All Articles Tagged "sex life"
You know certain foods turn up the heat, but did you know there are anti-aphrodisiac nibbles that can kill your libido, or at the very least lead to mediocre sex? Prep your kitchen for a great sex life, and stay away from these foods.
Try to look past the fact that this is Allen West – I know it’s hard – but let’s pretend we’re talking about a sane, upstanding black man here.
Gossip Extra has obtained a handwritten letter the well-known republican wrote to his wife in 2003 during his tour as an Army lieutenant colonel in Iraq. Parts of the letter are sweet, for instance at one point he tells his wife,” I miss you and cannot wait to see you,” and later he says that although he isn’t as physically attractive as the male actors in the movie “Soul Food” (which came out in 1997 by the way), he would try his hardest to always be “a clean cut, healthy and affectionate man!” Awww But then somewhere along the lines, Allen changes his tone just a tad and tries to go all sexay dominant on his wife, Angela, telling her he expects certain intimate acts when he returns to the United States that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”
He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”
Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my p*rn star?
“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
And he signs off: “Get ready!”
Note to self: Don’t ever write a nasty handwritten note than can one day be used against me should I become a public figure.
In some ways, Allen’s letter is no big deal. Lots of men never grow out of the p*rn star fantasy, expecting their wife to be able to p-pop on a handstand while slobbing his knob and cooking dinner all at the same dang time. Then on the other hand there’s this blatantly stated non-negotiable element to his “requests,” which are really just demands with question marks behind them, that makes this a little scary/odd/kinkily excitable (?)
I know the man was over in Iraq so there’s no telling what kind of lonely, freaky thoughts he had to distract himself with during his tour, but there’s something very 50 shades about his tone – except Christian Grey at least let it be known he was about the submissive BDSM life before ol’ girl got to deep (sorry if that’s a spoiler). If you want me to be bikini ready by the time your flight lands and have no ifs, ands, or buts, about your sexual requests, you’ve got to tell me that before we get married, like before you put a ring on it in 1989. It’s 2003 bruh. Depending on how wild some of his desires are/were, I imagine there might be some things that his wife wouldn’t be downright opposed to trying, but she might at least need time to ease into. I get the impression from his letter that there was no learning curve in his mind. Soon as he came home she better be ready to do it, and do it well. Owww.
But even though I said I know men never outgrow the whole p*rn star thing, why can’t getting my Pinky/Jada Fire/Superhead game on – ooops did I tell on myself – just be considered being sexually liberated or exploratory, why the I sleep with multiple men and women on camera everyday for money p*rn reference every time a woman doesn’t have bedroom hangups?
Reading this letter took me back to that relationships panel I went to this weekend when the therapist told women if they got their man freaky, they needed to remain freaky. And the one’s who hadn’t yet tapped into their inner freak better do so if they want to get or keep a man. Her exact words were, “Go to the sex shop. Rent movies. Be a ho.” Of course everyone laughed at this 50+ black woman clearly showing she’s a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, but I also kept thinking why do we use all these words with a negative connotation to encourage women to be sexually exploratory? Aren’t those the very words that stop most, or some, of us from going that hard in the sack in the first place? Her words took me back to Toni Braxton talking about dating again and saying she was tapping into her “inner ho.” All I could think was, “woman, you’re 40-plus, can’t you just get your grown woman on without making up alter ego excuses for what you’re doing in the bedroom?” That doesn’t sound too liberated to me. At the end of the day, maybe it’s all semantics and I just prefer private dancer over p*rn star, but I’m going to need the expectations of my sex game to be negotiable and presented to me in a non-adult movie type way, pre-wifery, in order for me to get all the way on board — and for those requests to be made in person.
What do you think about Allen’s letter? Does it bother you that women being comfortable with their sexuality is always likened to being a ho or adult video star?
*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.
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We have sex for many reasons, not all of them physical. But it’s that mysterious build up and subsequent release of tension known as an orgasm that keeps us coming back for more and more sex with our partner.
To make the sex you’re having better, hotter and consistently more orgasmic, you need to pay more attention to 4-play and communication – and you need to learn how to take the lead.
Here are six reasons why you’re not having mind-blowing sex tonight — and every night— and what you can do to fix it:
Read more at YourTango
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The sexless marriage is much maligned in our culture. Most of us, including a lot of mental health professionals, view a sexless marriage as a bad marriage. But when you think about it, things that make us want to have sex are often not the same things we want in a long-term partner. For a lot of us, unpredictability, passion, spontaneity, and even conflict can be Hot. However, in a long-term partner, we seek reliability, stability, safety, and trust (doesn’t knowing that someone will remember to take out the recycling every week just make you want to rip your clothes off?). In a wonderful book called Mating in Captivity, psychoanalyst Esther Perel argues there are good reasons why sex drops off in long-term partnerships, even good ones. In fact, these relationships are often quite stable and the partners extremely connected. Perel argues that desire and lust are borne out of distance and difference. We feel there is some space between us and another person and we long to physically unite. Feeling very connected and similar to someone doesn’t stir up that desire.
This brings up the issue of limerence, the early stage of relationships in which our brain chemistry sustains feelings of passion and desire that lead us to pursue the object of that desire and block out almost everything else. Though it certainly can be exhilarating, limerence is not sustainable. Eventually we settle back into normal life and things come back into focus. Yes, our partner may still be Hot, but we’ve smelled him after the gym, seen him whine like a toddler when he gets the flu, and the fact is the garbage needs to go out, the taxes need to be done, and sometimes it just sounds more appealing to curl up together with a good book.
Even when we do motivate to have sex, it takes a lot more effort. During limerence, everything just seems to fall into place. It’s spontaneous, we’re usually able to get ready for sex relatively fast, everybody’s parts work right, we climax at the right times, and everyone ends up feeling pretty darn satisfied. But once our brains go from lust mode into attachment and stability mode, it can be a lot harder to maintain a level of desire for sex, and a lot harder to make everything fall into place. We crave novelty, and novelty takes work when you’re having sex for the 4,763rd time. Like everything else in a relationship, sex takes a lot more effort after limerence ends.
So should we just throw in the towel after a year or two and settle into a sexless routine of connectedness without passion? Not necessarily. There are ways to keep passion alive, but the most important way to feel good about one’s relationship and one’s sex life after limerence is to know what to expect. I find so many folks look back on their early days together and conclude their relationship must be broken now. We don’t talk about our relationship challenges, and certainly not our sexual challenges. We look to television and movies and see a billion portrayals of that early relationship high where the sex goes way too smoothly (even for real-life limerence), and life seems to boil down to wanting that one special person. We never see portrayals of folks later in their relationships because things like sharing a good laugh when your kids do something funny, being there when your partner’s boss is driving them nuts, or enjoying the perfect torte together are just not, well…Hot. When we do see portrayals of marriage and long-term relationships they are caricatures of fat, balding men with their eyes glued to some sports event ignoring their nagging, jaded, overly responsible wives. That doesn’t give us a lot to work with.
The fact is, it’s possible to find a balance where passion and great sex can live side by side with a stable, deep connection. To find that balance we have to accept that it’s not going to be easy, be willing to work at it, and understand the issues involved. Sometimes closeness can actually backfire. Sometimes we need just the right amount of distance to keep some sparks alive. Having our own hobbies, friends, interests, and taking time apart can bring some of that mystery back, and make us once again long to bridge the physical and emotional divide between us and our lover. Sometimes we have to actively focus on our differences, not in a way that breeds conflict, but mystery and interest.
Once we are at the point where we feel that renewed desire for sex, our expectations for the sex have to change, especially if the sex is with a woman. While many men feel ready for sex quickly, even after limerence is over, women frequently need a lot more time to “simmer” before they are really in the mood. 4-play becomes key here, but even before that, anything that keeps sex in the forefront of one’s mind can help. An open mind and willingness to experiment is crucial here: Sexting, watching Adult Videos, reading erotica, and sending Hot pictures to each other are all ways to stay/get in the mood. The sex itself also needs to be novel. The same old techniques are not going to work year after year, especially for women, but for many men too.
These are the times to try role play, anal play, spanking, blindfolds, restraints, videotaping, and anything you’ve fantasized about but never tried. For example, try creating a Tumblr account where you and your partner can discuss and even play out fantasies as strangers would on the Internet. Send each other pictures and videos. Say all the things you’d be embarrassed to say in person. Eventually, you may be comfortable bringing some of those things into the bedroom. For some couples, bringing other folks into their relationship can even work to insert some distance and restore passion.
The key is expecting that seeking out new sexual adventures together is going to be a lifelong process. If we go into relationships expecting to do that work, we can feel a sense of satisfaction when we are able to keep that passion alive, instead of blaming ourselves or our partners when everything doesn’t easily fall into place.
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Your relationship is fine. You’re not getting into massive arguments. You’re happy to be around each other. You look forward to seeing each other. You do find your partner attractive. But you’ve stopped having sex. Or, you’ve stopped having it nearly as much as you used to. But sex is an integral part of feeling intimate with someone: it’s what differentiates your partner from just your friend. And if you let a sex drought go on for too long, you could be headed for the end. But it can be an easy fix if you can identify the problem.
In the day of celebrities like Halle Berry wanting President Obama to crack down on the way paparazzi is allowed to invade their lives, it always amazes me how many entertainers feel the need to divulge one of the most private aspects of their lives: who they’re sleeping with—or not.
I thought about this odd coming out of sorts looking at Teyana Taylor’s remake of Janet Jackson’s iconic Rolling Stone cover today. The photo shoot, shot by Lance Gross, has garnered mixed reactions for a lot of reasons. Some are wondering why she even messed with Janet’s ‘90s masterpiece, others are curious why she sexed the image up even more than it was originally with her red lips, garter belts, and the see-thru stockings attached to her cut-offs (not to mention those breast tattoos), and still others are curious how this type of end-product comes from a virgin of all people. Had she never made her sexual lifestyle public knowledge, she could have nixed at least one of those concerns, but unfortunately like many other famous people she assumed that was knowledge the public wanted and needed to know.
I don’t think celebrities like Teyana should hide their virginal status out of shame, but I don’t get what they’re trying to prove by announcing it. The bottom line is it’s no one’s business and frankly no one really cares until situations that appear to contradict that lifestyle choice come into play. Unlike Meagan Good’s argument that one can still be swexy and a Christian, Teyana, a 21-year-old woman who claims to not engage in sex at all is selling that straight up and down from this Janet-esque photo to her racy Black Men’s mag cover, and a whole lot more in between. I know the dichotomy of a woman who’s a lady in the street and a freak in the bed is supposedly every man’s ideal, but she’s working that fantasy from the complete opposite angle and it’s hard to decipher what her true image is, let alone her real persona.
The other issue is proclaiming to be a virgin puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on entertainers. There aren’t too many old-heads, if any, stepping into the spotlight claiming they’ve never gotten it in. It’s the fresh-faced 16- to 20-year-olds who are new on the scene that somehow get roped into answering questions that aren’t the public’s business anyway and who later have to recant those statements or unnecessarily explain themselves even more. Brittney Spears I’m looking at you. Or take Jordin Sparks for example. When we first met her, she boasted about a purity promise ring she wore since she was a young teenager but when people found out she was dating Jason Derulo, naturally they started to wonder if she might be trading in that promise ring for a nuva ring. In an interview with Hoda Kotb that got further in her sheets than Jason likely had at the time, Jordin gave an update of sorts on her celibacy stance and said of the ring:
“You know what, I switch it from day to day — I don’t wear it exactly everyday anymore, but I always have something there. When I was 13 my mom spoke to me about purity and waiting for marriage and different things like that. And, you know, at the time I was like, ‘Sure that’s great,’ but I can’t say what’s gonna happen a couple of months from now. People grow.”
Jordin is absolutely right about people growing but unfortunately once that virgin image is planted in people’s minds, it’s hard to undo. Should she end up having sex before marriage and announcing that to the tabloids, the backlash will no doubt ensue. No one will care that she’s now a mid-20-something-year-old woman, there will be questions of why she didn’t hold out or what type of example she’s setting by going back on her promise, or uncomfortable inquiries into her new bedroom life, much like the case was with Brittney Spears. There will be an invasive line of questioning that could have been avoided altogether by allowing that personal information to remain what it is—personal.
Even thinking of Lolo Jones who has been vocal about how difficult it is to find a man because she’s been so open about being a virgin seems to forget that she brought that struggle on herself. I truly don’t think it’s the fact that she’s a virgin that’s the problem. It’s the spectacle surrounding her virginity that is likely off-putting and intimidating to potential suitors. For some, being a virgin takes on a deep, spiritual meaning; for others it’s a means to avoid heartbreak, unwanted pregnancies, and STDS. Whatever the reason, it’s a state of being just like being sexually active is and there’s no reason for all the pomp and circumstance around it, especially if you aren’t proclaiming yourself to be a role model for others to follow. If that were the case, it would be understandable to be vocal about it, but when your virginity is the only thing that keeps you relevant in a way, it’s awkward, and again, unnecessary.
The thing is, once these celebrities go on record about their sex lives, it follows them for as long as they have the public’s interest, which could be anywhere from 15 minutes to 15 years. In the same way that other sexually active celebs use sex to sell records, the lack of sex begins to define these entertainer’s careers as well and something so personal as their non-existent sex lives becomes the news hook on which their relevance hangs. It’s rare that celebs succeed in keeping their private lives totally private but one thing they can count on is no one knowing for sure is who is or isn’t in their bed (unless they’re Kim Kardashian, Ray J, Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, or Paris Hilton). Perhaps in the same way vocal virgins are naïve to the world of sex, they’re also oblivious to the American obsession with who’s having it and who isn’t and they don’t realize the image they’re forming when they speak on their sexuality. I’m not particularly keen on sexually active celebs giving the rundown on their bedroom booming either, but my advice to virgins in the spotlight would be when it comes to their sex lives, keep their mouths like their legs: closed.
What do you think about celebrities declaring that their virgins? Should they share that with the world or keep it private?
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