All Articles Tagged "rejection"
Being a girl, growing into a woman is no easy task. There are a lot of bumps and bruises, twists and turns that just come with the territory. While we wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything, there are certain things we’re happy we never have to relive again.
When it comes to telling people “no,” it appears easier for men because 1) women don’t take kindly to rejection so they’re more hesitant to do the same to their friends, 2) women can be a bit irrational when thinking about the consequences of saying “no,” and 3) men and women tend to have different standards when it comes to friendships.
The “slight” difference between men and women.
Men and women have different ways of dealing with requests made by friends. When asked for a favor both will determine whether they will say yes depending on 1) how reasonable the request is and 2) whether they’re actually capable of carrying out the asked favor. Women, by nature, tend to be more giving and take the feelings of the person into consideration. Also, women generally tend to be more willing to go the extra mile, even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process.
Women don’t like being told no. By anybody.
As I talked about in my earlier piece regarding women and rejection, women don’t like being told “no.” This is a key point as to why it’s easier for men to say no. If a friend asks me for a favor that I either cannot do or have a reason not to do, telling him no isn’t seen as a rejection of the person. If a favor cannot be granted, it simply means that favor cannot be granted. For men, it’s possible that because we experience rejection more often (like when approaching women) we simply don’t have an emotional reaction to it. Furthermore, unless it’s a “life or death” situation, we’ll simply resolve to either asking someone else to do it or handling it ourselves.
The gates of hell will not open up because you turned down a friend’s request.
While discussing women’s internal conflicts with telling someone no, I’ve found that women tend to be a bit more extreme with respect to the emotional ramifications. Not to be sexist, but women seem to be far more likely to think of worst case scenarios when saying no. I’ve witnessed stress and belief that the gates of hell will open up and swallow women whole for rejecting a favor. Or, in a more realistic case, they believe it makes them a bad person for not being able to help. Life, and these types of situations, are hardly, if ever, that serious.
If you can’t help, you can’t help. If you don’t wish to sacrifice yourself every time someone asks to help, that’s perfectly fine too. There are a myriad of reasons to refuse to help someone, even if it wouldn’t take the effort to text a response. Whatever the case, men tend to take a far more pragmatic view on these decisions than women, which is why it might appear men have less of a problem saying no than women do.
Men tend to do it like “this” and women tend to do it like…”that.”
Lastly, it might also be worthy of consideration to take into account the nature of friendships for men and women. From an observational standpoint, women tend to deal with the slights of their peers differently than men do. Whereas men are generally of the mind, “that’s the homie and if he can’t do it then he can’t do it,” I find women don’t take that same approach. Again, observationally speaking, women tend to be more likely to bring up those past favors when handing them out or feeling as if they’ve gained a chip they will be able to “cash in” at a later date. A woman does her friend a favor and she later feels as if the next time she needs a favor to be done, she shouldn’t be refused. It almost turns into a “look at what I did for you and you can’t even help me out when you need me” type of situation. No, that’s not every woman and every situation, but I do think in some cases that’s the logic being used.
The bottom line is it’s easier for men to say no because we tend to believe the person will likely be able to fix their situation at some point. Women tend to believe if they can’t help, something terrible will happen and it’ll make them a bad person. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that some situations are much harder for men to say no to (especially when a woman of his interest is asking) and it’s far easier for women to say no (especially when it comes to men they don’t care for) in certain situations. Like most like situations, its all depends on the context and who’s asking.
For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com.
Women far and wide hate having to approach men. Whether it’s a fear of rejection or some trite quotation stating how “women don’t find men, men find women,” most women are content with leaving the “hunting” to the men. Every once in a while though, a woman will find herself in a predicament where she is interested enough, compelled even, to approach a man she’s interested in. She’ll gather up all of her courage, take a couple of shots, and walk on over. Small talk will ensue, smiles will be exchanged, and just when it seems like everything is going right she’ll ask for his number and find her advances rebuffed. Said woman will die from embarrassment and swear she will never make a concerted effort to approach a man again then eventually die from loneliness…
OK. That was extreme.
But after talking with women who’ve been turned down by men, they always make it seem as if being rejected is the worst thing in the world. When I politely remind them of the hundreds of men they’ve likely rejected in the previous week, I always get the same explanation. “Guys are used to being rejected, so it’s nothing to them. When a woman gets rejected, it’s a much bigger deal.” If you find yourself to be one of these women who want to go for men they want but have trouble dealing with rejection, here are 4 tips you can use to prep for potential failed attempts.
1. You’re not going to die.
No doubt when you woke up this morning you likely walked by hundreds of men on the way to your respective destination. Every single one of those men have been rejected by a woman at some point in their dating life. As you can see, they’re still living, breathing and functioning in the world. Ladies, a man rebuffing your advances is not going to kill you. Hell, it’ll likely build some character. I’m sure you’ve gone through life and been rejected in other situations, right? Frame rejection by men in that same category. Yes, it hurts, but someone telling you “no” isn’t going to kill you.
2. Approaching men is like sex…kinda.
I’m shooting in the dark here, but the first time a woman has sex it’s usually a rather painful experience. Eventually though, you do it enough times and it starts to feel good. Great even. Pretty soon, you’re coming up with new ways, places, strategies and “go-to” moves so every time you have sex it’s a much more pleasurable experience.
Think of approaching men in that manner. The first time you approach a guy and you get rejected, it sucks. The more you do it, however, the better you’ll get at it. You analyze what you did wrong and try out different things to catch a guy’s attention. Maybe you don’t stutter as much when you approach one guy. You find a new way to flirt with the next guy. Pretty soon you’ll have a whole new arsenal of moves at your disposal for approaching guys and having success.
A few days ago I penned a piece on why men need to have dating standards. It was based around the realization that at some point in my dating history, I had to decide that I deserved to be able to say no to women. I thought that it was always unfair when a man walks away from a woman that he is made out to be the bad guy. It’s almost as if, “I just don’t think I like you as much as I thought I would,” was always a bad thing to say. Connected to that is the fear that men have when telling women “no” or anything else they may not want to hear. Many men will lie or not answer questions because they think it’ll hurt a woman’s feelings or have an adverse effect on them.
When asked the question, “Why do men shy away from telling women “no”?” I’m always stuck with the same answer. They either don’t want to hurt their feelings or they don’t think women deal well with rejection. In fact, I’ve learned over the course of my life that nothing could be further from the truth. It’s true that women are more accustomed to dealing with rejection than men. That sounds weird doesn’t it? It does, but consider for a second how different genders deal with rejection. Women, when rejected, have to face those feelings and they have few defense mechanisms. Men…, well men, just shrug it off and blame the woman or the circumstance — they rarely internalize and go through a healing process.
Let’s think about the times when a man refuses to tell a woman “no.” It’s typically when she wants to know something about their particular situation or she is asking for him to do something outside of his typical routine. I can think of several times when I may have been causally dating a woman and she asked me, “where is this going?” or “do you see a future with me?” – If I thought it was headed towards a relationship I would reply that way, but if I didn’t… I would make up some diatribe that would skirt the issue and change the subject.
The reason being, most men think women see things in a very binary manner. It’s almost as if you tell a woman “no” she’s going to remove herself from the situation altogether. I’ve experienced times when I didn’t think a relationship was appropriate but I still wanted to date and see where things would go. The woman reacted to the rejection of a relationship request with wanting to move on altogether. Therefore, in future situations I would shy away from saying no and make up some diatribe that would skirt the issue and change the subject.
There are also situations when men don’t want to say no because they want something they don’t feel they’ll be able to get if they reject the woman. I’ll just be blunt – a man won’t want a relationship with a woman but he may want to have sex with her. He won’t totally reject her request for more, so that he can remain in good graces to just have sex.
What can be done to stop all this foolishness?
The answer is a little complicated. I think that men will have to be coddled a bit to get them to come out of their shell. If a woman wants a real and honest perspective, she should couple her questions with, “I want you to answer honestly, I won’t be upset if you say no.” Although she may be upset, she will appreciate the answer more if it’s genuine rather than dishonest and deceiving. Most men don’t really reach that point until much later in life when they have little to lose. That’s when they’ll just start coming off the tip of their tongue with the truth even though they know the woman will not like it. I think both genders have to prevent that and work to bring both sides together.
Like I said before, it’s taken me some time to get to the point where I feel comfortable with telling women “no” or rejecting them. I’ve realized that the drama associated with misleading women is not worth it. I wish that more men would feel the same way, but I don’t think that’s a realistic perspective or outcome in the near future. However, if women want the honest opinions of men, they’ll find ways to bridge the gap and reduce the apprehension. In a sense that what every situation should be about, that’s the best way to get to the goal – bridging gaps to find a mutual understand that leads to an outcome all that are happy with.
Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated. Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.
By Dr. Lisa Firestone
You don’t need to be a psychologist to note the very harsh effects of a breakup on a person’s mental health. When a relationship ends, humiliation, rage, loneliness, anguish and grief all seem to simultaneously show up at the door, marching in arm-in-arm to parade noisily around our psyche. Evicting these emotions is a matter of healing, reconciling, finding peace within ourselves and somehow moving on. The road to recovery is rough, not just because we are struggling with the real loss of a person or a way of life we really loved, but because every painful rejection is fueled by two forces: the actuality of the loss itself and the army of negative, self-loathing thoughts reawakens within us.
Every hurt we experience echoes a barrage of rejections and painful events from our pasts. Throughout our lives, we are psychologically formed by our experience. We sweep along collecting the dust from the many lies, miscommunications, betrayals, criticisms and rejections we have experienced from the moment we were born: the frightening time a parent lost control, the angry look of a caretaker, the disapproval from someone we admired or abandonment of a loved one. All of these old and familiar experiences have shaped the way we see ourselves and the world around us.
As adults, we tend to use painful events from our present to confirm negative attitudes from our past. The horrible things we believe about ourselves on a deep, fundamental level resurface the minute a situation like a break-up can be used to prove and support them. How often do we hear people fresh out of a relationship say things like, “He never really loved me. I will never find someone. I’m destined to be alone. Who would choose me?” How can the dismissal of one person cause such a spiral of universal self-shame? Why can’t we shake that sinking feeling of humiliation and unworthiness the moment someone decides they don’t want to be with us romantically?
My father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, recently commented, “It’s amazing how people will suck the marrow out of rejection.” While most of us like to think that all we want istrue love, the reality is, many of us are addicted to rejection. Rejection validates the negative point of view of what my father calls a “critical inner voice.” This “voice” represents an internal enemy shaped out of negative events that took place early in life. While the commentary of this critical inner voice might not be pleasant, it is familiar, and unless we challenge it, we carry it stubbornly with us into adulthood.
Read more on YourTango.com.
No matter how pretty, funny, or intelligent you may be, during the dating phase, you’re bound to have to face some sort of rejection. Sadly, not every guy you go on a date with is going to be a hit and in the end you’ll have to deal with the inevitably dreaded romantic rejection. Rejection isn’t an easy pill to swallow but it’s even tougher when it’s rejection from a guy. Here are 14 ways to handle and recover from rejection even when you’re feeling foolish and shattered.
One of the most common dating problems women face is wondering why he didn’t call. You know, that great guy you had so much fun with and never heard from again? Men mysteriously disappear, and dating rejection can be jarring and feel really crummy.
Julie, one of my clients, faced this challenge. She connected with Bruce through a dating site. They exchanged emails and spoke on the phone. They met for coffee and chatted up a storm for over two hours. She told me it was obvious that Bruce was interested in her.
At the end of the date, Bruce asked Julie for a second date. The next week, they went skating. She said he was a total gentleman and that they both had a lot of fun. Unfortunately, at the end of the date, instead of asking her out again or even saying he would call her, Bruce suggested she call him ”sometime” because “it would be fun to talk.”
Read more at YourTango
I Said “I Love You” And He Said “Thanks”: How One Man’s Rejection Of Those 3 Words Almost Stifled Me In Future Relationships
So there I was, feeling a certain sensation in my stomach and in my heart that was telling me that my boyfriend at the time was someone I was in love with. It was the first time I had ever said those three words to a man of the opposite sex who wasn’t my daddy or brothers, and actually meant it. While spending quality time together, I decided that I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and after around eight months of being together, I finally expressed my full feelings to him. However, the look on his face, a mix of surprise and worry, let me know that he didn’t feel the same, but that was okay. While it definitely would have been nice to have our exchange of “I Love Yous” be like something out of a movie where we say it one after the other and live happily ever after, at the time, I was also mentally prepared for the fact that he might not be ready to say it. It was his first “serious” relationship, so I could understand if he felt like he wasn’t there yet, or was unsure of his feelings. Therefore, I smiled and told him, “No pressure, I just wanted to let you know how I feel, but you don’t have to say anything if you’re not ready.” I could tell a weight was lifted off of his shoulders, and after a few seconds, he replied to my declaration of love with a “Thanks.” A hug and kiss probably would have been more fitting, but it was fine. Well, it was fine at that moment at least.
But as an eight-month relationship turned into more than a year and a half, I became annoyed by the “Thank You.” Conversations would come to a close and I would feel so inclined to say “I Love You,” but there was that “Thank You” once again. While it was all right for a little while, we were at a stage in our relationship where I felt that if he wasn’t saying it by now, he probably wasn’t going to say it in the future. And hey, a sistah can’t put two years in a relationship where someone can only say they care for you A LOT as consolation. The more I said it as the relationship went on and the more time that passed without me hearing it back began to hurt my feelings a great deal, and before I knew it, the relationship went downhill and finally off the cliff.
At the time, it was almost like payback for my past false use of those three words. I had a boyfriend before the one who wouldn’t say “I Love You,” who told me that he was in love with me after only a few months of dating. Though I didn’t feel the same way, always one trying not to hurt other people’s feelings if I can avoid it, I said it back, not even knowing what the words really and truly meant. After my conscious ate at me for weeks and weeks, I sat this ex-boyfriend down and told him that I really wasn’t in love with him at all, and the feelings I was hoping to avoid hurting were very visible on his face. So after my boyfriend at the time gave me a “thanks” for every “I love you” my heart spewed out, I felt as though I was getting my just dues, and that I had played myself by saying how I felt first. I quietly told myself that I wouldn’t do such a thing again.
In the relationship I’m in now though, while definitely not perfect, I have found a happiness that I haven’t had in a very long time. Once again I felt the same feelings I had with the previous boyfriend, yet stronger. But because of all the drama and the sense of rejection that came from that situation for me, I decided to keep my mouth closed. I didn’t want to be that girl who cared more about a boyfriend than he did for me, so I tried my best to play it cool, even when he was going all out for me with his romantic gestures. But there’s something about being in love that causes a physical reaction. As I said before, it’s almost like you can feel something in your stomach, like the pressure of holding in valuable, if not earth-shattering information is causing you to want to blurt out how you feel. And if that’s not enough, aside from cheesing at the mere mention of the person you love or bringing them up in conversations they have nothing to do with, it’s often an epiphany that comes after something big. Like them coming to your home in the early hours of the morning on a Wednesday to rescue you by helping you look for a mouse in your apartment and calm your tears and panic (the last boyfriend couldn’t even help a sistah out at 9 p.m. when I saw my first roach in my apartment crawling by my bed, SMH). I had all these thoughts and emotions and feelings in my brain and body and was doing my damnedest to hold them all in. After feeling like a sucker the first time, I did my best to keep my feelings to myself the second time around.
And then one day, while sitting and talking with my boyfriend, he smiled at me and then randomly said out of the blue that he loved me. “I haven’t said those words to anyone in a really long time.” The declaration was a total surprise to me, as I had wondered how he was feeling about “us” for a while. And when he said it, I happily said “I love you too!” with such emotion, it was as if the fools at Publishers Clearing House came to my door. It was reciprocated love, something that in all my relationships beforehand, I had not experienced. The weight I took off my own shoulders by finally speaking with my heart was one of the best feelings in the world.
As with most relationships, I learned from such a situation that you can’t let past pain and mishaps from relationships keep you from enjoying life and love to the fullest. Having my “I Love You” continuously smiled at and avoided like I was asking when my ring was coming made me feel like a fool, and it definitely held me back from fully opening up and expressing myself to the new man in my life. However, I won’t let it hold me back any further.
Getting hit on is something most people experience – in the grocery store (usually when you look broke, busted and disgusted buying a can of beans), in the club by someone’s creepy uncle, in the church parking lot. The fact is if you have a pulse and someone likes what they see, you will likely get the moves put on you. But there is no guarantee you’ll want that attention, and there is an art to finagling yourself out of being boxed in by interested parties. Here are 8 convenient excuses to let down that Stevie-J doppelganger doing the Birdman hand rub at the sight of your booty.
Christmas day 2011, I made a vow to swear off dating and go on a “man fast” for six months. I needed a new approach-a dating overhaul if you will. I’d psyched myself up for the commitment. However, I wasn’t prepared for the backlash that I would receive from men who didn’t like my decision. I was called everything from a bitter Beyotch to an undercover lesbian man-hater. For example, at my girl’s housewarming soiree one evening this conversation occurred:
Guy:”What are you looking for in a man?”
Me: “I’m not currently looking.”
Guy:”All girls say that so men will chase.”
Guy: “so if I told you I wanted to see you again what would you say?”
Me: “I’d say thanks. I’m flattered but I’m not interested in dating right now.”
Guy: “Man, who broke your heart?”
Guy: “Just because you got your heart broken by some whack dude doesn’t mean you gotta be an ice cold Beyotch. You just need someone to knock the ‘burrr’ off it.”
Obscenities blurred together. I never contemplated murder and the headlines that would follow until that moment. My “man fast” wasn’t Steve Harvey or heart break inspired. It wasn’t born out of a “Waiting to Exhale” feminist rant. Still, the reaction of some men when they are told that “coffee is just coffee and conversation” or “a press interview is strictly business” is jaw-dropping. While some take it severely personal, others attempt to psychoanalyze you with the same lines over and over:
“You are guarded because you’ve been hurt before.
“You have too many walls.”
“I’m not like any other guy.”
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