All Articles Tagged "relationship"
Serious question: How often is Black love celebrated these days? Millenials like myself are pretty much chalking up the idea of true love to rare chance, nearly as rare as getting out of student loan debt before 30. These things simply don’t happen often enough.
In a sea of #MCM, #WCW, #relationshipgoals, Love & Hip Hop dysfunction and a mountain of scholarly articles on why we aren’t getting married, Joe Budden is further contributing to our issues with his recent comments about Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj’s relationship.
I won’t lie, when these two first got together, I thought it was a complete joke. I didn’t believe it and refused to. Then I saw the heavy social media promotion on both sides – can you believe that two people involved in a relationship are both excessively claiming each other on the ‘gram? – and accepted the new hip-hop couple. As Budden’s co-host on his podcast “I’ll Name This Podcast Later” stated, they’re cute.
For the most part, many of us ladies see sappy captions, and we melt. But the Slaughterhouse MC has an issue with the way some women swooned over the way Meek Mill looked at Nicki Minaj during their performance at the 2015 BET Awards.
“Girls are fucking idiots,” he said.
Oh. I’m sorry that a Black man on stage – who isn’t President Obama looking at Michelle or Jay Z staring at Beyoncé – makes us smile. I think it’s actually refreshing. But I don’t find Budden’s critiques of their relationship anywhere near delightful. In fact, I find his reasoning for considering Meek Mill’s open display of adoration as “nasty” to be even more trippy.
“Meek’s music is too hard for me to look at him with this fucking sappy fuck shit. Be the hardcore guy that I’m sure she was attracted to at some point,” Budden said.
Ah, yes. Be hard. “Be a man.” Here we go again with that.
Sure, I blast Meek Mill when I’m feeling a little thuggish on my morning commute, but I do the same with Jay Z. Why is Meek Mill scrutinized for openly adoring Nicki Minaj when Jigga has done the same thing on countless stages and for an entire tour? Perhaps Budden knows that if he tried to criticize Jay, the vet would lyrically assassinate him on wax, and the Beygency would probably wage war across countries – he simply would not be safe.
But as far as Nicki’s “type,” how does he know what it is she is attracted to? And most importantly, why does Meek Mill’s personality have to be one-dimensional to folks? It’s typically the toughest men who are the softest on the inside. We all crave and certainly deserve love and tenderness, and there is more to people than just the persona we see on social media, through their records and when they’re with one group of people versus another. We all manage to have significant parts of ourselves that we only expose to certain people.
Joey, if you’re jealous of Meek just say you’re jealous of Meek. There is nothing “simp” or “nasty” about the way the Philly rapper salutes his girlfriend. We should stop discouraging rappers, athletes (Hey, Russell Wilson) and everyday men for that matter, from openly expressing the way they feel about the women they love. It’s not a weakness. In fact, it can be a beautiful thing when done right. As Minaj expressed via Twitter, “Why would you be bothered by another man showing love to his girl? Let’s celebrate black love.”
There aren’t enough positive relationships being celebrated or even cultivated today. And considering that Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj seem happy while Budden (and the world) has seen his own romantic life go to hell in a handbasket, he has no room to tell anybody how they should express or handle themselves in their relationship. I’m sure Tahiry and Kaylin Garcia have plenty advice for him…
These days it seems like everyone is trying to save a dollar, and rightfully so. With limited salary increases, shaky job stability, and the harsh reality of unemployment, it’s only natural to find ways where you can cut back a little.
But does that mean you don’t properly invest in a friend or family member’s business?
I get excited when I hear of people I know trying to create their own path in the entrepreneurial game. It’s not an easy task which is one of the reasons why so many small businesses fail in their first year. Yet even with this knowledge, you wouldn’t believe the number of folks who expect, or in some cases demand, special treatment when it comes to pricing. Can’t they get their business off the ground first before you come in with a long list of things you want for a discount or free?
When I got married three years ago, I wanted to treat my bridal party (I had seven members …yes, seven) to something nice. My nuptials were in the morning which meant we all had to get up early in order to be ready for pre-wedding photos and other small needs. Most of us barely wear makeup, let alone know how to glam up our faces. Because of this, I decided to hire a friend of mine who was growing a makeup artist side business. She has come to my home in the past to practice her airbrush techniques for photo shoots and was very talented.
Rather than use our friendship to my advantage by asking for a discount upfront, I thought it was best to respect her hustle and pay full price. Luckily she did give me a bit of a discount which I was happy to pay. Who’s gonna argue with that?
She later approached me and said thanks for not asking or expecting a hookup. Apparently, many of her gal pals would try to guilt her into doing their makeup for free so they could go to a special occasion, birthday gathering, or hit the town for the heck of it.
It’s understandable that folks would like a little something something for having a relationship with a business owner. Whether a close family member or friend, it’s always nice to receive special treatment. Many of us would provide it if we were able. That however does not mean you demand discounts, which can turn the line between a business transaction and personal relationship into a blurry one.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve visited a small boutique and seen someone who obviously knows the owner roll up with a basket of items and say “put it on my tab.” What’s this tab you speak of? And who exactly is supposed to pay it? And when?
At the end of the day, we all need to respect each other’s hustles. If you know someone who has a small business, remember they’re doing everything they can to make it successful. Like us, they have monthly bills, obligations and need to provide for their families. How do you expect them to meet their bottom line if they’re always giving out special discounts and freebies?
Unfortunately, some relationships turn sour when people actually get mad at not receiving a perk. I don’t think business owners are trying to be mean if they deny the request. Perhaps times are slow and they really need the money. You aren’t in their books and have no clue about their situation.
Should you receive perks from someone who sells a good or service, that’s great. Just don’t go around expecting anything because you know them.
Okay, before we dive into this topic. Let’s step up a scenario.
It’s a Friday night and you’re out with a group of your girlfriends. From across the room, you see a beautiful pair of brown eyes staring at you. Curious, you stare back. The handsome gentlemen with the beautiful brown eyes approaches you and starts a conversation. The two of you have hit it off and exchange numbers. At the same time, as you’re exchanging numbers, you see your best friend giving you a strange look. After the gentlemen leaves, and you’re on cloud 9 from having a great conversation with the gentlemen, you’re best friend walks over. After asking you how it went, she tells you, “Yeah I had a one night stand with him once.”
Aw Sh*t! I can hear your heartbreaking from here. Now, you’re left with the painful decide of whether or not you’ll give this man the time of the day. So, what’s your verdict?
For many, the answer is flat out no. Real friends, don’t share their leftovers, period. However, what about the group of you that say yes? Are you totally comfortable with being with someone that has seen one of your friends naked?
In a excerpt from a book proposal he’s attempting to sell, Lil Wayne tells the story of what happened to him when he found out his girlfriend slept with Drake.
According to the story, Drake visited him while he was in jail and confessed to the fact that he slept with his girlfriend. Drake said, “Yeah, it’s true. Don’t f*** with her like that cause I did f*** her.”
Wayne writes, “This is the type of s*** that a man never wants to find out when he’s locked up. Or, maybe so, cause only God knows what I would have done if I wasn’t locked up right now.”
Wayne admits in the proposal he and his GF argued a lot, and that may be why Drake said, “Don’t f*** with her like that.” As for the timeline, Wayne says the woman told him she had sex with Drake the day BEFORE they met.
Wait a minute, let’s pause right there. She had SEX with DRAKE BEFORE they met. So, technically, she was Drake’s one night stand. She had sex with him before she even met Lil Wayne. So, what makes Lil Wayne so upset. Is it really because she slept with Drake?
This is the perfect example of what someone would do in a situation like this. Again, we ask, would you ever date your friend’s one night stand? Apparently, Lil Wayne would not.
It’s no secret that women find themselves in situations where they’re pulling the financial weight in a relationship. According to a Pew Study published in 2013, nearly 40 percent of women with children under 18 were the sole or primary earners in their family in 2011 based on U.S. Census Bureau data.
An income gap can cause tension in a relationship especially when a partner is struggling to locate a job. To find out how women can approach this situation with their partner, MadameNoire asked three relationship coaches to weigh in on the topic.
Motivating and uplifting
When your partner is job hunting your first instinct may be to step in with lots of encouragement. Kara Stevens, life coach and founder of The Frugal Feminista (and a contributor here at MN), suggests that women first ask their partner how they want to be motivated along their job search before jumping in. You may assume that your partner wants a hands on approach when they prefer little intervention from you other than cheering them on occasionally.
Either way, when you are being encouraging, remind your partner that they’re worth more than a paycheck. Stevens also recommends encouraging them to pursue entrepreneurial endeavors to use their skills outside of working for someone else.
Adding another perspective, Atiya, aka the Marriage Strategist, believes the best way to support a man during his job search is to “big up” his gifts and talents.
“Men need to be admired and appreciated,” she says. “When a woman consistently reinforces his worth and value as a man and reminds him of all the things she admires and appreciates about him, it helps to give him the necessary drive and positive energy to do more and better.”
Feeling resentful when a partner is out of work is common. To overcome it, Kandace Jones, certified life coach and author of From Stress to Peace, suggests that the working partner reflect daily on what they are grateful for in their partner.
“This helps take the focus off what they are not currently able to do, and re-connects the working spouse to what they fell in love with. When practiced consistently, this can diffuse negative emotions and help the couple avoid the exchange of harsh words,” Jones explains.
Atiya also advises women to avoid projecting disappointments and to be mature about the situation. Rather than focusing on her own needs, she must focus on the needs of her man and household as her actions “determine the positive energy flow in the house.”
Dealing with extended unemployment and financial difficulty
Stevens suggests women be understanding of how long it takes to find work in certain industries. Depending on the profession, a job search can take several months to a year. So before rushing into judgment about a partner’s extended job search, consider the type of job they’re attempting to secure. Jobs that pay more generally take a longer time to acquire.
During a gap in employment couples may experience financial difficulty and Stevens recommends implementing a strict budget and locating ways to make side income.
According to Stevens, “Adjusting your budget to find out what’s a need and what’s a want can streamline some of your expenses. Locate things that you can sell and try to find more streams of income through entrepreneurship. If the job search takes longer, you do have skills and abilities outside of work you can use to make money.”
Although hindsight is 20-20, she recommends preparing for hardship or job loss by “living below your means” and understanding that full-time jobs are not always secure.
Working as a team
As far as helping a partner find a job, tread carefully.
Jones explains that a woman’s intention may be to help their partner, but “it can be perceived as viewing the unemployed spouse as unfit to look for work on their own.” Instead, she suggests that women engage in conversation about their partner’s ideal position in order to turn what may be perceived as an attack into a discussion based on genuine support and interest.
In this episode of One Bold Move, we show a few series extras that didn't make the final cut. Curly Nikki gives tips on maintaining natural hair for kids, YouTuber Missy Lynn gives advice for makeup newcomers, The Curvy Fashionista addresses plus-size fashion misconceptions, Mother/Daughter fitness duo Ellen and Lana Ector share their fitness inspiration and the co-founders of Black Girls Run! discuss whether you have to workout to stay in a relationship. What do you think? Let us know in the comments section below.
It isn’t just the season to be jolly. It’s also the number one time of year for fights with your significant other. If you want your relationship to survive the holidays, consider some of these tips.
Save First-Time Family Meetings For Another Time
The holidays are about family but there is such a thing as “too soon” when it comes to meeting the folks. Spare your relationship the stress and save the family meetings for a less-stressful time of the year.
Are you starting to forget what your friends look like? Using the royal “we?” These might be signs you’re spending too much time with your significant other.
All of Your Stories Are About Him
So even when your friends do catch you alone, they still feel like he’s there in spirit.
By Christian Carter, From YourTango
Imagine you’re seeing a new man. You’re spending more and more time with him, and the two of you are really hitting it off. Every time you’re together, you connect and grow closer. So … why isn’t he moving things forward fast enough? Can’t he see how great the two of you are together? Shouldn’t you remind him?
The Two Relationship Roles
Yes, it’s frustrating to spend more and more time with someone when it’s obvious he’s not taking the relationship to the next level (at least as quickly as you’d like). You might be tempted to talk to him about your relationship to make him see why he should make more of a commitment.
Before you schedue the “big talk”, you should know that there’s a dynamic that happens in relationships that can short-circuit this effort. When one person becomes the “convincer” — the person trying to make the other see why they SHOULD do something — then the other person naturally takes on the role of the “resister.” The more the convincer pushes, the more the resister resists! And if you’re the convincer in your relationship, your partner will naturally withdraw from you. You’ll start feeling insecure, and he’ll withdraw even more. It’s a vicious cycle.
Understand His Commitment Timeline
There are always exceptions, but men tend to move toward commitment at a much slower pace than women. A man needs to feel what it’s like to have you in his life before he realizes how much happier he is with you than without. This needs to happen gradually and over time.
A man also wants to feel that you want him, not just a commitment. He has his own fears — namely, that a woman is more interested in her own agenda than in him as a person. So the best thing you can do to speed up a man’s commitment pace is to steady your own. Stay present during the journey and resist the urge to focus solely on the destination. Make him feel, every step of the way, that you appreciate him and enjoy being with him.
Read more about maintaining your relationship at YourTango.com
By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango
I’m always quick to admit that my first time was a bust. Granted, losing one’s virginity is never as great as the sex you’ll have in the future, but the range of awkwardness can be pretty extreme. Let’s be honest: we all have weird, funny, and embarrassing stories about our first time. I’ve yet to meet someone who’s ever said their first time was magical and involved orgasm after orgasm. Have you?
We asked a few ladies their thoughts on their first time. Was it awkward like the majority of loss of virginity stories? Painful and bloody? Or something gloriously unforgettable. Here’s what they had to say.
The blood! The pain!
“My first time was excruciating. I thought I was going to die. I went to ballet the next day and I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Seriously excruciating. Almost more painful than my cyst rupturing. I was wondering why people liked it, and the guy was super genteel, too,” says Autumn, 25.
Read more about women and their first time at YourTango.com
Could our story be any more cliché? Foreigner falls for American girl. He’s in a pickle, she wants to help. They marry before they’re ready but it’s cool because, you know, happily ever after and all that. Only this wasn’t a romantic comedy, this was my life.
We met at a coffee shop through mutual friends and exchanged clumsy hellos while our friends did the flirting. I was wearing borrowed clothes that day, so I didn’t exactly own up to the belly shirt and low-rise jeans I was wearing. I had never been comfortable around boys, so I scrambled to hide my shy midsection while he pretended not to notice. Just as I began to console myself with the thought that love would probably find me in college, I mustered just enough confidence to glance in his direction –and that was when he smiled. Oh my god, that smile. It was energy and passion and electricity and magic and in that moment I felt strangely drawn to him. Stranger still was the suspicion that things would never be the same again.
We fell quickly and easily for each other. Whispery late night phone calls, make-out sessions in my Toyota, and a new appreciation for sappy love songs sustained us that summer. He was kind to me, attentive, and even though he was guarded and even careful at times not to reveal too much, that mystery only drew me closer. Beautiful days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months, I secretly hoped, would turn to forever.
A few weeks into my freshman year, with no signs of our romance slowing down, my boyfriend revealed he was living in the United States illegally on an expired visa. To be honest, I didn’t really understand what that meant. The only “visa” I ever knew about was a credit card and I didn’t even have one of those. He told me he’d traveled to the States from the Philippines with his family in his early teens and only recently discovered his expired legal status upon applying to college. I suppose I should have been shocked, but I wasn’t. For the first time, his guarded nature started to make sense. So that’s why he didn’t have a driver’s license. So that’s why he wasn’t going to school.
Unable to work, drive, or seek higher education without proper documentation, he attempted to find odd jobs, self-educate, and find a solution. “How could this happen?” I’d ask over and over. “What does this mean?” my parents worried. The answer was always the same: he didn’t know –and uncovering answers to even the simplest immigration questions wasn’t easy. His father was a proud and private man, offering only the occasional “I’m working on it” when pressed.
A year later and no closer to a solution, I suggested we meet with his father’s immigration attorney. “You have two choices,” the lawyer said, “Go back to the Philippines and re-apply for a visa that you’ll probably never get, or get married.”
On our drive home from the meeting, he said what we’d both been thinking. “Maybe it’s time I go home. This isn’t fair to you.” He was right, but there was also this little matter to consider: we were in love.
For a hot second I considered taking route 60 to I-15. In four hours we could be in Vegas. I was 18, he was 19; it could work! I imagined standing in a chapel, me in my Levi’s, he in his worn Doc Martens. We’d commit to forever in one breath and blame the bravado of young love in the next.
But there would be no Vegas, for being foolish in love was different than being foolish with love. Sure, a quickie marriage could have solved one big problem, but it was almost guaranteed to create about a million more. First, there were my parents: would they forgive me? Would they forgive HIM? Perhaps in time, but things might never be the same following a stunt like that. Then there were logistics: how would we support ourselves? How would we pay for an immigration lawyer? As an 18-year-old college sophomore living at home, I’d be forced to quit school to attempt to support us. And on top of all that, immigration was a lengthy process. Who knew how long it would be before he was granted authorization to work? The idea of our well-intentioned “I do” had a big, fat “DON’T” written all over it – even for him. “It’s not supposed to be this way.” he said, “You deserve to have a wedding with your parents there and you really need to finish school first. We can’t do this right now, not this way.” He was right, so for the next three years I devoted my life to two singular things: loving him and finishing college as quickly as possible. Only then would he agree to marry me.
Read more about this green card marriage at YourTango.com