All Articles Tagged "settling"
Ever so often, my mom, my older sister, and myself find ourselves in the midst of hilarious debates about how differently my sister and I approach men and dating. While my sister prefers the guy with the Abercrombie & Fitch abs, the Colgate smile and the Michael Ealy eyes, I’d much rather get to know the guy with substance and an amazing personality, who doesn’t mind dissecting Bible scriptures for deeper meaning or discussing Harlem Renaissance literature with me (even if he has a few less points in the attractive department).
During our most recent debate, my mother dramatically shook her head as I eagerly reached over our table at Red Lobster to show my sister a photo of a former professor, whom I’d been totally enamored with since our first day of classes. My sister’s eyes grew wide as she rested them on the photo depicting a 30-something male with 1960′s-thick Coke bottle glasses and an afro unruly enough to make Questlove wince.
“My grandkids are doomed,” my mother joked.
“Yeah Jaz, we’re going to have to approve anybody you date from this day forward,” my sister added.
I went into my usual spiel about being way more interested in a guy’s personality and the way that he treats me than what he looks like physically (and they of course yawned as usual). This isn’t to say that I’m not interested in the outward appearance at all, because I am. It just means that the little details that define who a man is are more important than the physical attributes that define what he looks like.
“You know Jaz, dating guys that look like Mookie from Do The Right Thing doesn’t guarantee that your heart won’t get broken,” my mother inerjected in a half-serious, half-joking tone.
“That’s right sister, the ugly ones act up too,” my sister added.
I knew where they were going with this one. You see, there was a time in my life where I wasn’t always like this. Physical appearance played at least 70 percent of the part in my choices when it came to the guys that I dated. I always had to date the bad boy or the fly boy or the class clown. You know, the guy who was the center of attention, because more likely than not, he was exciting and came with tons of drama. I lived for drama, especially in my relationships. I mean, I was not content unless my relationship could easily transfer into a ’90s R&B jam or some soap opera. Then, one day, I got my heart broken for real and all of that changed. I found myself in the middle of a real life soap opera and I didn’t like it one bit. There were women calling my phone. I was stumbling across tasteless photos of scantily clad and sometimes even nude women. Then of course, there was my panic-filled trip to my gynecologist for random STD testing because my imagination had convinced me that my philandering man had passed some incurable disease on to me. Thankfully, I recognized the dysfunction and took note of all of the unnecessary drama I was bringing on myself.
Not long after this revelation, I took a rather long dating hiatus, during which I focused on my wants, needs, goals, things I want and need to change about myself, and even the qualities that I desire in a potential mate. In a nutshell, my preferences in men changed drastically. I certainly don’t believe that I’m taking a safer route by dating the nice guy, it’s just that my priorities have shifted and dating an Adonis is no longer at the top of my list. Although I can understand both sides of this debate, hopefully the women in my life will eventually understand that my shift in attitude is not some strange attempt to guard my heart. I’ve simply grown up, and what’s on the outside isn’t as important to me anymore as what’s on the inside.
Would you say that dating the nice guy is a form of settling out of fear?
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise.
I feel like I need to be more clear when I say that I don’t meet any guys. That’s not true.
I meet nice guys all of the time. I just haven’t met anyone that I’ve connected with yet. I’m not super picky and I’m realistic. I don’t have an obscenely long list of criteria for a mate. I don’t think I’m being ridiculous for waiting to meet someone that I won’t have to fake smile at every day after I realize I don’t really want to be around them.
I know this can sound heartless, but being a nice guy is not enough. I’ve heard my guy friends talk about how a girl is beautiful, smart, driven, great in the kitchen, amazing in bed, adores him and all that good stuff…but they still don’t choose to continue a relationship with her because there is nothing more there. Now I understand that certain situations like that are a little deeper than we are going to discuss here, but why can’t we feel the same? Why can’t we want more than just finding someone who is bearable? Why do we have to settle?
I’ve had a guy go ballistic on me because I told him that I didn’t want to date him anymore and that we had zero chemistry. I put it in nicer words, of course, but he wasn’t trying to hear it. I got called ungrateful and a couple other really not-nice things (only confirming that I made the right decision and ultimately disqualifying him from the “nice guy” category). What really annoyed me was when he listed all of his highly desirable qualities *insert sarcasm* and said I did not know how to appreciate a good man.
Hold on. I could tell that things were not going anywhere on my end, so I thought I was doing the mature thing by ending things early instead of dragging him along while I tried to force feelings I was never going to have. By doing that, I felt I was acknowledging that he was a great guy and I respected him enough not to waste his time. But no. Just because he is a nice guy, I’m supposed to force the situation? I think not. Neither of us would have been happy.
There is a connection I want to have with someone if I plan on making a lifetime commitment to them. I find nothing wrong with waiting for something with more substance than an impressive list of credentials and some manners. Sometimes you have to be honest and let him know: I’m glad that you are a “nice guy” and I am sure that you will make some woman out there very happy someday. But you are not the one for me.
Do you think I am being unreasonable? Do you care about having a deeper connection with someone or are the basics enough?
Jarell Greene/DJ CEO (@djceo) has become synonymous with style and grace fostering a unique and unforgettable musical experience second to none on the New York party scene. His other interests include anything sports related and collecting gaming systems. The thing that attracted him to his girlfriend was her intelligence, sense of humor, fashion sense and her love of music.
Just like any other man I have many flaws. What I find interesting about flaws though is, depending on the context, they aren’t considered flaws. For instance, common sense isn’t normally a flaw, but when it comes to love it can be. Nothing about love is ordinary. In fact all of it is extraordinary. There lies my flaw. I apply common sense to everything and that depicts me as a cold emotionless man, which in all honesty isn’t true.
Maybe it’s because I’m an Aquarius or maybe it’s something learned from my dad who raised me. I’m a problem solver. If I’m not happy or something isn’t right I don’t cry about it, I figure out a way to fix it. The initial response for most women is an emotional one. They cry or yell and then want what has gotten them to this state of disarray fixed. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Both. But as a man, it is my duty to comfort my woman to let her know it’s going to work out and we are in this together and sometimes that means I have to be emotional.
Both men and women should know one important thing. Just because someone is a good man/woman, it doesn’t mean they are good for you. I think woman, far more than men, are quick to settle with a good man than a man is to settle with a good woman. I know I’m picky for a few reasons: 1) I have far more options to choose from. 2) I’m not easy to be with. 3) At my age, marriage is always in the question and forever is a mighty long time. Like that new Volkswagon commercial says “Choose Your Passengers Wisely”. In my experience, women have been far more focused on the idea of a relationship/marriage than picking the right traveling partner for them. That turns me off because then I don’t feel like it’s about me or us, it’s about the sentence.
Allow me to venture into a field of study I didn’t do to well in at school, math. When you create a mathematical sentence, for example 7 + x = 10, only one number — x– can give you that desired result. But if your mathematical sentence looks like this. n + x = 17.5, your variable can be anything to get to that result. Most folks would like to believe they follow the first example but I would stand to say most people, including myself, follow the latter, especially women.
I’m a man who was raised by a man and woman together but learned how to be a man from a man. I know what my role and responsibilities are, but this isn’t the ’60s; it’s 2013. I want to be able to take care of my woman; however, I don’t want to have to take care of her due to her own comfort in being taken care of. I need a woman that can take care of herself and us if need be. If I get extremely ill, I need to know my woman can hold us down financially, spiritually, and emotionally. However, the best case scenario would be she’ll never have to take care of us because I will be doing it, not because I have to, but because I want to. I’m a man and I want to be a man to my woman — a protector, provider, and lover. The only time I want to be a super hero is when you need saving, not want saving. We’re partners, let’s fly together!
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The fear of being alone, rushing into a relationship, and low self-esteem can all lead to settling. For some women, having a guy that is second best is better than having no guy at all. But, if you’re lowering your standards just to not be single or to boost your ego, now’s the time to let it go. Here are 14 signs you’re settling just because.
As a single, 30-something year old woman, I’ve got explaining why I’m still unmarried down to a science. You’re at a dinner party, a wedding, a barbecue, or at a place where everyone is coupled up, and then folks find out you’re single…still. Once they get past the shock of your singlehood, they ask you if you’ve considered YouKnowTheSite.com. That’s when it gets fun for me. I’ve actually practiced my responses. Here are a few:
Why are you still single?
“That’s a mystery right up there with ‘Who Shot Biggie?’”
“My fiancé is doing a bid”
“Why aren’t you?”
No one really asks smart, successful, good-looking men why they’re single but if you’re a smart, successful, attractive woman, people want to know what’s wrong with you. While many women find this question so maddening that they don’t even bother to answer it, other women might actually wonder if there issomething wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with being single, a woman, or in your thirties – all at the same time. But if you’re trying to figure out why a woman might be unwed and in her 30’s, here are some reasons to ponder…if you really truly care.
This week I was asked to address the following: Why do men settle? We talk a lot about “settling” in the office and what makes folks resort to that. Sometimes it’s perplexing why seemingly good men settle since it seems that they have more choices than women. As for men I know who have settled, I definitely know they settled because it’s pretty obvious when someone is not in love with his/her significant other.
To address this topic, I’ll need to shamelessly promote a few prior write-ups. First, I’ve written about Why He Married the Regular Girl before. Secondly, “settling” is subjective. I’ve written about that before in a piece aptly titled Maybe You Should Settle. I’m of the opinion that we all eventually settle. Technically, there will always be someone available that is more attractive, smarter, younger and perhaps even a better fit than our current mate. That is why we refer to it as “settling down.”
At some point in life, in theory, you have to make a choice that you only want to be with your wife in spite of and despite of the fact that there are other women in the world you will be attracted to before you die. To me, commitment is more about honoring vows to one woman and less about constantly reevaluating whether I “settled” to be with her.
What qualities do men settle on?
I should clear something up: men don’t search for the same qualities in a potential wife as women search for in a potential husband. In other words, the qualities a woman desires in a potential husband are not the same qualities a man desires in a potential wife. They might even be the exact opposite (e.g. preferring a taller man vs. a shorter woman).
I have my theories on what women look for in a potential husband, but since I’m not a woman and I don’t feel like arguing about how little I know about women (and I assure you it is very little), I’m going to focus on what men look for in a potential wife. I can’t speak for all men, but I can speak for most men, because I am a man, I know men, and unlike when dealing with a woman in which they have an interest, these men have no reason to tell me what they think I want to hear as opposed to simply answering the question.
When I asked around, most men seemed to desire a wife that they are attracted to, can have fun with, who is reasonable, supportive, and who is motivated to pursue similar goals in life. Please notice I made no mention of sex; there is no mention of income; and there is no mention of education. Is this because men don’t care about sex, income, and education? No, don’t be ridiculous. However, few men have made the decision to marry or not to marry their wife based strictly on how good/bad her sex, income, or education. In most cases, you are not going to sex your way into a proposal, spend your way into a proposal, or use your vast educational achievements to impress your way into a proposal. For many men, those qualities in women act as the support, not as the foundation, for why he sees a given woman as wife-material.
What’s love got to do with it?
Women hold on to grudges, men hold on to heartbreak. A man will get his heartbroken in elementary school and use that experience to guide his view on women and love for the rest of his life. I’m exaggerating but only slightly. If a man gets his heart broken badly enough when he’s young, he might become so jaded by the experience that he chooses to never place himself in an emotionally vulnerable position for the rest of his life. In doing so, he isn’t looking for a woman to fall in love with. He is settling for a woman to spend time with.
You can maintain a relationship without love. People do it every day. While the blogs usually focus on the plights of the single black women of the world, it’s not like every black man on Earth is running around falling into the waiting arms of every woman he wants. The majority of men do not have a handful of lonely women waiting around for him to beckon so that he can validate them by finally putting a ring on it. Despite all the false bravado, Drake is not the only man that “gets lonely too.”
Many men will settle out of comfort, fear, or both. In their mind, something is better than nothing. These men figure that if they have someone to hang out with that cooks, cleans, gives them sex, and meets whatever other basic qualities he deems important, then what more does he need? Should he risk comfort to pursue love? For what? Love doesn’t pay the bills.
Do you think men settle as often or more often than women? What makes you believe these men settled and why do you think they did so in the first place? Do you feel like you settled in a past or current relationship? What made you feel like you settled or had no choice but to settle?
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.
Photo courtesy of Shutterstock
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Just when you think the world is full of love and sunshine and rainbows, yet another study comes along and smacks you in the face to prove otherwise. Turns out that a lot of men don’t enter into commitments like marriage out of a genuine bond toward a woman — they seem to do it just because. Let’s explore, shall we?
The new Match.com Singles in America study found that 25 percent of men will agree to commit to a woman even if they aren’t romantically or sexually attracted to her. According to the study, it seems that both single men and women — although men more so — are looking for companionship, rather than completion. So forget about that scene in Jerry Maguire and accept that you may never hear those words: “You complete me.” You’re more likely to hear, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Here are some reasons men walk down the aisle even if they’re not feelin’ it.
Read more at YourTango
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The Danger Of Marrying For Practical Purposes: Why I Think Those Who “Settle” Are Potential Cheaters
Oftentimes, we look at infidelity as a product of one person in a relationship checking out and acting irresponsibly for selfish reasons; we envision the cheater as someone that decided he or she wanted something new. But as I see a lot of my friends settling down and getting married, I have come to observe that there is one motive for cheating that is rarely discussed: “settling.”
As I witness cousins, friends and associates getting engaged and married, I realized that I don’t know too many couples who are mutually and passionately in love. Of all the couples I know, I only admire the relationships of a handful of folks. Most couples I know consist simply of two people who just settled for one another or one who is more into the other.
Some of these women I know in these relationships always had a practical mindset when it came to love; some just had little hope of finding “the one” after 30; and some thought they just owed it to the man who loved them unconditionally. It makes me sad, really. I’m not a supporter of “settling.” Although I did admire the rationale behind the notorious book by Lori Gottlieb arguing that women needed to be practical about their expectations, I know that compromising emotions for the sake of practicality wouldn’t work for someone like myself. Although many people wouldn’t admit it, “settling” wouldn’t work for them either. What’s proof of this? Cheating and infidelity.
Like I mentioned, we envision a cheater as someone who got married and was in love, met someone else, and just moved on to the next. But settlers are the pre-cheaters. I look at a close friend of mine who is marrying a man who is madly in love with her. She’s not in love with him although she likes him. I fear the day when she comes across a man who evokes the passion she’s lacking in her own emotions for her fiance.
I imagine this happens all the time. The man who cheats with his co-worker and the woman who leaves her husband for a man she met on the plane potentially both have similar stories. When a person, who has settled, connects with another person that stirs up those passions, they don’t know how to handle things. It’s not like these scenarios have uniformly happy endings or sad endings; but what they almost always do is throw off someone’s balance in life and make them question their own personal state of affairs. When settling, you’re essentially putting yourself in the vulnerable position of temptations. When that part of your life is not truly fulfilled and satisfied, you may feel that there is a vacuum that needs to be filled.
So with all the talk of settling down, being practical, marrying someone who loves us more than we love them, etc, maybe we should think about the potential damage that can be caused by this rush to the altar. Understandably, I know there are some people who will be fully content with their decision to settle and never second-guess their decisions but I think for the most part, people desire the idea and feeling of true love.
Do you know anyone who’s cheated because they found true love after they got married?
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Being single seems like the plague to some women. It’s like a disease that is searching for a cure. Normally, that cure is in the form of a man. But sometimes being single is better than being in a relationship. I know it may seem farfetched to some, but hear me out. After some time, I can say that I have recently found joy in my single status.
I haven’t given up on love and hope that a man, marriage, and a family will come, but I have decided that there are just some things that aren’t worth me handing in my single-girl card for. Nope. Not just yet.
Of course a cheating man is one of those things. And most women, besides the ones on any VH1 reality show, would agree; but I’m referring to the things that are a bit more subtle and less scandalous than my man tipping out on me. These things, although they seem small, make for a bad relationship that usually leave me feeling as if the single life is more attractive.
Within the last two years, I have had a couple of opportunities to be in a relationship; and while they were initially tempting offers I quickly…and sometimes not so quickly…realized that being single was definitely the better option.
Without a bit of hesitation, I can easily say that I would rather be single than be in a relationship that lacks trust. Trust issues, like communication problems, are usually at the root of most troubled relationships. It’s really simple, without trust you have no relationship.
We all know this, but often neglect the notion because we want love; but I’ve learned firsthand that no amount of love can resuscitate a relationship that has been killed by the lack of trust. Being single is much better than dealing with a man I don’t trust or one that doesn’t trust me. It’s a headache that single girls have the luxury of not dealing with.
The lack of trust is something that most would say makes for an unhealthy relationship, but there are other things that often go unnoticed that make a relationship just as bad. One of these things is allowing one or both parties to get too comfortable. I would rather be single than be in a relationship that’s just comfortable.
‘Surviving is not enough’ is one of my mottos in life. To live just to say you’re surviving is not living. I want more. And the same is applicable in relationships. I would prefer being single than being in a relationship that’s just holding on by the threads of comfort. Same routine. Small talk. No excitement. Just comfort. No thanks! Being single is more exciting and less mundane than sticking around in a comfortable relationship.
I would rather be single than be in a relationship that requires me to make compromises that jeopardize my dreams or go against my beliefs. Some men require a lot, others require too much, and some are just unrealistic with their requirements. I’ve dated men who say they support me and my endeavors, however, they only support me when those endeavors don’t interfere with their time. If a relationship requires me to neglect goals simply to satisfy a man, I’d rather be single until I find someone on the same page.
My I’d-rather-be-single list isn’t a ‘fake-me out’ attempt to enjoy the single life or a cover-up of “I-Can’t-Get-A-Man-Syndrome.” Honestly, being single is sometimes more appealing than being in some relationships. I have experienced the nuisances that unhealthy relationships can bring and found that being single has actually been the cure.
I am also the first to admit that most people, especially women, want to be in a relationship at some point in their lives. As people, ultimately, we all need love, and yes, it’s a wonderful thing. But here’s the thing: love is wonderful when it’s the right kind of love, and even then, something so wonderful can become hurtful and draining when it’s not right or based on the right things. Therefore, why put yourself through the ringer to tell be coupled up? Being single, at least until you find the right kind of man and the right kind of respect and love, is much better than being in a relationship when it’s wrong.
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Meagan Good is all smiles these days after marrying movie producer and Seventh-day Adventist minister Devon Franklin, and though the actress was clearly smitten before she jumped the broom, she says things have gotten even better since she’s become a Mrs.
“It’s been pretty amazing,” she told Elev8.com about life as a newlywed. “He is absolutely the most incredible thing that’s happened to me. We want the same thing out of life and that’s important.
“We’re both on the front lines for Christ. We’re serious about our walk. We’re not perfect but what we desire and what we aspire to is the same. In having a partner you ultimately have to know and want the same things and have the same type of revelations and we do.”
Meagan talked about those same aspirations before she walked down the aisle as she shared Devon’s desire to remain celibate with her for the year prior to their wedding. The 30-year-old isn’t selfish with the secret to her good loving though, she wants other single women to find the same type of love she has and she says they can by following this one simple rule, not settling. She told Eelv8 that’s the main difference between her past relationships and the one she now has with Devon.
“The difference is God is more evident in my heart. That was always my desire,” she said. “Sometimes…you make what you think are sacrifices because you see there’s potential here, or this person has it in their heart there’s just got to be some growing. Ultimately one thing I would say to all women is don’t settle. It is out there, it does exist and God is so much bigger and greater than what our small minds can think. What we think is impossible is absolutely possible and I’m definitely living proof of that. My marriage is living proof of that.”
Alright Meagan. What do you think about her advice?
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