All Articles Tagged "resentment"
Kelly Rowland is going there for her latest single, “Dirty Laundry.” In a heartfelt, slow tempo-ed ballad Rowland opens up about her bittersweet feelings about Beyonce’s success and enduring an abusive relationship.
In the first verse she explains how the Destiny’s Child split caused her to feel conflicted:
While my sister was on stage killin’ like a motherf–ker
I was enraged feelin’ it like a motherf–ker
Bird in the cage, you would never know what I was dealin’ with
Went our separate ways but I was happy she was killin’ it
Bitter sweet, she was up I was down
No lie I feel good for her, but what do I do now?
Wow! While we all could have guessed that Kelly was feeling a bit jealous, (It’s only a natural reaction to watching someone you grow up with reach the heights you’re trying to achieve in your own career.), we’d guess she’s had a conversation with Beyonce about all of this. Still, to put this out for public consumption took some real big lady balls. Then, as if that weren’t enough, she goes on to explain her psychologically and physically abusive relationship.
Meanwhile this N***a putting his hands on me
Swear ya’ll don’t know the half of this industry.
And it’s almost been a decade…
Kinda lucky I was in her shadow.
Phone call from my sister, what’s the matter?
She said “oh no baby, you gotta leave.”
I was mad at everybody. Yeah her… everybody.
Started to call them people on me. I was battered
He hitting the window like it was me, until it was shattered.
He pulled me out and said ‘Don’t nobody love you but me.’
Not yo mama, not ya daddy and especially not Bey.
He turned me against my sister, I missed her.
So intense. Now, you know we’re trying to figure out who was this man Kelly’s talking about. There are a couple of clues. When she says industry, does she mean music industry or just famous? Is she speaking about her ex fiancee? Somebody else she kept under wraps? She says it was almost a decade ago. Either way, he was one sick dude, attempting to mess with her head like that.
We could play this guessing game for weeks; but whoever this man is, we respect the fact that the 32 year old singer is lending her voice and image to the pervasive issue that is domestic violence. This song and her admissions just further prove that domestic violence is an issue women in all tax brackets and stature have the potential to experience this type of violence.
Check out the song in its entirety on the next page.
Have you ever outwardly forgiven a friend or family member for some horrible offense they’ve committed against you while you inwardly still held a grudge about it? I have and it isn’t a pretty sight. Claiming to have forgiven a person while you are inwardly harboring feelings of resentment is not something that is always done with malicious intents and motives. One of the more popular examples of this is currently the strange relationship that has been depicted between Jackie and Laura of “Basketball Wives: LA,” where Laura pretends to be okay with Jackie to her face although she doesn’t actually care for her. Many have accredited Laura’s actions to being insincere or phony; however, it seems that most of her actions are a result of “unforgiveness.” In some cases you may actually posses the will and desire to forgive a person, but your heart is still healing and you’re having trouble doing so. Unaddressed feelings of resentment and “unforgiveness” have a tendency to fester and materialize into thoughts of revenge, and we already know that our thoughts can quickly become our actions. Not sure you’ve fully forgiven that person who hurt you? That’s okay, feelings and emotions can be difficult to decode sometimes, but lucky for you we are here to help. Check out nine signs that you have not fully forgiven a person even though you think you may have.
Overcoming trust related issues is one of the biggest challenges that a couple can come up against. It is an emotionally draining situation for both parties involved and unfortunately plays a major role in the demise of many relationships. Having been a person who has struggled with trust in the past, I realize that this can sometimes be a difficult mindset to break away from; however it is not impossible. If you find that you too struggle with trusting your partner, here are a few tips that just may help you out.
A wise man once said that if you take the amount of time a couple has been together and divide it by two, you’ll get the amount of time that they’ve been breaking up. A relationship never just ends the moment both parties agree to go their separate ways. Just as it takes time for a bond to be formed, it also takes time for a bond to be broken. Women are infamous for holding onto relationships well after they’ve started falling apart, even if they themselves have checked out of the relationship. Here are a few signs that you’ve done just that.
By Kariba Williams
I was only five when I realized that my mother had a drug habit. She would stay in the kitchen for hours at a time with some of her “friends.” She would only come out when she needed to prevent me from venturing into the kitchen or when it was time for her to go to the “store” to feed her habit. By the time I turned six, my first brother was born, however, my mother continued her drug use and wound having two additional children in a span of three years. My mother was not a “typical” user. She went on heavy binges. She didn’t use every day, but when she did use, she would be hard to reach for days at a time. Because of this, my siblings became my responsibility at a young age. I ensured that they were fed and tried to show them the right things to do, despite my own lack of guidance. I was a good girl for the most part and my mother knew it. As her disappearing acts caught the attention of neighbors, authorities were called in and my siblings and I were removed. This became the norm. She would get us back, we would be removed again, and she would somehow get us back once more.
When she got us back for a final time, she still wasn’t through with her addiction. She knew how to straighten up long enough for the court to believe she was rehabilitated. My mother loved us very much, but her inner demons ran rampant. She had minimal strength in fighting her addiction and that made me an adult before my time. I made hard decisions and became the most consistent thing in the lives of my siblings. I was their guardian. I felt an incredible need to protect them. The feeling was so strong that I couldn’t even fathom the idea of going to college outside of the city. If I left, who would protect them? My life was about them and never about me. I was more selfless than selfish for the first half of my life.
One night, my mom went to the “store” and didn’t come back for two days. I was 21 years old, had a job and was enrolled in school full time. And at that point, I was fed up. I was tired of playing mommy. My siblings were teenagers and one of them was becoming rebellious: arrests, stabbings, juvenile detention, breaking curfew, and possible pregnancies. Things were beyond the usual meetings with the guidance counselor. Things just became too much for me, and I finally realized how overwhelmed I was. For the first time, I knew it was time to pull myself together for me. When my mother came back from that two-day binge, I moved in with a relative and started doing my own thing. From there, I got my own place a year later.
“I’m sure other couples do this.” That’s what goes through a lot of men and women’s heads when there is a dynamic in their relationship that they sometimes wonder, “Is this bad?” when they already know the answer to the question. But when you don’t want to be out on the singles scene again, you would be surprised what people will allow themselves to deal with in a relationship. You can tell yourself, “this is normal, but there are some things that should never be justified: like the following.
by Holly Stokes
Why should we forgive?
It’s important to forgive because the resentments that we hold onto mostly affect us, not the other person that we are angry with. Any resentments that we hold get in the way of our happiness. Much like spots on a windshield, we can’t see our lives effectively if we haven’t washed off the spots that get in the way of our clarity. Our brain records all our memories and our
emotions together. You may have found yourself driving down the road and thinking about a past event, even though the event is over and done. As you think about the event, you experience the same emotions that you felt at the time.
As you think of an old argument, you feel angry or frustrated all over again. It’s hard to move your life forward if you keep getting sucked into negative emotions of the past. If we carry lot of resentments, it gets in the way of our quality of life.
Another way to think of forgiving is to think of it as letting go. Even though some people may not “deserve” forgiveness, we don’t forgive them for their sake, we forgive for our own wellbeing. Forgiving the past can improve your quality of life, it can improve your happiness, and allow you greater clarity in moving forward. As we forgive others, we are better able
to move forward in our lives, without getting sucked into the negatives of the past.
1. Identify any positive lessons from the situation. Sometimes the positive lessons can be how to avoid such a situation in the future.
2. Fix the negative ideas. From negative experiences, we can take on negative ideas about life, the world, other people, or ourselves. Identify any negative ideas you picked up from the event and replace it with more positive and supportive ideas. For example, one client I had was going through a divorce and picked up on the idea that “relationships are painful,” which led her to avoid dating and getting involved. Instead of forming negative ideas, look at the ideas you took on from the situation and change them to ones that will be more positive and supporting.
3. Process the negative emotions. Get clear about what you felt from the event. Journaling about the event is helpful for identifying negative emotions and expressing your emotions about the situation.
4. Make a Choice. With the negative events we experience, sometimes it’s easy to feel like a victim. But, recognize that you can make a new choice. Say, “I choose to let this situation go.”
5. Change the memory with visualization. Imagine seeing the other people involved in the situation, and imagine yourself in a bubble of light (especially helpful for traumatic events as if the bubble is a shield or protection). See each of the people in their own bubble and imagine sending them back to themselves. Imagine seeing the situation as you would have liked to experience it. For example, if you had an argument with someone, imagine seeing the resolution of the argument. This changes how the brain codes the memory, so that when you remember the event, it will also have the information of the changed memory.
6. Call on your Higher Power. If you are having a difficult time letting go of the past event or the feelings of hurt, ask your higher power to help you release and let go of the situation. You only have to be willing to let go, and offer it up to your higher power.
Holly Stokes, The Brain Trainer, works with clients all across the U.S. to Get More Of What You Want Out of Life! Whether Life Happiness, Weight Loss, Love and Relationships or Business Success, she uses Life Coaching for creating clarity and direction with your goals, and “brain training” to set up your mind for success with motivation and focus to achieve what you want.