All Articles Tagged "sex"

Why Casual Sex Doesn’t Make Men Commit

September 17th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Michael Hollan, From YourTango

A female colleague of mine keeps describing herself, quite proudly, as a slut, and bragging about all no-strings-attached sex she has with guys … but then desperately tries to make each of those guys her boyfriend and gets hurt. Here’s why that method isn’t working.

Dear girl that works in my office that describes herself as a slut,

No, you’re not a slut. Stop saying that.

I think that however you want to live your life, as long as it’s not hurting anyone else, is fine: go for it! When it comes to slut shaming, it’s a horrible thing to try to make someone feel ashamed for their choices. If a girl or guy wants to have a certain type of sex life, then let them. If you don’t like it, then just don’t sleep with those people. As long as they’re neither hurting nor deceiving anyone, then let them do their thing. It doesn’t matter.

(Side note: I’m not slut shaming this girl. I’m also not virgin shaming anyone else. When it comes to sex, have as much or as little as you want. I am ok with dumb shaming though, which I think is fine. People can be promiscuous if they want, but they shouldn’t be dumb. Dumb shaming is just fine. If a girl sleeps with a guy that she finds attractive even though she doesn’t want to marry him, she shouldn’t be shamed. Someone that’s walking around in public looking down at their phone instead of where they’re going and walks into a wall? Yes, that person should be shamed.)

So once again, back to my point, which is my female coworker: you’re not a slut. But you’re having sex in a dumb way, if that makes sense. You go out and pretend to be a self-proclaimed slut, just to get guys to pay attention to you. Which, if that was all you were looking for, would be a great plan. If all you wanted out of these guys was to get them to pay for your drinks, then this would be a great plan. I’d say “you go girl” and high five you.

The problem is, you tell guys that you aren’t looking for a boyfriend, just some fun, and then get mad at them when they don’t want to be your boyfriend. Which I think is totally unfair.

Read more about sex and relationship at YourTango.com

What Promiscuous Women Can Teach Their Daughters About Sex

September 17th, 2014 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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A couple of days ago I came across Jezebel’s article: “What Former Sl*ts Tell Their Daughters About Sex.” Not only did the title intrigue me but it made me think about the type of language we use to describe women who are sexually liberated. It also made me reminisce on a conversation I had with my Caribbean mother, as I inquired about her sex life. Of course she shut that down promptly and told me women do not kiss and tell — words I live by in my own dating life.

In their article, Jezebel investigates a Reddit Thread titled: Mothers who were promiscuous in your younger days- Did your values change once you had a daughter? Because of the word choice, the Jezebel article’s author, Tracy Moore, questioned:

“Why daughters? Why mothers? And why would dads never be asked this question about themselves or their sons? But we know why — because men still aren’t called sluts, and are often not even called promiscuous, which is just a coded word for slut and is typically used only to refer to women.”

Moore’s point moved me because as inquisitive as I am, I usually find myself asking my mother or aunts about their sex lives back in the day rather than my father or uncles. Reason being, the latter party has biologically shown me they had what appears to be a great time based on the number of siblings or cousins I have. Also, my father and uncles are more open about their sexual exploits (minus inappropriately awkward details I don’t want or need to know) because they were raised among men who freely traded stories about their sexual relations. Using my own family as an example, I understand the importance of the Reddit thread, which doesn’t necessarily focus on the juicy details of parents’ sex lives, but offers communication about how a person uses and treats their own sexuality based on personal or cultural measuring sticks. Two Reddit users responded to the question of their values changing by stating:

Yes and no, while I cringe at the thought of her being a sexual being, I understand that it is inevitable. I try to teach her the anatomical names of her body parts and that they are normal. I try to teach her what real love is like and to be a good example of what a woman is….other than what I’ve mentioned, I plan on being honest and thorough in all aspects of her education including sex. – Azzkerraznack

Why does the gender of the child matter?
I want the same thing for my sons and my daughters. Healthy sexual relationships with people who treat them well and are treated well in return.
I’d rather my kid have a fun ONS with an interesting, respectful stranger than spend 15 years ‘in love’ with someone who uses her and makes her miserable.- Whatim

When I brought this topic to two friends of mine who are also MadameNoire readers they responded with this insight:

I don’t consider myself to be promiscuous however, I would explain to my children when they come of age that sex is a powerful thing. It can bring a lot of pleasure and also a lot of pain. If you don’t have intentions on pursuing this particular person don’t lay with them because people’s feelings get involved and crazy things can happen. Sex can be good if done properly (I.e. birth control condoms and regular check ups) I would also tell them to be safe and take care of themselves.- M.R.

My second(and last) partner last taught me a valuable lesson:You can’t use sex to erase the heartbreak of the previous relationship and that’s what I did which is why I’ve had such a tough experience but you live and you learn which is why I’ve chosen to remain celibate for a while at least until I get my sense of self back.- L.A.

Although we can trade lessons about our sexual experiences with our peers or children, it’s also important for us to understand promiscuity does not have a concrete definition. For some, three sexual partners may be extreme whereas, 10 (or more) may seem normal. With that in mind, what sex lessons would you share with your daughters?

Straight From His Mouth: Sex And The Moment of Clarity

September 15th, 2014 - By RealGoesRight
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Sex And The Moment of Clarity

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As a man, I get asked alot of questions by women regarding other men. An abnormal amount of these questions happen to come right after a woman sleeps with a man and his behavior has changed. “I don’t get it, he went from calling me and wanting to go on dates all the time to disappearing on me and I can’t ever get ahold of him. I don’t know what happened.” Never one to mince words, I ask a few more questions to get an idea of what might’ve happened but it’s usually the same conclusion. He doesn’t like her. And when did he find that out? During his moment of clarity.

What Is The Moment of Clarity?

The moment of clarity is defined as the time right after a man orgasms when he comes to his senses. It’s called a “moment” of clarity, but can last anywhere from five seconds to a couple of minutes. It is during this time his true feelings for the woman will show up. There’s an emphasis on “clarity” with this phrasing, because up until a man sleeps with a woman, he’s not sure how he feels about her either.

What? That’s strange? Not really.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

Man Meets Woman

A man sees a woman on the street and he’s attracted to her. Yes, he wants to get to know her likes and dislikes (maybe). Yes, he wants to talk to her and go on a date with her (probably). He might even want to be her boyfriend just based on how attractive she is (more often than not). But before all of that, he wants to sleep with her (definitely). Yes, ladies, 99% of the time a man is approaching because he wants to get in your pants. If this wasn’t common knowledge before, you’re welcome.

Men love the chase. I don’t know if it’s in our DNA or we just ended up loving it to cope with being forced having to do it, but it is what it is. As such, there is an adrenaline rush that comes with the chase. Everything is exciting, the anticipation is palpable, and the focus is on getting to the “finish line.” Many times, the finish line is sex. It’s why we’re ok with spending an hour on the phone with you, why we don’t mind going to the mall to shop with you, or why we watch all the stuff on tv you like to watch even though we hate it.

It’s a woman reading this right now saying to the computer, “damn, you don’t even have to do all that, these women out here doing far more for way less.” If that woman is you, do me a favor. Be quiet. You’re not a man. Don’t tell me about the male experience. If you have a homeboy reading this and he’s laughing and nodding with approval while you’re trying to tell both of us we’re wrong, stop it. We know what the deal is. I’m trying to help you out.

Love Changes, A Thug Changes, And Best Friends Become [Sex Buddies]..Word Up

After weeks (days?) of a man putting in work, the woman finally decides she’s willing to give up the “path to happiness.” He hits her up, asking her what she’s doing for the weekend. She says “you, if you want me to. Tee hee hee.” Knowing that his weeks (days?) of hard work is about to pay off, he makes sure to get super fresh for the evening. The weekend comes up, they go out and have a good time, both anticipating putting the “finishing touches” on the evening.

The date is over.

They decide to go to her house (because he has a roommate and his roommate is nosey) and decide to go “bang bang, like Gorillas.” (Bruno Mars, what up.)

A few weeks pass by and she notices his change in behavior. The texts aren’t as frequent. His time for her is nonexistent. He disappears for days or perhaps a week or two at a time. She doesn’t know what happened. “How come everything was going so well before we had sex and now when I want to be with him, he’s nowhere to be found?” she asks.

What she didn’t know is that in his moment of clarity he realized he, in fact, wasn’t that into her.

Now, I know for some of you women, the light just clicked on. And for some of you, you’re still in the dark. So I’m about to break this down for you. Let’s take it back to the night he finally “cracked the piggy bank.”

While you guys were in the room, sweating your lives away to the point of climax, both of you (hopefully) reached the promised land. While you, young lady, were laying in ecstasy thinking about taking his last name and having his babies, he was thinking about something different. After he left about half a billion potential babies in a latex condom (or on your face if you’re into that, being a good girl and all)  he had a vision.

For the first time in weeks (days?), he was finally able to see clearly.

In his euphoric (and triumphant) moment, he was able to think clearly since his mission was accomplished. (The mission was sleeping with you, if that wasn’t clear.) Letting one off finally took out the cloudiness of his judgement and allowed him to see you for who you really are. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, he didn’t like what he saw and instead of just saying so, he decided to get ghost.

I’ve seen women come up with all manners of excuses to explain how they got “smashed and dashed.” His schedule didn’t get busy all of a sudden. There’s nothing going on at his job. Your sex wasn’t bad (well, it might’ve been). He didn’t think you were a skank for giving it up to early. Contrary to popular belief, most men don’t care if you give it up early, because most men know that if we want you, we want you. No amount of time passed is going to change my mind. The bottom line is, he had his moment of clarity and he decided you were no longer worth dealing with.

Sorry.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the moment of clarity happens right after a man “catches the big one” and lasts until he comes back to his senses. In that moment, he’s able to finally see how he feels about a woman and that determines how he’s going to treat her from that point forward. I know some women are reading this like, “there’s no way in hell this is accurate. G, you’re full of sh!t.” If you’re one of those women, fine. This was just a joke. Write an angry comment and continue on with your day.

For all the women who are currently reading this, as everything in the world slows around you because the truth of my words are slowly seeping in, you’re welcome. I’m just here to help. Fellas, I know some of y’all reading this like, “bro, I can’t believe you just gave away all this game.” I know. It’s probably a violation of some man code, but you have to know that 99% of the women reading this aren’t going to believe it anyway. Take solace in that. And if you can’t…That most certainly sounds like a personal problem.

Peace.

Would You Relocate To Another State For Your Boyfriend?

September 12th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male

The older we get the more dimensions are entered into dating. It seems as if when you have all the answers the dating Gods change the questions. I’m a resident of Brooklyn, NY. One of if not the most expensive city to live in, in the United States. New York City is one of the most expensive places to live period. With this fact, many people are known to relocate. This most certainly can throw a monkey wrench in a current relationship or a prospective one.

For me, I know that I have no anxiety about being outside of New York. I’ve been fortunate enough to have traveled domestically a lot in my life. I’ve been up north a bit, I’ve done the west coast. I’ve spent countless times down south as well. I have always enjoyed New York above  all of these places. The issue is that the cost of living is so damn high here. Many people that are still here are mentally just as good as gone.

So I pose a few questions to you all today. Is someone who isn’t willing to relocate a deal breaker for you? Under what circumstances would you stay put for a person? Under what circumstance should a compromise be made? Some thought goes into each of these. I don’t think I would fully shut down relocating with someone. I certainly would have to be i some serious love to entertain the idea though. I love everything else my city offers me in terms of lifestyle and diversity. It’s an addictive feeling once you realize other states don’t possess that same vibe. Someone who would stay where they’re living for a partner I guess has been sold that it’s a good idea. Maybe they’re compromising for their loved one simply out of love. Of course there is a scenario when you should compromise.

Read more about dating long distance at SingleBlackMale.org

Why Do Men Love Complicated Women?

September 10th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Graham White, From YourTango

A woman is complicated for a very good reason: to separate the horny, needy and desperate guys from the one man who can uniquely love, adore and appreciate her. What men refer to as “Playing Games” is actually unconscious testing on the part of a woman. It’s so unconscious she doesn’t even realize that she’s doing it, but she is.

These tests are opportunities for a guy to begin to demonstrate that he’s “The One,” the man who is committed and focused on her above all others and will protect her, love her and be faithfully committed to her and only her.

Here’s a real life example of what this might actually look like:

A couple is out on a movie date. It’s late and it’s been snowing lightly while the movie was on. They came in different vehicles and parked on opposite sides of the parking lot and now they’re planning to head to a restaurant to continue their evening. When they realize they’re parked on opposite sides of the lot he offers to walk her to her car.

She says, “No, it’s fine. You’re parked on the other side of the lot. I’ll meet you at the restaurant in a few minutes.”
What he hears: “I appreciate you being gentlemen enough to offer, but I’m fine,” and so he hugs her and heads over to his car.
He just failed the test. Ironically, she might not even realize she’d given him the opportunity to demonstrate if he’s the kind of stand-up man she’s looking for. A better response could have been, “It’s no trouble, and you’re wearing heels in this snow. I’m happy to walk with you. I’ll get you to your car and then we can swing around and pick mine up. Besides, you’re going to need someone to brush the snow off your car while you warm it up.”

Not only would he have proven himself to be a gentleman, but they would have had an opportunity to create a little physical deliciousness while they walked arm in arm. The unconscious locks that she has around “Am I going to allow this guy access to my mind, body and soul?” have begun to open!

Read more about dating at YourTango.com 

Can A Hookup Lead To Marriage?

September 8th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Women’s Health, From YourTango

Think a one night stand could be marriage material? Well, maybe. According to a new report from the National Marriage Project, almost a third of married pairs were originally a hookup. The study recruited over a thousand adults between the ages of 18-34 in 2007 and 2008. Then they followed them over the course of five years, closely studying the 418 adults who got married within that time.

They found that 32 percent of married people reported that their relationship began as a hookup, although the meaning of “hookup” wasn’t clearly defined, so that could have been interpreted in a variety of ways. But interestingly, these people also reported lower marital quality than those who didn’t start as a fling.

Read more about hookups and marriage at YourTango.com 

How My Vibrator Ruined My Marriage

August 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By The Stir, From YourTango 

As someone who writes about sex and love for a living, I have heard a lot of advice on how to keep the passion alive over the years. One of the first things almost every sex expert will say is that you should continue to masturbate. It seems counter-intuitive, right?

If you are pleasing yourself, why would you need someone else? Au contraire, they say. In this case, it’s more about the feelings masturbation conjures. If you have a little pleasure, so they say, you will want more.

I say: It’s hooey.

Why? Because the fact is, when you satisfy yourself, you ARE satisfied. Full stop. This is a lesson I learned the hard way.

Nothing Wrong With It

Now, don’t get me wrong. Masturbation is a healthy activity for women. It teaches us how to find our own pleasure and ALL women should have a vibrator (or 10) in their nightstand. But, there’s also something to be said for the old adage: “good things come to those who wait.” And yes, that pun was intended. Times 1,000. Because they do.

I know this first hand (oh the puns, they are too easy!) as I gave up the use of my vibrator for a couple months and the results have been astounding. At first it happened by accident. We just became so insanely busy and I was never alone. The only times I even felt any sexual urges were when I was actually in the presence of my husband. So I started saving up my mojo.

Read this woman’s entire story on marriage and sex at YourTango.com 

True Story: I Had An Affair At 19 With My 40-Year-Old Married Boss

August 25th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Monica Bielanko, From YourTango 

Before you think anything about anything let me just say this: I know. I know it’s not the best thing in the world to be dating a guy twice your age. Especially when he’s married and you work for his wife. I KNOW. Cut me a little slack though wouldja? 

I was brand new to Salt Lake City. I’d finally escaped the Mormon bubble and was puffed with pride over my bona fide college student status. I answered an ad in the classifieds and nabbed employment as a nanny (rich folk term for babysitter) of a cherubic-faced 2-year-old.

 

Her father, Ryan, was definitely older. 40 to my 19. He was also definitely married. With children. It began innocently enough. After babysitting for the family for a few months, Ryan approached me with an offer. He owned a company and was in need of a “file girl,” who could hang around the office for a couple of hours every afternoon. Ryan agreed to pay me under the table and I accepted. I could babysit my beloved 2-year-old in the morning, attend college classes in the afternoon, then head to the office.

 

 At the time, my boyfriend, Cody, was in the thick of pledging a fraternity. I found the whole Greek fraternity/sorority scene distasteful at best. When you’ve lived on your own since the age of 16, a bunch of 18-year-old hooligans drunkenly jumping off balconies celebrating the fact they no longer live at home is not exciting, it’s annoying. On the flip side, the dashing, handsome millionaire who drove a Jaguar, dined at all the top restaurants in Salt Lake City and entertained the notion of a career in politics appeared, to me, a king among men. Oh, and not to mention: Ryan was also an excellent father. My crush on him grew. I created excuses to chat with him in his office and I began to look forward to evening babysitting hours because I’d get to see his good fathering in action.

 

But I was young. I never thought a man as old as my dad would be interested in me. So the night Ryan let his hand linger on my arm after walking me to my car left me reeling.

 

I drove home with a pack of rabid butterflies banging around my stomach. I debated what Ryan meant with the lingering hand. Was it intentional? Maybe he didn’t realize he’d done it. After a restless night of sleep, I wrote off the lengthy squeeze as the imaginations of a goofy teenager with a crush.

Read more about this affair at YourTango.com 

What I Learned From My Boyfriend Sexually Humiliating Me

August 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Carolyn Castiglia, From YourTango 

“You’ve gotta shave your as*hole if you want me to lick it.” It was one of the most absurd things I’d ever heard, and such a loaded statement! A guy I was dating just casually tossed that grenade out one afternoon after we’d finished “making love. His words exploded into the air next to my ears, and I was knocked off balance from the boom. Like a soldier under seige in a movie about war, time slowed for me and I went deaf while my vision blurred. In a cacophony of simultaneous thoughts colliding I tried to decode what I’d just heard. I have to shave my what? Why? Do people shave that? Is that a thing? Wait, and you want to do what to it now? Lick it? Why I am getting procedural preparation commands when this is the first time the idea of the procedure has been brought to the table? Am I even interested in this procedure? Why are YOU interested in this procedure? What the hell is happening here?! Fall back! FALL BACK!

I’m sure what I finally stammered out was, “Oh. Okay?” Because what do you say to that sort of thing? Especially when you’re not expecting it? This was after he told me that I should wax my virgin pubes and cajoled me into taking a shower with him by telling me, “Get your fat a*s in here,” and then smacked my wet butt. His domineering attitude had initially come across to me as sexy, but was slowly morphing into something toxic. I ended up playing the incident off by saying, “You know, I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there, but I’ll think about it.” (For the record: My salad remains untossed.)

 Until about the past 2 years or so, I haven’t been great at setting boundaries with people who are invasive. I grew up in an authoritarian household where I wasn’t allowed to assert myself, so I learned to accommodate abusive behavior. I replicated that dynamic in many relationships (as one does), and I thought a certain amount of swagger in a man was hot. Here’s the problem: it is. Even though I’m now really conscious of having healthy relationships with everyone in my life (family, friends, co-workers, and lovahs), there is no denying that a well-adjusted man who uses his machismo in the right ways at the right time is a major turn-on. But there’s a fine line between hot swagger and sexual humiliation. Keep him on the side that makes you feel good.


Continue reading this story on YourTango.com 

“Your Captions Be Deep, But You Shallow As A Puddle” Reasons Why Men Avoid Cuffing Season

August 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

We are one weekend away from Labor Day. That’s right it’s all over. The fun that we had from Spring until now is ending. Soon the trees will change from green to brown. Galoshes will replace sandals. Boyfriend sweaters will replace summer dresses. And, rooftop rendezvouses will all but cease to exist. As the seasons change in the direction of cooler temperatures it comes to everyone’s attention that they should start thinking about who they will be hibernating with this winter. There may a small chance for a autumn tryst but that’s risky because that can still leave you lonely in the colder winter months.

Who am I kidding? Avoid getting cuffed at all costs! I’ve been saying this for years!

Although many people believe that Cuffing Season is a good thing, I’ve always thought it was the absolute worst thing that ever happens in dating. Everybody temporarily lowers their standards almost as though they have a relationship amnesty week and ends up shacking up with a person that they probably would never give the time of day otherwise. You waste anywhere from 3 to 6 months of someone’s precious time in a pseudo-relationship that really doesn’t exist because it’s only a cuffing* relationship.

* – That means that you are not really in a relationship. Do not expect to meet each other’s friends and family, do not expect a key, do not expect priority over existing plans, invitations to weddings, really great sex (you know the type that comes with a commitment that you’re going to stick around), and should either of you find another “cuff” that you want to join… there’s no penalty. Your relationship is basically a month-to-month lease.

Continue reading why you should avoid cuffing season at SingleBlackMale.org