All Articles Tagged "sex"

Would You Have Closure Sex?

July 30th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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First date sex

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Jill Scott’s number one selling album Woman really tells some complex stories. Earlier, we told you about the single “Closure” about deciding to sleep with a man one, last time before you end the relationship. When Jill  appeared on “The Breakfast Club,” Angela Yee couldn’t wait to ask her about this concept and whether or not she believed this could work in real life.

See what Jilly from Philly had to say about the concept.

I think it can work. Hey, listen, any port in the storm is where I’m at with it. It’s worked. 

For me, I’ve had that experience and that last one was not the best one. My feet were already on my way out. I knew this was it. It’s a rap. This is the last time, Making a conscious decision and then saying I’m going to give my body this one more time. I didn’t second guess or regret or anything. 

Charlemagne: What’s the point of that though? Why can’t a phone conversation be the end of it?

Sometimes phone calls work with some people. Sometimes they don’t. Like I said, any port in a storm. When you’re trying to get away from something that’s not necessarily beneficial to you–you’ve had that conversation before. ‘Look, we’re not going to do this anymore. It was great but…I want more for my life.’ Then here he comes again, smelling like that and then all of a sudden, you change your mind and then you’re right back where you started. You know when someone has that “thang” it’s really challenging to walk away from it. 

This is not about a love relationship. This is about two people that are friends, homie, lover, friends if you will. And we have a great time. But in order to get more, in order to have a well-balanced relationship, a participant in your life. Not just somebody who makes it good, real quick and then disappears. I’m talking about a partnership, in order to have that, you’ve got to make way, you’ve got to make room. That’s the reason for the Closure. 

Hmm…

Initially, when I heard that song, I thought Jill was talking about a man she’d once loved. But listening to the sound of that broke down brotha’s voice, I should have known better. This man was just a cut buddy. Which changes things. True, there is still a chance that you could get in that room and experience some things that will make you reconsider; but if you never loved the person, then it might not be so hard to walk away.

Still, it’s easier said that done.

I know a few women who like to pretend they can have sex casually. But truth be told, they cared more than they wanted to…and in most cases, couldn’t even save face and hide it.

Proceed with caution.

What do you think about this concept? Are you the type of woman who could have closure sex? Have some of you done it before? Did things work out as planned? Do tell.

Being Bipolar Improved My Sex Life

July 8th, 2015 - By Tracey Lloyd
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard someone say that bipolar disorder improved their sex life. You mostly hear about side effects from medications that make you impotent or a cold fish. While I’ve experienced some of that, having bipolar has actually improved my sex life. Really. Not by virtue of having the disease, but because of some experiences I’ve had as a result of my illness.

Before I ever learned of my bipolar diagnosis, I had a hypomanic episode. It’s not the mania where you think you’re a superhero and try to lift up a car or stop criminals. Hypomania is slightly less extreme than full-on mania, giving you all of the euphoria with less danger. So imagine having a project at work where you think of solutions faster than you can write them down. Or getting all your laundry and housecleaning done in one day because you only need two hours of sleep. Or seeing all your friends and family in one week because you feel just that social and energetic. All of that was me, and I was having a great time.

At the time of my mania, I’d had two short relationships that ended oddly and I was feeling a little rejected. In my hypomanic state, I resolved that monogamous relationships were not for me and that I was going to pursue sex-only liaisons. My commitment began with visiting a sex club with a coworker who’d already spent some time exploring that lifestyle. She and I went to a non-member event for her sex club so that I could learn the ropes. To say that I saw some things would be an understatement! There was three-way kissing, married couples and a puppet that I never want to see again in this life. But the goal of the visit was to see if I could handle the swinging sex scene, which I decided I could as long as that puppet, and her owner, wouldn’t be there.

To find a partner for my entrée into sex soirées, I went to Craigslist – where many people before me and many since have gone for non-committed, semi-anonymous erotic adventures. Under the glow of hypomania, I had a lot of fun taking sexy photos and traveling the city just to get down. After all, I had plenty of time at night because I didn’t need to sleep. I met men in bar bathrooms and dark entryways. I learned that I didn’t like to do it standing up but perched on a sink was just fine. I learned new positions at my house and at random apartments. I completed my Men of the Armed Forces collection with a former Marine and someone from the Coast Guard. Sex in public? I liked it! My-wife-doesn’t-know-I’m-here sex? I could do without it. Sex where you can’t find a clean place to lean? Never again.

When it came time for me to attend another actual sex party, I chose a man who was on a swim team and had, shall we say, a prodigious appendage. Extra-large penises were on my list, so Swimmer Man and I went to a club and descended to the basement for the festivities. My coworker had brought her regular sex party date. There were couples in various states of engagement, though actual intercourse was verboten. Men and women in leather danced on a stage and on platforms. I was disappointed that there weren’t more people, but I did get to touch a glittery fake breast. That’s about it.

Perhaps the hypomanic glow was fading, or perhaps this scene was never really interesting to me.

When my date and I were scolded for showing too much skin in a corner, we adjourned to a hotel room that I procured for the evening. Though I would never see Swimmer Man again, I will say that he was useful. He taught me some things that wouldn’t have been possible had his, um, member not been quite so large. He also taught me my limits, which were either closer than I’d initially thought, or not meant to be tested with a one-time paramour. And even though I descended into depression shortly after that, my foray into my erstwhile sexual underworld gave me a lot of information. Information about me and what I like, and information about how to do to other people what they may like. From that standpoint, having bipolar disorder definitely improved my sex life.

“Tracey Lloyd lives in Harlem, where she fights her cat for access to the keyboard. You can find more of her experiences living with bipolar disorder on her personal blog, My Polar Opposite.

Cunnilingus: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

June 24th, 2015 - By Deja Jones
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There’s always the debate of who has it worse when it comes to pleasuring their partner with oral sex. Women sometimes complain about men’s hygiene, the taste and the expectation that she should swallow, whereas, men often complain about female hygiene, landing strip versus shaven hair and the taste. But I’m sure we can all agree that there’s nothing like a little foreplay to get things heated up in the bedroom–or wherever you like to play. According to the experts, 70-80 percent of women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm. This can be very daunting for the conservative fella who thinks that getting in and off is just enough to keep her satisfied. But why not show her a little love below? Ladies, if you find yourself unsatisfied with your partner’s reluctance to give you oral sex, consider schooling him on the good, the bad and the ugly of cunnilingus while taking the proper steps to make it more enjoyable and safe for him.

You Are What You Eat

The vagina is an acidic organ that requires a healthy pH balance to remain in tip-top shape. If your partner doesn’t like the taste, consider adding and subtracting some things from your diet. Because the vagina is acidic, consider adding acidic foods such as pineapples, oranges and grapefruit to balance your pH levels. These foods will also add a bit of sweetness to the taste. Adding celery to your diet helps to reduce any bitter taste your partner might come across when he’s down there. Celery is also high in water and Vitamin C. If a smell is an issue, consider adding healthy probiotics to your diet such as yogurt to help maintain a natural body odor. Cranberries and 100 percent cranberry juice also aid in reducing odor as well as preventing urinary tract infections.

Avoiding foods such as fried and sugary foods, dairy, red meats and fish can also help keep your yoni in good shape. I know you may be thinking, “But I love __.” Well, I say everything in moderation. It is important for your partner to understand that you most likely won’t smell like a bed of roses down there, so he shouldn’t expect you to. But you should smell healthy and clean. Now tell him to man up and get to work.

The Prep

Let’s be honest. There’s nothing more annoying than going down on your partner and getting a whiff of the rough day they had, or even worse, a mouth full of hair. Consider paying extra attention to personal hygiene. Poor hygiene leads to bad odors and a buildup of unpleasant residue. If 1970s bush floats your boat, by all means, do you, sista. But consider trimming loose hairs and giving your vagina hair a good deep condition. Some women prefer to leave a landing strip, and some are more comfortable with a fresh baldy. It is important to note that hair traps odor and other bacteria and dirt, so it’s okay if you have to spend a little more time in the shower to make the experience more pleasurable for you and your partner.

Playing It Safe

Too much of anything can be bad if you aren’t safe. While some may perceive oral sex as one of the safest forms of sex out there, you should also know that there are plenty of risk factors involved. The mouth can contain several microscopic cuts and bruises that can make you susceptible to STIs/STDs such as herpes, hepatitis, HPV as well as chlamydia. These infections can be passed orally. Just as encouraged with vaginal and anal sex, consider getting tested every six months or before you enter into a sexual relationship with a new partner that involves oral sex. If you find yourself uncertain of yourself or your partner, get tested first and consider using dental dams, which are a protective film placed over the vagina during oral sex.

It Takes Two To Tango

If both you and your partner find the foreplay of oral sex to be boring, try changing it up by experimenting with your moves. Positions such as doggy style, face-sitting, and spread eagle make for a better view and a pleasurable experience. Ask him to use a finger or two to add a little penetration to the fun. And if you’re feeling really adventurous, using toys and allowing him to explore what makes you squirm will make him more interested in what he’s doing. No one wants to sit and lick until their tongue is stiff, ladies, so help him help you.

The act of sex alone is a partnership. It’s give and take. So if he expects to receive and wants to hear no complaints from you about it, school him on giving.

Surprising Health Benefits Of The Big-O

June 19th, 2015 - By Julia Austin
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benefits of orgasms

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Are you guilty of not reaching orgasm during sex? You know, you don’t want to be too demanding, so you let your partner do his thing and you just pretend to get off…Stop doing that! You’re not just missing out on a few minutes of physical bliss; you could be missing out on years of physical health! Here are surprising health benefits of orgasms.

15 Foods That Will Get You In The Mood

June 18th, 2015 - By Desiree Bowie
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15 Foods to get you in the mood

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It’s summertime. The weather is good, and everyone is showing more skin and getting booed up. Whether you’re at home making dinner or going out for a bite to eat, you should try these 15 foods that will get you in the mood and make this summer even hotter.

“I Demand An Orgasm Every Time”: Don’t Let Nicki Minaj’s Advice Mess Up Your Sex Life

June 11th, 2015 - By TaMara Griffin
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Nicki Minaj has caused yet another Internet frenzy with her most recent statements about how a man must please her in bed. In the July issue of Cosmopolitan, Minaj said, “I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that.”

I find it very interesting — and amusing — when people who do not have a conceptual framework of healthy sexuality, nor formal education and/or credentials in the field of human sexuality, try to educate and/or give advice on how someone can better their sex life.  Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that someone has to have a degree in sexuality to give suggestions. I am, however, unapologetically saying that they should at the very least have a thorough understanding of all dimensions of sexuality before haphazardly giving out information and recommendations.

While Minaj’s comments regarding demanding your orgasms from your mate may be well-intended, those comments also set people up for disappointment. Furthermore, it contributes to the misunderstanding of women’s sexuality and empowerment. Our sexuality is complex. Given the historical context, the societal construction of sexuality, negative intergenerational patterns, stigmas, taboos, the female anatomy, variations in sexual response, misunderstandings about sexual empowerment and more, it’s obvious that experiencing an orgasm is much more than a simple demand from one’s partner.

Finally, why should someone assume or demand that someone else give them sexual pleasure? I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but that is not how it works. That belief system is one of the very reasons why many women are left feeling unfulfilled sexually. That mindset gives someone else way too much power, control and accountability over our own sexuality. It is not fair to hold someone else responsible for our sexual pleasure. We should be an active participant in our sexual experiences and make sure that we are getting our own pleasure.

At the end of the day, we are responsible for navigating our sexual health and experiences, not anyone else. When we give others that power, we only hurt ourselves because we fail to value our sexuality. And besides, do you really want to take advice from someone who made a song boasting about “Truffle Butter“? I think not.

 

IMG_0827 (1)Dr. TaMara loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a certified clinical sexologist, sex therapist, best-selling author and powerful motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara- Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-LIFE. Dr. TaMara is also the Editor-in-Chief of Our Sexuality! Magazine. Our Sexuality! is the premiere magazine for women’s sexuality and sexual health. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or www.drtamaragriffin.com. Join Dr. TaMara’s movement of Healthy Sexuality #HowDareINot #ISaveLives www.howdareinot.com

15 Ways You Didn’t Know You Could Get Pregnant

June 10th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Tumblr

Image Source: Tumblr

Does anyone else watch I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant? We’ve found out enough fear-inducing facts about pregnancy from research and recent news stories to make you want to do any and everything possible to stay protected.

Are Your Masturbation Habits Normal? Self-Love By The Numbers

June 10th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Self-love is a very private thing for some people. So it’s no wonder that it’s rarely ever a topic of group conversation. But that leaves many women in the dark when it comes to healthy masturbation habits. Want to know where you fit on the curve? Check out what these studies found.

How I Turn Antidepressant Side Effects Into Positives For My Sex Life

June 10th, 2015 - By Tracey Lloyd
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Antidepressant Side Effects

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Pharmaceutical companies publicize the side effects of antidepressants that may affect a patient’s sex life. Most of their information focuses on how a loss of libido from certain antidepressants impacts sex and sexuality. But we all know that sex occurs in the brain and other body parts as much as it does our genitals. So before beginning a regimen it’s important to consider all the sex side effects of these drugs.

Some Antidepressant Side Effects Can Be Good For Your Sex Life

The classes of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are known to cause the greatest loss of libido for users. Serotonin is the “feel good” chemical in the brain that makes us happy, and it can be crucial for people suffering from depression or even for people in a general bad mood. The bad news is that those antidepressant side effects range from lower sex drive to complete loss of interest for many people. For women, this sexual side effect can translate into decreased feelings of arousal and decreased natural lubrication. Men experience low libido as lack of arousal and erectile dysfunction.

The good news, however, is that while SSRIs and SNRIs don’t play nice with our genitals, our brains may still be down for sex.  After all, the best antidepressant side effect is boosted mood, and your mood is a part of sex. For both men and women, this can present itself as wanting to give a partner oral stimulation and engaging in other sex acts that require a mental, if not a physical, willingness. While my particular antidepressants have never had an impact on my sex drive — other than making me want to have sex because I was happy — I have been with a man whose drugs prevented him from getting an erection. He also didn’t care for oral sex. Let’s just say that I left that encounter feeling rather unsatisfied.

Antidepressants Left A Bad Taste In My Mouth, Literally

Dry mouth is a known side effect of SSRIs, SNRIs and other newer classes of antidepressants, and dry mouth can cause bad breath. I’ve always drunk a lot of water with my pills, and I walk around with a bottle of water at all times.  I chew gum, and I carry mints. I never want to be faced with a potential sexual partner if I know I have dragon breath. My voluminous water intake means that I pretty much have to go to the bathroom all the time, including during sex, which can be something of a buzz kill, but I’ve never had any complaints. The positive side effects of drinking tons of water are clear skin, properly functioning organs, and healthy, lubricated vaginal tissue.

Lack of saliva can have an impact on kissing and other oral activities as well. A completely dry kiss is the opposite of a turn-on, and concerning oral sex, the only word I can think of is “drag,” both figuratively and literally. You may not associate sexual accessories and antidepressants, but several well-known bedroom enhancements, like ice cubes, mints, and flavored lubricants can add excitement to foreplay while stimulating saliva production. Personally, I like a sweet flavored lubricant. My flavor of choice is cinnamon. You can thank me later.

Shakes, Tremors, And Antidepressants

Some antidepressants and other classes of psychotropic drugs cause tremors, tics, and other muscular maladies. It actually sounds worse than it is. Most of these side effects are temporary, so they should disappear within weeks or months of use. But until that happens, a facial tic or hand tremor might make for an awkward interaction with a suitor.

Right now, I take a medication that causes muscle spasms that started in my face and moved to my hands and arms. The good news is that the facial spasm felt bigger than it looked, so I could get away with it. The hand and arm movements are a little bit harder to conceal. I’m single now, but I can just picture caressing a partner–and then my arm starts flailing around. Or I’m performing manual stimulation, and I can’t control my movements, so my partner loses interest. Those thoughts are unnecessarily negative though because there’s always a solution to every problem. I could use the tremors to my advantage and create a signature move when giving a hand job. Or the tremors could go away before any of this becomes an issue. Most likely, I’ll just focus on the positive aspects of my antidepressants and deal with the rest as it comes.

Tracey Lloyd lives in Harlem, where she fights her cat for access to the keyboard. You can find more of her experiences living with bipolar disorder on her personal blog, My Polar Opposite.

Fans Share What It’s Like To Sleep With A Celebrity

June 3rd, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Ever wonder what it’s like to sleep with your favorite celebrity? These “super fans” (that’s what we’ll call them for now) have got you covered. These stories are brought straight to you by the ladies from this intriguing Reddit thread (aka, excuse the grammar).