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“We attract hearts by the qualities we display; we retain them by the qualities we possess; and we destroy them by the qualities we fail to display.” -Liz Lampkin

It was a hot Fourth of July holiday; my son and I were invited to a barbecue for fun and fellowship at a close friend’s home. While the meal was being prepared, my son’s godmother and I were engaging in conversation when the doorbell rang. As my son’s godmother walked toward the door, she stated that it was probably her stepson outside, because he comes to dine with them often. Initially, I didn’t think anything of her comments until he walked over the threshold of the door. This young man was one of the finest beings of God’s creation I had laid eyes on in quite some time, and my first thoughts about him were, Umm, Umm, Umm …(I’ll keep the rest to myself). Then I took a deep breath without anyone noticing to clear the thoughts that were moving about in my head. When the young man walked in, he spoke to everyone, and then my son’s godmother introduced him to me. He said hello, and I responded with the same greeting. He then went outside to join his father. When Mr. Physical Attraction walked past, my eyes followed him, and I intricately observed his every move until he disappeared. When he left the room, I had this feeling of anxiousness and passion to get to know him. But then, I realized that I only wanted to know him because of his outer appearance, and my only concerns were his physique and how I could benefit from it.

The quote above makes a powerful statement. It suggests that we initially draw someone’s attention, emotions and affections by the things we do, we keep someone’s interest with the qualities we have within, and we can destroy a relationship in its entirety by the qualities that are lacking within. It made me think to ask myself, as a woman, what qualities do I display to attract someone’s attention? What qualities retain my attention? What initially attracts me to someone, and what holds my attention? An attraction is to draw by appealing to the emotional, physical attributes, or senses by stimulating interest. It is to arouse or compel that interest, admiration, or the attention of someone by various actions, intellect, or appearance that appeal to the human senses.

There are many types of attractions that exist that include but aren’t limited too: cognitive, emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual. A cognitive attraction is the compelling interest in someone’s intellect. It is being drawn to the way someone thinks, the philosophies they live by, and/or their points of view about life. This attraction comes from introducing, sharing, and discussing new ideas and thoughts regarding different aspects of life. It brings forth new ways of thinking and points of view of life to someone, which in turn draws the attraction to unfamiliar, fresh, and exciting ideas. An emotional attraction is an egotistical attraction that allows someone to be drawn to an emotion that is lacking in someone else’s life. This attraction seeks to fulfill the emotion that is lacking within someone else to assist him or her in moving forward from a disturbing emotional experience. While seeking to fulfill an emotion lacking in someone else, the person may be subconsciously seeking emotional fulfillment for him or herself. Emotional attractions often lead people to go into the heroine or hero syndrome, which is an egotistical syndrome that leads people to believe they can save and rescue someone else through emotionally-led actions. A sexual attraction is stimulation on the basis of sexual desires. It derives from a physical attraction that is often enhanced by sexually led conversations, sexual gestures, and sexual thoughts. It is also being drawn to someone after engaging in sexual activities. A physical attraction is appealing to the outer exterior of one’s fleshly being and material possessions. It derives from what a person observes with physical eyes and often what someone hears and feels. Sexual and physical attractions go hand in hand. A spiritual attraction is being drawn to the godly and God-ward attitude someone displays, as well as the biblical principles one lives by. This attraction is derived from viewing a person’s walk in discipleship and relationship with God.

While many people have experienced one of these attractions, I’m curious to know what draws and holds one’s attention. It seems as though the strongest of all attractions is physical, because people react to what they see, especially if they like what they see; but how many times has a physical attraction turned into a bad experience? Meaning, how many times has a physically attractive person turned you off because of their attitude, demeanor, so on and so on?   And in turn, how many times have you been attracted to someone who is not so physically attractive, but has a heart of gold, and the spirit of an angel? There are many reasons why people are drawn to someone, too many to name, but some primary reasons people are drawn to someone is because they are curious about them, they want to know more about who they are, they may have common interests with them, or they are compelled to assist them emotionally. Whatever the reasons people are attracted to someone, the fact remains that something within someone else taps into the curiosity of another person which leads them to want to get to know them better. Attraction stimulates and peeks the initial curiosity of someone, but which attraction is stronger, and which attraction actually keeps you interested?

Which attractions lead your relationships? Which attraction is the focal point for building your relationships?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Black women are often criticized for having a laundry list of qualifications that a man must meet in order to date him, but a love list can be a useful thing when it comes to dating, if you use it the right way.

I remember the cover of the February 2008 issue of O Magazine had a teaser for “The Love List,” and inside was a story about a woman who had made a list of 100 qualities she wanted in a partner, tucked it away, and five years later the man of her dreams (list) appeared. They got married, and shockingly, her new husband met 98 of those criteria.

I got right on that and made my own list of things I wanted, though I didn’t quite make it to 100. I still have the list, and I’m still waiting for whatever concoction of a man I tried to describe on a piece of paper to appear, although it probably needs a little refreshing at this point.

Luckily, there’s a less labor-intensive way of finding “the one” without trying to create him from scratch. This list is more like a screening tool for the guys you already come in contact with. Jill Di Donato, an Adjunct English Professor at F.I.T, calls it the list of 10 things to ask yourself before you begin dating someone:

1.     Is he age appropriate?
2.     Is he smart?
3.     Is he sensitive towards my feelings?
4.     Is he trustworthy?
5.     Does he have a stable job/career that offers steady income?
6.     Have we been intoxicated every time we’ve hung out?
7.     Have I caught him in a lie?
8.     Has he shown signs of meanness?
9.     Does he have a good relationship with his family?
10.     Does he make an effort to contact me, or is he literally unavailable?

I love the intoxication question but sometimes it’s necessary to ask. I feel like this list should be made into an app so you can keep track of these qualities for different men in case you conveniently forget that ol’ boy lied to you about having a job or he constantly has an excuse for why he can’t see you. A notification should go off when a man has two red flags—Professor Di Donato’s rule—and then you know it’s time to go in the other direction—ASAP.

What I like about these qualities is that they are mostly focused on character. In the O story, the woman listed character traits but she also wrote down things such as “he likes gardening, fishing, and wears dark gray socks.” Sure, it would be cool to have the same hobbies as a couple, but those things have little to do with whether someone is good for you or will treat you well.

There’s one thing I might add to the list like, is our relationship strictly physical, because we all know the chances of that escalating to something more meaningful are slim to none. I could swap that in for “age appropriate” to keep the list to 10 items, but other than that I think these qualities are pretty dead on. They point out the subtle things that tend to get overlooked but are huge warning signs that you’re on the road to nowhere. There may be more fundamental things that you’re looking for in a partner, but I think these are a good starting point to keep you from pulling a Vivica and falling in love with a six pack and a smile.

What do you think about this list, does it cover the most important things you should look out for when you’re thinking about dating someone? Is there anything you would add or remove from the list?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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