All Articles Tagged "relationship advice"
Shanetta: Hi Damon, I know it’s pretty common to hear about women who have a child with a man and can’t let them go afterwards but in my case, the roles are reversed. Between the constant strolls down memory lane, flirting, attitudes whenever I get male attention and the infamous weekly declarations of his love and desire to be with me, (literally almost every week since I became pregnant 3 years ago), it takes a toll. Now the problem is, the day I took the test, he left, packed his things and told me to get an abortion. I didn’t hear from him again until about 2 weeks later. By then, my trust in him was completely destroyed. So finally, my question is, is the fear of becoming a father THAT real to make you leave the one you supposedly love? Also, what do I do when a man goes above and beyond to prove his love for me, but rarely acknowledges our child without my pushing him to do so?
DY: Whether it’s because of nerves, anxiety, or just plain fear, it’s not extremely uncommon for men to freak out about a pregnancy. Of course, not all men do this. In fact, most don’t. But some hear that news and just don’t know how to handle it.
But, there’s a difference between “freaking out” and “breaking up with your girl and telling her to abort the child.” That’s just insane. And badgering you about getting together — while at the same time ignoring his child — takes the insanity to another level. At this point, you just need to tell him that while you’ll need his help in raising your child, the romantic relationship ship has sailed. One baby is enough. No need to be raising two.
I’m something like a match-maker/event planner. And I’m organizing this speed dating event where I’m inviting a set group of men and women. To make sure that we get the right caliber of people I’ve had the men fill out a short questionnaire that asks basic questions. One of them is age. Interestingly, I’m coming across quite a few men who don’t want to share their age…which is odd to me.
I’ve stumbled across this in the past and I’ve even asked one guy why he didn’t want to share. He said because when you tell people your age they start labeling.
Who knows…the whole thing just seems weird to me. I mean, I don’t even know a whole lot of women who follow the ‘don’t tell your age’ rule these days. What do you think about this?
What do they have to hide?
Dear What Do They Have To Hide,
Last year, Iowa State point guard DeAndre Kane was one of the best and most electrifying players in NCAA basketball. He was first team All-Conference, third team All-American, and seemed to have the size and skillset that would make him attractive to NBA teams. But, when the NBA draft came around, Kane went undrafted. Why? Well, there are a few reasons you could cite for that, but it ultimately came down to one thing: His age. He was a 23-year-old college senior (and 24 the day of the draft). This might not seem that old, but, when it comes to college basketball today, it’s practically ancient, because most of the best players are already in the NBA by that age.
Basically, Kane was a full-grown man playing against 18 and 19-year-olds. When you factored in his age, his accomplishments just weren’t as impressive.
Although this was a basketball example, it translates to the real world as well. Whether fair or not, age is a consideration when judging a person’s accomplishments, goals, and trajectory. A 25-year-old living at home, or in some entry level position, or still making YouTube rap videos in his spare time is going to get more leeway than a 35-year-old doing the same thing. And, if a guy is hesitant about volunteering his age, it’s usually because he realizes that he’s probably not where society — or, better yet, the type of women he’s interested in — would expect a man his age to be.
Also, if you’re the type of guy interested in 23-year-old women, being “30-something” or some other vagary about your age might sound better than “37.”
Still, your age is the one thing about you you’ll never, ever, ever be able to change. And a man not embracing that part of himself because of some insecurity or trickery is a huge (Huge!) red flag.
Recently, R&B artist Sevyn Streeter sat down with her friends at “The Breakfast Club,” to talk about her career, her current tour, the music and her favorite topic these days: her romantic relationship with fellow artist B.O.B.
Angela Yee brought up the subject of her baby boo, revealing that Sevyn likes to get choked in the bedroom.
Listen here, I don’t kill the fun. And I think that that is important. I think it’s sexy. When you’re with somebody that you love and trust or whatever…it’s important that you don’t kill the fun.
If that’s her cup of tea, sip on boo. I’ve heard good things. But the conversation got particularly interesting when Sevyn shared her philosophy on sex in relationships. Here’s what she had to say.
I think that when you commit to somebody and you take them off the market, right? I think that it is your job as a woman or as a man to– I don’t think you should ever say no. Anal sex I’m not into, but I mean, if you’re tried–‘Oh, I’m tired, I don’t feel like it.’ No. Because at the end of the day, you took that person off the market. They can’t go and be with somebody else because they’re with you. So, don’t you ever say no.
Charlemagne argued that the statement actually opens the door for a man to cheat if she ever finds that she has to say no. Sevyn said that she actually agrees, homeboy should be able to step out, if the woman holds out.
I think Sevyn’s advice is…something. My first thought was that it sounds unrealistic. Life is unpredictable and while I agree you shouldn’t make a habit of telling your boo no; things come up. Hormones and sexual desires change for both men and women throughout life. Sometimes a “no” will be necessary. Then I thought, this is the second time I’ve heard someone talk about this market. Boris Kodjoe was the first person I heard say it, in reference to his marriage with Nicole Ari Parker. He too said that because they took each other “off the market,” they should both invest in making sure they stay right and tight, physically. And if either one of them slips on holding up their end of the bargain, the other would be within his or her rights to step out.
I don’t know about this market. It just makes the whole relationship seem like a business investment or decision. And the moment your acquisition isn’t performing as you expect, you’re ready to trade up, step out or kick them to the curb. Love doesn’t work like that. In love, you’ll be there when your partner gains a little or a lot of weight because while the body is nice, you, hopefully, feel in love with their spirit and soul–which remains. And that same love for the spirit should remain if your partner can’t break you off one night…or a few nights.
There’s also this bit about not being able to say no that troubles me. That’s a dangerous message to send to young girls and grown women when it comes to sex, particularly when so many girls and women feel pressure already. “No”, even within the context of a marriage, should always be an option. It is absolutely crushing to feel like your body is at the whim and disposal of another just because you’ve entered into a relationship with that person. Penny Wren, one of our writers, touched on the importance of women having their needs met in relationships as well; even if it’s the need for rest, it’s a need a compassionate partner should be able to respect.
And lastly, from a deeply personal standpoint, Sevyn’s advice just seems like entirely too much, entirely too soon. I’m not trying to pussy police anybody but the thought that she’s giving this man this much access so soon is a little alarming. I think I would be a bit more receptive to the advice if it came from a woman in a seasoned marriage…or something similar, like an Oprah/Stedman situation. If she’ll never say no to B.O.B now, what privileges does he get as their level of commitment to each other grows? I’d hate for this to turn into a “he won’t buy the cow” speech; but seriously, this is a lot for a dude you’ve been dating for a few months.
But that’s just me. Ladies, what do you think about the notion that you should never tell your man no when he asks for sex?
You can watch Sevyn Streeter explain in the video below.
I met an amazing man 13 years ago. We dated briefly (no sex)! Last year we hooked up (had sex)! He asked me to live with him and basically live happily ever after. He constantly showed and told me he loves me. I was afraid and ran home. The sex was awesome and the kisses were magical. I think about him daily. He thinks that i only want to use him for sexual purposes. My question is, what can i do to show him that I’m not using him, that i wanna continue to enjoy him when he have this mental issue?
– Don’t Know What To Do
Dear “Don’t Know What To Do”,
Reading this reminded me that, for my own professional/personal growth, I need to find another show to reference besides The Wire. Because the first and only thing I thought after reading this was that your problem “sounded like one of those good problems.” (ht to Marlo Stansfield) You and your “friend” clearly like each other a lot, but you just haven’t found a way yet to communicate that to each other in a language you both understand.
Oh, and here’s another thing: You’re actually in the right here. As much as you both seem to like each other, he does seem a bit, for lack of a better term, “extra,” and you’re right to want to take things a bit slower. Especially considering that you had that long period of time between seeing each other. Just tell him that you really do like him, and wish to see how this progresses, but also wish to take things slowly. Basically, date each other. And make sure this connection isn’t just an infatuation.
Check out another question and answer on the next page.
Relationships are a lot of work. Though nothing worth having comes easy, it can be pretty taxing to try to keep the romance exciting and consistent. Luckily, there are businesses that have made it a priority to help you keep the romance in your relationship alive. Let’s look at a few of the businesses that you can call on to show that special someone just how much they mean to you.
I met my husband in high school. I had our first kid my junior year, as a result of a fling after we had left our high school sweet hearts.
We broke up right before I found out I was pregnant. While I was hospitalized (water broke prematurely) he called me everyday and asked if I’d take him back. He had went off to college to play football and we were together long distance.
During that time a lot happened, I was homeless at one point and moved to where he was for a better life. 4 years of marriage and a second child later, I found out he dated someone for about a month (they only went on one date) while I was away. And he still maintained an on and off relationship with his high school sweet heart.
Sometimes when we’re really going through it he would contact her and do the whole “what if” thing and then blame it on drunkenness. I feel like I was just the plan B girl, because of our child together, and because we’re so young I always hear comments about how I trapped him (which I would never do). I just want to know why he would stick around so long if he had feelings for his ex or wanted to see other people. Did I trap him without even knowing it? He’s a great looking guy and played football so he has no problems getting anyone he wants… Just wondered why he would stick around if he really wanted to be somewhere else, knowing I would let him go if that’s what he wanted. Sorry this was so long I felt I had to explain everything in detail.
The high school fling that turned into the real thing
Dear High School Fling,
For several months last year, I was working on a side project with a few friends. I won’t go into any details, but we had a great idea, a great plan, and were committed to executing that plan. But, a couple months or so into the project, something just didn’t feel right. Didn’t know exactly what it was, but things didn’t feel the way we expected them to, and weren’t progressing the way we wanted them to. The simple decision would have been to just regroup and start over, but it was almost like none of us wanted to admit what was happening wasn’t working, because we had to much time and thought already invested in what we were doing.
In business terms, this is known as a sunk cost. This mindset, however, applies to many relationships, where good and well-intentioned people stay with each other just because they’ve already invested so much of themselves into it. What eventually happened with us — and what needs to happen with you — was a “come to Jesus” conversation where we finally admitted that things weren’t working and needed to change. Because as much as we wanted to respect the time we already put into that work, we were losing even more time — and wasting effort and energy — by not changing things. Fortunately you’re both young and literally have your entire lives ahead of you. And trust me, you don’t want to be having the same shoulda/woulda thoughts at 45 that you’re having at 25.
DY: No. I don’t believe in absolutes. People change. But, that change will more likely happen with someone else than with the person they’re currently cheating on.
During the last season of “Mary Mary,” most fans watched in horror as Tina Campbell dealt with the reality of her husband’s infidelity. Judging by this season’s trailer, it seems that the singer’s marriage is still suffering from Teddy’s decision, but she assures us that they have survived that storm. Now, both Tina and Erica are offering advice to women who may find themselves in a similar predicament. Peep their interview above.
I have a very complicated history with music. Like most people, I’ve always loved it, and been drawn to it. However, my mother did what she could to keep music away from us.
It wasn’t because she was kill-joy. It was the fact that she was a health educator for the school district that we went to, and there were too many times that some of the kids in the different schools (and even in my elementary class) would come to her facility with issues about intercourse.
So my mother put a moratorium on music, to the point that when she was driving, we couldn’t even listen to gospel music (because at that time, Kirk Franklin was turning old secular songs to Christian ones, and she was against it), we listened to sermons.
My father, not wanting us to be the “weirdo kids” who didn’t know what was going on in pop culture, but could recite a Kenneth Hagin sermon from beginning to end, would sneak us music (but if we got caught with it, we were on our own).
Though my mother is less strict on music (because we’re all grown, and what can she do?!) I hold certain music very close to me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like it might get taken away, or what, but once I have “a song,” I like to keep it.
The problem that came with that, is when I would date, I would share some of my favorite songs with my guys (and vice versa). Those songs would be the soundtrack to late-night chilling sessions in dorms, cuddling moments, and cruising around in my small Hyundai because we didn’t have any money to go anywhere, but we wanted to hang out anyway.
But once those relationships ended, I couldn’t listen to those songs anymore.
This became even more evident when I had an urge to listen to Usher’s “There Goes My Baby” on Youtube and couldn’t even make it to the “turn the lights on” part. I knew that that song in particular was going to be hard to reclaim, because that was the song my ex-husband dedicated to me, but geez-louise, I still wanted to hear it.
It wasn’t until I looked at the selection of “Suggested Videos” on the side of my Youtube browser that I was confronted with my “Love Song Graveyard.”
There were so many songs that gave me a pang in my heart just looking at their titles. It wasn’t like I still had feelings for the guys who I listened to the songs with, but I guess I just didn’t want to be reminded of what didn’t last.
However, I’m incredibly stubborn, and figured that I need to get over this.
First, I realized that I never really confronted my feelings on each situation. Once the relationship was over, I just moved on with my life. You should do that; but for me, that included ignoring my feelings completely. I never had a time to just marinate in what I was feeling. So, I gave myself some time to think it over.
It wasn’t in an attempt to wallow, but to acknowledge whatever feelings I’d been suppressing.
Second, by thinking about it, I realized that though the relationships didn’t work, it didn’t mean that I was losing out on anything. For some reason, thinking back on the relationships allowed me to remove the emotions from them, and I was able to see them in black and white. Relationships begin, and some of them end, but that’s just life.
Finally, once I had an objective view of those past relationships, I was able to reclaim some of my favorite songs! Being objective helped me to able to separate the emotions that were tied to the song, and just enjoy them.
The end of a relationship can be hard, but that doesn’t mean that you need to end your relationships with your favorite music, restaurant, or gym. Whenever you feel ready, you can reclaim your favorite things, no matter what the emotions are that’s attached to them.
Trust me, my world has become a lot more musical of a late, and I couldn’t be happier.
Kendra Koger is gently bobbing her head, while occasionally tweeting @kkoger.