All Articles Tagged "rejection"
“As A Woman You Should Be Able To Say No” Female Comic Brutally Beaten After Rejecting Men’s Advances
It’s a shame that being a woman, living and moving in the world, can be a dangerous endeavor. Paris Sashay, a 23-year-old comedienne, was out with her friends late last Saturday night when she was brutally attacked by a group of men.
The men called out to Sashay and her friends and when she rejected their advances, the interaction turned violent. Sashay was walking to her parked car when the men pushed her to the ground. She blacked out but later woke up in the hospital with a broken nose, chipped teeth, a swollen lip and bruises.
She told a Washington NBC affiliate, “Guys make it where you don’t have a right to say no anymore. But as a woman, you should be able to say no,” Sashay said. “Just say no. You’re just not interested.”
When Sashay woke up in the hospital she was worried less about her appearance but more about whether or not she’d be able to perform at the DC Improv comedy club. She had decided that the men who hurt her weren’t going to silence her.
“No matter how much it takes, I’ll just go out, perform and do whatever it takes to make the people laugh. I won’t let the people down.”
As you might assume, with medical and dental procedures needed, Sashay’s healing will not be cheap. As a result a Go Fund Me page was set up to assist with the costs of her recovery. The original goal was $2,000. In three days time, supporters donated $4,038.
True to her word, Sashay did indeed take the stage yesterday, less than a week after her assault.
She posted this message of gratitude to those who supported her.
As outrageous as it seems, Sashay’s story is not unique. There have been far too many stories of women being attacked and even killed by men who took a woman’s “no” as an excuse for violence.
Around this same time last year, Mary Spears, a mother of three in Detroit, was repeatedly harassed and eventually killed her after she told a man she couldn’t give him her name and number because she was engaged. Several of Spears’ relatives were also injured by gunfire.
A woman in Tampa was beaten and bloodied after she refused a man’s sexual advances.
A woman in Chicago was followed and brutally attacked by a man on the L train after she rejected his pickup lines.
One man bashed at least four Asian women in the head with a bag containing a heavy object. He later killed himself; but before he did so, he wrote a note entitled, “Why I decided to leave earth.”, explaining why he attacked these women.
“In less than 350 days, I talked to nearly 1500 Asian women and none of them took time out of their day to say hello. I became furious. I never agreed with violence, but I knew the only way I could overcome that sense of rejection-would start by assaulting the Women that carelessly rejected me.”
And these are just the examples I was able to dig up in a five minute Google search. It’s a problem.
Again, #MasculinitySoFragile a woman not wanting to speak to or date you warrants heinous crimes in retaliation.
There are crazy people in the world. And our mothers and fathers have prepared us for them. Travel in groups, carry pepper spray, park in a well lit area etc.
But many of the women in the incidents I’ve just listed were following at least one of these rules and they were still attacked.
Women know the rules.
It’s time parents, friends, older dudes on the corner start teaching boys, young men and grown men that a bruised ego doesn’t mean he has the right to insult, attack or kill a woman.
Just the other day I wrote about a sad reality. The fact that a lot of times we don’t outright reject a man for fear that our words might compromise our own safety.
Sadly, 27 year old Mary “Unique” Spears, experienced this phenomena. And the mother of three, didn’t live to tell about it.
Spears and her family members were celebrating the life of a deceased family member at a Detroit rental hall when a 38 year old man, who the family had never seen before, started harassing her.
Spears’ relative, who was afraid to show her face, told Detroit’s Fox affiliate, WBJK, “He said, ‘Can I get your name, your number. She said ‘I have a man I can’t talk to you.'”
But the man didn’t want to take no for an answer. Instead, he continued to harass her until around 2 am. When Spears was walking out, the man grabbed and hit her. Spears’ fiancee confronted the man and a fight broke out.
In the midst of the fighting, the man who had been trying to approach Spears, began shooting.
“He shot her one time,” Spears’ relative recalled, “And she tried to run. And he shot her two more times in her head.”
The man fired more shots injuring Spears’ fiancee and sending four other family members to the hospital.
Spears, a mother of three, did not survive the shooting.
Although Detroit police quickly arrested the man when he tried to run and he is now behind bars, the family is still living in fear.
Spears’ relative said, “I’m scared to walk outside just because of that. I’m scared if I reject a guy, he’s going to shoot me now?”
Spears’ aunt, Belinda Bailey, said, “What was on your mind that you could be so evil to kill a beautiful woman because she said no to you?”
If you’d like to help the family of Mary “Unique” Spears, you can donate under her name to the Swanson Funeral Home, 806 East Grand Blvd. Detroit, Michigan 48207, (313) 923-1122. Or visit the family’s Go Fund Me page here.
Under Armour, the athletic clothing brand, is on a mission to prove that their products are for women just as much as they are for men. Under Armour’s CEO Kevin Plank said, during a launch event for the new initiative that “[t]here is a new way Under Armour is going to speak to female athletes and create a voice for athletic females. So today we are starting that conversation and positioning our women’s business to equal or surpass our men’s business in the future…that is the march we are on today.”
Earlier this year, they released a string of ads starring Black ballerina and American Ballet Theatre soloist Misty Copeland, the first African American soloist in the past twenty years. Initially they were all just print ads but earlier this week the brand released the first video advertisement with Misty as model of perseverance. And it’s beautiful and quite inspiring.
The commercial called “I Will What I Want” features Misty training in a studio while the voice of 14-year-old Raiya Goodman reads a rejection letter from a ballet school.
Thank you for your application to our ballet academy. Unfortunately you have not been accepted. You lack the right feet, Achilles tendons, turner, torso length and bust. You have the wrong body for ballet. And at 13, you are too old to be considered.
As each one of her “flaws” are listed, the camera makes them the focal point. But then the scene shifts and the music changes as Copeland dances, muscles fully flexed, onto a dimly lit stage. Then as Misty stares directly into the camera, her title “professional ballet dancer” rolls across the screen.
And at the end the words, “I Will What I Want” appear.
Misty Copeland told the New York Times that she never received a rejection letter that so brashly listed the reasons she was unfit to be a ballerina but she said it did accurately represent the resistance she faced throughout her career.
“Once I hit puberty I experienced all of those things. I was told I had the wrong body type, to lose weight, that I had to lengthen because I was too muscular and that my bust was too big.”
Leanne Fremar told the New York Times: “Misty is a ballerina, she’s not a competitive athlete, but she brings a modern athleticism to a very traditional art form, and she pushes the boundaries on the status quo of the word ‘athlete.’ There are a lot of sports, activities, hobbies and passions that women are engaging in that are athletic and physical and should be celebrated, whether it’s dance or soccer or kickboxing or spinning.”
And Misty said of ballet, “A lot of people think of dance as a really sort of frivolous thing, that you just kind of get on the stage and twirl around. [But the commercial is] showing the physicality of what it takes to be a dancer, and to be a professional ballerina, and is giving us the respect that we are just as hardworking as any athlete.”
Although I hate to admit, I have been dumped a couple of times. Quite honestly, I don’t know too many people that haven’t been. It hurt like hell and left me wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Maturity has led me to realize that getting dumped probably wasn’t about me at all.
A wise friend once asked me who the most important person in my life was. At the time, I replied, “I would have to say my Mom.” He corrected me and said, “No, you are the most important person in your life.” It took me a minute to get where he was coming from, but following a further discussion I realized he was correct. At first, it may seem self-centered, but it really is very logical. Everything you do is about you even if you are doing something for someone else. It is about your choices, your beliefs, your desires, etc. Every action you take in life and every decision you make is rooted in your personal experience, which is why you are the most important person in your life.
Conceptually, I believe this is easier to digest for non-parents as good parents often put their kids first. Nevertheless, it holds true. If you don’t take care of yourself first then, you won’t be able to take care of your kids. Your very desire to put your kids first is all about your understanding and expectations of what it means to be a good parent and the same applies to relationships. We have all dated people who seemed like the perfect person on paper, but just for somebody else. And, ultimately, it wasn’t that they weren’t great it was that they just weren’t for you.
Read more on why Author Nathan Hale Williams says you shouldn’t take getting dumped so personally on Essence.
There’s something in all of our lives that can make us a little scared. Call it a fear of the unknown, but certain things can have such a hold on us that they stop us dead in our tracks. One common fear many of us have is rejection in the workplace. Even if this makes you nervous, it will be your job not to let it hold you back. Here are some ways you can combat your fear of rejection.
When you’re in the dating scene, one situation that you’re more than likely to experience is rejection. Being rejected is one of the worst things to ever have to experience, especially when you liked the man and thought that he liked you as well. Sadly, being rejected is all part of dating and coming closer to finding a man who fits all of your wants and needs. After rejection, you’re bound to feel hurt, ugly, and angry all at once, but don’t let those feelings consume you. Bounce back from the disappointment like this.
We’ve all been in a position to have to reject someone. A friend or co-worker is crushing on us, but we’re not interested. They’re still coming at us, and we’re running the other way. They think we’re vibing. You know you’re not. What to do?
No one likes to be rejected. Sometimes, being the “rejector” is just as hard, if not harder, than being the “rejectee.” After all, no one wants to be the bad guy; but sometimes, you really have no other choice than to let someone know that you’re just not feeling them. It’s an unpleasant experience for all involved, but here are 9 things to keep in mind when letting someone down easy.
The art of dumping is not an easy one to master, but it’s a necessary one. Letting someone down the wrong way can at best leave you with a guy sending you angry texts for months, and at worst leave you with a bad reputation. So here’s how to do it with diplomacy.
Being a girl, growing into a woman is no easy task. There are a lot of bumps and bruises, twists and turns that just come with the territory. While we wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything, there are certain things we’re happy we never have to relive again.
When it comes to telling people “no,” it appears easier for men because 1) women don’t take kindly to rejection so they’re more hesitant to do the same to their friends, 2) women can be a bit irrational when thinking about the consequences of saying “no,” and 3) men and women tend to have different standards when it comes to friendships.
The “slight” difference between men and women.
Men and women have different ways of dealing with requests made by friends. When asked for a favor both will determine whether they will say yes depending on 1) how reasonable the request is and 2) whether they’re actually capable of carrying out the asked favor. Women, by nature, tend to be more giving and take the feelings of the person into consideration. Also, women generally tend to be more willing to go the extra mile, even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process.
Women don’t like being told no. By anybody.
As I talked about in my earlier piece regarding women and rejection, women don’t like being told “no.” This is a key point as to why it’s easier for men to say no. If a friend asks me for a favor that I either cannot do or have a reason not to do, telling him no isn’t seen as a rejection of the person. If a favor cannot be granted, it simply means that favor cannot be granted. For men, it’s possible that because we experience rejection more often (like when approaching women) we simply don’t have an emotional reaction to it. Furthermore, unless it’s a “life or death” situation, we’ll simply resolve to either asking someone else to do it or handling it ourselves.
The gates of hell will not open up because you turned down a friend’s request.
While discussing women’s internal conflicts with telling someone no, I’ve found that women tend to be a bit more extreme with respect to the emotional ramifications. Not to be sexist, but women seem to be far more likely to think of worst case scenarios when saying no. I’ve witnessed stress and belief that the gates of hell will open up and swallow women whole for rejecting a favor. Or, in a more realistic case, they believe it makes them a bad person for not being able to help. Life, and these types of situations, are hardly, if ever, that serious.
If you can’t help, you can’t help. If you don’t wish to sacrifice yourself every time someone asks to help, that’s perfectly fine too. There are a myriad of reasons to refuse to help someone, even if it wouldn’t take the effort to text a response. Whatever the case, men tend to take a far more pragmatic view on these decisions than women, which is why it might appear men have less of a problem saying no than women do.
Men tend to do it like “this” and women tend to do it like…”that.”
Lastly, it might also be worthy of consideration to take into account the nature of friendships for men and women. From an observational standpoint, women tend to deal with the slights of their peers differently than men do. Whereas men are generally of the mind, “that’s the homie and if he can’t do it then he can’t do it,” I find women don’t take that same approach. Again, observationally speaking, women tend to be more likely to bring up those past favors when handing them out or feeling as if they’ve gained a chip they will be able to “cash in” at a later date. A woman does her friend a favor and she later feels as if the next time she needs a favor to be done, she shouldn’t be refused. It almost turns into a “look at what I did for you and you can’t even help me out when you need me” type of situation. No, that’s not every woman and every situation, but I do think in some cases that’s the logic being used.
The bottom line is it’s easier for men to say no because we tend to believe the person will likely be able to fix their situation at some point. Women tend to believe if they can’t help, something terrible will happen and it’ll make them a bad person. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that some situations are much harder for men to say no to (especially when a woman of his interest is asking) and it’s far easier for women to say no (especially when it comes to men they don’t care for) in certain situations. Like most like situations, its all depends on the context and who’s asking.
For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com.