Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Source: forbes.com

What do you do when you are physically attracted to someone at your job? We are used to passing attractive people in the street or on the subway, but we usually never see these people again. But when that person is in the next cubicle over, things can sure get awkward. When we see people over and over they really begin to stand out to us. Having a coworker you are attracted to can be a recipe for disaster though. You see them every day, make cordial conversation about the weather or traffic coming in that morning. All the while, you are both scanning each other, sizing each other up. There is a certain seductive factor that goes into office romances. But there are many reasons why becoming more than friends with someone at your job might not be the best idea. Here are some reasons to stay away from office temptation:

Growing up I thought I knew everything there was to know about love, without ever remembering having been taught.

I didn’t want to accept that all men cheat. I didn’t want to have to almost take a bullet or put money in some guys’ commissary to know its love. I lived somewhere in between Bronx Tale and Poetic Justice and developed a love all on my own. But how can I know my love was healthy or true if no one ever taught me?

For a minute let us forget about the big L word and focus on the nuisances of love, what leads to love, the like process, the shacking up (if you choose to), how to make love, how to know that the love you’re making is good, etc. I was taught the ills, the pitfalls, the trickery that can come with love but as far as my momma was concerned, we didn’t need to talk about the good stuff or the many confusing things.

I don’t blame my mom, I love her dearly and in all honesty I don’t think she could’ve taught me because like myself I don’t believe she was ever taught, but why not? Most things in life I’ve learned; language, speech, applying makeup, mathematics but for some reason we think love and a like is a given.

A few months ago I decided to give my boyfriend a key to my place. This took months of scrutiny, though he was only getting the bottom lock; a conversation with my older sister had to happen, nights of anxiety transpired and still I felt uneasy about it. It wasn’t one of those, ‘my intuition is telling me something bad’ but more ‘how do I go about it?’ What does this mean for our relationship? And now that we’re practically living together –something I’ve never done before- how do I (semi) live with a man? Do I wake up with make-up on, a la Whitley on a Different world? Which bills does he pay? He’s offered to pay whichever bill I decide but which do I decide? Do I let him pay any bills at all? These may seem like questions someone younger than myself (flirty thirty) would be asking but I’ve never been in love like this before.

In a perfect world, before I ever met a fella and fell for him, my mom would have talked to me about a few things. We already know she would have covered, shiftlessness, shadiness and his falling short but would she have thrown in a few happy facts for the guy who made the cut? Here’s what I would hope my mother would go over:

1. He’s not always thinking about you- and that’s ok.

This funny thing happened with my man. He had a bad day, a few bad days and came home and made the blanket statement “everything in my life sucks right now.” I was blown, immediately I thought, “really, so my sheer presence isn’t enough to make you happy 24/7?” Yes and no. Yes, you represent happiness in his life but a man is going to have a bad day or few and you can’t fix it and more importantly, it’s NOT about you.

The standing thought on sex is that men think about and are down for it at any given time of the day or night but a survey of women in the UK found that most ladies are in the mood at a very specific time: 11 pm Saturday night.

The UK surveyors didn’t go into reasons why that time might be most common but it’s not too hard to imagine why. Though Friday night is the start of the weekend, most of us are probably a little drained from the work week and not vying for a roll in the sack. After a relaxing Saturday and an evening of dinner and drinks though, we’re ready to go by 11, which is nearly right on time, according to Russian website Pravada. They say the best time for women to feed their appetite for loving is between 8 pm and 10 pm because:

“A woman is full of energy (if she ate her dinner well) and ready to act on her own initiative.” When the clock strikes 12 though, it could be too late. By midnight, melatonin levels go up dramatically, and we’re usually ready for bed, they said.

For most of us that probably depends on how much rest we’ve had and whether the intimate prospect before us is worth losing a few more hours of shut eye, but regardless of what time we’re doing it, we tend to be happy with the final result. Of the 1,000 women surveyed, more than three quarters were satisfied with their sex lives. Of the ones who weren’t, busy work schedules were to blame. That Saturday 11 pm time slot is making even more sense now.

Is there a certain time of the week you’re usually more in the mood?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Why do some men expect monogamy from women, but fail to reciprocate? Why do some women allow men to have a relationship with them, but have relations, or even another relationship, with other women…while they are dating them? Are the expectations of men that low, or have women not set expectations and standards for themselves?

There are a number of categories in dating people use to define their relationship status; however the two primary categories in dating; ‘dating’ and ‘a dating relationship’ are the categories people often confuse which brings about the dating double standard.  ‘Dating’ is often thought of as a form of courtship involving people with the purpose of assessing one’s character on a  general level for the possibility of engaging in a meaningful, long term relationship, friendship or distant association.

A ‘dating relationship’ is thought of as a form of courtship involving two people exclusively for the purpose of assessing one’s character for companionship, with the possibility of marriage. Men are often accused of indulging in the dating double standard because they date more than one woman at a time, but expect the women they have the most interest in to remain monogamous with them. A few reasons some men expect monogamy from women, but don’t reciprocate are: some men are selfish, women allow it, some men aren’t being held accountable, a man doesn’t want to share the good woman, and some men are ego-centered. And sadly enough, some women indulge in this double standard.

Why do some women indulge in the dating double standard? The answers are simple; fear of being lonely, foolish flattery (he wants me all to himself), fear of losing a ‘good catch’, and the desire to have a title, even if it has no meaning (wifey, main squeeze, ‘the one’, etc.). Both men and women indulge in the dating double standard because they confuse dating and a dating relationship, and this is because they are so eager to have companionship, they don’t set standards for themselves in the categories of dating, nor do they define the terms of both dating and a dating relationship. When two people decide they want to get to know each other better, they designate time, and plan to go on a date. If they decide they want to keep spending time with each other, they continue to communicate as they see fit, and here’s where the confusion begins.

When most people have spent time with someone they are attracted to and enjoy being around, their emotions get involved, and they have the tendency to make a dating situation more than what it is without consulting the other person. When two people are dating, it does not mean they are bound to the one person they spend the most time with unless they have discussed, and mutually agreed to move beyond the dating category/stage and enter into a dating relationship. Most people skip the ‘deciding discussion’ phase because they get caught up with the dating activities (going out, sex, affectionate text messages, etc.) and they presume they should be involved in a monogamous dating relationship because they are doing things that couples do. Then when they find out the other person is dating other people while dating them, it brings about unnecessary drama.

stimulationstatus.onsugar.com

“I love you”, “I am falling in love with you”, “and I have fallen in love with you”.  These are all phrases many of us have heard, and or have said to someone we were or are presently in relationships with. But how many of us really know what love is?  How do we know if we have fallen in love, or in lust? Do we know and understand the difference between the two? Many people often confuse love with lust because they don’t know what love is and what lust is. There are many definitions of both love and lust that have derived based on different experiences and emotions with relationships. Many people believe that love and lust are emotions that produce actions that lead to reactions, but what people fail to realize is that love and lust are not emotions.

Love is…Love is an action that is others centered.  It is giving to others without the expectancy of something in return.  It is setting aside your ego for fulfillment of your own needs, and being concerned with the needs of someone else. The selfless action of love is driven by meeting the needs of others.

Lust is…Lust is an action that is self-centered. It is giving to others with the expectancy of something in return. The action of lust is motivated by one’s ego-centered needs, be it physical, financial or mental, to be satisfied by someone else.

Source: themagicwhistle.blogspot.com

Most of us can agree that Brian McKnight’s “If You’re Ready to Learn” song was… something of a fail. And the singer has heard our opinions, on Twitter, in blog posts and even reaction videos. But clearly, McKnight is not ready to put the incident behind him. Instead he recently released a video, with the help of Funny or Die, for the infamous song. Ok, so it was a parody…and just like the song, the visuals take things a lot too far. Even if the video is a spoof at the ridiculousness of this song, we know it’s really just another way to keep people talking about that song and more importantly Brian McKnight. Well, since he’s gone this far, and not releasing any other types of music, then he might as well milk this attention cow for all it’s worth. We’ve talked more about Brian McKnight these past few weeks than we have in the past few years and I’m sure that’s just the way he likes it.

Well played Brian, well played.

Check out the video and be ready to cover your mouth in horror. Keep an eye out for the vadge puppet… No, we’re not kidding. There are pubes and everything.

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From YourTango.com

The saying goes “Fake it till you make it,” but that shouldn’t apply in the bedroom. If you’re not in the mood to get down, but your husband always is, it can create serious tension—and not the good kind—in your relationship.

In this video, Psychologist, Sex Therapist and YourTango Expert Dr. Megan Fleming answers the question: I feel like my husband badgers me for sex all the time. Is it better to give in and fake it, or be honest and wait till I have that luvin’ feeling again?

As Dr. Fleming points out, it sounds as if there are only two options here, but really, there are plenty of ways to solve this issue. She suggests making time in your schedule to turn yourself on, whether that requires thinking about “fantasies, remembering past sexual experiences, anticipating pleasure and how good that feels,” or something else. This way, you’ll be primed and ready for your husband’s constant urges.

Want more advice? Check out the video below.

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By Dr. Tammy Nelson for YourTango.com

Do you find it difficult to make time for sex? Are you always either too tired or too busy for intimacy with your partner? Don’t worry, you’re not alone, and there is hope.

In this video, licensed phychotherapist, author and YourTango Expert Dr. Tammy Nelson explains that it’s common for sex to become less frequent over the course of a long-term relationship. Fortunately, there are some things you can try to increase the eroticism in your love life.

Find out what they are at YourTango.com. 

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Source: emuleday.com

If you are wearing pearls and have been known to clutch them often because you think that discussions of sex should only happen in the bedroom, the following post is not for you. But if you are down for an open and frank discussion about sexuality, by all means, continue reading below.

From Jezebel:

“In 2001, Glamour magazine assigned entertainment journalist Margeaux Rawson to interview the four Queens of Comedy — Adele Givens, Miss Laura Hayes, Mo’Nique and Sommore — about sex. The specific assignment was to uncover the “10 Commandments of Sex,” as decried by the Queens. Armed with all the buffalo wings and bottles of Veuve Clicquot her expense account could manage, the writer met the quartet of comediennes in a Los Angeles hotel suite. Alas, it appears as if the champagne and chicken should have been left in New York: Glamour deemed every inch of the transcript too “blue” for its perfume-scented pages. Lowbrow, on the other hand, considered the interview just lewd enough…”

Lewd is not quite the term I would use. This exchange about the dos and dont’s of all things sex with the self-proclaimed “Queens of Comedy” is balls-to-the-wall out there. I mean, from jump Mo’Nique sets it off with stuff that we can’t probably print in this post without making some of you blush. But lets just say the conversation involves lots of discussion about fellatio (both giving and receiving), junk size (and I quote: “If your package is too small, my favorite position is with another muthaf****), the avoidance of butt-play and S&M.

This conversation sounds familiar to me. I can remember vividly those days when a bunch of girlfriends and I would sit around – whether it be the bar or on somebody’s couch – and dish about what we liked, didn’t like so much, wanted to try, were NEVER gonna do (unless we were married) and all the other graphic details about our sexual conquests. You heard many of the words printed in the Jezzie article plus many more not even thought of.

Likewise, we were all different sexually – there was the one girlfriend that did and tried everything under the sun and always had a juicy story to share. There was the other girlfriend, who would blush and shake her head in embarrassment over our stories–that was until later in the conversation when she would drop some freaky bombshell that had the rest of our mouths wide open. And finally, there was the eavesdropping dude (perhaps the older brother or boyfriend of one of the girlfriends), who sat close enough to hear all of our sordid details without actually being involved in the conversation but would, from time to time, chime in to say something like: “I always knew girls were nastier than boys.”  These frank and colorful dialogues were the essence of our sister girl circles.  We felt free and safe to not only exhale but to inhale and exhale some more.

Surce: Africanlimelight.com

Tyrese needs more people. One minute this man loves women, the next he’s telling them everything that’s wrong with them. Today he’s doing the latter.

During an appearance on V-103 radio, Tyrese was asked his thoughts on how women can keep a man (why do people keep asking him these questions?) and, unsurprisingly, he said it all comes down to what’s between our legs.

“A lot of women are very unrealistic. To have a man that’s attractive and successful, you have to be in the position to hold him down mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Some of ya’ll have wack sex. Some of ya’ll are so consumed in your swexy that your sex is horrible. Your swexy attracts the man, but after you attract the man you’re not able to keep him.”

Women may have been able to roll with him on the importance of satisfying your man’s physical needs had he not dropped this “gem” on double standards.

“If women have sex with too many dudes, dudes call you [hoes] and all your own home-girls will call you out. When men have sex with a bunch of girls, we get props. So men are not as ready to settle down. We may be ready in our minds because we feel like you’re so beautiful, special, and consistent. But we still want to get some other [girls]. We want to spread our love just a little while longer while at the same time not losing you.”

Seems to me that proves it doesn’t matter how good you are in bed, if the man still wants to “spread his love just a little while longer” he’s going to do it regardless. Also, the idea that women can’t sleep around but are expected to kill it in the bedroom is comical to say the least. One redeeming point of Tyrese’s interview is that he did promise we’ll never come across an Internet sex tape featuring his “African Warrior.”

“I don’t ever film myself. My African Warrior is not exposed on camera, its not gonna happen. Its no way that those photos or videos wouldn’t leak at some point. I don’t ever do that, I keep it safe.”

At least he got one thing right. You can check out his five-part interview here. What do you think about Tyrese’s wack sex claim?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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