All Articles Tagged "sex"
In a perfect world, everyone would feel comfortable enough to ask for what they want from the first time they hop in the sack with someone. But the “everything you’re doing wrong” conversation can be a tough one to have when you haven’t been dating that long. What’s much easier? Asking him to have a seat in the “bad at sex” section of your phone book and never calling him again.
But if you do meet a guy who you’re willing to go over some hurdles with, it doesn’t have to be “awkward conversation” or “no more conversation at all.” Try these ways to improve common performance flaws without pointing the finger at where he’s falling short. Just a few of these ego-sparing tips may be just what you need to keep things as passionate in the bedroom as they are everywhere else.
Have any more tips and tricks to make him better in bed while sparing his feelings? Let us know in the comment section!
After so many years of getting it wrong with so many people concerning dating, I decided to take myself off of the market and really focus on preparing for the life that I wanted. I had to get myself in order career wise, I had to patch up some holes in my finances, and I needed to finish up a couple of manuscripts I’d been sitting on for over a year. More than anything, I needed to allow myself time to heal from all of the emotional and mental exhaustion I had put myself through by dealing with men who had no intention of taking me seriously. I realized that even in the midst of all the partying I did, the good times, the flings, the tequila and the late nights and early mornings, I was lonely. And despite wanting to date seriously and work towards a sincere commitment with someone, I wasn’t even prepared. So with a boatload of lessons learned, I locked myself in a cave of personal development and that’s where he found me.
He laid it all out on the table for me and rather than seeing me as this sexual, free-spirited, wild child, he saw me in my purest form. I hadn’t realized how much of my self-worth was based on how big of a social life I had, how many friends I made, and having a calendar with every weekend booked to be somewhere clubbing it up. It was a front to my loneliness. So when he told me he wanted to work towards a marriage, I panicked a little because I didn’t even know how to be a girlfriend despite the fact I believed I had a lot of love to give. I panicked even more when he said that he was holding off on having sex in relationships.
It wasn’t a big deal to me at first because since I had taken a break from dating prior to meeting him, sex had also come to a halt. But in reality, it was a big deal because I had gotten used to sex being an expectation when you’re in a relationship. I was a bit hesitant at his suggestion that we wait, but then something ironic happened. I got an email for a free course offered on Essence.com called “The Wait 101: Discovering Lasting Love Through Celibacy.” I thought why not? The short course is facilitated by married couple DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good, and they take you through a series of short videos and surveys and quizzes to help you reflect on your dating patterns and to help prepare yourself for such a covenant. In such a short period of time, I’ve discovered some very helpful gems. Some might seem elementary, but I realized that the older we get the harder it is to go back to the basics.
We live in a society chock-full of the quick and easy. We want quick meals, quick weight loss results, quick education. We want to alleviate the amount of effort we have to put into things. We want to get paid more money to do less work. You get the point. But with quick meals, you’ll be hungry again sooner; with quick weight loss results, you’ll find yourself struggling to keep it off because you don’t know how to properly maintain. With quick education, you’re only brushing the surface and risk missing out on important details. Such is the case when it comes to building a relationship with someone.
We want the reward first as an incentive to do the work later. I used to be that way. Sex was instant gratification, but it’s no foundation to build a relationship upon. I couldn’t understand why people would want or should deny their natural desires. However, I soon realized that I was often left wondering why guys didn’t want a relationship with me, but wanted the fun that came with being with me. Meagan Good talked about how waiting weeds out what’s not supposed to be so that you can focus on what is meant to be a lot faster. A lot of the damage that we experience emotionally and that we’re still trying to recover from is often rooted in sex or hasty relationships with someone who wasn’t meant for us. Franklin also suggests waiting because rather than spending weeks, months and sometimes even years with someone who wasn’t meant for you, you’ll be able to see them clearly for who they are sooner.
Getting Below the Surface
“Do I love you? Do I lust for you?” Those are just the beginning lines of “Bonita Applebum,” but these are questions we can find answers to faster when remaining celibate while dating. It allows you the clarity to make better decisions not just with your partner, but in your individual life as well. There’s so much more beneath the surface of a person and by choosing to wait you’ll gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner. You’ll be able to fully understand and experience the entirety of love without uncertainty. You’ll figure out if you even like this person and vice versa without the haziness of a sexual relationship. Franklin talks about how so much of men’s values are tied up in their sexual lives and that when you’re in a relationship, with it comes an unspoken expectation that you’re supposed to have sex.
Mind Over Matter
Temptation is all around us. It’s in the music we listen to, it’s in the shows we watch, it’s in those romance novels we lose ourselves, in and there’s literally no escaping it. Choosing to wait is more than just an action, it’s also a mindset, and Franklin and Good both shared some tools on having the mind to wait that I’ve tried to put into practice:
- Pray about it.
- Find a support system. Even though the two of you have each other, it’s great to have a support system of the same sex who can identify with the struggles of being a man or woman in waiting.
- Cut off toxic friends and change your scenery. Most of my friends are as artsy as I am, but nights out with them often ended in sexually-charged nightclubs, throwing back shots of Brandy, grinding and inhaling massive amounts of hookah. I love them dearly, but I knew that couldn’t be my scene much longer.
- Create a statement of purpose and share it with your partner. As a writer and educator, I have a million things going on in my day and if I don’t write them down and have a tangible reminder, I’m liable to forget. So during this process, when things get tough and you find yourself on the verge of slipping, having that physical reminder will help you remember why you started.
Woman In Waiting
It was very interesting to hear Meagan share her journey of living in the limelight and being labeled a sex symbol to embarking on this journey. Often times, when we find ourselves in a web of sex and partying, there’s guilt that we leave with. Even though it’s fun in that moment, the guilt is there followed by feelings of unworthiness. She expressed that your self-worth is your power and the way in which you control your life. Rather than making it a goal to find a man, set goals for yourself. Figure out what makes you excited and find your passion. Develop discipline by starting a fitness routine, learn financial responsibility, pray and meditate, serve your community and just be your best self. He will find you. And no, that doesn’t mean if you don’t do all these things he won’t find you. And there’s a chance that yes, you might even find him.
Standards Of Dating While Waiting
It is important to set some boundaries when dating while waiting. Set your intentions from the beginning, evaluate them constantly and tap into your discernment. Franklin explained that by waiting, we are giving people time to show themselves and to figure out if they are really prepared to share in this experience with you. Learn their dating patterns, their dating past, identify any negative patterns, and learn their type. REMEMBER, you have the power to choose exactly what you want and if they aren’t it, then feel free to walk away.
Plan double dates or group outings with friends. This allows each of you to see each other in different elements and you can observe how they interact with their friends and your own. It is important to control your environment and lessen the amount of alone time in intimate places.
Overall, I loved the course because it gave me the clarity and confirmation that I needed. I love how the program is for those who are single, those who are dating, and also for those who are married and looking for a fresh perspective. I think that even if you aren’t planning on being celibate and have no desire to do so, it will still give you tips on developing a healthy relationship with anyone, period. As I said, some of these things seem a bit elementary while reading, but when you’re in a relationship, you find that it’s not as simple to communicate your feelings, it’s not as simple to reach a common ground on things you don’t agree on, it’s not as simple to abstain, and it’s not as simple to plan a life together. But Franklin and Good are great examples that if someone wants a future with you, they are going to be open and committed to sharing these experiences and walk alongside you.
A few years before I met my husband, I decided to give celibacy a try. I had just gotten out of a crazy, hyper-sexualized relationship and I felt like I needed to go on hiatus so I could start making judgments without an overload of endorphins pumping through my brain. We’ve all been there at some point, right? Looking back on it, the time off was transformative and helped me tremendously in my future relationships. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner you may be even more tempted to bail on your promise to self, but we’re hoping these tips keep you going strong. Celibacy is no easy feat, but there are valuable lessons that can be learned from such an experience. Based on my experience, here are three things you don’t want to do when you’re giving celibacy a try.
Avoid Setting a Time Frame
Try not to think of this as a “how long can I go without sex” game. It’s really not about how long you go without it, but what kind of improvements and realizations you come to while your abstaining. Initially, I said I was going to do this for three months, but when the time was up, I realized I still had some work to do, so I extended until I could really sense a change in my feelings and beliefs about intimacy. It took about a year before I finally felt good about getting back out there. Believe me, the urge to write tally marks on the wall during the first three months was very real, but surprisingly, it subsided when I got very serious about what I hoped to gain from the experience. Try to think about some areas you’d like to make changes and use those as goal marks to help you decide when you’re ready to end your hiatus. Celibacy is about the knowledge we gain about ourselves during that time period – regardless of how short or how long. Make it count.
Don’t Advertise It
When I first decided to be celibate, I really wanted to talk about it, if for nothing more than explain where I was at in my life. But I quickly learned that men can sometimes see a declaration of celibacy as a challenge and I found it was best to just keep that to myself. If I had already made the choice that I wasn’t going there, it didn’t need an announcement. I just needed to stick with it. It’s okay to disclose if you feel you need to, but try not to use it as bait to see how hard he’s willing to work to get the cookie out of the jar. The real goal is to see how well you function and how things flow without the complicated nature of sex on the table. Sure, there will be tension (which can be a good thing), but there’s really no need to brag about the journey while you’re going through it. The real emphasis should be on pacing yourself and evaluating your connection with a person. Plus, you’ll find there are much more interesting things to talk about than the love below.
Don’t Waste Your Time
If you make the decision to be celibate, make sure you use your time wisely. Don’t waste it obsessing about not getting any, or cyber-stalking exes (tempting, I know). I had to shift my focus and be intentional about what I hoped to gain, and not spend too much time worrying about what I may have been missing. This is a good time to develop a hobby and work on team you. We all have needs, but the truth is, our needs expand beyond what happens horizontally in our lives. If we fine tune things vertically, the horizontal stuff will eventually fall into place and be that much better. I found that pursuing different interests such as painting, kayaking, bikram yoga – if you get my drift – made me a more interesting person to be around. It felt good to get an endorphin rush from things that left me feeling accomplished and complete instead of empty and confused, however pleasurable the fleeting moment had been. I had time to explore the things I really liked and was more open to what life had to offer. I was developing a stronger sense of self and it felt good. When I did decide to get back out there, I wasn’t the same person I was before. I was drawn to different people, places and things and my dating life was a lot more fulfilling than when sex ruled the day.
Have you ever taken a walk on the celibate side? What did you learn from your experience?
Quick question: Do you masturbate? Chances are, that question made at least some of you reading this just a little bit uncomfortable. When it comes to women, masturbation has always been somewhat of a taboo topic. Most of us don’t even like to talk about it with our closest girlfriends. And for some, the subject is so out of the question because they don’t masturbate at all. But that may not be the healthiest course of action.
Not only should women feel comfortable talking about masturbation, but they should also get comfortable doing it: doctor’s orders. As it turns out, there are lots of health reasons all women should be masturbating more. And it’s not just a question of feeling good. Regular DIY exploration can improve your physical health, your mood, and your relationship. It can even help you lose weight!
So feel free to read on to find out how self-love does the body good.
(As Told To Lauren R.D. Fox)
Eric and I started dating in July and our relationship was nothing but bliss. Throughout our seven-month courtship, our relationship unfolded with ease. Our date nights were Instagram-worthy (and could even fill a Zane book, cover to cover). Not to mention, I never had to pry for information and I met his friends, family and even co-workers immediately! I was in his world and completely over the moon for him.
I felt like I had finally met “The One.” That is, until one evening after dinner, Eric reminded me that he would be traveling to Brazil in August. He initially told me about his planned trip on our second date and although I had grown to trust Eric, I still had my reservations. I assumed it would be an all-boys trip so I was a bit worried Eric and his friends would have too much fun. You know the type of fun viral Internet videos were made of. Nonetheless, I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him prepare for his upcoming trip. Cheerfully, Eric said, “No it’s OK, Keisha has everything under control.”
“Who is Keisha?” I asked, anxiously . “Oh that’s my home girl who is coming to Brazil with me.” Before I could hurl a series of expletives towards Eric, I calmly said to him: “You’ve never mentioned or spoke about her to me before. Furthermore, why haven’t I met Keisha?”
Eric responded by explaining he and Keisha were college best friends and after they graduated Duke, they traveled once a year together since they lived in distant cities. As much as I wanted to fully believe Eric’s “that’s the homie” spiel, something deep down inside of me didn’t want him to go to Brazil with her.
In order to keep the peace but still have a backbone, I told Eric I didn’t feel comfortable with him going to Brazil with Keisha but if I spoke to her prior to their trip I would feel more at ease. Eric said that was fair but after three weeks, he never made the effort for Keisha and me to be introduced via phone or FaceTime, so I can put a face and voice to the name.
Currently, I am on the fence about our once perfect relationship and considering breaking up with Eric.
Am I being irrational?
You may have thought you knew all of the star-studded TMI, but these celebrities are about to take sex talk to a new level. Amber Rose and Kanye West aren’t the only ones who put their backdoor business on front street. And now we’re wondering if everyone in tinsel town has some bedroom habits and fetishes they’d like to share.
We never would have guessed in a million years that anal play was quite so popular behind closed doors in Hollywood. But we would have been wrong on several counts if we would have assumed it wasn’t true. These celebrities were very upfront about what they like out back. And all of our jaws are still on the floor. You’ll never believe which red carpet regulars like backdoor action — and how comfortable they are with telling people what they really like in the bedroom.
Amber Rose made sure that if we didn’t know how Kanye West got down before, now we know…
In a recent study based on the travel trends of consumers, Airbnb reports that only 25 percent of people booked Valentine’s Day getaways in advance in comparison to the 45 percent who booked lodging for New Year’s Eve 45 days in advance. So what’s the big deal about that?
Well, in a press release on their study, Airbnb revealed: “The pinch of procrastination can get to everyone but when Airbnb analyzed booking data around big holiday travel times including New Year’s Eve, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day we found that guests hold off on committing to Valentine’s Day plans more than any other holiday. Over 45 percent of bookings for New Year’s Eve came 45 days in advance of the fete, however only 25 percent of bookings for Valentine’s Day came in that time period.”
In other words, you or your man might be unsure about each other — or at least your desire to commit to such a romantic rendezvous too far in advance, which kind of goes back to the first point.
In addition to these surprising results, Airbnb notes those who desire to go on vacation during Valentine’s Day weekend tend to fly to Europe. The top Europeans countries/regions, travelers visit during their romantic weekend are Denmark, Poland, the United Kingdom and Switzerland. When not celebrating romance, Airbnb states birthdays are receiving more focus.
Consumers find themselves celebrating their birth week or month by taking extra time off of work to travel. Also 9 percent of those who travel use Airbnb instead of hotels during their birth month than any other month.
When not traveling for love or their birthdays, Airbnb found women, specifically Asians, are more likely to travel without a partner. The top five countries with solo female travelers are Japan, Taiwan, China, Russia, and Brazil.
In 2014, the Huffington Post’s viral piece Don’t Date A Girl Who Travels exposed the true nature of those who have a wanderlust spirit. In the article, author Adi Zarsadias eloquently writes, “Don’t date a girl who travels. She is hard to please. The usual dinner-movie date at the mall will suck the life out of her. Her soul craves for new experiences and adventures. She will be unimpressed with your new car and your expensive watch. She would rather climb a rock or jump out of an airplane than hear you brag about it.”
While most women can relate to the latter—because who likes to listen to arrogant men— Zarsadias also claims that women who love to travel can’t keep a steady job and if she does happen to work, she’ll be a creative entrepreneur who will die from boredom when a significant other speaks about their boring corporate job. Most important, Zarsadias says women who travel live a life of uncertainty, meaning no permanent addresses, and never adhering to timelines. By living such a lifestyle, traveling women usually indulge in candid debates and are not afraid to hold back their thoughts on the latest social issues, even if they’re in the presence of potential suitors’ parents.
Although the piece universally resonates with many women, whenever I read it, I think to myself: How many women actually, wholeheartedly, believe in the theory of a wanderlust lifestyle? And if so, can traveling hold one back from finding the love of her life?
As much as I like to travel, I personally find solitude in having a clear sense of what my routine will be. That doesn’t mean I cannot find the aforementioned in another country or city but I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to date a man who is never in the same place I’m in; especially if traveling takes precedence over our relationship. And although you may want to support your significant other’s #TravelGoals, is it important for travelers to compromise their jet-setter lifestyle?
Blogger Victoria of Victoria’s Xscapes.com answers this question by sharing her own experience of traveling while dating in her piece Dating A Frequent Flyer: “I’ve learned to always offer the idea of sharing the experience with a partner so that they don’t feel “left out” or “left behind.” A partner feeling abandoned, or jealous seems to be the most common issue.” She also advises, “ If they can’t go, include them on your trip with Skype or FaceTime, bring souvenirs back and keeping that communication while gone. Unfortunately, that isn’t always enough. Before I found my trusty travel group, I always tried to depend on friends to travel but then you realize they have other priorities or just don’t share the same interests in traveling overseas.”
Given both Victoria’s and Adi Zarsadias’ perspectives, is compromise key when dating as a traveler or should women forget about love altogether when flying the friendly skies?
If we’re honest, it can be awkward to stare “it” in the face when you first meet. But it’s best to get a really good look at what a man is working with before you get too close and engage in anything with a guy. We know you’re just thinking about size (hey #EggplantFriday) but sometimes there’s far more going on down there than meets the natural, distanced eye, especially if you see or smell the following things…
There’s Something Funky
If it smells “off,” he could have an infection that’s really easy to share. Don’t just assume it’s just a case of sweaty balls, though it certainly wouldn’t hurt if your boo hopped in the shower before you got intimate. If an odor remains even after a good lather, do not pass go or collect anything he might be carrying. It’s time for a conversation and a trip to the doctor.
Lately, the rise in popularity of certain hookup apps like Tinder have been blamed for spikes in STI infections. And apparently, this has inspired the company behind the popular dating application to become more proactive about STI and HIV prevention.
According to Teen Vogue, Tinder added a health and safety section to the application after meeting with the AIDS Healthcare Foundation. The new addition includes Healthvana’s locator for free STI and HIV testing centers.
“Tinder is proud to empower millions of users to create relationships,” said Dr. Jessica Carbino, Lead Sociologist at Tinder in a press release. “An important aspect of any healthy relationship – whether formed on Tinder or otherwise – is ensuring sexual health and safety.”
According to Dr. Carbino, the folks at Tinder are challenging developers behind other dating apps to follow suit.
“We’d be delighted to see other major social networks follow in our footsteps in educating the public,” she continued.
AHF seems to echo that sentiment.
“The CDC recently reported that sexually transmitted diseases increased dramatically in 2014. We are unfortunately now waging an uphill battle on this front. The CDC also noted, the majority of these infections are affecting young people – the demographic that is on their mobile phones all day long,” said Whitney Engeran Cordova, Senior Director, Public Health Division for AIDS Healthcare Foundation. “This is why it is such welcome news that Tinder will add a Health Safety section with a link to Healthvana, making it easier for people to find testing locations through an easily accessible, modern platform. And we hope to see other dating sites do the same.”
While it’s great that Tinder is doing their part, it’s ultimately up to individuals to get tested and take protective measures against HIV and STIs. However, they certainly made doing so a lot easier.
Do you believe that people will take advantage of this added feature?