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I’ve been a big fan of Cosmopolitan since I started taking them out of my older sister’s room and letting their kinky sex advice take my imagination places it had no business going as a teen (but I was just reading, not participating in any X-rated activity if you were wondering). But once I got older and really wanted to get the low down on getting down, I found that some of the magazine’s sex advice was a little random. And when I would try their tips, I would often get sent off while attempting to arouse my partner and search for the male G-spot (ME: “Does that feel good?” DUDE: Uh…not really, I can’t feel anything actually.”). All in all, I still love the magazine (especially for their more serious stories) and don’t mind reading the sex advice, but now I just skim over and take them all with a grain of salt (hey, you have to do that with some of our love advice pieces too)…especially after reading these nine very non-arousing forms of 4play and fun in the sack.

*NOTE: Because of censorship stuff with WordPress, certain sexual words and references had to be changed.

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You may think it’s harmless. You may think he doesn’t notice. You may think if he really likes you, he’ll think it’s cute. Nuh-uh. Even if he loves you for your personality, he doesn’t have sex with your personality. It’s time to get real about getting physical. Here are 14 surprising ways you’re turning your man off.

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It’s perfectly fine to tell your boyfriend he’s a bad communicator, or that he needs to surprise you more. But for some reason, when it comes to the bedroom, asking for a little adjustment can prompt World War III. Or worse, a major drought. But if you’re not sexually satisfied in your relationship, you’ll begin to feel an emotional drift. So how do you talk your sex-ually shy partner into spicing things up, without offending or terrifying him?

Kenyetta: How you tell your husband he is not pleasing you sexually?

Damon: State what you like/need, and suggest that he makes a greater effort in trying to do that. The key is to express that idea without trying to shame and/or embarrass him in the process. If you do this in an honest and reasonable way—and if he genuinely cares about you and the relationship—he should listen. (The bigger question is how does a couple get all the way to a marriage without being able to clearly communicate their sexual needs to each other?)

Ebb: How can a female go about asking a guy for just a sexual relationship without sounding like a hoe?

Damon: Easy. Just tell the guy that you want a no-strings attached relationship, and if he thinks you’re a “ho” for that, he’s obviously not the type of guy you need to be dealing with, anyway.
(Now, do no-strings attached type relationships actually work in the long run? Hmmm. That’s another question for another day)

Lechia: How can you handle your boyfriend of 5 years and the father of your child and one on the way having a baby by someone else?

Damon: Get tested for every STD known to man, leave immediately, wait six months, and get tested again.

Carol: Is it a good idea for an unmarried couple with no kids and not living together to be business partners?

Damon: No. What happens to the business if you break up? Also, even if you don’t break up, you run the risk of letting your business dynamic interfere with your relationship (and vice versa). If you were married, maybe my advice would be different, but from all angles “unmarried couple staring a business together” = “bad idea.”

Lydia: How can u tell your husband you’re not into sex like that(Adult Videos star type) lmao serious question?

Damon: What is “adult video star sex?”
Also, I don’t mean to be a package, but how did you be with someone long enough to marry them without knowing each others’ sexual likes and dislikes? I get these types of questions frequently, and I’m curious to know how that happens.

Lydia: I been with him for a while just didn’t mess around I’m a women of God and believed on waiting! That I did…

Damon: Ok. I definitely understand that. Well, I guess my next question would be what exactly do you mean by “Adult Videos star sex?”

Lydia: Adult Videos sex is everyday all day long hit it from the back and all that… I love sex but not every day I am a mother and I go to 2 schools. I don’t be feeling like having sex every day.

Damon: Moms can’t take it from the back? Learn something new everyday. Anyway, just tell him what you’re telling me. Not so much about the kids and school and all that, but that you really enjoy sex with him, but you may not be in the mood to do it every single day. Plus, when the, um, lovin’ is intense enough, you might need a day or two to heal, anyway. Remind him that consistent and persistent rabbit-banging has the potential of leaving you too raw/sore down there to enjoy it.

Blessings: I have a bed buddy that’s been acting like a boyfriend lately. Inquiring of my whereabouts and wanting to spend more time together. But he still hasn’t come out and asked to be exclusive. I may be open to it, if we discussed. I don’t want to initiate the conversation for sake of losing the benefits. Any advice?

Damon: This is a sticky situation (pun intended). There’s a chance that his change in behavior has nothing to do with him wanting someone more serious. Sometimes, we (men and women) just get a bit more possessive when sleeping with someone. Doesn’t always mean that person wants the relationship to go to another level, though. And, to be honest, I think if he wanted that bad enough, he’d just say it.
I still think you should have the conversation, though. Don’t come at it from a “So, do you want to be Facebook official now?” angle—since you’re not even sure that’s what you want. Instead, a “So, I noticed you’ve been kinda stalking me lately. What’s up with that?” angle gives you both the opportunity to clarify things without asking a leading question.

Michaela: What’s the best way to handle conflicts w/ a guy who is ‘no-confrontational’, or hates to argue?

Damon: Remind him that passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t actually get anything done. If anything, it makes things worse because minor issues continue to fester until they become major issues.
Also, you do have to ask yourself if some of the stuff you think is argue-worthy isn’t argue-worthy at all.

Sistar: When should kids be introduced? What’s an appropriate amount of dating time?

Damon: I don’t believe in arbitrary set times. In situations like this, the best thing to do is wait until you’re actually convinced that this person will be in your life for an extended period of time.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

From Alternet.org

Five years ago, sex columnist Dan Savage suggested that, when it comes to sex, we should all aim to be GGG (“good, giving, and game … Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure’ and ‘game for anything – within reason’”). Long embraced by his readers, the GGG approach now has support from a new scientific study published in the Journal of Sex Research.

Of course, we’ve known for years that technique (for example, clit0ral stimulation for women, incorporating certain sexual behaviors for either sex) matters to couples. And certainly inequitable pleasure is never a good thing, even though it persists (as I discussed in last week’s column, research shows that women are particularly prone to getting shafted in the orgasm department during hookup sex).

What this new study from researchers at the University of Arizona and Hanover College adds, at least from my perspective, is the additional layer of understanding of how being “game for anything – within reason” contributes to intimacy and satisfaction.

To be fair, the researchers didn’t actually examine the GGG phenomenon. They didn’t use the term “GGG,” nor did they use the phrase “game for anything” anywhere in their research paper. Rather, they studied what they call “sexual transformations” – sexual changes that people make for the sake of their partner or their relationship. But as a scientist myself, I’m going to go out on a limb and pronounce the term “sexual transformations” to be the nerdier first cousin to the slightly cooler third G in the trifecta: “being game for anything – within reason.”

In examining sexual transformations, the researchers recruited 96 couples (all male-female) and asked them questions about changes they had made for their partner in terms of how often they have sex, the kinds of sexual activities they engage in, communicating about sex and intimacy. They also asked participants how they felt about these changes and how often they engaged in affectionate behaviors with each other, such as hugging, cuddling and kissing.

So what did they find? Interestingly enough, participants’ own sexual transformations weren’t linked to their relationship satisfaction. In other words, being game yourself wasn’t the key to your own satisfaction. Rather, women and men reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction when their partners said they’d made more “sexual transformations” (when their partners had been game for more- or less-frequent sex, trying new sexual activities, etc). I’m going to guess that, at least in part, this may be because when one’s partner adapts to your needs, you’re likely to feel heard, special, rewarded, valued, or – at the very least — you get to do the things you want to do, sexually.

Feelings about sexual transformations mattered, too. Men and women who felt more positive about the sexual changes they made generally reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction. To me, this aspect of people’s feelings about their changes goes back to being game – after all, being “game” for switching up one’s sex life isn’t about begrudgingly going down on someone or role-playing with a bored look on one’s face. Being game is about being willing to give something a whirl, and happily so. It’s about bringing your A-game to bed, about not knowing how you’ll end up feeling about it but being willing to give it your best shot, with an open mind and heart.

The researchers also found that women and men in the study who reported engaging in more intimate behaviors – that is, warm, tingly stuff like hugs, kisses, cuddles and massages – reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction. This lines up well with other recent research that has found kissing, cuddling and touching to be linked with sexual satisfaction.

The bottom line seems to be that there’s much to be gained when it comes to sex if one keeps an open mind, is willing to try new sexual things for a partner, and if a couple can express their affection with each other. The authors note, too, that even small changes may ultimately help to enhance a couple’s relationship.

That said, this study painted with pretty broad brush strokes, which means the results are mere hints at the bigger picture. That’s not a bad thing; it’s exactly what scientists need to do when they’re first looking into a new-ish area of study. Now that the big questions have been asked — for example, about about how often partners have sex or the types of sexual activities they engage in — there are more precise clues for future scientists who want to work in this area.

After all, there’s not just one way to change sexual frequency. One can have sex more often to please a partner. Or, the one who wants sex more often can decide to initiate sex less often than they’d like so that their partner feels less pressured. I can imagine situations in which either change could enhance a couple’s relationship.

Having worked as a sex researcher, educator, columnist and author for more than a decade, I’ve also heard from my fair share of women and men who say it’s not about overall frequency, but a mix of frequency and timing. Some people make changes to how often they initiate or respond to sexual advances at specific times of the day, such as at night versus in the morning. One couple I know found a nice balance when they saved much of their sex for the weekends, when they had more energy and were more often relaxed than during the work week. A willingness to be flexible about the way sex happens, including the when, how, where and how often, can matter greatly to a couple’s happiness.

Then there are sexual activities. We don’t know from this study, but it may be that people are more or less likely to be flexible about certain sexual activities. Or that openness to certain activities matters more than it does to others. Consider 0-ral sex, which, according to my Indiana University team’s research and that of others, most sexually active adults have tried. And yet, I often hear from people who have a partner who won’t go down on them. I also hear from people who have a partner who wants very much to go down on them, but they themselves aren’t into receiving. An openness to performing or receiving 0-ral sex could be a lovely thing for those who want it. Similarly, an openness to not engaging in 0-ral sex – and perhaps instead to doing something else together (for example, using sex toys together, opting for hand stimulation, intercourse or cuddling on the sofa) – can be a lovely thing for others.

The present study also didn’t report on other ways that people in relationships make sexual transformations. A growing body of research I’ve seen at scientific meetings explores how some monogamous couples, over time, change the “rules” of their relationship, opening it up. Some allow for their partner to kiss or make out with others. Other couples opt for threesomes or visits to sex parties together. And some develop a comfort level with themselves or their partner having full-on relationships with other women or men.

Here’s the thing: As with movies, drinks and food, it’s common for people in relationships to have different preferences. One person likes beer and the other digs wine. One likes action flicks and the other favors anything starring Audrey Tautou. One likes vanilla intercourse and the other wants to hold a vibrator to their partner’s clitoris while she’s upside down in wheelbarrow, wearing a pirate costume.

Nearly all couples have different wants and needs, likes and dislikes, when it comes to sex. And that’s OK. Very few couples line up exactly in terms of how often they want to have sex, the positions they want to twist their bodies into, how long they want to spend from kissing to falling asleep, and the types of sex they want to engage in. What matters is how couples fill in those gaps — how they make changes for each other, how they feel about and approach the ways they’re willing to bend, and how they stay connected through affection. It’s all OK – or at least it can be, if you and your partner are willing to take a cue from Dan (and now from scientists) and give the third G an honest shot.

More on Madame Noire!

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• Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Kim K. Pulls High Profile Men Despite Her Sexual Past

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