All Articles Tagged "parents"
I bet it has something to do with that man pictured above.
According to Variety, tensions are riding high on the set of OWN’s highly successful Welcome to Sweetie Pie’s. While the audience is accustomed to seeing the star of the show, Robbie Montgomery, fuss with her son (and restaurant manager), Tim (that’s the man pictured above), and the rest of the family on a regular basis, they never see what’s happening behind the scenes.
The report says that in October, Tim, the restaurant staff and the production team for Pilgrim Studios allegedly got into a very heated argument. While the details are sketchy, this apparently hasn’t been the first time the sides have been at war. The network sent co-president Erik Logan to the set of the show with security in an attempt to diffuse the situation. Variety reports that OWN believes all the anger from Tim stems from his many stresses as a manager, a father and soon-t0-be husband. So basically, he has the same problems as everyone else but he just chooses to lash out? Oh okay. As someone who’s seen the show and watched Tim lose his cool on everyone, including his mother, for no reason at all, it comes as no surprise they’re having so many issues. Whether or not they decide to air this on Sweetie Pie’s has not yet been determined.
The arguing is coming from all directions. The family is in such disarray that OWN actually offered them therapy from Iyanla Vanzant whose had a breakout show on OWN, Iyanla, Fix My Life. OWN reps did confirm that cameras filmed the sessions but it is ultimately up to the family if they want any of it to hit the airwaves.
Poor Miss Robbie. She’s got one of the few successful shows on OWN and it is being jeopardized by what is likely some foolishness. If her son is indeed a big part of the problem, she needs to make some tough decisions about her son and how he fits into her businesses.
My father, like most, isn’t perfect. He’s a very reserved fella for the most part, and even when there’s a packed house full of folks stopping by his home to talk and catch up with him, he will have very little to say. He will say he’s listening, but for the most part, he’s trying to catch up on what the political pundits are talking about. If you have somewhere to go by a certain time, he’ll move at a snail’s pace unintentionally to take you there. He can be extraordinarily blunt about his thoughts and any questions he has for you: “Are you dating anyone yet? No? Well, are you looking in the right places?”
Yes, he can be a mess sometimes. My mother often agrees. While they’ve been together for more than 30 years, that doesn’t mean that their relationship is in its smooth sailing with a side of coasting phase. When they actually get along, they really get along well. But my parents still argue about money issues, about my father being inconsiderate, and a slew of other things that are half the reason I moved out soon after returning from college. And while my father was never vocal about their issues when I used to check in with him over the phone (remember how I said he is reserved?), my mom was the complete opposite when I was younger, and still is to this day. If you’ve got ears, she’s got a story to tell, and many of them have to do with the faults of my father.
“You know that your daddy ___.” From going on random trips and having an alleged affair affair, to being stingy with money, jealous, controlling, easily offended, distant, and straight up evil in her opinion at times, my mom has given me more information about my father over the years than I ever cared to know. And I don’t think she shares it to possibly turn me away from my father, but I think she does it because she gets frustrated, and because we’re close, sometimes she talks to me like I’m her girlfriend and forgets that I’m still her child–and he’s still my dad. As time has passed I’ve let her anecdotes roll off my back, but other times, I’ll be saddened by the information she gives me. Everyone has a specific image of who they think their parent is and how they are, and when someone pokes holes in that image, big holes sometimes, it can be extremely disappointing.
On TV, movies and even in real everyday life, I’ve watched people who were upset by the actions of a parent cut them off cold turkey, even if that parent’s actions didn’t directly affect them at all. I’ve even had co-workers say that if a parent cheats on their spouse, they’re cheating on the whole family. Maybe these parents were already failing in taking care or being there for their children in some way, but many people let the bad choices a father makes in his relationship with his wife have an effect on they view them as a father. To each his own.
But for all the faults that have been exposed about the man I call my father, there have just been too many sacrifices, too much support, too much advice and too much love given to me to look down at my father with anger, resentment or sadness. Maybe that’s why I often have to tune my mom out when she decides to share her latest issue with my dad with me. While I know my father could do better when it comes to fixing the issues within his relationship with my mom, it’s not really my business to get involved. Plus, my mother has decided to stay year after year and take both the good and the bad, so she knows what she’s dealing with. And besides, after years of watching them both bicker and be equally irrational at times, I’m not interested in taking anybody’s side.
While some might stop talking to their fathers because of their marital choices, pops doesn’t have to explain all of his choices to me, he just needs to be my father. And in all honesty, he’s done a pretty great job at that as far back as I can remember. He’s put me through school, kept me safe, helped me with my homework even when he was painfully tired after work, allowed me the opportunity to travel the world, talked me about things I wasn’t sure who to turn to about, encouraged and supported my professional endeavors and cried with me at times when I thought he couldn’t be emotionally open. So no, my dad’s not perfect, and he’s not the perfect husband by any means. He’s even acknowledged that he hopes his daughter’s can find men who can treat them better than he treated my mother in the past. But I never asked my dad to be perfect and I don’t expect him to be. However, he’s been there and that’s all I really can really ask for. The rest? Hey, my nickname is Bennet, and I ain’t trying to be in it.
I’ve never been one hundred percent behind the whole “blood is thicker than water” saying and I stand completely behind the idea that being family doesn’t mean you‘re exempt from getting cut out of my life. No one ever questions people’s decisions to break ties with friends who drain them or eliminate men from their lives who are no good, but for some reason when said person is a parent, the idea is suddenly taboo, forsaken, perhaps even sinful if you believe you must always honor thy father and mother. But cutting my father out of my life is exactly what I decided to do a couple of weeks ago.
I always suspected this day would come. I envisioned it, dreamed about what I would say, made up an entire monologue in my head even, yet secretly knew I’d frankly never have the balls – or so I thought – to say any of those things, until one day I did. I knew the time had come when I’d sent my father an email asking him why a payment he’d committed to making didn’t go through. Essentially, I asked what was up and whether something had changed that I was unaware of. Rather than give me a straight answer he danced in circles like he was practicing the waltz telling me he was thinking about how he demonstrates love within our family relationship, suggested that I do some introspection regarding how I demonstrate love to my family, and added if I wanted to have a real conversation let him know. I basically read that as an “eff you, holla at me if you have beef” response and proceeded to let him know just how I felt about the love he so arrogantly thought he’d demonstrated to me all my life in a 1,768-word email because I’m a writer and that’s how I communicate best.
To be clear, my reaction wasn’t just about this one, passive aggressive incident, it was about a pattern of behavior that I had had enough of. And so, after running down all the times I’d felt let down, and his constant lack of consideration for how his actions affect me (like not doing something he said he would), and all the guilt trips he’d taken me on from the time I was a little girl with no heads up that I was packing for baggage I’d be carrying as an adult, I was in Keyshia Cole mode. I just wanted it to be over. I was confident in my decision and frankly didn’t even want a response from him because I knew he would only confirm that I was making the right choice. And sure enough that’s exactly what he did by way of a 90-word note that suggested I should get therapy to find the peace that surpasses all understanding and that I could never dismiss him as my father. Or so he thought.
The thing is, I’d long accepted that the man who contributed half of my DNA makeup was not and never could be a father, and at my age I’m too old for that. The daddy lessons and experiences I missed have already shaped me into the woman I am and I really see no need for that type of figure in my life at this point. Had he always been there, it would be different. But to try to catch someone up on 27 years of a life they missed and then rely on them as some sort of source of wisdom when they can’t even acknowledge their own wrongdoing isn’t something I’m interested in. And clearly neither is he, from the response he sent me when I laid out our relationship for him in black and white. I didn’t go on an emotional rant; I didn’t even call him the names I normally do in my head. I provided a chronological, factual, and logical list that I thought he could appreciate. It included the times I’d been disappointed and shunned and the ways he didn’t fulfill his obligations as a parent while simultaneously trying to blame me for the fact that we don’t have a relationship. The bottom line, from my view, was that it was his job to establish that bond when I was a child, particularly when he lived in a different city. But instead he was too busy trying to prove that I wasn’t his to actually find out who Brande is and how he could get to know her, then taking credit for my accomplishments whenever he could as if he had anything to do with them.
And so, as I deleted contact information of men I’d been holding on to unnecessarily for too long and vowed never to reach out to again when I got a new cell number this summer, I also let my father know that until he was ready to own up to some things and really think about what I needed from him without expecting all these things from me that he hadn’t earned, I wasn’t interested in doing the song and dance anymore. I could do without the phone calls on Christmas and maybe my birthday, if he remembered the date. I’ve had those types of relationships with men I dated. It wasn’t enough with them and it’s not enough from him either.
I believe if we’re going to put fathers and lovers in the same boat and say the way we relate to men is directly correlated to how we deal with our fathers, then I believe we should be able to deal with our fathers the same way we deal with said lovers. No one would advise a woman to sit around and wait for the next disappointment or accept anything less than what she deserves from a romantic suitor and I believe those same rules apply when it comes to a parent. The way I look at things, I’ve put up Mimi-Stevie J numbers waiting for my dad to come around and at least acknowledge he fell short of being the father he needed to be. It was time to look at the reality of our relationship: love don’t live here (I can’t say anymore because it never really has).
As expected, when I mentioned the situation to my grandfather (his dad), he hit me with the cliché “life is too short” line and said both me and my father should be ashamed of ourselves. I agreed with him on one point. Life is too short. Too short to hold your tongue and settle for less than you deserve in all relationships, including that of a parent and child.
As I told my father, the choice really wasn’t that difficult because it wasn’t like not speaking to him would really be all that different from not speaking to him. What I had to make peace with was being that stereotypical black girl without a father who would be labeled as having daddy issues any time she said something negative about a man. But at least, unfortunately, I have plenty of company.
What do you think about cutting a parent out of your life? Is it any different from ending other disappointing relationships?
More on Madame Noire!
- Heyello! 11 Bahamian Celebrities We Love And Per The Usual, A Few Surprises…
- The Thirst Files: How He Dickmatized Her
- Down With The Brown? Celebrities Who Look Black…But Aren’t
- Long Hair? You Do Care! 6 Ways to Get It to Grow
- Usher, It’s Time to Move On, You’re No Trey Songz
- Ratch On Ratch On Ratch: 7 Moments You Had To See From Part 1 Of The Love & Hip-Hop Reunion
- Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making of “Love and Basketball”
In-laws, when supportive and approving of your relationship with their child, can be quite nice. But when they don’t like you, for one reason or another, they can make your life a living hell. We got with some of our Facebook followers to see what they had to say about the topic.
D Anika: his mama put me out her house and I didn’t do anything to her. no it didn’t ruin the relationship, we still together, only we can break us up, we don’t let outsiders determine us.
If you’ve recently, or ever, graduated from college, you know that it’s a proud moment but an all around uncertain time. You go from years of having a schedule to waking up every morning wondering if someone is going to call you with an offer to change your life. It’s scary to say the least. As if you needed any more pressure, there will always be that well-intentioned aunt, parent or random neighbor who wants to know your next move. Shoot, you don’t know your next move.You don’t want to hear any of that. See what type of questions I’m talking about.
This article is for you if you’ve thought or said the following things:
“I have a child with a head full of hair and I don’t know what to do with it!”
“Oh baby, my child’s hair looks nothing like mine, what do I do?”
“Oh baby, my child’s hair is so dry/fine/curly/kinky/thick, I’m just trying to figure out how to keep it healthy!”
Are you a parent who is struggling to figure out how to deal with your child’s hair because they don’t have a similar texture to your own? You’ve mastered the art of your hair and then your bundle of joy comes into the world with a beautiful head of hair that you just can’t figure out. Or maybe you always go to the salon to care for your hair and it’s not a good idea to try and convince your two-year-old to sit still to get their hair done at the salon too. It’s a common problem that plenty of parents face, but I’m here to ease the struggle.
Part of taking your relationship to another level is meeting your spouse’s family, and it happens to be one of the most nerve-wrecking parts as well. So many aspects come into play, from sparking up a conversation to showing yourself “worthy” of being with their son, their brother or their cousin; every family has that “one” who wants to make sure you are the right fit and might not come off too nice in the process.
Integrating your lives together with each other’s families is not a popularity contest. Being your true self is the only way you can expect to win them over and eventually, seeing yourself as a part of the family (if the relationship takes that route in the future). Dealing with a spouse’s family is not a competition you should expect to win or lose, but there are common mishaps you should keep in mind to make sure your best effort is put forward.
I love my Father. I feel so blessed to have landed such a great one. The best chef, a wizard with words and a craftsman who has built houses with his bare hands. I owe a lot to him. He prepared me for so much in life.
However, there’s one thing he never prepared me for. As I approach my late twenties I’m struggling with watching my Father age. It’s like it happened over night. My Father was in his early thirties when I was born and other than his weight fluctuating he hadn’t aged much once he hit 40 years old. Since I moved out at 18, I’ve seen my father in 3-6 months intervals ever since. But it’s been these last two years where each visit it’s like I’m seeing a new person. And I’m terrified. Every visit I’m being reminded that there will be a day when I have to say a final good bye, a day where I will miss him and I can’t hop on the train to see him or pick up the phone and call him. Just the thought brings me to tears and now I have a visual reminder that it is the reality of me getting older, my parents are too. However what separates my Mother from my Father in the aging process, are factors that affect most men, especially the Baby Boomers of color. Mental health.
The Black community has long skirted the issue of mental health, curtly brushing it under the rug. Smacking it down as some repugnant trait of those with less melanin. Even as we have watched some of our biggest celebrities grapple with the complexities of poor mental health, D’angelo, Junior Seau, Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston. Our community has ignored the gravity that mental health has on our over well-being and quality of life. This is especially true for Black men who often are taught to define their masculinity by their ability to hold in their emotions. Never cry, never break down…you must always pick your self up and keep it moving. My Father has been threw two divorces, a failed engagement and a recession that wiped out his 401k and hopes of retiring anytime soon. He was trained to pick it up and keep it moving, never letting on to any emotional turmoil. He grinned and bared it all. My Mother was hit exceptionally hard just as my Father, with the ending of her marriage, another failed relationship, the complete burglary and then loss of her home. She too grinned and bared it, right to the therapist and gym. For women, though we still have a long way to go, the push towards understanding our mental health has been a lot more rampant and vocal. My Mother has had a chance to hear that discussion.
As a twenty something, watching the recession help make my college degree close to worthless, fighting to stay a float in the biggest rat race known as New York City and the myriad of other struggles that have left me not wanting to get out of bed, the biggest mental note savior has been that I can’t give up because I still have so much life to live. At 60 years old, the same mental note doesn’t carry much weight. The aging I’ve seen my Dad undergo, seems to be a clear sign of his beginning to give up. He’s going through the motions of life and it’s as if I’m watching him dig his own premature grave.
Father’s Day is Sunday, and the biggest gift you can give to your Father is that of happiness and health. There’s a myriad of statistics to back up my personal tale, even Soledad O’brien touched on it on Black in America. But it’s not numbers that need to move you. Rather your heart that makes you sit down and have that careful conversation with your father. No one wants to see their Dad die from a sudden heart attack, stroke or any other stress induced condition. We can’t ignore how our Father’s eating, sleeping and personal hygiene habits are indicative of their mental health. If any of those habits are faltering it is a clear connection to their mental health.
Put out some thoughtful suggestions even if he shoots them down, just ask that he think about them on his own. Then offer to do your part to help him get better. It can be as simple as calling every day to pray with him, offering to make his bed, buy him new pillows (good sleep is important!), whatever simple task cater it to your father’s needs and being.
I implore all of you for Father’s Day to make that start too. Find your angle and have that talk with your father.
I did and in one sentence I burst into tears and finished out an hour long conversation in between sobs.
Dad, I love you and I need you to live long(er)…
Following in the footsteps of Sybrina Fulton and her touching Mother’s Day PSA about Trayvon Martin and the problems with the “Stand Your Ground” law, Tracy Martin has put out his own PSA about his son, his first Father’s Day without Trayvon, and the need to combat “Stand Your Ground” laws and help prevent a Father’s Day where 30,000 fathers will be without their sons. Those were the statistics presented for the number of sons and daughters slain through gun violence just last year alone.
The video is one that tugs at the heart strings, especially when images of Trayvon and Tracy are presented (especially the one where Tracy is kissing his son on the cheek).The main point of the video seems to be that it’s important for people to contact their governors and ask them to re-examine the “Stand Your Ground” laws that stand across the country. There are about 25 in all. If you know anybody who has been killed by senseless acts of violence involving firearms, I’m sure you can understand Tracy’s pain, and can feel him when he says, “Life can be beautiful.” To help do your part, go to SecondChanceOnShootFirst.org to gain more information on the many reckless gun laws and what you can do to help put a halt to them. Until then, check out the video below and let us know your thoughts. Happy Father’s Day Mr. Martin.
More on Madame Noire!
- Cute Kid Alert: Diddy Shows Love to Chance, Christian and Justin for Graduating, Charlize Takes Jackson Out & More
- The Woman Behind The Baller: Amar’e's Fiance Dishes On How They Met, Her Move To NYC, and The Grand Proposal
- Madame On The Street: Who Should You NOT Take Relationship Advice From?
- You Could’ve Kept That: 9 Movie Remakes and Sequels That Shouldn’t Have Seen the Light of Day
- Don’t Be His Fool, or His Doormat: Excuses Women Need to Stop Making For Men
- Jealous? Why You Should Be At Peace With Yourself Before Entering A Relationship
- Like A Fine Glass Of Wine: 8 Hollywood Leading Ladies Who Have Aged Gracefully
Arguably the best hip-hop lyricist of all time, the late and legendary Tupac Shakur was born to Afeni Shakur and Billy Garland, who were both active members of the Black Panther Party in its prime. Afeni was charged with multiple felonies during the late ‘60s for allegedly conspiring to bomb public places in New York. All of the charges were later dropped.