All Articles Tagged "relationship"

Is This Petty? He Tries To Make Me Feel Guilty About Losing Weight

May 27th, 2016 - By Victoria Uwumarogie
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I’m a big follower of the A&E series, My 600-lb Life

I don’t necessarily enjoy watching the individuals featured struggle greatly with their weight as much as I like to see the progress they make to lose it for and following weight-loss surgery. A spinoff of the series has been made, a Where Are They Now? That program follows the same documented subjects as they adjust to life after losing hundreds of pounds, and the effort they make to drop a bit more weight so they can obtain skin-removal surgery. One of the women featured was able to lose more than half of her body weight with proper diet and exercise post-surgery, but in the process of losing that barrier to her happiness, she also had to lose her husband. He turned out not to be very supportive of her weight-loss endeavors. And this seems to be common, because not only have other individuals featured on the program divorced hindering spouses who couldn’t deal with their newfound independence, but many women have also shared their stories online about dealing with the same kind of negative partners.

Like one woman who said that because her husband prefers big women, he’s been against her attempts to lose weight. Keyword: “attempts.” With the lack of a proper support system, the woman consistently yo-yos.

“My husband is just so negative about me losing weight,” she said in her post. “He tries to sabotage my diets and make me feel guilty about losing weight. On various occasions, he has let me know that he has become less attracted to me. Usually when this happens I fall into a downward spiral of depression and I get so insecure I can hardly handle it. This is the point where everything I have worked so hard for completely goes to **** and I gain all the weight back and then some. I have told him that I want to be healthy and that I’m doing what I need to do for me to be happy, but he doesn’t seem to really care.”

The woman would actually go on to say that her husband is a fine partner in every aspect of their relationship–except for this very important part. So what is a girl to do when the person she loves doesn’t support her in one of the biggest goals she’s ever tried to reach in life?

Some women can make it work, it seems. Even Jennifer Hudson, who went from a size 16 to a size 6, said that her fiancé, David Otunga, had moments where he wasn’t thrilled about the changes that came with the difference in her size.

“He’s getting adjusted to it,” she told Jay Leno while visiting The Tonight Show in 2011. “He’s not really into change that much so he fusses at me like, ‘Why do you have to get all dressed up to go out and why can’t you just go out like you used to?’ And I’m like, ‘I’m a walking billboard now, honey!'”

But other women deal with a bit more negativity and decide to leave. As one woman stated in a comment on A Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss:

“You know what’s sad…our mates are usually the first people to check us when we gain weight or fall off the wagon a little bit but when we start to do something about it, sadly we get punished for it. I was in a relationship (and I emphasis [sic] WAS) where my ex had conditions on my weight. If I didn’t lose blah blah blah he was going to leave me. Foolishly I worked towards “his” goal weight for me. When I was finally tired of his crap and lost the weight for myself then he had more issues. My theory is, if your mate can’t support you through good and bad it’s time to kick rocks.”

I can’t imagine putting in the work to reach a significant goal only to have one of the most important people in my life make a conscious effort to thwart my plans. In the case of the married woman, considering that she feels as though her husband is good to her in every other way, they may need some form of counseling (not just a quick conversation) to figure out why he can’t seem to support her. And if that doesn’t work, then I would say she needs to look out for self and split. Because not only is that guy, and individuals like him who sabotage the efforts of men and women trying to lose weight (likely because those people won’t need to depend on them as much for help and affirmation) messing with her emotions, but he’s messing with her health. That’s an even bigger no-no…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. Is this a petty problem they can work on?


When Being Petty In Real Life Backfires

May 23rd, 2016 - By Niki McGloster
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Thanks to the future Angela Kardashian and her growing heir to the Kardashian’s reality TV empire, the game of being petty done changed. Since retaliating against the Kardashian-Jenner clan who stole her man in the form of an engagement to Rob Kardashian and a pregnancy, Blac Chyna has been front and center in this renowned trend of being petty. While she’s not the only pop culture figure mastering the art of pettiness, I guarantee she’s the most celebrated on Twitter and in group chats as of late. Hands down, this year can’t get any pettier, even if Janet Hubert made another silly video about things Will Smith did in the ’90s. And though, at times (for instance, online), being petty is quite hilarious, I’m here to tell you being petty in real life is just not cool. In fact, it’s downright problematic when you make pettiness a plus-one in your relationships.

From a social media standpoint, being petty is hilariously unifying. It brings Black Twitter together, garnering LOLs, thousands of RTs and shared screenshots within the squad. From every Beyoncé meme to the Michael Jordan crying face, the amount of pettiness flooding timelines is comedic gold, but the joke stops when you create a second, secret Twitter account to stalk your ex’s page after he blocks you. Just two years ago, I was on a similar diabolical mission to outpetty a few people who shall remain nameless. I spent too many hours seeking vengeance against f–kboys and people who simply breathed at me the wrong way, instead of just letting that hurt go. Not only did I think being the pettiest version of myself was cute (don’t judge me!), I was consumed by frivolous thoughts that, in many ways, paralyzed my relationships with everyone from my romantic partners to my business partners.

I’m not going to lie: it feels so damn good to be petty. At the time, I wondered why more people weren’t doing so. Why isn’t this more of a thing? Well, probably because treating people like they’re insignificant pawns in your get-back game has shameful consequences. For instance, you shouldn’t respond to your man not answering your call by using Beyoncé’s “Sorry” lyrics to subtweet him.

Trust me, I’m on no soapbox here. Show me anyone who says they’ve never done a petty act, and I’ll show you a liar. I haven’t met a woman yet who doesn’t possess equal, if not more, amounts of petty than a 50 Cent Instagram meme, myself included. It’s just that not everyone understands how unnecessary it is to dish out such cheap shots.

And truth be told, being petty drains you of your positive personal energy and isn’t worth how bad you can potentially make others feel. More often than not, it’s just a cover-up for hurt feelings. I’m pretty sure Blac Chyna would’ve rather talked things out and received an apology than to resort to complete petty infiltration into the Kardashian circle. And though her comeback isn’t any less funny, hopefully, she’ll pack away her future petty for her child’s sake.

So yeah, tweet away about being proudly petty. Shoot, it’s funnier if you pair your petty declaration with a gif. But don’t pull those shallow stunts into your real-life interactions with other people, because the only thing you’ll get in return is a boatload of drama.

Dating Lies That Are Tempting To Believe

May 12th, 2016 - By Meg Butler
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Corbis Images

Corbis Images

We’ve all ended a relationship (or two) saying to ourselves, “Really, what was I thinking?” When it’s over and the feelings of love (or serious “like”) are gone, sometimes you feel like a completely different person. It’s because when we fall in love, we immediately put our rose-colored glasses on. They help us see the best in our partners. They aid us in seeing them in the best light — even when it’s clear that they are shrouded in dark negativity.

And sometimes we even lead ourselves astray before things get serious. Yes, it is true. Love can be complicated. This is especially true when we have trouble seeing the truth behind the following dating lies it’s always so tempting to believe.

Have you ever convinced yourself that these dating lies are true when you were hoping to make a lasting connection? Or do you believe some of them still are? Whether you disagree, have a story to tell, or want to add a few more dating lies that we’ve missed, we want to hear your story in the comment section.

Signs Things Are Moving Too Fast (And That They’ll End Just As Quickly)

May 4th, 2016 - By Meg Butler
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When a relationship with a man teleports to the next level in no time flat, do you feel like things are meant to be? Or do you get a little nervous about what his intentions truly may be?

For women who are cautious when it comes to love, falling head over heels overnight isn’t your thing. And if it’s his, you have a few follow-up questions and concerns. And sometimes your feeling of it being too good to be true can be just that. Some men who get in close really quickly may be falling really fast — and some may fall out just as quickly.

If the new love interest in your life is displaying any of these signs, do you get the urge to look more closely at his love history or let yourself fall? He could be Mr. Right or just Mr. Right Now. What do you think? We’d love to hear your take down in the comment section.

Is This Petty? Everything Is Going Well–Except That He Only Calls And Texts Me Twice A Week

April 8th, 2016 - By Victoria Uwumarogie
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Does a man who seems to like you, actually like you if he doesn’t make a strong effort to call or text you?

Or how about this: How often should you hear from a person when you’ve just started dating and getting to know one another? And when you’re in a serious relationship, how do your phone and texting habits change?

That’s what I’m wondering after reading about a young woman who after five months of dating a guy, was feeling confused about the state of their situation. They liked each other a lot, according to her, and he wined and dined her and all that jazzy stuff. But the reality is that their busy schedules (more so his schedule based on her inquiry) only allowed them to see one another once a week. And while that sucked, what sucked even more for her was the fact that he didn’t really hit her phone up as often as she would have liked.

During a given week, she would hear his voice or obtain messages from him two or three times, that despite him telling her via both forms of communication that he missed her. And his communication, or lack thereof, was a problem for the pair in the past. When she first started briefly dating him, he had a habit of not reaching out that much. She assumed that he wasn’t feeling her, so she ceased all contact. He responded by pursuing her pretty hard and saying that he really liked her and wanted to get to know her better, he just struggles to make time for such exchanges. And yet, when they tried again, it was the same ol’, same ol’.

When the woman delivered her issue to the public for advice, some told her that maybe she should make an effort to reach out to him instead of sitting back and waiting for him to call. I mean, she did say that he’s an engineer with a super hectic schedule. Maybe he would like to talk more but just can’t?

Others said that he really isn’t feeling her. Because a person can’t say they like you a lot but be okay with going days without hearing from you five months into dating.

And then there were the folks who told her, “The man has multiple women.” To those individuals, that would be the only reason a guy would be so sporadic with his communication–he’s too busy juggling other possible love interests. And considering that the woman didn’t say anything about them being exclusive, if he truly were out here spreading himself thin on the dating scene, that wouldn’t be wrong…

There were so many possible explanations and forms of advice given to the woman. One minute people felt sorry for her, the next they snarled at her for not being supportive of his career moves. And while all that was entertaining, I did leave the thread wondering just how much communication is enough in a new dating relationship, and how much is enough in a serious, long-term relationship.

For instance, my fiancé and I are waaaaay out of the honeymoon phase of our relationship. And while we exchange a few messages during the workday, we usually only talk on the phone once each day, at the end of the night. It’s something we’ve done since we first started dating since he told me that he would like me to be the last voice he hears before he goes to bed (*swoons*). I might hit him up during the middle of the day when I have time, but it depends on my schedule. However, early on, like most new couples, we texted back and forth quite a bit.

So with that being said, in a new dating situation, I think both parties need to make a real effort to reach out to one another daily. In the beginning, there’s so much to learn about one another, and many things you can share for a laugh or just to show that you’re thinking about a person. Things shouldn’t get so stale so fast that you only hear from each other every once in a while during the week. And in this particular situation, it should have been made clear (by her telling him) after the first snafu that she’s a woman who values a lot of communication and that she would have liked for them to talk more than a few times during a week, even if they couldn’t see each other as often.

And I get that not everyone is a big chatty Cathy on the phone. Sometimes people aren’t comfortable trying to do all that on a daily basis and aren’t crazy about the pressure to come up with compelling conversations. I get that. But as someone in the thread pointed out, it literally takes nothing but a few seconds to send someone a message saying hello and asking how their day is going a few times during the day, or at least once a day. It lets them know that you’re on their mind and that you really are as interested as you claim to be. And in the early stages of a possible relationship, you have to step it up or step off…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. Is it petty to be bothered by how often you talk to or hear from a guy if everything else is going well? 

When You Get Into A Relationship Do Your Friendships Have To Change?

April 8th, 2016 - By Erica R. Williams
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Corbis Images

Corbis Images

“You’re acting funny now since you have a boyfriend,” one of my closest friends joked. Well, actually, I knew that she was partly serious but attempted just to laugh it off as a joke. I laughed too before casually defending myself, trying to make light of the situation.

It had only been a few weeks since I had denounced my single status and gotten into my first committed relationship in years, and already some of my friends were mentioning that they hoped things wouldn’t change within our friendship. I too had once doled out such jokes and statements, wondering what would be different once one of my girls had found her way into a relationship while I was still wandering around as a single woman. And although I knew deep down that little would change now that I had a partner (I’m not like that), despite my friends’ so-called jokes, I couldn’t help but think of women who were in much more serious relationships or even married. Did their friendships have to change as a result of their relationship status? If the majority of their friends were single (like mine), did it, in turn, affect their bonds?

While ‘F men, get money’ has never really been the overlying theme for my friend circle, we certainly do as single girls do when we aren’t hitched. From our conversations to our outings where we hope to meet eligible men, most of my friends and I have had the single life in common for the majority of our friendship. So with me going out less and staying in more, I guess it makes sense that my circle would be skeptical.

For my friend who mentioned that I may have changed, she was referring to the fact that we were speaking less often. Because we are miles away, we would usually try to talk on the phone every day. However, once I got in a relationship, we began talking on the phone a little less, though we still averaged about four or five days a week.

On the flipside, one of my other friends who recently got into a relationship admits that she now goes out less. She says that because she has a man she chooses to spend time with him on the weekends instead of going on ‘girls’ outings’ like she used to. However, she still ensures that she spends time with friends, at least, one weekend out of the month. She says that it’s not difficult to balance her friends and her boyfriend because there is an understanding. The reality is, when you get into a relationship, certain things will change, and that’s just a fact. However, it doesn’t mean your friendships have to suffer.

While I think the dynamics of such associations may be altered, the bond shouldn’t be broken when it comes to genuine friendships. Sure, your conversations may differ, and your outings may become somewhat infrequent, but if your friend is really your friend, there should be an understanding when it comes to being there for one another. And at the core of things, the commitment to the friendship should remain the same.

Ladies, what do you think? What has been your experience with friendships once your relationship status changed?

Could Your Date Be Intimidated By You?

April 4th, 2016 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Tumblr

Image Source: Tumblr

Have you ever started flirting with someone and flat-out wondered, “What’s wrong with this guy?”

Meaning, things seemed like they were going great and then, nothing? Instead of asking you for your phone number, he just gave you an awkward goodbye hug and walked away, even though you thought the sparks were still flying.

Or maybe you’re dealing with the guy you thought you were going to get along with, but suddenly he’s copped an attitude, and you’re struggling to figure out why.

It’s hard to know what’s going on in any man’s mind at a given time. But if you’re left wondering what’s going on and what went wrong after a first date you thought went well, you never know–it could be a sign that he’s intimidated by you.

Have you noticed these signs? Did you give the guy a second chance? Or did you move on to a man with a little more confidence?

Is Tameka The Surgeon Stupid for Marrying Keith The Sneaker Store Manager?

March 21st, 2016 - By Charing Ball
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It seems like every few months we get ourselves worked up into a tizzy by a question which only seeks to make Black women feel more insecure about not doing enough to support the brothers; when in fact, we are already doing too much…

Here is the set-up:(courtesy of The Shade Room‘s Instagram feed):

#Roommates what would you do? via: @shadekinge

A photo posted by The Shade Room (@theshaderoominc) on


Why is this so bothersome?

Well, for one, it’s really an unfair question. Sure the meme ends by asking, “Ladies if you were Tameka or fellas, if you were Keith, could you play that role?” But what the question is really asking us to do is judge Tameka. And Tameka’s friends.

More specifically, why do we need to know how Tameka’s friends feel about their relationship? What is the relevancy in that? And what about what Keith’s friends say about their arrangement? What can we ascertain about him from that one friend who might feel he “ain’t acting like a man” or his friend who is like, “Dude you straight came up…she got an equally rich sister?”

By even mentioning what her friends think, we are kind of telling the readers that this bit of information should have some effect on how we draw our conclusions.

And since society has a long history of perverting friendships between women – this is particularly true of relationships between Black women (ahem Oprah and Gayle) – our internalized biases will tell us that the “fault” will lie somewhere within the behavior, beliefs and opinions of all of the theoretical women involved. Because women need to mind their own business and find a man of their own. And because they are bitter and jealous and trying to make Tameka jealous and bitter too.

These are the things we tell women when we are trying to gaslight them out of following good advice or even listening to their own inner-voice, which might be telling them that their “bitter and jealous” girlfriends might have a point.

You know points like, why doesn’t Keith have ambitions beyond the bootleg version of Foot Locker? And why didn’t Keith contribute at least something to their wedding and honeymoon? Granted, he makes less than her, but $44,000 is more than enough to get a couple of decent first class seats to the Caribbean. I know people who have done it on less…

And what else do we know about Keith other than how much he “loves her?” Like, what’s his temperament like? Or his character? And is he a responsible human being in other ways?

And why do we pretend like for Black women, his love – and more importantly being married to “his love” – is supposed to be enough?

Let’s be honest here: it ain’t.

And don’t get me wrong: I believe that love can conquers all. And in theory, there is no reason why Tameka and Keith’s relationship can not work. But I also tend to believe that there are a lot of stubborn men who love their gender roles too.

More specifically, from this 2012 article in Jezebel:

A new study published in the online journal Sex Roles found that men who defined their masculinity in a more traditional way, i.e. suppressing tears at all cost, were more likely to fret about being out-earned by a girlfriend or spouse, which in turn led them to have more strained relationships. Guys who didn’t hold traditional views of masculinity gave a big shoulder-shrug to news that their lady partners made more money than they did, probably because relationships are canoes and everyone has to paddle, or some such nautical metaphor. The study surveyed 47 men in relationships with higher-earning women, asking them about the importance of the earnings gap in their relationship and about how it felt to have to ask their partners for some petty cash whenever they wanted to go to arcade with the other fellas. Not only were those non-macho guys more likely to be totally fine about making less than their wives or girlfriends, but they also tended to report of having healthier relationships, which makes sense considering that people who don’t stress about stupid shit like competitive paychecking tend to be easier to hang out with.”

And this is not to say that there are some women who don’t like their gender roles too (obviously, Tameka isn’t one of them). But it has also been my personal experience that men who felt some kind of way about their financial positions in life always found a way to bring strife into the relationship. And despite my best efforts, there was no way of loving them through their discomfort, which did not result in me getting myself hurt and/or in trouble also.

So yeah, while I appreciate the meme for getting us to challenge gender roles, I can’t also help but feel that this has less to do with us, and more to do with what all of the Keiths in the world thinks and feels about themselves.

So stop asking us.

Would You Stop Dating A Man Because You Can’t Stand The Way He Talks?

March 17th, 2016 - By Erica R. Williams
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Recently I had a revelation. My long list of pet peeves just might be keeping me single. From talking too loud to not talking loud enough, it’s the small things that usually annoy me when it comes to men I’m dating. While I know I’m far from perfect, these minor irritations are usually enough to turn me off. I have some nerve, right? Well, enter the latest small nuisance I’ve discovered about the newest man I’m dating. He’s funny, smart, and a gentleman. But I absolutely hate the way he talks. His accent (I won’t mention where he’s from as not to offend) in addition to his dialect, drives me crazy. He’s an awesome guy until he opens his mouth. But is his irritating voice reason enough for me to kick him to the curb?

Everyone has something about them that can be a turnoff to someone else. I get it. After complaining to a close friend about my revulsion to the way she speaks, she was quick to remind me that there’s probably something about me that he doesn’t find so swell as well. I concur. I am sure there are plenty of things about me that men aren’t particularly bragging to their boys about. However, we have to communicate to get to know one another better, and if his speech is a distraction, that could hinder us from being able to make that happen.

And then other annoyances are holding us back as well (including popping his toes too loud–who does that?!). And while I’ve tried to tell him how irritating some of the minor infractions are, when it comes to the big one, you can’t simply say to someone, “I can’t stand the sound of your voice.” That would just be cruel.

I understand wholeheartedly that many of my issues with him might seem picky and slightly immature to some. Sometimes I feel that I’m being petty about it all. I can even hear self-proclaimed relationship experts advising me to remember that his voice doesn’t determine his heart and that I shouldn’t eliminate a good man due to so-called minor issues, like speech. This could be true, but I also believe that a woman (or man) shouldn’t constantly be annoyed by many of their significant other’s actions. That’s a huge red flag. It’s unfair to both people in the relationship to pretend like you’re not. It’s not my job to try to change someone, and I agree that there are some things you simply have to ignore, if they are minor. But if you can’t ignore them, then what? Is there really an appropriate way to tell someone, it’s not you, it’s the sound of your voice that I can’t stand? You simply can’t, without it sounding brash and inconsiderate. So what is a woman to do? Would I be wrong to fly the coop over something like this?

But to be honest, it’s been a struggle to get past his voice, but I’m not completely over getting to know him. I hope that either my pet peeves with him will go away or simply won’t matter as much because his personality and big heart (and good looks) will shine through.

Everyone has their list of non-negotiables when it comes to relationships. Some women won’t date a man who doesn’t share their same religious or spiritual beliefs. Others may require a person to be gainfully employed with good credit. Having values and morals in dating is important and not choosing to compromise them is necessary; but what about the things that don’t interfere with your morals, but simply annoy you? How do you proceed?

This problem may seem minor to many, but could you do it? Could you date someone whose speech simply annoys you?

10 Reasons Your First Date Should Be A Lunch Date

March 3rd, 2016 - By M A
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Credit: Shutterstock

Credit: Shutterstock

First dates are never easy. There is a ton of pressure to make sure that your first impression isn’t a total bust and that you put your best foot forward. And while the knee-jerk reaction might be to have your potential boo plan a romantic dinner and a night out on the town, we here at MadameNoire have a slightly different perspective. Instead of a candlelit dinner, why not consider a midday meal? Here’s why a first date lunch is definitely the way to go.

Less Pressure

Probably the most obvious benefit of opting for a more casual lunch date is the lessening of those first-date jitters. Instead of feeling like the pressure is on over a romantic dinner, a lunch date will feel far more laid back and easy-going. Plus you won’t be surrounded by other couples who could be piling on the PDA and making your first date more uncomfortable.