All Articles Tagged "sex"

Straight From His Mouth: Why Do Women Settle For Bad Sex In Relationships?

July 29th, 2014 - By RealGoesRight
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bad sex


Last week I had a conversation with my best friend of the opposite sex, playing catch up and trading stories as we often do. She told me about a friend of hers (we’ll call this friend Vee) and Vee’s latest failed attempt at dating. Vee was dating a guy and things went sour, and while a host of situations led to their eventual demise, the reason my friend and I had been cackling at the highest volumes known to man is because of the question Vee posed during their talk. Vee asked my friend: “would you keep dating a guy if the sex was bad?” to which my friend replied, “you’re asking ME this? ME? The woman who’s stopped dating guys she’s LIKED because the sex was bad?”At this point, laughter turned to tears as I replied, “she must’ve forgotten who she was talking to.” My friend, for as long as I’ve known her, has absolutely refused to be in a relationship with men who couldn’t satisfy her sexually. I thought this was common practice but I later found out that it’s not. So the question posed here is why do women settle for bad sex?

Relationships are complicated in that they can be as a simple as meeting the right person at the right time, or as difficult as trying to complete a rubix cube with one hand while blindfolded. Given our own dating histories, preferences, observations, and experiences, sex can either be the most/least important thing or fall anywhere in between. For some, sex isn’t a big deal. It’s just something to do to pass the time or please their partner and they’re apathetic to the feeling of orgasms or connecting with another person on a physical level. For others, sex within a relationship provides a safe haven where partners can express themselves freely. From an observational standpoint, most of the women I’ve seen complaining about having bad sex, yet still maintaining a relationship with their partner, fall into the latter category. Women who seem to crave orgasms the same way my girlfriend craves certain Jamaican dishes are steadfast in their refusal to leave their mates.

Women who settle for bad sex will point to any number of reasons for staying. The most frequent explanation (or excuse) I hear is, “he’s a good man and he has all these other great qualities. Why would I leave him just because the sex is bad?” It’s a legitimate question, even though I don’t understand it from a male perspective. It’s been said that women can’t go backward in lifestyle and men can’t go backward sexually. Meaning, once a woman is accustomed to a certain lifestyle or way of being treated by a man, she will no longer accept anything less than that. For men, once he’s been introduced to certain sexual acts and finds joy in them, he will no longer date a woman who won’t meet those same base desires.

I’m of the mind that while it can be challenging to find a mate, it’s not an impossible task. And while I’m aware of the “80/20 rule,” I’m not sure why sex would be involved in that “20.” My mind can’t fathom being with my girlfriend and suffering through fake orgasms, terrible fellatio, and having to look her in the face everyday knowing she can’t please me. It’s my belief if I’m suppose to be in a monogamous relationship and I’m only allowed to have sex with one person for the duration of the time I’m with said person, sexual compatibility would be at the top of the list — or damned closed to it.

So, ladies, hit the comment section and let me know. Would you stay in a relationship with a “good” guy if the sex wasn’t up to par? Have you ever stayed with a guy who couldn’t please you sexually and, if so, why? Lastly, where does sexual compatibility rank in terms of importance in relationships?

Things Some Men Still Need To Learn About Sex

July 29th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Some guys can be surprisingly clueless when it comes to sex. If he’s still making these beginner mistakes, it could be time to have that awkward conversation about why doing it with him just isn’t doing it for you.

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Foreplay Is Always Necessary

Instant rip-your-clothes-off chemistry is rare. Women are just wired to warm up. But if he’s willing to put in the time it’s better for everyone involved.

Surgeons Find Sex Toy Lodged In Woman’s Vagina For Over 10 Years

July 28th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Ladies, don’t let your sex toys threaten your life. The New York Daily News is reporting that a Scottish woman had been suffering from severe weight loss, shakes, lethargy and mild incontinence when she checked herself in to the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary.

It wasn’t long before doctors were able to tell her that her symptoms were all the result of a sex toy that had been lodged in her vagina for over ten years.

When the woman arrived at the hospital, doctors ran a series of tests and were shocked to find the five inch device that was resting against her bladder. The woman, 38, remembered that she’d used the toy during a drunken romp more than ten years ago.

Thankfully, surgeons were able to remove the toy because it had caused quite a bit of life threatening damage, including a blockage to her bladder that was forcing urine back into her kidneys. Once doctors had repaired the damage, the woman was later discharged from the hospital.

I know this is all hard to believe and digest. (I know I certainly had my doubts.) But this case was so bizarre, it was reported in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. And if that’s not enough for you, you can check out homegirl’s x-ray here. 

Y’all be careful out here.

Um, What? Things Men Do That Instantly Kill The Mood

July 25th, 2014 - By Julia Austin
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Things Men Do That Instantly Kill The Mood

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Men, in case you haven’t noticed yet, getting “in the mood” is a complex process for women. It’s emotional, mental, and, sure, a * little * bit physical. So once you get us there, don’t screw it up! Here are 15 things men say and do that instantly kill the mood.

Why Are We Obsessed With Eating The “Cake” In Our Bedrooms?

July 25th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

You know, it’s said that we live in a microwave society. We are trendy. We want instant gratification. I’m sure we’re conditioned to be that way at this point. At least in small doses we all have a little microwave society in us. This day I examine a small part of what’s hot in the streets. You all probably have a good idea what it is I’m referring to. Analingus, tossing salad, and eating ass are all terms we’re familiar with by now. I mean hell,(black) twitter and instagram have made it hot! These are damn near household conversations. Just last week  a friend of mine tweeted that she didn’t go a day on twitter without seeing this stuff on her timeline. She wasn’t alone, my timeline mirrored the same. How about yours? I’ll tell you one thing, it wasn’t always like this. How did we get here? I’m not totally sure but I have an idea how.

I started high school in 2002. Music had a huge influence on all of us. Where I’m from hip hop was king. And with the culture being what it was it didn’t speak much about catering to a woman’s needs. This of course has changed some by now. But back then rappers weren’t talking about pleasing a woman. With that said, anyone who ever uttered a word about going down on a girl was shamed. It seemed a huge part of our culture didn’t support it so kids cracked on each other. If a kid had an acne problem and might’ve had a pimple close to their mouth it was a wrap. “Must’ve been eating that box” we might’ve said. Yes this is extremely juvenile but our pop culture backed us up. In hindsight, when you make a joke like that you tend to not look at the other side. The other side would mean that person was getting girls at least, right?

It’s hard to really pinpoint when I sensed a change.

But around maybe 2005 the climate seemed to change. Music seemed more content with going down on women. Hip hop at least wasn’t shaming the act hardcore like it once did. With that, people  felt more comfortable speaking about the act and doing the act. So now there’s an interesting dichotomy.

Continue reading about the latest sexual trend at

“It Looks Like A Bottle Of Febreeze” Groupie Claims August Alsina’s Penis Is So Big It Ruptured Her Cervix

July 23rd, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Groupie Claims August Alsina's Penis Is So Big It Ruptured Her Cervix


Rumor has it R&B singer August Alsina is packing. And while this may have some of you licking your lips, his equipment might present a hazard.

According to Hip Hop Wired, Alsina and a groupie met up in Virginia after one of his shows. She paid for her own plane ticket but August was kind enough to leave her tickets to the show and backstage passes. After the show he took her back to the hotel room and that’s when all hell broke loose and by hell I mean the walls of her vagina.

The groupie released a statement describing the ordeal. 

I admit I was the aggressor at first. We kissed hard and I practically ripped his clothes off literally.

He got into it and let me play rough with him. But when I took off his underwear LAWD JESUS I didn’t know d*kcs like that existed.

No lie MTO that thing has to be a foot long and thick. It looks like a bottle of Febreeze.

When I saw his thing I was like whoa, you’re going to have to go slow with that.

He did at first. It hurt at first. Then I started loving it. After a while he started going in real deep, he pumping me and putting all his weight behind it. It felt good until I felt a pop. Somehow his big d*ck hit something he shouldn’t.

I felt so much pain my legs started shaking.

I swear it must have happened to him before because he immediately stopped and started asking if I was OK. I told him I was, but I wasn’t because blood was dripping out of me and I couldn’t walk.

He had his security team drive me to the hospital and I was there for 4 days with a ruptured cervix. Doctors say that I lost so much blood that I could have died.

Now I’m considering suing August for my pain and suffering. He’s been cool about everything but I think I should be compensated for being injured like that. He should be more careful with that thing in his pants.

I don’t know about you all but I had a hard time reading that without laughing. Of course, I’m inclined to believe that this did not happen but when August sat down for an interview with “The Sana G Morning Show,” the crooner didn’t exactly deny these claims. Instead, he played coy flashing a mischievous grin and said, “I mean…it is what it is… No, I’m not getting sued.” 

Check out the video with August and let us know if you believe that this went down or not.

Hey Madame: When We Meet He Only Asks For Sex, Does He Love Me?

July 23rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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We receive a ton of Facebook messages from readers who have questions about life and love, and though we’ve allowed the boys to give out their fair share of advice on MN, we thought it was time readers here from us ladies. So, we bring you “Hey Madame,” our new advice column featuring each MadameNoire editors’ take on reader questions, giving you a wide range of perspectives on topics like you’d get from any good group of girlfriends. Read, enjoy, and if you have a question, email them to us at!

Does He Love Me?

Source: Shutterstock

Hey Madame,

I need your help. I think I love this man but when we meet he only asks for sex. Does this man love me?

Brande: No.

Jazmine: No, he made his intentions pretty clear up front and his actions have already done the talking. You’d be selling yourself short to move forward with him expecting anything other than that.

Lauren: His actions show he’s only interested in a physical relationship at the moment. If this is something you want, enjoy yourself. If not, it would be best not to engage in any sexual activity with him and even diminish communication. If you’re looking for love, pursue the activities that make you feel good about yourself and you’ll find the man who’s the right fit for you.

Veronica: I think the only person who could answer that is the man in question. But, if I had to make an educated guess, the fact that you said he only asks for sex leads me to say no. I have a question you should ask yourself and it might put the relationship into perspective, why do you feel comfortable asking a third party whether or not a man loves you more than the man himself? It seems like you don’t even trust him enough to make your feelings known or inquire about his. If he does love you, he’s not doing an excellent job of showing you.

Victoria: How long have you all been involved? If it hasn’t been long, I would say no, that man doesn’t love you. But if you met a while ago and he seems like a really good person and he treats you well, you never know– he could really care for you and just have a voracious sexual appetite. But if after sex or outside of the sex he barely calls, doesn’t treat you all that well and seems like a player, you’re dealing with a one-sided fling.

Sex After Pregnancy: A New Mother Still Has Her Needs

July 18th, 2014 - By Tanvier Peart
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Source: Corbis

Source: Corbis

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my pregnancy experience it’s that everyone has their own journey. It’s great to get pointers from other mothers on what to expect and how things will go, but in the end your body is going to do what your body will do. It’s been five months since I had my first child, a son, and, thankfully, I was able to remain active on the exercise front throughout the entire pregnancy, and give birth without meds after being in the hospital for seven hours.

Source: Corbis

Source: Corbis

The pregnancy and birthing experience was similar to what some of my girlfriends told me I could expect, but one area that didn’t pan out quite how I thought was my desire for sex. Now let me preface this by saying I don’t have the sex drive and sadly –  for my husband at least — did not experience the increased libido I’ve heard other pregnant ladies brag about. My husband and I had sex throughout the entire pregnancy but we weren’t hanging from chandeliers or anything — not that I could. What’s funny is how many sexual dreams I began to have after my pregnancy that made me feel like a teenager. “Why on Earth was I thinking about bumpin’ and grindin’ when I have a child?” I thought. “I just gave birth!”

Even though I was back in the gym within a few weeks of giving birth, I made the decision to wait the full six to eight weeks before I could open up my stairway to heaven below. Regardless of your pregnancy experience, if you delivered vaginally then you know how sore your lady part gets – and how long it feels sore. God bless my husband for being patient (what else could he do), but I surely did play double dutch with my emotions. One day I was ready to give sex a try only to take it back out of fear.

Source: Corbis

Source: Corbis

I’m not gonna lie, the first time after giving birth felt like the first time ever. I was awkward and very fearful that I was going to rip something – even though my stitches had already dissolved. After the second time I felt a bit silly. “What am I doing?” I said to myself. “No man part is going to break my sweet Nancy.” And then it dawned on me, I just gave birth, got my snatch back within three weeks and proudly joined the mother’s club. What do I have to be fearful of? If men think there’s something sexy about a pregnant woman then us ladies need to think there’s something even hotter about a mother who gave birth. Our bodies change, we get more curves, and we are now in charge of this little blessing of life.

From then on I started to think about myself in a new light – one with self-confidence and awareness. Damnit I looked good for being someone’s mother and didn’t need to wear a MILF t-shirt to show it. It was this confidence that made love making with my husband all the more special. I switched up my intimate apparel, made sure to stay fresh and ready by way of Vagisil’s Moisturizing Wash, and became this new woman around my husband. He was shocked when I would prance around him and give him a peep show once our son was sleep. Granted I didn’t do it all the time because we were both tired from waking up at night, but there was this vixen I felt needed to get out.

We had midday meetings where we didn’t make it to the bedroom and took each other in the hallway. If I heard a sensual song I would save it on my phone and add it to my “lovemaking soundtrack.” Child I even invented characters like Keisha from the South (random I know) who would twerk and ride if you know what I mean.

I reclaimed my sexual empowerment not because my husband was a good man and stuck it out, but because I deserved loving too. Our love life since the birth of our son has been wilder, more random and freakier than before. I see why Beyoncé made a grown woman’s album!


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#Surfbort: Help! I Broke My Boyfriend’s Pen*s

July 16th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By XoJane, For YourTango

One time, when I was 17, I broke my boyfriend’s pen*s.

We had been cooped up for days in his mother’s basement which had a kitchenette and a bathroom and a TV, so we saw no reason to leave. This was summer in East LA, so the sounds that floated in our window were of chickens and barking dogs and car alarms. One time, there was a foot chase that we watched cautiously out his bedroom window, the tottering, overweight policeman tripping down the ravine with his flashlight, the person he was chasing already lost in the dark.

In the midst of this, we were two quasi-intellectual weirdos, content to read poetry, eat peanut butter sandwiches, and screw each other’s brains out. Which is what we had been doing for a full 72 hours before I broke his pen*s.As to how it actually happened, I am still unclear. My experience was this: It was the middle of the night. I had taken my contacts out, so I was almost entirely blind. The room was dark.

Read more abot this incident at 

Exclusive: Writer Feminista Jones Talks Sex & Spirituality, Sex With A Bonnet & Her Love Of Erotic Asphyxiation

July 14th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Source: Twitter

This weekend we had the pleasure of attending Tribe Called Curl’s “Kinks Come Out At Night.” The Brooklyn event which discussed natural hair, sexuality and the intersection of the two featured a burlesque show, panel discussions, goodie bags, a natural hair expo, a musical performance and special presentations from a Bedroom Kandi representative.

During the evening, sex positive, feminist writer Feminista Jones hosted the event and spoke on a panel where everything from first sexual experiences to anal sex were discussed. Afterward, we spoke with Feminsta Jones about being comfortable in expressing her own sexuality, how she reconciles her spirituality and sexuality and her love of erotic asphyxiation.

MN: When would you say you felt comfortable with speaking about your sexuality and weren’t concerned with judgment? 

FJ: Since I was like an adolescent. My mom was very open and liberal. In the 1980′s my mom was a really big HIV/AIDS activist. She was very big in the LGBT community. So she was always very  openly talking about sex and sexual awareness and health and things like that. My mom was very liberal and she really raised me to be comfortable with who I am and to talk about those things. My dad was in the picture but a lot of times it was me and her and so we would have these conversations. And I’ve just always been curious. I’m an Aries and I’m an only child so I’ve always been really curious and exploring. “What’s this? What’s this? What’s that?” Never stopped. And I felt compelled as a black woman to talk about the sex that I felt like we were not allowed to talk about. Historically, our sex has been taken from us and robbed from us but we have a right to own it. So I feel like that’s my advocacy, my resistance, that’s my fighting against white supremacy, is just talking about sex.

MN: I heard you talk about Ramadan so how do you navigate your spirituality and your sexuality?

FJ: So I’m not officially a Muslim. My boyfriend is and I participate in Ramadan in solidarity with him. But I am looking towards reverting to Islam. I reconcile it in that my understanding of the faith is not based on a dogma and is not based on other people’s interpretation. I grew up in a Christian household and I grew up in the church, like literally Wednesdays, Sundays, twice Fridays whatever. And I left it because it just didn’t resonate with me anymore. I didn’t feel it in my spirit. I was just like “I’m not convicted. I’m not convicted” and I became interested in Islam a few years ago and I’ve been just kind of studying and I’m feeling more and more compelled. For me, it’s like this is who I am and I feel that I will be accepted as I am. And I don’t feel that I need to go with what “man” says because there’s a lot of oppression in that. I’m just going to be me. My boyfriend approves of it, he loves it the way I am and he celebrates me. The only thing that might change is that I might culturally wear a hijab or a veil or something like that, maybe a niqab just something to cover whatever but outside of that, not really. And I follow a lot of sex positive Muslim feminists on Twitter. They’re very open about these things too, so I’m learning a lot from them about on how to reconcile those things.

MN: Talk to me about the bonnet. I’ve heard far too many black men speak out against sleeping with or having sex with a woman who’s wearing a bonnet or scarf. 

FJ: It’s a reminder that you’re black. Honestly, I’ve seen enough of these conversations to know that a lot of these guys want girls that don’t need satin bonnets. In that they’re kind of saying I want a girl whose hair does not need to be wrapped up in that way. That shows an ignorance in the care for natural hair. They don’t really know what goes into it. A lot of them are used to dealing with girls who’ve had relaxers that maybe don’t really do that. Or they prefer women whose hair textures don’t really require that, although it benefits all women, still they kind of see it as a black girl thing. A lot of these young people, especially online, are trying to avoid black girl things. And I think it’s a rejection of that blackness part of us. That’s kind of what I see it’s tied to. And I just think you know, they’re dudes, fuck ‘em. I’m sorry. They’re going to pick on anything about us, they’re going to find some kind of way to complain about something that we do that doesn’t work for them. The guys that I know, don’t give a shit. I don’t know a man over thirty who actually has a job, has a real life, is an active member of the world who cares whether or not you have a bonnet on your head. Are you giving him head? Good. You can have whatever you want on your head. That’s how they feel.

MN: Let’s talk about trust. I know a lot of women are doing things they don’t necessarily feel comfortable doing just to satisfy their partner. Can you speak a little bit about the importance of really trusting someone and not doing anything you just don’t feel comfortable doing. 

FJ: I mean I think ultimately, it’s about you trusting yourself and your ability to make the right judgment calls when it comes to people. And if you trust yourself to make the right judgment calls, you’ll probably choose people with whom you feel extremely comfortable.

MN: Outside the bedroom?

FJ: Outside the bedroom, right. It’s always outside of the bedroom first. When you move into the bedroom, you have to trust yourself to communicate with somebody and you have to trust that person that what you say to them and what you express to them, however it is, is going to be received with respect, with care, with tenderness and it’s not going to be exploited. And I think unfortunately, unfortunately, many women are not taking the time to find out is this person going to exploit my body, my heart, my mind for their personal gain. You have to start there. And I think from there, once you establish that trust and once you feel like I’ve told you this about me and you responded in a way that makes me feel safe and protected, let’s try these other things.

MN: Talk to me about erotic asphyxiation. How did you first find out you were into that?

FJ: Actually a guy just kind of did it. It came out of nowhere. He was in the middle and he just wrapped his hand around my throat and was just like (makes a squeezing noise). And I was like “Oh, Daddy.” I don’t call men daddy anymore. But it really was one of those happenstance kind of things. It was something I guess he was into and just kind of slipped up and did it. And I realized then I like this, I like the way this feels. I like the control aspect of that. I like the losing of my breath. I like what it does to my body. So…yeah. That’s when I got into it. And then I would have partners that wouldn’t do it and I realized I was like “Ok…I mean this is ok.” But I realized it’s a thing for me. And so my current boyfriend, it took him a while to get comfortable because he was raised, you don’t put your hands on women, you don’t hurt them and things like that. But it was something that he’s always been into. And he finally [trusts] me, who makes him feel safe doing it and so now it happens all the time. It’s awesome.

MN: Why don’t you call men Daddy anymore?

FJ: That was just a one time…I was stupid when I was young. I have a really strong relationship with my own father who I call Daddy and I’m not really into the age play kind of thing. That’s a fetish for some people. I’m not into that. So I don’t call men daddy, they’re not my daddy. George is my Daddy. I’m still a Daddy’s girl.


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