All Articles Tagged "sex and monogamy"

The Mating Game: Has Monogamy Become Abnormal And A Thing Of The Past?

June 29th, 2013 - By Brooke Dean
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I love watching the NBA Draft. While some women couldn’t care less who the new up and coming super stars of the NBA are, I’m always thrilled to watch young men go up on stage and receive their new team jerseys with their names embroidered on the back. I’m even more thrilled to see their proud parents, girlfriends and for some, their children, applaud in excitement to see a young man fulfilling his dreams.

During their first two seasons or so, I watch to see which one of these young men learn the lessons of those who came before them: are they managing their newly acquired fame and money well? Did they marry their college or high school sweethearts, or are they wisely waiting until they’re a bit more mature and ready and have been in the league for a while? After all, if they weren’t used to it before, then all the new and fierce competition from women (gold-diggers) vying for their attention will have their heads spinning.

However, many men feel that having a wife grounds them or, at the very least, makes them look good. Whether having someone to display as eye candy or someone to actually hold them down, many men get married too soon for the wrong reasons or before they’re ready to settle down. Some get married knowing they don’t plan on staying faithful, which begs the question: If you’re going to cheat, why get married?

Now to be fair, not every person who cheats sets out to cheat. I’m sure a good number of folks who get married are completely in love and believe in forever-after with that one special person. But then things happen – boredom, complacency, children, finances, or whatever – and it takes a toll on a relationship. Some people cheat because they’re lacking something in their relationship. Some do it because they want to feel desired, challenged or simply because they want sexual variety. None of these are justifiable excuses, but simply a reason for infidelity.

But there are those who know they can’t be faithful, yet get married or find themselves in committed relationships anyway. The celebrities might be in a worse situation because most know that with money and power come greater temptation. If they’ve mastered their field – whether it be entertainment or something else that’s allowed them to gain major recognition – their level of arrogance and the desire to have it all presupposes that getting caught or suffering consequences isn’t high on their radar. Celebs and athletes are used to winning.

Then someone gets hurt.

What’s next is shelling out millions of dollars to make her stay, or pay out more to keep the rest quiet…allegedly.

So is it worth it? Why get married? That’s the question. Or better yet, the REAL question could be, “Is monogamy normal?”

There is nothing that tells us that we need to get married. There’s no crime in being single even though some would treat it that way. Are we still expected to get married? Is that what society tells us we should do?

I mean, if your religion tells you you should get married in order to have sex or gain favor with God, maybe that’s one thing. If so, then adultery likely falls into the “what not to do” category unless your beliefs tell you polygamy is cool. But for most, adultery is a sin and you’re supposed to be stronger than nature and fight the temptations of the flesh.

But for those who may not be religious, and who believe that monogamy isn’t natural, why do those people get married? Why form permanent relationships, or label them that way? I know some guys who always have a “girlfriend.” They can’t wait to introduce you to “wifey.” Yet, they always cheat on their girlfriends and have a girl on the side. Why have a girlfriend? Why not just date multiple women?

Most of them say they love their “girl” but just have the other women for sex.  These men would throw themselves in front of bus if their main chick or wife ever found out about their cheating ways but they do it anyway. It’s something I will probably never understand.

If you believe that monogamy isn’t natural, don’t be selfish by having someone believe you’re in a committed relationship. There is nothing wrong with not having to answer to anyone. There’s nothing wrong with going out, spotting someone you want to hook up with for the night, have non-committal sex and keep it moving. When you’re single, you can keep your options open, change your mind, find a new flavor of the week and avoid the emotional turmoil of breaking someone’s heart. If you have substantial assets to protect, remaining single could help you avoid the financial devastation of having to pay to keep her…or lose her. If you’re a person who doesn’t believe in monogamy, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But some people do.

Just like there’s nothing wrong with NOT believing in monogamy, there are a bunch of people who like the security of monogamy – especially when there are incurable diseases out there that can kill you.

Some say married people are happier, healthier and wealthier. Some like the emotional and physical intimacy that comes with monogamous relationships. They like the warm fuzzy feeling they get from knowing someone who loves them is at home waiting for them to come through the door. They like having someone to call when they need someone to talk to, to cuddle with, or to just be there. It’s a high level of commitment that forms a family of two – or more should you decide to have children.

If you find that you’re with a person who believes in those things, then the expectation is that you believe in those things too if you’re together. So if you don’t believe in being faithful – or you do but know in your heart that you can’t live up to that expectation – be honest with the other person. It’s one thing if you falter and make a mistake – these things do “happen.” But if you get into a relationship knowing you can’t be faithful, even when your partner expects you to, set that person free to be with someone who CAN be faithful. It’s the most loving, selfless thing you can do.

Society tells us we should be “coupled up,” live our lives in “pairs.” That’s not always true. Some thrive as a team while others do best solo. We shouldn’t force anyone into relationships nor should we feel forced into one or made to feel lonely if we aren’t in one. Love can still exist in our lives, even individually, unmarried. The key is being honest…with yourself and with those who you bring into your life.

Trust me, it won’t be hard to find someone out there who’s cool with just hooking up…especially if you were just drafted into the NBA.

Ladies, You’re Not Off the Hook! 9 Mistakes That Women Make in Bed

December 29th, 2012 - By Brooke Dean
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Not too long ago, we posted an article on the most common mistakes men make in bed. Well guess what, ladies It’s YOUR turn. You didn’t think you were getting off free and clear did you? Sure, Madamenoire.com is geared towards women but that doesn’t mean we can’t check ourselves every once in a while – especially when it comes to sex. While I’m sure a lot of my sistas are holding in down in the bedroom, there could be a few things we probably need to address. Men often say that it is hard (no pun intended) to have bad sex but ladies, please don’t pat your collective selves on the back. We have work to do! Let’s explore these common female frisky faux pas.