Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Do you have a lot of male friends? That’s fine! It’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. They can give you insight into the mind of man, and they can be adorably protective in a big brother way. But, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from just caring about each other as friends, friends with their own partners at that, and instead, find yourself having an emotional affair?

Taking cues from romantic comedies and applying them to your real love life is always a risky proposition. After all, can you really expect things in real life to play out the same way they do in movies?

Well, yeah, you can. That’s the great thing about living! But if you’re not careful you could end up emulating idealistic behavior and circumstance based on a work of fiction. Ultimately you end up using real life to imitate art without the multi-million dollar backing of a Hollywood production to make sure your story has a happy ending.

Imagine the scores of middle-aged women who booked flights to the Carribbean to get their groove back, inspired by Terry McMillan’s novel and the resulting film, only to be struck with the post-happy ending reality: Stella’s “groove” is actually better suited for something closer to a Steve.

But in the beginning art does imitate life and if we go through your favorite love stories with a fine-tooth combed and monocle trained on realism, we’re certain to find those undeniable truisms that peaked your interest in the first place.

Here are the love lessons learned from Brown Sugar:

by Marissa Ellis

Dating is not for everyone. The thought of meeting someone, going out on a series of interviews dates, with the pressure linging overhead of figuring things out within a matter of a few months is enough to turn someone like me off from the whole game. Am I supposed to know within three months whether I want to invest in another soul, make future life plans with him and enter into a sexual relationship? Yeah, I guess so. Most people follow that scenario faithfully.

Although it does leave me with limited options, I opt to know someone as a friend first. Basically, that eliminates the chances of me meeting someone at a random place. In the past, I have met people at work and through friends. In a work setting, you have the chance to communicate with somoene as a colleague. And when meeting someone through a friend, it’s much easier to strike up a casual friendship. I take commitment very seriously which is why I don’t like leaving things up to chance if I can help it. And by help it, I mean getting to know the other person very well before I enter into a pact to love and nurture him. As friends, you get to know the person without the facades; you get to know the person for who they are and not what they’re trying to impress you with.

Ironically enough, I first met my current boyfriend at a bar. We went out on a few dates before I decided that I wasn’t interested enough or comfortable enough to pursue it further. After all, when someone else is paying the bill for all your get-to-know-each-other excursions, it just adds to the uncomfortable pressure of figuring things out fast. Once I told him that I wasn’t sure about dating, he wanted to remain friends. And that we did, for a whole year before we decided to try dating again. During that platonic time, I got to know him as a person and really became attracted to him without any external pressures.

As much as I’m celebrating the friends first approach, I know it’s not for everyone. What works for you? Have you ever successfully enforced the friends first rule? Or do you prefer the straight-up approach to dating?

More on Madame Noire!

• What’s With Some Black Women’s Fascination With Marilyn Monroe?
• The Dark Side of Being Jealous in Love
• Ask A Very Smart Brotha Live: A*sholes & Disappearing Acts
• Undercover Brothers: Not-So-Famous Brothers of Famous Celebs
• What The Heck Happened To You: What Lost Celebs Look Like Nowadays
• Hair Q&A: Good Weave Hair and Flat Iron Recommendations
• 7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You
• Say Cheese! Unfortunate Yet Unforgettable Celebrity Mug Shots

If you’re in your 50’s and he’s in his 70’s, no big deal. And lucky him by the way. You’ve both basically done all the personal growth you’re going to do. You’ve both gotten your wilder years out of the way, and you’ve both lived full lives with satisfying careers and plenty of travel (hopefully). But, when you’re younger, every year, even every half year, changes come, meaning different concerns, different priorities and overall different mentalities. You want someone whose knowledge and experience will complement—even supplement—your own. And it’s a very particular aged man who can do that. To be a cougar or try your hand with an older man? If you miss the mark, you’ll be dealing with these issues:

I remember a “relationship” I had with a guy in college. I put relationship in quotes because we never quite made it to that point after months of talking and soon you’ll see why.

In school there’s typically parties almost every weekend and me and my friends were pretty much at one every week, as was he. After we’d see each other and speak, maybe have a dance or two, an odd “who can make the other more jealous” competition always seemed to brew between us and the night would take a drastic turn for the worse in no time. If he saw me dancing with a guy, he told me he’d never speak to me again, if I saw him dancing with a girl, I’d find another guy to dance with even harder. We’d go off about one another for the rest of the night to each of our friends, get on their nerves, and probably start a fight with them as well; he’d text me the next morning to see if I was still mad, and the next week we’d do it all over again. When I came across one of his female friends who I’d made out to be my number one enemies in my mind even though they were “not that cute”—inappropriate words were sure to flow. And if he saw me with any other guy, a question and answer period about the “ugly dude” was sure to follow. We were a hot, jealous, childish mess, and thankfully that’s all behind us.

Turns out, we’re not alone though. While you’d expect people in love—which we were not—to be all roses and sunshine, turns out the love a person has for their partner can actually make them more hateful to everyone around them. When participants in a small study at Florida State University were told to think about how madly in love they are with their partner, they were much more likely to make negative comments about people in photos they were shown and to rate them as unattractive. When these same participants were told to simply think about feeling intense sexual desire for their partner, they had neutral reactions to the images.

The responses were even stronger when the participants were shown images of prospective daters for a new university dating site. Not only were the people in the images attractive, they were also single, on their campus, and looking for a relationship. This time, there were nothing but negative adjectives and ratings when participants were reminded of how in love they were with their partner, since the people in the photos now posed an immediate threat. Those who were the self-reported jealous types didn’t even have to be reminded of being in love to make harsh critiques.

Jon Maner, a psychologist at Florida State, said the results show love, although a positive emotion, has a huge dark side. “The surge of romantic love lead [participants] to derogate these people. The more love they felt for their partner, the more negatively they tended to evaluate these objectively attractive members of their own sex.”

Jennifer Leo, a study researcher and graduate student, also said the participants somehow felt they were sustaining their own relationships by making others out to be undesirable. “Ultimately, love works in the service of protecting the relationship and maintaining it into the long term. Even if that means acting out.”

You can see this dynamic in it’s most extreme form played out on Snapped every week with women who refuse to let anyone else have the men in their lives but them. I’m not sure how me and the guy I was dating thought making each other jealous proved that point but I think we were somehow trying to prove why each of us should want the other by showing how desirable we were to other people. By the time we’d matured a little bit, he’d told me he never thought I was really interested in him. I don’t know how he didn’t gather that from me grinding all up on another man in front of him, but let’s just say that was the last time I used that as a mating tactic. I also learned to curb my own jealous tendencies when dating. It doesn’t matter how attractive or unattractive people around you are, a man is going to be where he wants to be. And your own jealous behavior ends up making you look less attractive in the end.

Are you the jealous type? Have you ever acted out when you perceived other people to be a threat to your relationship?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• What The Heck Happened To You: What Lost Celebs Look Like Nowadays
• Working Your Degree While You’re Waiting: Non-Traditional Paths to Employment
• 7 Things That Could Change The Way He Feels About You
• Say Cheese! Unfortunate Yet Unforgettable Celebrity Mug Shots
• Reader Sound Off! 10 Female Singers Who Are Underrated…
• The High-Income Woman’s Guide to Dating a Man Who Makes Less
• The Father, The Son and The Oprah Winfrey
• Seriously, What’s With All the Overly Aggressive Men in the Club Nowadays?

Life Coach S. Tia Brown offers career tips.Have a question about what's next in your life? Ask Tia.

This week we tackle questions about online degrees and money. We all know that higher education is a great way to improve your financial standing — but you have to pay dearly for the upgrade. Is it worth the time? Also, how do you deal with a partner who makes more money than you? Check out the questions, and be sure to comment.

Dear Tia,

I already have a full-time job and I really want to go back to school, but I don’t feel like I have the time. I’m considering an online program. Do you think they’re a good investment? I’ve heard that the degrees aren’t as well respected. — Ready for More

Dear  Ready for More,

I won’t mince words: Some people do turn up their noses at online schools. However, historically Black colleges, community colleges and trade schools also get snubbed in various circles. Only you can decide what school and program best suits your needs. There’s only one consistent standard: You must pick a school that is accredited (which means the degree is universally recognized as meeting state and/federal standards). If not, it’s worthless. Going online may work best with your schedule and general program desires. If so, pick the best of the best. You can check out http://ope.ed.gov/accreditation/ to make sure the schools you’re interested in meet the proper standards. Best of luck.

Tia’s Tips: Picking an Online School:

Take an aptitude test. It will help you determine what areas you are strong in and pick a major.

Research schools. Select schools that have a proven record in job placement in your field and a high graduation rate.

Make sure it’s an accredited program. Check http://ope.ed.gov/accreditation/ to guarantee your degree is worth the investment.

NEXT

Dear Tia,

My partner and I work in the same field, but our careers have taken totally different paths. In the past few years I’ve gotten three promotions and she’s had zero (we’re a same sex couple). How do I help her without being offensive? — Promo Bound

Dear Promo Bound,

I have one question: Has she asked for your help? While climbing up the corporate ladder is great, it isn’t something everyone aspires to do. Some people are content with their job duties, office environment and are genuinely fulfilled.  However, if she is ready to make a move you must ask her whether she wants your advice — don’t just give it to her. You want to avoid making her feel uncomfortable or competitive. Next, ask her what she would like to know, or how can you be helpful. Don’t assume she wants hours of lecture time, or to be tracked daily. Let her set the pace. Hopefully you’ll both end up exactly where you want to be.

Tia’s Tips: Career Advice:

Offer first, don’t give. Make sure the person you want to help is ready to receive it — from you.

Ask how you can help. Long-winded lectures aren’t always best. Let the person determine what kind of support they need.

Remember each office is different. What works for you may not fit another person, or be successful in another office climate. Be flexible and talk about specific issues. Don’t generalize.

Got questions about your career path? Need life coaching or advice? Send your questions and comments to editors@madamenoire.com. Be sure to include Life Advice With S. Tia Brown in the subject line.
S. Tia Brown, CSW, is a journalist and life skills coach whose work has appeared in Entertainment Weekly, Teen People, In Touch Weekly, Essence, Heart & Soul and a host of other magazines. In addition, Brown’s witty commentary style has made her a familiar face on VH1, MSNBC, CNN and TV One. Follow S. Stia Brown on Twitter: @tiabrowntalks

We’ve all heard the statistics involving black women and marriage, the shortage of black men, etc. And yeah, yeah, we get it: there is a major gap in the ratio of eligible black men to eligible black women, making it much more difficult to find a compatible mate. Furthermore, to add to this shortage, we would have to subtract the black men who are in a relationship, incarcerated, or don’t like black women, or women at all. Then there’s the unspoken rule that most of us have included in our subtraction list: men who have dated any of our friends in the past.

While this rule is one of those ‘girlfriend codes’ shared amongst most women, some are beginning to ask the question that can immediately break up a friendship: “Do you care if I date your ex?” Does this question automatically make a woman a bad friend who can’t be trusted as far as she can be seen?

If you would have asked me this question a few years ago, I would have immediately responded with harsh words and a serious side-eye to any woman who would consider dating their close friend’s former flame; but as I’ve grown older, my words have changed from harsh to inquisitive as I question a woman’s reasoning for breaking this unspoken girlfriend code. While certain situations should be self-explanatory in why you shouldn’t even think about dating a friend’s ex, others are filled with blurry lines and gray areas, leaving room to wonder–is it REALLY ever okay?

In the February issue of Essence, a panel of relationship writers and editors discussed various topics regarding relationships. When asked if a friend’s ex was off limits, all panel members unanimously agreed that after a certain period of time, said ex was fair game, meaning that once she’s done, you can get you some. Well, maybe not exactly that way, but the panelists admitted that after a few years (they agreed on three) a friend’s ex shouldn’t be off limits and should subsequently be thrown back into the dating pool for everyone to date–even her friends.

There is a small part of me that says go ahead and date a friend’s ex, including mine, but do so after discussing the situation with your friend. But on the other hand, there is the other more dominating part of me that says while there might be a shortage of black men, there is an even larger shortage of genuine friends and jeopardizing the latter in any way for a man is totally unacceptable.

The first few dates might have been phenomenal. The first few months might have been like living on cloud 9. The first all night phone call might have felt effortless until some random moment when you suddenly lost the connection. What are these little things that can be major game changers for a guy? Here are 7 behaviors that tell a man a lot about you, and can sometimes surprise him.

by Sabrina Jackson

In today’s era, we are all about embracing lives as strong, independent and financially savvy women who don’t need a man to take care of us. And because there are more and more women out there who have dominated the best schools and pursued lucrative careers to gain bank accounts that would crush those of their male counterparts, many of said successful women date men who fall shorter than them on the income spectrum. Unfortunately, however, these relationships often meet their demise over differing lifestyles and insecurities involving a threatened male-ego that couldn’t handle the successes achieved by a woman. So if you happen to be a lady who makes more than her guy, be sure to avoid such a fate in your relationship and check out the following tips for making it as successful as your earnings:

It’s all about respect. When it comes to dating a guy who doesn’t rake in as much dough as you do, turn up the Aretha Franklin and make sure that you are giving each other some R-E-S-P-E-C-T! If you have decided that a man’s financial standing has nothing to do with your feelings for him, then don’t give him a hard time for his choice in his career, his education level or the amount of bread that he brings home. A relationship without mutual respect is not a relationship—so it is equally important that the respect you give is returned to you regarding the same choices you’ve made in your life.

Consider lifestyles. Sure, when you are with a man who isn’t quite as successful as you, then most likely there are a few differences in your lifestyles that could play a determining factor in whether or not the relationship will work. What is he doing when you’re slaving away to make a hard-earned living? Does he lack motivation? Can he barely support himself so he relies solely on you? Is he at the bars or out shopping with your money? These kinds of behaviors can make high-income women feel used and can lead to questions like, “Is he really interested in me, or is he just interested in my black American Express card?” Sometimes, lifestyles just aren’t a fit and if you aren’t willing to foot the bill for him to enjoy the same luxuries as you, then it might be time to let the relationship go.

Let’s face it, women love to be wined, dined and spoiled. If we had to choose between man with a Black card and a poor man, there wouldn’t be much of a choice to make. However, the reality is in this economy, a woman (or man) would be fortunate to find a mate with a job, let alone a sizable bank account. But are a man’s finances a deal breaker for you? After all, broke men need love too…and here are some reasons to consider dating a man without means…

Read the rest of this entry »