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You’d like to think you’re pretty rational, right? That you’re in control of your future, isn’t that correct? Well you are, and you aren’t. There’s a reason so much of what feels really good—dating the wrong guy, sleeping with someone—are also things we know we shouldn’t do. Our genes are only concerned with one thing: being perpetuated. That’s where the, “Do it” voice comes into play. But, the fact that you can recognize why something that feels good is in fact not good for you—that is what makes you a logical creature. So don’t worry, you’re not totally a mass of uncontrollable hormones and chemicals. But in order to control them, you have to know about them.

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New love is almost like a drug the way that it takes over our emotions and alters our behavior. There’s the excitement of meeting a new person that still lingers accompanied by the curiosity that drives one to explore and learn all that there is to possibly know about their new love interest. The late-night phone calls, the constant need to be in one another’s presence, the butterflies, the feelings of being on cloud nine, the adrenaline rush experienced each time you realize that you have a message from your significant other, the giddiness and so on are all emotions and behaviors associated with new love and new relationships. The feeling of having your emotions intertwined with someone new whom you find yourself to be compatible with is euphoric and exhilarating. You see your partner through rose-colored sunglasses and they can do no wrong. While this is an absolutely beautiful phase in a relationship, the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t last forever. Not all of these feelings and behaviors cease as the relationship continues to grow, but studies have shown that the “head-over-heels” sensation tends to become less intense over time.

So, what happens when you are no longer seeing your partner through those rose colored glasses and reality acts as a pair of 3D Acuvue contact lenses giving you  a 20/20 view of your partner, good, bad, and indifferent? What happens when the fairy tale fades and real life kicks in? What happens when the thrill of conquering something new is no longer present? Well, one of two things can happen. The couple either loves one another through their best as well as their worst or they decide that the relationship is not worth it and they part ways. The reality of a relationship is that it is something that two people must work at if they want it to thrive and flourish. Sadly, everyone is not willing to put forth the effort which is why one week you will see that infamous Facebook status updated: John Doe and Jane Doe are now in a relationship, followed by a host of cute photos and status updates filled with love proclamations. A few months later you log on to see Jane Doe went from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’ and you think to yourself “Woah, I wonder what happened. They seemed so happy.” A question that many people in relationships should ask themselves is “When the newness fades what will we have left?”

There are four different types of love that a human can experience which include Storge- an affectionate kind of love often shared between family members, Philia- a love that comes as a result of a strong bond between friends, Eros – the form of love that many know as romance or intimacy and is commonly associated with being “head-over-heels”, and Agape- an unconditional love. In most cases they start off in the Eros phase, however it should gradually mature into Agape. Any relationship solely based on Eros love will fail. Theories suggest that if a relationship never reaches Agape love it cannot thrive, which makes perfect sense. Agape love is the glue that holds a couple together. When life becomes more demanding and pressures begin to swell, unconditional or Agape love is absolutely crucial to the survival of a relationship. It is what gets you through those rough patches and difficult seasons.

In order for a healthy relationship to last all four types of love should be present. As a result of the four present loves will come patience, dedication, respect, fidelity, communication, generosity, honesty, willingness to change. Strong relationships don’t just “happen”. They are formed when two people make a conscious decision to work at it and love one another unconditionally.

Jazmine Denise is a New York City based Lifestyle & Relationship writer. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise.

The Queen of Hip Hop Soul Mary J. Blige turns 41 today! She made her official debut in the entertainment industry in 1991 with the groundbreaking album ”What’s The 411?” at the ripe old age of 20. With her 41st birthday, we can say that Blige has been in the game over half of her life. Crazy, right? To commemorate the big day, Madame Noire runs down five of our favorite MJB classics.

Author's Note: The Dream is not "ugly" perse... but we can all agree that he is no where near Christina when it comes to attractiveness. Alright. As you were.

I’ll never forget, my freshman year of college I met this girl who was trying her best to maintain a long distance relationship with her boyfriend back home. When my other friends and I asked to see his picture, she showed us and then stated matter of factly:

“Justin* isn’t cute.”

What?!?

We all looked at her in shock. This was the guy she’d shamelessly expressed her longing, love and affection for and here she was, saying she didn’t think he was cute. At least one of us expressed our confusion. “Dang Marti*! How can you say that?”

Again she was unapologetic in her reply.

“I think Justin is attractive and I love him; but when I first met him, I didn’t think he was cute. Really, nobody would look at him and think he was cute. ”

They were harsh words. We didn’t agree or disagree with her at that exact moment; but as I looked at his picture, I could see her point. True, he wasn’t hideous but he wouldn’t stop traffic.

And she wasn’t being mean. She was just stating a fact and a phenomenon I’ve observed several times now. While we may say we want this or that physical characteristic in a man; at the end of the day, you or I, could easily end up falling in love with an ugly man.  (Or person– for my lesbian sisters in the struggle.)

Note: Ugly is a harsh word so I’ll say unattractive, or “has interesting features,” or use some other euphemism to illustrate that homeboy isn’t a banger. 

We women love to ogle over an attractive man. We’ll take in his face, the defined jawline, the dazzling smile, glistening, rock hard abs, v-shaped waist and power thighs with much delight. If we’re alone we might find ourselves in a daze or if we’re with the girls we might lean over and whisper a “He could get it.” We’ve all been there but in reality most of us are more likely to end up with a man who’s a little chubby, has taco meat and might possess just one or two of the above mentioned physical attributes… if we’re lucky.

Don’t be discouraged by this news ladies, these are just the facts of life.

By now you’re probably thinking why is it that women have to settle? What about the men?

Men have this ability too. But really, they don’t have to learn or use this skill of “looking past” to the level that we do. Think about it. We women spend exorbitant amounts of time, money and effort into perfecting our outward appearance, mostly because we know that men are more visually inclined.

But every now and then we’ll see a man who is drop dead gorgeous with a woman who doesn’t quite match his attractiveness. You need look no further than Hollywood for examples. No names needed.

The truth is, the ability to “look past” is a bit more encouraging than it really sounds. After all, being able to overlook someone’s outward appearance and fall in love with their character and their spirit speaks to the profundity of love. Real love, the kind we don’t often see on our TV screens.