All Articles Tagged "sex"

Are We Selling Sex Or Is Sex Selling Black Women?

October 31st, 2014 - By TaMara Griffin
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Selling Sex

Source: WENN

With all the buzz that was surrounding Nicki Minaj’s video “Anaconda,” I have to wonder as a Black women is this all we want for ourselves? Is this really a representation of Black women and our sexuality? Why must we continuously be the focus of hypersexualized videos in order to be relevant? Why must we allow ourselves to continue to be exploited like Mimi Faust and her infamous sex tape? Is this five minutes of fame worth our selling our souls and destroying our people? What statement does this send to our young girls who watch videos and reality TV shows and think that this is a way of life?

While many women are empowered enough to realize that this buffoonery is a form of “entertainment,” many women are not able to make that connection. Unfortunately as a result, many women and young girls end up modeling their lives after these reckless, negligent and thoughtless images. These images don’t represent nor promote sex positivity nor do they denote owning and embracing one’s sexuality. In fact, it’s just the opposite. These images actually represent a conflict of values, morals, and a lack of self esteem
and self-efficacy that contributes to putting oneself at risks for mental health issues, interpersonal violence, substance abuse, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, etc.

Black women’s sexuality is already stereotyped, stigmatized, taboo and bogged down by layers of negative intergenerational patterns and ideologies that have been passed down from slavery. These ideologies were used to validate the inhumane sexual treatment of enslaved women. They were also used to imply that Black women were despicable and inferior. Unfortunately, these ideologies are still present. Today, the media uses these images in music videos, movies, television shows, and other forms of entertainment to continue to brainwash people into believing the negative stereotypes of Black women.

The prevailing images of Black women in the media include jezebels, baby-mamas, video vixens, chicken heads, gold diggers, angry Black women, and hoes. These images and ideologies, with their highly sexual undertones, helps to influence the way in which Black women view themselves. The more Black women see images of themselves getting famous for fitting into one of the aforementioned categories, the more likely they feel inclined to model what they see. In addition, these images helps to influence the way others value and interact with Black women.

While rappers, actors, entertainers and “reality” TV stars may not have signed up to become role models, they are! Once they step into the spotlight, they become a model for what is considered to be trendy and acceptable. These “celebrities” in many ways, good or bad, set the standard. But what standard are they setting and at what cost to Black women?

Unfortunately, Black women have become desensitized to seeing themselves portrayed negatively. While there aren’t any signs of these unhealthy images disappearing any time soon, there is definitely a need to counteract them in the media. We are in need of a cultural shift in sexuality, one that restores the dignity of Black women. It is time for Black women to reclaim our sexual images in society. We must ask ourselves the following questions: 1)Do we care about the type of women our girls grow up to become, 2) Is their public image worth defending, and 3) Is their sexual integrity worth protecting?

No longer can we sit in silence or stand idly on the sidelines while the images of Black women continue to be destroyed in the media. However, in order to change the trajectory, we need to begin with restoring Black women’s sense of value, worth and sexuality. We need to transform from the “ex’s,” “jezebel,” “angry Black woman,” “video vixen,” “gold digger,” “baby mama,” “chicken heads,” and “‘hoes” to self-respecting women, wives, mothers and leaders in our community. Once we do, we will be able to see a shift in our society that will begin to embrace and celebrate the true authentic essence of Black women’s sexuality.
Dr. TaMara G10517587_10152337526693315_3514000000734284521_nriffin loves nothing more than talking about sex! At the age of 13, she told her mother she wanted to be a Sex Therapist! Her passion is deeply rooted in spreading messages about healthy sexuality. Dr. TaMara is a sexologist, sex therapist, educator and motivational speaker with more than 20 years of experience speaking, writing and teaching about sexuality. She travels the country helping individuals embrace and honor their sexuality. Dr. TaMara has published numerous books and articles. She is the owner of L.I.F.E. by Dr. TaMara Griffin, Live Inspired Feel Empowered LLC-L.I.F.E. www.drtamaragriffin.com. She is also the Director of Project Create S.A.F.E. {Sexual Assault Free Environments} www.projectcreatesafe.com.

The Boardroom & The Bedroom: How Sex Can Help Your Career

October 29th, 2014 - By Ann Brown
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Sex can help your career. Yes, you read right. Having more sex can not only help decrease your stress levels at work, but could lead to a raise.

According to Inc., there are five ways in which sex can help your career.

One is more money. “People who have sex get paid more,” reports Inc. “Apparently there are some outside-of-the-bedroom perks for having more sex. One of those perks is a higher paycheck, at least according to research from the Institute for the Study of Labor.”  The study discovered people who have sex at least four times a week earn more money than those who don’t.

Another is sex acts as a stress reliever, which will result in a happier and healthier worker.  You may also live longer if you have a healthy sex life. “According to the book Your Doctor is Wrong by Sharon Norling, frequent orgasms can increase life expectancy by three to eight years. Plus, a study by Arizona State University showed sexual behavior with a partner correlated with lower negative mood and higher positive mood the following day in middle-aged women,” reports Inc.

Third, sex can boost your immune system, which will mean fewer sick days. During sex, the hormone Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) is released and among the benefits includes reducing symptoms in women with lupus and helping depression.

A side benefit– DHEA can take years off your real age. “According to a study by the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, people in their 40s who reported having 50 percent or more sex than their peers also appeared to be about seven to 13 years younger than their actual age when judged by a panel of strangers.

Sex can also get rid of office migraines. Another hormone released during sex is Oxytocin. Dubbed the “love hormone,” it is pain relief.

Lastly, sex and entrepreneurship go hand in hand. Entrepreneurs tend to have more sex. According to a recent survey of entrepreneurs, 14 percent reported having more sex after ditching their 9-to-5 job. “So it works both ways–more sex can help your career with better health and higher wages, and finally breaking out on your own and following your entrepreneurial dreams can lead to more sex,” reports Inc.

Hey Madame: How Do I Tell My Man I Need More Sexually?

October 29th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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 I Need More Sexually

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Hey Madame,

How do I tell my man I need more sexually without hurting his feelings? By more I mean foreplay, endurance, and oral. He doesn’t do oral and I miiiiiiiissssss that. Basically, we just do it and go to sleep. I need passion and lengthy sessions. Please help because I’m thinking of cheating even though I don’t want to. I love this man dearly.

Veronica:  I just think you need to tell him. And there’s a great chance that you might hurt his feelings. But his response will tell you a lot, so pay attention. Tell him that you need more foreplay and perhaps suggest things he can do for endurance’s sake. (Do your own research.) And then ask him why he’s so anti-oral. If there’s no swaying him on that, then you’ll need to ask yourself if that’s something you require in a relationship. But uhhh… about that cheating thing? Naw. That’s a very punk move. Tell him you’re not satisfied, if he doesn’t respond well, break up. Cheating will only come to the light later and karma is very real. If you love this man as much as you say you do, cheating could mean losing him forever. Good luck.

Victoria: Don’t cheat. You should make the effort first to let your man know that you want to improve the sexual relationship that you have, and if he is resistant to change to the point that you’re unhappy, you should just leave before you step out. I would also encourage you to try and change things up on your own if you want things to be more passionate in the bedroom (you should still let him know your concerns though). Try some different positions by taking charge in executing them. Often times we want more but we expect men to do more in order to make that happen.

Initiate longer “make out sessions.” Bring in certain toys, lingerie or products to spice things up.Tell him in a tender way before you get straight into intercourse what exactly it is that you want (including him going down on you). Foreplay will definitely lead to longer sessions so do what you can to continuously encourage more kissing (when he tries to jump into intercourse, lightly resist–making him wait will be worth it), more oral play, more things that will keep you satisfied. They do say that closed mouths don’t get fed… Certain things might require more than just spicing it up between the two of you, as in the whole endurance issue. He might need to get in the gym, change up his diet or see a doctor about that. But for everything else, if you love this man dearly, you both should be able to work together to improve the sex life that you have together.

Jazmine: Cheating is definitely NOT the answer. It just sounds like the two of you need to work on improving your sex life. There are ways of communicating your wants and desires without being harsh or critical. Instead of beginning your statement with what he’s doing wrong, praise him for what he’s doing right and then make your suggestions. For example: “I really like when you do XYZ, but you know what I’d really like to try…” I’d also take advantage of that conversation as an opportunity to find out if there’s anything he’d like for you to do or try.

Lingerie almost always helps and as some have already suggested, I think doing research is pertinent because there’s so much information out there. It’s difficult to make suggestions when you’re not quite sure what you want yourself. Perhaps you can purchase a book on different positions and suggest that the two of you commit to trying some of the out. Also, it takes two to tango. There’s nothing wrong with you stepping up and taking charge.

I’m not really sure what to say about his refusal to perform oral. Maybe find out what his hang ups about it are and then move forward from there?

It really just sounds like you guys need to work on being comfortable enough to communicate your wants in the bedroom.

Brande: You have to have a conversation and, frankly, you probably should have had it before the first time you got it in — or at least after. If you like receiving oral sex and he hates performing it, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get the sexual pleasure you need. Plus, your man has been going along all this time thinking he’s doing his thing and he’s clearly not so it’s likely he won’t be too receptive to this feedback, at least initially. Tell him you’re not getting the pleasure you need and that sex is just as much about the intimacy around it as it is the physical act; hence he needs to spend more time getting you in the mood so you enjoy the moment just as much as he hopefully does. Whatever you do, don’t cheat. Walk away from the relationship before you do that. It’s not the answer and you know it.

Lauren: I think you need to assess why cheating would even be an option for you. As much as sex is physical, it is also a mental and emotional experience. Do you feel connected in these ways with your partner? Besides this, I think it is important you speak about how you feel with your significant other. In order to strengthen your sexual relationship, your communication needs to be sound. If you two cannot speak about what troubles you (or him) in the bedroom maturely without taking offense, it would be worth the thought to examine your personal hangups. Many couples say once they put each other’s needs first, everything aligns for them. Try that method, happy snuggling and then some!

These Celebs Were How Old When They Lost Their Virginity?

October 23rd, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Do you know how old these celebrities were when they lost their virginity? You might know when when Beyonce lost it. But you’ll never guess Weezy’s story — or Britney Spears’ big cover-up about hers.

Image Source: WENN.com

Image Source: WENN.com

Khloe Kardashian

Khloe told The View that she was 14 when she lost her virginity to an 18-year-old man. But Khloe says she regrets giving into the pressure to give it away, “I should have listened to my parents. Don’t let anyone pressure you, it’s not worth it and how I felt afterward.”

15 Embarrassing Sex Questions We’re All Afraid to Ask (And Their Answers)

October 16th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Is it supposed to smell like that? What’s a normal amount of orgasms? It can be hard to find someone who’ll respond to your embarrassing sex questions. So we gathered the answers right here.

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Can I Break His Penis?

The uncomfortable truth?: sort of. The penis isn’t a bone so it can’t technically break. But you can fracture it during vigorous sex by accidentally bending it. It’s a serious and painful injury that will involve a few awkward conversations in the ER and almost immediate surgery.

Stars Who Really Did It On Screen (And A Few Rumored To)

October 13th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Some sex scenes feel too steamy to not be true. Do you know which stars you’ve actually watched have real sex on screen? You’ll be shocked at who copped to the truth (and who has a doctor’s bill to prove it).

Image Source: Tumblr.com

Image Source: Tumblr.com

Notorious B.I.G.

Have you heard the very realistic sounding sloppy toppy sounds on Biggie’s song Ready to Die? Well, Diddy recently admitted that what it sounded like was exactly what you heard.

HuffPost blogger Barry Michael Cooper asked Diddy, “In the interlude, is Big actually getting some head?” Diddy laughed and said “Yeah. These are questions that nobody’s ever asked, and I think Big would be alright with it.”

Let Them Eat Cake: Celebrity Men Who Love Oral Sex

October 10th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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“Taking the train down town?” “Enjoying southern pleasures?” “Eating cake?” Whatever you call it, these are the celebrity men who love oral sex and doing all of the above.

Image Source: WENN.com

Image Source: WENN.com

Lil’ Wayne

All you have to do to know Lil’ Wayne’s views on going down is to turn on a track. He mentions eating the p-you-know-what in practically every song. That’s a lot of enthusiasm.

#Undefiled: Erica Campbell Brags About Warryn’s Sex Game On Instagram

October 6th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Erica Campbell Brags About Warryn's Sex Game On Instagram

Source: WENN

Gospel singer, Erica Campbell is in love with her husband, honey. And as some of y’all know, love has the tendency to overflow sometimes. And in the early hours of this morning Erica let some of hers spill over onto social media.

At around 3 am (Eastern) and 1 am (Pacific), she posted a picture of her producer husband Warryn Campbell. Nothing unusual about that. But the hashtags told the full story. See what she had to say below.

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Mmmmm this guy sure does make me happy in sooo many ways… #lawdhamercy #goodstuff #mine #chocolatetastegood #grown #maybeishouldgetoffsocialmedia #ummm #goodnight #betterthingstodo #undefiled #latenight #hallelujah #satisfied #nasty

View on Instagram

Oop… Christians know the “marriage bed is undefiled” scripture all too well. And for those of you who are unfamiliar, basically, anything goes once you’ve tied the knot.

I’m sure there may be some people who take issue with Erica putting her husband’s bedroom skills on Instagram but personally, I kind of dig it. So many times, we receive messages that sex and fun cease once a couple gets married. And of course the old antiquated attitudes of women not enjoying sex at all or as much as men, still persist. So good for Erica and Warryn.

What do you think about Erica’s post on Instagram? Is it too much or too cute?

Why Casual Sex Doesn’t Make Men Commit

September 17th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Shutterstock

 

By Michael Hollan, From YourTango

A female colleague of mine keeps describing herself, quite proudly, as a slut, and bragging about all no-strings-attached sex she has with guys … but then desperately tries to make each of those guys her boyfriend and gets hurt. Here’s why that method isn’t working.

Dear girl that works in my office that describes herself as a slut,

No, you’re not a slut. Stop saying that.

I think that however you want to live your life, as long as it’s not hurting anyone else, is fine: go for it! When it comes to slut shaming, it’s a horrible thing to try to make someone feel ashamed for their choices. If a girl or guy wants to have a certain type of sex life, then let them. If you don’t like it, then just don’t sleep with those people. As long as they’re neither hurting nor deceiving anyone, then let them do their thing. It doesn’t matter.

(Side note: I’m not slut shaming this girl. I’m also not virgin shaming anyone else. When it comes to sex, have as much or as little as you want. I am ok with dumb shaming though, which I think is fine. People can be promiscuous if they want, but they shouldn’t be dumb. Dumb shaming is just fine. If a girl sleeps with a guy that she finds attractive even though she doesn’t want to marry him, she shouldn’t be shamed. Someone that’s walking around in public looking down at their phone instead of where they’re going and walks into a wall? Yes, that person should be shamed.)

So once again, back to my point, which is my female coworker: you’re not a slut. But you’re having sex in a dumb way, if that makes sense. You go out and pretend to be a self-proclaimed slut, just to get guys to pay attention to you. Which, if that was all you were looking for, would be a great plan. If all you wanted out of these guys was to get them to pay for your drinks, then this would be a great plan. I’d say “you go girl” and high five you.

The problem is, you tell guys that you aren’t looking for a boyfriend, just some fun, and then get mad at them when they don’t want to be your boyfriend. Which I think is totally unfair.

Read more about sex and relationship at YourTango.com

What Promiscuous Women Can Teach Their Daughters About Sex

September 17th, 2014 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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Shutterstock

A couple of days ago I came across Jezebel’s article: “What Former Sl*ts Tell Their Daughters About Sex.” Not only did the title intrigue me but it made me think about the type of language we use to describe women who are sexually liberated. It also made me reminisce on a conversation I had with my Caribbean mother, as I inquired about her sex life. Of course she shut that down promptly and told me women do not kiss and tell — words I live by in my own dating life.

In their article, Jezebel investigates a Reddit Thread titled: Mothers who were promiscuous in your younger days- Did your values change once you had a daughter? Because of the word choice, the Jezebel article’s author, Tracy Moore, questioned:

“Why daughters? Why mothers? And why would dads never be asked this question about themselves or their sons? But we know why — because men still aren’t called sluts, and are often not even called promiscuous, which is just a coded word for slut and is typically used only to refer to women.”

Moore’s point moved me because as inquisitive as I am, I usually find myself asking my mother or aunts about their sex lives back in the day rather than my father or uncles. Reason being, the latter party has biologically shown me they had what appears to be a great time based on the number of siblings or cousins I have. Also, my father and uncles are more open about their sexual exploits (minus inappropriately awkward details I don’t want or need to know) because they were raised among men who freely traded stories about their sexual relations. Using my own family as an example, I understand the importance of the Reddit thread, which doesn’t necessarily focus on the juicy details of parents’ sex lives, but offers communication about how a person uses and treats their own sexuality based on personal or cultural measuring sticks. Two Reddit users responded to the question of their values changing by stating:

Yes and no, while I cringe at the thought of her being a sexual being, I understand that it is inevitable. I try to teach her the anatomical names of her body parts and that they are normal. I try to teach her what real love is like and to be a good example of what a woman is….other than what I’ve mentioned, I plan on being honest and thorough in all aspects of her education including sex. – Azzkerraznack

Why does the gender of the child matter?
I want the same thing for my sons and my daughters. Healthy sexual relationships with people who treat them well and are treated well in return.
I’d rather my kid have a fun ONS with an interesting, respectful stranger than spend 15 years ‘in love’ with someone who uses her and makes her miserable.- Whatim

When I brought this topic to two friends of mine who are also MadameNoire readers they responded with this insight:

I don’t consider myself to be promiscuous however, I would explain to my children when they come of age that sex is a powerful thing. It can bring a lot of pleasure and also a lot of pain. If you don’t have intentions on pursuing this particular person don’t lay with them because people’s feelings get involved and crazy things can happen. Sex can be good if done properly (I.e. birth control condoms and regular check ups) I would also tell them to be safe and take care of themselves.- M.R.

My second(and last) partner last taught me a valuable lesson:You can’t use sex to erase the heartbreak of the previous relationship and that’s what I did which is why I’ve had such a tough experience but you live and you learn which is why I’ve chosen to remain celibate for a while at least until I get my sense of self back.- L.A.

Although we can trade lessons about our sexual experiences with our peers or children, it’s also important for us to understand promiscuity does not have a concrete definition. For some, three sexual partners may be extreme whereas, 10 (or more) may seem normal. With that in mind, what sex lessons would you share with your daughters?

No thanks