All Articles Tagged "online dating"
“I trust algorithms. I mean, who doesn’t like data driven results free of nonsensical human biases? I know I do! Online dating therefore seems like the most logical and natural course of action in my pursuit of a suitable partner.” I wrote these words on my blog at the start of my online dating journey in late 2014. Since then, my attitude towards online dating has changed quite considerably, finally culminating in me calling it quits. How come? Well, here are a few of my top reasons for why I quit online dating:
- It’s too time consuming
Finding a decent person to date through an online platform is a numbers game that requires patience. I grossly underestimated the amount of time necessary to actively date online, and probably should have heeded my own advice when I wrote:
For all of the efficiency and conveniences that online dating brings, there is still a fair bit of required effort on your part. Take for instance the amount of time it takes to:
a) set-up your profile;
b) read through other people’s profiles;
c) respond and/or send messages; and
d) set up in-person dates with your matches.
As you can see, it’s a lot! I highly suggest that you examine your commitments and realistically evaluate whether you have the time to meaningfully date online.
To make matters worse, the longer I stayed online the more I noticed that the compatibility/match scores are pretty much BS. Very rarely did a high compatibility score translate into genuine interest or chemistry once the messaging got going. Online dating started to feel like finding a cool and worthwhile person was basically a crapshoot.
- I Got tired of having the same conversations
What are your hobbies? Do you have siblings? What do you do for work? Trudging through the let’s-get-to-know-each-other conversations reminded me of job networking events: more often than not, a lot is said but nothing useful is gained. After a while, talking about my background and listening to other people talk about their backgrounds over and over again became more of a chore than something that I looked forward to. All the conversations started to sound like: blah blah blah blah blah… It’s exhausting.
All that glitters is not gold. There’s no place that this is more true than in online dating. I get that people naturally want to put their best foot forward on their dating profiles, but sometimes what’s presented online is a far cry from reality (borderline fraudulent in some cases). It’s not just physical looks that are over embellished from time to time, but also things like career or even living arrangements (dudes still living with the parents on the low). It sucks to get excited about a person based of the pack of lies they’ve called a profile, only to be let down once the truth is revealed. I became worn out and overly skeptical as a result of experiencing this type disappointment repeatedly.
- I actually kind of like being single
Perhaps it’s through my online dating that I came to this realization, or maybe online dating didn’t work out for me because I subconsciously sabotaged my own efforts. Whatever the case, deleting my Tinder account and deactivating my OKCupid and Match accounts was such a relief. I’ve officially been out of the online dating game for a few months and I’m so glad to have my evenings and weekends back! It turns out that I’m my own favorite date. It’s safe to say that I’m not actively seeking a partner but my heart remains open should the right opportunity present itself. In the meantime I’ll be getting on with my sexy single life!
I don’t regret trying online dating and I still encourage those who are hellbent on finding a partner and have the stamina and willpower to match, to go for it. Because you will never know unless you try.
When she wasn’t busy preparing to sue folks for allegedly stealing her ideas (yes, we’re looking at you producers of The Real), Tatyana Ali was also planning a wedding. According to Us Weekly, the actress said “I do” to Dr. Vaughn Raspberry on Sunday in Beverly Hills. The 37-year-old met Raspberry through eHarmony in 2014, and they’re expecting their first child together. He is reportedly a Stanford University assistant English professor, and proposed to Ali by taking her on a hike in Yosemite, California, popping the question “in the most picturesque clearing.” Ali called the proposal, “so thoughtful and perfect.”
For the outdoor ceremony at the Four Seasons, Ali wore a custom Amsale gown with a sheer panel top and tied the knot in front of 120 of the couple’s family and friends. It was reportedly an event that celebrated her Caribbean roots (Afro-Panamanian and Indo-Trinidadian). In preparation for the nuptials, Ali and her sisters swapped the usual bachelorette party activities for some fun at Disneyland.
When speaking on Raspberry and how they met earlier this year with Entertainment Tonight, Ali explained how they were able to create a bond after meeting one another through online dating.
“It was my first time dating online. We wrote letters for months before we decided to Skype. And then, of course, met.”
Check out an image of the newly married couple below!
RepostBy @hamptonblunetwork: “#Congrats to Actress #TatyanaAli who got #married to Dr. #VaughnRasberry. The #ceremony was held at the Four Seasons in front of 120 of their closest family/friends. According to Entertainment Tonight the couple met on #eHarmony and tied the #knot after 2 years of #bliss!
A photo posted by celebteanews (@celebteanews) on
The pair are reportedly expecting their bundle of joy any day now and we are overjoyed for the beautiful actress and her love. Congratulations to the pair on all their blessings!
If you were ever on the fence about whether you should make mention of your profession on your dating profile, perhaps Tinder‘s recent findings will assist you in making a decision.
Back in November, developers behind the popular dating application introduced a new feature, which allows users to plug in job and education details. Apparently, including this information not only provides “additional insight for potential matches,” but “it also increases your chances of receiving a right swipe.” And from the sounds of it, some unlikely professionals are getting more attention than others.
For men, the most right-swiped profession was pilot. Pilots were followed up by founders/entrepreneurs, firefighters, doctors, and TV/radio personalities. For women, physical therapist was the most right-swiped profession. Interior designers, founders/entrepreneurs, PR/communications reps and teachers followed as the second, third, fourth and fifth most right-swiped professions on Tinder.
Do you include your profession on your dating profiles?
Okay, okay, okay. I know there’s nothing petty about this situation. In fact, there’s something really terrible about someone going to such great lengths to spy on their girlfriend or boyfriend. Still, this story was too good not to share with my weekly “Is This Petty?” participants.
Remember the friend I told you about last week? The young woman who decided to return the Valentine’s Day gift she almost gave her partner after he totally overlooked the holiday? Well, she was able to work things out with the guy. They talked things out about Valentine’s Day and decided to move forward. A few days later, she rode with him as he ran errands, including a stop at T-Mobile where he opened a second phone line. She didn’t really understand why he needed it, and when she asked, he joked about being a drug dealer on the side.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
She left it alone, and he went on to have two lines, two phones.
A day or so after that, he asked my friend her whereabouts on a popular dating app they actually met on. “You don’t have an account anymore do you? Don’t lie to me” he said. Surprised by his insistence that she not lie, especially since she didn’t have anything to lie about, my friend responded with the truth: She had taken the app off of her phone and hadn’t bothered with it for almost two months. He seemed to believe her and they, again, moved forward.
The next day, she received a message from a random guy who claimed that the two had matched on the dating app in the past and he was checking in to say hello. She didn’t recall matching with anyone named “John” and asked if she could contact him later since he had caught her busy with work. When he replied claiming he had a tight schedule too, she politely told him, “Actually, I’m seeing someone now and I want to be respectful of that situation. Good luck, though!” To which he replied, “Whatever.” While she wasn’t phased by his response, she was suspicious of the number, since she couldn’t remember giving a guy named “John,” with such a number, her own digits in the past. She looked up the number and found out it was T-Mobile phone. She was immediately on high alert. Could it be who she thought it was?
Well, this past weekend, my friend met up with her boyfriend and ended up staying the night. The next morning, while he was asleep, she went to the bathroom. On the way, she ran across his second phone and took it with her to the toilet. There was no sign of her number or name in the second phone, but something told her to call the number of that so-called “John” in her cell. She did. Her boyfriend’s second phone rang, right there in the bathroom.
My friend left the bathroom, got dressed and told her boyfriend she was going to head out so he could sleep before work. He could tell something was off about her mood, but he let her go anyway. She met up with me and told me this crazy story later on that day, and she ended up saying that his spying tendencies were the last straw.
“I’m not going to go see him. I’m just going to let him know when I’m ready, that we’re done and that I never want to speak to him again.”
That was the plan, but she ended up avoiding his phone calls for the rest of the day. That is until she worked up the nerve–and anger–to let homeboy know how she really felt around the fourth time he called and text, telling her to “call me back.” She told him that she knew what he had done. Of course, he tried to play crazy, and she read him for filth. He would eventually say that it was all just a joke, but she found nothing funny about it–especially since days had passed and he never filled her in on his “joke.” Despite having very strong feelings for the guy, she told him that his actions were “childish and not indicative of a man I want to be in a relationship with. I think it would be best if we weren’t in contact again.”
The guy tried to call, and call, and call afterward, but she let his calls go to voicemail. He would inevitably leave her a message admitting that his insecurities had gotten the best of him, and he learned a painful but valuable lesson.
Yeah, the lesson was that he tried it with the wrong one.
But cutting him off wasn’t easy for my friend to do. Still, for the sake of all that is right in the world, she had to put her feelings aside and just do it. It was the right move. Not only was such an action on his part so slimy, over the top, and a sign of possessive, insecure things to come, it also sounds like he didn’t trust that my friend was doing right by him all this time because he wasn’t doing right by her…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Should she have given him a second chance? Was he a petty Patty for opening a second line to spy on her? How would you handle such shenanigans?
The Internet was the greatest thing that ever happened to the lonely, the desperate, the socially awkward, the poorly adjusted, the needy, the controlling and the lazy. As for the rest of us, sometimes the Internet is a frustrating place where those individuals can contact us as much as they want, protected by their screen, their keypad, and miles of cyber space.
When a woman signs up for online dating, she opens herself up to some pretty bizarre and sometimes offensive messages. Unfortunately, people don’t need to undergo psychological and emotional screenings to sign up for Time Warner or Comcast the way they do when they want to purchase a weapon. But maybe they should because some of these messages leave quite the imprint (and not in a good way). Here are some of the most frustrating messages men send in online dating.
This new crop of young adults has been dubbed “The Hookup Generation” for their willingness to embrace and redefine dating culture in a casual way. Hookup culture can simply be defined as the acceptance of sexual encounters such as one-night stands that focus purely on sexual gratification without a traditional commitment. There have been loads of articles and think pieces dedicated to blaming the surge of mobile dating apps such as Tinder and Plenty of Fish for people’s sudden casualness. There has also been a boatload of written material and documentaries based on “Netflix and Chill,” which has gained so much speed that consumer companies have started to market their products for Netflix and chilling.
However, one of the cool things about learning about a burgeoning part of culture is the different perceptions we can get on similar things. A great example would be a new study based on this flourishing generation and hookup culture in general. According to it, more people are actually holding off on sex in the hopes of finding love. The idea of abstinence and celibacy, which were once controversial topics that caused debates, are now becoming a trending topic. Celebs like Terry Crews and his wife, Ciara and Russell Wilson, and DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good are celebrating the benefits of waiting on love and halting sex in the hopes of building a deeper connection. It’s evident that it’s catching on with a lot of young people who are dating. The more I scroll through my Twitter timeline and Instagram feed, I see more and more couples embracing a courtship, and more engagements happening. I’ve even done a complete 180 in my personal life when it comes to dating.
For the last 10 years, dating app and site OkCupid has been collecting data based on their subscribers. In the aforementioned study, A Digital Decade: Sex conducted by OkCupid, they found that when asked whether or not they would have sex on the first date, 50 percent of respondents said no versus the 31 percent who said no in 2005. When asked if they would have a sex-driven friendship over a long-term commitment, 61 percent chose a long-term commitment. People were found to be 19 percent less likely to consider sleeping with someone on the first date compared to 10 years ago, with significant drops in every gender and orientation. Only one in four straight women said “yes” compared to almost 50 percent in 2005, and we see the biggest drop in gay men (-26 percent).
The study revealed that even though casual sex was less accessible 10 years ago when compared to today with all of the dating apps and location signals right in our smartphones, people are making the decision to be less hasty to jump in the sack for a casual rendezvous. Dating culture is constantly evolving and even though most of the participants rated sex as being a very important aspect of their relationship with their significant other, they also acknowledged that it wasn’t enough to build a relationship off of or base one around.
Perhaps this whole hookup culture and Netflix and Chill fling thing was just a phase? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out in the next 10 years…
I once heard a married friend say that dating apps were both a gift and a curse during his time as a bachelor. According to my friend, who sort of wanted to settle down but was quite picky during his single days, dating sites simply gave him too many options. Anytime a woman showed anything that even resembled a red flag or something he didn’t like, he’d cut her off with the quickness. There was no incentive for him to put in the work with anyone because he could simply sign into his dating app of choice and find more women to date. For this reason, he stayed single for a minute even though he claimed he wanted something serious. Luckily for him, he eventually crossed paths with the woman who would become his wife at a networking event, and that was all she wrote.
Apparently, my friend is not alone in this experience. The Pew Research Center recently conducted a study on dating applications and adults in America. In addition to finding that fifteen percent of American adults utilize dating apps, researchers say that thirty-one percent of those who responded to the survey shared that they believe dating apps keep people from settling down. They, too, felt that having too many options turns out to be somewhat of a bad thing in the long run.
While it seems that dating apps are the best thing that could have ever happened for many singles looking to mingle, it’s also apparently what’s holding them back from the meaningful relationships that they desire.
Do you utilize dating sites in your quest to find love? What has your experience been like? Do you believe that having access to too many potential romantic partners is keeping you a bachelorette?
I recently read about a couple, Nathan and Gabrielle, who connected on Snapchat. Their chemistry was so powerful that Nathan proposed to Gabrielle before ever meeting her in person. He’s from England and she lived in Seattle. The proposal took place on Skype and Gabrielle received her ring by mail. They finally met in person one year after their chance encounter on social media, which is when Nathan proposed again. And months later, the pair tied the knot in the living room of Gabrielle’s grandmother. Nathan’s relatives in England witnessed the ceremony by Skype. It’s been a few months since the wedding, and the couple is living together in a home they own in Washington.
While this is definitely a unique situation, I can’t front like I never started a long distance relationship with someone I’ve never met. During my teens, there were a couple of guys I called my “boyfriend” before ever actually meeting them in person. My boss shared that she also found herself in a similar situation during her teens after being connected with a friend of a friend by phone. You know how it goes, you chat with a guy for weeks or months on your mama’s phone; however, you rarely got a chance to meet him in person because your mama didn’t play that. So, either the “relationship” fizzles about as quickly as it began, or you finally get a chance to meet, and well, he’s nothing like what you expected.
I do, however, wonder how these things work once you enter adulthood and are out of your mama’s house and free to move about as you please, though. I mean, as a teen, your ability to travel is limited by what your parents will permit. But what pushes grown folks to enter into relationships before having actual face-to-face encounters? And what happens in these relationships? Are these usually catfish situations? Do you eventually end up meeting the person? Can solid relationships be formed this way? Or, are people left with regrets like Laurie Sandell, who shared her experience in a brutally honest essay for Marie Claire titled “I Wasted 2 Years On A Man I Never Met”? Unfortunately, Laurie didn’t have the fairytale ending that Nathan and Gabrielle did. After two years, she learned that her sort-of-kind-of-boyfriend was never serious about her even though so obviously longed for some type of future with him. Even worse, she didn’t accept that this is what was happening until she learned that he had secretly been having phone sex with her friend. Again, this is also probably a unique situation.
As always, we love to hear about your experiences, so feel free to spill below. Have you ever entered a relationship with someone you’ve never met? How did things turn out? Do you have regrets?
How does a former pageant queen go from dealing with the drama of an ex-boyfriend on national television as a cast member of MTV’s Real World: Brooklyn to doling out relationship advice on the TLC program Love at First Swipe alongside beloved TV personality Clinton Kelly? If you ask Devyn Simone, it’s been a long time coming. The Kansas City-bred beauty is an online dating veteran. She was making connections in Yahoo! chat rooms and on MySpace when folks wouldn’t even consider such a thing.
“I went out with it all,” Simone told me over the phone. “Young, old, rich, poor, American, illegal immigrant–you name it, I went out with it at some point.”
And those relationship ups and downs gave her not only a wealth of knowledge that she shared with friends before sharing it with people she counsels one on one and on the show, but it also helped her find her fiancé. And yes, she found him on Tinder, the app most people brush off as a place to find a Netflix and Chill partner. But, in fact, Simone knows happy couples who met on Tinder and a few married ones too. So how can the rest of us make such connections and make them last? “It’s a matter of having the tools and knowing how to make them work to your advantage,” Simone said. “You can’t just look at an app and rule it out and say, ‘That’s just for hookups because I know people who have hooked up on it.’ You can find the love you want on that app as long as you know who you’re marketing to and how to do it correctly.”
The Big Don’t
“The biggest don’t that I find is people not actually thinking about what they want,” Simone said. “And I know that doesn’t seem tangible and it’s not a ‘Do this! Do that!’ But if you don’t know who you’re trying to attract then you’re never going to get it. That’s like going to a job interview and not knowing what position you want. I’m going to market myself very differently if I’m applying to be the COO than if I’m applying to be the facilities guy. There’s nothing wrong with either position, but I can’t just go in there with a broad range and expect to get offered both. I have to cater my angle to something, and people do not do that. So they either try to be everything to everyone or they just don’t try at all.”
Finding A Serious Man
“I’m a straight shooter and I would be lying to you if I said, ‘If you do x,y and z, you’ll never go on a date with a jerk again,” Simone said. “There will be some frogs in there. But you can cut down on your interactions with the frogs by judging their behavior. So if you match with someone, pay attention to how they behave. Do they send you a ‘Hey, what’s up?’ message or do they send you a message that shows that they actually took the time to read your profile?
And make them call. I know people think it’s outdated. It’s not. There is no excuse for someone to not be able to use the phone because they all have cell phones. This is part of the weeding out process. So, you match with a guy, you’re chatting online, you think he’s cute, he seems cool, he wants to go out with you. What’s your response? You say, ‘I don’t go out with anyone I haven’t spoken to on the phone with first.’ The reason is, if he’s serious about getting to know you, he won’t mind giving you a call. If he says he’s going to call you and he’s serious about going out with you, he will follow through. And when you’re on that phone call, it doesn’t need to be long. Five or 10 minutes. But women’s intuition is still the best thing because it’s a good indicator of what is to come. So when you’re talking on the phone and something doesn’t feel right, if he said he lives in an uptown penthouse by himself, and you hear kids screaming in the background and his mom yelling his name, that will let you know, ‘Hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t go out with this guy.’ So a 10-minute phone call can save you 30 minutes of getting ready, 15 minutes of travel time, and an hour of a date you didn’t want to be on in the first place.
What women don’t understand is that we have the upper hand. Do you know that there are twice as many men as there are women on dating sites and dating apps? That’s why they’re spamming your inbox, because the odds are already in our favor. So, you have the power to say what you want. Don’t be afraid that, ‘Oh, he’s going to go to another girl if I try and make him call me.’ Or ‘Oh, he’s going to go to another girl if I say I’m not available tonight.’ If a guy matches with you today and he asks you out tonight, don’t go with him. Don’t. Because he’s put no real effort in to try and get a piece of your time. I don’t care if you don’t have anything to do, tell him you’re busy and schedule it for another day.”
The Profile Pic Problem
“There are four main photos every profile should have, given if that particular system allows it,” Simone said. “A headshot, which is typically your main profile pic, a full body shot, an action shot, and a social shot. You need all four because they all convey a certain thing about you either physically or your personality. And photos speak volumes about a profile. As far as having very bad photos, that goes back to not knowing your target audience. Think about the guy you want to attract and think about what he would think of that photo. I believe that you can ask for whatever you want in a relationship because we all deserve to be happy, however, for everything that you ask, you must be willing to give. I don’t mean ‘put out’ give. I mean, what are you bringing to the table? What is your profile saying that you bring to the table so that you can match with the quality guy that you want? That includes your photos.”
The Best Kind Of First Date
“I really like day dates, like early day. It gives you options,” Simone said. “It’s not considered to be as romantic so there’s less pressure for there to be an overwhelming chemistry. It also forces you to be a little creative. So, my fiancé and I, our first date was actually in Central Park, and he planned a picnic. And I will admit, the first hour of that picnic was probably awkward as hell. But we stuck it out. And because there were multiple stages of the date, that was great too. So if you’re doing an activity, maybe there’s a free concert going on and you decide, let’s grab a hot chocolate and go to this concert. It gives you time so that if you like each other you know have something to look forward to because you’re going to spend more time together. But if you don’t like each other, because it’s not a romantic candlelit dinner, it’s actually pretty easy to bail out quickly. He won’t be as offended because it’s the middle of the day so, usually, people don’t have large blocks of time available. But if you like him, a day date can turn into a night date.”
Don’t Get Discouraged
“People attribute too much of the negative to the dating app or site itself and don’t really look at the personal behavior,” Simone said. “But in a relationship, if you met a guy at the bar and the relationship doesn’t work out, you don’t say, ‘I’m never going to that bar again!’ You usually attribute what went wrong with the relationship itself and try to figure out why it didn’t work with that person, what it was about them, what it was about you, and then you move on. So with online dating, there were times where yes, the relationship fell apart, and it was heartbreaking. But there’s literally 91 million people using online dating apps and sites. That’s the most encouraging thing because it’s like, on to the next one!”
If you want more tips on doing online dating the right way, check out Simone’s site, DevynSimone.com. She provides one-on-one coaching, helps you build up your profile, and teaches people how to communicate better when dating online. Also, be sure to check out Love at First Swipe on Friday nights at 10:30 p.m. on TLC. Check out a preview below:
You know you have words that make little lights go off in your head when you see them on a guy’s online dating profile: patient, social, ambitious…
Describing oneself is hard and you have to choose just the right words that show you’re self-aware enough, but you don’t sit around contemplating your own personality all day. You want to pick adjectives that depict you in a good light but don’t sound like you’re bragging. You want traits that show you have a dynamic personality! But that can quickly verge on split personality if you go overboard. And, finally, you just don’t want to use that many words. So words that encompass several other words are always helpful. Without realizing it, men are analyzing your profile and the ways you choose to describe yourself just as intensely as you are. Here are some buzzwords women should include in their online dating profile, and some not to include..