Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Steve Harvey might deserve an apology. Okay, maybe not all that, but we can back up off of him for a while and turn our attention to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. The ladies are the authors of The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, and they are getting ready to tap into women’s insecurities once again with a revamped version of the 1995 self-help book titled, Not Your Mother’s Rules. Here’s just a snippet of some of the things they advised women to do the first time around:

1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other”
2. Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
3. Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
4. Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
5. Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
6. Always End Phone Calls First
7. Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

I don’t really know what be a “creature” unlike any other means, but it sounds a little scary. After these sticklers, the ladies give a bit more practical advice like, don’t date a man, don’t open up to fast, don’t sleep with him too soon, etc., but without even reading the first edition of the book, the idea of having 35 revamped ideas on how to go about getting or keeping a man slightly makes my head spin. It reminds me of a conversation I was having with my best friend once. We were going on, and on, and on, and on about what ifs, should wes, I don’t knows, and a bunch of other extra-ness about some fools who weren’t even worth the time, and eventually I just stopped and said, “it’s not supposed to be this complicated.” In my mind, that’s about the only rule there is when it comes to dating, love, and getting married. When things start to get too complicated in a relationship, particularly too soon, and you wrestle with every decision related to the other person, that’s usually a sign you need to exit stage left.

Don’t get me wrong, there will be complicated situations but when you’re dealing with people, there honestly is no guidebook. Yes, men tend to be simplistic and there are a few basic things they all pretty much desire; however they are not all the same—or monoliths, since that’s the term everyone likes to use these days. You will literally drive yourself crazy and miss out on some opportunities trying to always end a conversation first and not returning someone’s phone call. Men like to chase, but it also doesn’t take them long to see someone isn’t interested (some of them anyway). While you’re playing around, tallying up how many missed calls you have, he’s probably somewhere meeting someone new. Plus, love, romance, and dating are supposed to be rooted in something beneficial being added to your life, not a problem you have to solve or a game you have to play. Nothing about following these rules sounds fun, inviting, or like a situation I’d want to sign up for. I have enough things I’m required to do as a simple American citizen. I don’t need any more.

When I think about this book, I get visions of “Two Can Play That Game in My Head,” you just can’t operate in a play-by-play fashion when it comes to different men and what works for different women. If you want to set some rules, come up with your own—that are realistic and less staunch. I think we call those standards. This right here is just a bit too much. I’d also like to point out the irony that like Steve, Ellen Fein has been married more than once. Wonder how she explained that away? She claimed that after having written a best seller and raising two children, she and her husband discovered they were two different people from the ones who fell in love. Eight years after her divorce in 2000, she remarried and said she followed The Rules to attract her second husband. I bet she did.

It usually doesn’t hurt to read tips or suggestions when we’re dealing with someone new. Sometimes we are genuinely clueless about a romantic encounter or situation and an outsider may have some wisdom to impart to us, but entrusting your entire love life to two women you never met and 35 rules with no room for bending? Nah. The only way I’d follow these rules is if it was some sort of experiment. Life throws all kinds of stuff at you, and you have to be flexible and respond according to individual circumstances—love is no different.

Have you ever checked out the rules? Do you think books like this are necessary?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Growing up I thought I knew everything there was to know about love, without ever remembering having been taught.

I didn’t want to accept that all men cheat. I didn’t want to have to almost take a bullet or put money in some guys’ commissary to know its love. I lived somewhere in between Bronx Tale and Poetic Justice and developed a love all on my own. But how can I know my love was healthy or true if no one ever taught me?

For a minute let us forget about the big L word and focus on the nuisances of love, what leads to love, the like process, the shacking up (if you choose to), how to make love, how to know that the love you’re making is good, etc. I was taught the ills, the pitfalls, the trickery that can come with love but as far as my momma was concerned, we didn’t need to talk about the good stuff or the many confusing things.

I don’t blame my mom, I love her dearly and in all honesty I don’t think she could’ve taught me because like myself I don’t believe she was ever taught, but why not? Most things in life I’ve learned; language, speech, applying makeup, mathematics but for some reason we think love and a like is a given.

A few months ago I decided to give my boyfriend a key to my place. This took months of scrutiny, though he was only getting the bottom lock; a conversation with my older sister had to happen, nights of anxiety transpired and still I felt uneasy about it. It wasn’t one of those, ‘my intuition is telling me something bad’ but more ‘how do I go about it?’ What does this mean for our relationship? And now that we’re practically living together –something I’ve never done before- how do I (semi) live with a man? Do I wake up with make-up on, a la Whitley on a Different world? Which bills does he pay? He’s offered to pay whichever bill I decide but which do I decide? Do I let him pay any bills at all? These may seem like questions someone younger than myself (flirty thirty) would be asking but I’ve never been in love like this before.

In a perfect world, before I ever met a fella and fell for him, my mom would have talked to me about a few things. We already know she would have covered, shiftlessness, shadiness and his falling short but would she have thrown in a few happy facts for the guy who made the cut? Here’s what I would hope my mother would go over:

1. He’s not always thinking about you- and that’s ok.

This funny thing happened with my man. He had a bad day, a few bad days and came home and made the blanket statement “everything in my life sucks right now.” I was blown, immediately I thought, “really, so my sheer presence isn’t enough to make you happy 24/7?” Yes and no. Yes, you represent happiness in his life but a man is going to have a bad day or few and you can’t fix it and more importantly, it’s NOT about you.

Source: yourblackworld.com

While talking to an older woman that I once worked with about relationships, she suggested that I write down all of the traits I wanted in my future husband. This list, she said, should even include those superficial things that I wanted in a man. She then told me to read over the list anytime I needed a reminder and most importantly ‘don’t bend’ on the requirements. Although I usually take heed to the advice given by older women, now two years later after revisiting the list that I had created full of superficial qualities and all, my single self has suddenly realized that a little bending won’t hurt; and most importantly there comes a time when a girl must learn to compromise, even on her precious list.

Although a firm believer in women, or anyone for that matter, not settling when it comes to relationships, there is a difference in settling and compromising. Settling means going against everything you feel, want, and believe in order to be in a relationship. Compromising means to bend a little on some things of lesser value (height, size, looks, etc.) and instead focus more on those things of greater value that a man may possess.  And while everyone’s definition of settling will vary because we all place greater importance on different things, my basis for not settling means to not bend on those things that go against my values and my happiness. And at this point in my life, everything else is up for debate, even the Boris Kodjoe lookalike that I anticipated meeting one day.

I often consider three things before compromising my list of requirements. First, I ask myself how does he make me feel? There have been times when I actually enjoyed spending time with a man but blocked my feelings from progressing because he didn’t look good on paper.

For instance, he made me laugh and genuinely cared about me, but he was two inches too short from what I considered acceptable and he had a laugh that sounded more like a giddy school girl than a grown man.  Plus he wasn’t the cutest guy out there.  So although I enjoyed spending time with him, I let my superficial requirements persuade me otherwise. Of course, you can never base decisions on mere feelings, but now when someone makes me happy or I enjoy being around him, I at least open my mind to explore the possibility of a relationship.

I also consider if the things that I dislike about him are upgradeable. For instance, if I hate the way he dresses in public, is this something I can assist him with? If he at least has potential, there is room for compromise.

The other thing I consider before compromising is if he meets the core requirements I want in a man. These core requirements revolve around my morals and values. Basically, does he value family, have a spiritual background, and work hard, although he may not be rich in terms of wealth?

The reality is, if a man can make me happy, is respectful, and shares the same values that I have, I at least attempt to look over those superficial qualities that can’t solely make a relationship.  It’s important to know that looks alone won’t make you happy, but a man whose goal in life is to make you happy will.

I am not trying convincing you to ditch your infamous list of requirements. Nor am I suggesting that you marry someone who adores you but you can’t stand the presence of him. I am only suggesting that you consider compromising on some of the things that won’t make or break your relationship, keeping in mind that it’s never a good idea to settle, but instead compromise. And trust me, there is a big difference.

Steve Harvey has a 90 day rule, some women wait til marriage and others do what they feel, completely scraping the numbers. We’re not here to judge. People should do what they’re most comfortable with. But just because we’re not judging, doesn’t mean we aren’t curious. We took to the streets of New York to see what the people on the street had to say.

You’ll have to forgive me. As a young lady in her early 20s who has spent a lot of time focused on school and work over the years, I haven’t done a whole lot of dating. Sure, I’ve had a few boyfriends, a serious one or two, but most of those men were friends first. Therefore, there was no “Let’s exchange numbers, go on a few dates, play coy about who was going to call who when, and finally either get booed up or the boot.” The rules and etiquette of the dating game have gone over my head for a good minute, but now that I’m in NYC, it’s something I see that I need to learn thoroughly. So maybe that’s why I wanted your opinion on a certain scenario that happened to me not too long ago…

So, I met this very interesting and pretty good looking guy whose air of confidence and good vibrations was pretty infectious. His mother was Jamaican and his father was Nigerian (Nice mix, right?), and he was tall, dark and handsome. On top of that, he was into writing too, but actually spent a majority of his time as a theater actor in smaller productions. As a transplant to NYC, he reminded me of a starving (though he wasn’t) artist from the movies and TV who could bring dope conversation. And he did. After exchanging numbers, we could talk for hours on end about a little bit of everything. He was one of those “Hey Beautiful, how are you?” type of guys, instead of one of those “Hey” or “Whats gud” types (yes, the error was on purpose..I’ve seen it). I was excited about the prospect of getting to know him better, but I laid out from our very first conversation (let’s say it was a Monday) that my schedule was no joke. I work pretty hard and pretty long on this site, so when the day is through, I’m ready to be through too. Because of that, I asked if we could meet up on Saturday until I could decide whether or not he was worth making some exceptions for during the week (I didn’t tell him that last part of course). He said he understood and agreed, but the reality was, he really didn’t.

In fact, every day for a week this guy called me or text me at work and asked if we could meet up on that specific day: “Hey, I cooked some food, you want to stop by?” “I have a show tonight, do you want to come through and watch?” I don’t mind being spontaneous, but during that specific week, I was working late most of the days of the week. With earlier notice, I possibly could have budged, but because I didn’t know him well enough (and wasn’t comfortable being in his place yet) and because we’d already agreed on Saturday, I politely said thanks, “but I’m still at work.” That excuse was used on on top of the fact that borough hopping after work and being far away from my own home late in the evening also didn’t excite me. Long subway rides when you’re tired suck. But he didn’t get the memo. He kept texting me each day about how he really wanted to see me, and at one point, I felt that I was being pressured rather than being politely asked. I would just say, “Remember, we’re hanging out on Saturday, right? Do you mind if we just wait until then?” He would pretend like he was okay with that. That was of course until Saturday came.

After the last thanks-but-no-thanks, I got the feeling he was perturbed with me. Therefore, when Saturday came around and the hours started passing, I wasn’t surprised that I hadn’t heard anything from him. When I called him, there were no more “Hey Beautifuls” for me, just straight up irritation: “What’s up?”

Oh, okay, I see how it’s going to be I thought to myself…

When I asked him if we were still kicking it or if he had other plans, SURPRISE, he all of a sudden had something come up. A friend that he does theater with needed his help with a screenplay, and for some reason, it became a last minute emergency. I giggled when he told me about his new plan, you know, because it was bulls***,  and in a way that I knew we both would understand, I said, “Okay then, bye.” Bye as in, it was fun while it lasted. Kind of.

Now when I talked to my mother about the situation after-the-fact, she broke down that I probably came off too rigid for him. Because I wasn’t willing to eat pancakes at his house when he asked or stay out late when I had to get up at the crack of dawn for work, I was too stuck in my ways and wasn’t going to be much fun. For a minute there, I could understand what she meant. So for the next few suitors, I tried to make myself more available (although I would show up to dates exhausted…so tired that I would yawn nonstop). But then again, I thought to myself, “I asked him if Saturday was okay, and he agreed that it was!” Keyword: AGREED. As in, Saturday, was what we agreed upon together. However, when it wasn’t anymore (and he didn’t bother to just say that), he decided to try and pressure me every day to do what he wanted to do at the drop of a hat. When he couldn’t understand my reservations about doing so, or my schedule for that matter, he copped an attitude and was too through with my rigid a**. So now I’m trying to figure out if he was doing too much, or if I was doing too little? And oh yeah, us meeting, talking, and falling out, happened in the span of one week…

Should I have tried to be more flexible, or should he have stuck with our original plan?

Have you ever heard of a “vacation relationship”? The concept can apply to a few things. It can apply to when you get into a mini-relationship with someone when you are on an actual vacation (think Dirty Dancing), it can happen when you are in a long distance relationship with someone and whenever you visit one another, neither of you works but you just put aside time to have fun with each other and it can be applied to a college relationship. What do all of these scenarios have in common? They don’t take place in the real world, where any real pressures are taking a toll on the relationship. It can be quite a reality shock when “the vacation” (college) ends and you try to take your relationship into the real world. Here’s how:

glamour.com

We’ve all heard the cliché that “change is good.” Sometimes it really is. And then there are times when change is not. But what we never seem to realize is that there is always a “good” in a goodbye.

Saying goodbye to something or someone that you love is hard and heartbreaking. We never want to end something that we depend on, whether it’s good for us or not. However there are some benefits to saying bye-bye. Although these reasons may not make sense until your goodbye has grown old, you will nonetheless appreciate the good in it.

Here is what you can look forward to….

Starting Over

New beginnings are always something to celebrate. Having the chance to do something different and allowing yourself the opportunity to change into a better individual is something to look forward to. Plus starting over is like getting a do over. You can repeat your last experience with much more wisdom.

Appreciation of what matters

There is much truth in the saying “you don’t appreciate anything until it’s gone.” When we lose something or someone, we begin to realize what really matters in our lives.

Lessons Learned

The best teachers are lessons. Whatever we learn from a situation, we can use for the next chapter of our life experiences. Letting go teaches us a lot about ourselves that we will forever hold on to.

Embracing Change

Whether we want to or not, we learn to accept change. The ebb and flow of life is filled with ups’ and down’s so learning to live with the good and bad only makes life much easier.

So Woman to Woman,  don’t be afraid to say goodbye…embrace it.

Want to talk to me Woman to Woman or have a topic you would like addressed? Email me at rhooks@madamenoire.com or follow me on twitter @rashanahooks

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It’s so easy for things to go out of style and for others to be in denial about it. In the entertainment business, what’s hot one minute can go out of style with the quickness the next. And while most viewers or consumers might express that they’re tired of seeing something, as long as it makes somebody a few dollars, it’s sure to be around for a while–whether you like it or not. But it never hurts to b***h about it, right? That’s what I’m here for…

Source: thejasminebrand.com

People With Little to No Talent on My TV

And they’re making mad money! Call me jealous (I am…just a bit) about it all, but with all the talented people I see on the trains alone in NYC trying to get some attention and a few dollars, it makes me somewhat irritated that folks who can’t hold a note, act for s**t, or do something other than act a fool in Louboutins on reality TV are making all the money and taking all the jobs. Who needs to be talented when you can writhe around on the floor butt naked in an unimaginative music video while singing/yelling/yodeling and go platinum because of it? Right?

afreeimages.com

Women primp and shop to look their best in an effort to get a man and keep him. She’ll make sure her mind is right and body is tight, never missing a beat. She’ll articulate herself and be full of class.  With all that effort, it would be hard for a man not to take notice…right? Wrong! There are a few things that men just don’t care enough about. If you enjoy doing these things, keep it up but know that those efforts are for your own pleasure because he really just couldn’t care any less. The average man would agree that these are items he can’t be bothered with. Let the exhibition begin…

It’s been said that love is a dangerous necessity, a world class mystery.  No one is its master. Perhaps one can suppose that as doctors practice medicine and as attorneys practice the law, that individuals merely practice love.  As people hop in and out of relationships in search of love, it can certainly be said then that there is no one right way to behave in a relationship.  But while we acknowledge that no cookie cutter formula exists and that no absolute, definitive road to successful relationships has been paved, let us not be remiss in thinking that there are not approaches to relationships that we can absolutely and definitively file in the dead wrong department.

I’ve listened a lot lately to people speak about their relationships.  And while I, frankly, am much more comfortable in the platonic lane these days, I love love.  It creates great joy in my heart to see people who truly desire to be in committed relationships hopelessly and effortlessly in real love with people they’ve entrusted their hearts to.  As such, I’ve been struck by how frequently people are admitting that they remain in relationships not out of love but out of fear—fear that although they are not truly happy, that what they currently have just might be as good as it gets for them.

Some women remain with men who they aren’t excited about because they treat them well and have the ability to be great providers for their families.  Some men remain with insecure women who lack emotional maturity because they possess all the physical attributes that keep them visually and physically stimulated.  I’ve had women admit that there isn’t much compatibility between them and the man they’re dating, but say, “But I’ve never had anyone treat me this well before.”  I’ve also had men admit that it is hard to get past their woman’s childish and insecure ways but say, “But I’ve never had a woman who was on my level professionally AND came in a package that looked like this before.”  These same men and women have been extremely apprehensive to walk away from relationships that really aren’t working because they’re afraid that they may not be able to find the highly desirable traits they have in their partners with other people.

I certainly understand that there are those who come along and break the mold.  They are game changers, and once the game’s been changed, there really is no going back.  But ladies and gentlemen, we have to acknowledge that the mere fact that someone is a good catch does not always make them a great catch for us.  You can’t hold on to someone because they are the best you’ve had so far and you’re afraid that you won’t find someone comparable if you let them go.  Well, you can, but you probably shouldn’t.  Happiness is paramount, and if you aren’t truly happy…you can’t force it.

I am a firm believer that people can have whatever it is they believe they can have.  If you believe a person that you really should leave is the best you may ever have, it’s likely you’ll never have better.  But imagine what possibilities would exist if you’d rather choose to believe that if you had it once, you can have it again…and maybe even better?  Imagine who could come into your life if you’d simply change your perspective?  Instead of having the attitude that you may be losing out on a good thing, use your experiences with this man or woman as proof that people like him or her do indeed exist and that they happen to be attracted to you.  Although your current relationship won’t last, you know now that a relationship with a man who treats you extremely well is possible.  Or, you recognize that your bad chick game has just been upgraded.  You can rest in that and move on with joyful anticipation of what is to come.

When you find the person who truly melts your butter, we’ve agreed and voted that you make your own rules in your practice of love.  But, let’s agree right now that this whole staying in relationships because you’re scared of the what-ifs business is wack and should be filed away in the dead wrong department we talked about earlier. Why? So you can give yourself a chance to truly be happy.  Pinky swear?

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