All Articles Tagged "relationships"

How Women Make Themselves Unhappy In Relationships

August 29th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

Once a relationship begins, her apartment has never seen day without the Swiffer, and she is the only woman who not only is aware of “Steak and BJ” day, but celebrates it with the enthusiasm as a child on Christmas morning. On top of that, she is oh so easy doing. She has noticed that you never opened the car door for her and occasionally break plans–maybe after football/basketball/baseball/foosball season is over, she tells herself, you will become more attentive.

After a few trysts together, you wake up to see half her makeup smeared in the pillow, and a clip in weave track stuck to the sheets. You drag yourself into the kitchen with sleep in your eye hoping she can still at least appeal to your stomach, but she never actually learned how to use that waffle iron proudly displayed on the counter top. You really don’t mean to, but you furl your eyebrows and mumble something when you see half the woman he met standing in front of you, the other half of her face and hair still in bed, and first time, don’t smell bacon frying. Now, the rest of this scene plays out according to what type of woman you are dealing with: she may say “sorry” and in turn make you feel like a slave driver, or she may just begin making hot grits with an ominous grin.

Nothing remains constant, no one is who they say they are or who want to be at every given moment, any snide comment in that situation can read as judgment. However, please keep in mind that you are a complete a**hole–you may be victim of bamboozlement.

It would be irresponsible to make that statement without quickly touching upon the fact that women and girls are victims too. We have been taught by society and Mattel what it means to be the perfect woman. Even in this progressive era, many women still internalize varying ideologies of what we think men want. “The ideal woman…is perhaps so far above the reality of women’s lives that women themselves will continue to struggle and struggle but never attain it” concludes Jennifer Holt, author of “The Ideal Woman”. Consequently, before you have to opportunity tell her she’s desirable without having to be a Barbie/Nicki Minaj hybrid, she already is afraid you’ll find out she’s not.

Read more about relationship issues at SingleBlackMale.org 

8 Reasons You Might Have To Break Up Even If You’re Still In Love

August 22nd, 2014 - By Julia Austin
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Some believe the hardest types of breakups are the ones filled with hatred and yelling, but imagine having to leave someone you still felt immensely happy with, close to and in love with? It may happen one day and here are a few reasons you might have to break up even if you’re still in love.

“Your Captions Be Deep, But You Shallow As A Puddle” Reasons Why Men Avoid Cuffing Season

August 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

We are one weekend away from Labor Day. That’s right it’s all over. The fun that we had from Spring until now is ending. Soon the trees will change from green to brown. Galoshes will replace sandals. Boyfriend sweaters will replace summer dresses. And, rooftop rendezvouses will all but cease to exist. As the seasons change in the direction of cooler temperatures it comes to everyone’s attention that they should start thinking about who they will be hibernating with this winter. There may a small chance for a autumn tryst but that’s risky because that can still leave you lonely in the colder winter months.

Who am I kidding? Avoid getting cuffed at all costs! I’ve been saying this for years!

Although many people believe that Cuffing Season is a good thing, I’ve always thought it was the absolute worst thing that ever happens in dating. Everybody temporarily lowers their standards almost as though they have a relationship amnesty week and ends up shacking up with a person that they probably would never give the time of day otherwise. You waste anywhere from 3 to 6 months of someone’s precious time in a pseudo-relationship that really doesn’t exist because it’s only a cuffing* relationship.

* – That means that you are not really in a relationship. Do not expect to meet each other’s friends and family, do not expect a key, do not expect priority over existing plans, invitations to weddings, really great sex (you know the type that comes with a commitment that you’re going to stick around), and should either of you find another “cuff” that you want to join… there’s no penalty. Your relationship is basically a month-to-month lease.

Continue reading why you should avoid cuffing season at SingleBlackMale.org 

The Love Is Good But Is It Good To You?: 15 Celebrities Who Should Get Out Now

August 21st, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Have you ever loved someone who was all the way wrong for you? These celebrities are sacrificing their careers, their families and their happiness for the ones they love. So their fans are saying “get out now” and things will get better.

Phaedra Parks

Are you team #Phaedra’sdivorce? Is marriage still supposed to last forever if he’s a twice convicted felon and suspected cheater?

That’s Why He Didn’t Call Back? 15 Things He Won’t Tell You About Yourself

August 20th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Ever wondered why he never called you back? Or why that relationship ended out of nowhere? Men aren’t great at saying what’s on their mind, but don’t believe him when he says there’s nothing on it. Here are 15 things he won’t tell you about yourself.

Things He Won't Tell You

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You Should Keep the Hedges Trimmed

It’s a matter of perspective. If you had a regular view of the work area, you’d probably be more diligent about keeping it relatively clear. Nothing wrong with taking a hand mirror and asking yourself if it couldn’t use a little clearing.

Experts Say Your Fears May Be Keeping You Single

August 19th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Debi Berndt, From YourTango 

Do you feel that no matter what you do, nothing seems to work out for you in your love life? The years are passing and you fear that you will be spending the rest of your life alone. Sometimes the fear is so great that you break down and get triggered after a bad date or someone you liked fell away. Your fearful ego is driving your efforts and, instead of finding love, you are getting the opposite.

You can have the best vision board, visualize your ideal partner twice a day, have the best online profile pictures, go on four dates a week with the best dating lines, but if all of your efforts to find love are based in fear, you will create more of what you fear rather than what you really want.

 Most people misunderstand that it isn’t what you are doing that is pushing love away but how you are being. I am not talking about behavior and proper dating etiquette, but about the energy you are putting into your actions.

Your thoughts and feelings drive your actions that give you the results in your life. So, if you thoughts and feelings are filled with the fear of being alone, that fear is driving all of your actions and giving you what you fear, not the love you really want.

 

 Here is a quick self-test. If you had to wait one or two more years to meet your ideal partner, how would you feel about that? On a scale of 1-10, ten being the most fearful where do you fall when you think about your delay in finding love?

 

All that energy that could be going to creating love is going to protection and creating more fearful experiences in dating and relationships. Anytime you are creating from fear you are retreating in survival, not expanding to new experiences. You are playing not to lose rather than playing to win. Unconsciously, you will not take risks emotionally, you will sabotage opportunities and cling to familiar relationship patterns in desperation.

 

To overcome this fear of not finding love, you have to move toward it instead of running from it. Finding someone will not remove the fearful emotions; the new relationship will only magnify it. You don’t want to get into a relationship fearing that they will leave, walking on eggshells and filled with anxiety over how they feel about you. I am sure you have been there before. To find real love, you have to face the fear first.

 

Sit with this fear and examine it from outside of your body. Imagine it being a blob of energy and ask it why it does what it does. What does it really fear? How does it protect you? Why am I scared to be alone? You can also get into the feeling and journal these questions. You will be surprised as to the answers and insights you will receive.

Read more about love at YourTango.com 

Ladies, Stop Worrying About Getting Chose And Remember You Get To Choose Too

August 18th, 2014 - By Brande Victorian
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Getting Chose

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This weekend a friend of mine went on a quick weekend trip to visit a guy in another city who she’s been getting to know for the past year or so. Understandably, emotions — namely nervousness — were running high before she embarked on the three-day trip and it wasn’t long before she started sending me worried texts like “I don’t think he’s excited about seeing me,”  “I hope I’m not over-thinking things.” Of course, a conversation had to follow and as we chatted, my friend continued to make more comments along those lines as she discussed all the preparations she was making for the trip — waxing, packing her best outfits, getting her hair together– and her desire to make a good impression while not once considering the type of impression he might make. That personal narrative quickly turned into a general disgruntled rant about all the work women put in to looking their best in hopes of being visually appealing to a man, while men (presumably) sit back and simply enjoy the view. And that’s when I had to remind my girl that the trip she was taking wasn’t just about her solidifying this man’s interest in her, he also needed to be on his best behavior and do everything necessary to make sure he was appealing to her as well.

In this day and age of many want to be called, but few are chosen, women tend to forget that dating isn’t just about getting chose. We choose too — or at least we should be. I don’t need to remind you of all the books of endless relationship advice describing a man’s ideal woman and how to be that, but just because there’s not an equally robust collection of advice for men on how to not be on their worst behavior, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held to the standard of being your ideal man as well, whatever that looks like to you. I’m sure we can thank the past few years’ investigation into the statistics on single women, namely single Black women, for this “get chose” phenomenon in which a woman’s singleness has become a problem which it is solely our responsibility to fix. Hence, the obsession with looking like a video vixen just to pick up a pack of gum from the corner store and making sure you put it on him so he knows no one else’s sex is a good as yours. Those things in and of themselves aren’t necessarily bad, but what is troubling is the pressure we put on ourselves to be “the one” for someone else without putting an equal amount of thought into what “the one” looks like to us and whether the man in front of you measures up.

In this dating game, everyone should be striving to put their best foot forward. While the numbers on the available options for single Black women have some fellas out here feeling like a prize to be won, let’s not allow statistics to tip the scales solely in his favor. There’s nothing wrong with doing things within your own level of comfort to secure the affections of a man who has shown interest, but there is something wrong when you begin to obsess over being perfect, doing everything right, punishing yourself when things don’t work out, and assuming a failed romantic encounter means you did something wrong or you’re not good enough. Meanwhile on the other side of town ol’ boy is chilling. Of course when you look at singleness from the perspective of a problem that needs fixing,  you want to do any and everything to increase the odds of romantic success, but don’t forget 50% of that success rate is the responsibility of your suitor, and you need to be just as critical of how he presents himself as you are of yourself. Sure, everyone wants to get chose, but the more important thing is to be certain that you choose a man back – not out of fear that there aren’t more fish in the sea or you should be grateful a man like him took interest in you, but because he fits your own standards and makes it a point to be as appealing to you as you work to be for him.  Happy choosing!

Straight From His Mouth: Why Do People Confuse Jealousy With Caring?

August 18th, 2014 - By RealGoesRight
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Why Do People Confuse Jealousy With Caring?

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Emotions and the actions they spur are often colored by the perception of both the people doing them and those on the receiving end of said behavior. What one person considers romantic, another may consider corny. What one may consider a sweet gesture, the other might consider inappropriate. In a romantic relationship, there’s no clear cut way for any action to be taken, but one thing I’ve always found odd is the notion that jealousy is a viable method of showing someone cares.

Depending on how you view it, jealousy is an emotion and/or action. Some might say when they’re involved with someone in a romantic relationship, jealousy is a natural emotion as it comes from a place of protection. Heavily investing emotions into a person can make the investing party very protective of their situation, so one might feel they’re entitled to this emotion because so much is at stake. Jealousy, then, takes on a weird form where, instead of it simply being an emotion, it becomes an explanation for how a person shows they care. Therefore, any action taken from a standpoint of jealousy goes from something they wouldn’t ordinarily do to “I only act this way because I care so much about you.”

Others, and this is where I fall on the spectrum, feel jealousy is a wasted emotion. If a person is truly secure in their relationship, jealousy is unnecessary as there really isn’t a reason to be jealous. I’m not interested in having discussions about every single woman my girlfriend sees me with. I’m of the mind that I chose to be with her. I made that choice without any form of coercion or false pretenses. If she can’t trust the choice I’ve made to be with her, then we need to have a discussion about how we’re going to move forward. I tend to think jealousy is the result of a lack of or decrease in trust, and if the woman I’m with can’t trust that I’m doing right by her, she needs to find somewhere else to be and somebody else to be with.

In some sense, jealousy probably wouldn’t bother me as much if people didn’t make so many stupid decisions based on that feeling. For example, a man making an overwhelming amount of inquiries about other men talking to their girlfriend or a woman who decides she’s going to search her boyfriend’s phone in order to make sure he’s being faithful. Being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust defeats the purpose and speaking as someone who’s been in a relationship like that, it’s difficult to grow as a couple if you’re constantly being second guessed about every action and every person you’re speaking to. I understand that it’s quite threatening to think your mate might be more interested in someone else than he is in the relationship and, to some degree, I can see how those thoughts might cause folks to do something extreme in order to protect what they believe is theirs. But I’m steadfast in the belief jealousy comes from a place of insecurity and a lack of trust — neither of which make for a healthy relationship. Insecurity is something that can only be remedied by the insecure party and if a couple has trust issues to address, open communication is a far better problem solver than acting out under the guise of jealousy. We all know what truly being cared for looks like. If the behavior your partner displays to you comes across as anything less than that, address the issue head on instead of making nonsensical excuses for it.

#OhHellNo: 5 Ways To Cure Jealousy In Relationships

August 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Susie & Otto Collins, From YourTango 

Sam feels frustrated after a visit with his doctor. His blood pressure is high and he’s developing a stomach ulcer. None of these health conditions are a big surprise to Sam. He’s been super stressed for months and it’s largely because of all of his pent up feelings. It all started when Sam’s wife’s ex-husband moved back to their small town.

Because her ex is respected and loved by family, friends and community members, Sam has been repeatedly told how great this man is and how he’s such a wonderful father and an all-around fabulous guy.

 Hearing these stories and high praise always caused Sam to feel inferior and slightly threatened by his wife’s ex, but the feelings were always manageable because he lived in a different country. But now that he has returned home, it’s become impossible to deny. Sam feels like a nobody compared to this local hero, and the jealousy is taking a toll on Sam’s health — and on his marriage, too.

 

What triggers your jealousy?

 

 The answer is different for everyone.

 

For some, like Sam, jealousy rears its head when an ex is somehow in the picture. Maybe your partner regularly communicates with or spends time with an ex because the two share parenting of a child, or maybe because they’ve managed to remain friends. Perhaps you have come into contact with your partner’s ex and this sparks a painful comparison game in your mind. Or maybe all you have to do is think about them and all that you imagine brings up worry and fear that you don’t measure up or that your partner will leave you for him or her.

 

Another jealousy trigger can come up in social situations. Especially if your partner is more extroverted than you are or if he or she is a flirt, this can bring up jealousy in an instant. Even if your partner only has eyes for you, the cruel comparison game that you play in your mind is a trigger that will ruin the fun of a party or night out with your beloved.

Read more about curing your jealousy at YourTango.com 

8 Ways Women Find Out Their Boyfriends Still Talk To Their Exes

August 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male

Let’s be honest, many of us are friends with people we used to date. It’s a good thing and bad thing. If you’re not still emotional dependent on one another it can possibly work. Personally, I feel that if you can’t remain at least cordial with your exes then it speaks to the type of people you have dated in your past. In the fell chance that your significant other finds out about this relationship at random or unexpectedly then things can snowball quickly. Here’s a short list of things that can happen.

They get upset.
Finding out that your significant other is friends with their ex sounds like it shouldn’t be a problem but whenever your significant finds out something is going on behind their back they get upset.
They find out from your friend.
A late night of drinking, you guys stumble down the street and your roommate asks your significant other how they feel about you still hanging out with [INSERT EX’S NAME HERE]. At this point, you’re angry at your roommate for blurting this out. However, you’ve got bigger fish to fry now.
They find out when you mention it accidentally.
Then there was that time that you mention the cast of your last night at happy hour. Instead of stopping there you tell the account of how it came up that you and your “friend” used to date a few years ago. You may explain that you decided you were better off as friends but the damage is already done.
They don’t tell you.
Seems like an ideal situation. Wrong! Never underestimate silence, it’s usually followed by a calculated plot. Or, they back pocket the information and save it for a rainy day or get out of jail free card.

Read more about dating while being friends with an ex at SingleBlackMale.org