All Articles Tagged "pain"
A few months ago one of my best friends from high school, Jessica*, reconnected with me. We were best friends since our freshman year, but after not addressing hurt feelings for years and our own bad behavior (mine) our friendship died the year I graduated college. We’ve begun to rebuild our friendship and catch up on our lives since our hiatus. During one of our talks, we mentioned our impending class reunion and I was overcome with feelings of dread. For the most part, high school was pretty good for me, until the last quarter of my last semester. I was friends with pretty much everyone at the school, but I had my core group of friends that began to deteriorate near graduation. A frenemy, who I truly thought was a friend, began to bash me to our mutual friends. Usually, if someone knows you well enough you expect for people to speak up for you, but the advantage that my frenemy had (that I didn’t recognize until after I went to college) was that my friends weren’t really friends with each other. Though I had my group of best friends, the only common denominator was me. If we all hung out, it was because I was there. They never called each other independently of me. So it was easy to drop a nugget of deception in one of their ears, because my frenemy was only seeing part of the story, and when there are holes in a situation, people usually fill them up with negativity.
I was the villain, and I wasn’t comfortable with that. But when I would ask people around me what I should do, their answer was always: ”Just let it go. Don’t even address it.” But it was eating me up, because it seemed like my silence would fuel the rumors, the lies, and with that people began to add on. I went from being a friend, to being some type of dictator that my frenemy’s cohort would even begin to tell my old teachers once I graduated and left the school. It was a mess, especially for the fact that I’m an extremely passive person, but I’m very dynamic, so I began to question myself. Is my personality that overbearing? Am I really brainwashing/bullying people to do what I want them to? Is there something wrong with me? Jessica and one of my other best friends would reassure me that I wasn’t this monster, but the damage in my mind was already done.
I honestly think that it influenced me so much that it’s what propelled my drive to get out of my hometown, taking any and every job all across the US just to avoid running into someone from that time and hearing: ”Oh hey! How are you? The last time I heard about you [insert frenemy's name here] said that you karate chopped some nuns and set fire to an orphanage? What’s that about?”
So when we had a recent flush of Janet Hubert articles in March, I could identify with her situation. I could feel her anger, her frustration of the fact that even though the situation had ended 20 years ago, she came off as a villain. No matter how she tried to reverse the situation and tell her side of the story, she comes off as erratic and the fact that her former cast members of the show are silent, the holes are filled by a negative view point on her.
It’s hard when a reputation proceeds you, or it’s built on assumptions, rather than facts. Though there are many explanations on how things happened, the full story never gets told and you’re the one left with the pain, and the constant questioning of: ”What happened?” You’re the one stewing in self-doubt and the realization that a resolution will never come because when there’s only one side of a story, people don’t want to discuss it. They just want to hold on to their preconceived notions about you.
Dealing with that incident was very isolating for me, but I can’t imagine how it is for Janet, due to the fact that when she tries to move on, her career is still defined by the questions and lack of answers. But as time moved on, in my situation, people did too, and eventually the pain is subsiding. I just hope the same for Ms. Hubert, some day.
Why The Discussion About Colorism Won’t Change Or End Unless We’re Honest With Ourselves And Deal With Our Own Pain
Aside from being a big topic of discussion after A$AP Rocky’s words about women of a darker complexion needing to pass on bright red lipstick, colorism was also the topic of discussion on Twitter a few weeks ago. And the question posed that intrigued me to the point of response was simply:
“Will colorism end without discussing it? Have things improved due to the relative silence over the subject?
I didn’t have to think very hard about that. Every discussion I had been a part of up to a few months ago and every discussion I silently watched unfold ended in hurt feelings and intense anger on one or both sides. For a long time I just chalked it up to years of, “Well that’s just the way it is.” But seeing the discussion get started on Twitter once again, I really got to the root of why I believed simply DISCUSSING colorism will not improve anything.
I grew up being called “high yella” and enduring jabs from classmates telling me that I was trying to be a white girl. When I wasn’t being dissed I was being asked, “Are you mixed? What are you?” People were genuinely interested when they thought I was some exotic mixture of ethnic blood. When I convinced them I was simply and awesomely black, interest was lost. I don’t have time to get into how that tug-of-war effed up my sense of self royally. Nor do I want to go into it. Why? Because there will always be a few who are darker than me who will be outraged by the fact that I even allude to struggling with color issues. And that’s fine, but the discussion about colorism will NOT improve or erase colorism because a great many people just DO NOT respect the other side’s struggle. And if there is no respect between dark and light, there can never be a discussion that will make things better. If there is no foundation of empathy and compassion, what good will a discussion do?
My sister is a few shades darker than me and for years we fought like cats and dogs. I had no real understanding of why. I thought she just hated me and I left it at that. Fine. I hated her too.
It wasn’t until last summer, both of us in our late twenties, that we sat and had a real conversation about it. She revealed to me that her whole life she felt people cared about me more because I was lighter and deemed prettier than her. It blew my mind because I never considered colorism in my own household with my own family. It was “out there,” but not “in here” in my mind. I just thought she had the devil in her when we fought. I had no idea how deep a hurt she was dealing with. But once I shut up and invited her to speak freely, I got it. I understood her and she understood me. But it wasn’t until we decided to drop our defenses and hear each other out objectively that a conversation about colorism would help us to progress. We had to grow up first. And that is something most folks can’t/won’t do. They want to stay stuck in their own little worlds of hurt ON BOTH SIDES of the debate and not acknowledge the pain and frustration on the other side of the line. That is and will always be counterproductive.
The other reason that a discussion about colorism won’t improve the situation is because no one wants to take self-inventory. It’s easy to say “I’m dark-skinned and I’ve been discriminated against” or “I’m light-skinned and been unfairly judged” and never look to see what part you might have played in the discrimination/unfair judgment by someone who isn’t on your side of it all. Were you a light-skinned child who teased and berated darker-skinned girls? Did you stand by and ALLOW it to happen even if you never partook in such behavior? Were you an insecure child of a darker complexion who bullied the child lighter than you because you felt inferior? Let’s get real. We all have hurt and pain, but how often do we dig deeper to see what hurt we’ve inflicted on others?
If we can be honest with ourselves first, and deal with our pain/pre-judgments, then a progressive discussion can happen. But not before. Take it from a sister who is still digging deep daily, learning about herself and others and striving to become better.
La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check her out on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and AboutMe www.about.me/latruly.
Have you ever outwardly forgiven a friend or family member for some horrible offense they’ve committed against you while you inwardly still held a grudge about it? I have and it isn’t a pretty sight. Claiming to have forgiven a person while you are inwardly harboring feelings of resentment is not something that is always done with malicious intents and motives. One of the more popular examples of this is currently the strange relationship that has been depicted between Jackie and Laura of “Basketball Wives: LA,” where Laura pretends to be okay with Jackie to her face although she doesn’t actually care for her. Many have accredited Laura’s actions to being insincere or phony; however, it seems that most of her actions are a result of “unforgiveness.” In some cases you may actually posses the will and desire to forgive a person, but your heart is still healing and you’re having trouble doing so. Unaddressed feelings of resentment and “unforgiveness” have a tendency to fester and materialize into thoughts of revenge, and we already know that our thoughts can quickly become our actions. Not sure you’ve fully forgiven that person who hurt you? That’s okay, feelings and emotions can be difficult to decode sometimes, but lucky for you we are here to help. Check out nine signs that you have not fully forgiven a person even though you think you may have.
Whatever tricks a dancer at the Penthouse Club in Philadelphia has up her sleeve, I need to learn. Or maybe not, because a result of the stripper busting it open for a real patron, the gentleman’s club is now being sued by the customer who alleges the pole dancer twerked it on him so bad he had to have surgery.
According to KTLA news in LA:
Patrick Gallagher claims he and his friends went to the Philadelphia-area Penthouse Club for his bachelor party back in 2010. His bachelor’s package included a special performance from a stripper.
During the dance, Gallagher was laying on the stage when the stripper slid down a pole with such force that she ruptured his bladder upon landing, according to the lawsuit.
The next morning Gallagher went to the hospital where he was told he had suffered internal bleeding and underwent surgery, the lawsuit said.
Gallagher also says he suffered nerve damage to his back and hip. He is now seeking $50,000 for medical costs, pain, humiliation and mental anguish.
Um Pat, maybe you should have stayed in your seat with the rest of the customers. I know strippers can go pretty hard, but when bladders are getting ruptured, either you are too old to be there in the first place, or someone is working way too hard for their money. I’m just curious how Patrick explained this whole situation to his fiancee.
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Following in the footsteps of Sybrina Fulton and her touching Mother’s Day PSA about Trayvon Martin and the problems with the “Stand Your Ground” law, Tracy Martin has put out his own PSA about his son, his first Father’s Day without Trayvon, and the need to combat “Stand Your Ground” laws and help prevent a Father’s Day where 30,000 fathers will be without their sons. Those were the statistics presented for the number of sons and daughters slain through gun violence just last year alone.
The video is one that tugs at the heart strings, especially when images of Trayvon and Tracy are presented (especially the one where Tracy is kissing his son on the cheek).The main point of the video seems to be that it’s important for people to contact their governors and ask them to re-examine the “Stand Your Ground” laws that stand across the country. There are about 25 in all. If you know anybody who has been killed by senseless acts of violence involving firearms, I’m sure you can understand Tracy’s pain, and can feel him when he says, “Life can be beautiful.” To help do your part, go to SecondChanceOnShootFirst.org to gain more information on the many reckless gun laws and what you can do to help put a halt to them. Until then, check out the video below and let us know your thoughts. Happy Father’s Day Mr. Martin.
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When someone wrongs you, whether it’s a family member, your significant other, a friend or someone on the job, your first instinct is to make them pay for what they’ve done to you. Some people believe that taking revenge is counterproductive while other people can’t wait for Karma to take effect. See what our followers had to say about revenge, whether they took it and how they felt afterward.
Samantha: FELT A LOT WORSE, BUT YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN!
Darling: Can’t say I have. I just live my life and forget they existed . That usually works. Ppl that do wrong to folks either do one or two things . They try it again and are caught or they desperately want your attention (think Evelyn Lozada). Funny but pathetic sight I tell ya.
Veronica: I put an entry about my ex on a site called womansavers 4 revenge for how he dumped me. Felt good until he anonymously replied.
I’ve heard it said that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. While I can’t knock the allure of cut clarity, color and carats, I can and WILL say that my heart sides with a deeper Marilyn Monroe quote: “Give a girl the right pair of shoes, and she can conquer the world!” There are two things that a woman can never possibly have too many of…really great girlfriends and shoes, of course. In my book, shoes are just like friends; they support you or take you down. I promise that every “friend” you have can be described in terms of shoes, and with that, ladies, I submit that every now and again it’s simply good business to do friend-ventory: To open your (proverbial) closet and check out your shoe game.
By Angele D. Russell
We’ve all been there: break up with a guy, go out with girlfriends for a celebratory “he wasn’t worth your time” party, and then you wake up the next day wondering if you made the wrong decision. While you might still be holding enough feelings to believe he might change in the future, with some men, it’s best to just count your losses and take your experiences with him as a life lesson instead of running back. Here are six reasons why you should keep it movin’ and not give him a second chance.
By Alyssa Johnson
In the Sex and the City episode, “Luck Be an Old Lady,” Samantha is confronted with a major decision regarding her beau Richard who has a wandering eye. Catching him cheating on her has only made Samantha’s paranoia skyrocket as they hit the Atlantic City Casinos for a weekend getaway. Not being able to take the “what if’s” of the relationship, Samantha throws all her cards on the table and while breaking up with Richard says, “I love you Richard, but I love me more.”
In television land, Samantha knew when to let go and what her deal breaker was, but in reality, so many other factors play a part in staying in a situation that we know is not the best for us. Letting go isn’t always as easy as proclaiming our love for ourselves and dropping the baggage on the way out. In your relationships, are you confident as to what your deal breakers are or do you find yourself compromising way too much of yourself just to be in the relationship? Whether married or cohabiting together, a relationship has its ups and downs, but ultimately, shouldn’t the ups outweigh the downs? Here are six examples of when you know it’s time to let go.