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It’s usually around high school when we begin to learn how rare a true friend is. Good friends are like a bomb pair of designer shoes, the ones that are actually comfortable and are marked down at a ridiculously low price. They’re hard to come by and when you do happen to come across a pair, you cherish them because you are well aware of their value. A good girlfriend can act as the sister you’ve never had, the therapist you can’t afford, and provide the encouragement that you need when the going gets tough. Sadly, many beautiful friendships end for trivial and foolish reasons. I know the saying goes, some people enter your life for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime, but what if you’re allowing a lifetime friend to walk away over something petty? Check out some of the common reasons friendships end below and maybe you’ll decide that it’s time for you and your BFF to kiss and make up.

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Social Network Squabbles

The infamous subliminal Facebook statuses and misunderstood tweets have been like a cancer to friendships everywhere since about 2005. I remember watching in amazement last summer as I witnessed the original Twitter “beef” breakout on my timeline between “Basketball Wives” stars and besties Jennifer Williams and Evelyn Lozada. I then began to reflect on my own life and my friends. I could count at least five of them who had fallen out over ridiculous social networking wars that originated over something being said that may or may not have even been about them. Are you really beefing over what you saw someone Tweet?? Come on ladies, think about how foolish you’d feel if you allowed yourself to lose a friend a few years back over Myspace. No one even visits that site anymore!

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Men 

*Sighs* Men are one of the leading causes of ruined friendships between women in America. Seriously though, this is such a common reason that great friendships fall apart. No, I would not suggest making up with a friend who vindictively slept with your man, that’s just trifling. And how could you trust them again? I would, however, suggest that you try to make amends with the friend who may have gotten a little caught up in her new relationship and may be unintentionally neglecting your friendship. I mean, we’ve all been there at one point or another. Express to her how you feel and try to work through it! Then, there’s the scenario where a rift can appear between friends when they realize that they’ve both been eying the same guy. This is not grounds to end a friendship. Two mature women will foresee the disaster which lies ahead and both agree to leave him alone. Sisters before misters, right? Chicks before … um, you get the point.

Team Natural or Team Relaxed? What started out as women cheerfully showing pride in their locks has turned into another divisive tool amongst women of color. Last week I wrote two articles for Madame Noire; the first article was about having realistic expectations for natural hair, which sparked a nice conversation amongst women with different textures and how they were learning to work with their hair. The next day my article was posted on how to wear a good weave on a budget, and boy oh boy, did I cause a firestorm on the Facebook page. Almost immediately someone asked why we weren’t encouraging women to wear their real hair. And thus it began a mini comment battle between women who enjoy wearing extensions and relaxers and women who enjoy toting natural hair. No one realized that the author (me, of course) giving advice on weaves was someone who had been natural for many years, just a day after providing tips for those with natural hair.

A few days later at the 2012 Met Gala, Solange Knowles hit the red carpet in a dazzling canary yellow Rachel Roy gown and a fluffy curly afro. Every other natural woman online was ohhing and ahhing while reposting her picture to their respective social media accounts. She looked beyond fabulous…with her wig on, but because it looked like a real afro, no one cared. And that should be an example of how contrite this schism between “team natural” and “team non-natural” is. While it’s great to have a support system when going natural, to bully others into feeling like they are less than or don’t love themselves because of how they choose to manage their own hair is foul. It’s also hypocritical when we are praising the natural hair “image” of celebrities who are really rocking weaves, but dogging out the real world women who wear them as well. Weaves can work as a great protective style that allow women to switch up their look and explore different looks without damaging their real hair (if done right of course). The key is to have healthy hair, not just natural hair.

And women who aren’t natural have played into the drama as well. There’s no need to be combative by spreading negative stereotypes of women who choose to wear their hair natural. There is nothing butch, boyish or dirty about natural hair, as it can be just as feminine and hot as any other hairstyle. Natural women can achieve the same lengths of “long hair don’t care” as those who are relaxed. And when it all comes down to it, in order to maintain and grow long healthy hair, whether relaxed or natural, we are following the same hair care standards. One of the most preeminent books that has shaped many of the natural hair gurus’ ideology was written by a woman with relaxed hair, Ultra Black Hair Growth by Cathy Howe. It details a hair care regimen for growing relaxed hair that is parallel to the regimen for natural hair. It’s really all just hair.

One of the most beautiful factors of being a woman of color is the versatility that exists among us. Black women are the most diverse group of women and our hair can do just about anything. Our hair is one way to show our versatility. Just as one should not dictate that a person should only wear her hair straight or tell someone they look manly and hard with natural hair, one shouldn’t dictate that everyone needs to be natural and that you are trying to be something you’re not if you choose not to. For some, that is just not a realistic expectation as this point. You should always respect the comfort levels of others, and that consideration carries over to hair.

Hair is an extension of ones self. Hair does not make the person. In fact, character and confidence can completely change the shape of a hairstyle. So let’s stop telling someone else how one should wear their hair, and stop trying to insult each other to make ourselves feel better. Let’s stop defining ourselves by the nature of our hair. Live freely and direct your energy into helping others build up their good character and confidence.

Jouelzy offers tutorials on all aspects of Black hair care via her YouTube channel, focusing on women with tight budgets. You can also find her daily hair tips and inspirations on Facebook.