Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Tiffany:  Hey Damon, longtime listener, first time caller ‘er something… My man & I got back together about a month ago after a brief break. The first couple weeks back he was telling me he loved me & showing me he cared by giving hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc. without me having to ask. A couple more weeks have gone by, and the affection has pretty much stopped. I’ve brought it up to him that I need more affection, especially since I know he’s capable of it (or at least he was for a couple weeks). He says his feelings haven’t changed & that I’m being petty for wanting more affection. He wasn’t raised in a very affectionate household, so that’s his excuse. Am I stupid to think he will come around again & show me affection like he did when we got back together? All other aspects of our relationship are great, but this ‘petty’ thing is a huge deal for me (and he knows that).

D.Y. This is one of those situations where you have to figure out if the minus of him not being affectionate outweighs the plusses he brings to the table.

Also, if he knows you’d like some more affection and basically calls you stupid for asking him for it, that’s not a very good sign for how he feels about you and your relationship.

Shari: As a slightly older female, how should I go about dealing with a guy who is younger than me?…The attraction is there, but I’m a little hesitant because I’ve always been into older men? Thanks.

DY: The answer depends on how much younger he is than you. If it’s a few years, I don’t think things would be much different than dating a guy a bit older than you. If it’s over a decade or so, though, you run an increased risk that the guy isn’t in the same “place” you are, and isn’t looking for the same things from a relationship. Either way, I’d advise you to proceed the same way you should with anyone else — with caution.

I have no proof of this, but I feel like I was one of those kids whose first word was “no.” I’m sure my rapidly developing mind fell in love with the power of it, the shock it induced, the autonomy it expressed. I know this because, to this day, no is still a word I’m particularly fond of. No to correct, no to scold no to decline. I’ll be the first to admit overuse of the word has proved problematic at times. It’s the type of word that erupts, sometimes unexpectedly, even when it’s inappropriate or not the most tactful way to express an idea. It’s a problem I’m working on. But you know where “no” has never–or rarely– failed me?

In the dating game.

“No” in the dating world is a weapon every woman needs in her arsenal. No to the sweaty, no-rhythm-having man in the club, no to the street hollerers, (particularly to the man who asked if he could play in my dreds), no to the guy friends who want something more and most of all, no to the crazies.

I’m overly cautious and slightly paranoid; but quirks aside, I’m always in awe of the number of fruits and nuts there are in this world. Truth be told, we all have our issues and could cross over into the land of mental instability at any given moment. But I’m not talking about us. And I’m not talking about the people who’ve been clinically diagnosed with some type of mental disorder and are able to acknowledge it. I mean the people who are feigning mental soundness, people who would swear on a stack of Bibles, the Qur’an the Torah and Buddha’s fat belly, that they are sane, more sane than you, in fact. They boldly assert their sanity all while hiding deep, dark unresolved issues. Issues that negatively impact every relationship they find themselves in.

The thing about these types of people is that, they’re crafty and sometimes even charismatic. They’ll swoop in and sweep you off your feet, convincing you, at least for a short period of time, that they’ve got just what you need. But it doesn’t take long before someone’s true character rises to the surface. Before you know it, bells, whistles and alarms will be blaring in your ears, warning you that “somethin’, somethin’ just ain’t right.”

This moment right here is crucial. As soon as the alarms sound, you’re left with a decision. Do you heed the warnings and get the hell out of dodge or do you cling to your original expectation or the fantasy of dude, ignoring the vitally important warning signs?

I’m here to tell you don’t ignore the crazy. It’ll get you in trouble every. single. time.

I have a friend who’s the queen of ignoring the crazy. She has a soft spot for broken men. A brotha with minimal education, mommy issues, two children and a dead end job is a brotha who’s been misunderstood in her book. It’s a blessing and a burden, really. She empathizes with the downtrodden. That’s admirable. She often spends exorbitant amounts of time and energy helping them to be better men. And that’s admirable too. It only becomes a problem when said men, in all of their brokenness, can’t appreciate, can’t reciprocate can’t fathom why someone would show them this much kindness. And you know what people do when they don’t understand something? They fear it and since they fear it, they seek to tear it down. Piss on it, as I like to say.

But if my friend is the queen of ignoring the crazy, I’ve got to be the princess. Even I, a woman who considers every potential suitor crazy until proven sane, got caught up and ended up pissed on…repeatedly, actually. Not pissed on in the R. Kelly sense but pissed on in that after spending exorbitant amounts of time and energy trying to help and be there for homeboy, my efforts went unappreciated. And all of this was after much research…much research. How did this happen? I know I didn’t ignore the crazy!?! Naw, I didn’t ignore the crazy. But I sure as hell rationalized the brokenness. Every issue that set off the alarms I mentioned earlier, I excused, pressed the snooze button, assumed they weren’t that big of a deal or that they’d get better with time. Some of them did but a lot of them did not and ultimately I ended up paying for it.

So if you’re reading this piece, squirming uncomfortably in your seat, you’ve probably already heard the alarms and seen the red flags. This article is another one. You can choose to ignore it but don’t be surprised if you end up pissy.

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From YourTango.com

If you are dating someone who has a strong preference for textual communication, you know how frustrating it can be when all you want to do is hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Thankfully, YourTango Experts is here to help.

In this video, dating coach, matchmaker and YourTango Expert Julianne Cantarella offers advice about what to do when your man opts to text you even when the occasion warrants a more personal form of communication.

“The way you get it to stop is by setting precedence from the beginning for no texting,” says Julianne. “Texting can create a false sense of intimacy allowing you to believe that you’re in an exclusive relationship when you really aren’t.”

Watch what this expert has to say about this subject at YourTango.com.  

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Dear Very Smart Brother,

I am hoping that maybe you can tell me whether this guy is really worth sticking with or if I am being played and should really leave and never look back. I have been seeing this guy for a little over 5 months now. We have been rocky since the start because when we first started talking he had just gotten out of a relationship. I was trying to guard myself and keep from becoming the rebound girl but he ensured me he was over her. I believed him…sorta.I have been hurt and lied too a lot in relationships so it is hard for me to trust but a man is only as good as his word and if he tells me something and I have no reason to not believe him I will.We both are college students (I’m 19 and a freshman, he is 20 and a sophomore), we attend schools in different cities so we are in a long distance relationship however we are from the same city. We met through a mutual friend who told me he is a “good guy.”

To get to the point, I have a hard time trusting him and other females. One of my biggest fears is getting cheated on and possibly never finding out about it or being lied to about it. But because we are doing this whole long distance thing a lot of what we do takes place over the computer and cell phone. This is where Twitter and Facebook come about. He tends to be a flirtatious guy, I do not like this and have told him and he keeps it under control at times, or so I think. He’s one of those guys that like girls pictures and comments on them and their posts. It wasn’t a problem until I saw he kept liking this one girl’s picture who goes to school with me. On those pics he even crossed the line and told her she was beautiful and even called her baby a few times. We talked about this and he stopped. I explained to him that it’s disrespectful to me to see this and what is the point unless he is trying to get the girl’s attention. This particular girl is a girl he used to have a thing with and apparently they are “just friends” now. (I have my doubts.) They hang out every now and then and it bothers me.  I also feel if he is content in what we have and since he knows how it makes me feel he shouldn’t want too, even if it’s just out of respect for me.

We also had issues with communication, he wouldn’t talk to me for some days and I’m like um you do realize we have this long distance thing going on here, if this is going to work we have to keep the connection strong somehow. For a while we would video chat or text a lot, talk on the phone. Now all we do is text and most of time we are arguing over something he did.

Now I have another breaking point with him on twitter. He flirts with other girls but claims it’s just a social media site and I take it too serious. But I feel sending winky faces and asking girls to text him and saying they are cute is borderline. I have tried ending things with him many times but I always find myself going back to him after we talk about the issues. I don’t know whether he is just good at lying or if really I do bug out over little things. I just feel I don’t need to be in a relationship if I’m not being respect or being played. He is a good guy in the sense that he not doing all the crazy stuff other young men are out there doing but bad in the sense that maybe he doesn’t respect me like he should and maybe that he’s not someone I should be with. Another thing that gets me is he tells me he loves me. I don’t say it back because I don’t and I’m not sure I ever will because I’m not sure if he is worthy of all my trust or if it’s all a game to him right now. But I wonder would a guy put up with all the arguing and distrust from a girl he just wanted to play? I want a good relationship where my boyfriend can talk to me about anything and we have genuine and mutual trust. I don’t know if I don’t trust him because of my life experiences or really cause of stuff he does. I really like him though. He makes me laugh, he seems to really care about me (at times). I am sorry this is so long but I wanted you to have all the details to really help me out.

Sincerely,
Run Away or Stay

From YourTango.com

Jennie is all torn up inside. She recently came to the realization that she’s in love. The guy she loves is perfect for her — he loves sports like she does, he’s considerate, kind and he even likes her parents. The trouble is that this guy doesn’t know she loves him. They’ve been close friends for years now. They have supported one another through bad relationships, job interviews, career successes and more. Now that they’re both single, Jennie is starting to realize that her feelings for him are more than just friends.

The other night, after they played a game of basketball together, she felt so attracted to him; she wanted to reach out and kiss him (and more). She stopped herself because she’s afraid of ruining their friendship if he doesn’t feel the same way. It happens quite frequently, actually. Two people get to know one another as friends. They enjoy hanging out together, confide in each other and rely on one another. This is great … until one of them decides that he or she wants more.

After that point, the person who has fallen in love with a friend needs to decide whether or not to tell the truth and/or act on those feelings. There is a chance that a wonderful and fulfilling love relationship could bloom from the friendship and that it could just happen naturally. However, there is also a chance that the attraction could be there — for both people — but neither one has the courage to admit it. This scenario leaves two friends hungering for more and afraid to do anything about it.

While some of the longest-lasting and closest love relationships are between people who are truly good friends first, taking that step from friends to romantic lovers can feel like a big and treacherous move to make.

Check out 3 tips to help you decide whether or not you should confess your love for your friend at YourTango.com. 

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Kandice: I’m seeing a great guy but the emotional and physical chemistry are not there. I tried to explain it to him but he’s convinced that he can change my mind. Should I go ahead and end it or should i give it a shot to see what happens?

D.Y. How long have you been seeing him?

Kandice:  ‎6 months. When we first met he was going thru a divorce so I purposely withheld feelings and told him there would be nothing physical. The divorce was finalized about 3 weeks ago and my feelings haven’t changed.

D.Y. Yeah, you need to leave that one alone. I mean, even if you were attracted to him, he doesn’t need to be seeing anyone right now anyway.

From YourTango.com

The saying goes “Fake it till you make it,” but that shouldn’t apply in the bedroom. If you’re not in the mood to get down, but your husband always is, it can create serious tension—and not the good kind—in your relationship.

In this video, Psychologist, Sex Therapist and YourTango Expert Dr. Megan Fleming answers the question: I feel like my husband badgers me for sex all the time. Is it better to give in and fake it, or be honest and wait till I have that luvin’ feeling again?

As Dr. Fleming points out, it sounds as if there are only two options here, but really, there are plenty of ways to solve this issue. She suggests making time in your schedule to turn yourself on, whether that requires thinking about “fantasies, remembering past sexual experiences, anticipating pleasure and how good that feels,” or something else. This way, you’ll be primed and ready for your husband’s constant urges.

Want more advice? Check out the video below.

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From YourTango.com

If you’re at the end of your rope with an alcoholic husband, you’ve come to the right place. In this video, Author, Psychologist and YourTango Expert Dr. Jack Singer answers the question: My husband has a serious drinking problem and it seems to be deteriorating. Is there anything I can do about that, or should I just plan on leaving him?

“The first step is to see if he admits he has a difficult time with alcohol and he’s willing to get help,” says Dr. Jack. “If the answer is ‘no,’ if he’s denying it or finding excuses, you need to get out of the relationship.” After all, the likelihood of recovery for an alcoholic in denial is awfully slim. On the other hand, if he can admit he has a problem and is willing to work on it, your marriage may still be saved.

Want more advice? Check out the video at YourTango.com.

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Sam: What should you do if a man has all of the morals and qualities you look for but he doesnt get your sense of humor or understand some of the vocabulary you use? (I  hope I’m not sounding shallow :/)

DY: I guess the answer to that depends on how much you value the conversation/shared interest aspect of a relationship. For some people, that’s the most important thing. For others, it doesn’t matter that much. I wouldn’t call you shallow for being concerned that your man doesn’t have a $100 vocabulary, but I will ask you to ask yourself if a man not having that really makes that much of a difference in your life.