All Articles Tagged "relationships"
In a perfect world, men would always tell us how they feel. If they wanted to date us they would say, “I like you.” If they weren’t feeling our advances they would say, “I don’t like you.” And the world would turn as usual.
But that’s not what happens. Sure, men tend to do a good job of letting us know they want to be more than friends, but when they don’t — let the games begin! Make that the shenanigans! Here are all the shady things men do when they’re not interested instead of telling us the truth. If you see any signs of the behavior listed below, slowly back away from the man in question and set your eyes on a new beau.
Another day, another need for someone to give bizarre dating advice so attaining love feels even more elusive.
Journalist Anna Davis wrote an article for The New York Post explaining why sharing your real name on a first date was so five minutes ago. Her reasoning? Ask Rachel Charlupski. The aforementioned subject was getting ready for a first date when she became bombarded with text messages from a potential love interest. “‘Hey! I’m sure you’re super busy with work and you sound really successful. Are you sure you had meant to match with me?’ the message read as the man continued to cite specifics about the 31-year-old Chelsea resident’s career — including her recent mention in a Forbes article — making it clear that he had Googled his potential match,” Davis wrote.
Rachel responded the best way any millennial could: she blocked her match and vowed from that day forward to never give a date her real name. “Everyone Googles everyone. I do it, so I know [guys do] it,” Charlupski told Davis, but the reason why she blocked her matched after he researched her is because she hates talking about her high-profile childcare business in social settings. “I love my job, but I hate talking about it in a social setting. And whenever a man knows what I do, and the fact that my clientele includes VIP athletes, that’s all he wants to discuss,” she revealed. Charlupski continued to share that she gives barely any information about herself until she feels she and her match(es) are compatible. But Charlupski isn’t alone in this new dating trend, Sandra LaMorgese, a holistic practitioner who moonlights as a dominatrix told The New York Post that she’s even slept with dates before sharing her real name. Her reasoning: “I like hiking and yoga; people describe me as vanilla. But as soon as a man realizes I’m a dominatrix, the conversation is all sex, all the time. I want him to get to know the other parts of me.”
Dr. Dion Metzger, author of The Modern Trophy Wife, told Davis that lying to protect one’s identity is becoming more common and even a smart move because researching people is the new norm in the digital age. And some like Blogger Melani Robinson believe that Google searching a date is a breach of trust. “I’ve written about getting a bikini wax, but that’s never something I’d bring up to someone I just met. But when someone reads it before they meet me, they assume that’s first date conversation,” Robinson told The Post.
I understand why someone like Sandra only gives her nickname to dates because of her moonlighting profession. I, too, would be annoyed if someone only wanted to talk about sex on a first date. However, I doubt I would spend the entire evening with a first date if all he wanted to talk about was “what that mouth do.” As for Charlupski and Robinson, they both seem to feel more important than they really are.
Instead of the immature move of blocking her match who revealed that he Google searched her, Rachel could have responded with a witty remark on why she swiped right on the bachelor— same goes for Robinson. If someone actually wants to discuss how you remove unwanted hair at the dinner table you have two options: change the direction of the conversation or kindly excuse yourself.
When I asked my co-workers how they felt about giving fake names on a first date, one shared that she would never do it and if someone decided to follow this new trend, she would think they have something severe to hide like a criminal record, wife or children.
Another’s concern was the upkeep of the lie. For example, if someone calls your cell phone you would have to explain why the name on the voicemail doesn’t match the name you gave and you would have to avoid discussing personal achievements which really helps you impress and connect with a mate.
Honestly, I feel like this new trend and so many others give people a reason to lie and play games at the beginning of a relationship. This continues the perception that dating is so hard when it really doesn’t have to be. To quote the ancient African-American proverb: It ain’t that deep.
Raise your hand if you’ve accidentally fallen for the wrong man. Plenty of us have been involved with guys who said they were good men, but really, just pretended to be. And while there are some good catches out there, sometimes certain “good” men just aren’t good for you.
Thankfully, some red flags are easy to spot in the beginning if you know where to look. One good way to find them? Put a man through a few tests before you decide to let your guard down and let him in.
These are the signs I would recommend looking out for when meeting someone new. Do you have your own quizzes to put him through before you call him your boo? Share them with us in the comment section so we can all put our antennas up before we get in too deep.
The Shoe Test
Long before the first date, check out a man’s shoes to find out what you need to know about the way he carries himself.
It’s very clear that Lil Wayne and Toya Wright, his only wite to date and mother to his first child, still share a very strong connection. They always come together when it’s time to celebrate their daughter Reginae. I can’t recall a time when I heard him speak ill of her publicly. And after the recent passing of her brothers, Lill Wayne was visibly by her side during and even a bit after. So, perhaps it should come as no surprise that there’s still a lot of love there.
And in Toya’s forthcoming memoir, In My Own Words: My Reality” an excerpt of which was obtained by our sister site Bossip, we see just how much.
A message from Wayne: Hey fat sry for hittin u so early but I’m up at work as usual and I wanted u to know something that u may not know…& pls don’t respond to this msg but keep it forever kuz it’ll ALWAYS be true.
I want u to know that no matter what woman or relationship I involve myself with, I look for u or a piece of u inside that woman. And why I do that is bekuz we are only creatures of habit and accustomed to what we know and believe, & what we know and believe to be love is what we learn when we first experience it, & for me that experience was with u…
First, I thought the message was really heartfelt and incredibly sweet. And I still do. But then I wondered if other people, specifically other women felt like this. So a crafted a quick group chat thread.
I asked six friends: What do you think about the notion of looking for qualities of your first love in everyone else you date afterward? Yes, no? And why or why not?
V: Qualities or signs that I DON’T want in other people tbh. Look for him so I can avoid him lol
Other than that I think it is limiting
Me: [escalating gif]
Coco: PTSD just reading that question lol
B: lol I agree with “V” that you look for qualities to avoid but you also I think aware of the things you liked and seek those as well. And then there’s the physical aspect too (if you are always limiting yourself to a particular type, whether subconsciously or intentionally)
And then I think too, what impacted your choice in your first love as well? What was the example in your life that led you to him but that may be another topic lol
And V it couldn’t have been all bad, you know something kept you for awhile!
Me: Right! She’s simplifying quite a bit.
J: Hmm tbh I think it is kinda limiting but it also depends on what you’re looking for. Like, I still like the fact that my ex is a kind person who really wants to make a difference in the world…but that doesn’t mean I’m only gonna date someone who wants to make a difference in the exact way my ex does. I think you have to open yourself up to good qualities that may (and probably should) manifest differently in a different person
Me: I feel that J! Thank you!!
J: Yaaasss girl!
A: Not at all! I was so young and who I wanted then is very different from the kind of man I want now
V: Nah it wasn’t all bad. It was my first love so there were definitely good times. But when I think about looking for him in others it’s more the qualities that I am trying to avoid.
J: But I def see what you’re saying V because there are other qualities of his that I run from if I see them in someone else 😑✋🏾🙅🏾
V: Mm hmm
J: We were together for a reason but we broke up for a reason too
C: Hey Ladies!!
A: In my second major relationship he had a terrible relationship with his mother and I didn’t realize how major that red flag was until much later
C: I think that men (and some women) often have more than one person because each individual brings something different to the table and have different qualities the other may not. So if one has a loving heart, the other can cook, clean, better sex, etc. To look for all of the ideal traits in one person is rare for some. So when they find that they put that woman on a pedestal as the standard of what to look for. If he wants Toya’s traits (the full package in his eyes) in each woman he dates then he may never find it, because no two people are alike and everyone does things differently.
Me: And for you personally, C?
C: Yea, same concept applies to my life..Lol.. I’d have to literally custom build a man. Not my first love, but there are qualities I’ve seen in different people I’ve dated I wish the other had. I have yet to get all the qualities in one, not even my first love had them all.
Me: I’ll answer as well so y’all don’t feel like I’m taking without sharing…I would definitely say I was looking for someone to amplify and CONSISTENTLY make me feel how I occasionally felt with my first love: valued, admired, respected. I wanted someone who could make me laugh like he did. The problem with him is that he was/is just too wayward and I never knew which version of him I’d get! Smh. So to your point V I learned–after too long– that inconsistency is not something I could fix. So any inkling of that, I gotta go.
V: Preach, preacher
So, now I pose the same question to you all, do you look for your ex in the next person you date? Is that a good strategy or does it limit your dating pool? Also do you use your ex as more of what you do NOT want versus what you do?
Heartbreak is arguably one of the worst feelings one can experience. After the emotional turbulence, I reflect on how I ended up alone again after having such high hopes. Did I ignore any red flags? Was I too eager? After being ditched one too many times I had to take a deep look at myself and ask, “Am I causing this?” I’m not saying the men who have devastated me are innocent, but I have realized that I have bad habits that continuously lead me to checking in to heartbreak hotel. Being heartbroken can be crippling, but it can also be enlightening. Here are five things I have learned when I was let down while looking for love.
Don’t fall in love with potential
The person you first meet will not be the person you fall in love with. Underneath the charm, good looks and exciting conversation there could be a creep. After getting my heart crushed too many times I’ve learned to take things day by day when dating because you never truly know who you are dealing with in the beginning. I would notice signs that I was dealing with a douche but I wanted to still give him a chance because of the redeeming qualities and well, the potential. Potential isn’t all that telling when it comes to a person’s level of integrity and character.
The importance of closure
The last guy that broke my heart left me hanging. No goodbye, no reason, nothing. Not knowing why the person I spoke to everyday disappeared on me put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I wondered if something happened to him, if I did something hurtful and was not aware or if I had just gotten played yet again. I didn’t want to believe the latter, because why would he hurt me after I told him what I been through? After I contacted him from another number two months later, I finally got my answer, and also gave him an earful about the added emotional damage he caused. Having that closure helped me know to move on. I let go of the false hope that maybe he would re-emerge and we could start over. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear but it was what I needed.
Have no expectations
When you’re falling for someone you assume they’re falling for you too. That’s where the expectations kick-in. Expecting good morning texts, phone calls and dates every weekend got me in trouble and brought on loads of disappointment. That man doesn’t have to text you or even take you out. He’s not obligated to. Your communication with him does not have to be daily. People have lives, but people make time for what they want, especially men. If things are not official, then don’t expect anything from him.
Take It Slow
Having a strong connection with a potential beau can be exciting and lead to moving too fast. I sure did. No man can deny that I was caring and sweet, but now I know that I was giving men attention and time that they didn’t ask for or want. I was all in when they were still deciding whether they were taking me seriously. Now I know not to commit myself to a man until he asks for that commitment.
Let the man take charge
If that man wants you, he will pursue you. Looking too eager or dominating the courtship can push a man away. I would often initiate dates or even call when I wasn’t being called at all. Things cannot be one sided. Now I know to sit back and let the man show me that he wants to be around.
This past weekend, the hashtag #ForeverDuncan went viral. It brought many of us joy and had us crafting our own #relationshipgoals in our minds. As we previously reported, “on October 1, 2016, Alfred decided to do something special for Sherrell. Alfred, a Grammy and Emmy nominated artist, proposed to Sherrell, a fitness trainer and speaker, at noon and married her at 5 p.m. in National Harbor, Maryland.”
Because of Alfred’s lavish and grand gesture, we started thinking about all of the other couples whose love we love and who make us continuously believe in the power of it. Two is definitely better than one! Take a look at our favorite pictures of couples who’ve shared their story via social media. They are getting engaged, expecting a baby, tying the knot or just enjoying each other’s company and giving us serious #relationshipgoals. Love is a beautiful thing, ladies and gents.
Moving in together means getting to know each other very well. When you get on each other’s nerves, you can’t run away to cool off. Not to mention that all of the little quirks that were once cute can become a pain in the butt. No one will tell you these things about sharing space with your significant other ahead of time, but we thought they were important for you to know. The key to keeping things copacetic is keeping the following things in mind.
Keep the Bathroom Door Closed
We’ve all seen the adorable rom-com moment where he’s brushing his teeth and she pops in for a little tinkle.
That is not cute in real life.
The mystery is what keeps things sexy in the long run. Not everything that goes on behind closed doors is adorable to see. Unless you’re ready to answer “Babe, why did you close the door this time?” with “Waxing something personal,” it’s better to keep a closed-door policy from jump.
I read something really interesting the other day: Love isn’t always about luck; it’s about setting a goal and reaching it.
As women, it’s easy for us to fall into the habit of waiting for love to happen to us. It’s the men that do the approaching and it’s our job to be ready when it happens.
But even if you like a man to make the first move, there are lots of ways to make sure you’re in his cross hairs when he’s ready to make that happen.
Putting love on your To Do list means making time in your schedule to make love a priority — and thinking a little outside of the box.
We’ve all heard of the Freshman 15, but did you know that the relationship 15 is also a thing? Recent studies have found that women are 63% more likely to put on weight when they’re in a relationship compared to when they’re single.
Spend enough time with a man and his eating habits tend to affect yours. After date night, Netflix and chill (and order in) and the meals you cook for him, the calories can add up.
Thankfully the relationship 15 doesn’t have to be inevitable. There’s a way to get comfortable with your new boo and still fit into the dress you wore on your first date. It just takes a little man-proofing for your diet.
You’re the person your boss goes to when he needs someone to put in extra hours during the week. Your sister knows she can count on you to pick up her kids or her dry cleaning, and your roommates have started expecting the apartment to be spotless because they know you will pick up after them.
When you’re very dependable, some people can become a little too dependent on you. So when everyone needs you to do everything, how do you get back some time for yourself and tell them no? Setting boundaries when it comes to your boss or even your BFF can be hard. But go into the conversation with a game plan and things don’t have to get that awkward, or worse — ugly.