madamenoire.com

Have you ever noticed that successful individuals of the Caucasian persuasion rarely say they accomplished something for the benefit of their race or community? They usually cite personal desires as the source of their drive. It’s an interesting contrast to minorities who often speak of a need to represent for their people. The desire to make your community proud is an admirable one. But, the pressure of carrying an entire race or gender on your back can be a burden on the climb to success.

A Huffington Post op-ed captures the pressure black women in particular face, saying “I feel it is my duty to rep my groups well, so maybe there will be one less comment, one less shunning of someone else who comes along or to combat some crappy individual that somebody crossed paths with… There is a weight that I carry around because my words, actions and interactions are frequently perceived on behalf of my race and gender. No pressure, right?”

That’s a lot of pressure, actually. This role model mindset requires performing for two audiences — your people and the public. You can turn yourself into a one-woman show of making one group proud while debunking stereotypes held by the other. But where does the opinion of the person doing all the work come into play? Living up to the standards of others requires that you let other people define what success looks like for you.

Muhammad Ali said, “I don’t have to be what you want me to be. I’m free to be what I want.” He made this statement after joining the Nation of Islam. I have a feeling it was directed to his own people as much as White America.

At times your goals will align with those of your community or outsiders you want to impress, but it is important to be clear where the differences lie. Ali realized the problem with living to please everyone else. It’s impossible to do.

Black folks in particular can be a hard group to please. Take Gabrielle Douglas, the first black woman to win gold in the gymnastics individual all-around. Before the medal could be hung around her neck, many of the people she had just blazed a path for prefaced their praise with ridicule over what brand of gel she put in her hair. Lucky for Douglas, she pursued a gymnastics dream that was all her own, saving her well-deserved victory from being tarnished.

You have just as much control over what your own people think of you as you do the assumptions that are made about your race or gender based on your behavior. None. So, forget what they think. Concentrate on representing yourself in a way that makes you proud.

People can be inspired or have their minds opened by witnessing your climb to success, but ultimately the journey is a personal one. Everyone’s opinion on what success looks like and how it should be handled is different. Trying to live up to someone else’s vision of success is the definition of not being true to you. The only opinion on your life that matters is yours.

C. Cleveland is a freelance writer and content strategist in New York City, perfecting living the fierce life at The Red Read. She is at your service on Twitter @CleveInTheCity.

From YourTango

By Kavita Patel

Last week, I had a three-hour intensive session with a client, during which we talked through how my client, Kerry, owns her own business and feels like she is constantly working hard at her job and in her persona lrelationships. She is tired of being single and wants to feel supported in her life by a man she loves. And while I completely understand what she was saying, a red flag went up for me when she said she consistently feels like she has to do it all on her own.

As we were discussing her relationship with her parents, I started to see a pattern of her admiring both her mother and father for the fact that they always have her back. Her dad exemplifies this — not only in his relationship with her — but with his entire family and friends. I dug a little deeper and asked her why is it so important for her to feel like someone has her back. She said, “Because then I know that I am fully supported.”

The dots started connecting for me. When we admire something about our parents, we put them on a pedestal around that specific characteristic. When you place one or both parents on a pedestal, you put pressure on yourself to be just like them. Usually, you do not give yourself credit for already being great in this area and continue to work toward being just like your mother or father.

This was showing up in Kerry’s life in how she so desperately wanted a man to have her back and somehow kept attracting men that did not. This was happening for Kerry because she was putting so much pressure on herself to constantly uphold the values of her parents. Always being someone else’s support system meant that their was no space for someone else to be her’s. Hence, she was consistently feeling like she has to control her life and is tired of not having a man be her support system.

Read Kavita Patel’s advice for how to ease up on yourself at YourTango.com.

More on Madame Noire!

• The Benefits Of Having A Bestie With A Boyfriend: 7 Relationship Tips To Learn From Your BFF
• Oldies But Goodies! A Few Of Our Favorite Back In The Day Boos
• Let’s Say Chuuurch! 8 “Holier Than Thou” Celebs…
• If It’s Broke, Fix It: Why Some Friendships Are Worth Sticking Out
• The Bottom Chick: Is This You?
• Where Are They Now? 9 Blue-Eyed Soul Singers We Used To Jam To

From YourTango.com

thinkstock.com

Spinning class may have just become a woman’s worst enemy.

More specifically, the traditional bike seat we sit on as we cycle our way through such workouts may be affecting our sexual health. Previous studies have shown that those hard seats are linked to erectile dysfunction in men, but now women are at risk, too.

Here’s the problem: When we sit on a bike seat, the nerves and blood vessels in our genital area get compressed. Researchers at Yale already knew that female cyclists had less genital sensation than female runners (based on a 2006 study). They hypothesized that these bike-riding ladies, then, thanks to the aforementioned seat design, were at risk for sexual problems.

For the complete story, visit YourTango.com.

More on Madame Noire!

• Dating Before Divorced! These Folks Just Couln’t Wait…
• Not So Famous Sisters of Famous Black Celebrities Part III
• LASH OUT! The 7 Best Mascaras For Lash Length – EDITOR PICKS
• Relationship Reflections: Things To Think About After The Breakup
• Oh No She Didn’t: Tyra Banks Fires Jay Manuel, Nigel Barker, and J.Alexander from ANTM
• Brooklyn Man Locked Up Nearly a Year for Rape Even Though Victim Recanted Story
• ‘Broke’: New Documentary Looks at How Pro Athletes (Foolishly) Lose All Their Money
• Is Church A Waste of Time?