Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

RaisingHomemakers.com

I hate when I have a taste for something, only to discover that someone else had the same idea and left none to spare.  This particular Saturday it was a box of Frosted Mini Wheats that my boyfriend decided would make great dinner all week long.  My teased tongue was soon lashing all kinds of insults, many which had nothing to do with breakfast cereal and soon he was digging up every flaw he could find about me to throw in his defense.  I lie to you not; we were cursing each other out over cereal.  It may start with a slick comment, sharp sarcasm or blatant disrespect and before you know it you’re in the midst of a knockdown drag out verbal beat down that leaves both you and your partner furious and full of pride and in opposite corners of the ring licking your wounds and coddling your bruised egos.  Sooner or later that pride can make your relationship feel like a prison while you both play the waiting game to see who will make amends first, because of course that means that person was wrong, the one who is weaker or both.

Sorry isn’t for “suckas” and of course an apology doesn’t make you a loser in the game of love, nor does it mean you are entirely at fault, but it is a first step towards making things right. In fact, I’m willing to bet that the best relationships involve a whole lot of practice apologizing.   Unfortunately when the art of apology is abused, it can become like band-aid on a broken bone: a mockery of a huge problem.  The following tips may make that pride a little sweeter to swallow and help you rectify the situation the right way:

blackloveandmarriage.com

You know that in breakups, the heart is painfully slower than the head: you can know someone is no good for you, but you’re still hurting. Well, when falling in love the same concept applies, but opposite: the heart is ten steps in front of the head. The heart is saying “I love, love, love, LOVE this person!” and the head is saying, “Hang on, I’m still evaluating! I need more information!” Keep that in mind, and before blurting out “I love you!” and catapulting your relationship to new levels, do the following:

Source: youthonrace.wordpress.com

Rob: Wonders how much azz he gets as a result of all the advice he gives… nice hustle…

DY: If by “azz” you mean “carpal tunnel from typing 75 words per minute,” then I definitely get a ton of azz

Toya: Hello Damon, I have a guy who has sat for the cable guy for me, fixed my car, went shopping with me, etc. Do men do things “just because” to be nice or is he waiting to smash me?

Damon: I don’t have any kids yet, but I (kinda) hope to one day. If this happens, there’s a 50% chance that this kid will be a girl. Before I send her out into the world, I’m going to say “Come here, little 5 year old Damona” and leave her with this bit of advice:

“Assume that EVERY. SINGLE. THING. a man does, nice or not nice, cool or awkward, kind or unkind, is done so that he can get into someone’s pants. Yes, little Damona. That is the latent reason behind EVERY. SINGLE. THING. men do.

courtesy of dostoyreflects.com

Chris Rock once said:  ”When you’re meeting a person, you’re not meeting them, you’re meeting their representative.”  As true as that is, when you spend a lot of time with someone, after a while that façade begins to fade and you can see the person for who they truly are.  Within times of joy, turmoil, despair and anger, true emotions begin to fill in those holes of their personality and you begin to see past the shell of the person and into who they really are.  When those times happen, I believe in Maya Angelou’s saying:  ”When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

When I was in college, in one of my psychology classes I learned that by the age of four, the personality that you have then is pretty much the one you’re going to keep.  Not saying that you’ll keep the perspective of a four year old, but if you were selfish when you were four, you’re pretty much going to be a selfish so-n-so when you’re 44, if you’re not already.  There have been recent studies that challenge that theory, but honestly, I still believe it.  I do think that people can change, but I do believe that the fundamental aspects of a personality will be set by four. Will you be an extrovert, or introvert; a giver or taker; a sociopath or a person who watches sociopaths on Maury?

If there seems to be a problem in relationships (whether romantic, familial, or work-related) the problem can be traced back to one person expecting a certain type of behavior or behavioral change and the other person failing to meet their expectations.  To the person who’s upset, the expectations seem easy enough to understand and to follow; however, this person just seems to fall under the bar constantly.  Who’s really at fault in all of this?

Honestly, if you’re expecting someone to change, then maybe you should change your expectations? Resentment grows when people consistently make poor decisions.  Each time that person fails to meet your desires, until you come to terms with it, you’ll remember the multiple times they’ve failed you. And like pipes under pressure, you’re going to eventually explode on that person.  Marriages end because of this type of dilemma.

Sometimes you have to consider that maybe your expectations are out of whack for that person.  There are always signs of a person’s true nature. When those signs occurred did you notice them, ignore them for the sake of the relationship, or hope for a change?  When engaging in a relationship (of any kind) with a person, one of the best things to do is to embrace that person for who they are, faults and all.  Of course they’re going to fail sometimes, because they’re imperfect and human.  The same way that you’re going to fail under someone else’s expectations.  By having that mindset or embracing their faults, it might allow you to have grace for the other person.  Not saying that you need to stay in a frustrating relationship that is going nowhere (because the person in question continuously does the same crap over and over that they promised to stop doing… not that I’m bitter or anything), but unless you terminate that relationship, all you can do is accept it.  Until then, when that cat shows you their true nature, accept it when it meows, and stop expecting it to bark.  If  barking is important to you and you do move on to another relationship, try to find a dog next time.

Kendra Koger is a blogger, writer and a meower since she’s been four.  Follow her on twitter @kkoger.

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Dear Damon,

I just was reading the Ask a Very Smart Brotha section today and one of the questions was, I have been in a relationship for two years and my boyfriend still hasn’t proposed. I’m in the same situation.

Editor’s Note: Damon suggested another reader on Facebook answer the three following questions, before he could provide an answer to her query. This reader has also answered the same three questions.

To answer the questions Damon asked:

1. How old are you two? I just turned 28, he is 27.
2. Does he know you want to get married? Yes I’ve told him many times. He has said he’s just not ready for that step yet. When I brought it up back in November he said he would rather let me walk away then be forced into marriage. He doesn’t want to feel forced.
3. Why do you want to get married? I have known he’s the one for a while. I think he’ll be a wonderful husband and father, he’s my best friend and we have fun together. On top of that he’s smart, ambitious, romantic, he’s supportive, thoughtful and a wonderful person overall. I want to marry him because I love him and I’m ready to be married, I’m ready to have a family soon and I want it with him. He’s trying to get into grad school right now while working full-time, he’s also been engaged once before when he was younger and had his heart broken. He told me from the beginning he was very slow and initially he wanted to date for three years…I didn’t really take that to heart in the beginning. I knew him for an entire year before we were officially together, and our two year anniversary of “officially” being a couple is coming up this May.

I’m getting to the point that I’m willing to walk away if it’s not going to happen. I can’t be with someone that still feels the need to question if I’m going to be in his future or not..after two years. I think you should know if this person is worth it to go all in and give up all other options or not. He loves me unconditionally, he treats me like a queen but at this point I need a real commitment and just dating isn’t enough. Any thoughts?

Sincerely,
Tammy

Read the rest of this entry »

Kenneka: Why don’t men listen to their wives/girlfriends and do their own thing…only to find out the outcome of the situation is not what they thought it would be, making their other halves RIGHT. why is that…why can’t some men just listen! ugh

DY: LOL, this sounds more like a rant than an actual question. But, to answer it, sometimes we just gotta do things ourselves before we realize that we should have been doing something else first. And, um, we (men) aren’t alone in this. Shyte, there are going to be women who are going to write some 3000 word long question to me today about some Shytety situation they’re in, ignore my advice, and then come back a month later like “Damn…I should have listened. Now, I need bail money. And a new kidney. That n*gga stole my kidney!!!”

Montana: so… is it wrong to begin cheating on your S.O. because you found out they were cheating on you?

D.Y.: No. Not at all. Herpes bingo is always a fun game to play, so pass the Valtrex and cheat away!

From Your Tango.com

Do you know exactly what kind of partner you’re looking for? While it’s almost always wise to know what you want, some experts insist that having a list of criteria for your future mate only sets you up for failure. After all, no one will ever meet every single standard … or will they?

In this video, Psychotherapist, Author & YourTango Expert Jasbina Ahluwalia addresses whether having a list of must-haves is a good idea, or whether it’s a recipe for dating disaster.

Watch what Jasbina had to say at Your Tango.com.

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From Hello Beautiful.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

My situation is this. I’m in love with my co-worker and have been for the past year. I am a very jealous person and don’t know how to control it. When he and I first met, it was at our job. It was an immediate attraction from day one, and everyday all day we would either be on the phone or texting each other.

A couple of months go by and we ended up sleeping together. He tells me that he is married and I almost wanted to cry because I felt lied to. He constantly tells me about how unhappy he is in his marriage so I try be a good friend, and just listen. Soon after that he tells me he needed to talk and his marriage is unraveled and he wants out.

He moves out of his place and moves in with me. He has gotten a divorce since then, but first started talking about how he wanted to be with me and wanting to marry me. He would tell me this while he was married, and it puzzled me that he would still find the time to text and call me. I asked how is that possible? I mean where is your wife while you’re on the phone with me?

We haven’t been sleeping together because I’m bothered about his being so secretive. He is always texting and now my feelings have got caught up and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m so unhappy because even though we aren’t sleeping together, our friendship is going down the drain because I sometimes act like I’m the girlfriend when I’m only his friend. We have both decided that being in a relationship isn’t healthy because I don’t trust him. My trust is because while he was married he was always texting me or hanging out with me. I don’t want to damage our friendship, but I am just wondering should I just call it quits and tell him to leave because I’ve been in tears wanting to be with him, but know it would never work out.

We are both going to school full-time and work full-time. I feel as though he is starting to talk to someone else because he seems to text all the time. I even talked to him about him texting because it bothers me. All I ask is that he gives me the same respect that I give him. He is sleeping in my bed and I’m not sleeping with anyone else so I just choose to be celibate. I can’t keep living like this and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m in love and just want these feelings to go away. He tells me that I don’t have a right to ask him who he is texting because he pays his bills, and I know he is right but I wish I could find out.

I recently thought about downloading a program on his phone that will send all his text and calls to my email, but I feel like I’m way over the line. His pattern hasn’t changed with me and by that I mean he comes home at the same time and has never been late for work. Ugh! I feel so dumb. I respect all your thoughts on different situations but when you respond to me could you please not call me a Itchbay. I can deal with criticism but not disrespect thanks. – In Love With My Co-Worker

Find out what “The Gay Best Friend” had to say in response at Hello Beautiful.com

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