All Articles Tagged "oral sex"
Oral sex tends to be right up there with well paying job when it comes to a man’s list of priorities, but “Married To Medicine’s” Dr. Simone Whitmore has an important piece of advice for women who are not too keen on going down on their man: it’s OK.
The OBGYN, and now reality star, surprised viewers when in season 2 of the Bravo series she told her castmates she rarely performs oral sex on her husband, and in an interview with Sister 2 Sister, Dr. Whitmore explained why her choice isn’t a death sentence for her relationship.
“The thing is, we are all different, and I’ve been married for 18 years. I love my husband; he still loves me. It’s important for women to know, whatever it is you feel comfortable with doing in the bedroom with your husband or not doing, it is okay. It is. It’s okay.”
If you’re mind immediately trailed to the thought, “what I won’t do another woman will,” kill it, Dr. Whitmore advised.
“The reality is, divorce is 50 percent in this country, and I know that there are women who are giving it to him uptown, downtown, sideways, flip it up, rub it, oh no, whose husbands or partners are still cheating on them. The most important message that I would tell any woman is look at you, work on you, love you and demand that he love you like you want to be loved and you can’t worry about the rest. No matter what you’re doing, even if you think you’re doing it all, there is another woman out there who’s willing to do more than you.”
Amen to that. It’s about time women were told to put their own desires and level of sexual comfort above a man’s. But do you think there are many husbands out there who’d be able to handle an oral-less marriage?
Sex: We all like to believe that there are signs that can guarantee that we’ll get some and the getting will be good. I thought sex stereotypes for most people died in their undergrad dorms, but apparently there are still fully functional adults that believe race and gender somehow place you at an advantage or disadvantage when it comes to what you’re working with in bed.
At one point or another, I’m sure you’ve overheard someone make some generalization on sex based on one or two experiences they’ve had, or more likely, what someone else has told them, but in all honesty they usually just don’t apply. Take a look at some common sex stereotypes people like to throw around that have no factual basis whatsoever:
The other day, under the influence of a lot of alcohol and the high of knowing the work week was done for at least two days, a friend revealed to me that in a former relationship/fling she had done some pretty kinky things early on and excused it away by the fact that she’s a self-proclaimed “freak.” I couldn’t help but feel like some of the freaky favors she did for him should have been earned, which he clearly hadn’t in my opinion. In my experience, a woman who pulls all of her tricks out her hat within the first few sexual encounters can be scary for some men, and for others, it can be a good reason not to stay for the rest of the film when all of the good scenes are gone in the beginning.
The truth is, some of us truly are freaks while some of us just use the label as an excuse to desperately try to keep a man’s interest. If a man is only sticking around on the prospect of good sex, you may not want to be that involved with him anyway. Still, I don’t subscribe to the notion that the p-word is power. You can be swinging from the ceiling in a harness in nothing but pasties and a g-string and making a man speak in tongues during a sexual encounter, but if the first thing he is thinking about after he reaches his peak is the excuse he can use to haul a** out of there, any power you may have had is left behind on the bedroom floor.
So the next question is, what do people consider freaky? That answer is subjective; one woman’s n***le clamp is another woman’s soft-core fantasy. That is to say, everyone’s definition of “taboo” is different. I think it’s important to feel out your sexual chemistry with someone so you can get a sense of whether you have a 40-year-old virgin or a certified panty-wetter on your hands. Sometimes this happens naturally. You’ll date a guy and all night you’re tearing each other’s clothes off with your eyes, the conversation is heavy with sexual innuendo, and your sixth sense is telling you, in the words of Elle Varner, you’re going to need a soundproof room. Other times, you have to let the conversation flow naturally, and hopefully after a few weeks, when it comes time to talking risque, you’ll have a better sense of what you’re working with. Either way, you have to be careful not to do too much too fast. If you’re pulling out the camera phone wanting to get your first freak session on film, one of two things could happen: he’ll assume you do this with every guy, or he just might not be on your side of the freaky scale and he’ll go running for the hills. It’s easier said than done, because I know if I had a moment with J. Cole, I’d be pulling more tricks out of my magic bag than David Copperfield. However, there’s something to be said about the thrill of the chase. Unfortunately, many of us have lost sight of just how important building anticipation is. I feel like ever since the Lil’ Kim era, women have been trying shamelessly to prove how sexually empowered they are. We’re trying so hard to be the “cool” girlfriend who can have casual sex and not catch feelings that we forget how good it feels to be pursued and courted.
Sometimes you just want to feel good and it’s easy to lose control in the heat of the moment and find yourself doing things that you know you’d normally give the side-eye to. But if you’re pulling out your your best moves in bed before he’s even taken you to a movie, you have to consider what you both have to look forward to and the tone you may be setting for the relationship. I don’t knock people’s desire to have casual sex if they truly can handle it. Who knows? You may be in a situation where you only have Trey Songz for one night and you want to make it memorable. But if we’re talking about a man you could potentially want to be with, you may have to proceed with caution. You can only use the line, “I don’t normally do things like this,” so many times before it becomes a boldfaced lie.
So let’s address the idea of a man “earning” your inner freak. I said that you shouldn’t be looking at your sexuality as a bargaining chip and I meant it. But women should look at their bodies as temples and sexual experiences with you with all the bells and whistles shouldn’t be something that every man you meet has access to. It’s not as much about breaking a man down and making him beg for it as it is about giving the relationships some time to be about something more than what’s between your legs. If not for having some discretion, do it for health’s sake. High-risk activities like unprotected sex, an*l sex and the exchange of bodily fluids shouldn’t happen until you’ve made an effort to get to know more about a man than his favorite position, or at least until you’ve both been tested. Having some boundaries and standards about what you are willing to do and when increases the excitement and maintains a level of respect.
If you’re bypassing freaky to trifling, does it tarnish your “wifey” potential to a man you just met? Today’s men need to be given credit for being more sexually open-minded than we think. Fading are the days where they place freaks and sophisticated women they have respect for in two separate categories, at least in the bedroom. Most men are now open to the fact that the woman they love can be their private Adult Video star as well. What matters most is that whatever you choose to do with your body, you stay true to yourself. You shouldn’t be making the effort to do anything that makes you uncomfortable because you have a point to prove, are trying to impress, or don’t know how to say no. Good sex goes both ways and any man that has the least bit of respect for you won’t look at you differently because you weren’t down for a golden shower or letting his friend hit it too. Taking your time can help you tell the difference between if you are doing it because you’re truly into it, or because you’re afraid he will find someone else who is.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
You may remember that three years ago, actor Michael Douglas was diagnosed with throat cancer. And in a recent interview with UK”s The Guardian, the 68 year old revealed what caused the disease. Assuming that Douglas’ throat cancer was the result of years of smoking and drinking, he asked Douglas if he regretted those decisions. And in a very candid moment, Douglas said:
“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from .”
Sound pretty specific to me.
Douglas went on to explain that before his diagnosis he had been experiencing discomfort in his mouth and throat. He had visited several specialists but all of them missed the tumor on the back of Douglas’ tongue. Eventually, he went to see a friend’s doctor in Montreal. He used a tongue depressor and saw the tumor.
Douglas recalls that day very well.
“I will always remember the look on his face. He said: ‘We need a biopsy.’ There was a walnut-size tumour at the base of my tongue that no other doctor had seen.”
After the biopsy, Douglas was diagnosed with stage four cancer, which, at the time, he believed would be fatal. Fortunately, Douglas started a rigorous eight week course of radiation and chemotherapy.
During his treatment his tongue was burnt and he lost 45 pounds.
“That’s a rough ride. That can really take it out of you. Plus the amount of chemo I was getting, it zaps all the good stuff too. It made me very weak.”
The treatment worked and Douglas has been cancer free for the past two years. He goes for check ups every 6 months but says this time of cancer doesn’t come back, 95 percent of the time.
Ironically, Douglas said:
“And if you have it, is also the best cure for it.”
Mahesh Kumar, a consultant head and neck surgeon in London, admitted that it has been established without a doubt that the strand called HPV 16 can absolutely cause oral cancer. But Kumar was skeptical that Douglas’ cancer was a result of HPV alone.
He also refuted Douglas’ claim that more could cure the disease.
“Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn’t make sense.”
Well, well, well.
While, I’m glad that Douglas is coming clean about how he contracted this disease; (Everyone needs to understand the risks of certain sexual behaviors.) but this admission has just raised a few more questions. Where did you get this HPV? Douglas has been married to his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones for the past 13 years. Did she have it? Or was he out here in these streets? Questions, questions. Maybe that’s what he meant when he said he didn’t want to go into specifics.
Have you ever had a thought that was so troubling, you never really gave it a chance to manifest in your mind? You just pushed it to the back burner because it was too much to deal with. And your little plan to ignore this thought was working until someone said the very thing you didn’t want to think about.
This happened to me a couple of years ago when I was at my Aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. We were all sitting around having dinner when the standard questions of boyfriends came up. It was myself, my female cousin and my sister and my aunt went around the table asking each of us if we had one. We gave our answers. Maybe because we were all in various stages of unattachment at the time, my aunt took that as a sign to transition into the also standard, “these men are no good” speech. She spouted off a couple of cliches about how scandalous they are, how they generally can’t be trusted and what not. And then she said it, “And the way everybody is licking everybody else these days, I wouldn’t even kiss them. I’d be tasting another woman!
NOOoooo! That was it. That was the thought I’d repeatedly pushed to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to have to deal with the thought of second-hand kissing another woman’s poon. Jesus Christ. But now it was on the table. We all groaned in disgust and settled in for the discussion. That thought and subsequent conversation forced me to ask myself how close had I been to other women through a carpet munching man?
Admittedly, I’ve kissed men without establishing exclusivity first, it could have easily happened… like every time. The thought still makes me shudder. My lip is literally on curl as I type this. But the truth is, I kinda want/need to kiss a man before I establish exclusivity. I’ve been into men and then the first kiss proved that there was no way in hell it was ever going to work. I wouldn’t want to bypass that crucial step.
I remember in high school, I was eavesdropping on someone’s conversation as this girl passed around a picture of herself kissing her boyfriend. When her friend looked at the picture, she noted that the girl’s eyes weren’t all the way closed. She said, “My grandmother always told me if you don’t kiss him with your eyes closed, that means you don’t trust him.” I’ll never forget that little nugget. It was so interesting to me. I would later discover that personally, I prefer kissing with my eyes open. Not because I’ve never trusted the men I’ve kissed, but because I like watching their reactions. I’m nosey and maybe I don’t want to relinquish all control. (Sounds kinda like trust issues…but whatever.) We were having a conversation to this affect at work one day, when one of my coworkers said in response, “Well, if you can’t surrender, then you shouldn’t be kissing him in the first place.” Goodness! The list of eligible men to kiss was getting smaller and smaller everyday!
I have to trust him. We have to be exclusive. Both of our eyes have to be closed.
Do you know how long it takes to really trust a man? Some would say years. Realistically, the number of men who would wait years to kiss a woman they’re dating is slim, very slim. Unless he was one of those people who didn’t believe in kissing until marriage, I’m sure he would take it as an indication you didn’t like him at all and would move on.
So, in addition to providing yet another reason why dating sucks…balls, I’ve also posed this question: When should you kiss a man? When you know he’s not licking anyone else’s snatch? When you trust him? When you can keep your eyes closed? Inquiring minds want to know. And when you leave your ideal answer, also be sure to tell us whether you’ve always followed that “rule” in your dating life.
It’s the semen study that won’t stop. In the 10 years since its publication, it has continued to make news – despite being preliminary and involving a measly 293 undergraduate participants. “Every two to three years there will be something about it on the Internet,” says Gordon Gallup Jr., the lead researcher behind the 2002 study. “I don’t know why, other than it’s a very interesting topic.”
Interesting, indeed: Gallup — who started our phone conversation with, “So you want to talk about semen?” — found that women who were practicing unprotected heterosexual sex reported significantly fewer depressive symptoms than women who had protected sex or no sex at all. He and his co-authors concluded that semen might act as an antidepressant.
The study just made headlines again this week — despite being a decade old — appearing on Gawker, the Huffington Post, the venerable Daily Mail and other online outlets. Just as it has before, it inspired headlines like, “Giving blow jobs makes women happier” and “0-ral sex can help women beat depression!” The study made an appearance just last year when the president-elect of the American College of Surgeons controversially riffed in a Valentine’s Day editorial about semen’s potential mood-boosting qualities and suggested it might be “a better gift for that day than chocolates.” (He … later resigned.)
Clearly, the idea of ejaculate as Prozac is captivating. It could have something to do with the stereotype of women’s hostile relationship toward the stuff. Surely some misogynists see comedic comeuppance in the thought that all those spitters or “not in my mouth-ers” have been depriving themselves of a dose of happy. (Never mind that the study itself has nothing to do with 0-ral sex.) It also certainly fulfills that Adult Videos-fantasy of women hungrily, insatiably devouring come (as for why that trope is so pervasive, see here).
Or it could be as simple as Gallup says: It’s just a very interesting idea.
It’s also controversial. When the study first came out some criticized it, speculating that women having condomless sex were more likely to be on birth control, be in a long-term commitment, engage in risk-taking behavior or experience greater sexual pleasure, and that those factors might better explain the results. But Gallup says they either controlled for those influences or the results contradicted them. Others wondered about the negative implications for lesbians.
Speaking of controversial, in a follow-up study, which was published as a graduate dissertation but never in a scientific journal, researchers in Gallup’s lab found evidence of what they termed “semen withdrawal”: women who had unprotected sex in their relationship reported greater sadness post-breakup and tended to have rebound sex more quickly. What’s more, Gallup suggests that postpartum and menopausal depression may relate to semen withdrawal, and that PMS – a period during which many women abstain from sex, he says – “may represent anticipatory semen withdrawal effects.”
Despite his capacity for entertaining seemingly far-fetched hypotheses, Gallup admits that the antidepressant effects of semen “are largely correlational.” As the study itself noted, the “findings raise more questions than they answer.” He explains, “We haven’t independently manipulated the presence or absence of semen in the reproduction tracks. In order to conduct a compelling, definitive study that would demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that semen had antidepressant qualities, you would have to directly manipulate the presence or absence of semen — and that’s obviously problematic for ethical reasons.” That explains why there haven’t been peer-reviewed follow-ups to Gallup’s original study, despite the obvious public interest in the topic.
Amusingly, Gallup says he receives “semen testimonials” from women who come across word of his research online and feel compelled to write him with their own tales of seminal joy.
Even if researchers could reliably prove that semen has an antidepressant effect, he says it’s likely “relatively modest” and certainly “not the way to cure depression.” Although he notes that it’s possible Big Pharma could “develop some sort of simulated semen suppository.” (You’re welcome for introducing that phrase — and image — into your brain.)
But the correlational nature of the study — not to mention its age— is rarely communicated each time this 10-year-old study is dug up and dusted off.
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Just when I thought we’d survived the BET Awards unscathed this year, a video with white rapper Machine Gun Kelly talking all kinds of reckless on the red carpet before the event pops up. The comments he made aren’t the network’s fault but obviously he felt the environment was an appropriate one to make the statements in question and that, on top of what he was saying, is a major problem.
You probably don’t know who Machine Gun Kelly is and that’s both okay and a good thing. As I mentioned he’s a rapper, and he’s most known for his single “I’m a wild boy,” with Wacka Flocka Flame. After his commentary with Baller Alert before the BET Awards Sunday, he’ll most likely now be known as an ignorant white boy who talked about black women and their apprehension to give 0-ral sex—which they do quite well when they actually do it—on the red carpet.
To be fair, the interviewer, a black girl, took him down this fetishized road to begin with by commenting that she’s chocolate and heard he likes black girls. MGK begins by saying his daughter is black (bi-racial for those who subscribe to the Morgan Freeman school of thought) and then without pause we went from “I have a black daughter” to “black girls give the best head.” Um, is that how he wound up with a black daughter or something?
The conversation went like this:
BA Reporter: Okay that’s funny because usually we’re told that we don’t.
Machine Gun Kelly: Okay, now this is what y’all do. Y’all either give the best head or you say that you don’t give head. White girls, they just give head so it just like….
BA Reporter: So the ones who say they don’t usually give the best?
Machine Gun Kelly: No, no, It’s not that you don’t give the best head it’s that most of y’all are saying, “I don’t do that unless you’re my man.” [Insert ghetto girl neck roll] You know what I’m saying? Where you girls just need to show your skills ’cause Black girls give the best head 100 percent. It’s just a difference.”
And now we’re going to interrupt this unscheduled program to bring you an angry white man rant because a black woman who overheard this conversation decided she wanted no parts of it and walked away.
Machine Gun Kelly: B**** walk the f*** away. F***ing dirty ignorant B****. uhh b****. Weak a**dress and fake a** Louis Vuitton purse. I’ll go in on this b****. Lipstick all f***ed up, here everywhere. Get the f*** out of here. You look like you just got done giving h**d. But anyway motherf***er, that’s what needs to happen man.
Wait, she’s the one who’s ignorant? I’m curious if that’s how he goes about getting black women to give him head and it possibly could be because from start to finish the tall glass of chocolate milk reporter was all smiles for the camera, despite his ignorance and all out disrespect. What’s that line about people only treating you how you allow them to? I’m curious if in that moment she forgot how close she was to being the dirty, best head giving b**** on the other end of his taunt?
You know, at first you may want to take pride in your bedroom skills when MGK made his comment about black girls and head but that quickly fades away, if it ever even entered your mind to begin with, as you think about this man making a sharp left from talking about his black daughter to black women given good head and seemingly only being good for two purposes: oral pleasure and baby making. What else is new, right?
There’s really nothing cute or flattering about MGK’s comments nor the comfort in which he felt saying it and topping that off with the lashing out at a black woman as a dirty b**** only further elevates the image that we’re only useful for those two purposes I mentioned a minute ago. Our ancestors got used to being treated this way behind closed doors for 400 years, we unfortunately had to make peace with black rappers making us feel this way with their lyrics, and now it seems a new breed of white wild boys is assimilating that same degrading culture, although interestingly it’s not aimed at the white girls who, you know, just give head all willy nilly like he suggested. Once again black women find themselves being eveyone’s favorite target with no one to defend them, including the black reporter who had an opportunity to do just that. Where are Nas, The Dream, and Russell Simmons when you need them? Oh, my bad, they’re probably still making sure Gwyneth isn’t catching too much flack for being a real n*****. Meanwhile this man calls a black woman a b**** on camera and goes on about their mouthpieces and nobody says a word.
Thankfully, MGK is probably on minute 14 of his “budding” career so we won’t have to deal with him much longer, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a slew of wild boys like him waiting in the wings to spout even more distasteful words the minute someone puts a mic in front of them. And let’s not forget the impertinent ilk of rappers already before us who want black women to do nothing more than bust it wide open for a real n**** before they go and wife a white one. Interesting how we’re all ho*s one minute yet get criticized for reserving our mouth game for select individuals isn’t it? The fact that most of us use our heads before we actually give head is in fact why what we do give is the best. How about somebody go make a rap song about that?
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The human papillomavirus (HPV) sometimes seems harmless because there are rarely any symptoms associated with it, but researchers believe the virus is responsible for the increased rates of mouth and throat cancer during the past 25 years, and new research says 7% of Americans now have HPV in their mouths.
The study, published online in the Journal of the American Medical Association is the first to assess the prevalence of oral HPV in the U.S. population, and from the ages of 14 to 69, across men and women, the incidence was found to be 6.9%.
The findings also indicate that oral sex, rather than kissing, is the main cause for the spread of the virus—most likely because people still don’t understand that the practice can lead to disease.
“I don’t think people think of oral sex in the same way they do with traditional intercourse,” said Fred Wyand, director of the HPV Resource Center at the American Social Health Association in Research Triangle Park, NC. “Sometimes younger people engage in oral sex so they don’t have to worry about pregnancy. They may not even make the link between oral sex and STDs.”
Since most oral HPV infections are harmless and oral cancers are still somewhat rare, there isn’t a total cause for alarm, but there could be down the line. This is why the researchers say doctors, parents, and sexual partners need to talk about the use of protection upfront.
“It’s something people are not comfortable talking about, but it is protective,” Dr. Hans Schlecht, assistant professor of medicine at Drexel University College of Medicine in Philadelphia who wrote an editorial accompanying the study said in an interview. “If you are going to be intimate with someone, there are some adult conversations you need to have.”
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
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By now you might have learned that former “Flavor of Love” winner, Deelishis, whose real name is Chandra Davis, will appear on the new reality show, “Motor City Wives.” While we could write a whole post about this fact alone, this one is a bit more serious. In a very candid conversation, Deelishis details how she was raped at 18. In the video below she explains how it all transpired.
Wow on so many levels.
First off, I want to commend her for sharing this story. So many women and young girls find themselves in situations like this and never share this information for fear or shame. Secondly, I have wonder what kind of man she married? Under no circumstances should a woman be blamed for being raped. Regardless of what someone initially allows, the moment the word/s “stop,” “no,” and more explicitly, “I don’t want to have sex with you” come out of someone’s mouth, you’re done. While I want to shake some sense into her husband, I know that there are plenty of ignorant people who believe women “set themselves up” for rape based on trivial things like what they wore, where they allowed the men to take them etc. Even the woman in the video said something about men being different from women.
Sure men are different from women but I just can not believe that a man doesn’t, can’t or won’t understand what a woman means when she tells him no. A man who doesn’t stop after the word “no,” is a rapist. Point, blank period.
While I’m glad she didn’t allow him or the other ignorant woman in the room to make her question her lack responsibility in the situation, I sincerely hope they had a legit conversation about this traumatic event and what it feels like to be taken advantage of in this manner. If anyone should empathize with her, it should her husband.
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Last week’s episode of the “Braxton Family Values” wasn’t a good look for sister Trina. She admitted to having an “oral transaction” with a band member, but unless the definition of the word transaction has changed, what Trina did was more of a donation considering she was the only one giving anything.
Trina received a lot of backlash for coming out on national TV, although I think more people—like her sisters—were concerned with the fact that she didn’t get anything in return, rather than the fact that she cheated. But maybe the critics feel the way Trina does about “slobbing the knob,” as Tamar said: oral sex just isn’t sex.
Trina opened up to Sister 2 Sister magazine about her situation and when Jamie asked why she didn’t have full intercourse with the band member, she said this:
“Honestly, Auntie Jamie, I’m one of those people, I don’t have but so many notches on my belt. When it comes down to it, numbers mean a lot to me, and I’ve never been the type of woman to spread myself thin and let every Tom, package and Harry—or every Tom’s hairy d***—to associate with me and my body; not to sound vulgar.
“I don’t allow that with my body; I just don’t. I do not. I did not, and I will not.”
I know there’s a difference between letting a man stick his you know what you know where and doing what she did, but in my mind, the notches all add up pretty much the same. What’s funny is Trina is sort of reversing the discussion that typically surrounds black women and oral sex, as exemplified by her sisters saying black girls don’t usually “do that.” Trina, on the other hand, told S2S that she doesn’t understand why the act is so taboo, and from her comments she sounds as though she thinks she’s better for not laying it low and spreading it wide, as her mama would say. But like we teach girls in grade school, oral sex is sex, and drummer boy definitely still associated with her body in some way.
Oral sex shouldn’t be any more taboo than cheating but it seems as though it might be in the Braxton household and maybe still among black women at large. I thought the whole “we don’t do that” trend had gone out the window, but from listening to these 30- and 40-year-olds, it might still be in full effect. Even the whole “knotches on my belt” comment suggests Trina’s got a long way to go in terms of sexual liberation in some ways, and surprisingly not in others, as her kiss and tell moment shows.
I definitely think if you’re going to serve somebody you should get yours as well, but if you’re married the only one you should be serving is your husband. Oral sex isn’t really a black or a white thing, but if you want to make it one, let’s not make going down on another man while your still married because you want to get your freak on but still keep your numbers low a black thing.
What do you think about Trina and her oral transaction? Do you think a lot of women still feel like she does about not engaging in intercourse to limit the notches on their belt? What about her sisters and their “black girls don’t do that” comments?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
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