. You get to decide if the two of you are going to make this a sleepover or a no crash zone, and vice versa when it comes to his place.
I would also think about whether or not I would want to get up early in the morning and subject myself to the “Walk of shame.” Not because there really is any shame in it all, but because I might be too lazy to budge.
It is the responsibility of both parties to provide protection. If you are not on any form of birth control, maybe consider it for the future and make it your duty to carry your own condoms should things get too heated and he doesn’t have any. Don’t be ashamed to have a few in your purse or stashed in your dresser, as you never know when they will come in handy.
Let’s Have A Chat
It is important to talk about where this is going to go. The worst thing is to end a one-night stand thinking everything was okay and that you guys were on the same page, only to end up with a straggler who now knows where you live and how to contact you. If this is really just a one and done thing, make that known before any of the fun begins and while you are both thinking clearly. Do not wait until afterward when someone can potentially get their feelings hurt.
Adventurous Versus Boundaries
Now is the best time to establish some boundaries. If whips and chains, hot wax and nipple clamps aren’t your thing, speak now or forever hold your peace. The thing that makes one-night stands so passionate is the relaxed feeling that you may never see this person ever again, so you can indulge and be as free as you would like. I mean, pull out some of your best moves and make it a memorable experience for the both of you! But if butt play and other extreme fetishes aren’t your steez, don’t wait until he tries to get experimental and kills the mood.
When The Climax Settles
It is expected for a man to be chivalrous after a one-night stand, regardless of if he plans to call you again or not. The same applies to you, ladies. If he crashed at your place or you decided to kick him out, the least you can do is call him a cab, or Uber him a car home and make sure he’s safe when leaving you. If you believe that one night is the start of something good, then by all means, get the man’s number, but never assume anything. And don’t assume your romp to be more than what it was. I believe the real art of mastering the one and done is being able to keep your emotions in check.
In the eloquent words of Jay Z: “Ladies is pimps too, gon’ brush your shoulders off.” Don’t let the world shame you out of having a little fun from time to time. I think a one-night stand now and then can be healthy when done right. So, tell me, when was the last time you allowed some carnal fun in your life?
If you just haven’t been feeling “it” lately and can’t seem to figure out why, know that there’s a perfectly plausible explanation for your mini drought: global warming.
Kid you not; a new working paper released by the National Bureau of Economic Research says that hot weather leads to a decrease in “coital frequency.” Findings were based on information collected by three economists who studied 80 years of U.S. fertility and temperature data, Bloomberg Business reports.
Essentially, whenever the weather was warmer than 80 degrees researchers noticed a dip in births the following 10 months. “Extra hot” days resulted in a 0.4 percent decline in birth rates nine months later. In other words, would-be-parents don’t really want to get busy when it’s hot outside. Of course, you’re probably wondering why we’re talking about this in November; however, thanks to global warming, many geographical areas that typically experience low temperatures during the fall and winter months have had an interestingly warm fall so far.
Findings from this study left researchers concerned for two reasons:
1.Birth rates have not been proven to bounce back completely once heat waves are over, which could mean lower birth rates for developed countries.
“The decline in birth rates is a very serious issue for countries, like the United States and the UK, which have below-replacement birth rates,” said Alan Barreca from Tulane University, an author of the report.
2. Increased conception in the fall means more summer deliveries, and infants experience poor health at higher rates during this time, “though the reasons for worse health in the summer are not well-established,” the author of the study shared.
Thankfully, researchers say that air conditioning systems may prove to be the solution to this problem.