All Articles Tagged "sadness"
When it comes to relationships, I’ve learned to assume nothing. While speaking with one of my close friends about her relationship, I realized how delusional she had become when it came to her situation; and while I wanted to offer her that shoulder to cry on once again, I was finally conflicted about what I should say. Should I console her and tell her that we all make mistakes as I usually explain to her? Or should simply give up the ghost and tell her, “Girl, this dude has you delusional”?
Because we had been friends for more than 12 years and I had been her listening ear for more than a year, I finally decided on the latter. After dealing with a guy for more than a year who claimed he loved her, though they sometimes see each other less than once a month (and they live in the same city), it was time she embraced her delusional mindset so she could move on. And although I had never dealt with the exact same situation, I too was guilty of having my own few situations where I allowed my fairytale dreams to cloud a nightmare reality; but I eventually realized that the first step in moving on is to admit that you are clearly confused about what’s going on in your relationship.
Being delusional simply means that you have a strong conviction of what is true (in your mind), although the evidence supports something totally different. What do I mean? Well, example one: when a man says he wishes he could spend more time with you but he seems to find time to do everything but that. Or when your guy says he wants to get married once he deals with his trust issues, but they are the same issues he’s tried to tackle for the entire six years the two of you have been dating. Or when all of your friends see your man dogging you, but you make up excuses, saying that’s just his defense mechanism when he’s scared of looking vulnerable.
Being delusional is never healthy for a relationship or ultimately for anyone’s self-esteem. It was extremely difficult to tell my friend that she was allowing this man to make a fool of her; but after more than a year, I was left with no choice. I had suffered from the ‘delusional woman’ syndrome before and wanted to ensure that one of my closest friends didn’t allow these traits to stay around longer than needed.
Many times, we become delusional because we want something so bad that we allow our desires to get in the way of reality. And even the woman who usually has high self-esteem and/or makes good decisions can fall into the trap.
My friend had never acted this way when it came to a man, but in her head she was living a lie when it came to the state of their relationship. Still, I think she was very aware of all that. I had to have that provoked talk to her about her relationship, but she took it in stride and admitted that she had made enough excuses for her man.
See, being delusional about your relationship even has its breaking point. And when it comes to a relationship, I’ve personally decided to assume nothing, but wait for proof. When it comes to a man, his words should line up with his actions, not some story I’ve conjured up in my head.
Humans, we’re such a weird bunch, aren’t we? As much of some would like to claim that we’re creatures of habit, there’s this little thing called “human error” that we can’t account for. Small things that seem so innocuous can have such a large effect on our behavior. What things you might ask? Let’s see.
For all the jokes everyone had about Cissy Houston “keeping it real” during her interview with Oprah on last week’s episode of Next Chapter, it seems one thing is absolutely true: she and granddaughter Bobbi Kristina are not on the best of terms.
Last Thursday, Bobbi Kristina responded to Cissy’s comments about her having heard that BK didn’t like the idea of her writing the book but not having had the chance to speak to her directly. She took to Twitter:
For those of you who aren’t well-versed in the abbreviated text of teenagers these days (as well as all of the added symbols from Twitter), Bobbi Kristina basically said that neither she nor her boyfriend Nick Gordon (yes, apparently they’re still together) had anything to do with the book and she will not be reading it. Further, it seems that she feels that putting out the book was disrespectful to her mom, Whitney Houston.
The unfortunate truth is that this is a family in shambles. There’s no way to know if they were in this bad of shape prior to Whitney’s death but with the reality show, book deals and interviews, it has certainly pulled them further apart.
Cissy recently did an interview with the Tom Joyner Morning Show to promote her book and according to Black America Web, when asked what she would say to Bobbi Kristina if she were listening, she replied, “Call your grandmother.”
Do you think if the Houstons pulled back from media outlets, they could have a chance to mourn and possibly come back together as a family?
Some lessons don’t come to you immediately—some come to you as a memory or a sudden understanding of an event from your past. Often, as you progress toward better relationships, things become clear to you about a relationship that took place five years ago! So, while not all of these things happened to me firsthand this year (I don’t get around the block that much!), some event or person came into my life in 2012 that shed light on events from my past, and finally showed me the lesson from experiences which until recently were just meaningless pain. Maybe as you go into the new year, you too can turn some of your painful memories into helpful lessons.
Holding On To Guilt? When To Accept Responsibility For Your Actions, And When To Give Yourself A Break
I have a friend… let’s call her Kim, who had a cousin who was murdered in 2010. The two men who stabbed him were caught and convicted. For anyone who’s been through something like, you probably knows that at the sentencing hearing, you’re allowed the opportunity to read a victim’s impact statement, which is pretty much a letter that you write, detailing how the loss of your loved one has negatively impacted your life. You read it in the courtroom and it allows the family members who are hurting an opportunity to tell the person who’s up for sentencing how their actions made them feel, and allows the judge to hear from the grieving family; which helps him/her to make a decision for how long the person will be sentenced.
But there are rules to impact statements and you can’t read your impact statement until your lawyer reads it to make sure that the letter follows all guidelines.
So, the night before the sentencing hearing her aunt, who was the mother of the deceased, asked if Kim could help her write the statement and email it to the lawyer. Kim and her aunt worked for hours perfecting the words that her aunt wanted to say on behalf of her son, how she felt whenever she saw his daughter, and how the entire situation could have been avoided.
Finally, the letter was done, a copy of it was printed and a copy was sent to the lawyer. Afraid that she might have mistyped the email address, Kim looked back and made sure that it was identical to the email address that her aunt gave her. She rechecked her email two more times after she sent it, felt satisfied that it was actually sent and probably received, bid farewell to her aunt and called it a night.
The next morning she wakes up happy, sun is shining, birds helped her get dressed that morning, and she goes to her computer, checks her email and sees the dreaded “Mailer-Daemon” email three hours after she sent the impact statement, alerting her that the email had never been sent.
Though the day was beautiful, immediately, she felt horrible. She tried contacting the lawyer and the courthouse to figure out if she could resend it, but it was too late. They needed it before that day. A dark cloud of depression came over Kim and followed her the rest of the day. She fought back tears as her family went to the courthouse and she stayed home not wanting to witness the hurt that her aunt would feel by not being able to express how she felt for losing her son.
At the end, the two boys got seven years. Even though Kim knew that if they would have gotten the maximum (22 years in her state) it wouldn’t have brought back her cousin, she couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt. She kept on wondering: How could I have miss-typed the email address? If my aunt got a chance to express how she felt, would the judge have given the boys more time? Oh my God, this is all my fault…
After two days of feeling extremely guilty, her family and friends tried to convince her that it wasn’t her fault. Her aunt shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to do it. Kim did the best she could. The judge probably had what sentence he was going to give already made up in his mind, and it probably wasn’t going to change.
About three weeks have passed and I’m not too sure if Kim is completely over it, but the only thing she feels she can do is block it out, because no matter what, she can’t change the outcome. She can’t flip the past.
I said all of that to say this: There are times when things are going to happen that might directly or indirectly be related to your actions. During the times that you actively caused someone pain, those are the times that you need to take responsibility, make amends and try to do better. For those times where you tried your best, and the resulting failure caused someone else pain, after you apologize, try to give yourself a break. Obsessing over what happened, how you could have fixed it and what you did wrong isn’t going to change what already happened. It’s tough, indeed, trying to move on with your life after making a big mistake, but it’s even worse when you’re bogging yourself down with guilt over something that you can’t change and know was unintentional. In those moments, learn from the situation and give yourself the opportunity to move forward. You can’t do that if you dwell on the past.
Kendra Koger is on twitter.
More on Madame Noire!
- From Dropping It Like It’s Hot To Oscars: 10 Celebrities Who Got Their Video Vixen On Before Making It Big (Fellas Too!)
- Name It & Claim It: The Importance of Speaking Your Dreams and Desires Into Existence
- It’s Women Like Kiana Howell And Makeeba Graham Who Make It Hard For All Of Us To Get Through Security At The Airport
- Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Does Makeup Really Matter To Men?
- When It Comes To The Magic Stick, Does Size Really Matter?
- Magazine Cover Curse: 9 Couples Who Shared Their Love With Us And Ended Up Yesterday’s News
- Wait, How Did You Get That Role? 14 Of The Crappiest Casting Calls in Black Films and TV
Sometimes you are more than willing to turn an ex loose. You snap the weight of that relationship from around you like you snap that constricting bra off at the end of the day. You’re giddy, joyful like a slave who has just received her freedom papers and a one-way train ticket North.
Then, there are the relationships that leave you curled up in the fetal position, watching The Notebook on replay, ugly-crying Kim Kardashian style into the same three balled up tissues you’ve been using for the past four hours. Nothing matters in the world. Not food. Not your job. Not even your hygiene. You’ve drank ONE glass of OJ all day, called out of work and haven’t shaved your legs. You simply can’t rest for wondering, crying, hoping and praying over the desperate, pitiful remains of your love, feelings and broken emotions.
Yeah, it’s that intense sometimes.
I’ve experienced the former and the latter. While the latter is obviously the most difficult to push through, it’s also the most rewarding to push through. I cried my fair share of tears but at the end of the day, I had to get tough with myself. I fixed my face (and LORD, did that take some fixing), took a shower, shaved my legs, hid The Notebook DVD and laid out some serious honesty for myself. My ex had not changed. In over six years of on-again-off-again contact with him, he had not changed. At 26 he is the same game-playing, insecure, lazy little boy that he was at 18. Am I bashing him? Absolutely not. I can attest to his good qualities as well. The only trouble is that while he may be a good-hearted person, all the ‘good-heartedness’ in the world just AIN’T ENOUGH.
I took inventory. Had I grown? If the answer was ‘Yes’ (which it unequivocally was) then the choice to completely and wholeheartedly walk away from him would be clear, yes? Yes. It should be easy, yes? No.
Sometimes women, as the more nurturing of the two sexes, feel the need to coax, coddle and coerce boys into being men. Wrong. All wrong. If he is not engaging his own free will to become better, there is little you can do or say to persuade him to. I had to stop and realize that my support is and will only EVER be supplemental to my ex’s determination to mature. If he lacked that determination, all the support in the world would do him no good and would drain me in the process.
I looked in the mirror one fateful day and true to the form of any endearing chick flick, gave myself the illest, most girl power-esque pep talk possible: “Girl, you have come too far. You have learned too much. You know what you deserve and it’s not him. You did all you could do to show him how much you loved him. He didn’t get it and that’s not your problem anymore. Something so much better is in store for you.”
I fed myself smaller gems in the same vein as that pep talk whenever I felt weak or lonely. I got busy working, getting involved in the women’s empowerment ventures I had become so passionate about, mentoring young ladies, writing, traveling, spending more time with friends and family. Things were happening. Life was drawing back its curtain and showing to me all the glorious inner workings of its full production. I was falling in love with living, instead of existing. And sure enough a week, a month, a year and a half sauntered on past me. I looked up and thought about him for the first time in ages and felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
When I got busy working on ME, that’s when the real healing process started happening. It was like a chemical reaction. Getting to the crux of who I am, what I enjoy, what I’m passionate about is what made all the difference for me. I had no time to bemoan the ruins of a failed relationship when I was out exploring, meeting, seeing, doing, loving and living. But I had all the time in the world for growing.
While I wish him well, I have slowly but surely moved forward by knowing and fully UNDERSTANDING my immense worth. You’ll never get what you deserve if you never understand and fully believe in who you are. People can tell you until they are blue in the face but until it all penetrates your brain matter, it will just be words and you’ll still settle for less than everything you’re worth.
I may have held the blue ribbon for “World’s Ugliest Ugly Crier” back then but please believe holding the title of “The One That Got Away” feels so freakin’ fabulous now.
La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.