All Articles Tagged "online dating"
Remember when announcing that you met your significant other online still raised an eyebrow or two? Now it seems like everyone is swiping their way to happily ever after. But while it feels as though everyone has a Tinder account, meeting and getting to know people the old-fashioned way, a.k.a., out in the world, is still in style. And when you’ve been swiping left a lot more than right, it’s always good to get a little reminder that there’s another option than what’s available through an app. Keep your eyes and air open and you never know where you might meet someone.
Have you considered creating a profile on an online dating site? Are you weighing the pros and cons? Scared of the whole thing? Don’t worry, we are helping single parents navigate online dating and addressing your concerns. Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams is moving us beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
As a single mother, life can be overwhelming. No matter the level of support you have, you’re probably juggling your career, family and your personal needs. You want to advance and succeed at work but you want to be there for your little ones. You also want to have a life of your own but… you can feel guilty for having fun away from the family. How do I know? I know because although I’m not a parent yet I have the honor of being a safe space for your fears and joys as a personal coach.
When striving for balance in your life seems impossible, I advise single moms to reach for harmony instead. Everything will go better if mommy is happy. It may sound selfish to put yourself at the top of the list, but consider that old metaphor about the oxygen mask in the airplane. You have to take care of yourself so that you can do the best for your children.
Yes, it can seem daunting to get back into the dating field with little ones at home. Luckily, we live in an age where you can rejoin the land of the living right from your laptop. Online dating makes it easier for you to get back on the market as a single mom with her own needs.
See that? No excuses. The time has come to release any fears you have about taking your love life online.
Why Online Dating?
1. Online dating lets us reach beyond our circles.
Online dating is beneficial for many reasons. Where do we have opportunities to meet new people as adults? There is the workplace and through people we know. Those are the main ways that people meet someone to date and possibly fall in love with. The workplace is tricky, of course, and in many cases we risk career suicide. Dating by referral is great but what if your family and friends know the same folks you do? If the idea of meeting someone in a club seems ridiculous to you, now what?
2. Online dating can remind us that it’s not as bleak as they tell us.
The media can be unrelenting in the picture it paints for single women. It’s easy to believe through what you see on TV, what you hear from your friends and maybe your own experience that there are no great men left out there. The good thing about online dating is that you can see that there are thousands of men who are looking for relationships. Of course, they all won’t be interested in you but that’s great because you aren’t interested in all of them, either.
3. Online dating can help us break our own dating stereotypes.
Have you ever been in a relationship rut where you seem to be attracting the same kind of man over and over again? You need to posses the qualities you wish to attract in previous nonetheless, it’s still easy to get caught up in our dating types.
Maybe you always date artists or bankers. Perhaps the bad boy or the selfish geek is your type.
What if you are locked into a belief that a certain kind of man only like women of your complexion, hair type, body size or educational level? Perhaps you only are used to men from your town, ethnic group or religion.
Checking out the Internet’s romantic marketplace can allow you to step beyond your own narrow parameters of love.
Is dating online dangerous?
The main resistance I hear from women who have yet to take the online love plunge is a fear of danger. Sometimes your cousin’s uncle’s hair braider had a bad experience. Or you watched a few episodes of MTV’s docu-horror series “Catfish” and it seems like there’s a Facebook swindler lurking behind every profile.
Guess what? The guys you meet online are the same men walking around in real life! It’s not like there’s a different batch of dudes in our computers. Online dating is a major way that people begin relationships now. There’s not just one type of person who is dating online. Just like there are different clubs, restaurants, venues there are different sites based on what you’re looking for.
You are young and vibrant and your kids deserve to see mommy happy. The practices that you model for them are how they will live their own lives. Get out there!
Catch up on more from Abiola
- Are You Hooked on Your Man?
- What Men Want from Women
- Your Sexual Self Esteem: A Quiz
- Orgasm 101: Female Orgasm Q&A
- Are You Forcing a Relationship?
- Control Your Sensual Pleasure
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at Abiola’s Love University. Her upcoming advice guide is named “The Official Bombshell Handbook.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
There are a number of reasons a lot of people consider online dating as an option. A busy work schedule that doesn’t permit them much of a social life. Growing tired of the usual club and social pickup scene. Wishing to be a part of an exclusive community just for singles to cut chances of rejection in half. Seeking casual arrangements that include sex.
No matter the reason, each of these contribute to the notion that online dating is easier.
Online dating has the tendency to make users a lot more comfortable with “meeting” and connecting with prospects, as you think you really know each other after corresponding via apps and on the Internet. But on the flip side, online dating can be frustrating, tricky, complicated and confusing for someone who doesn’t know exactly what they’re looking for. You spend days messaging with someone in what you feel is a safe space. But what happens when you decide to let your budding computer love blossom in real life? After weeks of “dating” online, he finally asks to exchange numbers, but you’re nervous about whether or not things will work out beyond the Internet. Advancing even more, he finally asks you on a date and you fear that you’re not ready because meeting in person is a step that makes the online dating connection even more…well, real. So what do you do?
First, say yes.
I mean, you’ve gotten this far in your online dating connection, so at this point it should be obvious that you two have a mutual agreement or understanding on what you’re both looking for. I get that you don’t “know” him and that’s bothering you, but would it be any different if you two had initially met in person? No, so what’s the harm in saying yes?
With that being said, only do so if you feel comfortable. If you need a few more days or weeks before you’re okay with meeting up then tell him right away.
If you’re the one taking the big step and asking him out on a date, ask yourself where you want things to go. Remember, the sooner you figure this out, the better. It gives you time to weed out the bad ones before chatting online gets too deep.
Keep things public.
Make sure that wherever you decide to go, it’s some place public. Don’t agree to a date in a secluded area. Trust me, I’ve seen enough episodes of Law and Order: SVU to know better.
Don’t accept his offer to go back to his place. Always remember that even though you know him a little, you don’t truly know him. You only know what he’s told you.
Once that’s figured out, keep each other engaged. Pick a date that requires you to be creative, share lots of laughs, or maybe a little competition such as bowling or a game of pool.
You’ve made it this far and he probably already knows the basics about you anyway. To avoid awkward silence, use those familiar things as a point of conversation. Since you’re in person, you can talk deeper about some of the things that stood out to you the most about the correspondences you’ve had and share more about yourself.
At the end of the day, he’s just flesh and blood. He’s no Idris Elba or Beyoncé or anyone like that to the point where you need to be losing your head. Be cool, stay calm and let the night flow. You’ll do great. And if you’re really lucky, you will make a great connection.
“I trust algorithms. I mean, who doesn’t like data driven results free of nonsensical human biases? I know I do! Online dating therefore seems like the most logical and natural course of action in my pursuit of a suitable partner.” I wrote these words on my blog at the start of my online dating journey in late 2014. Since then, my attitude towards online dating has changed quite considerably, finally culminating in me calling it quits. How come? Well, here are a few of my top reasons for why I quit online dating:
- It’s too time consuming
Finding a decent person to date through an online platform is a numbers game that requires patience. I grossly underestimated the amount of time necessary to actively date online, and probably should have heeded my own advice when I wrote:
For all of the efficiency and conveniences that online dating brings, there is still a fair bit of required effort on your part. Take for instance the amount of time it takes to:
a) set-up your profile;
b) read through other people’s profiles;
c) respond and/or send messages; and
d) set up in-person dates with your matches.
As you can see, it’s a lot! I highly suggest that you examine your commitments and realistically evaluate whether you have the time to meaningfully date online.
To make matters worse, the longer I stayed online the more I noticed that the compatibility/match scores are pretty much BS. Very rarely did a high compatibility score translate into genuine interest or chemistry once the messaging got going. Online dating started to feel like finding a cool and worthwhile person was basically a crapshoot.
- I Got tired of having the same conversations
What are your hobbies? Do you have siblings? What do you do for work? Trudging through the let’s-get-to-know-each-other conversations reminded me of job networking events: more often than not, a lot is said but nothing useful is gained. After a while, talking about my background and listening to other people talk about their backgrounds over and over again became more of a chore than something that I looked forward to. All the conversations started to sound like: blah blah blah blah blah… It’s exhausting.
All that glitters is not gold. There’s no place that this is more true than in online dating. I get that people naturally want to put their best foot forward on their dating profiles, but sometimes what’s presented online is a far cry from reality (borderline fraudulent in some cases). It’s not just physical looks that are over embellished from time to time, but also things like career or even living arrangements (dudes still living with the parents on the low). It sucks to get excited about a person based of the pack of lies they’ve called a profile, only to be let down once the truth is revealed. I became worn out and overly skeptical as a result of experiencing this type disappointment repeatedly.
- I actually kind of like being single
Perhaps it’s through my online dating that I came to this realization, or maybe online dating didn’t work out for me because I subconsciously sabotaged my own efforts. Whatever the case, deleting my Tinder account and deactivating my OKCupid and Match accounts was such a relief. I’ve officially been out of the online dating game for a few months and I’m so glad to have my evenings and weekends back! It turns out that I’m my own favorite date. It’s safe to say that I’m not actively seeking a partner but my heart remains open should the right opportunity present itself. In the meantime I’ll be getting on with my sexy single life!
I don’t regret trying online dating and I still encourage those who are hellbent on finding a partner and have the stamina and willpower to match, to go for it. Because you will never know unless you try.
When she wasn’t busy preparing to sue folks for allegedly stealing her ideas (yes, we’re looking at you producers of The Real), Tatyana Ali was also planning a wedding. According to Us Weekly, the actress said “I do” to Dr. Vaughn Raspberry on Sunday in Beverly Hills. The 37-year-old met Raspberry through eHarmony in 2014, and they’re expecting their first child together. He is reportedly a Stanford University assistant English professor, and proposed to Ali by taking her on a hike in Yosemite, California, popping the question “in the most picturesque clearing.” Ali called the proposal, “so thoughtful and perfect.”
For the outdoor ceremony at the Four Seasons, Ali wore a custom Amsale gown with a sheer panel top and tied the knot in front of 120 of the couple’s family and friends. It was reportedly an event that celebrated her Caribbean roots (Afro-Panamanian and Indo-Trinidadian). In preparation for the nuptials, Ali and her sisters swapped the usual bachelorette party activities for some fun at Disneyland.
When speaking on Raspberry and how they met earlier this year with Entertainment Tonight, Ali explained how they were able to create a bond after meeting one another through online dating.
“It was my first time dating online. We wrote letters for months before we decided to Skype. And then, of course, met.”
Check out an image of the newly married couple below!
RepostBy @hamptonblunetwork: “#Congrats to Actress #TatyanaAli who got #married to Dr. #VaughnRasberry. The #ceremony was held at the Four Seasons in front of 120 of their closest family/friends. According to Entertainment Tonight the couple met on #eHarmony and tied the #knot after 2 years of #bliss!
A photo posted by celebteanews (@celebteanews) on
The pair are reportedly expecting their bundle of joy any day now and we are overjoyed for the beautiful actress and her love. Congratulations to the pair on all their blessings!
If you were ever on the fence about whether you should make mention of your profession on your dating profile, perhaps Tinder‘s recent findings will assist you in making a decision.
Back in November, developers behind the popular dating application introduced a new feature, which allows users to plug in job and education details. Apparently, including this information not only provides “additional insight for potential matches,” but “it also increases your chances of receiving a right swipe.” And from the sounds of it, some unlikely professionals are getting more attention than others.
For men, the most right-swiped profession was pilot. Pilots were followed up by founders/entrepreneurs, firefighters, doctors, and TV/radio personalities. For women, physical therapist was the most right-swiped profession. Interior designers, founders/entrepreneurs, PR/communications reps and teachers followed as the second, third, fourth and fifth most right-swiped professions on Tinder.
Do you include your profession on your dating profiles?
Okay, okay, okay. I know there’s nothing petty about this situation. In fact, there’s something really terrible about someone going to such great lengths to spy on their girlfriend or boyfriend. Still, this story was too good not to share with my weekly “Is This Petty?” participants.
Remember the friend I told you about last week? The young woman who decided to return the Valentine’s Day gift she almost gave her partner after he totally overlooked the holiday? Well, she was able to work things out with the guy. They talked things out about Valentine’s Day and decided to move forward. A few days later, she rode with him as he ran errands, including a stop at T-Mobile where he opened a second phone line. She didn’t really understand why he needed it, and when she asked, he joked about being a drug dealer on the side.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
She left it alone, and he went on to have two lines, two phones.
A day or so after that, he asked my friend her whereabouts on a popular dating app they actually met on. “You don’t have an account anymore do you? Don’t lie to me” he said. Surprised by his insistence that she not lie, especially since she didn’t have anything to lie about, my friend responded with the truth: She had taken the app off of her phone and hadn’t bothered with it for almost two months. He seemed to believe her and they, again, moved forward.
The next day, she received a message from a random guy who claimed that the two had matched on the dating app in the past and he was checking in to say hello. She didn’t recall matching with anyone named “John” and asked if she could contact him later since he had caught her busy with work. When he replied claiming he had a tight schedule too, she politely told him, “Actually, I’m seeing someone now and I want to be respectful of that situation. Good luck, though!” To which he replied, “Whatever.” While she wasn’t phased by his response, she was suspicious of the number, since she couldn’t remember giving a guy named “John,” with such a number, her own digits in the past. She looked up the number and found out it was T-Mobile phone. She was immediately on high alert. Could it be who she thought it was?
Well, this past weekend, my friend met up with her boyfriend and ended up staying the night. The next morning, while he was asleep, she went to the bathroom. On the way, she ran across his second phone and took it with her to the toilet. There was no sign of her number or name in the second phone, but something told her to call the number of that so-called “John” in her cell. She did. Her boyfriend’s second phone rang, right there in the bathroom.
My friend left the bathroom, got dressed and told her boyfriend she was going to head out so he could sleep before work. He could tell something was off about her mood, but he let her go anyway. She met up with me and told me this crazy story later on that day, and she ended up saying that his spying tendencies were the last straw.
“I’m not going to go see him. I’m just going to let him know when I’m ready, that we’re done and that I never want to speak to him again.”
That was the plan, but she ended up avoiding his phone calls for the rest of the day. That is until she worked up the nerve–and anger–to let homeboy know how she really felt around the fourth time he called and text, telling her to “call me back.” She told him that she knew what he had done. Of course, he tried to play crazy, and she read him for filth. He would eventually say that it was all just a joke, but she found nothing funny about it–especially since days had passed and he never filled her in on his “joke.” Despite having very strong feelings for the guy, she told him that his actions were “childish and not indicative of a man I want to be in a relationship with. I think it would be best if we weren’t in contact again.”
The guy tried to call, and call, and call afterward, but she let his calls go to voicemail. He would inevitably leave her a message admitting that his insecurities had gotten the best of him, and he learned a painful but valuable lesson.
Yeah, the lesson was that he tried it with the wrong one.
But cutting him off wasn’t easy for my friend to do. Still, for the sake of all that is right in the world, she had to put her feelings aside and just do it. It was the right move. Not only was such an action on his part so slimy, over the top, and a sign of possessive, insecure things to come, it also sounds like he didn’t trust that my friend was doing right by him all this time because he wasn’t doing right by her…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Should she have given him a second chance? Was he a petty Patty for opening a second line to spy on her? How would you handle such shenanigans?
The Internet was the greatest thing that ever happened to the lonely, the desperate, the socially awkward, the poorly adjusted, the needy, the controlling and the lazy. As for the rest of us, sometimes the Internet is a frustrating place where those individuals can contact us as much as they want, protected by their screen, their keypad, and miles of cyber space.
When a woman signs up for online dating, she opens herself up to some pretty bizarre and sometimes offensive messages. Unfortunately, people don’t need to undergo psychological and emotional screenings to sign up for Time Warner or Comcast the way they do when they want to purchase a weapon. But maybe they should because some of these messages leave quite the imprint (and not in a good way). Here are some of the most frustrating messages men send in online dating.
This new crop of young adults has been dubbed “The Hookup Generation” for their willingness to embrace and redefine dating culture in a casual way. Hookup culture can simply be defined as the acceptance of sexual encounters such as one-night stands that focus purely on sexual gratification without a traditional commitment. There have been loads of articles and think pieces dedicated to blaming the surge of mobile dating apps such as Tinder and Plenty of Fish for people’s sudden casualness. There has also been a boatload of written material and documentaries based on “Netflix and Chill,” which has gained so much speed that consumer companies have started to market their products for Netflix and chilling.
However, one of the cool things about learning about a burgeoning part of culture is the different perceptions we can get on similar things. A great example would be a new study based on this flourishing generation and hookup culture in general. According to it, more people are actually holding off on sex in the hopes of finding love. The idea of abstinence and celibacy, which were once controversial topics that caused debates, are now becoming a trending topic. Celebs like Terry Crews and his wife, Ciara and Russell Wilson, and DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good are celebrating the benefits of waiting on love and halting sex in the hopes of building a deeper connection. It’s evident that it’s catching on with a lot of young people who are dating. The more I scroll through my Twitter timeline and Instagram feed, I see more and more couples embracing a courtship, and more engagements happening. I’ve even done a complete 180 in my personal life when it comes to dating.
For the last 10 years, dating app and site OkCupid has been collecting data based on their subscribers. In the aforementioned study, A Digital Decade: Sex conducted by OkCupid, they found that when asked whether or not they would have sex on the first date, 50 percent of respondents said no versus the 31 percent who said no in 2005. When asked if they would have a sex-driven friendship over a long-term commitment, 61 percent chose a long-term commitment. People were found to be 19 percent less likely to consider sleeping with someone on the first date compared to 10 years ago, with significant drops in every gender and orientation. Only one in four straight women said “yes” compared to almost 50 percent in 2005, and we see the biggest drop in gay men (-26 percent).
The study revealed that even though casual sex was less accessible 10 years ago when compared to today with all of the dating apps and location signals right in our smartphones, people are making the decision to be less hasty to jump in the sack for a casual rendezvous. Dating culture is constantly evolving and even though most of the participants rated sex as being a very important aspect of their relationship with their significant other, they also acknowledged that it wasn’t enough to build a relationship off of or base one around.
Perhaps this whole hookup culture and Netflix and Chill fling thing was just a phase? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out in the next 10 years…
I once heard a married friend say that dating apps were both a gift and a curse during his time as a bachelor. According to my friend, who sort of wanted to settle down but was quite picky during his single days, dating sites simply gave him too many options. Anytime a woman showed anything that even resembled a red flag or something he didn’t like, he’d cut her off with the quickness. There was no incentive for him to put in the work with anyone because he could simply sign into his dating app of choice and find more women to date. For this reason, he stayed single for a minute even though he claimed he wanted something serious. Luckily for him, he eventually crossed paths with the woman who would become his wife at a networking event, and that was all she wrote.
Apparently, my friend is not alone in this experience. The Pew Research Center recently conducted a study on dating applications and adults in America. In addition to finding that fifteen percent of American adults utilize dating apps, researchers say that thirty-one percent of those who responded to the survey shared that they believe dating apps keep people from settling down. They, too, felt that having too many options turns out to be somewhat of a bad thing in the long run.
While it seems that dating apps are the best thing that could have ever happened for many singles looking to mingle, it’s also apparently what’s holding them back from the meaningful relationships that they desire.
Do you utilize dating sites in your quest to find love? What has your experience been like? Do you believe that having access to too many potential romantic partners is keeping you a bachelorette?