All Articles Tagged "relationship"
By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango
I’m always quick to admit that my first time was a bust. Granted, losing one’s virginity is never as great as the sex you’ll have in the future, but the range of awkwardness can be pretty extreme. Let’s be honest: we all have weird, funny, and embarrassing stories about our first time. I’ve yet to meet someone who’s ever said their first time was magical and involved orgasm after orgasm. Have you?
We asked a few ladies their thoughts on their first time. Was it awkward like the majority of loss of virginity stories? Painful and bloody? Or something gloriously unforgettable. Here’s what they had to say.
The blood! The pain!
“My first time was excruciating. I thought I was going to die. I went to ballet the next day and I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Seriously excruciating. Almost more painful than my cyst rupturing. I was wondering why people liked it, and the guy was super genteel, too,” says Autumn, 25.
Read more about women and their first time at YourTango.com
Could our story be any more cliché? Foreigner falls for American girl. He’s in a pickle, she wants to help. They marry before they’re ready but it’s cool because, you know, happily ever after and all that. Only this wasn’t a romantic comedy, this was my life.
We met at a coffee shop through mutual friends and exchanged clumsy hellos while our friends did the flirting. I was wearing borrowed clothes that day, so I didn’t exactly own up to the belly shirt and low-rise jeans I was wearing. I had never been comfortable around boys, so I scrambled to hide my shy midsection while he pretended not to notice. Just as I began to console myself with the thought that love would probably find me in college, I mustered just enough confidence to glance in his direction –and that was when he smiled. Oh my god, that smile. It was energy and passion and electricity and magic and in that moment I felt strangely drawn to him. Stranger still was the suspicion that things would never be the same again.
We fell quickly and easily for each other. Whispery late night phone calls, make-out sessions in my Toyota, and a new appreciation for sappy love songs sustained us that summer. He was kind to me, attentive, and even though he was guarded and even careful at times not to reveal too much, that mystery only drew me closer. Beautiful days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months, I secretly hoped, would turn to forever.
A few weeks into my freshman year, with no signs of our romance slowing down, my boyfriend revealed he was living in the United States illegally on an expired visa. To be honest, I didn’t really understand what that meant. The only “visa” I ever knew about was a credit card and I didn’t even have one of those. He told me he’d traveled to the States from the Philippines with his family in his early teens and only recently discovered his expired legal status upon applying to college. I suppose I should have been shocked, but I wasn’t. For the first time, his guarded nature started to make sense. So that’s why he didn’t have a driver’s license. So that’s why he wasn’t going to school.
Unable to work, drive, or seek higher education without proper documentation, he attempted to find odd jobs, self-educate, and find a solution. “How could this happen?” I’d ask over and over. “What does this mean?” my parents worried. The answer was always the same: he didn’t know –and uncovering answers to even the simplest immigration questions wasn’t easy. His father was a proud and private man, offering only the occasional “I’m working on it” when pressed.
A year later and no closer to a solution, I suggested we meet with his father’s immigration attorney. “You have two choices,” the lawyer said, “Go back to the Philippines and re-apply for a visa that you’ll probably never get, or get married.”
On our drive home from the meeting, he said what we’d both been thinking. “Maybe it’s time I go home. This isn’t fair to you.” He was right, but there was also this little matter to consider: we were in love.
For a hot second I considered taking route 60 to I-15. In four hours we could be in Vegas. I was 18, he was 19; it could work! I imagined standing in a chapel, me in my Levi’s, he in his worn Doc Martens. We’d commit to forever in one breath and blame the bravado of young love in the next.
But there would be no Vegas, for being foolish in love was different than being foolish with love. Sure, a quickie marriage could have solved one big problem, but it was almost guaranteed to create about a million more. First, there were my parents: would they forgive me? Would they forgive HIM? Perhaps in time, but things might never be the same following a stunt like that. Then there were logistics: how would we support ourselves? How would we pay for an immigration lawyer? As an 18-year-old college sophomore living at home, I’d be forced to quit school to attempt to support us. And on top of all that, immigration was a lengthy process. Who knew how long it would be before he was granted authorization to work? The idea of our well-intentioned “I do” had a big, fat “DON’T” written all over it – even for him. “It’s not supposed to be this way.” he said, “You deserve to have a wedding with your parents there and you really need to finish school first. We can’t do this right now, not this way.” He was right, so for the next three years I devoted my life to two singular things: loving him and finishing college as quickly as possible. Only then would he agree to marry me.
Read more about this green card marriage at YourTango.com
Could you be strung out on love? Addiction isn’t just for drugs. Some of us are stuck on relationships that just mean trouble in the long run. If you recognize these signs of an unhealthy relationship in your life, it could be time to go cold turkey on your toxic relationship.
You’re Keeping Secrets
Your standard response to “what are you doing tonight?” Is “nothing” because you know how everyone would react if they knew you were seeing him again.
By Cassandra Guerrier For YourTango
“I didn’t think you’d want to know.”
This was how my boyfriend of three years told me that he was leaving me for a different girl. A white girl.
In spite of all of the laughter and secrets we had breathed to each other in the night, he had been lying to his entire family about who I was and what I meant to him. Why? Because he was embarrassed of my dark skin. As a Muslim man coming from a strict religious family, he was afraid of their disapproval and so figured the easiest solution was just to leave me for a woman with Blake Lively’s complexion. I don’t know what was worse: The fact that I was blindsided by this or that all of his whispered reassurances over the years that his parents would love me had meant nothing. He had to make a clean cut from me and he had to do it without thought for how it would make me feel.
When I first met Harvey, I fell in love with his eyes and his skin before I fell for him. Even though ours wasn’t a groundbreaking love story, I don’t think I’ll ever forget how we met at the beginning of the semester. Sitting at the back of the classroom, I remember laughing in his face when he tripped over his own feet and landed headfirst in the seat next to me. He made a look of indignation that turned into what I’d come to know as his signature smirk, and then jumped smoothly into conversation as if he hadn’t just made a tremendous fool of himself. After that, we ran into each other at every turn. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something about the way that he carried himself across a room that made me want to get to know him. Maybe it was his shy smile or his penchant for sarcasm, but just like that, I stumbled into his love headfirst and with abandon.
From the stories he shared with me, I knew that Harvey came from a small Egyptian family who practiced Islam. He confided in me that he didn’t really consider himself that religious and would often get frustrated pretending to be just to appease his mother. I loved hearing him speak about his family’s culture and the customs that they followed. Being of Haitian descent (with a tight knit Catholic family of my own), I couldn’t say that I shared the same struggle as him, but I understood what it meant to feel so disconnected from what was supposed to be your identity. Growing up, I was subject to a running joke among my friends that I would marry someone outside of my nationality and race because I always had crushes on guys who were not black. It eventually started to catch on to the point that my classmates teased me constantly, making comments like, “Cassandra probably wishes she was a white girl with the way she’s chasing after those white boys!” and “Why can’t you like someone in your own race for once?” I hated their bullying, and so stopped confiding in them (and really anyone else) about my romantic interests for years. Those days I felt like I was drowning.
Continue reading about this relationship at YourTango.com
Could the ship be going down without you knowing it? Here are a few surprising habits that can ruin a marriage.
Letting Him Do the Chores
When men do “feminine” chores around the house, like dishes and dusting, they have sex with their partners 1.5 times less a week. When men stick to masculine chores, they have more frequent and better sex with their partners. Go figure.
By Christine Dunn-Cunningham, From YourTango
Great relationships are made and broken in how you treat each other every day. It’s the simple things—your attitude, how you deal with conflict, and what your focus is on that will ultimately keep you together or push you apart. Building a life with another woman means learning how to share your life with her, and how to create a deep and meaningful relationship that allows both of you to grow and evolve as people. Avoiding actions that create drama and negativity in your relationship is crucial to creating lasting love.
5 Bad Habits that Ruin Great Relationships
Bad Habit #1: Worrying About What Other People Think
Everyone wants and needs different things in their relationships. Don’t get caught up in what other people want or what your friends are doing. Concentrate on creating a relationship with your partner that works for the both of you.
Bad Habit #2: Letting Your Ego Get in the Way
One of the biggest relationship mistakes is getting caught up in trying to be right in an argument. When you’re focusing on proving your partner wrong and getting them to acknowledge that you’re right, you lose sight of what you’re really trying to do—resolve a problem. Drop your ego, and instead focus on creating a space where each of you can share your concerns over the issue. Work as a team to find a solution that makes sense for the both of you.
Read more about making love last at YourTango.com
Trust me, you need to read this article. Why? Because I was that needy girl. Fine on the first date, content if I was not that into him, but as soon as I liked him I fell apart. I did not know what to say, how to behave and bit by bit that gorgeous guy smiling across from me would disappear.
To make matters worse, the more I would not hear from him, the more I would blow up his phone asking him where he was, what he doing, when he wanted to meet. I know I am not the only one who does this, so if I am talking to you, my hope is that this article can give you some insight.
You Are Too Agreeable?
When we really like someone, we want them to like us back. We become vulnerable and become ultra-agreeable with that person. He likes football, but you absolutely hate it. Three dates later you are hanging on his every word and you agree to go to a football match with him. Now, at the game you are the most miserable person there.
The smart confident women he asked out has now turned into the worse company he has ever experienced and your handsome man has disappeared. He has sensed your need to be agreeable and his attraction level plummeted. Men like women, who have their own opinions, interests, and hobbies. This leads me to the next point…
Dropping Everything For A Man
It’s Friday night and you have agreed to have a wine and cheese night in with your girlfriends and you told your mother you would call at 7 p.m. Brad calls at 6:50 p.m. asking you out at 7:30 p.m. A little short notice, but you forgive him anyway. You laugh at his jokes, listen to all his excuses as to why he could not call you earlier in the week and then you agree that you will be ready to meet him at the local bar.
On your way there, you text your mum saying you can’t make the call tonight and you send a mass text to your friends that this great guy wants to see you and the only night he is free is tonight. Are you coming across as needy? I think so! And now, because of your neediness his respect and attraction for you has plummeted. Ouch!
The most important part of dating is his ability to follow-up in between dates. Your job is to sit on your fingers while he is thinking sweet thoughts about what a great time he had with that confident brunette until he calls back. That means you! You don’t need to play games, you don’t need to hint to him that it has been four days since you spoke, and you don’t need to remind him it has been a week since you last saw each other.
Men do what they want and if he wants you, he will make the effort. All you have to do is mirror his actions by answering the phone when he calls as your happy, positive, “I have altogether” self. Men like to win you over. Needy girls put words in his mouth, stalk his Facebook page, and are jealous of every girl he mentions. Sit back, relax, and let that boy work for you. You will be gracefully rewarded.
Read more about dating at YourTango.com
Can you really tell a man everything on your mind — even the not-so-pretty stuff? And can it bring you closer together? Yes … as long as you know these critical elements about how to communicate with him first.
Has a man ever told you of some plans he had to hang out with his friends, or travel somewhere by himself for whatever reason, and you pretended to be perfectly okay with it because you didn’t want to seem “needy?”
But then later, when he came back … BAM!
All those hurt, angry feelings came out, he withdrew, and then there’s a wedge between the two of you. You might conclude that you can’t be honest with a man, when in reality a little tweaking in terms of timing and delivery can make all the difference …
Stop Avoiding The Issue And Start Speaking Up
Here’s something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it’s true …
A man absolutely wants you to be honest and straightforward with him.
This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other. And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you aren’t open and direct.
If they are planning something that you don’t agree with, they want you to let them know at the start — as soon as possible — before it becomes a bigger issue or concern.
Here’s the beauty of telling a man what you think early on: it allows you to communicate in a way that’s less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while.
Read more about honesty at YourTango.com
If we don’t like what we see when we look in the mirror, we don’t try to paint something different or paste collage on the mirror to change what we see. We understand the mirror is a reflection, so we change ourselves, what we are wearing, how our hair is arranged, our makeup and our clothes. However when we don’t like our reflection from our life, we try to change the mirror, our life on the outside, rather than change what is being reflected, our inner state of being.
I love the movie Buck, the documentary about Buck Branaman, the man who was the inspiration for the both the book and the movie Horse Whisperer. Buck also served as Robert Redford’s coach on the movie set. In real life he teaches horse owners and riders how to get what they want from their horses. The key is not about changing the horse, because the horse is just the rider or horse owner’s mirror. It is about changing the where the rider is ‘coming from,’ their state of being as expressed in their own behavior. The horse is simple intimately relating too and reflecting back what is going on inside and being expressed by the person. The horse is responding perfectly to what it is receiving.
The horse is like the rest of life. What is happening in our life is responding perfectly to what is happening inside of us, just like the mirror showing us what we look like. Life, like the horse, is showing us how we are being inside of ourselves.
An amazing life-changing, empowering adventure begins when we realize this intimaterelationship with life responding to us, to our inner being, our energy, emotions and thoughts. Many people who attend Buck Branaman’s horse clinics become converts to an exciting new relational way of working with horses.
Similarly, when we discover the power of our creative inner life and begin to experience how life is deeply responsive to our inner state of being and reflects it back to us. We stop feeling like we are on the receiving end of the stick, struggling to get what we want in our life on the outside. We stop trying to paint on the mirror, or beating the horse into submitting to our will. Life becomes exciting, empowering, deeply intriguing and much, much easier. It is all about intimate relationship, our own intimate inner relationship with life.
When we begin to realize this, we no longer need to suffer the bad relationship, the crappy job, the stresses that overwhelm us. We now have a choice. We begin to look inside to what is really happening there. What is the habituated knee-jerk inner choice we are making, that is so painful both inside and outside? When we identify that choice — THAT is a huge win. We have identified the real source of our pain. From there we just need to find the inner choice that feels good. That is the choice that will effect a new outer reflection that also feels good, one much more to our liking, both as we experience it first of all inside our self and therefore as it is reflected back to us on the outside.
Instead of believing that the feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, the sense of loss, defeat, confusion are solely due to the circumstances of life, we can begin to see how those life circumstances are largely a reflection of our beliefs, our false perceptions, the inner state of being we are choosing to hold onto inside of ourselves. As we look inward and become aware of those unconscious painful beliefs that we are choosing to entertain inside, we are now able to make a different choice. When we change that choice, when we make a kinder choice for ourselves, we will feel an inner shift and like the horse, life will also feel that shift and respond to it and reflect that kindness back to us.
Read more about changing relationships at YourTango.com
From Single Black Male
Don’t you always enjoy attending events where your friends are celebrating something? Whether it’s a birthday, job promotion, job creation, newborn baby, engagement, etc. you will create a new connection with someone. Recently, I caught up with a good buddy of mine, and the conversation inspired me to share.
He recalled supporting a group of friends who were celebrating an anniversary. After doing his normal meet and greet conversations, someone had his attention, but she didn’t have his. They exchanged numbers, he walked her home, and he called it a night.
What ensued were weeks and weeks of endless text messages back-and-forth, and back-and-forth again. Having merely met within the confinements of a mutual friends celebratory event, they had gone on for an even longer time without seeing each other again. When you’re young and free, you get to the point quickly. Like the eternal line from Puff Daddy, “Why don’t my friends…meet your friends…and we can be friends.” LOL!
They go on for days and do nothing but text. She never called him and he never called her. He even forgot what her voice sounded like! It was very strange hearing the story, because how else would you know that someone else is really into you unless they talk to you on a consistent basis. Consistent text messages, from my perspective, do not hold the same weight or importance as consistent phone calls and conversations. Is that a guy thing? Fellas, do you agree or disagree?
After that initial meeting, they only met up once more, and it was for a “limited” time. His description of “limited” was thirty minutes. They caught up, of course, talked about the inconsistent New York weather, what the rest of our week looked like. What followed was another long duration of text messages and never a face-to-face interaction.
Read more about texting relationships at SingleBlackMale.org