All Articles Tagged "relationship advice"

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Man Still Sleeps At One Of His Baby Mommas’ House, Help!

July 23rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

Dear Damon,

I met this man at a club about a year ago. Already this was probably a seedy situation but shortly after that night when we met up with each other I realized he’s a pretty decent guy. As we got to know each other he started to reveal more and more about himself. I knew early on in the relationship that he had children but with each month, he seemed to add another. By the sixth month we were exclusive and he dropped the bomb, telling me he had 9 children with 7 different women.

By this point I really liked him and had so much invested, I figured I shouldn’t judge him too harshly for this. It was all in the past.

The problem came in when I learned that sometimes he sleeps at one of the mothers’ home. He told me that after he spends time with his child over there, he feels that if he travels all the way back to his house, he’ll fall asleep at the wheel.

Obviously, I have a problem with this and I’m wondering one, do you think I’ve made a mistake off top dating a man with seven baby moms and secondly, how should I ask him to stop sleeping over at his ex’s house?

- Dating A Straight Shooter

Dear Dating A Straight Shooter,

Every once in a while, I’ll get a question that requires some very deep thought and a nuanced, multi-layered response. And sometimes, I’ll get a question involving a situation so complex and/or serious that I’ll admit I have no answers; no clue about what the person needs to do.

This is not one of those situations.
So look. I’m not going to judge you for sleeping with the neighborhood seed spreader. And, I won’t judge him either. On the bright side, his semen philanthropy is helping to populate the community. Good for him!
But, if this relationship continues, I’m 99.999999% sure at least one of following will happen:
1. You will be baby momma number eight.
2. You will catch an STD.
3. He will continue sleeping with other women.
4. He will do prison time, because there’s no way he’ll be able to pay all that child support.
5. You will likely get into some type of altercation with either a woman he slept with or a woman he’s currently sleeping with.
6. When people in your neighborhood play “Who are these silly women who keep sleeping with this irresponsible and unemployable man???” trivia, you will be one of the answers.
7. You will regret your decision.
Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He’s Moving…Should I Follow Him?

July 16th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

I just started dating this man three months ago. Initially, I thought it would just be a summer fling but my feelings grew very quickly and I started fantasizing about a life with him. He’s introduced me to his parents a month after dating and things just felt right when I was with him. He recently he decided to move to Dallas (we live on the East Coast) because he’s tired of the fast paced lifestyle. To say I am devastated would be an understatement. I’ve been crying pretty much everyday since he told me he was leaving. He’s tried to comfort me, suggesting that I’ll find someone else. But I just can’t see it. It may sound crazy but I’m really considering following him to Texas. I just don’t want to be unhappy for months or years down the line, wondering what could have happened.

What do you think I should do?
Leaving For Love
Dear Leaving For Love,
I’m very sorry to hear that you’re heartbroken. From experience, I know that it can be a crippling pain — a mental, emotional, and spiritual ache that can even have physical effects. But, although you’re feeling down, I have some good news for you. It’s news that may not make you feel better any time soon, but please trust that it’s good news. 

1. You’re going to feel better.
Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not next week. Maybe not even next month. But the pain you feel now will subside. This may sound cliche, but it is true. Time does not heal all wounds, but believe when I tell you it will heal this one.
2. Your “one” wasn’t “the one”
In your letter, you bring up the possibility of moving to Texas to be with this guy. This would be the worst possible thing you can do. Why? Well, you’d be chasing someone who doesn’t want to be with you. If he did he would have stayed…or begged you to come with him. And it’s not like he got deployed to Iraq or something. He’s leaving because he’s “tired of the fast-paced lifestyle” — which means he wants to be in a different city more than he wants to be with you.
I realize this might be a bit blunt, but once you make it through your post-break up depression, you’ll see the truth in what I’m saying.

And, to your ex’s credit, there is one thing he said that’s definitely right. Eventually, you will find someone else.

Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I Date A Man With A Newborn Baby?

July 9th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Should I Date A Man With A Newborn Baby

NaaQuaye: Why do some guys find it difficult to open up and how can you get them to do so?

DY: This is the thing: Guys who do actually care don’t have difficultly showing it. If he doesn’t seem to care enough, he either doesn’t care, or he’s too emotionally immature to be with.

Relationship Expert Rob Hill Sr. Offers Advice On How To Move On After A Negative Relationship Experience

July 4th, 2014 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Having written multiple books filled with relationship advice that young black consumers can’t seem to get enough of, it’s probably safe to say that Rob Hill Sr. knows a thing or two about love. We were recently able to catch up with the self-proclaimed Heart Healer, just before the kick off of his I Want You To Be Good speaking tour. During our chat, the Amazon best-selling author offered advice on how to move on after a negative relationship experience, dealing with insecurity and breaking free from the mindset that love is game.

Relationship expert Rob Hill Sr. offers advice on how to move on after a negative relationship experience, coping with relationship insecurity and abandoning detrimental mindsets.

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MN: What are the steps that a person looking to find love again should take after a traumatic relationship experience?

Rob: First, I would say that you have to accept what happened for what it was. You can’t wish it were different or wish that it happened different. You can’t move forward if you have a whole bunch of regrets from that.

Two, they have to ask themselves what their options are. There are two ways. You can move forward with someone else or you can move forward and take some time for yourself. A lot of people avoid the single option.  They think the easiest way to get over somebody else is to get somebody new, but usually what they end up doing is having the same relationship over and over again.

Three, I think you just gotta forgive yourself of the mistakes you’ve made previously. You gotta be confident that you’re smart, be confident that you’re strong and more equipped to move forward. I think that after you do those three things, you’ll have the mind to move forward.

Should You Upload? 14 Relationship Commandments For Social Media

June 30th, 2014 - By Dee Rene
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Relationships and social media sometimes are a toxic mix. We’ve all seen the break ups, make ups and screw ups go down on Facebook, Twitter and more. We all use social media differently – for business or pleasure – but there are certain commandments to keep in mind. Comment below! Do you agree? Disagree? Or have a few of your own?

Fellas: 12 Reasons Why A Women Would Rather Remain Single Than Date You

June 27th, 2014 - By Charing Ball
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Woman Would Never Date You

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One of the more reoccurring relationship questions black men, in particular, ask– or the one I see most online–are around why a woman doesn’t want them.

Well not exactly a question. He will never come right out and ask that. That would require a bit of vulnerability and less ego. But instead, we hear and read stuff like: “Black women are gold diggers and only want ballers,” or “Black women only want thugs and to be on welfare.” I think you get what I’m saying…

So in the interest of helping the brothers figure it out, I comprised a list of very valid reasons why the much quoted 70 percent of black mothers and 40 percent of professional black women (or whatever shape-shifting percentage is being thrown around this week) would rather stay single than to hook up with you.

Yes clench those teeth and hold onto your seats, because this post is gonna hurt a bit…

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Am I Emasculating Men?

June 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Dear Damon, 

A couple years ago, I was riding in a cab with a couple of friends of mine who had started dating, maybe about six months ago. The man was a colleague of mine but it was clear that the woman he had been seeing was making more money than him at the time.  So once we reach our destination, I see the woman rifle through her purse looking for cash to pay the fare. But instead of handing the money directly to the driver, she hands it to my friend and then he gives it to the driver. 

Now, I didn’t say anything that day but it was something I never forgot. Years later they’re married and the other day I ran into him, my former colleague. Now that he’s married, and also making about as much as his wife is now, if not more, he feels like he’s some type of relationship expert. When I mentioned that day in the cab and how bizarre I found it, he said that the reason I’m still single is because I emasculate men. Basically, because I felt her gesture said more about his own insecurity and didn’t feel the need to coddle that, I’d never be able to relate to a man, particularly if he made less money than me. 

What do you think about that? Should women have to bend over backwards to make men feel like men when they don’t fulfill the traditional roles in a relationship?

-Was She Doing Too Much?

 

Dear Was She Doing Too Much,

I don’t know how this happened — maybe there’s a full moon tonight or something — but you managed to be 100% right and 100% wrong at the same time. This is like finding a unicorn covered in gold at the end of a rainbow. I’m impressed and perplexed. Basically, I’m implexed. 
Let’s start with how you’re right:

I too would have thought that the cab gesture was odd. Because, well, it was odd. I get his point about about being emasculated. While in DC a couple months ago, I overheard a woman tell her man something like “…well, you aint got no money anyway, so why are you talking?

THAT is emasculating. Paying a man’s cab fare is not, and the lengths your friend and his then girlfriend went through to put on that act are just plain extra.

But — and this is where the wrong comes in — everyone has their own unique relationship dynamic. And while that was definitely odd, it seems to be working for them. As far as you’re concerned, why even bring that up? What did you intend to get out of reminding him of a time years ago when he didn’t have enough money to pay for cab fare? Now, I don’t agree with his unsolicited (and somewhat insulting) relationship advice, but what did you expect? You insulted him, and he responded in kind.

Regarding your question, there’s no “should” or “shouldn’t” involved when it comes to this topic. If you’re comfortable fulfilling certain roles that are traditionally held by men, fine. If you’re uncomfortable doing that, it’s fine too. All that matters is that you find someone you’re comfortable with. Basically, find a relationship that works for you, and don’t concern yourself about the ones you’re not in.
Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com. 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Giving “The Cookie” And Then Taking It Away

June 18th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

Elexis: I’m 24,educated, and l prefer monogamy,but do you think I’m too young to be focused on something serious since I have STANDARDS when dating? Or do you think I should date around and weigh my options????

DY: I think you should keep living life and having fun. If you meet someone great? Great! If not, that’s great too. But, more than anything else, remember to enjoy your 20s.

Simone: What are your thoughts on giving the cookie then taking away the cookie for undetermined length of time. What kinda reaction would a boyfriend give?

DY: When in a relationship, sex should never be used as a punishment. Doing that creates a dangerous precedent. If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don’t, don’t. But don’t use it as a carrot.

2. Do me a favor. Please, never, ever, ever, ever refer to your vagina (or sex) as “the cookie” again.

Max: I am 40,educated, single parent of 1. My last relationship was with my child’s father,who passed away over 7 years ago. I am so scared to get into a relationship. I fear getting involved with a pedophile, abuser, or user. Yet, I long for companionship. I am not a very social person. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset. My child is 11y/o, and I keep telling myself to wait until she is an adult. Would this be the right thing to do?

DY: It sounds like you’ve never gotten over the death of your child’s father. If you haven’t already, I’d see a therapist. You might be suffering from depression.

Rochelle: I have been on and off with a guy for several years. Last summer when we were in a good place he said he couldn’t go any further…….I understood and took a step back and dated and no longer had sex with him……..he has never stopped pursuing and I don’t know whether to take him seriously “This Time” or not……..any advice?

DY: He’s had several years to show whether you should take him seriously. The answer obviously is “No”

Lynne: When it comes to relationship advice on social media- you often see men address women, women address women…. why do you think you think men rarely/almost never address other men when it comes to investing in a relationship?

DY: Two things

1. There’s a bigger market for relationship advice geared towards women. Women seem to be more willing to consume it, so that creates more people willing to give it.

2. There is a lot of male-to-male relationship discussion. The reason why you don’t see it is because…you don’t see it. Basically, these conversations don’t often happen when women are around. But, they definitely happen.

That said, I do think that the societal burden to “do better” with relationships/dating unfairly falls on women. It needs to be more balanced.

Samara: My ex of 4 years was planning on marrying me. He spoke to my parents got the ring the whole 9. Long story short he left because he found out I was having conversations with other men. Thats it conversation. There was never anything sexual our intentions of a relationship with these men. For me it was an outlet because my ex was no longer my best friend. We have been separated for 2 years yet he makes his presence know. He’s words exactly “you don’t see me all the time but I’m here at a distance. I’m still here” what is that about. Either you want to work together or you don’t I don’t get it.

DY: If you were making emotional connections with other men (plural), it sounds you may have been the one who didn’t want to “work together”. Which is fine. But, you should probably admit that to yourself.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

The Art of Meeting Someone… Anywhere

June 18th, 2014 - By Dee Rene
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Warm weather means it is time to be out mixing and mingling. But meeting someone while you are out anywhere is an art form. Maybe you’re out enjoying the latest art festival, a walk through the park, or rooftop drinks, but don’t seem to make any connections! You could be making a few mistakes or not sending out the right vibe. Here are a few tips for meeting someone anywhere and hopefully landing a fun summer date!

  1. Go out alone / break away from the pack

Safety first. Don’t go out alone on a walk down a dark alley at night. However, you can try a walk, an event, or yes even happy hour alone. You can look your most approachable when you’re at a nice steak house for happy hour or casually walking through a gallery. When you are out with a large group of friends, break away from the group for 10 minutes or more. When someone doesn’t have to steal you away from your friends or infiltrate your Spartan like dance circle to get to you, it’s more likely that you’ll be approached. Walk around, stand somewhere separate, and make eye contact. You’ll likely notice new people and maybe catch someone’s eye!

 

  1. Look less occupied

Chances are if you are going out alone you’ll pack a book, your phone, iPad, a journal and anything else to help you avoid just sitting there doing nothing. However, when you are pouring into your phone with headphones on, you may completely miss the person that’s smiling at you as you walk by. If you’re intensely working on something on your computer or wearing dark shades while reading a book, you give off the “I’m busy” vibe and may deter someone from interrupting. You don’t have to sit there the whole time with nothing but try to spend part of the time with all your distractions put away. Someone is more likely to talk to you if they don’t feel like you might snap on them for interrupting something important.

 

  1. Conversation starter

When someone is approaching you to start a conversation, he or she is looking for an opening line other than “hi.” Make it a little easier and have a conversation starter. Maybe wear a funny t-shirt, play music from your favorite band, or have an interesting magazine on your table. I wore a shirt that said “Black Girls are Magic” to a happy hour once and had more conversations in one night than I did ever before. Why? People who approached me were interested in the shirt’s meaning and in a quick 30 seconds learned something about my personality too. It broke the ice and we easily moved from talking about the shirt to exchanging contact info. It also helps if you attend events where starting a conversation is easy and welcomed instead of impossible like at loud clubs or concerts.

 

  1. Combat Looking Rude

My natural resting face gives a “leave me alone” vibe. If you are the same, you have to combat your stank face. If someone makes eye contact with you and you’re interested, try to smile. The smile immediately changes the vibe of your face. Keep your thoughts light and positive. Our face tends to mirror our deep thoughts and you want to keep your face from looking upset, brooding, or troubled.  Another way you can come off rude is in how you dismiss the approaches of people that don’t interest you. Avoid the eye roll as they walk away or the whispers to your friends. The person watching you from across the room can see all of this and may get deterred. Even when you’re out shopping or walking around, how you interact with the people around you can play a part if someone approaches you or not. Be mindful that you may say a whole lot with your mannerisms before you even say hello.

 

  1. Take charge

You can be the initiator this year! Make a positive comment about someone’s outfit or reading material or simply just say hello. The art of meeting someone anywhere is a two way street. You’ll not only need to look approachable, but you may have to do some of the approaching too. Rejection is part of the game and you can’t let that scare you into missing out on some great dates.

 

What about you? How do you perfect your art of meeting someone anywhere? Any other tips and advice? Share in the comments.

You can follow Dee on twitter at @deerene_ or read more of her work @laughcrycuss

 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Don’t Men Forgive Cheating Women?

June 11th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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champ213

Dear Damon,

This is more of a general question, not anything I’m asking because of personal experience, just something I’ve observed. While there countless examples of women taking men back and forgiving them after they’ve cheated, why does it appear to be so hard for men to do the same? You may have heard the story of the 99 year old man who divorced his wife of 77 years after he found out about an affair she had 60 years ago or even more recently T.I. scolding his wife on Instagram for posing in a bikini or taking a picture with Floyd Mayweather when his own commitment to their relationship is…questionable. I understand men and women are different creatures but why is it so hard for men to forgive these type of offenses? Do you think they men do forgive more often than we know of and they just don’t talk about it like women do?

Sincerely,

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

I have three somewhat connected but completely separate answers to this question. For clarity’s sake, I’m going to list them numerically.

1. I can’t speak for all men. But I can say with confidence that if you were to poll the men of America, asking them to name the number one relationship dealbreaker, physical infidelity would be at the top of the list. I realize (most) women don’t exactly love it when men cheat as well, but men (generally) are much more non-negotiable when it comes to that.

Why is this true? Well, some people will argue biology, that it’s an inherent quality we (men) possess. Some argue that we’ve been socialized to be less forgiving. But regardless of the base reasons, the emotional reaction is what matters, and when a woman cheats on a man, it makes him feel like his manhood has been taken from him. Basically, she cheated because the other guy was able to provide something physically that he wasn’t. Obviously, there are dozens of reasons — some that have nothing to do with bedroom prowess — that can contribute to a woman’s infidelity, but for (most) men, that “loss of manhood” is the immediate thought. And, for many men, there’s no getting over that.

2. That said…there are many men who welcome back cheating mates. They definitely exist. We just don’t hear as much about them because, well, lemme put it this way: (Generally speaking) Men tend to be less vocal about cheating mates than women are. Again, I’m speaking in general terms, but when a man cheats on a woman and she finds out about it, she’s going to tell everyone from her aunt to her hairdresser. If a woman cheats on a man, he’s going to tell….nobody. Because, right or wrong, he knows it’ll reflect badly on him. But yeah, there are a lot of men who know about their woman’s cheating, but take them back and keep things discreet.

3. This subject is often brought up from a “Why can’t men be more forgiving?” angle. Which is the wrong way to look at things. It’s not that men should be as forgiving with cheating as some women are. No, women should actually be less forgiving.

This — the idea of “cheating zero tolerance” — is one of the few instances where I think it would help women to be more like men. Basically, instead of expecting T.I. to be more forgiving of Tiny, we need to ask why Tiny is so forgiving of T.I.

Sincerely,
Damon Young