All Articles Tagged "rocky relationships"
Trying to build a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person can be an extremely draining and frustrating experience. Although there are many who attempt to tear down the walls in an effort to win the heart of their emotionally unavailable love interest, most fail and wind up with their hearts broken in the process. At times, the signs of a person struggling with these emotional issues can be pretty apparent. Other times, they can be masked and mistaken for something else. Are you unsure if the guy you’re seeing is emotionally unavailable? Check out these signs and hopefully you’ll be able to come to an accurate conclusion.
I’m friends with an older woman who by a wing and a prayer seems to singlehandedly carry the financial burden of her family on her back while her husband passively (and when I say passively, I’m being generous) looks for work. One might say that due to the tough economy there are many husbands who are out of work; however that isn’t the case in this particular situation seeing as her husband hasn’t been gainfully employed for the last 15+ years. I always look at the situation a bit confused and I have to occasionally ask her what is keeping her around. Her response is always “Someday, when you’re married you’ll understand.”
I get it. Marriage is a bridge that I haven’t had the privilege of crossing, yet. But, something about the thought of a man who refuses to assist in financially supporting his family leaves me somewhat perplexed. I realize that in most wedding vows the couple promises to stick together for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, but most brides would imagine that this is in reference to unforeseen and unfortunate events such as sickness, a lay-off, etc., not that her groom flat out makes the conscious decision to bail on his responsibility to financially support his family. As frustrating as this situation may seem from the outside looking in, I suppose she does have a valid point. Matrimonial vows don’t have built in employment clauses.
I am well aware of the serious weight that marriage holds in the sight of God. I hope to be married someday, but I feel a bit torn when it comes to this subject. It seems that the logical and biblically correct thing to do would be to stick around since unemployment doesn’t seem to be grounds for divorce, but something in me still wonders what women would actually do when put in this situation. How is this fair to the woman struggling to carry the financial load of her family on her own without the help of her perfectly capable partner, especially in this economy? I was certain that I wouldn’t be able to reach an unbiased conclusion on this matter for two reasons. One, I am not and have never been married and two, witnessing my friend carry such a heavy a burden may make me a little partial on the subject. So, I allowed a few ladies who are either married or have been married at some point to weigh in on this highly debatable topic. When asked if they would leave their mate if he refused to get a job, here is how they responded:
Absolutely. Positively. Affirmative.. Yes, yes, and yes. We would get divorced. He refuses to get a job? I refuse to be married to a man that won’t work.
- Celeste M., New Jersey
Well, acccording to the word of God I would not have the right to divorce him because he does not get a job. The words “get a job” are not in the marriage vows; however we all agree that if he don’t work he won’t eat …LOL. But, that is not grounds for divorce.
- Latisha M., New Jersey
A relationship is supposed to be 50/50. Where and what is his 50? That’s the real question! He has to bring something to the table or go!
- Dameisha D., New York
It seems that there is no “right” answer to this question, as it is all contingent upon one’s own personal affirmations and beliefs. Although the thought of a husband who is fully capable of supporting his family choosing not is very troubling to me, I can’t say for sure that I’d be so quick to give to my husband the axe either. Since marriage should be based on an unconditional love, choosing to leave due to the husband’s unemployment may actually make it conditional after all.
What do you think? Would you leave your mate if he refused to work ?
All photos are courtesy of ShutterStock
Overcoming trust related issues is one of the biggest challenges that a couple can come up against. It is an emotionally draining situation for both parties involved and unfortunately plays a major role in the demise of many relationships. Having been a person who has struggled with trust in the past, I realize that this can sometimes be a difficult mindset to break away from; however it is not impossible. If you find that you too struggle with trusting your partner, here are a few tips that just may help you out.
There are women who could care less if they ever get married. Then, there are those of us who fantasize about the day that we will be given the opportunity to stroll down the aisle in a white dress and exchange vows in front of oo-ing and ahh-ing family and friends. And finally, there are those who take the desire to be married to a whole new level and become fixated and practically obsessed with the idea of marriage. As folks say about Kim Kardashian and J.Lo, you’re too in love with the idea of love and the fairytale ending. The ladies who ooze of thirstiness and desperation. While there’s nothing wrong with desiring to be married someday, there does appear to be some detriment that comes with being desperate. For one, desperation leads many women to settle for Mr. Here and Now instead of holding out for Mr. Right. Not to mention that most men can spot a desperate woman from a mile away. This could result in him heading for the hills or taking advantage of her thirsty ways and leading her on. But how can you tell that your healthy desire to get married has become an obsession? Check out these signs to find out.
You’re willing to settle down with just about anyone
Have you ever found yourself trying to make serious commitments to a man you just met or have only gone on a couple of dates with? Are you already matching up your first name with his last or imagining how your children will look? Pump your breaks, sis. Jumping into a relationship and trying to get all Cinderalla with any man who smiles at you is not the move. Slow and steady wins the race and marriage is supposed to be a life-long commitment, so try being more selective about the man you are willing to give your heart and time to. It may save you from potential heartache, headaches and thousands of dollars for a pricey divorce.
During the course of this season of VH1′s Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta, reality show lovers everywhere witnessed the whirlwind romance that played out between Karlie Redd and Benzino. Many (myself included) looked on with raised eyebrows and skeptic attitudes as the two made serious commitments to one another after what seemed like only a few short weeks of being together (Benzino later claimed they were together for three months). Being the avid reality show viewer that I am, I eventually realized that with each scene receiving 3-4 minutes at most, edits, and almost 10 other cast members who have to all be featured during a one hour, once a week time slot, it is nearly impossible for any of us as viewers to fully know the extent of the relationship between these two cast members. I do not know Karlie or Benzino personally so I could never really pass judgement on the legitimacy of their relationship. With that in mind, do not become blindsided by the title of this article. It isn’t at all about Karlie Redd or Benzino, but the people who their on-screen relationship represented. You know, the people who meet on Monday, are in love by Wednesday, and are getting a place together by Friday? Yeah, those people.
Love can be many things to many different people, but one thing that it should not be is rushed. Piloting a love affair that has taken off too quickly is like flying a plane before it has been checked for malfunctions–the chances of a crash and burn are greatly increased. Of course, there are no guarantees when it comes to the game of love, but pumping your breaks and actually getting to know the person that you’re seeing before diving head first into an exclusive relationship can greatly diminish your chances of have a head-on collision with heartache and headaches.
Notifying anyone outside of your close knit circle of your new found relationship is probably also a bad idea. Try waiting until you are sure that it’s something real that will have some sort of longevity. That includes refraining from professing your love through social networking platforms such as Twitter and Facebook. Drawing a lot of attention to your budding relationship simply adds pressure and having to explain to your cousin, uncle, godmother, neighbor, co-workers, and your 900+ Facebook friends why your relationship status went from “single” to “in a relationship” back to “single” in a three week time span can be really annoying and embarrassing. It also makes you look a little unstable when you say you’re “in love” and back in a relationship every other month.
I realize that being in the presence of a new person that makes you feel all giddy inside can be an amazing and exhilarating experience. I also realize that the adrenaline rush that people get when they become romantically involved with a new person is often mistaken for love. So, how do you differentiate between the two? Time. Only time can tell. So, until you can be totally sure that this is something real, you may want to refrain from making any serious commitments or decisions such as sharing any kind of bill or account such as a phone bill, exchanging house keys, moving in together, getting engaged, going half on a baby, you know the type of things that tie people together way after they no longer want anything to do with one another.
It is my personal belief that every human walking this earth deserves to be in a loving relationship, but nose diving into a serious relationship with some random person to simply appease temporary loneliness and boredom is not the way to go. Those situations seem to almost always backfire and your attempt to fulfill a temporary desire leaves you with long-term heartache. Feel the person out. Are they truly who they present themselves to be? As one Madame Noire writer stated, “get past the representative“ before jumping into something with your whole heart. The temptation to speed things up may arise, but slow and steady wins the race.
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Job loss is a pretty common occurrence these days, considering the economically strained times in which we currently live. The statistics for unemployment rates are constantly plastered across newspaper headlines and blasted through radio airways; however, it doesn’t become real until it happens to you or someone you love. Losing a job can be a very traumatic and emotional experience for anyone, but it can be especially damaging for a man who is by nature the breadwinner of his family. Unemployment can breed feelings of inadequacy, resentment, unworthiness, and a host of other undesirable feelings that are not conducive to a person’s self-esteem, emotional health, or the prosperity of their marriage. Coping with your husband losing his job can be very challenging. It is often a very fragile period when the roles become reversed and a wife takes on the role as the primary financial supporter and should be approached with care.
As a wife you are your husband’s life partner and by default his primary support system. And, it is during this time that your support is absolutely necessary. While you may not be able to get him a new job, you can certainly make the process easier by providing your husband with the mental and emotional nurturing that he needs to make it through this rough time. Here are some tips on how to not only to support your spouse during his time of unemployment, but to also take advantage of this time to strengthen the bond that you already share.
1. Be expressive of your gratitude: He may already be feeling down on himself because he is currently unable to provide for you financially, so be sure to encourage him by letting him know just how much you appreciate all that he does provide. Let him know that he is more than just the family’s breadwinner, but he is also the protector, the guide, the leader, the example.
2. Be reassuring: Let him know that you recognize that his current lack of employment is not a result of laziness or lack of ambition, but merely a rough patch that the two of you will work through as a team.
3. Be attentive: He will eventually want to express his feelings, worries, and concerns, even if he doesn’t want to initially. When he is ready to talk about it don’t be too busy to listen. Allow him ample time to express how he feels. Don’t dominate the entire conversation, allow him to get it all out. It is also a good idea to wait until he is ready to talk. Don’t nag and probe, this can sometimes make a bad situation worse.
4. Be suggestive: Offer ways to possibly cut down on expenses or generate more income until he is back on his feet. Maybe you can cut back on your shopping, put forth more of an effort to hunt for bargains, or pick up a few extra hours at work.
5. Be affectionate: Now more than ever he could probably use a little extra TLC. Make him feel wanted, do little things to show how much you care.
6. Be understanding: It can be really tough landing a new gig in this economy, so try to understand that getting a new job can take time. Trust that he is actively looking for work and try to be patient.
7. Pray together: Uniting spiritually not only strengthens bonds, but it also makes burdens easier to bear. In 2010 the Huffington Post reported “researchers found that people in same-faith relationships and partners who attended services regularly were more satisfied with their relationship.”
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New love is almost like a drug the way that it takes over our emotions and alters our behavior. There’s the excitement of meeting a new person that still lingers accompanied by the curiosity that drives one to explore and learn all that there is to possibly know about their new love interest. The late-night phone calls, the constant need to be in one another’s presence, the butterflies, the feelings of being on cloud nine, the adrenaline rush experienced each time you realize that you have a message from your significant other, the giddiness and so on are all emotions and behaviors associated with new love and new relationships. The feeling of having your emotions intertwined with someone new whom you find yourself to be compatible with is euphoric and exhilarating. You see your partner through rose-colored sunglasses and they can do no wrong. While this is an absolutely beautiful phase in a relationship, the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t last forever. Not all of these feelings and behaviors cease as the relationship continues to grow, but studies have shown that the “head-over-heels” sensation tends to become less intense over time.
So, what happens when you are no longer seeing your partner through those rose colored glasses and reality acts as a pair of 3D Acuvue contact lenses giving you a 20/20 view of your partner, good, bad, and indifferent? What happens when the fairy tale fades and real life kicks in? What happens when the thrill of conquering something new is no longer present? Well, one of two things can happen. The couple either loves one another through their best as well as their worst or they decide that the relationship is not worth it and they part ways. The reality of a relationship is that it is something that two people must work at if they want it to thrive and flourish. Sadly, everyone is not willing to put forth the effort which is why one week you will see that infamous Facebook status updated: John Doe and Jane Doe are now in a relationship, followed by a host of cute photos and status updates filled with love proclamations. A few months later you log on to see Jane Doe went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’ and you think to yourself “Woah, I wonder what happened. They seemed so happy.” A question that many people in relationships should ask themselves is “When the newness fades what will we have left?”
There are four different types of love that a human can experience which include Storge- an affectionate kind of love often shared between family members, Philia- a love that comes as a result of a strong bond between friends, Eros – the form of love that many know as romance or intimacy and is commonly associated with being “head-over-heels”, and Agape- an unconditional love. In most cases they start off in the Eros phase, however it should gradually mature into Agape. Any relationship solely based on Eros love will fail. Theories suggest that if a relationship never reaches Agape love it cannot thrive, which makes perfect sense. Agape love is the glue that holds a couple together. When life becomes more demanding and pressures begin to swell, unconditional or Agape love is absolutely crucial to the survival of a relationship. It is what gets you through those rough patches and difficult seasons.
In order for a healthy relationship to last all four types of love should be present. As a result of the four present loves will come patience, dedication, respect, fidelity, communication, generosity, honesty, willingness to change. Strong relationships don’t just “happen”. They are formed when two people make a conscious decision to work at it and love one another unconditionally.
Jazmine Denise is a New York City based Lifestyle & Relationship writer. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise.
I remember my first true encounter with the green-eyed monster known as jealousy. It was summer 2006 and I was one-year strong in my first “mature” relationship. The relationship had been going so well that I was sure I had been living out some Disney fairytale, until this one day, which seemed like any other. I had just gotten home from a job I’d snagged for the summer, I raced to my bedroom to call my Prince Charming whom I hadn’t heard from all day. “Hello,” I said eagerly as soon as I heard him pick up the phone; however, something wasn’t quite right. I heard a female’s laughter in the background. “Who’s that?” I asked twisting my face up, hoping he would say a cousin or relative. “Oh, that’s Shamika, the girl from across the street.” I sat on the other end of the phone silently. My heart sank. I felt like my face was going to crack and I was overcome with an intense feeling that I had a hard time identifying. I’d later come to know this intense and overwhelming feeling as jealousy. My logic told me that there was probably nothing up with this girl from across the street, but my imagination and emotions went running in a completely different direction.
Jealousy is one of those erratic and unreasonable emotions that can transform a fairly mild-mannered woman into a ranting, probing, lurking lunatic. A jealous woman can be like a terrorist to a man in a relationship. You know the deal: checking cell phones, cracking voicemail codes, Facebook passwords, Twitter passwords, cell phone company records, etc. You name it, I’ve done it. Little did I know, jealousy would be a frequent visitor in my relationships.
After my second or third encounter with this feeling, I began to realize that I had a problem. The crazy part is that I knew something about it was off and would’ve traded almost anything to get rid of those feelings. They were practically consuming me. It was as if a “Shamika” had been assigned to every last one of my relationships and just when I thought I had overcome it, the overbearing and suffocating feelings of jealousy would resurface. I would always try to work through it, convinced that this time I would beat this feeling. Each time I failed. I had no peace. After awhile I began to realize that these feelings were stemming from something internal, and if I were to ever truly overcome them, I would have to start addressing the issues that lie within. It was a quest that I would have to take on alone.
Today is a special day. It’s the beginning of the year—a clean slate that is completely unblemished by last year’s mistakes and mishaps. Even if you’re not the type to make resolutions, you can’t help, but feel like things are brand new on the first day of the year.
What will you do with this day of firsts? Let’s start 2011 on the right foot, Mesdames!
Here are a few suggestions to help you set the tone for the rest of the year!
Every song seems to be a love song, doesn’t it? No artist ever seems to like singing about digital clocks or bottles of water or fingernails, or just anything other than love… and for good reason. Love, when healthy and true, rules the universe! Even presidents, who manage wars and economies, need love. So, before you think about leaving your lover, your husband or your sugar pie, sink your soul into these Top 20 love songs that can save a rocky relationship…