All Articles Tagged "relationship advice"
I met an amazing man 13 years ago. We dated briefly (no sex)! Last year we hooked up (had sex)! He asked me to live with him and basically live happily ever after. He constantly showed and told me he loves me. I was afraid and ran home. The sex was awesome and the kisses were magical. I think about him daily. He thinks that i only want to use him for sexual purposes. My question is, what can i do to show him that I’m not using him, that i wanna continue to enjoy him when he have this mental issue?
– Don’t Know What To Do
Dear “Don’t Know What To Do”,
Reading this reminded me that, for my own professional/personal growth, I need to find another show to reference besides The Wire. Because the first and only thing I thought after reading this was that your problem “sounded like one of those good problems.” (ht to Marlo Stansfield) You and your “friend” clearly like each other a lot, but you just haven’t found a way yet to communicate that to each other in a language you both understand.
Oh, and here’s another thing: You’re actually in the right here. As much as you both seem to like each other, he does seem a bit, for lack of a better term, “extra,” and you’re right to want to take things a bit slower. Especially considering that you had that long period of time between seeing each other. Just tell him that you really do like him, and wish to see how this progresses, but also wish to take things slowly. Basically, date each other. And make sure this connection isn’t just an infatuation.
Check out another question and answer on the next page.
Relationships are a lot of work. Though nothing worth having comes easy, it can be pretty taxing to try to keep the romance exciting and consistent. Luckily, there are businesses that have made it a priority to help you keep the romance in your relationship alive. Let’s look at a few of the businesses that you can call on to show that special someone just how much they mean to you.
I met my husband in high school. I had our first kid my junior year, as a result of a fling after we had left our high school sweet hearts.
We broke up right before I found out I was pregnant. While I was hospitalized (water broke prematurely) he called me everyday and asked if I’d take him back. He had went off to college to play football and we were together long distance.
During that time a lot happened, I was homeless at one point and moved to where he was for a better life. 4 years of marriage and a second child later, I found out he dated someone for about a month (they only went on one date) while I was away. And he still maintained an on and off relationship with his high school sweet heart.
Sometimes when we’re really going through it he would contact her and do the whole “what if” thing and then blame it on drunkenness. I feel like I was just the plan B girl, because of our child together, and because we’re so young I always hear comments about how I trapped him (which I would never do). I just want to know why he would stick around so long if he had feelings for his ex or wanted to see other people. Did I trap him without even knowing it? He’s a great looking guy and played football so he has no problems getting anyone he wants… Just wondered why he would stick around if he really wanted to be somewhere else, knowing I would let him go if that’s what he wanted. Sorry this was so long I felt I had to explain everything in detail.
The high school fling that turned into the real thing
Dear High School Fling,
For several months last year, I was working on a side project with a few friends. I won’t go into any details, but we had a great idea, a great plan, and were committed to executing that plan. But, a couple months or so into the project, something just didn’t feel right. Didn’t know exactly what it was, but things didn’t feel the way we expected them to, and weren’t progressing the way we wanted them to. The simple decision would have been to just regroup and start over, but it was almost like none of us wanted to admit what was happening wasn’t working, because we had to much time and thought already invested in what we were doing.
In business terms, this is known as a sunk cost. This mindset, however, applies to many relationships, where good and well-intentioned people stay with each other just because they’ve already invested so much of themselves into it. What eventually happened with us — and what needs to happen with you — was a “come to Jesus” conversation where we finally admitted that things weren’t working and needed to change. Because as much as we wanted to respect the time we already put into that work, we were losing even more time — and wasting effort and energy — by not changing things. Fortunately you’re both young and literally have your entire lives ahead of you. And trust me, you don’t want to be having the same shoulda/woulda thoughts at 45 that you’re having at 25.
DY: No. I don’t believe in absolutes. People change. But, that change will more likely happen with someone else than with the person they’re currently cheating on.
During the last season of “Mary Mary,” most fans watched in horror as Tina Campbell dealt with the reality of her husband’s infidelity. Judging by this season’s trailer, it seems that the singer’s marriage is still suffering from Teddy’s decision, but she assures us that they have survived that storm. Now, both Tina and Erica are offering advice to women who may find themselves in a similar predicament. Peep their interview above.
I have a very complicated history with music. Like most people, I’ve always loved it, and been drawn to it. However, my mother did what she could to keep music away from us.
It wasn’t because she was kill-joy. It was the fact that she was a health educator for the school district that we went to, and there were too many times that some of the kids in the different schools (and even in my elementary class) would come to her facility with issues about intercourse.
So my mother put a moratorium on music, to the point that when she was driving, we couldn’t even listen to gospel music (because at that time, Kirk Franklin was turning old secular songs to Christian ones, and she was against it), we listened to sermons.
My father, not wanting us to be the “weirdo kids” who didn’t know what was going on in pop culture, but could recite a Kenneth Hagin sermon from beginning to end, would sneak us music (but if we got caught with it, we were on our own).
Though my mother is less strict on music (because we’re all grown, and what can she do?!) I hold certain music very close to me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like it might get taken away, or what, but once I have “a song,” I like to keep it.
The problem that came with that, is when I would date, I would share some of my favorite songs with my guys (and vice versa). Those songs would be the soundtrack to late-night chilling sessions in dorms, cuddling moments, and cruising around in my small Hyundai because we didn’t have any money to go anywhere, but we wanted to hang out anyway.
But once those relationships ended, I couldn’t listen to those songs anymore.
This became even more evident when I had an urge to listen to Usher’s “There Goes My Baby” on Youtube and couldn’t even make it to the “turn the lights on” part. I knew that that song in particular was going to be hard to reclaim, because that was the song my ex-husband dedicated to me, but geez-louise, I still wanted to hear it.
It wasn’t until I looked at the selection of “Suggested Videos” on the side of my Youtube browser that I was confronted with my “Love Song Graveyard.”
There were so many songs that gave me a pang in my heart just looking at their titles. It wasn’t like I still had feelings for the guys who I listened to the songs with, but I guess I just didn’t want to be reminded of what didn’t last.
However, I’m incredibly stubborn, and figured that I need to get over this.
First, I realized that I never really confronted my feelings on each situation. Once the relationship was over, I just moved on with my life. You should do that; but for me, that included ignoring my feelings completely. I never had a time to just marinate in what I was feeling. So, I gave myself some time to think it over.
It wasn’t in an attempt to wallow, but to acknowledge whatever feelings I’d been suppressing.
Second, by thinking about it, I realized that though the relationships didn’t work, it didn’t mean that I was losing out on anything. For some reason, thinking back on the relationships allowed me to remove the emotions from them, and I was able to see them in black and white. Relationships begin, and some of them end, but that’s just life.
Finally, once I had an objective view of those past relationships, I was able to reclaim some of my favorite songs! Being objective helped me to able to separate the emotions that were tied to the song, and just enjoy them.
The end of a relationship can be hard, but that doesn’t mean that you need to end your relationships with your favorite music, restaurant, or gym. Whenever you feel ready, you can reclaim your favorite things, no matter what the emotions are that’s attached to them.
Trust me, my world has become a lot more musical of a late, and I couldn’t be happier.
Kendra Koger is gently bobbing her head, while occasionally tweeting @kkoger.
Alawanda: I’m becoming more conscious and awake. My beliefs have changed alot, extremely pro black, black love, he takes it as racism. I trying to deprogram what has been brainwashed in my head for generations. Yes we are married. He is semi conscious should I keep my views to myself?
DY: You don’t have to see eye to eye with everything with your spouse. But, what’s the point of being married to someone if you can’t talk to them and be honest with how you feel about things?
Niecy: Why do men try to hide their feelings from us? And you mean everything to them! And we show them ours…
DY: Sometimes it’s because men have been socialized to believe that showing feelings/emotions is a sign of weakness. And sometimes it’s because there aren’t any feelings to hide.
Denise: Why do men leave me hanging in a text message? No response for days…
DY: Sporadic communication is usually a sign that he’s not very interested in you.
Nicole: I’m 41 years old and looking to start dating again…any tips?? It’s been about 2 years since I’ve been out on a date and I’m nervous!
DY: Relax. Have fun. Enjoy life. I realize this seems like simple advice, but dating should be fun. And you won’t have fun dating unless you’re already having fun with your life.
Rae: Is it ok to have sex on the first date and can it develop into a relationship?
DY: Yes and yes. Just remember, make that decision when you’re comfortable making it. Not when you feel like you “have to.”
Allisha: How long is too long to date someone with no commitment?
DY: Depends on you. From my own experience, though, I pretty much knew how I felt about someone — at least in terms of commitment — after a few weeks of consistent dating.
Taye: When you truly like someone, but can’t tell the guy because he said he is not ready for a relationship because he has been hurt in the past…What should you do?
DY: Believe that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Hello. In one of your recent writings, you said that most relationships (62%, I think) need to end. I know you were joking, but you’ve said similar things before. I don’t get it. I thought the point of advice was to help people in their relationships, not end them. Didn’t you just get married yourself?Confused about your comments