All Articles Tagged "red flags"
How much does a man’s sense of style play into whether or not you would actually date him?
From that question alone, I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘Oh yeah. That’s petty as hell.’ Allow me to explain.
While checking out an event for work last weekend, my friend and I met a very nice guy. He had a warm demeanor and was very polite. He was also handsome and well-spoken. As we talked to him about the event, we couldn’t help but notice that he was quite built. A trainer, his arms were bulging out through his blazer and his chest was pronounced within his shirt. That’s what stood out about him to me. But as for my friend, she noticed that he had bright eyes, a bright smile–and a bright a** outfit on. And it really bothered her.
He was a very nice guy, something my friend and I agreed on. But she couldn’t move past what she considered an extremely loud outfit: burnt orange fitted pants; a checkered vest; a paisley print bow tie; and a bright blue blazer. To her, it screamed “CORNY!”
I couldn’t believe that his attire had become a red flag of sorts:
“Are you kidding me?! He’s cute, girl!”
But she wasn’t budging.
“I just can’t. It’s just too much and it makes me think that he’s extra. And if he’s extra, he might be wack in bed.”
Well, damn. If there was ever a reason to step your style game up, people thinking your d**k game is weak might be a big one. But that was what confused me about the whole situation. It wasn’t like this individual came in looking raggedy. Not at all. He may have tried a little harder than he needed to, but he was well-dressed and just seemed like someone who has a genuine appreciation for fashion. Considering the many men who STILL walk around with their underwear hanging out in public, this guy was a breath of fresh air. Well, to me at least. As for my friend, she made it clear that a man who does too much in the fashion department doesn’t light her fire.
Interesting enough, my sister said the same thing when I told her this story. She’s very married, and a Mrs. to a guy who keeps it pretty simple with his fashion choices, but she said that when she was single and dating, a guy who tried too hard to look like a Fonzworth Bentley clone could NOT get it.
“Yeah, I agree. It’s just too much. Just from the way you described his outfit, I’m not feeling it and he does sound extra.”
Their feelings on this topic were new to me, as most women I know haven’t said out loud that a man who dresses too over-the-top is a turn-off. Instead, these women are usually focused on things deemed more important, including personality, stability, being a good-natured person and having good looks in general. So I thought I would ask you all how you felt about this: Can a man’s style be so bad or gaudy that you find yourself not attracted to him, even when he’s a good looking guy?
For me, it’s not something I really ever paid that much attention to. I’ve dated guys who dressed pretty simple and straightforward. I’ve dated guys who dressed in so many oversized sweats and jeans in my younger years that it felt like Christmas when they actually put on a button-down shirt or a suit.
My current love is a quite stylish J. Crew addict who keeps his clothing fitted and sophisticated. On second thought, I might actually pay attention to what a man has on because I think it was his style that first caught my attention when we met: Calvin Klein eyeglasses that were very unique in size; a dark gray thermal shirt that showed off his biceps; a green reversible vest that I loved, because green is my favorite color. But had he walked into my life with overalls on, it would have been okay, because his personality shined through. Almost three years later, I still think he’s one of the chicest cats I’ve ever met (next to my dad of course).
But what I’m getting at is that while a man’s style may be a distraction if it’s over-the-top, if what he’s working with behind the clothes (and that’s not a sexual reference) manages to shine through, then he could very well be a great catch. Besides, a man can change his clothing; but a man with a sh*tty personality can’t do anything about that. Priorities…
So is this a petty problem? Or have you honestly found yourself turned off by a man’s sense of style?
How many times have you been trying to get to know someone new, things are going well and you plan to move forward with them, taking the relationship to the next level. You are happy with them, but for some unnerving reason, you’re slightly hesitant about the relationship and you can’t quite figure out why. You know that feeling, it’s where your head tells you to go ahead, but your heart isn’t quite all the way there. Not only that, but you try your darnedest to convince yourself that all is well while ignoring your instincts–and then it happens. What you ask? That moment during the relationship when you say to yourself, “something told me I shouldn’t have…” or “I should have trusted my instincts.”
But at that point its too late. You’re either too invested to get up and walk away, or worse, your heart has already been shattered. And it’s all because you failed to follow your instincts and you ignored the red flags that were waiving at you about your mate and the relationship early on. Why is that? Why do we as adults with common sense ignore our hearts and gut feelings when it comes to the people we let into our lives? Why do we put ourselves in positions that can or could’ve easily been avoided if we stood firm on our standards, which are designed to help us avoid such pitfalls?
The answer is simple actually. We ignore our instincts and red flags because we desire love and relationships so much that we’re ready to throw caution, and our common sense, to the wind. Ignoring the red flags with anything or anyone can be detrimental to one’s emotional health. Doing so can get you caught up for way too long with someone you might end up wishing you never met. So how does someone pay attention to the red flags, but also address them with their mate? By keeping these three things in mind:
Before you listen to someone else, listen to yourself. I don’t know how many times I’ve sought the advice of other people when I should have trusted myself. While it is good and at times helpful to seek words of wisdom from others, there’s no wisdom like your own. Trust yourself, because after all, you’re the one in the relationship and you know what’s best for you.
If there’s anything about your mate that’s bothering you, talk to them about it right from the start. Many times, when there’s something about our partners that we’re not so sure about, we have the tendency to overlook or ignore it. For instance, the fact that he as an “ex” that you think is not quite an “ex” and it seems as if your mate talks to them more than you. If you’re feeling a certain way about this and it’s constantly nagging at you, don’t ignore it. Speak on it. Ask your mate about it, and not in a way as to accuse them of anything, but to ease your nerves and sustain your peace of mind. This doesn’t just apply for this specific scenario, but it applies to everything.
Always get a complete story and explanation with full details. I don’t know how many times I failed to ask questions to get a complete story from my partners simply because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t trust them. Never let a stone go unturned when it comes to something you want to know, especially if the red flag is a-waving. You owe it to yourself to do so.
While it’s a good thing to be able to trust people, it’s better to trust yourself, because when the sun sets and the moon rises, it’s you that has to deal with either a broken heart, or a partner you would rather be without.
How many times have you ignored red flags in a relationship? How did things turn out for you?
Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin
From Jet Magazine
A significant proportion of unhealthy relationships are the result of the failure to differentiate between a man, who is merely an adult male, and a Grown man. Sadly, too many men were never taught how to be Grown (or worse, had role models who taught them anything but Grown manhood), and too many women don’t know one when they see or meet one—or are too willing to settle for less, at least as a “placeholder.”
One result is that many women fail to set a healthy, self-loving standard for relationships, instead accepting the best of the men available to them and trying to motivate, bribe, guilt or coerce them (using sex, affection, money and even procreation) into Grown manhood. The theory: If I love him right (or enough, or however he wants it, or more than anyone else has or can), then I can change him into the man he was meant/I want him/I need him to be.
The reality: You can’t. Living in the Grown Zone means recognizing that it is not your responsibility, nor is it within your power, to change, fix or control the behavior of another person with your love. (And if you’re counting on sex, even if you can put it on him better than anyone else can, that will not change established habits; it can only reward existing—including unwanted—behavior. Sex is a form of approval, not correction.)
A man who is not Grown can’t change for you. And a man who is Grown will only change for himself, out of a commitment to his own personal growth and who he chooses to be, not who you want him to be. By the way, attempting to manipulate a Grown man will result in his distrust, resentment and, ultimately rejection of you. So forget what you may have been taught, by your girlfriends, movies, books and even your mother, about using sex, money or emotional blackmail to get, keep and control a good man.
So rather than trying to take a “piece of man” and somehow make a whole one out of him, better to learn to differentiate between a Grown man and merely an adult male right from jump, before you even consider relationship options. First, take your time. How much time? As much time as it takes. Until you confirm that a man is a Grown man, it’s best, as an act of self-love, to assume he’s not. (And if you can’t stand to wait, that’s a sign that you still have some personal growth work to do.)
At first glance, there is little apparent difference between a man (merely an adult male) and a Grown man. Don’t go by appearances; go by behavior over time (before you give access to your body, money, heart or home), during which you should be both observing and investigating his character, habits and track record. This is not an all-inclusive, exhaustive list, but he’s not Grown if:
Check out the signs on JetMag.com
Are you superstitious? And not just don’t cross black cats or walk under ladders but what types of behaviors represent a not-so-great sign in your relationship? Some of these are silly superstitions, relationship bad omens, but others are clear red flags that this thang is not gonna work. See what I mean.
This Is For Just For You
This article is dedicated to any of you who’ve ever spent five minutes more than you should have with a man that was not worth your time. Women want the man they choose and the man they want to be one in the same. Sadly, this isn’t always the case. But, it should be. Our choices are directly within our control, and with them we have the power to determine who we allow access into our lives. Accurate choices will help you to navigate through the clutter and sift through the crowd. Here are my 10 suggestions on how to choose men more wisely.
Read more at Essence.com
You know the obvious deal breakers: too clingy, unfaithful, immature, princess mentality, etc. But believe it or not, men are sensitive to a few behaviors you wouldn’t think they notice—or perhaps you even thought they endorsed!
Every couple goes through rough times. However, where money is concerned, there is a lack of communication between people around the world. It’s a tough topic, and couples that have merged their economic situations can see their relationship go from smooth sailing to choppy waters.
Once your relationship begins to drown in financial issues, you’re on the path to either Breakup City or a financially hazardous relationship. If you are concerned about your or your honey’s finances, but don’t know the signs to look out for, take a look at these nine financial red flags that could be right under your nose, targeting your bank account.
I investigate. That’s just what I do. I like to know who and what I’m dealing with. Of course, I’ve heard that you shouldn’t go looking for anything because you will find it. And I believe this to a certain extent; but some things a girl just stumbles upon…and in this case it was something I wanted to know about a potential boo.
No, I didn’t discover that he was married or had a few kids stashed away somewhere. He wasn’t a convicted felon, nor did he have a secret life of being on the down-low. It wasn’t any of these catastrophic details that he failed to mention; it was something so insignificant that I didn’t even know a man would lie about: his age.
Yes, while playing investigator on Google I found out that my guy was two years older than he said he was. Immediately I thought, who does that? I know you’re immediately thinking, what’s the big deal? Sure, it’s only two years, but c’mon, it was only two years, so why lie about it? At that moment, my curiosity turned to anger, and then curiosity again. Seriously, who really does that?
Everything else about him added up for the most part, or at least, my investigation didn’t reveal any other secrets; but this was a bit much for me. I don’t do liars. And lying about something so minor, made it suddenly so major. If he chose to lie about this, what else would he lie about? Who was I really dating?
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and even asked him a second time what his age was, claiming that I had forgotten what he’d said; but to my dismay, he looked me dead in my face with a straight face and lied again. Immediately I realized either this guy had a serious issue with our age gap or he was a compulsive liar. I chose to think both and decided his lie was a huge red flag.
If he was, in fact, lying about his age, that would make him eight years older than me. And while this may have seemed like an immediate dismissal or problem to him, it actually wouldn’t have been for me. I had never dated a man more than five years older than me, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t open to it. What I wasn’t open to, however, was dating a liar.
A good man is hard to find; and although it had only been a few months, I thought I had found one. That was until I found out he was lying about something I wouldn’t have cared about and wound up making me question many more things about him and made me wonder what other lies he had told or would tell in the future. Whatever the reasoning behind the fib, it prevented our relationship from ever really flourishing.
I often think about what could have been, if only he hadn’t lied about something so simple; but I know if he lied about his age, nothing would have been off limits in the future. Lying is most definitely a red flag when weeding through the bad guys; but call me crazy, I still think he was a good guy. He just happened to tell a really stupid, bad lie, and for that reason (and a few other things), he was no longer my type.
I have been with my boyfriend six years, and we’ve lived together for four of them. I have never pressured him about marriage, and we have talked about it happening, but I’m starting to give up hope. While I feel content with our relationship, I’m becoming insecure about why he hasn’t asked me yet. I know it’s just a piece of paper, but I’d like to have the commitment before we have kids. On another note, he is the first man I’ve been with that has a very low sex drive—we go for weeks without having sex. As a professional, I’m asking, is this a red flag?
See what celebrity psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this situation on Essence.com.
It doesn’t matter how much of a gentleman he has been up until that point: if a man you’re getting to know at a bar, on a date, or online says any of these lines, run — before he breaks your heart, or gives you the overwhelming urge to slap him.