All Articles Tagged "relationship advice"
I have been in a relationship for 4 years. We have a 1 year old and I have 2 other children from a previous relationship. He is awesome. He pays all the bills and rent, shopping money, trips for our family, he loves me and the kids like no one ever has. He bought me a house for Valentine’s Day last year in a really nice community…but another woman lives in his other house in LA… Should I give him more time to get rid of her or leave him now?
Not Satisfied with the Sugar Daddy
Kaliah: My fiancé works a lot I mean a lot we nearly never have time for us. I told him how I feel and he says he understands. But nothing has changed. I don’t want to keep nagging him about this because some men don’t do anything and here I have a man who works and provides for me and my baby which is not his. What am I supposed to do or say?
DY: Hmm. I have three questions for you:
1. Has he always been this way?
2. If yes to number one, why did you agree to marry him if you already knew you weren’t going to be happy about the amount of time you have together?
3. What does your screen name mean?
Colette: Should couples be friends on Facebook and should it be taken seriously when your other half makes side ways comments on other people’s statuses?
DY: Do I think it’s necessary that a couple be friends on Facebook? No. Do I think it is kinda weird if a couple isn’t friends? Yes. As far as the flirting goes, I don’t see much difference between offline flirting and online flirting. Basically, if he’s saying inappropriate things to other women, you have a right to be upset about it.
Mimi: My question is can a relationship work if neither person trusts the other after 13 years of cheating, one moving in with another lover?
DY: Why would you even want that relationship to work? There’s nothing you can do to turn a piece of sh*t into a steak, so why try?
Sunshyne: What do you think of a guy that tells you he doesn’t want to be with you but gets mad when you talk to someone else!
DY: Exactly that. He doesn’t want to be with you. But, doesn’t want you to be with someone else so that you’re always available to him.
Natacha: Yes! After being together 15 yrs (married 11) how do I get my husband to initiate date nights? I’m tired of ALWAYS making the plans and making the effort…. And I’ve told him so. I’m starting to get resentful.
DY: Perhaps he needs some stronger incentives. Also, have you asked him why he doesn’t initiate the date nights? What’s his reason for acting the way he does?
Schantel: What if you’re shacking, get engaged n then decide not to shack n live separate until we get married? Without making your partner feel like you don’t want them. A day has been set for the move but taking it hard and not taking it serious? I am on a spiritual journey n a single parent of 3 teens. Its just not adding up to who I want to be and thats a better mother n hopefully a great wife?
DY: Just try to explain to him exactly why you need to make that decision. Admittedly, if my girlfriend said something like that to me, I might first assume that she was having second thoughts about the marriage. So, when you have this conversation, you really have to stress the spiritual/religious aspect as best as you can.
Simone: Hi Damon, (Long distance relationship with an extremely busy man) when men know that things are well with their girl, they start to act chill (not responding to text messages within 24hrs, forgoing skype dates, phone calls) and then when the girl all of a sudden becomes too busy and does not reply because he’s used to her being available, he starts to freak out by sending back-to-back texts + phone calls…please explain.
DY: Do you really need an explanation for that? What you just described is human nature. We all have a tendency to take certain things we love for granted. And, once we’re threatened with losing that thing, we overcompensate to make sure it doesn’t happen.
Monique:I was in an extremely abusive relationship prior to the one I am in now. My new partner knows my past but I think he is putting too much pressure on commitment I not seeing anyone else I am just not ready to jump all the way in the fire. Why doesn’t he understand?
DY: I’m glad you were able to get out of that relationship. As far as your new man goes, he probably considers your reluctance to commit be a personal slight at him. Explain to him that while you’re definitely willing to move forward, it’s going to have to happen at a pace you’re comfortable with. If he’s still not cool with that, then maybe its time to reevaluate if you actually should be with him.
Hollywood “it” couple, Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin, are not the least bit shy when it comes to discussing their decision to practice patience in dating and wait for marriage. The happily married couple are now seeking to encourage others to embrace “the wait” in a new book that they are co-writing.
“It’s that waiting period where we really get the most anxiety and the most frustration, so we’re gonna be writing a book that will address that, and we believe it will be very helpful,” DeVon told Sister 2 Sister.
Though the book, which has been titled The Wait, will address waiting for true love, DeVon says that it will also address other crucial waiting periods in life.
“It’ll be called ‘The Wait.’ And it’s all about how you handle the waiting period in life… from the relationship wait to the marriage wait to the career wait.”
The Wait is set to hit bookshelves in 2014. We’re sure the book will offer tons of spiritual advice, since waiting on God seems to be the common message offered by the newlyweds.
“Keep God first. Make sure that the person you hook up with is someone that you feel in your spirit is right for you,” Meagan told HipHollywood over the summer. “Sometimes you think that you want somebody and then you find out that’s not what you really want and you’re stuck and you just gotta get out. So yes, seek God’s face on who you’re with.”
“Don’t do it for any other reason than love,” DeVon chimed in.
“Yes, because you are stuck with them… forever,” Meagan added.
So, will you be grabbing a copy of The Wait when it goes on sale next year?
Jazmine Denise is a celebrity news and entertainment blogger. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise.
We constantly hear about women of a certain age who become consumed by the silently loud ticking of their biological clocks. Constant societal reminders of the fact that we won’t be able to reproduce forever can sometimes send us into a frenzy, which tends to manifest in our dating lives. But if you ask 43-year-old actress Nia Long what she thinks about the constant pressure that women place themselves under to get married and reproduce by a certain age, she’ll tell you to relax and realize that none of this will happen before the appointed time.
“I think that women who are extremely driven to success, ambitious, I think they get to a point in their lives where they’re like, ‘Uh oh. I am 30-something years old, and I don’t have a husband and I don’t have children yet and what does that mean?’ I think what it means is stay in your course because it’s going to happen when it’s supposed to happen,” Nia said during an interview with Rolling Out.
“It doesn’t happen for everyone at the same time, so you can’t compare your life to someone else’s,” The Best Man Holiday actress added.
In addition to advising women to take the pressure off of themselves, Nia also encourages that they be open minded, because love may not always show up in the way that you expect it to.
“You have to have an open heart to be vulnerable to accept it when it does come. I think the more success you have as a woman, you kinda go, ‘Well, I don’t really need a man ’cause look: I have everything I want, but the truth is you do need a partner because at some point in your life you’re not going to want to walk alone.”
The 43-year-old beauty gave birth to her second son, Kez, a couple of years ago and remains in a relationship with her NBA coach boyfriend, Ime Udoka. Though the couple have been exclusively for some time now, Nia has gone on account several times saying that she’s in no rush to get married.
What do you think of her advice?
In 15 days, the highly anticipated sequel, Best Man Holiday, is scheduled to hit theaters. The film’s stars have been pretty busy doing press interviews to promote the upcoming theater release—including mancandy Morris Chestnut. The 44-year-old heartthrob appears on the November cover of Upscale Magazine, looking as dapper as ever. Inside, he opened up about his latest film project.
“This movie, this was the most challenging thing that I’ve ever had to do. I was just so emotional. The character was just so emotional—way more than the first one. When we did the first movie, the scene where I was at the altar and I had to cry when I was getting married, that shook me. For, like, years, I would think about that scene. It would give me chills,” Morris said.
He also dished on how he keeps his marriage to wife, Pam Byse-Chestnut, thriving after 18 years of marriage.
“I let my wife be the woman. You know? I let her be the woman…And she, in turn, when it comes down to it, she lets me be the man…”
One can only imagine how difficult it can be at times to be married to a sex symbol such as Morris, but the Best Man Holiday actor says that he frequently reassured his leading lady that she is his one and only.
“With my wife, I’m always letting her know what the deal is. ‘It’s you. Ain’t nobody else. It’s you.’ And I think, conversely, that’s what a woman needs to do for a man.”
Don’t you just love black love?
Maggie: What do you do when your dude and you are always fighting for stuff that happened in the past?
DY: Find out what the root issues are, and deal with them. If that doesn’t work, learn to let it go. And, if that doesn’t work, learn to let each other go.
Davina: I recently started seeing a guy who on paper seems perfect. However he is very rigid in his thinking and actions and he recently revealed in conversation that his father was extremely strict and abusive (verbally and physically). I suggested therapy but he is totally against that. My question is should I try and stick it out and see if I can get him to loosen up a bit or just except this is how he is and make a decision whether or not I can deal?
DY: If he’s already showing signs that he’s emotionally damaged and refuses to seek help, the answer is pretty clear. Again, if he agrees to get help, then that’s great for you both. But if not, you don’t need to stick around
Emma: I recently got back on the dating scene after a 14 year marriage and about 5 years working on myself. I have taken the advice of several reputable sources (Paul Paul Carrick Brunson, Shanel Cooper-Sykes, etc.) and really put myself out there. One thing that seems to be constant in my communication with potential partners is their OBSESSION with sex. Some of my first conversations have delved into favorite position, how long has it been and even butt/oral questions. Am I being a prude (a sign of the times) or am I justified when I run fast and far??
DY: It sounds like you may need to meet a new pool of men. If you don’t mind me asking, where are you meeting all of these middle-aged freakazoids?
Arhovist: My ex husband and I still have a close relationship, we have no kids Just a friendship. When dating, should I tell about this. Even if there is no hope of us getting back together?
DY: Maybe not on the first date, but if you think things may start to get more serious, you need to tell the new guy about that.
Naoka: what if you had a divorce? but you still love your ex husband….although you did feel as if he took you for granted……do you remarry or move forward…..no relationship is perfect…..everyone will have some type of issues,….go back or move forward
DY: Move forward. You got divorced for a reason, and after time that love you think you still have will eventually fade, and you’ll be glad you didn’t decide to get back together.
Syndie: I dated a guy back in high school 20 yrs ago. After we broke up back then, we never saw or spoke to one another. One day last year, we ran into each other and we exchanged numbers to catch up. After about a month of regular convo he starts asking for things. First it was a cell phone then he asked about my credit because he wanted a car. Of course I did not comply with his requests and he says it’s because I’m scarred. I was married for eleven years to an unfaithful man who eventually abandoned me and our daughter. Am I scarred or is he crazy?!?!!
DY: You sure this dude isn’t the person behind all of those Nigerian email scams? Seriously, you need to run, not walk, away.
Sarah: My husband and I had an argument over my hair. I went natural over a year ago and he has admitted that he doesn’t care for it. Last week I wanted to try something different so I tapered my hair. He was so upset, stating that I should have asked him first and that he dislikes short hair because it doesn’t flatter me. Was I wrong not to consult him first?
DY: This is always a tricky question. On one hand, it’s your hair and your body. But, on the other hand, people in serious relationships should be sensitive to each other’s wants.
In this instance, I actually think you’re both wrong. You were wrong not to at least mention something to him before you did it, and he was wrong to react the way he did.
More than anything, it feels like you two have some communication issues that need worked out. The hair is a symptom of a bigger issue.
We’ve already lamented over the fact that relationship books for men are virtually nonexistent, but if we could write one — and men would actually read it — here’s what we would tell them.
1. If you say you’re going to do something, do it
Simple concept, right? Men are notorious for promising the world and then backtracking when it comes time to actually bringing those things into fruition. If you say you’re going to take us to dinner Friday night, do it. If you say you’re going to call us when your flight lands to let us know you made it, do it. If you have no intention of doing either of these things, don’t say you will.
Me & this guy met right in the middle of our respective divorces. What was supposed to be a two week rebound for me turned into 4 months–we came to genuinely care for one another. I broke if off gently, saying we should give one another some time to heal. I go to therapy, he goes straight to the next girl (and therapy). However, we “hang out” regularly, and of this his gf is aware. I doubt she knows it’s every weekend. She definitely doesn’t know I sleep over (just sleep for now).
Months pass and for some reason, the chemistry’s still there. The old me woulda cut this off as soon as I heard about the new chick, but since I’d gotten so close to the family, I felt that would be wrong of me. Besides, his parents, brothers, and friends love me and I came to love them too-they were super supportive through my divorce since my parents couldn’t be.
More months pass and he’s still seeing the same girl, but the chemistry between us remains. I try to avoid him as much as I can. Now it’s been a year since he and I stopped dating each other. I’m still not dating by choice. he’s still dating homegirl, still calling me twice a week, and we’re hanging out almost every weekend. I’ve since moved outta state but like an idiot started sleeping with him right before I left. He still calls me twice a week without fail. I’ve been lying to get outta taking his calls for a couple weeks now.
I’ve finally accepted he has no plans to do any self-reflection any time soon, and I want out of whatever kind of relationship this is (side chick? Ex? whatever) and I thought putting a couple states between us would do it. Talking to him just causes me a lot of anxiety, but I still talk to his parents regularly. How do I gently convince this guy to leave me in peace, hopefully without alienating the fam? Or has this ship simply sailed?
- Bad with Breaking It Off
Wendee: What would you say are the 3 most important qualities a man looks for in a woman when a man decides he wants to be married.
DY: Depends on the man. But, if I had to do a quick aggregate of men I know (myself included), I’d say that, once you get past prerequisites like physical attraction and compatibility, a sense of compassion, a sense of loyalty, and the ability to laugh and have fun are the three biggest things.
Shannon: Is chivalry dead? Or is that if he’s truly interested he will be chivalrous?
DY: Chivalry definitely isn’t dead. It’s not even on life support. There are tons of chivalrous men out there. And, like you said, those who aren’t will change their tune if they meet someone they like enough.
Salena: If you’ve gotten into a committed relationship (living together, sharing expenses etc.) Marriage has come up in conversation however it doesn’t look like it’ll be happening within the next year or two, should you be discussing the possibility of children? Woman already has 4 from previous marriage.
DY: Personally, that’s not how I’d go about doing things, but if the couple is ok with having children before getting married—and if both parties are ok with putting marriage on the back burner for the time being—why not? That said, if one of the people in the relationship wants to get married sooner rather than later, having children is probably going to add some strain to that relationship.
Courtney: How does a woman who’s ready for marriage talk to get significant others about the seriousness of it without running him away or forcing him to marry?
DY: Tell him how you feel about marriage. If you don’t want to be in a long-term relationship unless marriage is in the future, you have to let him know. Don’t just assume that he’ll be able to read your mind.
And, as far as how he reacts to that, don’t worry about that. It’s out of your control
Mytyia: Yes- why does it seem like men tend to gravitate towards “Needy” women?
DY: Men gravitate towards women they’re attracted to and want to be with. Sometimes these women happen to be needy. Sometimes they happen to be less needy. But, for men who happen to be more drawn to needy women, the answer is obvious. Needy women make them feel needed.
Simone: What does it take for an emotionally walled/closed up man to open up?
DY: Could be any number of things. The right person, the right experience, therapy, etc. But, if this is a person you’re in a relationship with, you need to stress to him that he needs to eventually open up for the relationship to continue. Let him know you’ll be there with him on that journey, but stress that he needs to start on it.
Karla: How would you suggest I politely tell a man I’m not into him because of his weight?
DY: Unless you plan on getting with him if he loses weight, there’s no point in telling him why you’re not into him. Just tell him you just don’t feel a love connection there.
C: What do you do when he’s reluctant to make a commitment to be in a relationship ( keep saying I love you but not ready ? )
DY: Mirror his actions. If he’s not ready for or available to you, don’t be ready for or available to him.
Jakoya: How do you know if a man is truly feeling you?
DY: Does he consistently make time for you? Also, does he make (and keep) plans with you?
Nadiah: Why do men feel the need to play head games? Don’t matter if they’re 25 or 45… They wanna do mind tricks like we’re in Inception.
DY: Grown ups who still act like children do so because they’re able to. Basically, they don’t get enough negative reinforcement, so there’s no reason to stop acting the way they do.
Alicia”wrkincollege’girl”: How do feel about younger women dating older men? I am talking to a man 19 years my senior.
DY: If you’re a working college girl like how your name says, you don’t need to be seeing anyone twice your age.
Imani: We just got back together and he doesn’t do things he usually does. He’s taking his phone with him every where he goes around the house. He works nights and some nights he will come straight back to my house around a certain time and now he says he’s getting off later than what I’m used to. It’s a girl at church that likes him and he doesn’t want me to go with him [to church] anymore. But tells me another excuse on why he wants to go alone. He’s just not being consistent with our relationship.
DY: Ask him. Tell him point blank that you have certain suspicions and why you have them, and let him explain himself.
I know that’s not the most satisfying answer, but besides buying a ninja suit and following him around at night, it’s the best option right now.
Yalonda: I recently connected with a guy from high school thru Facebook. I don’t remember him from school at all. He has several stories about our interaction. None of which I remember. Anyway we have great phone conversations. We met today face to face. And now I think I remember him. He was annoying in H/S and he’s not really my type. Not sure what to do.
DY: Basically, you seem to get along now, but since you weren’t feeling him in high school, it’s affecting how you feel about him now? I mean, if you’re not feeling him, you’re not feeling him. But, you have to make sure you’re looking at him as an adult and not a 16 year old
My client, Lily, almost ruined her relationship with Jasper when she took some bad advice from a well-intentioned friend. It was past midnight when Lily lamented to Sophia that she really couldn’t tell if Jasper was attracted to her. “I dare you to text him and say that you’re coming over for a booty call” Sophia said, egging her on. Lily always felt shy and reserved when it came to men. Maybe Sophia was right—it wouldn’t hurt to be more forthright—and she could do with a little adventure. Besides, playing the good girl hadn’t gotten her anywhere. Lily grabbed her phone, punched in the message and hit the send button before she could change her mind. In a matter of seconds her phone buzzed. “Don’t come over. Early day tomorrow.” When she saw Jasper two days later, he was angry and said that she was sending him mixed messages, playing the good girl one minute and a tease the next. At our weekly session, tears were streaming down Lily’s cheeks as she told me that she felt stupid and humiliated. What could she possibly say to fix the situation?
Have you ever regretted taking relationship advice from your girlfriends? Girlfriends will loveand support you unconditionally, but often their advice is the exact opposite of what you need to do if you are going to have an emotionally unclothed relationship. Let’s look at 5 reasons why listening to their advice might be hazardous to health of your romantic relationship.
1. Your girlfriends will support your insanity no matter what.
Girlfriends are valuable because they love you unconditionally; however, that also means they might support your bad decisions. Your best friend might accompany you to drive-by your crushes house to see if he’s alone, or sit with you while you stalk his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page. They’re your friends for a reason: because they support you no matter what. As a unclothed Dater, when your crazy begins to show, you need to find friends who will tell you, “No!”
2. Your girlfriends probably aren’t in solid relationships themselves.
People love to give advice, but it’s almost impossible to get good relationship advice from girlfriends who are not in healthy, emotionally unclothed relationships themselves, or in relationships at all. Before you take advice from a girlfriend, look at her relationship or lack of one and ask yourself if this is someone who is really in a position to be giving advice. If not, speak to a friend who is in a solid relationship you admire. The only people who are truly qualified to give others advice on relationships are those who are living breathing examples of what do.
3. Your girlfriends might encourage you to play games. This never works.
I always say that if you play games, you’ll attract a game player. The point of unclothed Dating® is to become more open, honest and ready for love so you can attract a partner who is in a similar place. Every time you play hard to get, pretend you don’t care, or try to make someone jealous, you are not being emotionally unclothed and you will push love away. As a unclothed Dater, you want to look for female role models who encourage you to be real and let down your guard.
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