Jasmine: What is the most reasonable time period in which a woman should receive a proposal from her boyfriend?

DY: I don’t believe in an arbitrary set time for things like that. But, I will say if you’re in your late 20s and above, just “dating” for longer than two years probably isn’t the best look

Hi Damon, 

Me and my husband have been going through a really rough time. Four months ago he lost his job and since then things between us have steadily been on the decline. I’m stressed because I have to pay our bills, clean the house and take care of our children while he basically sits at home all day. I don’t want to nag him and question him everyday about whether or not he’s taking the proper steps to find employment; but judging by the way the house looks when I come home in the evening, I’m pretty sure he’s lounging in front of the tv all day. 

 

The other morning things came to a head as I was trying to get the kids ready for school. He was still in bed and I asked him if he could help me out a little bit. He wouldn’t get up so I had to ask him at least three times. I guess he got frustrated because he called me out of my name. I know this wasn’t right but I completely lost it. I started screaming and throwing things at him. Once I’d calmed down, I asked him not to be home when I got back.

 

Despite this rough patch, I still want to work on my marriage and I think it would be best to understand where his head is at right now. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in this position but can you, as a man, explain to me where a man’s head might be at when he’s unemployed. And then secondly, do you think I was wrong for putting him out of the house– at least temporarily? Where should we go from here?

 

Thanks in advance, 

 

Distressed and Desperate

Read the rest of this entry »

Tasha: Why black men don’t want to commit and get married

DY: There are actually a ton of Black men who are commitment/marriage-minded. You just have to find and date the ones looking for a commitment with you instead of the ones who aren’t looking for that.

I have a question for you. Some guy I know said that head is overrated. It shocked me cause I never heard I man say that before. Do more men feel that way, or is he just crazy?
Asking about Oral

Dear Oral,

I’m not sure exactly when and where it started—My best guess would be sometime after hearing Akinyele’s “Put It In Your Mouth” for the first time—but I remember being obsessed with the idea of someone going down on me. Actually, obsessed isn’t even the right word. This was an effing mission. A calling. A duty. I’d daydream about it while falling asleep in physics, wonder about it while waiting for the bus, and fantasize about it while at the foul line. Unfortunately, I was in high school at the time and I only dated black girls so, um…let’s just leave it at that.

Anyway, I finally was able to complete my mission when I got to college. And, while it felt very good, it was underwhelming. (I remember one of my teammates once remarking that it felt better than sex. After hearing that, I couldn’t help but think “What type of wack sex are you having?”) I thought this unremarkable experience would get better once I dated/hooked up with/slept with more women. But, after over a decade’s worth of oral sex, I can tell you that my feelings haven’t changed. Basically, I happen to personally agree with your friend. Receiving head is great. But, it’s not the end-all-be-all of sex some people make it out to be, and this makes it overrated.

(Interestingly enough, while I do think that head itself is overrated—I can honestly take it or leave it—I couldn’t be with a woman who didn’t enjoy doing it. The will/want to do it is more important to me than the actual act. I also seem to enjoy performing it much more than receiving.) 

Thing is, I can’t speak for every man. As alluded to earlier, some men (and women) do in fact think that head is the best part about sex. I’m just not one of them, and I suspect that your friend and I aren’t the only “crazy” men out there.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Hey Damon

 

Recently, a few of my friends have come across the sentiment that men don’t want to even date seriously if they’re not in a certain place financially. Can you explain whether this is really a thing or an excuse to avoid commitment? And if it is a thing what types of markers do men need before they can feel comfortable progressing in a relationship?

Curious About Men And Cash

 

Read the rest of this entry »

Nina: If a man tells a woman he only wants to be friends… Why does he still show interest?

DY: Because saying “I don’t want a relationship and I want to be friends” is usually manspeak for “I want to continue to hit it as long as I can without you hating me. And, if you catch feelings, I want to always be able to come back and say “But…I said I didn’t want a relationship”

Shaleith: Ok I have a question….why can’t someone see that squandering away their money on unnecessary things when they have bills to pay is madness?

DY: “Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?”

Candis: Why is it guys talk about doing something nice, like cook you dinner, or take you out. Then in the same breath say “and then screw your brains out” like that’s suppose to make me feel like a woman? Why do they mess up the vibe like that?

DY: Some guys suck at communication. And, when you suck at communication, you’re not very good at seduction. One thing you have to realize, though, is that for some women, hearing “I’m going to screw your brains out” turns them on even more. Perhaps that’s want he’s used to dealing with. Basically, it’s up to you to express to him that hearing things like that take you out of the mood. If you don’t tell him, how will he know?

Norca: I need a Valentine’s Day gift idea for my BF. He has everything already! Please help! Thanks!

DY: Experiences—tickets to a game, a personalized lap dance video, a weekend getaway, etc—never hurt. Neither does a steak and BJ.

Wanda: Steve Harvey suggests we make a man wait 6 months before giving him ‘the cookie’. Is a man going to wait that long, or is he just getting his cookies somewhere else while you make him wait? And is a woman who doesn’t make a man wait a keeper?

DY: I thought it was 90 days, not 180? Oh well. Anyway, if a guy really wants to be with you, it’s not going to matter how long he has to wait (or how quick it happens). Obviously, if you make someone wait 20 years (or give it up in 20 seconds), that’s probably not going to end well, but aside from staying away from extremes, there’s really no arbitrary set time on how long you should wait to sleep with a man.
The only clock you should be on is your own. Basically, ask yourself if you’re ready, and don’t do it unless you’re 100% sure your answer is yes.

Erica: Why do men want brownie points for what they as a MAN in the relationship are suppose to be doing in the first place? I understand appreciation but doing the bare minimum isn’t really doing anything at all.

DY: Doesn’t everyone strive for brownie points, though? Couldn’t you say the same thing about women who want praise for being independent? I agree that it’s annoying, but this isn’t a gender specific trait.

Adria: When do you think is the right time to introduce your child/ren to someone new that you are dating??

DY: Opinions vary about this, but I think the best (and safest) time to do this is after you’re sure he’s going to be in your life for an extended period of time.

Annissa: Why does a man say I still love u but clearly is messing with someone else??

DY: He still wants you to love him.

Shutterstock

Don’t worry: your love isn’t disintegrating, he doesn’t find you any less attractive, and you’re not in a rut. There are just some behaviors couples can’t keep up forever. But these changes here will come and go throughout any good relationship.

Erica: I just got into a discussion about what marriage is suppose to mean and I want a guy’s take on it. I say: Love is not unconditional and that everyone has dealbreakers in which they will leave a relationship or marriage. Including weight gain. Others say: If you’re married, then the only dealbreaker should be don’t cheat and don’t abuse me.

What say you?

DY: I say the best relationships/marriages are when you find someone whose dealbreakers match yours.

Denise:  At what age do men grow up ?

DY: The age we realize “continuing not to grow up” means “dammit, the pool of women available to me will continue to shrink until I grow up.” Some of us make that transition, and some don’t because their pool never shrinks. There’s no incentive to make the change.

Ok, I REALLY need help.

Rundown:
–BF and I have been dating for 7 years
–He proposed a year ago but never gave me a ring, so I’ve been waiting
–His car recently got repo’d for not paying tickets, so he had to pay $5k to get it all out. (Money was borrowed from aunt.)
–In April, I told him that he had until the end of the year to give me my ring and officially propose or I would leave. The other day, he told me he would miss that deadline since he paid so much to get his car out.

What should I do???  Help please!

Read the rest of this entry »

Shutterstock

Like anything in life—your career, your friendships, your love life—it isn’t one giant push, or one grand gesture, or one successful day that makes you truly successful at it. It’s the small habits that you consciously practice daily. Here are some habits that almost every happy couple attributes their success to.