All Articles Tagged "parenthood"
A couple of days ago I came across Jezebel’s article: “What Former Sl*ts Tell Their Daughters About Sex.” Not only did the title intrigue me but it made me think about the type of language we use to describe women who are sexually liberated. It also made me reminisce on a conversation I had with my Caribbean mother, as I inquired about her sex life. Of course she shut that down promptly and told me women do not kiss and tell — words I live by in my own dating life.
In their article, Jezebel investigates a Reddit Thread titled: Mothers who were promiscuous in your younger days- Did your values change once you had a daughter? Because of the word choice, the Jezebel article’s author, Tracy Moore, questioned:
“Why daughters? Why mothers? And why would dads never be asked this question about themselves or their sons? But we know why — because men still aren’t called sluts, and are often not even called promiscuous, which is just a coded word for slut and is typically used only to refer to women.”
Moore’s point moved me because as inquisitive as I am, I usually find myself asking my mother or aunts about their sex lives back in the day rather than my father or uncles. Reason being, the latter party has biologically shown me they had what appears to be a great time based on the number of siblings or cousins I have. Also, my father and uncles are more open about their sexual exploits (minus inappropriately awkward details I don’t want or need to know) because they were raised among men who freely traded stories about their sexual relations. Using my own family as an example, I understand the importance of the Reddit thread, which doesn’t necessarily focus on the juicy details of parents’ sex lives, but offers communication about how a person uses and treats their own sexuality based on personal or cultural measuring sticks. Two Reddit users responded to the question of their values changing by stating:
Yes and no, while I cringe at the thought of her being a sexual being, I understand that it is inevitable. I try to teach her the anatomical names of her body parts and that they are normal. I try to teach her what real love is like and to be a good example of what a woman is….other than what I’ve mentioned, I plan on being honest and thorough in all aspects of her education including sex. – Azzkerraznack
Why does the gender of the child matter?
I want the same thing for my sons and my daughters. Healthy sexual relationships with people who treat them well and are treated well in return.
I’d rather my kid have a fun ONS with an interesting, respectful stranger than spend 15 years ‘in love’ with someone who uses her and makes her miserable.- Whatim
When I brought this topic to two friends of mine who are also MadameNoire readers they responded with this insight:
I don’t consider myself to be promiscuous however, I would explain to my children when they come of age that sex is a powerful thing. It can bring a lot of pleasure and also a lot of pain. If you don’t have intentions on pursuing this particular person don’t lay with them because people’s feelings get involved and crazy things can happen. Sex can be good if done properly (I.e. birth control condoms and regular check ups) I would also tell them to be safe and take care of themselves.- M.R.
My second(and last) partner last taught me a valuable lesson:You can’t use sex to erase the heartbreak of the previous relationship and that’s what I did which is why I’ve had such a tough experience but you live and you learn which is why I’ve chosen to remain celibate for a while at least until I get my sense of self back.- L.A.
Although we can trade lessons about our sexual experiences with our peers or children, it’s also important for us to understand promiscuity does not have a concrete definition. For some, three sexual partners may be extreme whereas, 10 (or more) may seem normal. With that in mind, what sex lessons would you share with your daughters?
Since the U.S. Census Bureau has been keeping record, interracial marriages have been on the rise. While there are more than 2.4 million mixed marriages in the U.S., Hollywood has been a bit slow in keeping up with times and portraying more interracial couples, but low and behold we’ve managed to find a few favorites over the years. Take a look.
“I Love Lucy’s” Ricky and Lucy Ricardo
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were one of, if not the first, interracial couple on television. Debuting in 1951, “ I Love Lucy” made groundbreaking history when it aired with the real-life husband and wife stars. The show followed the antics played out by comedian Lucille Ball while her husband looked helplessly on. The show lasted for six seasons and more than 60 years later, “I Love Lucy” remains popular with over 40 million Americans still tuning in.
Tags:Ben Savage, Boy Meets World, brittany daniels, Community, Cynthia Nixon, damon wayans jr., Desi Arnaz, Donald Glover, eliza coupe, Girlfriends, happy endings, hawthorne, I Love Lucy, Jada Pinkett Smith, kate walsh, Kerry Washington, lenny kravitz, Lucille Ball, modern family, my name is earl, parenthood, Private Practice, Roxie Roker, scandal, Sex and the City, Shameless, Shonda Rhimes, the game, the jeffersons
Variety is the spice of life is a saying that implies that different people, things and experiences are what make life exciting and worth living. When you think about it, relationships are an intricate part of the spice of life because they bring about new lessons, insight, ideas, and changes. Every relationship someone engages in requires time for nurturing and growth, no matter what type of association it is. However, in the hustle and bustle of daily routines, we have the tendency to mismanage the time we give to those we are involved with, particularly those of us who are single parents on the dating scene who struggle with balancing parenthood and romance. Finding ways to ensure that your youngsters/teenagers needs are met and developing an intimate relationship while maintaining your sanity can be a difficult task, but it’s not impossible. Keep these simple standards in mind:
your child’s needs and concerns as a priority.
As a parent, your child’s needs automatically come before yours, and definitely before someone you’re dating. While you do deserve quality adult time, know and understand that your child deserves for his/her needs to be met, and as the parent it is your job to put them before date night.
Always have quality time and activities planned with your child.
Time well spent with your offspring is valuable for the both of you because before you know it, they will be an adult. So whether it’s watching cartoons, eating ice cream or reading a book with them, make sure you designate and spend quality time. As long as they feel like you still make time for them (and not in a chore type of way), a child can be accepting of your decision to try and date and possibly of the new love interest in your life.
Designate quality time for the person you’re involved with.
Set times for calling and dates that work with both of your schedules. Always be flexible and understand that circumstances can change for the both of you in a flash, but always put forth a thoughtful effort.
Communicate openly and effectively with your mate.
Effective communication is the key to any productive relationship. Making your significant other aware of your schedule (with or without your child) and listening to theirs will provide them with a sense of inclusion and will allow you to create time for each other to meet everyone’s needs.
Make time for yourself.
Always preserve me time to ensure that you are rejuvenated so you can do what’s necessary for you, your child and your romantic interest. You are only one person and you don’t want to stretch yourself too thin, because if you do then you won’t be of any good use to anyone.
Be anxious for nothing!
Don’t rush your time with your kid to be with your love interest, and in turn don’t rush the time you’ve designated to be with someone else… unless of course it’s an emergency and you have to get back to your child. The time spent with both parties is valuable so make it worth their while and yours.
If you’re going out, ask a relative or friend in advance to take your little one out for a night on the town too.
This way everyone will be out enjoying themselves! Set a time to be back and be sure to beat your child home and ask him/her about their evening. Or if you are the parent of an older child, allow them to hang out with friends for the night (out of your house of course, unless you feel that you can trust them like that). That way they’ll have something fun and productive to do while you’re enjoying quality adult time.
Parenthood is a blessing that no one should take for granted, but in the scope of things, adults must spend time with themselves and others to create a sense of balance for their life and others around them. Being a caregiver and dating can be a wonderful experience for all…if you allow it to be. However, we must know where our priorities are, establish and keep standards for ourselves, our child or children and the people we are involved with.
What are some standards you’ve established as a single parent dating? Did they work for you?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
Dear Dr. Sherry,
My boyfriend of four years is adamant about us having a baby right now. He has a child from a previous relationship, but I do not have any children yet. I attend university part time and I’m in my last year of school. I have a full time job but my salary is not enough to support both of us and a child. We live separately so that means already have two sets of bills. Plus, he works as a painter, and his job is inconsistent, so he would be out of work for an extensive period of time if we went there.
We have an accumulated debt of approximately $100K, and three quarters of which is his. I am gravely concerned about having children right now, whereas he is very nonchalant about it. Our financial situation is the number one reason why I am not ready for a child, but he thinks that it is an insignificant issue. I am tired of defending myself and I do not know how else to explain it to him. I suggested that he talk to a good friend of his, but he said that he doesn’t need anyone’s input in his life.
What should I do?
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com
“I’m Not Your Friend, I’m Your Mother!” Mom Sells Daughter’s One Direction Tickets On Ebay As Punishment!
A woman in Sudney, Australia recently embarrassed the you-know-what out of her daughter on Ebay of all places after she got to the truth about her child’s recent indiscretions.
A user known as “tsfe” posted her daughter’s four tickets to see One Direction on Ebay this week after she found her daughter had been lying about creeping around with older guys. HEr description of what she was selling likely goes down in the parental hall of fame.
“THIS AUCTION IS FOR ALL 4 ONE DIRECTION TICKETS IN SYDNEY OCTOBER 25th. You can thank my daughters self righteous and lippy attitude for their sale. See sweety? And you thought I was bluffing. I hope the scowl on your bitchy little friends faces when you tell them that your dad and i revoked the gift we were giving you all reminds you that your PARENTS are the ones that deserve love and respect more than anyone. And your silly little pack mentality of taking your parents for fools is one sadly mistaken. Anyhow. Your loss someone else’s gain who deserves them! THE TICKETS ARE SEATED IN ROW O section 57. REMEMBER AUCTION IS FOR ALL 4 TICKETS and will be sent registered post
…OH YOUR FRIENDS THOUGHT THAT A FEW PRANKS CALLS WOULD PUT ME OFF SELLING THE GIFT WE BOUGHT FOR THEM for YOUR BIRTHDAY because YOU all LIED to us about sleep overs so you could hang like little trollops at an older guys HOUSE????? Pffft!! I find it HIGHLY amusing that you girls think you invented this stuff. Tricks like this on OUR parents is how HALF of you were conceived …..And why a lot of your friends DONT have an address to send that Fathers day card to!!! I’m not your friend. I’m your MOTHER. And I am here to give you the boundaries that YOU NEED to become a functional responsible adult. You may hate me now….. But I don’t care. Its my job to raise a responsible adult..not nuture bad habits in my teen age child.”
If you know anything about pop culture, then you’re aware that One Direction is possibly the biggest group on the planet right now. For this girl and her friends to miss an opportunity like this is surely crushing her heart at this very moment.
The auction has been taken down leading us to believe the tickets have been sold, but you can still check out a screenshot over on PEOPLE.com.
‘He’s A Great Dad:’ Jay-Z’s Mom Talks About Her Son As A Father, And What She’s Learned From Blue Ivy
While we wait to figure out whether or not Jay-Z will be a daddy a second time around, Us Weekly spoke with his mother, Gloria Carter, about how he’s faring as a daddy of one little lady so far. While at an event for the Shawn Carter Foundation over the weekend, which helps provide students with lower GPAs the opportunity to afford college, Carter spoke openly about how impressed she is with her son’s parenting skills and the impact Blue has had on him.
“It warms my heart to see how he interacts with his daughter. And when she says, ‘Papa,’ he just melts. He’s a great dad.”
And she’s not a bad grandma herself. Carter also said that she thinks Jay and Beyoncé do want more children, but so far, what she likes best about being a grandmother to Blue is that she can spend all time she likes with her…and then give her back:
“The amazing thing about being a grandmother is that you go get the kids, but when you’re tired, you can take them home!
And the funniest part of the interview came when she discussed how the 16-month-old is starting to learn what certain words mean, and that when she’s tired of being around certain people, like grandmother Carter, she dismisses them in only the way a toddler could:
“She’s very very smart. But [the TV show Babies Choice] teaches the babies that when you say hello, that means you’re going to be around. But when you say, ‘bye bye,’ it means you’re going to disappear. So when you’re around her, when she looks at you and she’s tired of you, she looks at you and she says, ‘bye bye!’ So with me I’m like, ‘No bye bye! No bye bye!'”
She’s too grown already, and we love it!
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I am writing to you for some relationship advice. I am in a happy place in my relationship with my soul mate. We have been dating for quite some time and have been living together for two years. He is in the midst of building a fabulous home and totally has me in his future plans, and I love it all.
The only problem is that he has recently told me that he will be having his teenage son come live with us full time. The teen has a number of issues that they fail to address, like obesity, constant bed-wetting, lack of manners and poor hygiene. Do I put my feelings of happiness on the back burner or try to work out the new living arrangement? I am hoping you can provide me with some help on this one.
Read what Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this on Essence.com
Tying the knot is a big step in life and while you may seem ready, there are definitely some things you’ll want to know before you say your vows and commit to just one man. Some of these small details can really impact your relationship, negatively or positively. So, if you’re hearing wedding bells in the near future, before it becomes official, here are some must-know details.
Taraji P. Henson may be one of the hardest working Black actresses in the movie biz, and now she’s revealing exactly where she got her work ethic from.
In the latest JET magazine, Henson says that her father showed her early on that anything worth having was worth working hard for.
“My daddy was blue-collar as you get,” said Henson. “At one point he was homeless, but he was always a man. He never made excuses. He got it done.”
Gotta love Taraji! She is definitely a black girl who rocks! Check out the rest over on ESSENCE.
Mama, I’m Grown: Trying To Understand Our Complicated Relationships With Our Parents As Young Adults
As children, we leaned on our parents, absorbing everything that they had to offer without apology. We depended on them for food, clothing, shelter and stability. And, in return, our parents received blind respect. For a long time, everything they said was law, there being undisputed inherent fact and truth in everything our parents uttered. Then, we started to grow up… and more often than not, we began to see the flaws in our parent’s logic and their insecurities; and their desperation and fearfulness became more transparent.
As these changes occur, and self-realization is actualized, a ‘tug-of-war’ ensues. The independent personality that’s developing challenges our parent’s perception of who we are as their child, because they don’t want to acknowledge who we’re becoming as growing individuals. And the failure to recognize that metamorphosis causes a strain on the relationship between, one that will undoubtedly worsen as we become more defiant and independent and our parent becomes more controlling and/or judgmental. We decide as teenagers and young adults that the decisions and choices that we’d like to make are unique, and should be made freely, and without the regard or permission of our parents. And, our parents, who have made similar strides in their lives, are anxious to project our failures and successes based on their own, often finding themselves wanting to dictate and hover over our decisions because they don’t want us to make the same mistakes that they’ve made.
The struggle between powerlessness and power is an inherent part of the parent-child dynamic, because it’s several people fighting over the direction of one life –and what makes it a fight, as opposed to a negotiation are feelings of entitlement. Parents feel that they have a say over our future because they’ve invested our lives, and financially and physically nurtured us. Less grateful for parent’s support, we see any attempt to direct us as a hasty attempt to manage us or stifle us.
The trouble with our parent’s hands in our lives is that as we grow, those hands have a less deserving place as a controlling hold on our lives, both physically and metaphorically. And, part of that growth is relieving our parents of responsibility. Some of our parent’s confusion over the power they hold over us is based on the fact that many of us still financially lean on parents –and within recent years, many of us have returned home after college. The issue with that is while using our parent’s funds and abusing their hospitality –as we did when we were children, we still express the desire to be treated like adults (stay out as late as we want, do whatever, whenever, even though we’re still coming home to our parents). But the blunt fact is that we can’t demand the benefits of adulthood, if we’re still behaving like children.
The only clear resolution to the parent/child problem is to find a place of understanding. Parents have to take a step down from their high horses, and children have to move out of a place of arrogance to discuss expectations and goals. Getting to a place where communication is possible may not resolve all of the issues that reside within the parent and (adult) child relationship, but it generates the possibility that both parties can explain their positions and help their relationship grow.