All Articles Tagged "rejection"
Just the other day I wrote about a sad reality. The fact that a lot of times we don’t outright reject a man for fear that our words might compromise our own safety.
Sadly, 27 year old Mary “Unique” Spears, experienced this phenomena. And the mother of three, didn’t live to tell about it.
Spears and her family members were celebrating the life of a deceased family member at a Detroit rental hall when a 38 year old man, who the family had never seen before, started harassing her.
Spears’ relative, who was afraid to show her face, told Detroit’s Fox affiliate, WBJK, “He said, ‘Can I get your name, your number. She said ‘I have a man I can’t talk to you.'”
But the man didn’t want to take no for an answer. Instead, he continued to harass her until around 2 am. When Spears was walking out, the man grabbed and hit her. Spears’ fiancee confronted the man and a fight broke out.
In the midst of the fighting, the man who had been trying to approach Spears, began shooting.
“He shot her one time,” Spears’ relative recalled, “And she tried to run. And he shot her two more times in her head.”
The man fired more shots injuring Spears’ fiancee and sending four other family members to the hospital.
Spears, a mother of three, did not survive the shooting.
Although Detroit police quickly arrested the man when he tried to run and he is now behind bars, the family is still living in fear.
Spears’ relative said, “I’m scared to walk outside just because of that. I’m scared if I reject a guy, he’s going to shoot me now?”
Spears’ aunt, Belinda Bailey, said, “What was on your mind that you could be so evil to kill a beautiful woman because she said no to you?”
If you’d like to help the family of Mary “Unique” Spears, you can donate under her name to the Swanson Funeral Home, 806 East Grand Blvd. Detroit, Michigan 48207, (313) 923-1122. Or visit the family’s Go Fund Me page here.
Under Armour, the athletic clothing brand, is on a mission to prove that their products are for women just as much as they are for men. Under Armour’s CEO Kevin Plank said, during a launch event for the new initiative that “[t]here is a new way Under Armour is going to speak to female athletes and create a voice for athletic females. So today we are starting that conversation and positioning our women’s business to equal or surpass our men’s business in the future…that is the march we are on today.”
Earlier this year, they released a string of ads starring Black ballerina and American Ballet Theatre soloist Misty Copeland, the first African American soloist in the past twenty years. Initially they were all just print ads but earlier this week the brand released the first video advertisement with Misty as model of perseverance. And it’s beautiful and quite inspiring.
The commercial called “I Will What I Want” features Misty training in a studio while the voice of 14-year-old Raiya Goodman reads a rejection letter from a ballet school.
Thank you for your application to our ballet academy. Unfortunately you have not been accepted. You lack the right feet, Achilles tendons, turner, torso length and bust. You have the wrong body for ballet. And at 13, you are too old to be considered.
As each one of her “flaws” are listed, the camera makes them the focal point. But then the scene shifts and the music changes as Copeland dances, muscles fully flexed, onto a dimly lit stage. Then as Misty stares directly into the camera, her title “professional ballet dancer” rolls across the screen.
And at the end the words, “I Will What I Want” appear.
Misty Copeland told the New York Times that she never received a rejection letter that so brashly listed the reasons she was unfit to be a ballerina but she said it did accurately represent the resistance she faced throughout her career.
“Once I hit puberty I experienced all of those things. I was told I had the wrong body type, to lose weight, that I had to lengthen because I was too muscular and that my bust was too big.”
Leanne Fremar told the New York Times: “Misty is a ballerina, she’s not a competitive athlete, but she brings a modern athleticism to a very traditional art form, and she pushes the boundaries on the status quo of the word ‘athlete.’ There are a lot of sports, activities, hobbies and passions that women are engaging in that are athletic and physical and should be celebrated, whether it’s dance or soccer or kickboxing or spinning.”
And Misty said of ballet, “A lot of people think of dance as a really sort of frivolous thing, that you just kind of get on the stage and twirl around. [But the commercial is] showing the physicality of what it takes to be a dancer, and to be a professional ballerina, and is giving us the respect that we are just as hardworking as any athlete.”
Although I hate to admit, I have been dumped a couple of times. Quite honestly, I don’t know too many people that haven’t been. It hurt like hell and left me wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Maturity has led me to realize that getting dumped probably wasn’t about me at all.
A wise friend once asked me who the most important person in my life was. At the time, I replied, “I would have to say my Mom.” He corrected me and said, “No, you are the most important person in your life.” It took me a minute to get where he was coming from, but following a further discussion I realized he was correct. At first, it may seem self-centered, but it really is very logical. Everything you do is about you even if you are doing something for someone else. It is about your choices, your beliefs, your desires, etc. Every action you take in life and every decision you make is rooted in your personal experience, which is why you are the most important person in your life.
Conceptually, I believe this is easier to digest for non-parents as good parents often put their kids first. Nevertheless, it holds true. If you don’t take care of yourself first then, you won’t be able to take care of your kids. Your very desire to put your kids first is all about your understanding and expectations of what it means to be a good parent and the same applies to relationships. We have all dated people who seemed like the perfect person on paper, but just for somebody else. And, ultimately, it wasn’t that they weren’t great it was that they just weren’t for you.
Read more on why Author Nathan Hale Williams says you shouldn’t take getting dumped so personally on Essence.
There’s something in all of our lives that can make us a little scared. Call it a fear of the unknown, but certain things can have such a hold on us that they stop us dead in our tracks. One common fear many of us have is rejection in the workplace. Even if this makes you nervous, it will be your job not to let it hold you back. Here are some ways you can combat your fear of rejection.
When you’re in the dating scene, one situation that you’re more than likely to experience is rejection. Being rejected is one of the worst things to ever have to experience, especially when you liked the man and thought that he liked you as well. Sadly, being rejected is all part of dating and coming closer to finding a man who fits all of your wants and needs. After rejection, you’re bound to feel hurt, ugly, and angry all at once, but don’t let those feelings consume you. Bounce back from the disappointment like this.
We’ve all been in a position to have to reject someone. A friend or co-worker is crushing on us, but we’re not interested. They’re still coming at us, and we’re running the other way. They think we’re vibing. You know you’re not. What to do?
No one likes to be rejected. Sometimes, being the “rejector” is just as hard, if not harder, than being the “rejectee.” After all, no one wants to be the bad guy; but sometimes, you really have no other choice than to let someone know that you’re just not feeling them. It’s an unpleasant experience for all involved, but here are 9 things to keep in mind when letting someone down easy.
The art of dumping is not an easy one to master, but it’s a necessary one. Letting someone down the wrong way can at best leave you with a guy sending you angry texts for months, and at worst leave you with a bad reputation. So here’s how to do it with diplomacy.
Being a girl, growing into a woman is no easy task. There are a lot of bumps and bruises, twists and turns that just come with the territory. While we wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything, there are certain things we’re happy we never have to relive again.
When it comes to telling people “no,” it appears easier for men because 1) women don’t take kindly to rejection so they’re more hesitant to do the same to their friends, 2) women can be a bit irrational when thinking about the consequences of saying “no,” and 3) men and women tend to have different standards when it comes to friendships.
The “slight” difference between men and women.
Men and women have different ways of dealing with requests made by friends. When asked for a favor both will determine whether they will say yes depending on 1) how reasonable the request is and 2) whether they’re actually capable of carrying out the asked favor. Women, by nature, tend to be more giving and take the feelings of the person into consideration. Also, women generally tend to be more willing to go the extra mile, even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process.
Women don’t like being told no. By anybody.
As I talked about in my earlier piece regarding women and rejection, women don’t like being told “no.” This is a key point as to why it’s easier for men to say no. If a friend asks me for a favor that I either cannot do or have a reason not to do, telling him no isn’t seen as a rejection of the person. If a favor cannot be granted, it simply means that favor cannot be granted. For men, it’s possible that because we experience rejection more often (like when approaching women) we simply don’t have an emotional reaction to it. Furthermore, unless it’s a “life or death” situation, we’ll simply resolve to either asking someone else to do it or handling it ourselves.
The gates of hell will not open up because you turned down a friend’s request.
While discussing women’s internal conflicts with telling someone no, I’ve found that women tend to be a bit more extreme with respect to the emotional ramifications. Not to be sexist, but women seem to be far more likely to think of worst case scenarios when saying no. I’ve witnessed stress and belief that the gates of hell will open up and swallow women whole for rejecting a favor. Or, in a more realistic case, they believe it makes them a bad person for not being able to help. Life, and these types of situations, are hardly, if ever, that serious.
If you can’t help, you can’t help. If you don’t wish to sacrifice yourself every time someone asks to help, that’s perfectly fine too. There are a myriad of reasons to refuse to help someone, even if it wouldn’t take the effort to text a response. Whatever the case, men tend to take a far more pragmatic view on these decisions than women, which is why it might appear men have less of a problem saying no than women do.
Men tend to do it like “this” and women tend to do it like…”that.”
Lastly, it might also be worthy of consideration to take into account the nature of friendships for men and women. From an observational standpoint, women tend to deal with the slights of their peers differently than men do. Whereas men are generally of the mind, “that’s the homie and if he can’t do it then he can’t do it,” I find women don’t take that same approach. Again, observationally speaking, women tend to be more likely to bring up those past favors when handing them out or feeling as if they’ve gained a chip they will be able to “cash in” at a later date. A woman does her friend a favor and she later feels as if the next time she needs a favor to be done, she shouldn’t be refused. It almost turns into a “look at what I did for you and you can’t even help me out when you need me” type of situation. No, that’s not every woman and every situation, but I do think in some cases that’s the logic being used.
The bottom line is it’s easier for men to say no because we tend to believe the person will likely be able to fix their situation at some point. Women tend to believe if they can’t help, something terrible will happen and it’ll make them a bad person. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that some situations are much harder for men to say no to (especially when a woman of his interest is asking) and it’s far easier for women to say no (especially when it comes to men they don’t care for) in certain situations. Like most like situations, its all depends on the context and who’s asking.
For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com.
Women far and wide hate having to approach men. Whether it’s a fear of rejection or some trite quotation stating how “women don’t find men, men find women,” most women are content with leaving the “hunting” to the men. Every once in a while though, a woman will find herself in a predicament where she is interested enough, compelled even, to approach a man she’s interested in. She’ll gather up all of her courage, take a couple of shots, and walk on over. Small talk will ensue, smiles will be exchanged, and just when it seems like everything is going right she’ll ask for his number and find her advances rebuffed. Said woman will die from embarrassment and swear she will never make a concerted effort to approach a man again then eventually die from loneliness…
OK. That was extreme.
But after talking with women who’ve been turned down by men, they always make it seem as if being rejected is the worst thing in the world. When I politely remind them of the hundreds of men they’ve likely rejected in the previous week, I always get the same explanation. “Guys are used to being rejected, so it’s nothing to them. When a woman gets rejected, it’s a much bigger deal.” If you find yourself to be one of these women who want to go for men they want but have trouble dealing with rejection, here are 4 tips you can use to prep for potential failed attempts.
1. You’re not going to die.
No doubt when you woke up this morning you likely walked by hundreds of men on the way to your respective destination. Every single one of those men have been rejected by a woman at some point in their dating life. As you can see, they’re still living, breathing and functioning in the world. Ladies, a man rebuffing your advances is not going to kill you. Hell, it’ll likely build some character. I’m sure you’ve gone through life and been rejected in other situations, right? Frame rejection by men in that same category. Yes, it hurts, but someone telling you “no” isn’t going to kill you.
2. Approaching men is like sex…kinda.
I’m shooting in the dark here, but the first time a woman has sex it’s usually a rather painful experience. Eventually though, you do it enough times and it starts to feel good. Great even. Pretty soon, you’re coming up with new ways, places, strategies and “go-to” moves so every time you have sex it’s a much more pleasurable experience.
Think of approaching men in that manner. The first time you approach a guy and you get rejected, it sucks. The more you do it, however, the better you’ll get at it. You analyze what you did wrong and try out different things to catch a guy’s attention. Maybe you don’t stutter as much when you approach one guy. You find a new way to flirt with the next guy. Pretty soon you’ll have a whole new arsenal of moves at your disposal for approaching guys and having success.