All Articles Tagged "relationship"
First dates are never easy. There is a ton of pressure to make sure that your first impression isn’t a total bust and that you put your best foot forward. And while the knee-jerk reaction might be to have your potential boo plan a romantic dinner and a night out on the town, we here at MadameNoire have a slightly different perspective. Instead of a candlelit dinner, why not consider a midday meal? Here’s why a first date lunch is definitely the way to go.
Probably the most obvious benefit of opting for a more casual lunch date is the lessening of those first-date jitters. Instead of feeling like the pressure is on over a romantic dinner, a lunch date will feel far more laid back and easy-going. Plus you won’t be surrounded by other couples who could be piling on the PDA and making your first date more uncomfortable.
This new crop of young adults has been dubbed “The Hookup Generation” for their willingness to embrace and redefine dating culture in a casual way. Hookup culture can simply be defined as the acceptance of sexual encounters such as one-night stands that focus purely on sexual gratification without a traditional commitment. There have been loads of articles and think pieces dedicated to blaming the surge of mobile dating apps such as Tinder and Plenty of Fish for people’s sudden casualness. There has also been a boatload of written material and documentaries based on “Netflix and Chill,” which has gained so much speed that consumer companies have started to market their products for Netflix and chilling.
However, one of the cool things about learning about a burgeoning part of culture is the different perceptions we can get on similar things. A great example would be a new study based on this flourishing generation and hookup culture in general. According to it, more people are actually holding off on sex in the hopes of finding love. The idea of abstinence and celibacy, which were once controversial topics that caused debates, are now becoming a trending topic. Celebs like Terry Crews and his wife, Ciara and Russell Wilson, and DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good are celebrating the benefits of waiting on love and halting sex in the hopes of building a deeper connection. It’s evident that it’s catching on with a lot of young people who are dating. The more I scroll through my Twitter timeline and Instagram feed, I see more and more couples embracing a courtship, and more engagements happening. I’ve even done a complete 180 in my personal life when it comes to dating.
For the last 10 years, dating app and site OkCupid has been collecting data based on their subscribers. In the aforementioned study, A Digital Decade: Sex conducted by OkCupid, they found that when asked whether or not they would have sex on the first date, 50 percent of respondents said no versus the 31 percent who said no in 2005. When asked if they would have a sex-driven friendship over a long-term commitment, 61 percent chose a long-term commitment. People were found to be 19 percent less likely to consider sleeping with someone on the first date compared to 10 years ago, with significant drops in every gender and orientation. Only one in four straight women said “yes” compared to almost 50 percent in 2005, and we see the biggest drop in gay men (-26 percent).
The study revealed that even though casual sex was less accessible 10 years ago when compared to today with all of the dating apps and location signals right in our smartphones, people are making the decision to be less hasty to jump in the sack for a casual rendezvous. Dating culture is constantly evolving and even though most of the participants rated sex as being a very important aspect of their relationship with their significant other, they also acknowledged that it wasn’t enough to build a relationship off of or base one around.
Perhaps this whole hookup culture and Netflix and Chill fling thing was just a phase? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out in the next 10 years…
On Friday’s (Jan. 8) episode of The Real, the outspoken co-hosts discussed a new meme that’s surfaced on social media dubbed the “new” male 90-day rule.
Apparently, the rule is that a man has to wait 90 days before spending money on you, similar to the “how many months do you wait until giving it up” question that many women ponder while testing the waters of a new relationship. Interesting, right? However, we’re not too sure just how “new” this rule is, as it’s been joked about before. But all jokes aside, the ladies of The Real, of course, kept it real about the “new male 90-day rule” during that episode’s session of Girl Chat.
With varying perspectives, Loni Love sounded off saying that women nor men shouldn’t hold the rule to high standards and just go dutch on dates; while Jeannie Mai and Tamera Mowry shared their experience with holding off on sex until marriage. Adrienne Bailon wasn’t too interested in the rule, saying that going dutch on every date like your bro’s isn’t the move. Guest host Bevy Smith offered her opinion on the rule as well, saying men should employ the rule of speaking with a woman (over the phone) four or five times before deciding to take her out to dinner.
In regards to the women pulling the 90-day rule, I myself have used it one time and one time only. I soon realized after that relationship flopped that it honestly doesn’t matter how long you wait to engage in sex in terms of a “better” or “long-lasting” relationship. Sidebar: I waited for five months and the relationship ended on month ten, so there’s no guarantee. If you’re into someone and it’s mutual on both ends, why not? Now, will I hop in bed with someone after the first or third date? No.
I, like any other woman on the dating scene, like to be courted, but then again I’m also not putting myself on a time constraint. When you have something like that looming in the back of your mind, I feel like the relationship becomes a waiting game that can make you forget you’re supposed to be having fun, not worrying about how long you should hold out. So, would I feel some type of way about a man putting me on a 90-day rule? Hell yes! Isn’t that what courting is about? Maybe I’m a bit traditional with that sense, but I do believe guys should pay for dates regardless– no 90-day rule over here!
All in all, the ladies came to the consensus that you can’t put a price on your flower. What are your thoughts? Watch the video above and chime in the comments below.
How much should you really know about a man before you give him your heart? Love wants to trust everyone, but your heart will thank you later if you use your head now.
While our readers were all contemplating whether or not it was possible to emotionally move on from your baby daddy, we thought about the other loves in our lives we’ll probably never get over. Did we miss any of yours?
I wish Lamar Odom a speedy recovery. Sincerely.
Still, I have questions. I specifically have a question about love. Or, should I say, how we choose to love.
I have loved some dudes. Some of it was healthy love. Most of it was not. I have loved some dudes who treated me badly. I have loved some dudes who lied and cheated. I have loved some dudes who did not respect me in the least.
But even I, in my most unhealthy of love moments, do not think I could run back and stick by the side of a man who was found unconscious from drugs inside of a brothel.
Don’t get me wrong: I am not heartless. I would definitely see him in the hospital. I would also send him flowers, cookies and pray for him. Heck, I might even help with medical decisions and contribute a few dollars to the cause.
But the divorce, which had been over two years in the making, would go on as scheduled.
And it has nothing to do with whether or not I love him anymore. But as some of us who have labored too long in unhealthy relationships already know, you need to consider your own well-being, and more importantly, your own happiness.
So, this is me hypothetically trying to get out of that situation. And I am trying to go to therapy to figure out my co-dependency issues and what was I hoping to gain for myself by attempting to fix an already troubled man. I am also trying to set and live by the boundaries I created.
I am sure that is what I would do. I am almost certain of it. Well…it is what I envisioned I would do at least.
It’s hard to know for sure, especially when society itself seems to hold special reverence for being a ride-or-die chick. Or should I say some ride-or-die chicks. Some ride-or-die chicks are just dismissed as stupid. And others get to be Khloe Kardashian.
And let’s not get it twisted: For all her wealth, fame and, ahem, prestige, Khloe Kardashian is the epitome of a ride-or-die chick.
Let’s think about this for a minute.
Odom’s recent overdose is just the latest in a long line of troubles, including numerous reports of partying with strippers, infidelity, drug binges and failed rehab attempts. The situation had gotten so bad that Kardashian decided to pull the plug on a reality television show that had been centered around their marriage. She said she did it so that she could “support” her husband as he worked on getting his basketball career back on track.
During the couple’s hiatus from television, they would break up and make up several times throughout the course of their relationship. Although all signs pointed to a divorce, Kardashian told People magazine back in 2012: “I’m a modern girl, but you should put your husband first,” she says. “I like to think divorce is not an option.”
But shortly after a video surfaced, which showed the former Dallas Maverick rapping about using drugs and having several mistresses, Kardashian decided to file for divorce.
As far as the world was concerned, Kardashian had finally sobered up. And it certainly appeared like she had moved on. Not only had she lost weight, changed her hair color and added some extra “accessories,” but she had been linked to a number of eligible bachelors, including French Montana and James Harden.
That was until a couple of weeks ago, when once again, her “husband” found himself in trouble. The same kind of trouble that he had been getting into repeatedly during their marriage. Instead of taking his latest relapse as a sign that she had made the right decision by getting out of that hole and moving on with her life, Kardashian decided to dig deeper. She not only rushed to join him by his bedside, but she also decided to, once again, work on her marriage.
Let’s say this together: Ride or die.
Perhaps it is true that love conquers all and that sometimes we have to weather the storm. That is what we learn about relationships from the fairy tales, romance novels, and our religious teachings. But the reality is that most women (and men) usually don’t always fare too well in these type of ride-or-die circumstances. In many instances, a woman can easily find themselves broke, heartbroken, mentally ill, disease-infested, in jail or even dead.
A great read on the consequences of being a ride-or-die chick is the essay entitled “What Happened to Kiesha?” which first ran on the website Ride or Die Project, a site dedicated to demystifying the trials and tribulations of women who stay in toxic relationships.
As the title suggests, in the essay, writer Amanda Parris breaks down the tragic life of the Kiesha character from the 1998 Hip-Hop film Belly. Although she is a fictional character, Kiesha has become sort of a symbol of not only steadfast loyalty, but also a type of beauty, which was missing from the “light-made-basically-white, surgically enhanced, highly photo-shopped images of beauty paraded with little disruption in today’s Hip Hop scene.”
But as Parris notes, this admiration we have for Kiesha never really translates into actual concern for her well-being. In spite of all of her beauty and faithfulness, Kiesha spends a good portion of the film monitoring the whereabouts of her philandering and ephebophile boyfriend, Tommy. She also physically fights and is brutalized by a home intruder who is after her boyfriend. And finally, she defends herself against the FBI after Tommy locks her up in jail for refusing to snitch on her boyfriend who has now flown the coup.
As Parris notes about this twisted admiration we have for Kiesha:
Absent are the images of her fighting for her life, in the moment left to pay for the decisions made by her lover. What happened to Keisha? What happens to a woman who is repeatedly betrayed, abandoned, incarcerated and assaulted? What happens to a woman who puts her lover at the center of her world when that lover leaves? What happens to a woman who does not have homegirls or support systems that can build her up when the world tries to break her down? What happens to a woman who loves someone that is targeted by the state and in turn becomes the state’s target? What happens to a woman who has learned how to fight for someone else but has no one to fight for her?
You can almost say the same thing about Kardashian.
The most interesting aspect of her toxic relationship to Odom is how well-received it has been by the mainstream. Unlike the lottery winner who was vilified and dragged throughout social media for spending her money bailing her drug-dealing boyfriend out of prison, Kardashian is painted almost angelically for going back and helping Odom on his road to recovery. Of course, some have speculated that her sudden benevolence is all for the sake of money and possibly ratings.
While that might be true, nowhere in any of this criticism is there any concern about the actual prudence of being devoted to a man who is troubled, and as a result of his troubles, does her harm.
And this is not to say that I think we should go around belittling women who opt to ride hard for their relationships. And while I truly believe Kardashian is setting herself up for a world of hurt, the truth is she is much more protected (emotionally, financially and spiritually) than the average Kiesha would be in similar circumstances. But I do think the Kardashian’s public relations machine and the media are both masking some pretty regressive values and ideas around this idea that love conquers all.
And I also feel like we should be conscious of the narrative that continue to tell women that the only way to be a good woman in a relationship, as well as in life, is to be a dedicated dumping ground for a man’s wayward seeds, sins and lack of self-esteem.
After all, what could she have seen in Odom in this latest incident, which led her to believe him to be a better man? And no, almost dying doesn’t count.
I wish both Odom and Kardashian well. But I do believe that his demons are deeper than his drug addiction. And truthfully, so are hers.
When commuting to and from work on crowded trains, it’s hard not to overhear other people’s conversations. One in particular this morning that caught my attention was between two women contemplating if woman #1 should take back her man, whom she apparently discovered had cheated on her. Woman #1 was clearly hurt and confused and had no idea what she should do. Woman #2, however, didn’t hesitate to give #1 her advice: give him another chance. When woman #1 asked why – in disbelief – her friend answered plainly, “Because everyone deserves a second chance.”
But do they really? Not so fast…
I’ve been in the same situation myself more times than I’d like to admit, and in every instance I can’t say that I’ve reacted the same. There have been times where a guy I was dating had cheated and I gave him a second chance. There have also been times where I’ve promptly kicked a guy to the curb after the dreaded ‘C’ word left his lips. Sometimes it was a one-time cheat deal, other times it was a full-blown affair that had lasted for months without me having a clue what was going on. Each situation was different, each man was different and each outcome was different. But still, in no way did I feel that any of the men who had cheated on me deserved a second chance. The decision was all mine; and any outcome of that decision was for me to deal with – the good, the bad and the ugly.
Sometimes I got it wrong. There were times I decided to forgive (but not forget), and I was cheated on a second, third and fourth time. Sure, you can call me crazy on that one. I really was hoping he’d change. When it finally hit me that he would never change unless he wanted to, I concluded that people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Therefore, giving second chances could be your invitation to more heartache.
But I also know that there are men and women out there who, if given a second chance to right their wrongs, would do better. The hard part is in knowing who those people are. That’s where keen judgment, character assessment, taking a risk and stumbling upon luck come into play. You can’t know who “deserves” a second chance until you actually give it to them, so what to do?
There is no right or wrong answer, but whatever your decision when faced with infidelity and whether or not to give your mate a second chance, remember this – a person who has betrayed you is owed nothing. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a short time, long time, are married, share children, you name it – the decision to forgive and move on is yours to make only and shouldn’t be anything you feel forced to do. You didn’t choose to be betrayed, so the betrayer shouldn’t expect you to take them back.
However if you do decide to forgive, make sure you do just that – forgive. Be sure to move on from the past situation, too. While you may never forget what happened, the only way to truly move past the hurt of infidelity is to give yourself and your partner permission to heal. This means not bringing it up every chance you get or throwing it in their face. If you can’t do this, that means the trust is irrevocably broken and therefore the relationship is over.
Also, don’t apologize to anyone or explain your reasoning as to why you took you significant other back to anyone. It’s your choice and others should respect it. If you’re worried about what others will think, then either you’re not ready to forgive or you shouldn’t forgive at all. It’s hard when folks are in your ear telling you what to do, so be sure to thoroughly discuss what happened with your partner and how you want to move forward before you go spilling your tea to friends and family. Get counseling first if you’re conflicted. Even if you aren’t, a third party may be able to help you sift through your emotions and help you make the best decision for yourself.
Lastly, don’t take any blame for the betrayal, and forgive yourself for any doubt you may have cast upon yourself. Your self-esteem can take a serious hit once you’ve discovered you’ve been cheated on, but your partner’s actions shouldn’t determine how you feel about yourself – especially since you are not the one who cheated. In working past infidelity with your partner, it’s okay to be a part of the solution in helping to change the dynamic of your relationship – but the responsibility is ultimately on them to gain your trust back. If he or she is genuinely sorry, has taken responsibility for their actions and you’re willing to work on regaining trust and rebuilding, then the betrayer should consider that a gift – not a right.
When my sister starting dating her now husband in 1997, my mother and I didn’t think it would lead to a long-term relationship. We thought she was just dating and having fun. Besides, he couldn’t speak a lick of English. Add to that the fact that he was a Muslim, we just thought their worlds were too different. Well, were we wrong. Now 18 years and two kids later, she’s a happily married woman. She’s also now a devout Muslim, and I am Christian.
I remember the moment, day and time she told me; it was about six years ago. We were watching TV at her house, just hanging out like we usually do. We have such a great relationship where we don’t even need to talk to enjoy each others company, but I recall her being abnormally silent that day. While normally she’s commenting on characters from a show or chatting during commercials, she seemed preoccupied. Finally, she turned to me and said, “I have something to tell you.” Anytime someone has bad news, they usually prep you with such a line, so I was thinking she was going to tell me that someone was terminally ill or something because she seemed scared. I stared at her as she struggled to get the words out. “I converted to Islam,” she finally spat out.
“Whew! Was that all?!” I thought to myself, breathing a heavy sigh of relief.
My sister and her husband were well into their marriage by the time my sister decided to convert. During their entire courtship he always maintained that he loved her even though she was a Christian and had no problem marrying outside of his faith. He would always answer questions if she asked him anything about Islam, but he never rammed it down her throat. The only request he had was is if they had kids, could they be raised under the Muslim faith. She agreed but under one condition: if their kids asked about Christmas or any Christian holiday, she could choose to share her faith with them if they wanted to learn. He agreed. So there they were, with the Christmas tree and Easter baskets. They were happy, but I did notice that my sister had become more and more curious about Islam – not just for the sake of her son, but for her own desire to connect with something greater than herself.
Although we had gone to church our entire childhood, I never really felt like my sister shared the same beliefs we were taught. There’s nothing wrong with questioning religion or anything else you might have been led to believe your entire life. I remember a conversation we had where she said her husband had such a “peace” about him and that he attributed it to Islam. She wanted that same peace, and I knew that the more she inquired, the more she was leaning towards converting to Islam. Her revelation came as no surprise to me; however she was afraid that I would condemn her for turning her back on Jesus and Christianity or leaving me to celebrate Christmas by myself. Actually, her revealing that she had converted was the happiest I had ever been for her because I knew she had finally found the peace she was looking for. It was a brave thing to do, and I admired her for it.
Now that we both have children, it’s interesting to celebrate different holidays with them. Even though we worship under different faiths, we always are sure to respect each others decisions. And while my nephews understand that Auntie isn’t Muslim, they always remind me that God loves me too. At such a young age, they have a firm grasp of tolerance and acceptance. We all understand that God is one, and we are all loved under him.
In a world with diverse religions and spiritual beliefs there are many paths to God, and we stand before him (or her) alone on Judgment Day. Some people make their own religion. Some don’t believe in anything. Some believe in something higher than themselves, even if they don’t give “it” a name. For many, religion or spirituality is a matter of salvation, while for others it’s simply a matter of comfort. As a family, we are aware of God and his power, and we know that each of us are an expression of all that God is – no matter what you call him. My sister is a beautiful Muslimah and I’m a proud Christian – but our love for each other remains unwavering. No matter whose religion is “right” or “wrong,” I believe our spirits will connect in whatever afterlife there may be. But for now, I cherish our days here on earth.
When I began dating, I had a list of the types of men that I would so-called never date. This list included married men, men with children, men who didn’t get along with their mothers, men who didn’t believe in God, and the list goes on. However, as began to I approach my 30’s, I began to relax that list a bit and take a different approaching to dating. I began to venture outside of my bullet point list and dated men with children and men weren’t Christian but who believed in “something” greater than themselves. I figured if a good guy came in a package that wasn’t necessarily what I expected, I should still give him chance a because I could be missing out on something great. So, I adjusted my list.
Today, I’m married to a man who has been divorced before and has three kids. Talk about relaxing my standards, huh? When I broke the news to my mother about my new suitor, she wasn’t too thrilled, and I can’t say I blame her. I have a son and if he came to me saying he’d met a woman who was divorced with three kids by three different men, I’d probably react with a hesitant pause. Even still, with my son I am raising him to have keen judgment when it comes to people and comprehend that none of those things will matter in the end. But I’d be lying if I said people don’t judge others at all, even just a tiny bit. Although he was the exact opposite of everything I imagined I wanted, I couldn’t bring myself to say no when he proposed. Despite it all, I had already managed to fall in love with him–divorce, three kids and all.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having standards and not settling. However, there also is nothing wrong with marrying a man who is the total opposite of everything your friends, family or even you thought you’d end up with. It’s hard to imagine that a person could fall in love with someone who falls on their list of “don’ts” but it can happen. Everyone is different and that’s what makes our intimate relationships unique. But with that being said, there still has to be a line drawn in the sand somewhere. That’s where you have to pose some questions to yourself: What would make you not marry someone? Would you throw love away because you know you can’t raise a child with someone who is a Muslim per se? Or who has five ex wives? Should you ignore red flags in the face of love or would that be relationship suicide?
For some, the list of deal breakers gets longer as you get older simply because you experience more things you don’t want to be involved with. Also, with age, you have more time to sort through your issues and pretty much expect your potential partner to have done the same. Before I married my husband, I thought I knew myself and what I could and could not deal with – therefore I thought he’d never become my husband – until he did. I changed my mind and his love convinced me that maybe what I thought I knew was actually wrong all this time. I gave in. I simply couldn’t help it; I had to be true to myself.
Although I relaxed my list, I still kept a fair amount of my standards in tact. So, just how strict should we be? While I see nothing wrong with being selective, I honestly am not sure if we are blocking our blessings by being so set in our ways. I can say that believe promptly weeding out undesirable suitors vastly improves the quality of the relationship once you find him. In my case, I drew a line, tested the waters, comfortably crossed it and have been happy ever since.
If you’re a Basketball Wives fan and love all shenanigans pertaining to Draya Michele, you may know that she and her baller boo Orlando Scandrick have a drama-filled relationship, to say the least. First, the couple were engaged and soon after Scandrick called things off. Then came the reports of Orlando filing a restraining order against Draya after he claimed that she threatened to throw bleach in his eyes, pepper sprayed him and threw his pricey Yeezy sneakers in the pool. Sheesh! Just a few weeks later, Draya confidently aired out their dirty laundry in an interview saying that she was never served with papers from Orlando and they had reconciled. And when the drama looked like it had subsided, the on-and-off again couple were throwing low blows at each other on Instagram. Messy, much?
While it all seems like a bit of a roller coaster ride, you don’t have to be a reality TV star to get caught in the drama of on-again, off-again relationships. We all can probably relate to not knowing when enough is enough and when it’s time to call it quits and end a relationship for good. Usually it’s obvious when there is just nothing left to give or the last line has been crossed. But if you’re not sure when it’s time to end it or you simply don’t want to face it, click through these next slides for our run down of the tell-tale signs that it’s over.