All Articles Tagged "rejection"
Although I hate to admit, I have been dumped a couple of times. Quite honestly, I don’t know too many people that haven’t been. It hurt like hell and left me wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Maturity has led me to realize that getting dumped probably wasn’t about me at all.
A wise friend once asked me who the most important person in my life was. At the time, I replied, “I would have to say my Mom.” He corrected me and said, “No, you are the most important person in your life.” It took me a minute to get where he was coming from, but following a further discussion I realized he was correct. At first, it may seem self-centered, but it really is very logical. Everything you do is about you even if you are doing something for someone else. It is about your choices, your beliefs, your desires, etc. Every action you take in life and every decision you make is rooted in your personal experience, which is why you are the most important person in your life.
Conceptually, I believe this is easier to digest for non-parents as good parents often put their kids first. Nevertheless, it holds true. If you don’t take care of yourself first then, you won’t be able to take care of your kids. Your very desire to put your kids first is all about your understanding and expectations of what it means to be a good parent and the same applies to relationships. We have all dated people who seemed like the perfect person on paper, but just for somebody else. And, ultimately, it wasn’t that they weren’t great it was that they just weren’t for you.
Read more on why Author Nathan Hale Williams says you shouldn’t take getting dumped so personally on Essence.
There’s something in all of our lives that can make us a little scared. Call it a fear of the unknown, but certain things can have such a hold on us that they stop us dead in our tracks. One common fear many of us have is rejection in the workplace. Even if this makes you nervous, it will be your job not to let it hold you back. Here are some ways you can combat your fear of rejection.
When you’re in the dating scene, one situation that you’re more than likely to experience is rejection. Being rejected is one of the worst things to ever have to experience, especially when you liked the man and thought that he liked you as well. Sadly, being rejected is all part of dating and coming closer to finding a man who fits all of your wants and needs. After rejection, you’re bound to feel hurt, ugly, and angry all at once, but don’t let those feelings consume you. Bounce back from the disappointment like this.
We’ve all been in a position to have to reject someone. A friend or co-worker is crushing on us, but we’re not interested. They’re still coming at us, and we’re running the other way. They think we’re vibing. You know you’re not. What to do?
No one likes to be rejected. Sometimes, being the “rejector” is just as hard, if not harder, than being the “rejectee.” After all, no one wants to be the bad guy; but sometimes, you really have no other choice than to let someone know that you’re just not feeling them. It’s an unpleasant experience for all involved, but here are 9 things to keep in mind when letting someone down easy.
The art of dumping is not an easy one to master, but it’s a necessary one. Letting someone down the wrong way can at best leave you with a guy sending you angry texts for months, and at worst leave you with a bad reputation. So here’s how to do it with diplomacy.
Being a girl, growing into a woman is no easy task. There are a lot of bumps and bruises, twists and turns that just come with the territory. While we wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything, there are certain things we’re happy we never have to relive again.
When it comes to telling people “no,” it appears easier for men because 1) women don’t take kindly to rejection so they’re more hesitant to do the same to their friends, 2) women can be a bit irrational when thinking about the consequences of saying “no,” and 3) men and women tend to have different standards when it comes to friendships.
The “slight” difference between men and women.
Men and women have different ways of dealing with requests made by friends. When asked for a favor both will determine whether they will say yes depending on 1) how reasonable the request is and 2) whether they’re actually capable of carrying out the asked favor. Women, by nature, tend to be more giving and take the feelings of the person into consideration. Also, women generally tend to be more willing to go the extra mile, even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process.
Women don’t like being told no. By anybody.
As I talked about in my earlier piece regarding women and rejection, women don’t like being told “no.” This is a key point as to why it’s easier for men to say no. If a friend asks me for a favor that I either cannot do or have a reason not to do, telling him no isn’t seen as a rejection of the person. If a favor cannot be granted, it simply means that favor cannot be granted. For men, it’s possible that because we experience rejection more often (like when approaching women) we simply don’t have an emotional reaction to it. Furthermore, unless it’s a “life or death” situation, we’ll simply resolve to either asking someone else to do it or handling it ourselves.
The gates of hell will not open up because you turned down a friend’s request.
While discussing women’s internal conflicts with telling someone no, I’ve found that women tend to be a bit more extreme with respect to the emotional ramifications. Not to be sexist, but women seem to be far more likely to think of worst case scenarios when saying no. I’ve witnessed stress and belief that the gates of hell will open up and swallow women whole for rejecting a favor. Or, in a more realistic case, they believe it makes them a bad person for not being able to help. Life, and these types of situations, are hardly, if ever, that serious.
If you can’t help, you can’t help. If you don’t wish to sacrifice yourself every time someone asks to help, that’s perfectly fine too. There are a myriad of reasons to refuse to help someone, even if it wouldn’t take the effort to text a response. Whatever the case, men tend to take a far more pragmatic view on these decisions than women, which is why it might appear men have less of a problem saying no than women do.
Men tend to do it like “this” and women tend to do it like…”that.”
Lastly, it might also be worthy of consideration to take into account the nature of friendships for men and women. From an observational standpoint, women tend to deal with the slights of their peers differently than men do. Whereas men are generally of the mind, “that’s the homie and if he can’t do it then he can’t do it,” I find women don’t take that same approach. Again, observationally speaking, women tend to be more likely to bring up those past favors when handing them out or feeling as if they’ve gained a chip they will be able to “cash in” at a later date. A woman does her friend a favor and she later feels as if the next time she needs a favor to be done, she shouldn’t be refused. It almost turns into a “look at what I did for you and you can’t even help me out when you need me” type of situation. No, that’s not every woman and every situation, but I do think in some cases that’s the logic being used.
The bottom line is it’s easier for men to say no because we tend to believe the person will likely be able to fix their situation at some point. Women tend to believe if they can’t help, something terrible will happen and it’ll make them a bad person. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that some situations are much harder for men to say no to (especially when a woman of his interest is asking) and it’s far easier for women to say no (especially when it comes to men they don’t care for) in certain situations. Like most like situations, its all depends on the context and who’s asking.
For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com.
Women far and wide hate having to approach men. Whether it’s a fear of rejection or some trite quotation stating how “women don’t find men, men find women,” most women are content with leaving the “hunting” to the men. Every once in a while though, a woman will find herself in a predicament where she is interested enough, compelled even, to approach a man she’s interested in. She’ll gather up all of her courage, take a couple of shots, and walk on over. Small talk will ensue, smiles will be exchanged, and just when it seems like everything is going right she’ll ask for his number and find her advances rebuffed. Said woman will die from embarrassment and swear she will never make a concerted effort to approach a man again then eventually die from loneliness…
OK. That was extreme.
But after talking with women who’ve been turned down by men, they always make it seem as if being rejected is the worst thing in the world. When I politely remind them of the hundreds of men they’ve likely rejected in the previous week, I always get the same explanation. “Guys are used to being rejected, so it’s nothing to them. When a woman gets rejected, it’s a much bigger deal.” If you find yourself to be one of these women who want to go for men they want but have trouble dealing with rejection, here are 4 tips you can use to prep for potential failed attempts.
1. You’re not going to die.
No doubt when you woke up this morning you likely walked by hundreds of men on the way to your respective destination. Every single one of those men have been rejected by a woman at some point in their dating life. As you can see, they’re still living, breathing and functioning in the world. Ladies, a man rebuffing your advances is not going to kill you. Hell, it’ll likely build some character. I’m sure you’ve gone through life and been rejected in other situations, right? Frame rejection by men in that same category. Yes, it hurts, but someone telling you “no” isn’t going to kill you.
2. Approaching men is like sex…kinda.
I’m shooting in the dark here, but the first time a woman has sex it’s usually a rather painful experience. Eventually though, you do it enough times and it starts to feel good. Great even. Pretty soon, you’re coming up with new ways, places, strategies and “go-to” moves so every time you have sex it’s a much more pleasurable experience.
Think of approaching men in that manner. The first time you approach a guy and you get rejected, it sucks. The more you do it, however, the better you’ll get at it. You analyze what you did wrong and try out different things to catch a guy’s attention. Maybe you don’t stutter as much when you approach one guy. You find a new way to flirt with the next guy. Pretty soon you’ll have a whole new arsenal of moves at your disposal for approaching guys and having success.
A few days ago I penned a piece on why men need to have dating standards. It was based around the realization that at some point in my dating history, I had to decide that I deserved to be able to say no to women. I thought that it was always unfair when a man walks away from a woman that he is made out to be the bad guy. It’s almost as if, “I just don’t think I like you as much as I thought I would,” was always a bad thing to say. Connected to that is the fear that men have when telling women “no” or anything else they may not want to hear. Many men will lie or not answer questions because they think it’ll hurt a woman’s feelings or have an adverse effect on them.
When asked the question, “Why do men shy away from telling women “no”?” I’m always stuck with the same answer. They either don’t want to hurt their feelings or they don’t think women deal well with rejection. In fact, I’ve learned over the course of my life that nothing could be further from the truth. It’s true that women are more accustomed to dealing with rejection than men. That sounds weird doesn’t it? It does, but consider for a second how different genders deal with rejection. Women, when rejected, have to face those feelings and they have few defense mechanisms. Men…, well men, just shrug it off and blame the woman or the circumstance — they rarely internalize and go through a healing process.
Let’s think about the times when a man refuses to tell a woman “no.” It’s typically when she wants to know something about their particular situation or she is asking for him to do something outside of his typical routine. I can think of several times when I may have been causally dating a woman and she asked me, “where is this going?” or “do you see a future with me?” – If I thought it was headed towards a relationship I would reply that way, but if I didn’t… I would make up some diatribe that would skirt the issue and change the subject.
The reason being, most men think women see things in a very binary manner. It’s almost as if you tell a woman “no” she’s going to remove herself from the situation altogether. I’ve experienced times when I didn’t think a relationship was appropriate but I still wanted to date and see where things would go. The woman reacted to the rejection of a relationship request with wanting to move on altogether. Therefore, in future situations I would shy away from saying no and make up some diatribe that would skirt the issue and change the subject.
There are also situations when men don’t want to say no because they want something they don’t feel they’ll be able to get if they reject the woman. I’ll just be blunt – a man won’t want a relationship with a woman but he may want to have sex with her. He won’t totally reject her request for more, so that he can remain in good graces to just have sex.
What can be done to stop all this foolishness?
The answer is a little complicated. I think that men will have to be coddled a bit to get them to come out of their shell. If a woman wants a real and honest perspective, she should couple her questions with, “I want you to answer honestly, I won’t be upset if you say no.” Although she may be upset, she will appreciate the answer more if it’s genuine rather than dishonest and deceiving. Most men don’t really reach that point until much later in life when they have little to lose. That’s when they’ll just start coming off the tip of their tongue with the truth even though they know the woman will not like it. I think both genders have to prevent that and work to bring both sides together.
Like I said before, it’s taken me some time to get to the point where I feel comfortable with telling women “no” or rejecting them. I’ve realized that the drama associated with misleading women is not worth it. I wish that more men would feel the same way, but I don’t think that’s a realistic perspective or outcome in the near future. However, if women want the honest opinions of men, they’ll find ways to bridge the gap and reduce the apprehension. In a sense that what every situation should be about, that’s the best way to get to the goal – bridging gaps to find a mutual understand that leads to an outcome all that are happy with.
Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated. Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.
By Dr. Lisa Firestone
You don’t need to be a psychologist to note the very harsh effects of a breakup on a person’s mental health. When a relationship ends, humiliation, rage, loneliness, anguish and grief all seem to simultaneously show up at the door, marching in arm-in-arm to parade noisily around our psyche. Evicting these emotions is a matter of healing, reconciling, finding peace within ourselves and somehow moving on. The road to recovery is rough, not just because we are struggling with the real loss of a person or a way of life we really loved, but because every painful rejection is fueled by two forces: the actuality of the loss itself and the army of negative, self-loathing thoughts reawakens within us.
Every hurt we experience echoes a barrage of rejections and painful events from our pasts. Throughout our lives, we are psychologically formed by our experience. We sweep along collecting the dust from the many lies, miscommunications, betrayals, criticisms and rejections we have experienced from the moment we were born: the frightening time a parent lost control, the angry look of a caretaker, the disapproval from someone we admired or abandonment of a loved one. All of these old and familiar experiences have shaped the way we see ourselves and the world around us.
As adults, we tend to use painful events from our present to confirm negative attitudes from our past. The horrible things we believe about ourselves on a deep, fundamental level resurface the minute a situation like a break-up can be used to prove and support them. How often do we hear people fresh out of a relationship say things like, “He never really loved me. I will never find someone. I’m destined to be alone. Who would choose me?” How can the dismissal of one person cause such a spiral of universal self-shame? Why can’t we shake that sinking feeling of humiliation and unworthiness the moment someone decides they don’t want to be with us romantically?
My father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, recently commented, “It’s amazing how people will suck the marrow out of rejection.” While most of us like to think that all we want istrue love, the reality is, many of us are addicted to rejection. Rejection validates the negative point of view of what my father calls a “critical inner voice.” This “voice” represents an internal enemy shaped out of negative events that took place early in life. While the commentary of this critical inner voice might not be pleasant, it is familiar, and unless we challenge it, we carry it stubbornly with us into adulthood.
Read more on YourTango.com.