Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Times are hard and it turns out there are a lot of things Americans are willing to give up in exchange for having their bills paid and sex is one of them.

A small, hypothetical survey of 1,045 people by polling firm Toluna, on behalf of bill-paying company BillFloat, found 18 percent of Americans would give up sex for six months in exchange for having someone else pay their bills for just one month.

Another 26 percent of respondents would turn off the TV for a month if their bills were paid for them; 21 percent would give up digital devices and their cell phone, and 14 percent would go without Internet access.

On the other hand, there was one thing hardly anybody was willing to do for cash and that was gain weight. Only 9 percent would add 15 pounds of body weight in exchange for not having to pay their bills this month. Overall though, 52 percent said they’d rather suck it up, pay the bills, and keep the sex, TV, and Internet.

Where do you stand? Would you give up sex for 6 months to have your bills paid for a month? What about digital devices?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• What The Heck Happened To You: What Lost Celebs Look Like Nowadays
• Working Your Degree While You’re Waiting: Non-Traditional Paths to Employment
• 7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You
• Say Cheese! Unfortunate Yet Unforgettable Celebrity Mug Shots
• Reader Sound Off! 10 Female Singers Who Are Underrated…
• The High-Income Woman’s Guide to Dating a Man Who Makes Less
• The Father, The Son and The Oprah Winfrey
• Seriously, What’s With All the Overly Aggressive Men in the Club Nowadays?

There are tons of variations and caveats, but when it comes down to it, human beings place high value on the same things. For instance, you can travel to any corner of the globe inhabited by people and see drugs being made and used for some purpose. Humans like drugs. That’s why most cultures take their most abundant produce and make alcohol.

Likewise, the human race is very fond of sex. Anywhere there are people, you’ll find men and women trying to get it on. We love it so much that we find a way to do it in places we shouldn’t like on an airplane, public bathroom or movie theater. Enter the multimedia phone, capable of taking quick photos and video in a snap.

Sexting was only a matter of time. Thanks to trigger happy politicians and the like, sexting has gone mainstream in a big way. It’s far from a teen phenomenon and has rattled the boundaries of many adult relationships in more ways than one. But it’s still new and controversial enough that many of you have yet to explore sexting and all of it’s sticky-button scenarios.

Consider this your crash course on sexting:

I always tell my friends I’m in the studio working on Da Drought 4 (shout out to Lil Wayne) when I’m going through a dry spell.  It’s my light-hearted way of saying yes, it’s been a while since I had some and yes, I’m OK—at the moment.

Tim Gunn recently stated it’s been 29 years since he last had sex—literally half of his life—and that number caught a lot of people’s attention, considering how sex-obsessed Americans are. When Tim explained the reasons why he’s gone without, it’s understandable how he’s lasted so long and why he says he doesn’t even remotely feel like less of a person for it. Tim told “The Revolution” that his last relationship was very intense and damaging, and it led him to become celibate:

“My partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.”

Concerns about sexually transmitted diseases also played into his decision, he said. “I think a lot of people simply retreated because they were concerned about their health. I certainly was, and I’m happy to be healthy and alive, quite frankly.”

A lot of people like Tim who make a conscious decision not to have sex find more peace when they go without it. When you’re clear about why you’re not having sex, the urges are a little less powerful and the temptation to go back on your decision gets a little less weaker as time goes on. But if you’re in the category that just happens to not be having sex at the moment, well, that peace doesn’t come as easy.

If you haven’t gotten any in a while but you’re open to it, it usually means you’re waiting to get it on with someone you at least have some sort of connection to, because sex really isn’t that hard to find. In that case you’re always sort of on the lookout for who could be the next one and the physical urge for sexual contact is magnified by the fact that you want somebody there to provide that intimacy—and get rid of those cobwebs.

I’ve never really chosen to abstain, I’ve just fallen into droughts from time to time. Personally, after being in a monogamous relationship for a while, the thought of going back casual just didn’t appeal to me. The sex could be good physically, but the mental and emotional connection that would make it great would be missing. Sometimes when you get the urge you think, why not just put an end to all this pent up frustration and scratch the itch, but other times you figure, if I made it this far I might as well wait it out until I get what I really want. Hearing stats on STDs and other non-committed sexual relationship drama also helps. With every new fact or story that comes out, it feels good to know you don’t have to worry about that foolishness for now. But it sucks whenever you have a little temper tantrum and someone wants to hit you with the “that’s because no one’s cracking your back” shot.

A little brush with abstinence—chosen or placed upon you—can be good preparation for the next relationship though. Often sex can cloud your judgment when you get involved with someone new, and if you’ve been in a drought for a little while, you’ll likely spend more time getting to know who a person really is before you get to know their body, and that never hurts. When you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, the opening doesn’t seem so far away. You also learn more about your own body when you’re not so wrapped up in someone else’s—again, major plus.

Whether you’re holding out for the ultimate one to put a ring on your finger, or just the one you feel some sort of connection to, I think everyone feels like Tim when it comes down to it—you’re still a sexual being and you’re willing to sacrifice a little pleasure now for a greater reward later. As Tim put it, “I have feelings. It’s not as though I’m some barren forest. I don’t want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex…. I don’t know what’s around the corner.”

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sex? Do you usually fall into droughts or make a conscious decision to hold off on sex until you’re in a relationship?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• 7 Underrated Hollywood Actors
• Checking Your Baggage: Sorting Through Your Issues Before Settling Down
• Sisters In Hiding: Not So Famous Sisters of Famous Celebs
• President Obama Can Handle it, But I Can’t
• 8 Signs The Guy You’re Messing With Is NOT a Grown A** Man
• Traits of Trifling Parents
• He Loves Me: Men Who Just Adore Their Wives
• New Documentary Gets ‘In Our Heads About Our Hair’

I know Beyonce STANS think they know everything there is to know about Bey, but a Rutgers PhD student and lecturer is using the singer’s career to take an interesting look at American culture. Kevin Allred has developed a course called “Politicizing Beyonce” that will explore how the R&B singer can be a messenger for social change.

“This isn’t a course about Beyonce’s political engagement or how many times she performed during President Obama’s inauguration weekend,” Allred told Rutger’s Focus publication. “Rather, the performer’s music and career are used as lenses to explore American race, gender, and sexual politics.”

The course is said to pair Beyonce’s music videos and lyrics with writings from distinguished women’s rights activists and authors you’d never expect to see grouped together like Alice Walker, Bell Hooks, Toni Morrison, and Sojourner Truth. Topics will cover whether Beyonce’s racy performances are empowering or stereotypical, the extent of the star’s control over her own aesthetic, and her alter ego, Sasha Fierce.

“She certainly pushes boundaries,” Allred said. “While other artists are simply releasing music, she’s creating a grand narrative around her life, her career, and her persona.”

You can’t deny that fact, but you can question whether celebrities and pop stars are appropriate for academic discussion. Some educators argue that they are not, but Allred disagrees.

“It’s important to shift students away from simply being consumers of media toward thinking more critically about what they’re engaging on a regular basis.When students don’t respond to theory or dense readings, it’s often easier to see things play out in the world around them.”

While I can’t imagine having to talk and write about Beyonce two to three times a week for 10 weeks or more, I think Allred has come up with an interesting concept to encourage students to think critically about the entertainment icons around us and just how much of an impact they have on society.

What do you think about this course? Would you take it?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• Evening Eye Candies: 6 HOT Reasons to See “Red Tails” NOW…The Delicious Cast
• Sisters In Hiding: Not So Famous Sisters of Famous Celebs
• Delusions Of A Thirsty Chick
• Racism? Why I’m Not Surprised By The Help’s Nomination For Best Picture
• 7 Curl Defining Products to Get Your Curls and Coils Poppin’
• Traits of Trifling Parents
• He Loves Me: Men Who Just Adore Their Wives
• New Documentary Gets ‘In Our Heads About Our Hair’

Although my New Year’s resolution won’t allow me to actively support shows like Love & Hip Hop, Basketball Wives and The Real Housewives of Atlanta for a variety of reasons, I came across a clip from the season finale of Love & Hip Hop’s second season and felt compelled to comment.

While Emily B. continues to ponder through her tumultuous relationship with rapper Fabolous, she receives advice from multiple sources on how to approach his lifestyle and it’s effect on their relationship. In the process, she receives this gem from Chrissy Lampkin, fiancée of rapper Jim Jones.  She basically breaks down to Emily B. that dating rappers or men involved in the music industry means that you have to be “realistic.”  She doesn’t tell Emily B. to ignore or turn a blind eye to infidelity, but basically to accept that “things happen” and that any man who cares about his woman will remain loyal to her in a sense but will never let her find out about his unfaithful ways.  Basically put: it’s okay for a man to cheat as long as he doesn’t bring it around his main woman.

Before I call BS on yet another interesting love philosophy from Chrissy Lampkin, I had to call into question my own value system.  One of my favorite quotes that I like to preach to friends in need of advice is that, “Everyone lies, but if you can’t lie correctly, don’t do it.”  With this said, I refer to lies that do damage for no reason.  For example, if my man tells me he is going out for drinks with the guys, but ends up at the latest stripper oasis, I don’t necessarily want him to come home with a detailed play by play of the night’s events.  If he didn’t cheat, I don’t want to know.  But infidelity is a completely different animal.  Messy cheating or respectful cheating in my opinion is still cheating and toxic to a relationship.  If Chrissy implies that women need to be realistic and expect that infidelity happens, I have to question how much worth she puts on her self-respect in comparison to her financially comfortable lifestyle provided primarily by Jimmy.  Whether you’re dating a rapper or a trash man, not all men cheat and you don’t have to accept it just to live nicely.

If you suggest that you believe there is something to ignore,  it sounds as if you’re accepting infidelity. Chrissy remarks, “A man is going to do what a man is going to do.”  True, but in my experience, a man will only do to you what you allow him to do to you.  You mean to tell me that just because there aren’t women blowing up your phone and taunting you with where your man was last night, or because he isn’t leaving panties balled up in his back pocket for you to find, it’s OKAY because he’s ”respectful” with his cheating? Well, how respectful is it when he brings home to you a nice batch of HPV or herpes while he was so discreetly cheating on you?

While I can respect Chrissy’s right to feel the way she does about her own relationship, I think it’s a poor message to send to women that when dating a man you have to accept the good with the bad in order to maintain a certain lifestyle.  I am sure there are plenty of men in the industry who find a balance between fidelity and success without discreetly or indiscreetly disrespecting their woman.  And any woman confident in her worth knows that she doesn’t have to settle for whatever a man tries to sell her.  It’s perfectly “realistic” to be in a relationship where you don’t have to invest time into analyzing the difference between “respectful” and “disrespectful” cheating all over some fringe benefits.

Check out Chrissy’s love lesson for Emily B. below:

Is it acceptable for a man to cheat as long as he does so “respectfully”?

Toya Sharee is a community health educator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee.

More on Madame Noire!

• Sisters In Hiding: Not So Famous Sisters of Famous Celebs
• Delusions Of A Thirsty Chick
• Things Black Mothers Say
• Celebrity Mistresses: The Good, The Bad, and The Trifling
• 7 Curl Defining Products to Get Your Curls and Coils Poppin’
• Family Ties: 7 Rappers Who Finally Grew Up
• He Loves Me: Men Who Just Adore Their Wives
• What Exactly Makes Something Ghetto?

Falling asleep right after sex is usually a sign that you just had a great session that literally put you to bed, but researchers say this tendency also increases your partner’s need for post-coital cuddling and conversation.

“The more one’s partner was likely to fall asleep after sex, the stronger the desire for bonding,” says Daniel Kruger, a research fellow at the University of Michigan and lead author of the study published in the Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology.

In an anonymous online study, researchers questioned 456 participants about their sex-sleep lives, asking them who falls asleep after sex and who falls asleep first when going to bed not after sex? Participants whose partners nodded off immediately after sex were typically left wanting more.

“Falling asleep before one’s partner may be a non-conscious way to foreclose on any commitment conversation after sex,” says co-author Susan Hughes, associate professor of psychology at Albright College in Reading, PA.

That statement may make you think men are more likely to catch some Zs right after sex but there was actually no difference between men and women’s behavior. But, women were more likely to fall asleep first when they didn’t have sex. Dr. Hughes says this could be an “artifact of mate guarding — making sure the woman doesn’t leave them for another partner,” or men may just stay up longer trying to convince the women to have sex. I’m betting on number two.

Fighting off the urge to go to sleep after sex is no easy task, although most people enjoy a little post-sex cuddling. I say you should take immediate post-sex sleep as a sign of satisfaction. The partners who are staying up wondering why their partner fell asleep probably have other concerns about the relationship that they need to address, and they’re taking their partner’s sleep as a sign of something being wrong and a lack of affection.

Do you prefer to cuddle after sex or are you usually the first to be knocked out? Do you take it personal if your partner falls asleep right away?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• Things Black Mothers Say
• Celebrity Mistresses: The Good, The Bad, and The Trifling
• 7 Curl Defining Products to Get Your Curls and Coils Poppin’
• How to Attract a Healthy Relationship This Year
• 6 Ways to Tackle Relationship Arguments
• He Loves Me: Men Who Just Adore Their Wives
• Evening Eye Candy: Larenz Tate

Andre Davis, a Cincinnati wrestler who goes by the stage name “Gangsta of Love” was sentenced to 32 years in prison yesterday for having sex with women and not informing them that he had tested positive for HIV.

The 29-year-old was convicted in November when prosecutors said he violated state law by not telling a dozen sex partners about his HIV status. On Monday, Davis told the judge he is a sex addict and that his addiction grew worse when he lost his dream of becoming a professional wrestler after contracting HIV. In July 2009,World Wrestling Entertainment told Davis they wouldn’t hire him because he failed a physical and tested positive.

Davis claimed he didn’t tell anyone about his status because he didn’t want his family to know, saying “I a not a monster,” but the prosecution shot back, calling him “A manipulative man and a liar.”

Medical privacy laws prevented attorneys from mentioning whether or not other women had contracted the virus from Davis, but his attorney argued that the state law regarding HIV and felonious assault is poorly written because it doesn’t require proof that there has been harm or an attempt to commit harm. After Monday’s sentencing, he told the Associated Press he would file an appeal on Davis’ behalf.

Do you think 32 years is a sufficient sentence for Andre Davis?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• Things Black Mothers Say
• Celebrity Mistresses: The Good, The Bad, and The Trifling
• 7 Curl Defining Products to Get Your Curls and Coils Poppin’
• How to Attract a Healthy Relationship This Year
• 6 Ways to Tackle Relationship Arguments
• He Loves Me: Men Who Just Adore Their Wives
• Evening Eye Candy: Larenz Tate

By now you might have learned that former “Flavor of Love” winner, Deelishis, whose real name is Chandra Davis, will appear on the new reality show, “Motor City Wives.” While we could write a whole post about this fact alone, this one is a bit more serious. In a very candid conversation, Deelishis details how she was raped at 18. In the video below she explains how it all transpired.

Wow.

Wow on so many levels.

First off, I want to commend her for sharing this story. So many women and young girls find themselves in situations like this and never share this information for fear or shame. Secondly, I have wonder what kind of man she married? Under no circumstances should a woman be blamed for being raped. Regardless of what someone initially allows, the moment the word/s “stop,” “no,” and more explicitly, “I don’t want to have sex with you” come out of someone’s mouth, you’re done. While I want to shake some sense into her husband, I know that there are plenty of ignorant people who believe women “set themselves up” for rape based on trivial things like what they wore, where they allowed the men to take them etc. Even the woman in the video said something about men being different from women.

Word?

Sure men are different from women but I just can not believe that a man doesn’t, can’t or won’t understand what a woman means when she tells him no. A man who doesn’t stop after the word “no,” is a rapist. Point, blank period.

While I’m glad she didn’t  allow him or the other ignorant woman in the room to make her question her lack responsibility in the situation, I sincerely hope they had a legit conversation about this traumatic event and what it feels like to be taken advantage of in this manner. If anyone should empathize with her, it should her husband.

More on Madame Noire!

• He Loves Me: Men Who Just Adore Their Wives
• Trail Blazer! Lead The Pack With These Colorful and Print-Tastic Jackets
• Battling A Bad Breakup? Try NOT To Do Any Of These Things…
• Stereotypes That Black People Uphold
• Lesson for My Future Daughter: Love Your Face… Without Makeup
• Let’s Be Real: Things in Life You Need to Blame Yourself For From Time to Time
• Is ‘The Bachelor’ The ‘Love and Hip Hop’ of White America?

Do you ever wonder why there seems to be more people born at a particular time in the year? Well there’s finally an answer to your question. A recent study found the times that there are certain times and even certain weather patterns that influence conception times.

Find out when couples are most like to conceive a child at Your Tango.com.

More on Madame Noire!

• 7 Celebrities That Need a Makeover
• You Do You and I’ll Me
• Top 8 Celebrities Who Shed Pounds and Are Keeping it Off
• How He is Affectionate and What it Means
• Football Player Loses Wife to Cancer One Month after Saying ‘I Do.’
• Beautiful Day: A Story from Tracey Kenard

When you teach sex-ed in the inner city, you manage to be less and less shocked about the secret sex lives of teenagers.  I’ve heard detailed defenses about how effective the pull-out method is as a birth control method and how ear wax is a reliable tool for STI testing.  But last week I found myself picking my jaw up off of my desk as I read Brande Victorian’s 1 in 13 Girls Has Had Group Sex which highlighted a study researching the growing fad of group sex among Boston-area teenagers.  The study appeared in the Journal of Urban Health: Bulletin of the New York Academy of Medicine and revealed that 1 in 13 girls had engaged in at least one type of multi-person sex (MPS) ranging from gang rape to sex parties.  What’s even more concerning is that more than half of the 328 girls surveyed in a Boston-area community or school-based clinic revealed that they felt pressure to engage in group sex that was more often than not non-consensual.

Researchers from the Boston University School of Public Health identified certain common factors that teens engaging in MPS had “a strong association between exposure to pornography.”  If you look hard enough you can find a variety of culprits to take the blame for what seems to be an increasing pattern of teens challenging the sexual norms of society.  With a simple mouse-click and a quick yes to a pop-up that questions, “Are you over 18?  Please enter your birth date,” any adolescent who passed basic math can access free porn with insulting ease.  You can also turn on the radio and hear artists like pop favorite Rihanna chanting about S&M and Usher beckon a sexually liberated Nicki Minaj to proposition girls in a club and bring them to him so they can play in each other’s pants.  Give your teen a little credit; they could probably teach you a thing or two about taboo sexual behavior, although when experimenting with sex I’m willing to bet Usher is the last thing on their minds.

It’s not so much the case of teens being overtly sexual and pushing the boundaries of what’s socially acceptable, but more their willingness to express these sexual values.  As our society grows more and more sexualized, young people feel more comfortable expressing their sexual attitudes and are willing to accept behaviors that traditionally may have been viewed as abnormal.  On a positive note, alternative lifestyles can be viewed regularly on TV and teens are becoming more informed that all types of sex (even the ”freaky” stuff) can put them at risk for STI’s.  On a positive note, I feel like our society is moving in the right direction when teens feel they can be open and honest about sexuality.  A teen that feels free to talk about masturbation, pornography or group sex may also feel just as comfortable asking about condom use and birth control.  It’s almost as if America is slowly awakening and thinking, “OK, teens have sex, what can we do so that they can make good decisions regarding their sexual conduct?”  As frequent as sexuality appears in our media, it makes sense that sexual education appear just as much if not more.

If I’m completely honest with myself, I’ve been hearing rumors about “trains” being pulled on girls and “Rainbow Parties” (that have nothing to do with gay pride) since I was in high school.  But I always felt that I had a choice as to whether or not I engaged in those types of activities.  One-third of the teens who participated in the study used drugs or alcohol prior to their most recent experience and even felt pressure to be “liquored-up” by their sexual partners.  This makes me question why such a large number of our teens are lacking the confidence to stand up for their sexual values.  I’m not the biggest fan of teens engaging in risky sexual behaviors or having multiple partners, but the truth is these teens will grow into adults who are free to engage in whatever taboo practices they wish as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or one another.  The important thing is that they have the confidence to give or deny consent which it seems our teens are obviously lacking.

As parents and other caregivers, we only have so much say in the sexual interests of our teens, but the best we can do is make sure they are making well-informed decisions whether they’re diving into the waters of sexual deviance or simply dipping their toes into the shallow waters of sexual experimentation.  Teens need to know just as much about what constitutes as consent and how age relates to laws governing sexuality as they know about condoms and STI testing.  Although we’ve made tremendous progress in opening the gates for open honest conversation about the birds and bees and birth control by making sure young people have more access to sexual education, we need to be just as sure that our teens are armed with the tools to navigate healthy relationships and are able to identify and communicate their sexual wants and needs so that they aren’t taken advantage of or violating anyone else.